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2018 Box Office Predictions Part 2 (May Through August)

May 4, 2018, 5:11 pm
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For a couple of years now I've been trying my hand at box office predictions, with mixed results. Sometimes my prognostications are spot on, other times they're wildly inaccurate, proving there's just no telling what the general public is willing to pay to sit through. 

Summer is traditionally the season when studios trot out their big budget tentpole blockbuster movies. Not so this year! There are a couple of decent looking summer movies coming out, but overall this has to be the weakest collection of cineturds I've seen in many a year. In fact if I didn't know better, I'd think this was the January/February Film Dumping Ground!

I blame Disney/Marvel Studios for this. Infinity War came out at the end of April, and I have a feeling most of the studios realized there was no point in even trying to compete with such a juggernaut. Thanks Obama Disney!

I'm also shocked at how few of these films I've heard of. I generally go see a movie every weekend, and as a result am bombarded by dozens of trailers. Somehow I've never seen previews for three fourths of these dogs. That's definitely not a good sign, as it means the studios have so little faith in these films that they're unwilling to even advertise them.

My comments on the various films are in red.

NOTE: This list is for the middle four months of the year. There're too many movies to cover all in one go.

May
Bad Samaritan
A young valet breaks into a man's home and discovers a terrified woman who's chained and gagged. After notifying the police, he soon becomes the target of the psychopath's wrath as he tries to rescue the victim that he left behind. Premieres May 4.

This sounds vaguely familiar to the premise of The Collector, which isn't a good sign. It's also directed by Dean Devlin, the visionary filmmaker who brought us last year's Geostorm. Oy. It stars David Tennant though, so that's good.

Infinity War will still be in full effect when this premieres, so I can't see it making more than $30 - $40 million domestically.

Overboard
A gender-flipped remake of the 1987 movie, which starred real life couple Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Premieres May 4.

The original film concerned a man who convinced a snooty socialite she was his wife for reasons. It was an iffy concept, but Kurt Russell was able to pull it off through sheer force of his likability and charisma. There's no way in hell a storyline like that would fly here in hypersensitive woke 2018. But apparently if it's a woman who manipulates the man, then it's perfectly OK. 

Screw this movie and everyone involved in it. I hope it bombs so hard it leaves a crater in the cineplex. I hope it makes $25 to $30 million or less here.

Breaking In
A woman takes her two children on a weekend getaway to her late father's secluded, high-tech estate in the countryside. She soon finds herself in a desperate fight to save all of their lives when four men break into the house in search of something. Premieres May 11.

This sounds like a Lifetime Channel movie that somehow got released to theaters. It's directed by James McTeigue, who brought us such classics as V For Vendetta, Ninja Assassin and The Raven. I think it might make $30 to $40 million in the States.

Life of the Party
Dumped by her husband, longtime housewife Deanna turns regret into reset by going back to college. Winding up at the same school as her daughter, Deanna plunges headlong into the campus experience. Premieres May 11.

Wow, a parent going back to college and embarrassing her daughter? What a startlingly original idea! It stars the always grating Melissa McCarthy, and directed by Ben Falcone, who brought us Tammy and The Boss. Somehow those movies made pretty decent money, so I'm gonna say this one'll do the same— between $70 and $80 million here.

Book Club
Four women join a book club and read 50 Shades Of Grey, which inspires them to make a series of outrageous life choices. Premieres May 18.

Really? That's the movie? It's actually about people reading a real-life book? Has that ever happened before? It stars Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen, so right there you know no one under 50 is gonna see this thing. Directed by first-timer Bill Holderman. I'm predicting it'll make $30 to $40 million domestically.

Deadpool 2
In this sequel, Deadpool forms a team of superheroes to protect a young mutant boy from the time-traveling Cable. Premieres May 18.

The first film was a MASSIVE hit, grossing $783 million worldwide, against its $58 million budget. I would expect this installment to be a hit as well. 

There're two potential problems though. First of all, it's coming out less than a month after Infinity War, which will still be going strong by then and may siphon away some of its box office. Secondly, original director Tim Miller is out, replaced by David Leitch. He's a stuntman turned director, who brought us John Wick and Atomic Blonde. Both were competent action movies, but they were anything but funny. Who knows, maybe he can pull it off. 

I think it'll likely make $800 to $850 million worldwide.

Show Dogs
A detective finds adventure with his partner, canine cop who has to go under cover at the world's most exclusive dog show. So basically it's Miss Congeniality, but with talking dogs. Got it. Premieres May 18.

It's a kids' movie, and they usually do well no matter how bad they are. It's directed by Raja Gosnell, who brought us such cinematic gems as Home Alone 3, Big Momma's House, the Scooby-Doo films, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and both Smurf movies. Jesus, half his resume consists of talking dog movies!

Kids have no taste, so they'll flock to any movie marketed to them. The Smurfs 2 made $347 million worldwide. I think this one might surprise me and make $150 to $200 million.

Solo: A Star Wars Story
A prequel telling us the incredibly necessary and compelling story of how Han Solo met Chewbacca, won the Millennium Falcon from Lando and acquired his iconic blaster. Premieres May 25.

This film was wracked with production problems from the start. Star Alden Ehrenreich was reportedly so bad that Disney had to hire an acting coach for him. Then they fired the original directors and replaced them with Ron Frakin' Howard, who reportedly reshot almost all the film. Those are both huge red flags.

It's a Star Wars movie though, so it's pretty much guaranteed to rake in the cash. I'm wondering though if this will be the point where Star Wars fatigue finally starts to set in? The Force Awakens grossed $936 million here in the States, while The Last Jedi brought in $620 million and Rogue One made just $532 million.

Honestly this one could go either way. I think it might make $550 to $600 million Stateside. 

By the way, I'm not making any predictions here, but I'd just like to point out that there's a film coming out called Izzy Gets the F*ck Across Town. I can't wait to see how the public asks for a ticket to that movie! We're very near the end of civilization.

June
Upgrade
A brutal mugging leaves a man paralyzed, until he's implanted with a chip that restores his mobility and gives him superstrength. He then uses his newfound powers to seek revenge on the ones who attacked him. Premieres June 1.

The trailer looks interesting, although it feels very similar to Sony's upcoming Venom movie. It's written and directed by Leigh Whannell, who co-created Saw and Insidious, so that's a good sign. It'll probably have a limited release though, so I wouldn't expect it to make more than $30 to $40 million here.

Action Point
Johnny Knoxville, who's getting too old for this sort of thing, stars as the owner of a low-rent, out-of-control amusement park where the rides are designed with minimum safety for maximum fun. Premieres June 1. 

The film's directed by Tim Kirkby, who directed The Blind Spot and a ton of TV shows. I see little or no interest in this movie, and would be surprised if it makes over $40 million here.

Hereditary
When Ellen passes away, her daughter's family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited. Sorry, every site I visit has that exact same plot description. Premieres June 8.

The trailer looks genuinely creepy, and looks promising. It's directed by Ari Aster though, who's previously done nothing but a series of short films. Honestly this one could go either way. I think it'll make $50 to $60 million Stateside.

Ocean's 8
Think Ocean's 11, but with chicks. Yawn. Premieres June 8.

The trailer didn't do anything for me, but it's directed by Gary Ross, who brought us Pleasantville, Seabiscuit and The Hunger Games. So it could turn out OK. I think this one might surprise me and make $400 to $450 million here.

The Incredibles 2
In this sequel  Elastigirl springs into action to save the day, while Mr. Incredible faces his greatest challenge yet— taking care of his three children. Premieres June 15.

I loved the original film, what with its retro design aesthetic and fun storyline. This one brings back writer/director Brad Bird, which is a huge plus. 

Not sure why it took a whopping FOURTEEN years to make a sequel though. There's a whole crop of kids out there who weren't even alive when the first film came out. Will they care about a follow up? The original made $261 million domestically. I think this one could do even better, at $350 to $400 million. 

Superfly
A remake of the 1972 blaxploitation classic. Premieres June 15.

The original film was a cultural touchstone, and grossed $30 million against its minuscule $500,000 budget. That $30 million would be the equivalent of $179 million today, so it was a big deal. Can history repeat itself?

It's directed by someone who calls himself "Director X." He's directed a ton of music videos, and little else. Can he handle an actual film? The box office will tell. By the way, this is a (shudder) Sony movie, and they're the worst. That kills any interest I may have had in it right there. $40 to $50 million here.

Tag
A comedy about a group of adults who play a yearly, no-holds barred game of tag, in which they risk their jobs, relationships and lives to take one another down. Premieres June 15.

It's got an impressive cast, but it's directed by Jeff Tomsic, who's done nothing but short films up to this point. $30 to $40 million Stateside.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Four years after the destruction of the Jurassic World theme park, Owen Grady and Claire Dearing return to the island of Isla Nublar to save the remaining dinosaurs from a volcano that's about to erupt. Premieres June 22.

The previous film grossed an astonishing $1.6 BILLION worldwide, proving people will see anything with CGI dinosaurs in it. 

For some reason previous director Colin Trevorrow isn't returning for this installment, which seems like a red flag. He's being replaced by J.A. Bayona, who previously directed a bunch of films you never heard of such as The Orphanage, The Impossible and A Monster Calls. That's another bad sign.

The public doesn't care about directors though, so I think this one will do around the same or a little better. $1.5 to $2 billion worldwide.

July
The First Purge
A prequel to the popular franchise, detailing the origin of the Purge. Premieres July 4.

I hated the first film, loved the second and was ambivalent about the third. As with nearly all prequels, this one doesn't sound all that interesting. It's directed by Gerard McMurray, whose only previous film wassBurning Sands, whatever that is.

The previous film grossed $118 million worldwide. For some reason I think this one will do about the same or worse. Maybe $120 million worldwide.

Ant-Man and the Wasp
Ant-Man joins forces with the Wasp on an urgent new mission to uncover secrets from the past. Premieres July 6.

I loved everything about the first film, and have high hopes for this sequel. It's directed by Peyton Reed, who also helmed the original. At this point Marvel can do no wrong, so I expect this to be another hit for them. The first film grossed $519 million worldwide, which is a bit low for a Marvel movie these days. I expect this one to do a bit better. $600 to $650 worldwide.

Hotel Transylvania 3
Everyone's favorite monster family is back in this threequel (how's that for a word?). This time the gang goes on a luxury cruise (so it has nothing to do with a hotel), but their dream vacation turns into a nightmare when ship captain Erika has a plan to destroy monsterkind. Premieres July 412.

There're two things about this film that are pretty darned scary. First of all it stars Adam Sandler, although mercifully you don't actually have to look at him here, and only hear his voice. Secondly, it's a (shudder) Sony film. If that doesn't send shivers down your spine, nothing will.

Because they're family films and kids have no taste, the first movie grossed $358 million worldwide, while the second pulled in $473 million. I'd expect this one to do the same or better. $500 to $550 million worldwide.

Skyscraper
Think Die Hard, but with Dwayne Johnson in the John McClane role. Premieres July 13.

This actually looks like it could be a fun popcorn movie. Plus who doesn't love the Rock? It's directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber though, who doesn't exactly have an impressive resume. He previously directed Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, The Mysteries Of Pittsburgh (?), We're The Millers and Central Intelligence.

Johnson's previous film Rampage has already racked up $350 million worldwide (and counting). I think this one could make $350 to $400 million worldwide.

The Equalizer 2
In this sequel, Robert McCall serves an unflinching justice for the exploited and oppressed, but how far will he go when that is someone he loves? Premieres July 20.

Was the world really clamoring for an Equalizer sequel? The original film grossed a surprising $192 million worldwide, so maybe they were. This one's directed by Antoine Fuqua, who brought us the original film, along with King Arthur (meh), Shooter, Brooklyn's Finest, Olympus Has Fallen and Southpaw.

Oh, did I mention it's a (shudder) Sony movie? Well, it is. That's definitely a mark against it.

I think this one'll do a little worse than the original. Maybe $170 to $180 million here.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
In this sequel, Sophie finds out more about her mother's past while seeking guidance on how to handle her pregnancy. Premieres July 20.

The original film grossed an astonishing $609 million worldwide! That's amazing to me. Original director Phyllida Lloyd is out this time though. She's been replaced by Ol Parker, whoever the hell that is, who brought us such classics as Imagine Me & You and Now Is Good. That could possibly be a concern this time out.

I think it'll probably make slightly more than the original, at $650 to $700 million worldwide.

Mission: Impossible— Fallout
Ethan Hunt and his IMF team find themselves in a race against time after a mission goes wrong. Isn't that pretty much the plot of all of them? Premieres July 27.

This films have always been box office champs, which explains why there's six of them. It's directed by Christopher McQuarrie, who previously helmed The Way Of The Gun, Jack Reacher and Mission: Impossible— Rogue Nation. The previous one grossed $682 million worldwide, and I'd expect this one to do the same, if not better. $700 to $800 million worldwide.

August
Christopher Robin
Christopher Robin's all grown up, and lost his sense of imagination. It's up to Pooh & Co. to help rekindle it for him. So it's Hook, but with Pooh characters. Got it. Premieres August 3.

Not to be confused with the very similarly titled Goodbye Christopher Robin, which was about the life of real life author A.A. Milne, creator of Winnie The Pooh. Why the hell would Disney make a movie with two thirds of the same title?

It's directed by Marc Foster, who gave us the similarly themed Finding Neverland. He also directed Monster's Ball, The Kite Runner, Machine Gun Preacher and World War Z! Which of course makes him the perfect choice to direct a whimsical movie about rediscovering your childhood. 

I can't see this being a huge hit, as Star Wars& Marvel aside, everything Disney touches isn't gold (I'm lookin' at you, A Wrinkle In Time!). Slightly similar stuffed bear movie Paddington 2 made $40 million domestically, and I think this one will likely do the same. I predict $40 to $50 million here.

The Darkest Minds
When teens mysteriously develop powerful new abilities, they are declared a threat by the government and detained. Sounds like an off-brand New Mutants movie. Premieres August 3.

It's directed by Jennifer Yuh Nelson, whose only previous films were Kung Fu Panda 2 and 3. Apparently this is the first time she's directed actual people. I'm thinking $30 to $40 million Stateside.

Mile 22
An intelligence office has to smuggle a mysterious policeman out of the country. Premieres August 3.

Director Peter Berg continues his love affair with Mark Wahlberg here. The team previously worked together on Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day. Jesus, get a room, guys! Berg's grosses are all over the scale, so it's hard to predict this one. I'm gonna say it might make $50 to $60 here.

The Meg
A massive, prehistoric Megalodon attacks a deep sea sub, and it's up to Jason Statham to save it. Premieres August 10.

The trailer looks like it could be fun, but there are some red flags. First of all, I remember reading the book when it came out way back in 1997. The movie's been in Development Hell ever since, which is generally a sign that no one can figure out how to make the story work. 

Secondly, it's directed by Jon Turtletaub, who gave us cinematic classics such as 3 Ninjas, Cool Runnings, Phenomenon, the National Treasure movies, The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Last Vegas. Oy. Those all range from downright awful to utterly meh. I think this one might make $70 to $80 million domestically.

Alpha
20,000 years ago, a young man is separated from his tribe and left for dead. He befriends a young wolf, and the two have to work together to survive. Premieres August 17.

I swear I saw this trailer over a year ago. That implies it's been shelved, which is always a bad sign. On the other hand, it's directed by Albert Hughes though. He's one half of the Hughes Brothers, who directed Menace II Society, Dead Presidents, From Hell and The Book Of Eli. So that's good. But it's a (shudder) Sony movie though, so we're back to bad.

I don't see there being much interest in this one, so I think it might make $30 to $40 million here.

The Happytime Murders
Two detectives— one a puppet, the other human— are forced to work together to find a killer who is murdering the cast of the beloved kids' show. Premieres August 17.

I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It also has the faint stench of Theodore Rex about it as well. It stars Melissa "I Ruined The Ghostbusters Remake" McCarthy, so that's a mark against it. It's directed by Brian Henson though, son of Muppet creator Jim Henson. So who knows, it could be good. I think it'll make $50 to $60 million domestically.

Replicas
Keanu Reeves stars as a scientist who clones his family after they're killed in a horrific auto accident. Premieres August 24.

Wow, this sounds disturbingly close to Reeves' real life. His daughter was stillborn, and his real-life wife was killed in a car wreck. That had to be an awkward film set. It's directed by Jeffrey Nachmanoff, who gave us such hits as Hollywood Palms and Traitor. $30 to $40 million here.

Slender Man
Terror strikes when four teenage girls in a small town perform a ritual to debunk the lore of a tall, thin, horrifying figure known as the Slender Man. They soon fear that the legend is true when one of them suddenly goes missing. Premieres August 24.

I have a great idea! Let's make a lame PG-13 horror movie based on a legend that inspired a real life murder! The kids'll love it! It's directed by Sylvain White, who helmed such hits as Stomp The Yard and The Losers, which is a concern. It's also another (shudder) Sony movie, so that tells me all I need to know. $20 to $30 million  Stateside. 
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The Flash Season 4, Episode 20: Therefore She Is

May 5, 2018, 8:28 pm
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This week on The Flash, we get 2, count 'em two failed romances, both of which feature a heaping helping of sketchy and nonsensical motivation.

The main focus of this episode (which seemingly comes way too late in the season) is the relationship between DeVoe and Marlize, as we get a series of flashbacks showing us how they became a couple. Their affair was handled well until the very end, when an attack on a third world village suddenly fills Marlize with bloodlust, causing her to side with her mad scientist boyfriend. Her sudden 180 degree turn seemed rushed and definitely felt unearned.

On the plus side, the show's been teasing Marlize's sudden but inevitable betrayal of her husband, and it finally happened in this episode. It was an extremely satisfying moment, even if we all saw it coming from a mile off. Now the only question is whether she'll join Team Flash to take down The Thinker, or do it single handedly.

This week the writers remembered they set up the "Will Cisco Take The Job On Earth-19 To Be Near Gypsy" subplot, and finally decided to resolve it— with very mixed results. 

Apparently they decided the series wasn't big enough for two breachers, so they unceremoniously wrote Gypsy off the show. That's too bad, as I liked her quite a bit, and thought she was a good foil for Cisco. To make things even worse, her swansong was muddled and poorly executed, as they broke up because Cisco didn't like being in a long distance relationship— even though their powers meant they weren't!

The best part of the episode was definitely the teamup between Harry and Cecile. The two of them seem like the least likely pairing possible, which made their interactions all the more fun.

Lastly, the Mystery Girl makes another appearance this week, and this time we learn she's a speedster! I've been saying all along she's either Barry & Iris' daughter or grandaughter, and this would seem to confirm it.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin with a flashback to Clifford DeVoe and Marlize's first meet-cute, during a college lecture. Marlize believes mankind uses technology to better itself, citing how medical science has lengthened the human lifespan. DeVoe's much more cynical, saying technology always results in better and more efficient weapons.

In the present day, Cisco's working at STAR Labs when Gypsy sends him a message box from Earth-19. He activates it, and a hologram of her asks whether he's decided to take her dad's old job on her world. He sighs, as he's obviously not made up his mind.

Just then Harry calls Cisco to the Cortex for an experiment. He wants him to vibe blast Caitlin (!), hoping this'll cause Killer Frost to emerge from her body again. The experiment is a huge failure, partly because Harry can't seem to focus or remember any facts. Team Flash notices this, and Harry reluctantly admits his Thinking Cap damaged his brain and he's slowly losing his intelligence. Cisco notes that tests show Harry's condition is completely reversible (of course!), and everyone vows to help him.

The DeVoes breach into Vandemeer Steel, to steal Alloy 1771— an experimental solar panel that can absorb the sun's rays at 400% efficiency (?). DeVoe needs it for his Enlightenment machine, so he uses Dwarfstar's power to shrink the alloy and place it into a case. When a security guard tries to stop them, DeVoe uses one of his many absorbed powers (Null's, I guess?) to force the man to shoot himself in the head. This angers Marlize, who says the guard was simply doing his job.

The next day, Joe and Team Flash investigate Vandermeer. Barry uses superspeed to discover that Alloy 1771 was stolen from the lab. Barry asks Cisco to vibe the dead guard's gun, to see if DeVoe's the one who stole the alloy. Cisco's reluctant to do so, as last time he tried vibing DeVoe he was practically killed. Barry says if Cisco combines his power with Gypsy's, they'll be strong enough to resist anything DeVoe can throw at them. Cisco reluctantly agrees.

Meanwhile, Joe asks Harry to distract Cecile for him. When Harry asks why, Joe says he can't tell him, because then Cecile will read his mind and find out what he's trying to keep from her. Harry says sure, why not.

Flashback to DeVoe and Marlize's first date, as they exchange witty banter at a picnic and embrace.

In the present at STAR Labs, Gypsy breaches in. She and Cisco co-vibe the gun, and see a vision of a dock filled with shipping containers— specifically, one marked "16." Barry, Cisco and Gypsy breach to the shipping yards, hoping to beat DeVoe there. Unfortunately they're too late, and DeVoe's already got what he wanted from a different container.

Barry attacks, but DeVoe uses the Folded Man's power to teleport him to the Arctic. He then easily blasts Cisco and Gypsy off their feet and escapes. Gypsy accuses Cisco of not having his head in the game, which affected their vibe. This sets off a huge argument between the two of them. Barry somehow runs back to Central City in forty seconds, just in time to hear the two of them discussing Cisco's job offer on Earth-19.

Back at STAR, Barry asks Cisco if he plans on taking the job, and he says he honestly doesn't know. Barry says it's up to Cisco, but guilts him by stating they'll never beat DeVoe without his help. Nice one, Barry!

Flashback to the DeVoes moving into their first home. DeVoe goes out for food, while Marlize unpacks. She notices an old journal in a box, and violates her new husband's privacy by reading it. She's appalled at his crazed rantings, which state the only way to save the world from technological destruction is by lobotomizing the entire population. DeVoe returns and she accuses him of being a madman and leaves.

Harry calls Cecile in to STAR Labs, on the pretense of updating her mental dampener. While that's going on, he awkwardly tries to make small talk to distract her. She reveals she knows about his condition, much to his shame. He tells her the more he thinks, the faster his mind deteriorates. He becomes frustrated when his thoughts slip away too fast for him to write them on the board. Cecile says she can hear his thoughts before they disappear, and starts writing them down for him.

Barry tries to solve the Cisco/Gypsy problem by getting them in the same room together. Barry says Gypsy's upset that Cisco's taking too long to decide, and Cisco hasn't made a decision because he doesn't want to leave the team. He says now that all that's out of the way, all they have to do is talk (!).

Just then Iris gets an update that DeVoe's robbed Boeing Labs and the Jamison Institute, killing three security guards in the process. Barry tells Cisco and Gypsy they need to try co-vibing again to find out why DeVoe's stealing tech. They try, but it doesn't work. Barry tries to fix their problems again, until Iris wisely tells him to butt out.

Flashback to Marlize in some third world village, working on a way to purify their water. She gets a satellite phone call from DeVoe, who begs her to come back to him. Before she can reply, the village is attacked by members of a militia. DeVoe sits helpless, listening to the explosions on the other end of the line.

Back at STAR Labs, Cisco & Gypsy finally talk. They both reveal they don't want him to take the Earth-19 job. Cisco says he's tired of them living on other planets  and wants more. Gypsy says she's fine with their relationship as is. So there you go.

With very little evidence to go on, Barry somehow figures out that DeVoe's creating a series of five satellites in order to trigger some sort of event (like an Enlightenment?). They realize he'd need quantum computers for that, and Cisco says Mercury Labs (who else?) just installed a series of such machines.

Cut to the DeVoes breaching into Mercury Labs. DeVoe uses Dwarfstar's power to shrink the massive quantum computers, as Marlize packs them up. Suddenly Barry, Cisco, Gypsy and Caitlin (?) breach in and attack. Team Flash actually manages to get the upper hand for once, as Barry and Gypsy pin DeVoe to the ground, and Cisco captures Marlize.

Of course their victory doesn't last long, as DeVoe counterattacks. Caitlin uses her freeze gun to encase him in ice, but he uses Izzy's power to create a sonic blast and free himself. He then uses Null's powers to pin everyone else to the ground, while he levitates Gypsy and begins Force-choking her. Marlize begs him to stop, saying she refuses to watch him kill another innocent. After an appropriately suspenseful beat, he releases Gypsy, and teleport away.

Back at STAR Labs, Harry and Cecile (!) have figured out just what DeVoe's Enlightenment is. He plans to use the satellites he's building to amplify his powers and reduce the intelligence of everyone on Earth, so he can rebuild it in his image.

Gypsy returns to Earth-19 with Cisco in tow. They decide to break up, and Cisco returns to Earth-1 (so why'd he have to go with her in the first place?).

Back on Earth-1, Joe reveals the surprise he was trying to keep from Cecile's psychic powers— he's throwing her a baby shower. Caitlin tells Iris she's getting Killer Frost back, no matter what.

Flashback to the DeVoe's one last time. Marlize wakes up in a hospital, with DeVoe by her side. He tells her the second he realized she was hurt, he traveled across the world to be with her. She seethes at the militia men who destroyed an entire village of women and children just to get their hands on her water purifier. She says he was right about humanity, and wants to help him with his Enlightenment.

Cut to the present day, inside DeVoe's interdimensional lair. Marlize, who was injured in the fight with Team Flash, recovers in The Thinker's flying Barcalounger. He orders her to prepare the satellites, but she refuses. He spins around to face her, and she announces she's leaving him. He tries to attack, but she erects an impenetrable forcefield around the chair. She says she realizes now that her husband is dead and flies off, leaving DeVoe alone in the pocket dimension.

At the baby shower, Cecile answers a knock at the door. We see the Mystery Girl, who's popped up several times this season, with a delivery for her. She says it's a gift from "someone who wanted you both to know how special you are." She then leaves before anyone can ask any questions. Iris looks out in the hall for the girl, who hides around the corner. Suddenly she zips away, revealing— to no one's surprise— that she's a speedster.

Thoughts:
• So let me see if I have DeVoe's motivation right. He feels technology is bad, because the human race uses it to create better and more efficient ways to kill itself. He then acquires a menu of superpowers, and plans to build a series of satellites to lobotomize the human race— by using technology. Got it.

• A few weeks ago in Null And Annoyed, Breacher decided to retire, and offered Cisco his job on Earth-19. I said that meant we'd be getting the old "Will He Or Won't He Leave His Friends For A New Job" plotline for Cisco.

I was beginning to think the writers had forgotten about it, but they finally brought it up again this week, with some very mixed results.

First of all, Cisco whines about the fact that they live on separate Earths in different dimensions is too inconvenient. He also says he wants someone he can wake up next to each morning.

So what's the big deal? They're not like a normal couple in a long distance relationship! It's not like he's in America and she lives in China, and it would take thirty hours of air travel to see each other. They're both breachers! Each of them can literally travel to the other's world as easily as walking across a room!

And if Cisco wants to wake up next to Gypsy, then do it! Breach to her world, spend the night, wake up and then breach back to his home dimension. I honestly don't get why the writers are trying to turn this into a problem.

Both Cisco and Gypsy's reasons for backing out of the relationship seemed pretty weak and half-baked. It's like the writers realized they made a mistake having two people with the same power on the show, so they wrote her off as quickly and as clumsily as they possibly could. Much like the way they realized they didn't need two speedsters, and shipped Wally off to Legends Of Tomorrow as fast as they could.

• One last thing about the Cisco/Gypsy relationship. Cisco says, "We've been doing this back-and-forth thing for almost a year, negotiating who gets to go to whose Earth and when, just to see each other, and on the off-chance we do get to see each other, there's, like, a countdown until one of us has to leave, and I'm tired of it!"

What countdown is he talking about? At first I thought maybe he meant that each of them could only spend a limited amount of time in the other's dimension before they became physically ill or died or disappeared or something.

But that can't be right, because last year HR, who's from Earth-19 just like Gypsy, spent the entire season on Earth-1 with no apparent problems. 

So I guess Cisco's talking about a figurative countdown here, and not a literal one. I think he's saying there's a countdown until one of them has to go back to their homeworld to deal with their regular lives and jobs. Confusing! Surely there was a better way for the writers to phrase this.

• If you're like me, ever since this season began you've probably been wondering just what the hell Marlize ever saw in a stodgy old goon like Clifford DeVoe. This episode attempts to answer that question in a series of less than successful flashbacks. 

We see them "meet cute" during a lecture, go on romantic picnics and even move in together. The problem here is that DeVoe comes off about as charismatic and passionate as the average dish rag.

In fact none of the flashbacks ring true until Marlize discovers his insane manifesto on world domination, and immediately walks out of his life.

The final flashback tries to explain how and why Marlize came back to him, and why she's suddenly on board with his nutty plan. While volunteering in a third world country, Marlize is injured by insurgents. DeVoe then flies around the world to be at her side. She then hisses that he was right about humanity, and wants in on his whole world domination agenda.

Her sudden change of heart felt very abrupt, poorly thought out and completely unearned.

• This week Harry reveals to Team Flash that his dark matter-powered Thinking Cap damaged his brain, and he's rapidly losing his intellect. Cisco says the good news is that "the regression seems to be reversible."

What exactly is Cisco saying here? Does he mean that any info Harry forgets can be restored? That's mighty convenient! And quite a trick too. If the dark matter's erasing the contents of his brain, I don't see any way that could be undone. Except through comic book science, of course.

• DeVoe uses Ralph's pliable body to pick a lock at Vandermeer Steel. This scene just hammers home the fact that Elongated Man's powers are downright gross and off-putting.

• Barry and Cisco investigate the robbery at Vandermeer Steel. Unfortunately the owners won't tell them what was stolen, saying it's classified. Barry then uses his superspeed to check the contents of the lab with the computer inventory, and finds the answer in less than a second.

I always laugh whenever they show Barry using everyday objects— like a computer— at superspeed. In the scene in question, he opens dozens of windows on the computer screen and scrolls through them faster than the eye can even see. Eh, I don't think so.

Sure, Barry can move thousands of times faster than normal, but the computer can't. It's still gonna putter along at its regular processor speed. It can't suddenly become exponentially faster.

The only way this scene could work is if Barry sped up the computer by somehow dragging it into Flashtime, like he did to Cisco and Caitlin a few weeks ago in Enter Flashtime.

• At one point Joe meets with Harry at Jitters. Note that once again, Harry's wearing his foolproof "disguise" out in public. I guess whenever anyone sees him, they have the following conversation:

Martha: "John, look over there! That man looks exactly like known serial killer Eobard Thawne!"
John: "Hmm. He does bear a striking resemblance to him, but it can't be Thawne! That man has a hat, and Thawne doesn't!"
Martha: "Oh, thank goodness!"

I kid, I kid! I appreciate the fact that the writers remember Harry needs a disguise, even if it's less than worthless.

• For some reason, this episode's director does his best to make the DeVoe flashbacks look like they're happening in the 1960s. The DeVoes bring an honest to god phonograph on their picnic, there's a weird, ancient-looking car parked in the background, and everything's bathed in an over saturated Polaroid-esque light.

If you think about it for even two seconds though, it's obvious the flashbacks can't be happening more than ten years ago. For one thing, the DeVoes look pretty much like they do now, meaning they're probably taking place in 2000 at the most. Heck, Marlize even pulls out a cell phone in one of the flashbacks!

• DeVoe spends most of the episode robbing tech companies of components to build his Enlightenment satellites. At one point he breaks into a shipping container in Central City's harbor district and steals what appears to be a cocktail umbrella! 

The Flash's prop department generally does an awesome job on the show, but they definitely dropped the ball here!

• The Flash's speed has always been pretty vague, fluctuating from week to week based on the needs of the script. We've been told time and again that he typically runs around Mach 2, which is about 1,520 miles per hour (it varies with air pressure and altitude). Most of the time though it's obvious that he's moving much, MUCH faster (as in Enter Flashtime). 

For example, in this episode DeVoe deflects Barry's attack by opening a portal and teleporting him to the Arctic. Despite this major setback, Barry somehow manages to run back to Central City in about forty seconds (yes, I counted). So how fast would he have had to run to accomplish that?

We don't know where Central City's located, but it seems to be somewhere in the Midwest. We also have no idea exactly where DeVoe teleported him. But we can make some educated guesses to come up with an approximate speed. 

Let's assume Barry was teleported from the Kansas City area to the North Pole. That's a distance of 3,521 miles. To make it back in forty seconds, Barry would have had to run at an astonishing 316,890 mph, which is just a wee bit faster than Mach 2!

• Now that DeVoe has the powers of eleven of the twelve bus metas, it's fun to try and figure out which one he's using in a particular scene. I usually don't have any trouble identifying his powers, but not so this week. 

For example, in the aforementioned shipyard scene, DeVoe claps his hands together and sends out a powerful shockwave that knocks Cisco and Gypsy on their collective asses. 

Whose power was THAT? DeVoe's shockwave looks like a series of smoke rings, which is usually how the show illustrates sonic powers. The only bus meta with powers like that was Izzy Bowen, but I don't remember her clapping her hands together to generate a sonic blast. By process of elimination, it pretty much has to be her power though. Maybe DeVoe just decided to get theatrical here with the clapping.

DeVoe uses another mystery power later in the episode, when he's inside Mercury Labs. This time he fires a blast of sparkling white energy shards at Barry. Again, I have no idea whose power this is supposed to be. 

My first thought would be Izzy's power again, but it doesn't look like any manifestation of it that we've ever seen. Could it be some sort of Killer Frost ice blast? He absorbed her powers a couple weeks ago too. Again though, we've never seen her power look quite like this.

I honestly don't know what's supposed to be happening in this scene.

• Since it premiered, The Flash series has had a habit of naming the various streets and buildings in Central City after comic book writers and artists. In this episode, Team Flash gets robbery alerts from Boeing Labs and the Jamison Institute.

I couldn't find any info on anyone named Boeing, but there's an Allen Jamison who's a cover artist for the various Flash comics.

• The DeVoes infiltrate Mercury Labs to steal their brand new quantum computers. DeVoe uses Dwarfstar's powers to shrink the massive computers down to a manageable size.

Note that after they shrink, there're no outlets or network lines visible anywhere on the floor. Apparently these giant computers require absolutely no external connections. Even their power supplies must be self-contained! I guess they're all like enormous laptops?

• I am continually fascinated by how tiny Cecile is! When she's standing next to Harry she almost looks like she's sitting down!

Speaking of Cecile, at the end of the episode, the Mystery Girl appears and says, "Wow, you're super pregnant! Looks like you're due about twenty one days from tonight, I'd say."

Twenty one days from the date this episode originally aired would be May 22nd. Coincidentally, that's also the date of the Season 4 finale! It'll be horribly dated in a few years, but for now I love the fact that The Flash is playing out in real time!

• For weeks now I've been predicting that Marlize would eventually become fed up with her megalomaniacal husband and turn on him. Welp, this week it finally happened!

It was extremely satisfying to see her calmly turn the tables on him and gain the upper hand for once. Especially after the revelation that he's been periodically wiping her memory to keep her docile.

• Wow, this week The Flash acknowledged the fact that Wally West was once a character on the show! During the baby shower, Joe mentions that Wally sent them a bassinet, which, because time travel, actually belonged to Moses!

I'm amazed that the show actually mentioned Wally here. Based on the way he was so rudely shown the door, it's obvious that the writers had absolutely no idea what to do with him, and wanted him out of the picture as quickly as possible. There's been no mention of him since, until this week.

• This week we finally get another appearance from Mystery Girl, who we haven't seen in months. She pops up at Cecile's baby shower, posing as a delivery girl.

She first showed up as a waitress at Barry & Iris' wedding back in Crisis On Earth-X Part 1, and has made a couple more appearances since. Most fans are convinced she's either Barry & Iris' future daughter Dawn Allen, who lives in the 30th Century and is a member of the Legion Of Superheroes. Or she's Barry & Iris; grandaughter Jenni Ognats, who also lives in the future and is a member of the Legion.

Some fans are starting to believe she's really Joe & Cecile's future daughter, who's come back to the past for some reason. There's definitely a case for that in this episode, as she delivers a diaper bag to Joe & Cecile and says, "It looks like it's a gift from someone who wanted you both to know how special you are."

The end of this episode gives us a new clue as to her possible identity. When Mystery Girl hears Iris approaching, she runs around the corner and hides. She then zips away, revealing she's a speedster! Note that as she runs, she leaves behind a trail of both yellow and purple Speed Force lightning. Those just happen to be the lightning colors of Barry and Iris (when she was temporarily a speedster a few episodes back). 

To me that pretty much seals the deal that she's the offspring of Barry & Iris! They'd be the two characters most likely to spawn another speedster, right?

• This Week's Best Lines:
Marlize: Since the age of Enlightenment, when reason, debate, and the search for truth flourished, the world has improved by nearly every measure in human advancement, and continues to do so. There is no doubt in my mind that as technology continues to bloom, so will all of humanity.
DeVoe: (chuckles)
Moderator: "Professor DeVoe? You disagree?"
DeVoe: "Well, uh, yes, I guess. Just, I have a more realistic view of humanity whenever technology is concerned." 
Marlize: "What do you mean?"
DeVoe: "Well, you spoke of the Enlightenment. One only has to look at history to find the answers."
Marlize: "Okay, let's. Life expectancy over the past two centuries has increased from thirty years to nearly seventy years."
DeVoe:"And... and we should assume that's a good thing? Each new day, we have to share very limited resources with anything up to 200,000 newborn babies, most of whom will end up living in abject poverty and famine."
Marlize: "Well, thank you very much, Professor Doom and Gloom. Remind me never to take one of your history classes."
DeVoe: "Perhaps you should. There's much I could teach you. The Taoists, in pursuit of immortality, discovered gunpowder. Alfred Nobel created the Nobel Prize so he wouldn't be remembered as the man who invented dynamite. History has shown us time and time again that whenever a technological advancement can be used to hurt humanity, it will be."
Marlize: "You can't blame technology for the way men choose to use it, Professor."
DeVoe: "You can't ignore that the best of ideas by the smartest of men often have a way of becoming corrupted."
(This whole exchange between DeVoe and Marlize is very well written and performed. Kudos!)

Gypsy: (to Cisco, via message cube) "Uh, it's me. Just checking in. For my dad. He really wants to know your answer about taking the Breacher job. I think his exact words were: 'That little son of a Breach better tell me, or they will never find the body."

Gypsy: (to Barry, after he carries her to STAR Labs at superspeed) "Don't ever "whoosh" me again, all right?"

Cisco?:"Separate satellites working together for a single purpose? So this guy really is a Bond villain."

Cecile:"What is this?"
Joe:"It's your baby shower, baby!"
Cecile: "This is why you were singing The Girl From Ipanema in your head all day!"

DeVoe: "You dare orchestrate an exodus on the eve of humanity's greatest reckoning? You made a vow."
Marlize:"To my husband! But my husband is dead. The Thinker's first victim!"
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Much Ado About Somethings

May 6, 2018, 6:32 pm
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This week Elizabeth Olsen, who stars as Scarlet Witch in Marvel Studios' mega-hit  Avengers: Infinity War, stated that she wants a redesigned, more conservative costume for her character.

In an interview with Elle magazine, she doesn't mind wearing a corset as part of her costume, but she'd prefer it to be "less revealing." 

Olsen went on to say that she realizes the Marvel movies are more about creating "iconic images," rather than "representing the average woman." Whatever the hell that means.

Said Olsen, "Everyone has these things that cover them—Tessa Thompson (who played Valkyrie in Thor: Ragnarok) does, Scarlett (Johansson, aka Black Widow) does. I would like to cover up a bit. It's funny because sometimes I look around and I'm just like—wow, I'm the only one who has cleavage, and that's a constant joke because they haven't really evolved my superhero costume that much."

OK, I don't want to just dismiss Ms. Olsen's concerns outright, so let's take a look at the outfit in question. This is the official costume Scarlet Witch wore in Captain America: Civil War.

She wears it again during part of Infinity War. 

So... this is what she's complaining about? All things considered, this looks like a pretty demure costume. Heck, it's practically Victorian, compared to Wonder Woman's outfit over at DC. Yes, she's wearing a corset, and yes, she's flashing some cleavage. But it's pretty minor, and the neckline would be perfectly acceptable in any office across the country. 

On top of all that, she's wearing a trench coat and full length pants! I've seen women show more skin than this in church!

I really don't think Olsen has anything to gripe about, as things could be far, far worse. Here's the Scarlet Witch's original comic book costume, as designed by Marvel Legend Jack Kirby. Her body's completely covered from head to toe, but she's still basically wearing a one piece bathing suit here  that leaves little to the imagination. Would Olsen feel better about wearing this costume?

It gets worse. Here's her redesigned gypsy-esque costume seen in George Perez's late 1990s run on The Avengers. Perhaps Olsen would prefer this look?

How about this costume, with an even more extreme corset, complete with two boob-cupping, er, cups? How the hell do those things even stay in place? Does she glue 'em on? Or use her probability-altering powers to keep 'em attached?

Lastly there's this fetching little number, which includes a relatively chaste sports bra-like top, but inexplicably features a prominent red boomerang that points right at her hoo-hah. Perhaps Olsen would rather parade around the set in something like this?

I'm starting to think Olsen's a massive hypocrite, and her complaints are all part of a scheme to generate some attention for herself. Don't believe me? Welp, here's the prim little frock she wore to the recent Infinity War premiere. 

In addition to looking like it's made from a Naugahyde couch, it features a plunging neckline far more daring than the one she sports as Scarlet Witch. Note that this wasn't some studio-mandated costume she was contractually forced to wear— she chose to don this outfit of her own free will.

And then there's this lovely garment, which she wore to a different premiere. Amazingly, this one reveals even more cleavage. Note that it fastens at the neck, but deliberately spreads out to expose the her breasts.

Surely she's never wear something like this to draw attention to herself!

And let's not forget this lovely gown. Jesus Christ, this one makes her Scarlet Witch costume look downright chaste!

I'm definitely starting to think Olsen wanted some publicity, and is blowing the whole Scarlet Witch situation totally out of proportion. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the 2013 American remake of Oldboy. 

The film features Elizabeth Olsen and her Infinity War costar Josh Brolin, (aka Thanos), who share an extremely graphic sex scene.

Seriously, the scene's pretty much a porno. In fact it's actually featured on pornhub.com! These two images were actually the least provocative ones I could find! Don't worry, I'm sure the scene was integral to the story.

Oddly enough, Olsen had no trouble stripping her clothes off and lying spread-eagle on a bed while Josh Brolin writhed around on top of her. But goodness me, her Scarlet Witch costume is just much too embarrassing and revealing!

Yeah, we can all stop paying attention to Elizabeth Olsen now and move on.

(thanks to my pal K.W. Monster for pointing out Olsen's premiere outfits and her Oldboy scene)
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Forty Acres And A Flamingo

May 6, 2018, 6:51 pm
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I bought a pair of lawn flamingos today. Note the blurb on the box, which, among other things, says they're good for coloring up my neighbor's lawn.

Because lord knows, I've often looked over at the house next door and thought, "You know, a pair of pink plastic flamingos would really brighten up that piece of property that I don't own."
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Flying Solo

May 12, 2018, 7:14 am
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We've all seen it happen in the grocery store aisles. Various products festooned with logos of upcoming blockbuster movies, despite the fact that there's no obvious connection between them. Star Wars labels stuck to banana bunches. Deodorant inexplicably stamped with the A Wrinkle In Time logo.

And my favorite— Gillette razors brandished with the image of Henry Cavill's Superman, from the Justice League movie!

But finally, at long, long last, we get a product/movie tie-in that actually makes sense! Behold, the Solo brand cups Solo: A Star Wars Story promotion! Genius!

I dunno what marketing executive over at the Dart Container corporation came up with this brilliant synergistic pairing, but kudos to them! Take the rest of the month off. With pay!
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Flagged Post (May 2018)

May 19, 2018, 6:45 am
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I've posted this many times now, and I'm going to keep doing it until something changes. Which will be never.

DATELINE: Cleveland, Ohio–– In response to overwhelming consumer demand, this week the American Association Of Decorative Hardware And Fixtures announced it's making a fundamental design change in all flagpoles. Beginning immediately, all poles manufactured in America will be designed to display flags at half mast only.

Sid Silverbaum, President of the Association, said, "We got a lot of feedback from various groundskeepers, patriots and elderly veterans from around the country, all of whom are exhausted from constantly having to trudge out to their poles and lower their flags to half mast every two to three days. Frankly it just doesn't make sense to make poles that display flags all the way at the top anymore."

According to Silverbaum, the new Half-Master® brand poles will be in stores by the end of the year, just in time for the latest mass shooting or Independence Day, whichever comes first.
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How Boring

May 19, 2018, 6:56 am
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DATELINE: Bell Air, California— 

This week super-genius and inventor extraordinaire Elon Musk (the real life Tony Stark) announced his next major venture— creating his very own candy company.

According to a statement released this week, Musk's confectionery company will be called Boring Candy, named of course after his own Boring Company, which sells, among other things, hats and flamethrowers (no, really).

Musk claimed he's looking to staff his factory with "Jovial, sturdy short-statured workers with orang-tinted complexions and green hair. The ability to sing, dance and compose short songs on the fly is a must."

Musk will celebrate the opening of his new Boring Candy factory by inviting five select children and their families for a special behind the scenes tour.
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It's All You Can Do (May 2018)

May 19, 2018, 7:16 pm
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Whew! It's been quite a year so far here in America. We're not even halfway through 2018, and already there've been TWENTY TWO school shootings in which a student was injured or killed. 

I realize how hard it is for our politicians in Washington and the country's Facebook users to constantly have to post their heartfelt responses to these constant tragic events, so I've come to the rescue. Below is my patented new Post School Shooting Thoughts And Prayers Generator! 

Just click one or both of the buttons to express your feelings, hit the submit button and Presto! You're done! It's so easy, it's as if you've done nothing at all!
Post School Shooting Thoughts And Prayers Generator
 Sending thoughts and prayers to the families and loved ones of the victims of this tragic event.

 Now is not the time to discuss meaningful gun control legislation.



That's it! You've literally done all you can do.
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It Came From The Cineplex: Avengers: Infinity War

May 19, 2018, 7:23 pm
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Avengers: Infinity War was written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, and directed by the Russo Brothers (Anthony & Joe).

The four of them have become something of a well-oiled machine at Marvel Studios, turning out some of their biggest and most profitable films.

Markus and McFeely are working partners who previously wrote The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian, The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, Captain America: The First Avenger, Pain & Gain (eh, you can't hit a home run every time at bat), Thor: The Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Captain America: Civil War. If there's a colon in the title of a film, odds are they wrote it. 

The Russos previously directed Pieces, Welcome To Collinwood, You, Me And Dupree, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Captain America: Civil War. They also directed many episodes of Arrested Development and Community.

Infinity War is the NINETEENTH movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Can you believe it? We've had a whopping TEN YEARS of MCU movies already! Where the hell did the time go?

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige had an unusual and long-term plan. Over the course of several years, he released a series of movies that introduced the various Marvel characters, and patiently and carefully built a shared universe for them to live in. This allowed audiences to slowly become invested in this world and its characters. It makes me happy to see all of Marvel's hard work and effort pay off for them so well. I wish more movie studios would learn from their strategy, but sadly, I don't think it'll ever happen.

According to Kevin Feige, Infinity War and the as-yet untitled Avengers 4 will tie up all the storylines and loose ends begun way back in 2008's Iron Man. That sounds... ominous. Said Feige, "It doesn't mean the MCU is coming to a close, by any means. But it means the narrative that started when we began 10 years ago will have a conclusion." It take it that means there're gonna be significant and permanent deaths before it's all over with. Get yer hankies ready, folks!

If you liked seeing the various Marvel heroes team up in The Avengers, then you'll LOVE Infinity War. Virtually every single character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe makes an appearance here.

Once again I'm amazed at how effortless Marvel makes all this look. They somehow juggled thirty five to forty major characters from their various movies, and gave each and every one of them a moment in the film.

It's even more incredible how well it all works. One would think that taking a snarky character like Iron Man and teaming him with an uptight, serious one like Doctor Strange would be a recipe for disaster. Just the opposite is true. The characters all feel like they belong in the same universe, and none of the teamups are jarring. It's all completely seamless and the Russos make it look effortless.

I grew up reading about all these characters, so it does my cold black heart good to see the general public flocking to the theater to see them. See guys? For decades we comic book geeks tried to tell you all how cool these characters and their adventures are. You could have been reading them along with us all this time!

These amazing characters and their world are quite literally America's mythology. The Greeks and Romans had their various gods, England had Arthurian legend, and America has Marvel superheroes.

As you might expect, Infinity War is a MASSIVE box office juggernaut. So far it's grossed over $1.7 BILLION worldwide ($573 million of that in the States), against its $316 million budget (some sources claim the budget was closer to $400 million).

And it's still raking in the money. Obviously it's not gonna have any trouble breaking the $2 BILLION dollar mark. I don't think it's gonna beat Avatar's total worldwide gross of $2.7 billion though. I think it's gonna be a long time before any film ever breaks that record.

INFINITE SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:
Get comfortable— it's a long 'un, as there're a ton of characters and plotlines to keep track of.

Picking up right where Thor: Ragnarok left off, Thanos invades the Asgardian refugee spaceship in search of the six Infinity Stones. Once he collects all six, he'll have the power to wipe out half of all life in the universe, to restore balance or something.

Thanos is joined on the ship by his alien Black Order: Proxima Midnight, Ebony Maw, Corvus Glaive and Cull Obsidian. Thanos and his posse easily defeat the superstrong Asgardians, including Loki, Heimdall and even Thor himself.

Thanos already has the purple Power Stone, which we're told he obtained after wiping out the planet Xandar. He demands the blue Space Stone from Loki, who stole it from Asgard before its destruction. At the last second, Loki surprises Thanos by calling for the Hulk. The Hulk bursts out of the rubble and attacks, but Thanos easily knocks him out! 

The dying Heimdall then uses the last of his power to open the Bifrost Bridge and send the Hulk back to Earth. Thanos kills him for his trouble.

Thanos then picks up the injured Thor, and threatens to kill him unless Loki hands over the Stone. Loki pretends to give it to him, but at the last second tries to stab him with a knife. Thanos takes the Stone from him, and brutally snaps Loki's neck for his effrontery! He then places the Stone in a slot in his Infinity Gauntlet, as it begins throbbing with energy.

Thor vows to kill Thanos for his actions. Thanos and his crew teleport away seconds before the ship explodes. Welp, so much for the Asgardian race then, I guess!

The Hulk appears high above New York City and crashlands inside Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum. He reverts back to Bruce Banner, as Strange and fellow wizard Wong watch in amazement. Banner tells them about Thanos and the Infinity Stones. 

Meanwhile, Tony Stark and Pepper Potts are in NYC, engaging in typical witty banter. Stark says he dreamed Pepper was pregnant and wants to know if it's true. Sadly, Pepper dashes his hopes and says no. If this scene isn't foreshadowing for a tragic end to Tony Stark's character, then nothing is. Just then, Doctor Strange opens a portal and tells Stark to come with him.

Back at Strange's HQ, he and Banner explain the situation to Stark. Strange also reveals he's wearing the green Time Stone as a necklace. Right on cue, a giant ring-shaped alien spaceship appears above the city. Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, spots the ship while on a school field trip. He has his friend Ned Leeds create a diversion, while he suits up and swings off into danger.

Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian exit the ship, and start wrecking the city as they search for the Time Stone. Stark suits up in his new nanotech Iron Man armor, while Strange and Wong ready their defensive spells. Banner tries to transform into the Hulk, but experiences performance anxiety and can't change (maybe he needs some Cialis?).

There's a big setpiece battle over a curiously unpopulated NYC, as Iron Man, Strange and Wong attack the two aliens. Spider-Man joins the battle as well. Cull Obsidian attacks Wong, who teleports him to the Arctic. He tries to lunge back through the portal, but Wong closes it, severing Obsidian's arm. Unfortunately Ebony Maw captures Strange and takes off with him in the ring ship. Spider-Man follows, clinging to the side of the ship.

Iron Man pursues the ring ship and spots Spider-Man holding on for dear life, about to pass out. He tells his A.I. Friday  to unlock "17-A." Immediately a package streaks out of Avengers HQ and flies toward Spider-Man. As he loses consciousness and falls, the package bonds to him, and we see it's actually a new, upgraded costume— complete with four cybernetic spider legs! 

Iron Man then sneaks inside the ship before it goes to warp. In the aftermath of the battle, Banner contacts the other Avengers.

Meanwhile in space, the Guardians Of The Galaxy— Peter Quill, aka Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax, Rocket, Mantis and Teen Groot— respond to the Asgardian ship's distress call. As they fly the Milano through the remains of the destroyed ship, Thor's body lands on their windshield. They assume he's dead until his one functioning eye opens.

The Guardians somehow bring Thor inside. When he comes to, he tells them about Thanos and his plan. Gamora is all too familiar with Thanos, as she and Nebula are his adopted daughters. She says if Thanos finds all six of the Infinity Stones, he'll wipe out half the galaxy with the snap of his fingers, because apparently that's a gesture even aliens know about.

Thor says Thanos already has the Power and Space Stones, while the Time and Mind gems are safe on Earth. He says no one knows anything about the Soul Stone (except its name, apparently), which leaves just the Reality Stone. It's currently owned by The Collector, who resides in Knowhere, the world carved out of a giant Celestial head that we saw in Guardians Of The Galaxy.

Thor figures Thanos will strike Knowhere next, but insists on traveling to Nidavellir first— the Dwarven planet where his mystic hammer Mjolnir was forged in the heart of a dying neutron star. There he can get the Dwarves to create a new weapon for him. The Guardians decide to split up, as Rocket and Teen Groot follow Thor to Nidavellir, while Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax and Mantis travel to Knowhere.

Cut to Scotland, where Wanda Maximoff, aka Scarlett Witch, is living with the Vision, the android created by Ultron. The Vision is powered by the yellow Mind Stone, which is embedded in his forehead. This will no doubt become a problem for him when Thanos comes to collect it.

As the two walk home, they're attacked by Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive. The aliens somehow block Vision's ability to phase his body and pin him down. Just as they're about to yank the stone out of Vision's head, Captain America, Black Widow and Falcon appear. They're able to fight off the aliens, who beat a hasty retreat. Cap and the others take Vision and Scarlett Witch to New York in a Quinjet.

As the Milano flies to Knowhere, Gamora has a flashback to her home planet of Zen-Whoberi. Thanos came there when she was a child and decided the planet's vast population was too big a drain on its resources. He then ordered his troops to wipe out half the citizenry, which in his mind restored balance to the world. Gamora's mom was one of those who Thanos murdered. He found Gamora wandering the streets in tears, took pity on her and for some reason decided to raise her as his own daughter.

Gamora snaps back to the present and asks Peter to do her a favor. She has a huge secret that Thanos doesn't know, and is afraid that if she encounters him, he'll force the info out of her. She says if they encounter Thanos, she wants Peter to kill her to protect what she knows. He realizes she's serious, and reluctantly agrees.

The Milano arrives at Knowhere. The place looks deserted, but sensors detect lifeforms in the third quadrant. They investigate and find Thanos interrogating The Collector, demanding he hand over the Reality Stone. The Collector swears he doesn't have it, but Thanos knows he's lying. 

Drax hisses that Thanos killed his family (even though I thought  he said Ronan The Accuser did it in Guardians Of The Galaxy), and decides to kill him. Star-Lord holds him back, saying to wait until Thanos gets the Stone. Just then Gamora and Mantis move in to attack, against Star-Lord's orders. 

The Collector finally hands over the Reality Stone, and Thanos places it in his gauntlet. Gamora then sneaks up behind Thanos and stabs him in the throat with a knife he gave her as a child. Thanos collapses, and the Guardians, along with The Collector, are amazed that he could be taken out so easily. He then laughs and reveals he can now alter and control reality, and is perfectly fine.

Thanos tells Gamora they need to talk about her little secret. Just then Star-Lord and the rest of the Guardians rush to save Gamora. Thanos uses the Reality Stone to turn Drax into stone, and unravel Mantis like a spool of thread. Gamora pleads with Peter to kill her like he promised. He points his blaster at her chest, but can't bring himself to fire. Thanos laughs and urges him to do it. Peter finally pulls the trigger, but is shocked when reality-altered bubbles shoot out of it. Thanos teleports away with Gamora. The altered Guardians return to normal the second he leaves.

Inside the New Avengers' HQ, James Rhodes, aka War Machine, meets with a hologram of General Ross (the Hulk's old foe). Ross is still going on about the Sokovia Accords, and the fact that half the Avengers are considered war criminals. Just then Captain America, Black Widow, Falcon, Vision and Scarlet Witch enter. Ross orders Rhodes to arrest them all, but he switches off the General's hologram.

Captain America says Thanos will no doubt come for Vision's Minds Stone, so they need to be ready. Vision offers to sacrifice himself by having Scarlet Witch destroy the stone with her powers. Bruce Banner shows up, and says it may be possible to separate Vision from the stone, but he doesn't have the tools to do so. Cap says he knows someone who does, and suggests they take Vision to Wakanda.

Meanwhile, Ebony Maw's ship is still heading for Thanos' homeworld of Titan. He tries to snatch the Time Stone from the captive Dr. Strange's neck, but is zapped by a protective spell. Maw begins torturing Strange, as Iron Man watches from above. He's surprised by the sudden appearance of Spider-Man, who used his new suit to sneak back onto the ship. Iron Man's furious that Spider-Man disobeyed his orders and placed himself in danger.

They discuss how to save Strange, and Spider-Man suggests a trick from "an old movie called ALIENS." Iron Man blows a hole in the side of the ship, which sucks Ebony Maw out into space, where he dies. That was easy! Unfortunately Strange is almost sucked out as well, until Spider-Man rescues him. Iron Man seals up the hole.

The three then try to figure out how to turn the ship around and return to Earth. Iron Man says he thinks they should go to Titan and take the fight to Thanos, since he won't be expecting that (just how he knows Thanos will return to his home planet is apparently none of our business). They all agree to proceed to Titan, and Iron Man makes Spider-Man an honorary Avenger.

Onboard Thanos' ship, he explains his philosophy to Gamora. He says the universe has finite resources, and its population's using it up too fast. To remedy that, once he gets all six Infinity Stones he plans to eliminate half of all life everywhere. He then says he's aware that Gamora knows the location of the mysterious Soul Stone. He reveals he got this info from Gamora's "sister" Nebula, who he's torturing by pulling her cybernetic body apart. Gamora can't stand to see Nebual suffer and tells Thanos to stop. She says the Soul Stone is on the planet Vormir. Thanos grabs Gamora and the two teleport away.

Meanwhile, Thor, Rocket and Teen Groot are tooling along in the Milano's pod ship. Rocket says if Thor's gonna defeat Thanos, he'll need two good eyes. To that end, he hands him a cybernetic eye he stole from "a jerk on Contraxia." Thor inserts the eye, and that little plot point's solved!

They approach Nidavellir, and Thor's horrified to see the planet's forges are dark and its neutron star burned out. They land the pod and investigate. Rocket spots a mold of Thanos' gauntlet (FORESHADOWING ALERT!), right before they're attacked by Eitri, last of the Dwarves of Nidavellir. Oddly enough, Eitri's a good fifty feet tall, which I guess is a thing among Space Dwarves. 

Eitri's furious that Asgard didn't come to the aid of his people, until Thor tells him his homeworld was destroyed. Eitri says Thanos came to him and demanded he forge a gauntlet that could harness the power of the Infinity Stones. He obeyed, hoping that doing so would save the lives of the three hundred Dwarves on Nidavellir. Unfortunately Thanos killed them all anyway, and turned Eitri's hands into metal (or encased them in metal, it's hard to tell).

Thor says he needs Eitri to make him a new weapon, one which can destroy Thanos. He says he'd love to, but they'd have to reignite the neutron star and restart the forges.

Elsewhere, Nebula kills her torturer and escapes Thanos' ship in a pod. For some reason, she radios the Guardians and tells them to meet her on Titan.

Speaking of Titan, the ring ship containing Iron Man, Dr. Strange and Spider-Man finally arrives there and crash lands on the surface. As Iron Man and the others brush themselves off, Star-Lord, Drax and Mantis arrive. The Guardians attack Iron Man & Co, thinking they're with Thanos. Eventually Iron Man convinces them he and his pals are from Earth.

Iron Man says they should make their stand on Titan. He proposes they attack Thanos when he returns, and pry the gauntlet off his hand. Having no other ideas, the rest of them agree.

Just then, Mantis notices Dr. Strange vibrating (POSSIBLE PLOT POINT!). Iron Man asks if he's OK, and Strange says he used his Time Stone to look ahead and view the future. He says he looked at 14,000,605 various alternate timelines, but there's only one in which the heroes win.

Thanos and Gamora arrive on Vormir. They climb a treacherous peak, where they're met by the Guardian of the Soul Stone. He warns Thanos that the Stone exacts a terrible price. When Thanos asks how he knows so much, the Guardian reveals he's the Red Skull, last seen in Captain America: The First Avenger. If you'll recall, in that film the Red Skull held the Space Stone in his hand, until it seemingly disintegrated him. In reality it transported him across the galaxy and dumped him on Vormir.

Red Skull tells Thanos that the Soul Stone demands a sacrifice— a soul for a soul. Thanos understands, and grabs Gamora. He apologizes to her, and even sheds a tear as he throws her off the cliff and into the abyss. We then see Gamora's broken body at the bottom of the mountain (!), as the Soul Stone presents itself to Thanos. He takes the Stone and places it in his gauntlet. 

Cut to Wakanda, where Black Panther and his guard Okoye prepare for the arrival of their guests. They're joined by Bucky Barnes, who's been recovering in Panther's kingdom for the past few movies. Captain America, Black Widow, Bruce Banner, Vision, Scarlet Witch, War Machine and Falcon land in their Quinjet, and are welcomed by Black Panther. 

Captain America's happy to be reunited with Bucky, and see that he's apparently been cured of his villainism. Black Panther takes Vision to his sister Shuri, who he hopes can figure out a way to separate the android from the Mind Stone. She says she can do it, but it'll take time. Just then, several large objects descend from space and land in the jungles outside Wakanda. 

Captain America and the others suit up for war. Cap tells Scarlett Witch to stay in the lab and use her powers to blow the stone to hell the minute it's out of Vision's head.

Back on Nidavellir, Thor uses the pod to push the mechanical rings around the neutron star and get them spinning again. Amazingly it works, and the star reignites. We probably shouldn't think too hard about any of the science here. Unfortunately Eitri says the iris, which focuses the star's energy into the forges, is broken. The only way to fix it is for Thor to stand in the center of the iris and hold it open. This is suicide though, as the energy of the sun will certainly incinerate Thor. 

In Wakanda, Promima Midnight, Cull Obsidian (now with a replacement cybernetic arm) and Corvus Glaive emerge from the jungle, and approach the gigantic forcefield around Wakanda. They demand the massive Wakandan army surrender, but Black Panther tells 'em to get lost. Midnight gives a signal, and thousands of mindless, multi-armed alien creatures pour out of the jungle. The aliens literally smash themselves against the forcefield as they try to breach it. A few make it through, although they're incinerated in the process.

On Nidavillar, Thor opens the iris, as the full power of the neutron star blasts over him. The energy fires up the forges, and Eitri uses the heat to melt several mystical metal ingots. He pours them into a mold and breaks it open, revealing Stormbreaker, Thor's new magical axe. Unfortunately Eitri can't find the handle, so Teen Groot forms one out of his living wooden arm and sticks it into the bottom of the axe.

Meanwhile, Thanos returns to Titan, having apparently sensed the Time Stone there (I guess?). He confronts Doctor Strange, who asks him what happened to the planet. Thanos says it was overpopulated, and he offered to save it by randomly killing half the population. They refused, and his prediction came true— Titan tore itself apart. Strange asks him what he'll do after he successfully wipes out half the universe. Thanos says he'll finally be able to rest, and "watch the sun rise on a grateful universe." (FORESHADOWING ALERT!)

Suddenly Iron Man, Spider-Man and the Guardians attack Thanos and try to pry the gauntlet off his hand. He struggles, until Mantis hops on his back and puts him to sleep with her mental powers. Star-Lord then demands to know where Gamora is, which begins riling Thanos. The others almost have the gauntlet off him, and tell Star-Lord to cool it. Unfortunately he keeps needling Thanos, desperately trying to learn Gamora's fate. This causes Thanos to throw off Mantis' mind control, and he blasts the heroes off his body. Way to go, Star-Lord!

Thor, Rocket and Teen Groot arrive in Wakanda. Cap greets the group and fills them in, seemingly unfazed by a talking racoon and tree. Black Panther notes the aliens are swarming around the forcefield, heading toward downtown Wakanda. He says if that happens all is lost, so he orders a section of the shield opened, and the aliens pour in toward the heroes.

The Avengers and the Wakandan army then engage the alien horde in hand to hand combat. Bruce Banner, who still can't transform, appears on the battlefield wearing a new version of Tony Stark's Hulkbuster armor. Ironic! Scarlet Witch, who's still with Vision and Shuri, sees the carnage below. She flies down to the battlefield and uses her powers to wipe out hundreds of the alien grunts.

On Titan, Iron Man attacks Thanos. He actually gets in a few good punches, until Thanos reaches up and uses the power of the gauntlet to literally pull a moon apart and rain debris onto the heroes. Iron Man dodges the falling rocks, and delivers a powerful blow to Thanos, actually managing to hurt him. Thanos laughs, saying "All that for a drop of blood," which may or may not be a plot point in the next film.

Thanos is about to kill Iron Man, when Doctor Strange tells him to stop. He says he'll give him the Time Stone in exchange for Stark's life. The others are horrified and scream for him to stop, but Strange hands over the Stone. Thanos places it in the gauntlet, says, "One to go" and disappears.

Thanos materializes in Wakanda. Cap and the others try to stop him, but he's just too powerful. Shuri seemingly completes the separation process, but it's not clear if she does or not. Vision floats down to the battlefield, and tells Scarlet Witch that the others can't stop Thanos, but she can. She's horrified when she realizes what he's saying. He tells her if she doesn't destroy the Stone in his head, half the universe will die. 

Seeing Thanos approaching, Scarlett Witch realizes Vision's right and reluctantly begins blasting away at his forehead. The Mind Stone explodes, sending a massive shockwave through the jungle. Scarlet Witch weeps, as she sees the lifeless Vision lying on the ground. Thanos tells her this is no time to grieve. Get it? "No time?" He then uses the Time Stone to rewind events thirty seconds or so, before the Mind Stone exploded. He picks up Vision and pulls the Stone from his forehead, discarding his body. 

Thanos then places the last Stone in his gauntlet. He's immediately filled with the energy of all six Infinity Stones. Just then Thor appears in the sky above, and hurls Stormbreaker at Thanos. He counters with an energy blast, but the axe cuts right through it and slices into his body.

Thor reminds Thanos that he told him he'd kill him for what he did to Loki and his people. The severely wounded Thanos tells Thor he should have gone for the head, and he raises his hand and snaps his fingers. There's a massive energy release which fries the gauntlet, rendering it useless. Thanos disappears as Thor screams, "WHAT DID YOU DO??"

Thanos looks around and finds himself in an idyllic landscape, which may or may not be inside the Soul Stone. He sees a vision of Young Gamora, who asks if "he did it." Thanos says yes. She asks what it cost, and he says, "Everything."

Across the universe, half of all life begins to disappear. In Wakanda, many of the various superheroes begin turning to ash. Bucky, Teen Groot, Scarlett Witch, Falcon and Black Panther all disintegrate, leaving Captain America, Black Widow, Bruce Banner, Thor, Rocket, War Machine, Okoye and M'Baku alive. On Titan, Star-Lord, Drax, Mantis and Doctor Strange disappear as well, leaving only Iron Man, Spider-Man and Nebula alive. 

Suddenly Spider-Man says he's not feeling well. Iron Man holds him in his arms, and watches in horror as Peter turns to ash. He looks helplessly at Nebula.

Cut to Thanos, sitting on the porch of a farmhouse on an idyllic planet. He watches the sunset as a satisfied smile spreads across his face. Yep! That's how it ends!

In the post credits scene, Nick Fury and Agent Maria Hill are driving through New York City. Suddenly a car smashes into them, and when they get out to investigate they see there's no driver. Fury looks around and sees various citizens turning to ash. Hill calls to Fury, and he turns to see her disintegrate. He takes an odd looking pager-like device out of his pocket and activates it. He manages to say, "Motherfu..." before he disappears.

The pager falls to the ground, but its screen displays an icon that's suspiciously similar to the one Captain Marvel wears.

Thoughts:
• I hope everyone who sees Infinity War is up on their MCU lore, because the film doesn't waste a second explaining who any of the characters are as it dives straight into the action.

That's probably for the best. As I said above, there are almost forty major characters in this film. Can you imagine what would've happened if they'd stopped to introduce them all? In addition to being six hours long, the movie would have been an incomprehensible mess.

Honestly we didn't need any introductions here. We've been following these characters over the course of ten years, so by now we know who they all are, their relationships with one another and what they can do.

This is the major advantage of slowly and patiently growing a shared universe the way Marvel's done. They got the character introductions out of the way in their individual movies, so this one can focus on the interactions and plot.

If only Warner Bros. would study what Marvel's done and put the info to use in their own films.

• I'm impressed by the way Marvel Studios has handled their cinematic universe, as they slowly and methodically introduced increasingly outlandish comic book concepts over the years. If Infinity War had been the very first MCU movie, it would have been too much to handle all at once. Audiences would likely have been overwhelmed by bizarre characters like Rocket and Groot, and put off by cosmic ideas such as Asgardians, spell-wielding wizards and magical colored stones.

Kevin Feige and his pals knew to start small, and lay a relatively realistic foundation upon which they could build. 2008's Iron Man is actually fairly grounded (how I hate to use that word). It's pretty much about a guy who builds a flying suit of armor. You could almost believe that a man with enough smarts and cash could actually create such a thing in the real world.

They upped the ante considerably with 2011's Thor, which introduced the space city of Asgard and its god-like inhabitants, and then went all in with 2014's Guardians Of The Galaxy, giving us a whole new galaxy of bizarre aliens and worlds.

By carefully doling out these outrageous ideas over the years, they eased the audience into them, like an old man into a hot bath. They're now perfectly willing to accept a movie where talking raccoons coexist with wizards, purple space men wield magical gloves and Peter Dinklage is fifty feet tall.

• Regular readers of my blog know my movie reviews tend to be pretty negative. That's because most of the films I see these days are pure and utter crap. How could I not be negative about them?

Happily that's not the case with Infinity War. I thought it was amazing and was entertained by every second of it.

Here are just a few of the things I loved about the film:

— As always, every word out of Drax's mouth was pure comedy gold. Especially his odd fascination with Thor, and his insistence that he can become invisible if he moves slowly enough.

— The interaction between Tony Stark and Doctor Strange. And why not? Doctor Strange was pretty much a shot for shot remake of Iron Man, and they're basically the same arrogant, egotistical character.

— When Doctor Strange meets Iron Man and Spider-Man, he quips, "I'm confused as to the relationship here, I mean, what is he? Your ward?" Definite Batman & Robin reference there!

— The battle between Iron Man, Doctor Strange, Wong and Spider-Man against Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian was amazingly awesome, and very well done.

Speaking of Ebony Maw, I liked him quite a bit. Especially the way he used his telepathy to calmly and effortlessly toss deadly rubble at the heroes.

— The Russos didn't just team up the main characters in the film— they brought in the supporting casts as well! I really like seeing side characters such as Wong, Pepper Potts, Ned Leeds and The Collector appear again. 

— When Star-Lord tells the Guardians to "put on their mean faces," watch Mantis, who's sitting directly behind him. She does her best to make a "scary" face.

— Speaking of Star-Lord, I loved when he called the purple-skinned Thanos "Grimace." HAW!

—  One of the highlights of Infinity War was seeing Peter Dinklage play a fifty foot tall "dwarf!"

— I'm also a fan of the unlikely pairing of Bucky and Rocket during the battle of Wakanda. As they're both shooting away at Thanos' forces, Bucky fires his gun with one hand while picking up Rocket with the other, using him as a surrogate weapon!

— I also quite liked the team up between Black Widow and Okoye as they took on Promima Midnight in Wakanda.

• No film's perfect though, not even Infinity War. Here's a few things I didn't love:

— I wish Thanos' Black Order had been given a proper introduction. As the movie opens, the four of them are just sort of there, with no explanation. Who the hell are they? Where'd they come from? What are their powers? Why should we fear them? 

Heck, I'm not even sure any of their names are ever uttered onscreen.

— For such an action packed spectacle, Infinity War seems awfully... empty. We see a few people running for cover during the battle in New York City, but for the most part the only characters we see are the various superheroes. An occasional crowd shot would have given the action some more stakes.

It's not until the Battle Of Wakanda that we actually see more than five or six characters onscreen at the same time.

— At the very end of the movie, the survivors of the "dusting" sit speechless, too stunned to talk. 

Check out Bruce Banner in this scene. Apparently the effects guys were either exhausted by this point or simply ran out of time, because it looks for all the world like they just Photoshopped a picture of Banner's head on top of the Hulkbuster armor. 

Not only does the lighting on Bruce's face not match the environment, but his head looks like it's twice as big as it ought to be. Seriously, it's really, reeeeeeally bad. Like 1990s quality CGI.

— That's it! There really wasn't a lot that I didn't like!

• The Russos did an amazing job of teaming up characters from the various Marvel franchises, and making it look smooth and effortless. No doubt that wasn't easy, as the tones of the different films varied wildly, from the silly (as in the Guardians movies) to the ultra serious (the Captain America ones). It really is an incredibly impressive achievement.

That said, there are a few obvious and visible seams in the film.

— In the Avengers: Age Of Ultron post credits scene, Thanos gets fed up with his lackeys constantly failing to bring the Infinity Stones to him. He then opens up his closet, revealing the Infinity Gauntlet inside. Thanos smiles as he puts on the Gauntlet and says, "Fine. I'll do it myself."

This scene tells me he been keeping the Gauntlet in storage for quite a while. But in Infinity War, Eitri the Dwarf King implies that Thanos just recently invaded Nivadellir and forced him to forge the Gauntlet for him. Whoops!

Also, it doesn't feel like Thanos is "doing it himself," since he sends his squad of "children" to collect the Stones. Eventually he does end up doing it himself, but he still gets quite a bit of help early on.

— In Guardians Of The Galaxy, Gamora's arrested by the Nova Corps on Xandar. During processing we get a look at her rap sheet, which says she's the "Last Survivor Of The Zehoberei People." A couple things here:

During a rare quiet moment in Infinity War, Gamora and her pops Thanos have the following conversation:

Thanos:"Your planet was on the brink of collapse. I'm the one who stopped that. You know what's happened since then? The children born have known nothing but full bellies and clear skies. It's a paradise."
Gamora:"Because you murdered half the planet."
Thanos:"A small price to pay for salvation."

Hmm. So that pretty much confirms Thanos DIDN'T destroy the entire population, and Gamora's NOT the last of her people.

I'm betting this pretty major discrepancy isn't a mistake, and was a deliberate change on the part of the Russos. Most likely they came up with Thanos'"Kill Half To Save The Other Half" philosophy as they were writing Infinity War, and decided not to be hamstrung by Gamora's readout in Guardians. After all, her rap sheet was visible for about two seconds (if that), and 99.9% of the audience probably never noticed it.

Also, in Infinity War Gamora's race is called the Zen-Whoberi, not the Zehoberei. Whoops again! Rhomann Dey's the one who processed her on Xandar— maybe he's just not very good at spelling.

— According to onscreen captions, Guardians Of The Galaxy and Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 both take place in 2014. However, Infinity War is set in 2018. So what the hell have the Guardians been doing the past four years? Their lineup is identical to the one they had in their previous movie, they're all wearing the exact same clothes, and Teen Groot is still a teen. Why, it's almost like no time at all has passed between their last appearance and this one!

— Drax seems to be having some trouble remembering who slaughtered his family. In Guardians Of The Galaxy he says, "Ronan murdered my wife Ovette and my daughter Camaria. He slaughtered them where they stood, and he laughed!"

But in Infinity War, Drax sees Thanos in person on Knowhere and hisses, "Today he pays for the deaths of my wife and daughter!"

So which is it, Drax? Did Ronan The Accuser kill your family, or was it Thanos? I dunno about anyone else, but I don't think I'd ever forget the person who murdered by loved ones.

There might be a way to explain away this discrepency. During Gamora's arrest in Guardians, Nova Corps officer Rhomann Dey says, "Recently, Thanos lent her and her sister Nebula out to Ronan, which leads us to believe that Thanos and Ronan are working together."

Maybe Thanos ordered Ronan to kill Drax's family. If so, then they'd both be complicit in the murders, which could explain why Drax blames them interchangeably.

Or it could just be a whopper of a mistake that no one caught!

— In the Infinity War post credits scene, S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury and Agent Maria Hill are driving through downtown New York when they're suddenly dusted by Thanos' finger snap.

Um... since when is Fury the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. again? Even better— since when is S.H.I.E.L.D. a thing again?

In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Fury deliberately destroyed S.H.I.E.L.D., which had secretly been taken over from within by HYDRA. He then faked his own death and went into hiding.

Then in Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Fury reappeared in the nick (heh) of time, using the last remaining S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier to rescue the citizens of Sokovia from Ultron.

At the end of the movie, we see Fury in his old getup, seemingly in charge of the new Avengers HQ in upstate New York. We see Maria Hill, Dr. Erik Selvig and Dr. Helen Cho there as well. There're also squads of soldiers running around the grounds, apparently in training.

So does this new Avengers HQ also double as the new S.H.I.E.L.D. base? I guess so!

• Infinity War is very, VERY loosely based on Marvel's 1991 comic book miniseries Infinity Gauntlet.

Long story short: As the comic begins, Thanos already has all six Infinity Stones in his Gauntlet, which gives him the powers of a god. He tries to win the love of Lady Death, but she ignores him. Thanos then tries to impress her by snapping his fingers and wiping out half of all life in the universe.

Adam Warlock, who's not yet been introduced in the MCU, goes to Earth and assembles a team of surviving superheroes. He also gathers a group of superpowerful cosmic entities to join the fight.

The heroes attack, and there's lots of battling back and forth. Eventually Nebula, who's Thanos'granddaughter in the comics, grabs the Gauntlet from his hand and uses it herself. She becomes mad with power, and Thanos then has to join forces with his enemies to defeat her.

The heroes eventually beat Nebula, and Warlock takes the Gauntlet for himself. He imprisons Nebula, returns the heroes to Earth, and banishes Thanos to a peaceful world, where he lives out his life as a farmer (?). 

As you can see, there ain't much of the comic in the movie. About the only part they used were the bits about Thanos wanting to wipe out half of all life in the universe, and retiring to a verdant planet and watching the sunset after he was done.

I have a feeling the fact that Nebula survived the "snapping" is significant though, and that her storyline in the next film may mirror the one in the graphic novel.

• The movie begins with a staticky distress call from the Asgardian refugee ship, which is being attacked by Thanos and his crew. The signal says, "This is the Asgardian refugee vessel. We are under assault. I repeat, we are under assault. Aliens are dead, sliced open... Requesting aid from any vessel within range. Our crew is made of Asgardian
families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a war craft, I repeat, this is not a war craft."

This signal sounds AMAZINGLY like the distress call from the Kobayashi Maru in Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan. It's way too close to be a coincidence, and I can't help but feel it's an homage.

• Callback Time! Thanos and his Children invade the Asgardian refugee ship, looking for the Space Stone. Loki reluctantly hands it over, but says the sun will shine on Asgard again. Thanos says, "Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian." 

Loki then tells Thanos, "Well for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another... WE HAVE A HULK!" The Hulk then leaps out of hiding and attacks Thanos.

Note that Loki's line is identical to Tony Stark's in The Avengers. When Loki confronts Stark, he says he'll win because he has an army. Stark quickly replies, "We have a Hulk."

• As the movie opens, Thanos already has the purple Power Stone in his Gauntlet! When the heck did that happen? According to a line of dialogue later on from Thor, Thanos got the Stone by wiping out the planet Xandar sometime before the movie starts.

Funny how Infinity War very meticulously shows Thanos acquiring each and every one of the Stones except for that one. But why? Why not show him and his forces decimating Xandar to get the Stone? It's not like it's an obscure little planet. Xandar played a huge role in Guardians Of The Galaxy, and we got to know several characters there, such as Nova Prime and Rhomann Dey. I feel kind of cheated.

Did they skip the Xandar scene because it would have made an already long movie even lengthier? Or did they blur past it in an effort to save money? 

There was a very easy solution to this situation. All they had to do was insert a short little post-credit scene into either Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 or Thor: Ragnarok, in which we see Rhomann Dey waking up on Xandar. As he shuffles out into his space kitchen, he pours a bowl of space cereal and turns on his space TV. As he munches away, there's a news broadcast reporting on a strange disturbance in the upper atmosphere. Suddenly the sky goes dark. Dey looks out the window, and sees a massive ship blotting out all three of Xandar's suns. 

BOOM! There's your scene. It's short and to the point, and it tells the audience Thanos is comin' for that Power Stone without requiring a ton of expensive special effects. You're welcome, Marvel. I expect to see this deleted scene on the Infinity War blu-ray, and you can send me my royalty check in care of my blog.

• When we first see Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, they're enjoying a sunny day in Central Park (I think). Tony tells Pepper about a dream he had, in which she was pregnant. For anyone who's ever seen a movie before, this is some heavy duty foreshadowing. The two characters might as well have stopped, looked directly into the camera and winked.

I fully expect Pepper to announce she's pregnant in Avengers 4 (whatever it ends up being titled). Which of course will make it all the more tragic when Tony sacrifices himself to save the universe.

• Hey, look! Sherlock Holmes meets Sherlock Holmes!

• I gotta say, I am not a fan of the "Iron Spider" armor that Peter Parker wears in the film. For one thing, I don't care for the color scheme or the over-complicated, fiddly design. And I reeeeally don't like the idea that Tony Stark is constantly upgrading Spider-Man's suits, and packing them chock full of high tech bells and whistles.

Comic book Spider-Man has traditionally been a low-key, street level kind of hero. The kind who sews his own costume and stops purse thieves, all while trying to juggle his classes and part time job. Heck, he even calls himself "Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man!"

He's also not perfect, as his personal life always seems to go wrong, and he's not always victorious against his opponents.

Having Iron Man simply hand him all the tools he needs to defeat the bad guys completely undercuts the character. Heck, his new costume even has goddamned mechanical spider legs that pop out of it!

This isn't the Spider-Man I grew up with. He's more like Iron Man 2.0.

That said, I do enjoy the mentor/protege relationship between Tony Stark and Peter Parker. So I guess there's that. I just wish they'd tone down the Stark tech a notch or twelve.

By the way, the Iron Spider armor is from the comics. It first appeared back in 2006's Amazing Spider-Man #529, and was part of the Civil War storyline that ran through Marvel comics around that time.

• When the Guardians find Thor floating in space, they bring him inside the Milano. A couple things here:

First of all, after they rescue him, we see Gamora shaking her hand and rubbing it, as if she's in pain. Back in Guardians Of The Galaxy, we saw that Thanos made enhancements to Gamora that allowed her to survive in outer space for a brief time. 

I'm betting her hand rubbing was supposed to imply that she'd opened the ship's hatch, reached outside and yanked Thor into the ship. Nice touch!

Secondly, once they lay Thor out on a table, Gamora absentmindedly starts stroking his arm, saying, "It's like his muscles are made of Cotati metal fiber."

Believe it or not, that's actually a comic book reference! In the Marvel Universe, the Cotati are a fictional race of highly intelligent telepathic plants. Somebody's been doing their homework!

• This is some heavy duty nitpicking, but whatever. Gamora warns that if Thanos gets his hands on all six Infinity Stones, he can wipe out half the population of the entire galaxy with the snap of a finger. Later on we see that's exactly what he does! 

Who knew finger snapping was a universal gesture, practiced on planets all over the galaxy?

Told you it was heavy duty!

• In this film we learn that Thor's 1,500 years old. I'm pretty sure this is new info, and he's never mentioned his age in any previous movie.

• We also learn that Thor can understand Teen Groot, because apparently "Grootish" is an elective in Asgardian schools!

• One last thing about Thor— in Thor: Ragnarok, he lost his right eye in a battle with his evil sister Hela. He then starts sporting a stylish Asgardian eye patch.

Halfway through Infinity War, Rocket says Thor he's gonna need two good eyes if he wants to defeat Thanos. He then gives him a bionic eye he stole from a space smuggler. Thor takes the eye, pops it in, and he's good as new. That was easy!

I figured Thor would eventually get his eye back somehow, but I thought his restoration would be a bit more... epic. I definitely thought there'd be more to it than a space raccoon tossing him a new eyeball!

By the way, watch Thor closely after he gets his new eye. For the rest of the movie, his eyes are two different colors! Now THAT'S attention to detail!

• When Scarlet Witch was first introduced, she spoke with a thick Sokovian accent, similar to Romanian or something. Amazingly her accent's completely gone in Infinity War, as she speaks pretty much like I imagine Elizabeth Olsen does. Whoops!

I suppose we could say that since she's been living outside of Sokovia for several years, her accent just naturally faded. I suppose we could say that, but I don't see why we should.

• Sometime between movies, Vison apparently developed the ability to make himself look like British actor Paul Bettany!

• At one point, Gamora flashes back to the day Thanos wiped out half the population of her home world of Zen-Whoberi. Thanos' Chitauri soldiers storm the capital city, lining up the populace and firing on them.

The skies of Zen-Whoberi are filled with gigantic Chitauri space worms as well!

Note that these are the same Chitauri troops and worms that Thanos loaned out to Loki in the Battle Of New York in The Avengers! Cool!

• The Guardians fly to Knowhere, hoping to recover the Reality Stone before Thanos does. Unfortunately they arrive too late, after Thanos has destroyed The Collector's warehouse.

Watch carefully as Gamora picks her way through the wreckage. At the left of the screen you can catch a brief glimpse of a bald, blue man locked in one of The Collector's cages. That's none other than Tobias Funke, the Blue Man Group wannabe from Arrested Development!

As I mentioned above, the Russos directed episodes of both Arrested Development and Community, and like to toss in little homages to those shows whenever they can. Captain America: The Winter Soldier featured a cameo by Danny Pudi, aka Abed of Community Fame. And the Bluth family stair car was briefly seen in the background in Captain America: Civil War.

• Inside Thanos' warship, he explains his philosophy to Gamora. He claims the universe is becoming too populous, and its resources are being used up at an alarming rate. To combat this, he plans to wipe out half of all life everywhere in the universe, in order to save the other half from starvation. A couple things here:

First of all, I'm pretty sure the UNIVERSE is infinite. As in, it has no boundaries and never ends. There's no way in hell any amount of life could ever use up its resources.

I kind of wonder if the screenwriters meant to say "galaxy" here instead of "universe." It's a pretty common mistake. Our galaxy, while immensely large, is indeed finite, and I suppose it could conceivably run out of resources someday— like in a hundred million years or so.

Secondly, Thanos has the Reality Stone now. With it he can literally do anything— alter the laws of physics, transmute elements or create something from nothing. If he's so worried about resources, why doesn't he just use the Stone to conjure up plenty of stuff for everyone?

Didn't think of that one, did you, screenwriters?

• A big tip of the hat to Digital Domain, the effects house that primarily worked on Thanos. I thought he looked amazing, and absolutely 100% real. Heck, they even managed to give him moles, beard stubble and arm hair! Incredible!

Watching the movie, it never once occurred to me that I was looking at a CGI creation. Thanos wasn't just a special effect— he was most definitely emoting. You could look at his eyes and see what he was thinking. It's an impressive achievement.

Of course Josh Brolin's performance deserves a shout out as well. He acted his ass off and gave the effects guys the raw material they needed to turn Thanos into a living, breathing entity.

I hate to always rag on the DC movies, but compare any scene of Thanos with Steppenwolf, the similar purple spaceman from last year's Justice League movie. Thanos makes him look like a character from a 1990s era movie.

• Thanos first appeared in the comics in 1973's Iron Man #55. He was created by writer Mike Friedrich and writer/artist Jim Starlin. Starlin created many of Marvel Comics more cosmic characters. 

Starlin created Thanos during a college psychology class, saying:

"I went to college between doing U.S. military service and getting work in comics, and there was a psych class and I came up with Thanos and Drax the Destroyer, but I'm not sure how he fit into it, just anger management probably. 

So I came up to Marvel and [editor] Roy [Thomas] asked if I wanted to do an issue of Iron Man. I felt that this may be my only chance ever to do a character, not having the confidence that my career was going to last anything longer than a few weeks. So they got jammed into it. Thanos was a much thinner character and Roy suggested beefing him up, so he's beefed up quite a bit from his original sketches ... and later on I liked beefing him up so much that he continued to grow in size."

In the comics, Thanos is the son of Mentor and Sui-San, and brother of Eros (none of whom have been introduced in the movies). Thanos' family are members of a race called the Eternals, who are in constant conflict with another race called the Deviants. The Eternals look more or less human, and live on Saturn's moon Titan. While Thanos is an Eternal, he carries the Deviant gene, which explains his unusual appearance. 

Thanos' mother was horrified by his looks and tried to kill him, fearing he'd grow up to destroy all life in the universe. How prescient! Unfortunately Thanos' father Mentor stopped her.

Obviously none of this happened in the movies, as MCU Thanos is a completely different animal.

Comic fans have long accused Thanos of being a ripoff, er, I mean pale imitation of DC's Darkseid character, who was created by the legendary Jack Kirby. Both are superpowerful spacemen with purple skin and similar builds, they each have extended families and they live on nearly identical advanced worlds.

They're also both fixated with death. Darkside is constantly searching for the Anti-Life Equation, a mathematical proof of the futility of existence. In Thanos' case, he's literally obsessed with death. He's in love with Lady Death, the personification of lifelessness in the Marvel Universe, and will do anything to win her approval.

Starlin himself freely admitted that Thanos was influenced by Darkseid. Said Starlin:

Kirby had done the New Gods, which I thought was terrific. He was over at DC at the time. I came up with some things that were inspired by that. You'd think that Thanos was inspired by Darkseid, but that was not the case when I showed up. In my first Thanos drawings, if he looked like anybody, it was Metron. I had all these different gods and things I wanted to do, which became Thanos and the Titans. Roy took one look at the guy in the Metron-like chair and said: "Beef him up! If you're going to steal one of the New Gods, at least rip off Darkseid, the really good one!"

So there you go! Thanos' creator copied Darkseid and doesn't care who knows it!

• In the comics, Thanos and his family live on Saturn's moon Titan, in our solar system.

Movie Thanos also lives on Titan, but it's apparently a completely different world. Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Spider-Man take control of Ebony Maw's ringship, but can't deactivate its autopilot. It then takes them quite a while to reach Titan, even at warp speed, indicating it's located far outside our solar system.

• As I mentioned earlier, in the Infinity Gauntlet miniseries, Thanos is obsessed with Lady Death, and would do anything to win her love. To that end, he uses the unimaginable power of the Gauntlet to wipe out half of all life in the Universe, hoping to impress her.

His motivation is quite different in Infinity War though. No longer is he trying to hook up with Lady Death, as she's not even a character in the movie! Instead, Movie Thanos is inexplicably concerned with ecology, and wants to preserve the universe's precious resources. Wha...?

I didn't really understand Thanos' new incentive, or why the screenwriters changed his motivation so drastically. Storywise, it just seems lacking. Why the heck would an evil supervillain care about saving the universe?

Turns out they actually knew what they were doing!

1990's Silver Surfer #35 featured the titular character clashing with Thanos, who gives him a lesson in galactic ecology. He says the universe is unbalanced, as there's far more life than resources. According to Thanos, the only possible solution is to cull half the population EVERYWHERE to restore the balance.

So believe it or not, Movie Thanos' motivation, odd as it may be, comes straight from the comic page! Kudos to the screenwriters for knowing their comic book history!

One last thing about Thanos' motivation here. I have a feeling that Marvel Studios originally planned on using the whole "In Love With Lady Death" plotline. 

Movie Thanos made his very first appearance in the post credit scene of 2012's The Avengers. At the end of the film, one of Thanos' acolytes reports to him, saying, "Humans! They are not the cowering wretches we were promised. They stand. They are unruly and therefore cannot be ruled. To challenge them is to court death." 

As those last two words are spoken, Thanos turns to the camera with a big ol' sh*t eating grin on his face.

Obviously the "To court death" line means "to tempt fate" here. But it could also be taken another way— Thanos literally wants to court Death. As in, trying to get busy with Lady Death.

That's why I'm convinced they were originally going with the Thanos + Death angle, but decided to change it later on.

• Thanos and Gamora teleport to the planet Vormir, to find the elusive Soul Stone that's hidden at the top of an enormous mountain. For some reason, Thanos materializes a good five or ten miles from the base of the mountain. He and Gamora then spend gods know how long (Hours? Days?) climbing to the summit.

Why the hell didn't Thanos just teleport to the top of the mountain and get it over with? 

This happens over and over in sci-fi and fantasy movies. Characters constantly materialize or land their spaceships miles away from where they want to go, and then trudge the rest of the distance on foot (I'm lookin' at you, Rogue One and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier).

• At the top of the mountain on Vormir, Thanos and Gamora are greeted by our old friend the Red Skull.

At the end of Captain America: The First Avenger, the Red Skull held the Tesseract in his bare hand. Unfortunately for him, its power was too much for him to handle and his body began to disintegrate. A portal then opened, and the energy of the Tessaract shot through it and into space.

We now see that Red Skull didn't die after all, but was teleported to Vormir, where he's became the Guardian of the Soul Stone. It's a nice little callback to a scene from one of the earlier Marvel movies.

The Red Skull was originally played by Hugo Weaving, but he chose not to reprise the role in Infinity War. In an interview with Collider, Weaving said: 

"I [signed a multi-picture deal] for Captain America. I think the tendency, with those films, would be to probably not bring a villain back. They might for The Avengers, but I didn’t think I’d be in Captain America 2 or 3. I don’t think Red Skull will be there. And it’s not something I would want to do again. I’m glad I did it. I did sign up for a number of pictures and I suppose, contractually, I would be obliged to, if they forced me to, but they wouldn’t want to force someone to do it, if they didn’t want to. I think I’ve done my dash with that sort of film. It was good to do it and try it out, but to be honest, it’s not the sort of film I seek out and really am excited by. As an actor, to do all sorts of different films is great. It stretches you in different ways. But, I increasingly like to go back to what I used to always do, which is to get involved with projects that I really have a personal affiliation with."

So there you go. Sounds like he's a serious ACT-ORE, and not a comic book fan.

So with Hugo Weaving out, the part was recast with actor Ross Marquand. He's probably best known for his role as Aaron on The Walking Dead. Marquand's an amazing vocal talent, and does some incredible impressions. Check him out on YouTube. I especially like his John C. Reilly and John Malkovich impressions, as there's not a lot of people who can mimic them.

• When Thanos returns to Titan, Iron Man, Doctor Strange, Spider-Man and the Guardians team up to temporarily immobilize him. While he's incapacitated, they attempt to pull the Gauntlet off his hand. They almost succeed, until Star-Lord ruins everything.

Here's an idea— instead of trying to pull the Gauntlet off, why not just sever Thanos' entire hand? During the New York battle at the beginning of the movie, Wong opened a portal and sent Cull Obsidian to the Arctic. When he tried to leap back through it, Wong slammed the portal shut, inadvertently slicing off Obsidian's arm in the process.

Why not recreate that little trick on Titan? Have Doctor Strange open a portal, shove Thanos' arm through it and then shut it. No more Gauntlet! The End!

Heck, why stop with his arm? Why not just shove Thanos' entire head through a portal and shut it?

Cruel? Sure. Extreme? Most assuredly. But we're talking about the fate of the entire universe here. It's not a time to be delicate!

• The last third of the film takes place primarily in Wakanda. I would bet just about anything that these scenes were filmed at the same time as Black Panther. It would make sense— the cast was already assembled, the costumes and sets were handy and they wouldn't have to call in all the actors again. Plus filming all the scenes at once would mean Danai Gurira wouldn't have to shave her head twice!

• As is par for the course these days, the Infinity War trailers feature several scenes that either aren't in the final movie, or appear in an altered form.

Like this scene, for example. The trailer shows the Hulk fighting alongside Cap and Black Panther's forces in Wakanda. Unfortunately this scene doesn't appear anywhere in the final film.

I'm guessing this scene was created specifically for the trailer, in order not to spoil the big reveal that Bruce Banner wears the Hulkbuster armor into battle.

OK, I guess I can understand wanting to avoid spoilers, and this is mild compared to the massive deception of the Rogue One trailers. Still, I have to say I am not a fan of this practice. Packing the trailer with scenes not in the movie feels like a very slippery slope to me. When does it end? 

Mark my words, the day's coming when we'll see a trailer that doesn't feature a single scene from the actual movie!

• Speaking of the Hulkbuster and trailers:

One of the Infinity War trailers features a scene of the Hulkbuster armor in Wakanda. The minute I saw that, I told my movie-going pal that Bruce Banner would be the one inside the armor, not Tony Stark. 

It just made sense— in Thor: Ragnarok, Banner was reluctant to transform, as last time he did he stayed in Hulk mode for three years. So putting him in the Hulkbuster armor would be the perfect way to allow him to join the battle without having to change. Plus it would be a cool reveal to the audience, who'd be expecting Tony Stark inside.

I also predicted that at some point Banner would be overrun by Thanos' minions. This would cause him to transform, and the Hulk would then explode out of the armor.

Well, looks like I was half right. Banner was indeed inside the Hulkbuster armor. But alas, he didn't burst out of it. 

Or did he?

Take a look at this Funko Pop Vinyl figure, one of the literally thousands that line the shelves of every retail establishment today. I dunno what anyone else thinks, but that looks like the Hulk bursting out of the Hulkbuster armor to me.

Due to lengthy manufacturing lead times, companies have to start designing and sculpting toys long before the movies they're based on are released. Sometimes a year or two early.

Based on the existence of this toy, I'm convinced that at one point in the script, Bruce Banner was supposed to Hulk out inside the armor and tear his way out of it. But for whatever reason, the producers changed their minds and the scene was dropped. Maybe they're saving that for Avengers 4.

• As I mentioned earlier, there are at least three dozen main characters in the film, and the Russos did an amazing job of giving them all something to do. That said, it's only natural that some of them would be featured more than others.

Like Captain America, for example. Poor ol' Cap definitely gets shorted in Infinity War. He's in surprisingly few scenes, has little dialogue, and we get no explanation for his new suit and why he's wearing it. Heck, I think Teen Groot had more of a story arc than Cap did!

Same goes for Black Widow. She doesn't get much to do either, and we never find out why she decided to become a blonde.

Hopefully the two of them will have a lot more to do in Avengers 4. They'd pretty much have to, since most of the other characters were dusted!

• My favorite scene in the entire movie: The heroes battle Thanos' alien horde on the plains of Wakanda. Suddenly several enormous mechanical wheels burst up out of the ground and roll toward Black Panther's army. Scarlet Witch, who's guarding Vision in a Wakandan tower, sees the troops are in danger. She then she flies into the fray and destroys the wheels with her powers.

An incredulous Okoye looks at her and says, "Why was she up there all this time?"

• In the final minutes of the film, Thanos grabs the Vision and yanks the Soul Stone out of his forehead. Vision's lifeless robotic body then turns a dull gray, as Thanos callously discards him.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think that might be an homage to the Vision story arc that ran through The West Coast Avengers back in 1989. The Vision, who'd fallen in love with Scarlet Witch, gets disassembled for reasons. Unfortunately when he's put back together, he's a soulless, emotionless android with absolutely no feelings toward her or anyone else. He then turns himself and his clothing stark white, saying, "If I am to be called The Vision, is it not logical to look the part?"

• Eventually Thanos collects all six Infinity Stones and snaps his fingers. True to his word, half of all life everywhere ceases to be, as the various Marvel heroes crumble into dust.

Note that we only see the main characters disappear. Would it have killed them to give us a crowd shot showing half the population of New York City disintegrating? Think of the impact it would have had to see regular, non superpowered people like Pepper Potts, Ned Leeds or even Peter Quill's Grandpa turn to dust.

• By the way, after the Snap, Bucky begins turning to dust. Note that his bionic arm disintegrates along with the rest of his body. In fact his metal arm is the first thing that crumbles away! But then his gun falls from his right hand unharmed. Does that seem right?

• Many fans have criticized the ending of the movie, saying all the heroes' deaths are meaningless, since they'll obviously all be undone in Avengers 4. 

Well OF COURSE everyone will (probably) come back! It's a comic book movie, for corn's sake. Coming back from the dead is pretty much an everyday event in such films. The question is, HOW will they all come back? That's the reason to watch the conclusion!

I have no idea how the Russos will wrap up the story, but I can make a few educated guesses. 

Obviously characters like Black Panther and Spider-Man be restored, as they both have sequels scheduled. Same goes for the Guardians as well— including Gamora. There's no way in hell James Gunn's gonna let ALL his characters be permanently killed off in someone else's movie! Especially when Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 begins shooting in a few months.

In fact I'm confident that everyone who was "dusted" after Thanos snapped his fingers will be back. Heck, I'm not even worried about the heroes that died before the snap. Gamora's likely residing inside the Soul Stone, and will be restored somehow. And it wouldn't surprise me if Loki figures out a way to come back as well. Especially since the women of the world all think he's dreamy.

The ones I'm really worried about are the six original Avengers. That's right, Iron Man, Cap, Black Widow, Hulk, Thor all survive the snap. Even though Hawkeye doesn't appear, his name is mentioned, so I'm convinced he'll show up in the Avengers 4.

That can't be an accident. I fully expect the original team to play a huge role in the next film, as they figure out a way to undo Thanos' actions.

And since most of the original Avengers actors' contracts are up and everyone's getting older, it would not surprise me a bit if some of them end up sacrificing themselves to save everyone. Robert Downey Jr's most likely on his way out as Iron Man. Chris Evans recently said he's enjoyed playing Cap immensely, but is ready to move on. Hawkey's probably outlived his usefulness to the franchise as well. I fully expect those three to bite the dust in the next film. Who knows, maybe all six of them will!

Also note that Nebula's one of the few characters to survive the snap. Keep your eye on her. If the next movie follows the graphic novel at all, she'll end up possessing the Gauntlet, and will use it to exact revenge on her dear old dad. And then of course the heroes will have to deal with a superpowered, insane Nebula!

• In the obligatory post-credits scene, Nick Fury and Agent Hill (who may be working for some form of S.H.I.E.L.D. again?) are among those who get "dusted." Before he disintegrates completely, Fury digs through the back seat of his SUV and pulls out an odd looking, honest to goodness pager. He activates it just before he says "Motherf*cker" and it drops to the street.

We then see a closeup of the pager, as it displays a white, star-shaped logo against a field of blue and red. I heard lots of confused murmuring in the theater at my showing, as most of the audience had no idea what this meant.

It's Captain Marvel's symbol. Apparently Fury called her for help in his final seconds. When she eventually appears, she'll be played by actress Brie Larson. 

So who the heck's Captain Marvel, you ask? That's a good question. It'd take at least another ten thousand words to adequately explain the character, as she has one of the most convoluted histories in Marvel Comics. Heck, she can't even seem to settle on a name. Over the years she's called herself Ms. Marvel, Binary, Warbird and finally Captain Marvel. There've been at least two previous Captain Marvels (or is that Captains Marvel?) in the comics as well.

In the comics she's a Human/Kree hybrid (the Kree being a blue skinned alien race) with a whole laundry list of superpowers. She has super strength, she can fly, has limited psychic powers and can shoot energy blasts from her hands. She's basically Superman.

I have no idea what Movie Captain Marvel will be like. Most likely they'll keep all her powers from the comics, but will simplify her origin drastically. 

We'll find out in March 2019, when the Captain Marvel movie premieres.

Oddly enough, her movie's supposedly set in the 1990s, which raises some questions. When she gets Fury's page and comes runnin' to fight Thanos, will she be in her fifties? Or does she age more slowly, so she'll still have her youthful appearance? Or does Fury's pager reach into the past, and Captain Marvel will time travel from the 90s to help? Your guess is as good as mine.

I gave the original The Avengers an A grade. Not just because it was a well-made movie that I thoroughly enjoyed, but because it was a milestone in film history— it marked the first time a studio set up its own shared universe and then teamed up its various characters in one big movie.

I graded Avengers: Age Of Ultron a much too generous B+, mostly because at the time I couldn't admit to myself that it wasn't as good as the first film, and nowhere near as much fun. If I had to do it over again, I'd give it a much more realistic B-, or possibly even a C+.

I'm having trouble deciding whether to give Avengers: Infinity War an A- or a B+. Although I enjoyed every single frame of it, even I have to admit it's far from perfect, as it has its share of plot holes and outright mistakes. So storywise I'd say it's a B+ or even a B. 

On the other hand, the sheer amount of effort and coordination that went into combining the various Marvel franchises into one massive movie has to count for something. The fact that it's the result of ten years of patience and hard work by Marvel Studios elevates it quite a bit as well.

Taking all that into consideration, I'm giving Avengers: Infinity War a rare, but well deserved A-.

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The Flash Season 4, Episode 21: Harry And The Harrisons

May 21, 2018, 5:59 pm
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This week on The Flash, the writing team pads out the season to the requisite twenty three episodes, as they spin their wheels for forty two minutes. Nothing's resolved, little's gained, and the characters end up pretty much exactly where were at the beginning of the episode.

This is frustrating, to say the least. There're only two episodes left in the season, so the writers should be using what little time's left to kick out the stops and ramp up the action, as they prepare for the big season finale. Oddly enough, just the opposite happens.

For example: At the end of last week's episode, Marlize finally made her move and left her husband Cliffored DeVoe, aka The Thinker. This episode should have been all about the ramifications of the big split. Sadly the DeVoe's are MIA, and don't even appear in the episode! What the hell?

Instead we get the return of Amunet Black, as she temporarily joins Team Flash before her sudden and inevitable betrayal. Normally I'm a sucker for a good "Villain Teams Up With The Heroes" storyline, but this one went absolutely nowhere and was tedious to boot. Katee Sackoff seemed to be having a blast camping it up as Amunet again though. Unfortunately that just made her appearance even more grating.

If that wasn't bad enough, we get another appearance from the Council Of Wells, or in this case, Harrisons. Tom Cavanagh's done a great job the past few years playing subtly different versions of the same character, each with subtle nuances and variations.

The same can't be said for these Council members though. They're all incredibly one note, and little more than caricatures. Just because Cavanagh can do funny accents doesn't mean they should be written into the script. Let him do 'em between takes to entertain the crew.

There's also a cringe-worthy subplot involving Barry and Iris, which gives us an uncomfortable look at the inner workings of their marriage. It seems Iris wants to write an article exposing the DeVoes and publish it on her blog or something. Barry's not sure that's a good idea, and tries to talk her out of it. 

I am far, far from being a feminist, but hell, even I was yelling for Iris to tell Barry to f*ck off here. Jesus Christ! Why the hell does she need his permission in the first place? Especially after he did everything but tell her to get back into the kitchen. Incredibly she eventually give in and lets him decide whether to publish the thing or not! What year is this?

SPOILERS, I GUESS.

The Plot:
Barry wakes up in the middle of the night and hears noises downstairs. He goes down to investigate and finds Iris up, writing an article exposing DeVoe and his Enlightenment. She feels the public needs to know about the supervillain plan, and what will happen to them if he pulls it off.

That morning at STAR Labs, Team Flash discusses how to destroy DeVoe's Enlightenment satellites. They can't simply fire a missile at the satellites, as DeVoe could use Kilg%re's powers to disable them. They decide a non-tech, organic weapon is the only answer.

Meanwhile, Harry's upset that his worsening brain condition prevents him from coming up with any solutions. Cisco suggests they contact the Council Of Wells (a trio of versions of Harrison Wells from across the multiverse) and see if they have any ideas on how to reverse Harry's condition.

They contact Herr Harrison Wolfgang Wells, the snooty German intellectual from Earth-12 who we first met back in When Harry Met Harry... Unfortunately Herr Wells refuses to help, saying the Council is for the most brilliant intellects in the multiverse and Harry no longer qualifies. Cisco says if the original Council of Wellseses won't help, maybe it's time to form a new one.

Caitlin comes up with a doozy of a solution to the DeVoe problem— contacting supervillain and former metahuman trafficker Amunet Black. She says Amunet's metallic alnico shards could destroy DeVoe's satellites, as they're immune to any of his powers. All they need to do is convince Amunet not to kill them long enough to help. Barry and the others are less than enthusiastic about this plan, but they don't have any other options.

Barry and Caitlin visit Amunet's hideout, where they're greeted by her henchman Norvok. He tells them he's the captain now, as Amunet disappeared and hasn't been heard from in months.

Back at STAR Labs, the team tries to locate Amunet. They find out her real name is Leslie Jocoy, and she was an airline stewardess who disappeared after the particle accelerator explosion. They discover a few of her old work addresses, and Joe and Caitlin leave to check them out.

Iris is anxious to publish her article, but for some reason Barry doesn't think it's such a good idea. He says Team Flash has always operated in secret before (well, sort of), and he isn't sure how the public will react. Iris says she'll finish the article and then ask the entire team what they think she should do. Barry reluctantly says OK.

Meanwhile, Cisco introduces Harry to the Council Of Harrisons, a new group of alternate versions Wellseses from the multiverse. They consist of the extremely French H.P. Wells of Earth-25, the very Brooklyn Sonny Wells of Earth-24 and H. Lothario Wells of Earth-4, who was kicked out of the original Council Of Wells. Harry's horrified by this motley collection, calling them a "Council Of Rejects."

Joe and Caitlin investigate a grocery where Leslie Jocoy used to work. Joe says he's surprised Caitlin would suggest working with a criminal like Amunet, and she sheepishly admits she had an ulterior motive. She says Amunet has some sort of tech that helped her "split" Killer Frost last year (whatever that means), and hopes to use it again to remedy her current condition.

Joe notices a couple slip through the back door of the store, and he and Caitlin follow. Inside they see Amunet's running an illegal poker parlor. Joe clears the room, much to Amunet's annoyance. She pulls out her bag of metal and powers up, firing a barrage of deadly shards at Joe & Caitlin. Fortunately Barry speeds in and catches the shards. Caitlin asks Amunet for her help.

They take Amunet back to STAR Labs, where she looks around and gets an eyeful of all their secret tech. She asks Barry why he's bothering to wear his mask, as she figured out who he was long ago. Hey, join the club, sister! And just like that, I'll be damned if Barry doesn't remove his mask once again! Why even bother with it at this point?

Team Flash fill her in on DeVoe and his plan. Amunet says she'd love to help, but she'd need a huge supply of alnico shards to take down five satellites. Unfortunately, her stash of metal was recently stolen from its hiding place.

Caitlin tells Amunet about Killer Frost's disappearance, and asks for her help. She says the transmodular genetic splicer was stolen along with her metal. Caitlin makes a deal with her— if Amunet can get Killer Frost to reemerge, she'll agree to perform one last job for her. Amunet agrees.

Meanwhile, Harry and Cisco meet with the Council Of Harrisons. Unfortunately they're absolutely no help, telling Harry he needs to put himself in DeVoe's shoes, as well as get in touch with his "feelings." Harry says they're all worthless and leaves.

Barry, Caitlin and Amunet arrive at an old boxcar, which served as her "storage locker." They find traces of hematoxic venom on the door, and Amunet realizes her henchmen Norvok is the culprit. Barry zips back to Norvok's HQ and instantly comes back, saying he's gone.

Back at STAR, Barry and Iris discuss her article again. She finally says she'll leave it up to him as to whether they should publish it or not. Caitlin badgers Iris, feeling she's not searching hard enough for Amunet's stash. Joe asks if Caitlin's upset about not finding the shards or the splicer. Caitlin finally admits to the others that she only called Amunet hoping she could help her get Killer Frost back. The others seem to take this bit of deception very well, and the whole thing's immediately dropped.

Harry apologizes to Cisco for blowing up earlier. Cisco says maybe the Council wasn't worthless after all, as they've seemingly taught Harry empathy. Harry says it's been a long time since he's considered anyone else's feelings, and says he's going to try and put himself in DeVoe's shoes.

Amunet sees Caitlin brooding, and tells her she doesn't need the splicer. She says it was only a placebo, and Caitlin resolved the Killer Frost problem all on her own (?). Just then Amunet says she's figured out where Norvok is. Barry, Joe, Caitlin and Amunet leave to intercept him. Team Flash warns Amunet not to kill Norvok.

Cut to a rail yard, where Norvok is selling a trunk full of alnico shards to an Asian mobster. Suddenly Barry and the others appear, and the thugs speed off. Barry and Amunet deal with Norvok, while Joe and Caitlin stop the thugs and recover the metal. Against orders, Amunet fires her shards at Norvok. Barry plucks them out of the air at superspeed.

Novok, who's power is he has a snake-like thing that emerges from his eye socket, sprays Barry with hematoxic venom. He collapses on the ground, writhing in pain. Fortunately he's able to vibrate at superspeed and phase the toxin out of his system.

Meanwhile, Amunet draws on the extra metal in the thugs' car, and uses it to form an impenetrable mask over Norvok's face. He begins suffocating, as the others warn her not to kill. She finally removes the mask, but uses a shard to slice the eye snake in two.

Amunet then says "ta ta" and prepares to sashay away. They ask about their deal, and naturally she admits she only used them to get her metal back. They remind her that if DeVoe successfully launches his satellites, she'll be lobotomized along with the rest of humanity. She says that's a good point, and forms a small grenade from her shards. She gives it to Caitlin, saying that should be enough to defeat DeVoe. She then forms a metallic tornado around herself and flies off.

Back at STAR Labs, Harry's excited to tell them all something. He says he put himself in DeVoe's shoes and figured out why he hasn't launched his Enlightenment satellites yet. It's because his wife is no longer around to share in his victory. Barry tells Iris to go ahead and publish her article.

That night Iris wakes Barry, and says her phone's going crazy with emails and texts. The public read her article, and is sending her hundreds of DeVoe sightings and other info, which will help them to bring him down.

Thoughts:
• I want a computer interface like the one they have at Star Labs! At one point Caitlin says she thinks Amunet was a flight attendant on a plane the night of the particle accelerator explosion. Iris says, "OK, that we can work with!"

Iris then taps the screen...

She taps a second time...

And then swipes down. Somehow these three little gestures generates a list of the thirty five flights that were in the air over Central City that night! Wow! She didn't even type a single word to find this bit of incredibly specific information! I could definitely use a search algorithm like that at work!

• Um... is Danielle Panabaker (aka Caitlin Snow) alright? All through this episode she does this weird thing where she talks out of the right side of her mouth. Sort of like a young, female Buddy Hackett.

Once you spot it, you can't not see it. I never noticed her doing this until this week's episode. Has she always had this odd facial tic, or am I just now noticing it? I wonder if she's even aware she's doing it?

I'm not making fun or joking, and am being completely serious here. I'm wondering if there might actually be something wrong with her. Like a neurological problem or something? Hopefully not, and it's just nerves.

• Once again, kudos to The Flash's design team, who seem to have great fun creating license photos, passports and other fake documents for the various characters.

• Joe and Caitlin search for Amunet, and find her running a secret poker den. As Joe steps into the room, he says, "Damn. Somebody saw Molly's Game," referencing the 2018 movie.

There weren't many people who saw it, Joe! That movie could only manage to rake in a pitiful $28 million. WORLDWIDE!

• When Joe and Caitlin first encounter Amunet, she speaks with an American accent, rather than her traditional "British" one. Caitlin asks, "What's with the accent?" Amunet replies, "It's part of my disguise. Had to blend in. Now I'm just your average American blonde making an honest living. Well, a more honest living, yeah?"

I'm betting this scene was a little nod to the fans who've commented on actress Katee Sackhoff's um, less than convincing English accent. It's pretty bad. In fact it gives Dick Van Dyke's atrocious Cockney accent in Mary Poppins a run for its money!

• This week Tom Cavanagh gets to indulge himself and play dress up again, as he appears as the Council Of Harrisons. Unfortunately it looks like he could only think of two new voices to do this time, as H. Lothario Wells is recycled from When Harry Met Harry...

H.P. Wells was a little too silly for me, but I did kind of like Sonny Wells (in small doses). By the way, at one point Sonny says, "What are you, stunods?" As you might have guessed, stunad is an Italian word that means "stupid."

• The Flash loves to use the names of comic book creators for its streets and buildings. This week the abandoned Reynolds substation is mentioned, along with intersections 5th and Knoll and Crescent and 10th.

I couldn't find anyone by those names who's ever worked on the comic. Sometimes a cigar's just a cigar, I guess.

• Barry's incredible variable plot specific speed strikes again! In this episode, Barry disarms Norvok's goons faster than the eye can even see. And yet somehow he's slow enough that Norvok's able to spray him with his hemotoxic venom. Weird.

• I'm with Amunet here— I just don't get Norvok's power. He has a snake-like appendage that can emerge from his eye socket and spray a cloud of venom. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It seems like it'd be a pretty limited range weapon, which would put him in danger of breathing in the toxin as well. Unless he's immune to it?

• The entire point of this filler episode was for Team Flash to get an alnico grenade from Amunet. That's it! There was nothing else of note that happened in the entire forty two minutes! In fact you could skip this ep when you binge-watch the series, and you wouldn't miss a goddamned thing. 

The whole grenade thing could have easily been a minor subplot in an episode that featured some actual consequences. But no... let's devote an entire forty two minutes to Amunet providing the minimum amount of help possible to Team Flash.

• Amunet's entire motivation for helping Team Flash was to get her precious stock of stolen alnico metal back. She eventually recovers it all, then forms it into a tornado that whisks her into the air and out of the episode.

Note that as this metallic tornado sails across the screen, hundreds of tiny shards of alcino fly off it and land on the ground. So... does she not care that this mode of travel costs her a good percentage of this irreplaceable metal? C'mon, writers! Is it valuable or not?

• This Week's Best Lines:
Barry: (discussing Amunet with Caitlin) "I mean, she kidnapped you. She tried to sell me into meta slavery."
Iris: "And she ruined my bachelorette party, I mean..."
Barry: "That's not..."
Iris: "I mean, you're right. It's it's admittedly not as big of a deal, but you know what I'm saying."

Sonny:'Ey! Oh, whoa, whoa! Who you calling rejects? 'Ey, look at this guy. What are you, stunods? Allow myself to introduce myself. Sonny Wells. Earth-24. At your service. They call me Sonny on account of my sunny disposition."
Cisco: "You know, I think that name kind of works for him."
Sonny:"'Ey, oh, the guy who must be Cisco! My motto, personally, for me, my motto? Be kind. Rewind."
Harry:"Be kind, rewind?"
Cisco: "They're still on VHS."

Sonny:"You see his scarf? I like that scarf. Gonna get myself one of them classy scarves like this guy. That's a $10 scarf right there."

Amunet: "So On the one hand, I am more dictator than team player. But on the other Professor DeVoe stupefying the planet would be bad for business. So I'll do it."

Barry:"Okay, Amunet, look, I know how you usually work, but I can handle this fast and without an casualties."
Amunet."'Tis a bit time-consuming to remove blood from metal."

Amunet: (to Norvok) "I've never understood your superpower. Are you a man with a snake or a snake with a man?"

Cisco: (discussing Norvok, while channeling Indiana Jones) "Eye snakes. Why did it have to be eye snakes?"

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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Lost In Translation

                     

                                              May 25, 2018, 7:50 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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                         As I'm sure you all know, fortune cookies aren't a thing in China, and are a wholly American invention. They were invented in 1918 by David Jung, a San Francisco baker. Today the majority of them seem to be manufactured in Chicago.

Despite the fact that they're made right here in the good ol' U.S. of A, something seems to be getting lost in translation. Check out these recent fortunes I found inside a couple of cookies:

Wha...? Wait a minute... "The Secret Of Happiness Is Not In Doing What One Likes, But In Liking What One Does?" That... that's the same thing! It's saying the same thing twice.

It reminds me of The Sphinx character from Mystery Men. He had all these circular logic sayings, like, "He Who Questions Training Only Trains Himself At Asking Questions," and "When You Can Balance A Tack Hammer On Your Head, You Will Head Off Your Foes With A Balanced Attack."

And then there's this one. I... I'm at a complete loss here. It's so obtuse I can't even come up with a snarky joke about it.

True story: About ten years ago I went on vacation in China. Before I left, a co-worker asked me to bring her back some "authentic" fortune cookies from China. I hesitated a few seconds, and then told her that they don't have them in China, since, as I said above, they're an American invention.

Naturally she didn't believe me, and accused me of just not wanting to bring her back a souvenir (which was true). I told her I could bring her something else, like a fan or Mao's Little Red Book, but she got all martyry and started saying, "No, forget it. I see now it's too much trouble. Never mind. I don't want anything."

This is why I try to talk to people as little as possible.

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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The Flash Season 4, Episode 22: Think Fast

                     

                                              May 25, 2018, 7:55 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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This week on The Flash, we get an episode of actual consequence, in which things happen and the plot is actually advanced. Overall Think Fast was much better than last week's wheel-spinning, time wasting exercise.

In fact last week's dreary Harry And The Harrisons only goes to prove that the season long story arc just plain doesn't work. Twenty three episodes is just way too long to drag out a single plotline, and inevitably leads to padding. Think how much better it would be if The Flash adopted Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s"story pod" concept, and had two or three shorter story arcs per season. With fewer episodes to fill, the pace would be faster, there'd be no stalling and far less boredom!

Anyway, back to this episode. So far this season isn't heading in quite the direction I expected, which I guess is a good thing. For example, I wasn't too awfully upset when Ralph "died," as I knew he'd eventually be resurrected somehow. Now I'm not so sure! There's only one episode left in the season, and he's still not back. I still believe he'll return, but I'm starting to get a bit worried!

In fact with just one episode left, I'm wondering how the hell they're going to wrap up all this season's numerous storylines. They need to stop the Enlightenment, defeat DeVoe, restore Harry's intelligence, bring back Ralph, bring back Killer Frost, and birth Joe and Cecile's kid. Whew! That's a lot of area to cover in just forty two minutes!

Harry's intelligence continues to deteriorate, to the point where he's a stumbling moron who can't stop tripping over every chair he sees. For some reason, this week the writer's chose to play his condition for laughs (!), which is shocking to say the least. Later on in the episode, Marlize is genuinely moved by Harry's tragic plight and pledges to help. 

So which is it writers? What am I supposed to be feeling about Harry losing his mind? Am I supposed to be laughing or crying? You can't have it both ways.

This week we also get the surprising revelation that Killer Frost has been a part of Caitlin since birth. That actually makes quite a bit of sense, and makes her sudden and uncharacteristic obsession with restoring her evil persona a bit more plausible.

Also in this episode, Cisco and Caitlin convince Barry to make them honorary speedsters by pulling them into Flashtime with him. Gosh, remember last season when there were way too many speedsters on this show? Wouldn't now be a great time to round up Wally, Jay and Jesse Quick to help defeat DeVoe, rather than trying to speed up poor Cisco and Caitlin?

Lastly, as far as I know we still haven't been given an explanation for the "This house is bitchin'" catchphrase uttered by an addled Barry in the season premiere. They've got one more chance to explain it!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin at The Castle— a super secret ARGUS facility that's currently housing Fallout, the last of the bus metas. Fallout's surrounded by tons of state-of-the-art, high tech security, in a desperate attempt to protect him from DeVoe. John Diggle, of Arrow fame, arrives to inspect The Castle. He's probed, scanned and interrogated until the guards are convinced he's legit.

The second he's inside, Diggle reveals (to no one's surprise) he's actually Clifford DeVoe, who was using Ralph's morphing powers to disguise himself. DeVoe then casually strolls through the complex, obliterating squads of guards with his many powers. He locates Fallout and smiles.

At Star Labs, the Gang's still trying to figure out a way to defeat DeVoe and prevent his Enlightenment, which will erase and reboot the minds of everyone on Earth. Harry stumbles in and trips over a series of chairs, as we see his IQ is steadily dropping. Because mental deterioration is funny, right? Iris tells Barry her blog post has gotten over 400,000 hits, and people from all over are posting DeVoe sightings. 

Meanwhile, we see Caitlin talking with Dr. Finkle— Barry and Iris' couples therapist. She tries to tell her about her alter ego Killer Frost without revealing she's really a metahuman, which of course makes Dr. Finkle think she's nuts. Finkle believes Caitlin's repressing something important. Unfortunately before she can get to the bottom of it, Caitlin gets a Team Flash alert and rushes off.

Back at STAR Labs, Iris' blog suddenly gets corrupted, presumably by DeVoe using Kilg%re's powers. This makes Barry suspicious, and he tries to contact Diggle at ARGUS. When there's no answer he just zips to Star City and brings back Diggle in person. Diggle's reluctant to talk about the top secret classified Castle, but relents when Barry says the fate of the world is at stake.

Diggle accesses The Castle and sees he "reported" there six hours ago. Team Flash realizes this means DeVoe impersonated him, and now has Fallout. Cisco says DeVoe's using Fallout's nuclear energy to power his satellites, and they only have twelve hours before the Enlightenment begins.

Barry wants to zoom in and stop DeVoe, but Cisco points out the building's impenetrable high tech security, including electrified floor panels that deliver 70,000 volts. Barry comes up with a doozy of a plan— instead of avoiding the plates, he'll slip into Flashtime and deliberately step on them. The resulting electrical surge will supercharge his speed, making him fast enough to follow DeVoe into his pocket dimension before the portal closes! Comic Book Science!

Cisco checks his readouts, and says DeVoe's also holding six ARGUS employees hostage, to keep Team Flash from trying to stop him. He tells Barry there's no way to rescue the hostages and capture DeVoe as well— even at superspeed.

Elsewhere, Cecile's due date is almost here, and Joe's nervously packing and repacking her bag. Cecile orders a pizza, and when the delivery man arrives, she not only reads his mind, but actually starts to become him. She even speaks and acts like him!

Back at STAR Labs, Iris searches for Marlize, hoping to incarcerate her "before she causes any trouble." As if she hasn't already? Anyway, Harry wanders in and suggests looking into Marlize's past for clues as to where she might be in the now. Iris is genuinely impressed by this brilliant idea. Wasn't she a reporter at one point? Checking a perp's known haunts seems like pretty standard procedure, but what do I know?

Cisco and Caitlin approach Barry with a solution to the hostage conundrum. All he has to do is take them into Flashtime with him, and they can capture/rescue everyone. Barry's reluctant to endanger them, but they convince him it's the only way. He tells them they'll need to practice moving at superspeed first, and begins training them.

Unfortunately the training doesn't go well. Barry speeds them up, but Cisco finds he can't generate a proper breach while he's in Flashtime. He begins to panic, which causes his legs to slow down (I guess?) and root to the spot. He then falls out of Flashtime back into normal speed. 

Joe brings Cecile to Caitlin, to find out what's wrong with her. After an exam, Caitlin says Cecile's pregnancy-induced telepathy is being supercharged by a surge of "relaxin," a hormone common in expectant mothers. The relaxin is expanding Cecile's powers, causing her to inhabit minds, not just read them. As confirmation, Cecile begins acting like Caitlin, fussing and cleaning the lab.

Caitlin gives Cecile an inhaler, which magically snaps her out of her mind control episode. Cecile tells Caitlin that when she inhabited her mind, she could tell she was "hiding something."

Iris finds an impressive amount of info on Marlize and tacks it on a board. Harry says that now that Marlize has left DeVoe, they should try to get her to help take him down. Iris, who was stabbed in the chest by Marlize a few episodes back, says that's not gonna happen and abruptly leaves.

Barry trains Cisco and Caitlin some more. This time Cisco's able to breach in Flashtime, but Caitlin's unable to use her cold gun. She falls out of the Speed Force and knocks herself out. While she's unconscious, she starts flashing back to her childhood, when she was hit by a car. Barry takes Caitlin to the med bay and when she wakes up she wants to resume training. Barry refuses, saying it's too dangerous and he doesn't want to get his friends killed. 

Harry follows Iris home and tries to convince her to find and turn Marlize. They do the old, "Someone Says Something Ordinary Which Triggers A Solution To A Problem" bit, and Iris says she knows where to find Marlize.

Back at STAR, Cisco confronts Barry and gives him a heartfelt speech on why he should continue to train him and Caitlin, despite the deadly peril. He tells Barry to stop feeling guilty for Ralph's "death," as they've all lost someone. Cisco says if they don't do this, the Enlightenment will happen and they'll all die virtual deaths anyway, so it doesn't matter. Barry's finally convinced to resume their training, although we never see it happen.

Iris returns to STAR Labs and says she knows where to find Marlize. Barry gives her a spare teleport disk, which I guess are just lying around the lab, and tells her to be careful.

At ARGUS, Fallout reaches critical mass and releases all his radiation. DeVoe shrinks the chamber, puts it in his pocket, opens a portal and steps through it. Barry, Cisco and Caitlin then breach into ARGUS. Barry speeds them up into Flashtime, and they begin rescuing the hostages, who are suspended in midair by DeVoe's powers. Cisco creates a small breach under each one, while Caitlin creates an ice platform below their feet for some reason. Barry then rushes toward the rapidly closing portal and leaps through it right before it closes. 

Barry exits the portal in downtown Central City (I guess?). DeVoe's there, and we see he's holding five tiny satellites in the palm of his hand. They fly upward, and he uses Dwarfstar's power to expand them to normal size. Barry runs up the side of a building and leaps into the air at superspeed. He tosses the alnico grenade (which they got from Amunet Black last week) at the nearest satellite. It hits it, and the satellite explodes into a million pieces. Hooray, the Earth is saved!

Barry zips back down to the ground, where DeVoe doesn't seem all that concerned about his defeat. In fact he stands there monologuing, explaining how much better the world will be when the Enlightenment erases everyone's minds, and everyone will finally be at peace. Amazingly Barry stands there listening, instead of zipping him into the Star Labs Secret Super Jail at top speed. DeVoe then opens a portal and escapes. 

Back at The Castle, Caitlin feels it's the best time to tell Cisco she thinks she's repressing memories. He vibes her to the past, and she sees herself riding a bike and being hit by a car. Her younger self looks in her bike mirror, and sees herself as Killer Frost. Back in the present, Caitlin realizes the particle accelerator explosion had nothing to do with her transformation, and Killer Frost has always been inside her. 

Iris and Harry teleport to England— specifically the first apartment Marlize and DeVoe ever shared. As they snoop around, Marlize appears with her samurai sword, ready to attack. Harry tries to convince her to join them, but fumbles his words as his intelligence continues to fade. She realizes this is what'll happen to everyone in the world if the Enlightenment happens. Marlize then stands down, and Iris asks for her help.

Barry, Cisco and Caitlin return to STAR Labs. Barry's puzzled as to why DeVoe didn't seem to care that one of his satellites was destroyed. Suddenly their computers begin going haywire and turning purple. They realize DeVoe's using Kilg%re's power to take control of STAR Labs' own satellite, to replace the one Barry destroyed.

DeVoe then enters the Star Labs Time Vault, where he's greeted by Gideon. He orders her to initiate the Enlightenment Protocol. Barry runs to the Time Vault, but the door's locked and he can't vibe through. Cisco asks what they're going to do, and a terrified Barry says he doesn't know.

Thoughts: 
• The episode opens with DeVoe infiltrating "The Castle"— a high tech, heavily fortified, super secret ARGUS facility where Fallout's being held. DeVoe easily gains access to the building, then wipes out squad after squad of guards in an amazing (for TV) scene of glorious superpowered violence.

As always, it's fun to try and figure out which of DeVoe's many powers he's using during the battle. Here're all the ones I saw:

At The Castle security gate, DeVoe uses Elongated Man's morphing ability to look like John Diggle.

A guard then approaches and asks for a password, which DeVoe easily provides. He's using Brainstorm's powers here, to pluck the password from the guard's mind. Clever!

A second guard then asks for a DNA scan. DeVoe uses Melting Point's powers to fool the scanner. Based on what we saw of Melting Point, DeVoe would have needed to come in contact with Diggle at some point, in order to mimic his DNA. When exactly that might have happened, I have no idea.

DeVoe then uses Null's gravity manipulating powers to incapacitate the guards by increasing the weight of their lungs, causing them all to pass out.

Finally he enters The Castle, and shrinks a guard with Dwarfstar's powers and squashes him under his foot.

A squad of guards then open fire on him, pretty much at point blank range. Since DeVoe is inhabiting Elongated Man's elastic body, the bullets can't harm him. Once he collects enough of them, he flexes his torso and send the bullets flying back at the guards!

DeVoe then fires a blast of white energy down the corridor, which sends the guards flying. I think this is supposed to be one of The Fiddler's sonic shockwaves, as it's accompanied by a high pitched whine. I'm not sure though, as most of the time her power is depicted as a series of concentric circles. I guess it's possible her power has more than one form.

One of the guards gets a bit too close to DeVoe, so he uses Null's power again to lift him off the floor.

And then something really bizarre happens. While DeVoe has the guard suspended in the air, he uses The Fiddler's power to amplify the terrified man's scream (as seen by the concentric rings). He then sends his victim's visible scream (!) down the corridor, where it topples another guard!

That's gotta be one of the oddest and most convoluted uses of a power ever, and I admit I had to watch this part of the scene about twenty times to figure out what actually happened.

Several guards then approach DeVoe and begin tasing him with their cattle prods. Once again, I'm assuming Elongated Man's indestructible body protects him from harm here. He then uses Kilg%re's powers to reverse the polarity of the prods, causing them to shock the guards into unconsciousness.

Another guard runs at DeVoe with a grenade in hand. He uses Null's power to force the guard to the floor. The grenade goes off, blowing DeVoe right through the wall!

Several guards follow him through the hole in the wall. After a beat, another Fiddler shock wave blasts them right back out.

He then uses Null's power again to levitate another guard.

Several guards open fire on him, and once again he uses Null's power, this time to weigh the bullets down and cause them to drop to the floor. He sure gets a lot of use out of her power!

He then uses Black Bison's power, which we don't see very often, to reanimate the dead guards. In effect they become zombies (well, sort of) and start attacking the living guards! I gotta admit, that's pretty darned cool.

My favorite part of the corridor fight? A lone guard sneaks up behind DeVoe and opens fire. DeVoe uses the Folded Man's power to open a dimensional portal in the bullet's path, which swallows it up. He then opens a second portal beside the guard (it's the white splotch on the wall, just above DeVoe's shoulder), and his own bullet emerges and kills him!

DeVoe then holds up a single marble and tosses it over his shoulder. He uses Jinx's bad luck powers, which causes the guard to slip on the marble and break his neck.

Lastly he enters the chamber where Fallout's being held, and uses Kilg%re's power to take control of the computers. Whew! All that in a little under three minutes!

• By the way, this is the third time this season that Ralph's morphing ability has been used to mimic a black man. I'll accept the fact that his power can alter his facial features, but how the hell does it change the color of his skin? It he like a cuttlefish?

• If you look closely at the sign on the left, it looks like ARGUS' super secret black ops site is disguising itself as the Wellbiss Paper Products company. Smart! Who'd ever think to look for a classified facility inside an unassuming industrial building?

Unfortunately this cunning subterfuge is somewhat foiled by the fact that there's a squad of armed soldiers guarding the front gate, which is something you'd not likely see at a paper company. Even worse, these guards all wearing large "ARGUS" patches on their shoulders! Whoops!

• OK, so DeVoe easily takes control of The Castle. So what? It ain't like it's the only ARGUS facility out there. What the hell is the rest of the organization doing during the twelve hours it takes DeVoe to power up his battery? Surely when The Castle "went dark" they'd have become suspicious, and sent out a squad to investigate?

• As of this episode, a whopping SIX members of Team Flash are now seeing Dr. Finkel. Barry and Iris are in couples therapy with her, and at one point they brought Ralph to her for hypnosis. Joe and Caitlin started seeing her as well, after the whole "pregnancy induced telepathy" thing started. And now this week Caitlin's discussing Killer Frost with her.

At this point Finkel might as well just specialize her practice and advertise herself as "The Superhero Therapist!"

• During their therapy session, Caitlin and Dr. Finkel have the following conversation: 

Dr. Finkel:"Tell me about your dad." 
Caitlin:"My dad? He was the best. Loving, supportive, always pushed me to get smarter."
Dr. Finkel: "And how did you feel when he passed?"
Caitlin: "He had ALS. He was always hiding his symptoms from us. He never wanted us to see him suffer."

Hmm. Interesting. Back in the Season 2 episode The Reverse Flash Returns, Caitlin said her died suffered from MS (multiple sclerosis). Her mother, Dr. Carla Tannhauser, tried to save him, but he eventually died of the disease.

Admittedly ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis) and MS are similar conditions, but a doctor like Caitlin would never confuse the two. So which disease did Caitlin's dad have, writers?

• Team Flash tries to figure out where DeVoe will launch his satellites. Barry zooms past Ferris Airfield, while Iris says, "OK, we've got eyes on Cape Canaveral, Space X, and the Xichang Space Center." Barry then returns to STAR Labs and says, "And Blackhawk Island. That's every launch pad south of the 39th parallel."

In the Arrowverse, Ferris Air is an airfield located in Coast City. In the comics, it's an aerospace company where Hal Jordan, aka the Green Lantern, worked. It was owned by Carol Ferris, Jordan's fiancee. For reasons, Ferris became the supervillain Star Sapphire. 

Also in the comics, Blackhawk Island is the home base of the Blackhawks, a group of pilots and adventurers who operated in WWII. Note that there are also several real world locations called Blackhawk Island!

• Of course it's a running joke on the show that Diggle becomes nauseous and vomits anytime Barry "runs" him somewhere at superspeed.

• Cisco studies a readout of The Castle's extensive security, and spots several heat signatures. From this he comes to the conclusion that DeVoe has six hostages suspended in mid air above half a dozen corresponding electrified floor panels.

I'm having trouble understanding how he can glean that info from a flat, 2D schematic of the building. The floor plan can only show length and width, not height. How the heck does he know the hostages are floating above the tiles? Because they're not dead?

• Team Flash discuss what DeVoe wants with Fallout. Iris says, "He's using Borman's body as a battery." Diggle says, "Wait. A battery? Borman's containment cell is 10 feet tall." Barry replies, "And DeVoe has the power to shrink it down."

Wait a minute here... OK, I'll buy the fact that DeVoe can use Dwarfstar's power to shrink objects. But would a ten foot tall battery contain the same amount of energy when it's shrunk down to six inches? Wouldn't its power shrink as well?

By the way, eventually Fallout fully charges the containment cell. DeVoe then shrinks the highly radioactive cell and casually slips it in his pocket! I hope for his sake that chamber was good and shielded, or else Team Flash won't have to worry about The Thinker for much longer!

• Cecile's raging pregnancy hormones amplify her temporary psychic powers, causing her to inhabit the minds of those around her— including the pizza delivery guy. The second he shows up, Cecile starts speaking like a stoner, peppering her speech with "brahs" and "tubulars."

It's a fun little scene, and actress Danielle Nicolet camps it up like crazy. Who knew she could be so funny? Too bad she doesn't get to stretch her comedy muscles more on the show.

• Dang, pizza in Central City is pretty darned cheap. Only $8.50 (plus tip)!

• So why this sudden eleventh hour increase in Cecile's telepathic powers? I'm betting the writers are setting up this newfound ability so she can take down DeVoe in next week's season finale!

• At one point Joe and Cecile have the following conversation:

Joe: "Damn, where is this boy?"
Cecile: "You have already left Wally a dozen voice mails."
Joe: "He's literally on a time machine, so he has no excuse not to show up on time to meet his new baby sister."

Wow, another Wally reference! That's two in as many weeks! The Flash writers haven't completely forgotten about him after all! 

• Joe starts freaking out about Cecile's expanded powers, and takes her to STAR Labs. Caitlin examines her and theorizes that the relaxin hormone is "stretching" Cecile's telepathic abilities and causing them to intensify.

Once again, someone on the writing staff is either a former med student or has WebMD bookmarked. Turns out relaxin is a real thing! It's a hormone secreted during pregnancy, and causes the cervix to stretch and dilate, to make it easier to deliver the baby. Well done, guys!

• When Barry teaches Cisco and Caitlin how to move in Flashtime, he says, "Just remember, when you're moving this fast it's not about running with your legs. It's about staying calm, focused, centered. Otherwise you're gonna fall on your ass at Mach 3."

I think what he meant to say here is "Otherwise you will die." I don't see any way that falling on your ass at Mach 3 could be anything but fatal.

• By the way, Barry finds yet another application for his superspeed this week. Not only can he enter Flashtime and live out an hour of his life in the space of a microsecond, he can now speed up others as well. And he no longer has to be touching them to do so. This week he discovers he can rev them up into Flashtime and turn them loose!

This seems like a can of worms the writers really shouldn't be opening right now. Barry's already far too powerful, to the point where the show has to constantly come up with lame excuses as to why he can't wrap up every episode's conflict in a fraction of a second.

• When Iris is trying to figure out how to find Marlize, she actually makes a movie "connection board," complete with dozens of photos, newspaper clippings and arrows pointing to significant items. The only things missing are red strings connecting the various clues!

You'd think with the vast resources of STAR Labs at her disposal, she could do all this on a computer screen— and much more efficiently as well. But no, this 1960s method is fine too.

• Iris gets fed up with Harry's "help" and goes home to work. He then follows her to her apartment building. He starts knocks on the door, stops and chants "West-Allen" over and over and over. Unfortunately in his addled state, he's knocking on the wrong door.

As Harry's acting exactly like Sheldon Cooper here, I am one hundred percent sure this was a The Big Bang Theory reference!

• Welp, Caitlin doesn't restore Killer Frost in this episode, but she does have a flashback to her childhood. where we see she was apparently one of those creepy-ass kids from Village Of The Damned!

• This week we learn that Marlize's last name was Malan, and she was born in Cape Town, South Africa (where DeVoe is from as well). She also has a PhD in Inflationary Theory (?) and Engineering, and was a tenured professor at Oxford before she met DeVoe.

Nice to finally get some backstory on her— in the next to last episode!

• Marlize is ready to try and kill Iris again, until she notices Harry trying and failing to form a sentence. Then it's like somebody flipped a switch, as she instantly goes into Caring Mode and wants to help.

Is this why the writers came up with the whole "Dumbed Down Harry" plotline this season? So Marlize would take pity on him and decide to work with Team Flash?

• For months now I've been predicting that Marlize would eventually turn against her husband and help Team Flash take him down, and I was right! Unfortunately this development comes just one week after they teamed up with Amunet to battle DeVoe, which dilutes its impact quite a bit. 

We basically get the exact same "The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend" subplot two weeks in a row. And since Marlize will be back next week as well, that means we'll see the plot for a third consecutive week! Bad form, writers!

• Barry manages to blow up one of DeVoe's satellite's with Amunet's grenade, seemingly ending the Enlightenment. DeVoe then stands completely motionless in front of Barry, monologuing about his plan.

It's a lovely speech, and apparently Barry's so entranced by it that he completely forgets he has superspeed and could easily grab DeVoe and toss him in the STAR Labs Secret Super Jail in between blinks. These are the kinds of things that happen on a show when the main character is too damned powerful.

• DeVoe enters the secret Time Vault inside STAR Labs and initiates the Enlightenment. Once again we see the hidden door to the Vault looks noticeably different from the surrounding panels. As I said a week or two ago, it kind of defeats the purpose of a secret door when you make it stand out!

• This Week's Best Lines:
Barry: "I mean you've seen DeVoe in action."
Cisco:"Yeah, the guy's a one man Legion of Doom. So send the Super Friends."

Joe: "Okay, so I got snacks. I got clothes for you. I got clothes for the baby. Damn, I forgot something."
Cecile: Joe, we are not gonna need a katana at the hospital!"
Joe: "Okay, so you're in my head again and it's entirely possible that we get attacked by a samurai at the hospital. "

Cecile: "This is gonna be tew-tully siiiiiiick!"
Joe:"Sick? Are you feeling sick?"
Cecile: Nah, brah, nah. This delivery is gonna be siiiiiiick! Having this baby is gonna be like one EPIC wave! Ha hah ha!"
Joe: "You okay? You're scaring me."
(there's a knock at the door)
Cecile:"Far out! That's the 'za I ordered. 'Chovies and pineapple. Tubular!"
Delivery Man: "Tubular, brah! There's your 'za! That'll totally be $8.50."
Cecile: "Thanks, brah."
Delivery Man: "Hey, this house is..."
Joe: "Bitchin', yeah, everybody says that."
Delivery Man: No. Hard to find. Those are some gnarly bushes outside.!"
Cecile and Delivery Man: (together) "Hah ha hah hah!"
Cecile: "Let's crush some 'za, brah. Dude! Dude?"

DeVoe:"Once upon a time in some remote corner of that universe, there was a star upon which clever beasts invented knowing."
Barry: "You're quoting Nietzsche at me?"
DeVoe: You destroyed a satellite. Top marks, quick boy. You can destroy a thousand more and you will still march closer to the Enlightenment."
Barry: "I forget what Nietzsche said about wiping minds."

DeVoe: (explaining the Enlightenment) "A world enlightened. Within a day, all soldiers will lay down their arms. Every nuclear weapon will be disarmed within six months. Poverty, famine, disease eradicated. We will clean up the streets. People will put down their idiot phones and become curious again, and I will be there to teach them. I, not you, will save this godforsaken world."
Barry:"No, you'll just control it. You want to take away free will."
DeVoe: "A pittance for humanity to pay to know peace."
Barry: "But we wouldn't know each other. Parents wouldn't remember their kids. Husbands wouldn't remember their wives."
DeVoe:"Good. You hit upon precisely the point. Emotion is the father of all error. Chemicals in our brain that distract us, impede progress. And the most destructive and ridiculous imbalance of all is that thing you feebles call love. I learned this from experience, Mr. Allen. And soon you will too."

Iris: "Pessimism isn't smarter than optimism. In this life the bravest thing you can be is optimistic."
Marlize: "Familiar words."
Iris: "You said them when you were at Oxford. Two weeks before you met Clifford DeVoe."

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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The Walking Papers

                     

                                              May 30, 2018, 7:00 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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Bad news for fans of The Walking Dead!

This week AMC announced that Andrew Lincoln, aka Rick Grimes, will be leaving the long-running zombie series after Season 9.

Lincoln's contract was actually up at the end of Season 8, but he's agreed to come back for one more season in a "limited capacity." That's Hollywood Speak for "he'll only be in eight or nine episodes."

Obviously this means Rick will be killed off, as it's unlikely the show would send him off on walkabout and leave the door open for his return.

Sounds like a good place to end the show to me. The ratings have been on a steady downhill decline since the beginning of Season 7, when many viewers tuned out for good after the gruesome death of fan-favorite character Glenn Rhee. I'd much rather see the show go out on a high note, rather than sputter and lurch to a stop, as we all know it will after Lincoln leaves. Nine years is a pretty good run for any show.

As for myself, I lost interest in it halfway through Season 8, when showrunner Scott Gimple made the bone-headed decision to kill off the character or Carl Grimes. This was especially perplexing, since, if the show followed the comic, Carl was scheduled to become a major player and star in two or three vitally important storylines.

Killing him off was disappointing and made absolutely zero narrative sense, as it completely torpedoed the future of the show. In fact Gimple's asinine actions pissed me off so much I STILL haven't finished watching the last two episodes of Season 8! And I'm not sure I ever will.

So what next? Can The Walking Dead survive without its main character? AMC is sure doubling down on the answer being "yes." Supposedly they're grooming actor Norman Reedus, aka Daryl Dixon, to become the new series lead. They've even renegotiated his contract, offering him a cool $20 million to stay with the show! Yow! That ain't hay!

I dunno... Norman Reedus is many things, but a leading man he ain't. His Daryl character is sullen, grim and most of all, taciturn (that means he don't say much). He's a character who works best in small doses, as a sidekick to the hero. 

Promoting him to star status seems like yet another in a series of wrong moves. They'll have to fundamentally change everything about Daryl's character to make him and effective leader, and then he'll no longer be the Daryl we know and love. So what the hell's the point?

As I said, best to go out when they're sort of on top, instead of being yanked off the stage by the neck with a Bo-Peep staff.
                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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The Flash Season 4, Episode 23: We Are The Flash

                     

                                              May 30, 2018, 7:00 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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It's the Season 4 finale of The Flash! Hard to believe it's been four years already!

Overall I liked this season quite a bit, much more so than the previous dreary one (Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Savitar!). The series seemed much lighter this year, although it did start to go somewhat dark again right toward the end. In fact if I had one complaint about this season, it would be its uneveness of tone.

The series also wasted a bit too much time spinning its wheels toward the end, instead of wrapping up all the dangling plotlines and giving them adequate room to breathe. They needed to turn Marlize, defeat DeVoe, resurrect Ralph, cure Harry, deal with Cecile's pregnancy, restore Killer Frost and reveal the identity of Mystery Girl. Last week I said I wondered just how the hell they were going to handle all that in the space of only forty two minutes.

Welp, now we know how— they didn't. They left poor Caitlin/Killer Frost hanging, and even though we found out who Mystery Girl is, we don't know why she's stalking Team Flash. Those plot points will just have to keep until next season.

I definitely appreciated the fact that the producers changed things up this year and gave us a Big Bad who wasn't yet another speedster. Clifford DeVoe/The Thinker, actually had some pretty clever plans and was more than capable of hurting Barry. It's not every day you get a villain who puts his brain in another person's head, kills his old body and then frames the hero for murder!

DeVoe was also a real threat to Team Flash, as he created the twelve bus metas and then systematically absorbed all their powers. Toward the end of the season he was virtually unstoppable, as he had an entire menu of superpowers to choose from.

I liked the addition of Ralph Dibney, aka the Elongated Man this season, as he brought some much-needed humor and frivolity to the show. That said, I wasn't a fan of his constant learning cycle. Every week he'd screw up somehow, Barry would take him under his wing and he'd learn a valuable lesson about being a hero. And then the next week the writers would inexplicably reset him to square one so he could do it all over again. 

Learning to be heroic once was great. Twice was OK. Fifteen times was ridiculously unnecessary.

Speaking of Ralph, when he tragically "died" in Lose Yourself, I was 99.9% sure they'd bring him back at some point before the season finale. After all, this is a comic book show, and characters rarely if ever stay dead for long. Halfway through the episode he still wasn't restored, and I have to admit I was starting to think they might not bring him back after all. It eventually all worked out though, and my prediction was proven right.

One last thing about Ralph. He eventually defeats DeVoe— the greatest intellect on Earth— by completely clearing his mind. In effect he defeats The Thinker by not thinking. Ironic!

If nothing else, this season demonstrated that The Flash needs to ditch the season-long story arcs. In fact this year there were numerous episodes in which DeVoe, the season's signature villain, didn't appear at all. And there were some definite and obvious filler episodes there toward the end, which did nothing but pad out the season.

The Flash needs to take a page from Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., and give us two or three shorter, faster paced storylines, instead of dragging out one for twenty three episodes.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Captain Singh wanders into Jitters, to remind us he's still a character on the show. While standing in line he calls Barry to tell him he can have his old job back, thanks to Iris' amazing blog post on DeVoe. Suddenly the power goes out all over the city, as the sky turns an eerie purple. Cars stall as well, stranding citizens in the streets.

High above Earth, DeVoe's four remaining satellites begin linking up. They then connect to the hacked STAR Labs satellite as well, completing the circuit. The Enlightenment, which will erase and reboot the minds of everyone on Earth, has begun.

At STAR Labs, Cisco hurriedly tries to get the power back on. Suddenly a frantic Joe and Cecile enter the lab. Cecile's in labor, and they were on their way to the hospital when the power outage hit. Fortunately Cisco somehow restores the power, and Caitlin tells Cecile she can deliver the baby.

Just then Iris wanders in with Marlize, who's agreed to help take down her insane, megalomaniacal husband. Barry's reluctant to trust another villain so soon, but can't think of any other options. Marlize says she believes there's still good somewhere in her husband, so all they have to do is enter his mind and find it to defeat him. Sure, why not?

Marlize hooks up Barry into DeVoe's floating BarcaLounger. She then attaches a blinking prop to Cecile's forehead, which will amplify her pregnancy-induced telepathy. By combining Cecile's power with that of the chair, they should be able to send Barry's consciousness into DeVoe's mind. Comic Book Science!

Marlize activates the chair, and Barry finds himself inside DeVoe's head. It's a dreary, washed-out place lit solely by annoying lens flares. Barry sees the 405 bus— the one DeVoe used to create the twelve metas whose powers he stole. Suddenly DeVoe, in full Thinker mode, floats toward him in his chair. Barry speeds off before he sees him.

Marlize suggests Barry look for Good DeVoe at their house. Barry finds the place, but when he enters it's completely empty. In the real world, Cecile begins having contractions. Marlize says if Cecile has the baby, she'll lose her telepathic powers and Barry will be trapped inside DeVoe's head. Caitlin gives Cecile another inhaler, hoping that'll slow the contractions a bit.

While all this is going on, Cisco notices Harry's missing. He finds him in his lab, and by now his mental deterioration is so advanced he can't even talk. He points toward the Thinking Cap, but Cisco refuses to let him use it. Harry insists, and Cisco puts it on him and fires it up. It amplifies Harry's thoughts enough that he's able to haltingly say Barry will find Good DeVoe where he first fell in love with Marlize. The Cap then sputters and shuts off, leaving Harry helpless again.

Cisco relays Harry's message to Marlize, and she tells Barry to got to Boars Hill at Oxford. He zips there, and finds the site of the DeVoe's first picnic, but the place is deserted. Just then he sees a disoriented Ralph wandering around the site!

Ralph asks Barry what the hell he's doing there, and fears he's been absorbed as well. Barry explains he's just visiting DeVoe's mind, and they need to find the good version of him. Ralph says he hasn't seen any Good DeVoe running around, just an evil one who's keeping him alive for some reason. Right on cue, The Thinker floats down in his chair and attacks. Barry grabs Ralph and zooms away.

In STAR Labs, a terrified Cecile says DeVoe's coming for them. He suddenly teleports into the room, but Marlize generates a forcefield with the chair to stop him. She then transports all of Team Flash into DeVoe's pocket dimension. She says they'll be safe there for a few minutes. Why he can't simply follow them is never explained.

Barry and Ralph visit DeVoe's classroom at Oxford, hoping to locate his good version there. They find Good DeVoe, but unfortunately his heart's been ripped from his chest, leaving him stone cold "dead." Ralph tells Barry to go back to the real world and spend the time he has left with his family.

Barry gets an idea. He says Marlize told him that if Good DeVoe passes through the nexus inside his mind (?), he'll regain control of his body. Barry theorizes that if Ralph goes through the nexus, HE'LL be the one who regains control. DeVoe will then die, as he'll no longer have a body or anywhere to go. None of this makes the least bit of sense, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all night.

An alarm goes off in the pocket dimension, signalling that DeVoe's getting closer. Marlize somehow transports the whole lab and everyone in it to another dimension (???), keeping one step ahead of him. Cecile's contractions start up again.

Barry and Ralph see the nexus in the middle of downtown Central City, and begin heading for it. They're stopped by two copies of DeVoe. They try to fight the DeVoes, but are promptly knocked on their asses. 

Barry says there's no way to defeat DeVoe, as he can see what they're thinking and easily avoid their attacks. Ralph says the answer's obvious— just don't think! That way DeVoe won't have any idea what they're about to do. They try it, and amazingly it works. They knock out both the DeVoes.

Unfortunately, hundreds of DeVoes begin pouring out of the shadows and surrounding them.

In the pocket dimension, Harry begins chanting nonsense words, and Cisco realizes they're the same ones Barry said when he exited the Speed Force at the beginning of the season. It seems like this is supposed to mean something, but the subplot goes absolutely nowhere. 

Just then DeVoe arrives in the pocket dimension. He easily knocks them all out, except for Cecile. He slowly walks over to her gurney and begins choking her!

Back in DeVoe's mind, Barry finally remembers he's a speedster. He grabs Ralph and plows through the horde of DeVoes, knocking them all out of the way. They make it to the nexus and leap through.

Barry wakes up in the chair inside the pocket dimension. Suddenly DeVoe stops choking Cecile and collapses to the floor. He starts shrieking about his plan, and slaps a button on the back of his floating chair.

DeVoe then leans agains a wall and vibrates, as he morphs back into Ralph. With Ralph in control of his body once again, DeVoe's consciousness is gone. Well that was... anticlimactic!

Marlize rushes to a console and shuts down the Enlightenment satellites, which of course were only a second away from erasing everyone's minds. She then teleports them all back to STAR Labs. Cecile announces her water just broke, and Caitlin wheels her into the medbay.

Suddenly DeVoe's chair begins glowing with a purple light. A hologram of DeVoe appears and starts monologuing, saying he planned for this contingency. Marlize calmly walks to the back of the chair and pulls out the power supply, killing him once and for all (until he returns).

Unfortunately DeVoe had one last trick up his sleeve. Before he died, he apparently used Null's power to increase the mass (?) of the STAR Labs satellite. It's now streaking toward Earth, on a collision course with Central City. 

Barry, Cisco and Ralph spring into action to save everyone from the falling debris. They manage to do so, but there's one enormous chunk left. Barry begins building up speed, as Iris realizes he intends to use a sonic punch to destroy the satellite. Marlize says the punch will destroy the satellite, but asks what it'll do to Barry. Iris looks stricken.

Barry runs up the side of a building and leaps into the air. Just as his fist touches the hurtling satellite, time stops, reverses and then starts up again (???). Barry builds up his speed and leaps into the air again, but this time he's accompanied by another speedster. They both punch the satellite at the same time, disintegrating it.

A puzzled Barry returns to STAR Labs, where he finds out Cecile's just given birth.

Sometime later, Marlize gives Cisco a blinking prop that will restore Harry's brain. She then says goodbye to Team Flash, who apparently let her walk away scot-free. Um... isn't she technically a criminal? Oh well.

Cisco hooks up Marlize's device to the Thinking Cap and puts it on Harry's head. It flashes and hums, and his mind is magically restored. Well, sort of. He's no longer a drooling moron, but he's not a genius with seven PHDs either. He now has a normal, average intelligence. Cisco's mortified by this, but Harry says he's happy. He then announces he's going back to Earth-2 to see his daughter Jesse, and practically runs off the set like the sheriff's after him.

Cut to Joe & Cecile's house, where everyone gathers to welcome Baby Jenna. Even Wally shows up, taking a break from the Legends Of Tomorrow to see his new little sister. Barry and Iris discuss having a kid of their own.

Just then there's a knock at the door. It's the Mystery Girl, who's been popping up on the show all season. They all recognize her, and Iris notes she's wearing her jacket from Run, Iris, Run. Mystery Girl announces she's really Nora Allen, Barry and Iris' daughter from the future. Barry's eyes widen, as he realizes she's the speedster who helped him take down the satellite. Nora tells them she thinks she's made a huge mistake.

Thoughts:
• At the beginning of the episode, Captain Singh is in Jitters when the Enlightenment begins. He runs outside and sees an ominous purple glow in the sky.

I don't know if it was intentional or not, but the scenes of the purple-skied Central City were very reminiscent of the 1990 Flash. That series did its level best to ape both the Batman and Dick Tracy theatrical films, and was filled with dutch angles and sets lit with garish colored gels.

• Once DeVoe sets the Enlightenment in motion, he walks around the city admiring his handiwork. Um... how is HE immune from the Enlightenment? Shouldn't his brain get reset as well? I guess maybe he's using Brainstorm's powers to protect himself?

• This week Team Flash finally recruits Marlize and convinces her to help defeat DeVoe. She comes up with a ridiculous plan, and she and Barry have the following conversation:

Marlize:"If we can find the good left in Clifford and help it retake control of his mind, that good could overpower the bad."
Barry:"You think there actually is good left inside him?"
Marlize:"I know that this is hard to imagine, but there was a time when Clifford was nothing but good, when he truly wanted to help the world."

Was there really EVER any good in DeVoe? We saw him in his younger days in Therefore She Is, and even back then he still seemed like a colossal dick.

• Team Flash is understandably reluctant to work Marlize. Barry says, "Why don't we just call someone we trust? Kara, Oliver, Wally" Marlize replies, "You could bring a legion of your friends, but they would pose no challenge."

Was that a Legion Of Superheroes reference? 

• Marlize warns Team Flash that if Cecile has her baby, she'll lose her telepathic powers and Barry will be trapped inside DeVoe's mind forever. Caitlin delays Cecile's labor by giving her an inhaler. She says, "Okay, most inhalers contain the drug terbutaline, which can be used to slow down contractions."

Turns out terbutaline is a real thing. It's mostly used to treat asthma, but can also delay pre-term labor for up to forty eight hours.

Someone on The Flash's writing staff is either a doctor or really good at using WebMD.

• Right after Caitlin mentions the inhaler, Cecile grabs her arm and squeezes tight. Her voice then gets all deep and modulated as she looks Caitlin in the eye and says, "I found Thomas. He's been this way all the time." A confused Joe asks what the hell that was all about, and Caitlin says she doesn't know.

So who's Thomas? I'm assuming he must be Cailin's late dad, who either died of MS or ALS, depending on who you ask. Obviously this little plot snippet is related to the whole Killer Frost/repressed memories thing, and we'll have to wait until Season 5 for answers.

• I'm starting to wonder if JJ Abrams secretly directed this episode. Every scene set inside of DeVoe's mind contains multiple obnoxious lens flares, that distract from the action as they practically blank out the screen.

• While wandering around inside DeVoe's mind, Barry runs into Ralph. It's hard to tell, but this version is supposed to be the original "Schlubby Ralph," before he became Elongated Man.

Problem is he's barely what would be considered overweight these days, to the point where you might not realize he's supposed to be fat.

• Even though The Flash takes place in a ridiculous comic book world, its story elements generally have an internal logic to them. Not so in We Are The Flash. The episode is filled to the brim with dialogue and character actions that don't make a lick of sense:

— Marlize suggests sending Barry into DeVoe's head. When the others scoff at this outlandish notion, Marlize says, "His (Barry's) mind is the only one fast enough to survive the linking process without any harm."

Um... what about Cecile? She's part of the linking process as well, right? Based on the dialogue and what we see, it's HER power that makes the link possible in the first place. If Barry's the only one fast enough (?) to survive the process, why doesn't Cecile curl up and die?

And what the hell does being fast have to do with projecting your consciousness into another person's brain?

— Marlize says Cecile's telepathic powers will provide a one way link to DeVoe's mind, so he won't realize anyone's inside his head. Barry then confirms what she just said, saying, "So it's kind like a one-way brain radio." Note the constant emphasis on the link being one way, so DeVoe can't detect any intruders in his mind.

So what's the first thing that happens after Barry enter's DeVoe's head? He immediately senses him and comes after him in his floating chair!

— All season long, DeVoe's been systematically absorbing the powers of the twelve bus metas he created, in order to turn himself into an unstoppable supervillain. But for some reason, he never once tried to absorb Barry's numerous speed-based powers. Why not? Wouldn't he be even more formidable if he was a speedster?

I assumed the reason DeVoe didn't absorb Barry was so he could taunt him. He seemed to take great pleasure in constantly outsmarting him and systematically destroying Barry's life. Toying with him like a cat does a mouse.

Apparently that's not the reason. In this episode, DeVoe finally explains himself by saying, "Have you ever pondered why I never pursued the Flash? Never needed his speed or his mind? Anyone? His connection to the Speed Force. Access to all of time past, present, future. True knowledge. And now that you have placed him inside my mind, I'll have it all."

Wait, what? I've read paragraph twenty times, and it still doesn't make any sense. If you strip out all the flowery speech, DeVoe basically says he didn't steal Barry's powers because he wanted them.

— When Barry's wandering around inside DeVoe's mind, he's surprised when he encounters his old pal Ralph Dibney. Apparently Ralph's consciousness is still intact in the deep recesses of his brain, even though he's no longer in control of his own body. 

Quite rightly, Ralph can't figure out why DeVoe hasn't "killed" him yet. Barry explains by saying, "Why do you think he's keeping you alive? I couldn't figure it out, but think about it. If you get out, you take back control of this body, because it's yours. That's why he won't let you leave. Once you get out, DeVoe will cease to exist. All you have to do is make it through that portal, and you'll regain control."

Wha...? Again, not an ounce of sense. DeVoe is currently inhabiting Ralph's body, right? So as long as even a hint of Ralph is still alive in there, he poses a threat to DeVoe. Logically, DeVoe should have eliminated every trace of Ralph the minute he took over his body. I can't see any reason whatsoever for keeping him alive.

Also, from all this I get the impression that Ralph's mind is the only one that Devoe kept alive. If he'd kept Dominic Lanse, Becky Sharpe, Izzy Bowen and Co. alive in their minds, they should have been restored the second DeVoe vacated their bodies. Instead they all seem to be gone forever, indicating he "killed" them. Yet another reason why keeping Ralph's mind alive makes absolutely no sense.

— All through this season, Mystery Girl, aka Nora Allen, keeps showing up and deliberately interacting with members of Team Flash. In this episode her mission is seemingly made clear— she came back in time to save her dad, Barry Allen. 

See, Barry attempts to speed-punch the falling satellite to smithereens, and is destined to die in the attempt. Nora time travels and intervenes in this event, punching the satellite as well. This saves the city as well as her father.

All well and good. So what was the point of her interacting with the other members of the team? Why not just show up, save her dad and be done with it?

Also, at the end of the episode Nora visits the West home and says she thinks she made a big mistake. I assume she's talking about saving Barry here. Then why the hell did she do it then? Admittedly we don't have a lot of info on Nora just yet, so it's possible she may be talking about something else here.

• This week we find out that DeVoe's lair, which has been located in a pocket dimension all season, can be shunted to various other pocket dimensions. Wha...? So DeVoe (and in this case, Marlize) can actually teleport the entire room and its contents? Eh, why not? Silly as it is, it's the least ridiculous thing they've ever done on this show (I'm looking at you, episode in which Captain Cold froze a laser beam and then broke it in half!)

• Poor Joe! This is at least the second time a supervillain has almost forced him to shoot himself in the head with his own gun!

The first time it happened was in the Season 1 episode Grodd Lives. In that episode, Joe was wandering around in the sewers, encountered Grodd and pulled his gun on him. Grodd then used his telepathic powers to make Joe point the gun at his own head and almost pull the trigger, before finally releasing him.

• This week we get a variation of the show's "Run, Barry, Run" catchphrase. When DeVoe discovers Barry inside his mind, he says, "Run, Mr. Allen, Run" before attacking him.

Just out of curiosity (and because I have no life), I started a "Run, Barry, Run" counter, to keep track of how many times they say the phrase on The Flash. If my findings are correct, it's not nearly as often as I thought. I was sure they'd said it twenty five or thirty times by now. Nope! They've only said it seven! Eight, if you count the Mr. Allen thing as an instance. 

Here's the list of episodes in which a character says, "Run, Barry, Run:"

1. Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot
2. Season 1, Episode 17: Tricksters
3. Season 1, Episode 23: Fast Enough
4. Season 2, Episode 1: The Man Who Saved Central City
5. Season 2, Episode 18: Versus Zoom
6, 7. Season 3, Episode 21: Cause And Effect (said twice in the episode)
8. Season 4, Episode 23: We Are The Flash (sort of— DeVoe says, "Run, Mr. Allen, Run")

• Right before the big battle, DeVoe tells Barry, “There will be no defeating the Big Bad this year” Now that's some heavy duty metahumor! I gotta admit, the line made me laugh though.

• I still think that when Ralph "inflates" his fist and punches someone, it would just feel like getting hit in the head by a balloon.

The only way it could hurt is if he was enlarging his fist and somehow making it denser at the same time.




• Somebody on The Flash's writing staff reeeeally liked the Burly Brawl scene from the Matrix Reloaded. It was honestly shocking just how closely this episode aped that scene. DeVoe make hundreds of copies of himself to attack Barry and Ralph, exactly like Agent Smith did with Neo. And then to top it all off, Barry copies Neo by swinging Ralph in a circle and knocking all the DeVoes on their asses!

• As I expected, Ralph was restored in this episode, as he evicted DeVoe from his head and took control of his body again.

That's great for Ralph, but man, it sucks to be the other eleven bus metas. Even if DeVoe had kept their minds alive inside his, they'd have nowhere to go, as their bodies were apparently all destroyed. Brutal!

• Inside DeVoe's mind, Barry and Ralph make it to the nexus and leap through. Somehow this disrupts DeVoe, as Ralph begins regaining control of his own body. With only seconds left to spare, DeVoe crawls to his chair and slaps a lighted ring on the back. His consciousness is then obliterated as it's pushed out of Ralph's mind.

It's not quite clear whether DeVoe's quickly downloading his consciousness into the chair, or activating a backup copy of himself that's stored in it. Either way, it kind of reminds me of Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, as he places his katra in Dr. McCoy's head while saying, "Remember."

A few minutes later, Team Flash celebrates their victory against DeVoe and wander off. Suddenly the ring on the back of the chair begins glowing purple...

DeVoe then returns as a hologram, still determined to defeat Team Flash and rule the world. If nothing else, you gotta admire his persistence!

While he's busy monoluguing (again!), Marlize casually walks behind the chair and rips out the chair's power supply or hard drive or something, finally eliminating DeVoe once and for all.

Part of me wonders if he's really gone for good. We don't know exactly what it was that Marlize removed from the chair. What if it really is a hard drive, like I said? DeVoe could be backed up on it, waiting for the day when he can be downloaded into a quantum computer or a brand new body! 

And despite Marlize seemingly turning over a new leaf and promising to do only good from now on, there's no reason to believe she's telling the truth! What's to stop her from restoring her husband and coming back in a season or two?

• Cecile's in labor and has contractions for the majority of the episode. The instant DeVoe's defeated, she announces her water just broke. Wha...? Isn't that backwards?

Turns out it's not. Most women start having regular contractions before their water breaks, but in some cases, the water breaks first. And that's one to grow on!

• As one last big middle finger to Team Flash, right before he dies DeVoe uses Null's powers to increase the mass of the STAR Labs satellite, sending it hurtling toward Central City. According to a handy readout, the satellite will cause an extinction level event when it hits Earth!

Ehhhhh, I don't think so. An extinction level asteroid would have to be at least three miles wide, and likely larger. This satellite is only a fraction of that— probably the size of a small building. It's nowhere near large enough to wipe out all life on Earth when it hits.

The writers try to get around this by saying DeVoe "increased its mass a thousand fold." It's a valiant effort, but ultimately pretty weak. The satellite doesn't change size, so I guess that means DeVoe made it denser? Comic Book Science!

• In the third act, the STAR Labs satellite hurtles toward Central City. Barry zooms up the side of a building and leaps into the air, intending to speed punch it into oblivion.

However, right before his supercharged fist makes contact with the satellite, time stops and begins rewinding...


When it resumes its normal forward course, Barry flies toward the satellite again, but his time he's joined by a mysterious second speedster.

It's pretty obvious here that Barry was destined to die in this moment, as the blast from his punch would destroy him as well as the satellite. Heck, Marlize even says, "Given the satellite's mass and its escalating descent, what prevents it from destroying him?"

That's why he got a do-over, in the form of Mystery Girl, aka Nora Allen. As Barry's future daughter, she obviously inherited his love of screwing up the timeline, and decided to interfere and save his life.

At the end of the episode, Mystery Girl finally reveals her identity to her parents, and says she thinks she made "a big, big mistake." It's not clear if saving Barry was the mistake she's talking about here, or if she's messed with events we don't yet know about. 

One last thing about this scene. At Joe & Cecile's house, Barry and Iris discuss having a child of their own. Iris says she'd like to have one "someday," and "not anytime in the near future." Right on cue, Nora shows up and announces she's their daughter.

This pretty much confirms the fact that Iris is already pregnant, and just doesn't know it yet. Think about it. If Barry had died, then Nora would never be born. If she was never born, then she couldn't go back in time and save her dad. That means Iris had to have become pregnant before Barry was scheduled to die. Right?

• Sometimes this show's sense of morality puzzles me. Marlize helps Team Flash defeat her husband, and then gets to walk away with zero legal consequences. I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure she'd be considered an accomplice to everything DeVoe did all season long. Not to mention she tried to kill Iris a few episodes back.

Yes, deep down she seems like a good person, and she helped save the world. That doesn't change the fact that she broke dozens of laws beforehand though. 

• At the end of the episode, Marlize gives Cisco a gizmo that'll restore Harry's mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work quite as advertised. Instead of restoring Harry's original brilliant intellect, it gives him an average intelligence.

Harry seems fine with this, and then immediately announces he's leaving for Earth-2, and practically runs off the set! It's like the writers couldn't wait to get rid of him. 

The whole thing reminded me of the time Barry's dad was released from prison in the Season 2 episode, The Man Who Saved Central City. Barry threw his dad Henry a welcome home base at the West house. Ten seconds later, Henry announced he had to go for reasons, leaving the cast standing around with their mouths open.

Anyway, with Harry gone, the stage is now set for another version of Harrison Wells to appear next season. Please, please, please, don't let it be anyone from the two multiverse Councils!

• Wow, last week we got a mention of Wally, and this week he actually shows up! I guess the writers didn't forget about him after all.

Funny how he was only on Legends Of Tomorrow for half a season, but that was still more screen time than he had in Season Three of The Flash. His treatment on this show was downright criminal, so I'm glad he's found a home over on Legends.

• Writer Fakeout: Cecile gives birth to a baby girl, which she and Joe name Jenna. All season long, fans have been saying the Mystery Girl is most likely Jenni Ognats. In the comics, she was the time traveling granddaughter of Barry Allen. 

"Jenna" is pretty darned close to "Jenni," which indicated Joe & Cecile's baby would somehow develop speedster powers. Of course this turned out to be a total red herring on the part of those sneaky, sneaky writers.

• At the end of the episode, Mystery Girl shows up and finally reveals her true identity.

Mystery girl first showed up as a waitress at Barry & Iris' wedding back in Crisis On Earth-X Part 1, and ever since viewers have been trying to figure out just who she is. Most thought she was either Dawn Allen or Jenni Ognats, both of whom are characters from The Flash comic.

Dawn Allen is Barry and Iris' daughter, who for some reason lived in the 30th Century and was a member of the Legion Of Superheroes as a speedster. In the comic she actually had a twin brother named Don, who was also a speedster.

Jenni Ognats is the granddaughter of Barry and Iris, and also lives in the future, is a speedster and works with the Legion.

A few viewers even thought she'd turn out to be Joe & Cecile's daughter, who came back to the past for reasons. The writers did their best in recent episodes to make it look like that's where they were heading, but I never really believed she'd turn out to be their kin.

At the end of this episode we finally get an answer, as Mystery Girl announces she is indeed Barry and Iris' daughter! However she's not Dawn Allen, as most fans thought, but Nora. According to The Flash producer Todd Helbing, her name was changed in order to honor Barry's late mother. Makes sense, I guess. Plus the change really doesn't matter, since I'd bet less than ten percent of the viewing audience is even aware of Dawn Allen in the first place.

In the comics, neither Dawn or Don Allen did much in the way of time traveling, sticking mostly to the 30th Century. Instead it seems like they may be grafting Bart Allen's storyline onto Nora. In the comics, Bart Allen was Barry's grandson, and he traveled back in time to save him from dying a disaster. Just like Nora does in this episode!

By the way, Nora's wearing the same purple and white jacket that Iris wore when she was temporarily a speedster in Run, Iris, Run, which is a nice touch. 

That said, Iris seems puzzled as to where Nora got the jacket, as she says "it's one of a kind." So Iris is wearing custom-designed clothing now?

• At the beginning of the season in The Flash Reborn, the Gang rescues Barry from the Speed Force. Unfortunately his time there severely affected his mind, and he's not quite the person he was before he went in.

He speaks in nonsensical rhymes, saying things like "Stars melting like ice cream, dream, gleam" and "Stars so loud. Loud, cloud, proud!" Later on he enigmatically says, "We're gonna need more diapers (???)." He also shouts, "Nora shouldn't be here," implying he may be hallucinating his late mother. 

And then there's the writing. After he comes out of the Speed Force, he begins scrawling hundreds of geometric symbols on every available surface.

Cisco determines the symbols are a language, and is somehow able to translate them. Turns out the incredibly important and relevant message they say is "This house is bitchin'."

Obviously none of this made any sense, but I naturally assumed that over the course of the season we'd gradually discover what it all meant. I was confident the writers had something clever and amazing up their sleeves, and we'd all be wowed when we finally learned the truth.

Welp, they finally explained everything at the end of the final goddamned episode of the season. And the answer wasn't amazing, and it definitely wasn't clever.

As it turns out, everything Barry said and wrote in The Flash Reborn was simply referencing events in this episode. His nonsensical rhymes echoed Harry's brain-addled dialogue in this episode, and apparently that's all there was to it.

The "Nora shouldn't be here" line actually indicated Barry's time traveling daughter, and not his mother. The diapers comment was connected to Nora as well, as she gave Joe and Cecile's newborn baby a diaper bag.

And the mysterious writing? That was a Nora reference too. A few episodes back we saw she was filling a notebook with the same kind of symbols, which must be the written language of choice in the future.

That leaves the "This house is bitchin' line. Surely there's some awesome hidden meaning there, right? Wrong! It's just what Nora says the first time she ever enters her grandparents' house! That's it! Nothing more to it than that.

The whole thing reminds me of LOST, and how we all spent six seasons thinking the producers were going to explain everything and reveal an amazing and jaw-dropping connection between all the shows various mysteries. Instead they sheepishly admitted they had no more idea of what was going on than the audience did.

Feh!

• This Week's Best Lines:
Barry:"We need to find the good part of him so we can stop the bad from starting the Enlightenment. Have you seen him?"
Ralph: "A good DeVoe? No. Just the evil, floating chair variety."

Cisco: (wondering if Harry's mind has been restored) "Harry?"
Harry:"Don't worry. You have been and will always be my friend."
Cisco:"Khan...."
BOTH: (imitatingKhan) "Kill him."
Cisco:"Oh, my God."
Iris: "Star Wars."
(Barry shakes his head at her)

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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                                              June 8, 2018, 12:28 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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This week actor Keiynan Lonsdale announced he won't be returning as Kid Flash in Season 4 of Legends Of Tomorrow. 

Lonsdale took to social media to explain his decision, saying:
Yo! Soo as a lot of you have now read, I’m not returning next season as a series regular for The Flash or Legends. It’s definitely not a total goodbye or “see ya never” situation, cause Wally West will still be round when you need him the most! It’s just that it won’t be full time anymore.
I’ve changed a lot in the past year (as you’ve probably noticed lol), and for infinite reasons my perspective on life & what I want from it now is just completely different. Because of that, my heart told me it was the right time to continue my journey on an unknown path, and I’m so damn grateful to both shows for honoring & respecting that with me. 
I love Kid Flash, I love the family I’ve made, & I’m absolutely in love with the invaluable lessons I’ve learnt along the way. Thank you for believing in me & rooting for Wally to thrive, you honestly helped me see that I did indeed deserve to play him, & that shit right there made me a stronger actor.
Anyway, I hope you stick around for the new adventures, the only thing I can promise is Magic.
Well that definitely stinks! Over on The Flash the writers botched the character of Wally pretty much from his first appearance. Once he'd been introduced it's like they couldn't wait to turn him into Kid Flash, but then once they did they had absolutely no idea what the hell to do with him. In fact the way the writers immediately shoved him to the side made me wonder why they bothered to add him to the show in the first place. Wally wasn't just in Barry Allen's shadow, there wasn't a light shining on him at all.

Wally's move to Legends Of Tomorrow was the best thing that ever happened to the character. From the second he showed up he flourished in a way he was never allowed to on The Flash. It seemed like a good move for Lonsdale as well, as he appeared to be visibly enjoying himself on the show. Which makes this decision all the more puzzling.

I'll be sorry to see Wally go, but as he said, I guess it's not goodbye forever. Maybe Lonsdale will find himself or whatever he's doing and return to the Arrowverse soon.

In other Arrowverse news, Greg Berlanti, creator of such shows as Arrow, The Flash, Legends Of Tomorrow, Supergirl, Black Lightning and Riverdale (among many others), just signed a new contract with The CW. This new deal extends his contract to 2024, and will reportedly pay him a whopping $300 million.

(insert massive comical spit take here)

Cheesus H. Rice! $300 MILLION DOLLARS to keep pumping out those Arrowverse shows! Holy Crap! That's like baseball player money there! I guess somebody must be watching them besides me!

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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It Came From The Cineplex: Deadpool 2

                     

                                              June 23, 2018, 5:41 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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Yeah, I know, this review's late. I have a good excuse this time though, as I've been out of town on a much-needed vacation.

Deadpool 2 was written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick and Ryan Reynolds. It was directed by David Leitch.

Reese and Wernick previously wrote Zombieland, G.I. Joe: Retaliation and Life, as well as the original Deadpool. Now THAT'S an uneven resume! This is Reynold's very first writing credit.

Leitch is primarily a stuntman and stunt coordinator, who's moved into directing. He previously directed John Wick and Atomic Blonde.

Full disclosure: I've never been a big Deadpool fan. He debuted shortly around the time I stopped buying comics, so I never formed any emotional attachment to the character.

That said, I enjoyed the first Deadpool movie quite a bit. It had an irreverent and subversive tone that poked fun at both comic books and superhero movies. It's outrageous, hard-R humor was also funny as hell.

Unfortunately all that got flushed down the crapper here in Deadpool 2. Virtually everything that worked in the first film misfires here in the sequel. Gone is the snarky tone that worked so well in Deadpool, replaced instead with an odd and bizarre sentimentality. This sappy, emotionally earnest tone felt cheap and manipulative, and was completely out of character for Deadpool.

Instead of being a sarcastic, anarchic asshole who cares only about himself, Deadpool suddenly risks everything to become a surrogate father to a troubled mutant teen named Russell. 

Well, sort of. The movie can't quite decide whether Deadpool's a hero or a jerk. One minute he defends Russell to the death, and the next he literally wants nothing to do with him. What the hell? Did anyone proofread this script before they filmed it?

At the beginning of the movie Deadpool even brags that this is a "family film." Amazingly, he's not wrong. When I saw the film, at least half the audience consisted of parents and their ten year old kids! And why not? There's very little objectionable content in Deadpool 2. There's plenty of violence of course, but it's all pretty cartoonish, and there's , none of the perverted sex that permeated the first film. Might as well bring the kids!

I appreciate the fact that they didn't just rehash the original and attempted to do something different in the sequel. Unfortunately this new direction was a mistake in my opinion.

Sadly, Deadpool's neutering means this installment's nowhere near as funny as the first. I laughed quite a bit during the first film, but few of Deadpool 2's jokes managed to stick their landing, thudding to the ground like bricks.

But hey, we finally got a live-action version of Cable, along with a lady who looks and acts absolutely nothing like Domino, so that's something, right?

I'm blaming this radical shift in tone on the fact that original Deadpool director Tim Story didn't return for the sequel. Supposedly Story left over a rift with star Ryan Reynolds. Story wanted actor Kyle Chandler (of Friday Night Lights fame) to play Cable in the sequel, a choice that Reynolds strongly disagreed with.

Story also wanted to make the sequel "a stylized action film," which would have cost at least three times what the original did. Reynolds and writers Reese and Wernick wanted to keep the size and scope similar to the first movie. Since Fox was bankrolling the picture, they sided with Team Reynolds, and Tim Story was either booted off the project or quit in disgust. 

Too bad. The movie definitely needed more of his touch.

The audience at my screening definitely enjoyed it though. They roared with uncontrollable laughter at virtually every syllable uttered by Deadpool, which made it tough to hear the dialogue. I honestly spent most of the film wondering just what they hell they were laughing at, as I thought it was nowhere near as funny as the first movie.

They even stood up and cheered while pumping their fists in the air during the mid-credit scenes! What the hell? What am I missing here?

So far Deadpool 2's grossed an impressive $693 million worldwide ($300 million of that in the States). Impressive, but still far below the original film's $783 million worldwide gross. At this point it seems unlikely it'll match or surpass the original.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
The movie opens as Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool (played again by Ryan Reynolds) lies down on several drums of high-test fuel in his apartment. He lights a cigarette, takes a puff and flicks the butt into one of the drums. The resulting explosion blows him into several large, singed pieces. The End. That was quick!

No, wait. We have a mandatory flashback, in which we see Deadpool's been traveling the globe for the past two years, easily wiping out hundreds of criminals and underworld kingpins. 

Unfortunately his winning streak ends when he attacks the HQ of Sergei Valishnikov, a New York druglord. Valishnikov's goons chase after Deadpool, and he barely escapes with the help of his cab driving friend Dopinder. 

Deadpool returns to his apartment, just in time to celebrate his anniversary with his girlfriend Vanessa Carlysle (played by Monica Baccarin). He gives her a skeeball token from their first date (PLOT POINT ALERT!), and she tells him she's ready to start a family. Deadpool's elated at the prospect of starting a family, which is completely out of character, but whatever. 

Right on cue, Valishnikov and his men burst into the apartment. Caught without his trademark weapons, Deadpool improvises an assortment of kitchen implements to kill the goons. He then goes after Valishnikov, throwing a cream cheese spreader at him.

Unfortunately the spreader misses its target, and Valishnikov fires his gun. The bullet flies through the apartment in slow motion, hitting Vanessa in the shoulder. Despite this seemingly non-life-threatening injury, she falls to the ground like a sack of wet cement and promptly dies in Deadpool's arms.

Valishnikov gulps as he realizes he's in trouble, and beats it out of the apartment. He jumps in his car, takes off and promptly crashes into a van. An enraged Deadpool follows him into the street and yanks him out of the car. He holds onto Valishnikov as he steps in the path of a speeding truck, which obliterates them both.

Thanks to his regenerative powers, Deadpool recovers. He then spirals into depression, fingering the skeeball token as he blames himself for Vanessa's death. He visits his former roommate Blind Al (played by Leslie Uggams), who tells him life's hard and he needs to man up. He then inhales several pounds of cocaine (our hero, ladies and gents!), goes back to his apartment, lays on the fuel drums and blows himself up, bringing us back to the present.

Deadpool wakes up in the afterlife (I guess?), where he sees Vanessa relaxing in their apartment. He tries to go to her, but is stopped by an invisible barrier. She tells him "his heart's not in the right place yet," whatever the hell that means. He's then violently yanked back into the real world, as we see Colossus gather the pieces of Deadpool's body and drag them back to the X-Men's Mansion.

Deadpool regenerates and recovers in the mansion. He sees former student Negasonic Teenage Warhead (played by Brianna Hidebrand), who's now a full-fledged X-Man. She's accompanied by her girlfriend Yukio (played by Shioli Kutsuna), whose sunny disposition is a stark contrast to the sullen and moody Negasonic.

Colossus encourages Deadpool to join the X-Men, to give him something to do. He isn't interested at first, but when the team's called out on a mission, he decides to tag along for some reason.

Cut to sometime in the future, where a cyborg soldier named Cable (played by Josh Brolin) stares out at the post apocalyptic wasteland. He surveys the wreckage of his house, staring meaningfully at the incinerated bodies of a woman and a young girl. He picks up a bloody teddy bear and attaches it to his belt. He then slaps a blinking disk on his shoulder and travels back in time.

In the present, Colossus, Negasonic and Deadpool land the X-Jet at an orphanage run by the Essex Corporation, which houses young mutant runaways. As they arrive, they see a fourteen year old boy named Russell Collins (played by Julian Dennison) surrounded by hundreds of police and orphanage staff, including the Headmaster (played by Eddie Marsan). Russell, who calls himself Firefist (no, really), has the power to shoot flames from his hands, and warns everyone to stay away from him.

Colossus and Negasonic try to capture Russell, but he threatens to blast them. Deadpool manages to approach Russell, and notices he's been physically abused. When he asks if the Headmaster hurts him, Russell says he'd rather be sent to the "Icebox" rather than stay at the orphanage. This infuriates Deadpool, which again seems out of character.

Just then a creepy orderly grabs Russell and tries to drag him back inside. Deadpool shoots the orderly in the head, much to the horror of the X-Men and everyone else. Russell begins blasting the crowd with flames, but both he and Deadpool are overpowered by guards and fitted with power-dampening collars.

Deadpool and Russell are taken to the Icebox, an isolated, high tech prison which houses the country's worst mutant criminals. Apparently there's no juvie wing, as the adolescent Russell's tossed into a cell with the adult Deadpool. That just ain't right!

Russell wants to stick with Deadpool, saying they're a team. Unfortunately for him, Deadpool suddenly wants nothing to do with him, which is the exactly the opposite of how he acted just a couple of scenes ago (?). They're approached by a mutant named Black Tom Cassidy, who, despite his name, is a white man. Russell tries to fight Cassidy, but both he and Deadpool get their asses severely beaten. 

Cut to two rednecks (played by Alan Tudyk and an unrecognizable Matt Damon) sitting in the bed of a pickup truck. Cable materializes behind them and asks what year it is. They're naturally confused by his question, so he stuns them and steals their truck.

Back in the Icebox, the battered and bruised Deadpool is slowly dying. With the dampening collar suppressing his regenerative powers, his mutant cancer begins spreading and killing him. Just then the prison rumbles and shakes, and Russell asks what's happening. Deadpool says it's the "monster" housed in the basement of the Icebox (FORESHADOWING ALERT!), though just how he knows that is anyone's guess.

Just then Cable infiltrates the prison, killing dozens of guards and inmates alike as they attack him. Deadpool and Russell manage to escape their cell right before Cable obliterates it with his futuristic gun. He then chases them through the prison.

Deadpool assumes Cable's a hitman who's after him, and tells Russell to get as far away from his as possible (Hero Deadpool Mode here). Suddenly they're cornered, and Deadpool's gobsmacked when Cable growls, "Hello, Russell." Gasp! He's not looking for Deadpool at all!

Deadpool and Cable engage in an epic battle, as Russell looks on. Deadpool's collar is damaged in the brawl, and he instantly yanks it off. With the collar gone his powers return, and he takes on Cable with renewed strength. 

Unfortunately even with his powers, Deadpool's no match for the much stronger Cable. He gives Deadpool a massive beat down, punching him so hard the skeeball token flies out of his jumpsuit. For no good reason, Cable picks it up as "something to remember him by" and pockets it (ANOTHER FORESHADOWING ALERT!)

Cable asks why Deadpool why he's protecting Russell. He says he's not, as he couldn't possibly care less about him (Asshole Deadpool Mode). Russell overhears this and runs away. Just then Deadpool grabs one of Cable's explosive devices and detonates it. They're both blown through a wall and fall down the side of an icy mountain. 

Deapool lands in a frozen lake, breaks through the ice and sinks. He finds himself in the afterlife again, but still can't reach Vanessa. She tells him "kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be." He's pulled back into the real world again and crawls out of the water and onto the ice.

Cut to Deadpool drinking heavily at Sister Margaret's School For Wayward Girls, the mercenary dive bar he frequents. He realizes Vanessa was trying to tell him to save Russell. Unfortunately it won't be easy. His pal Weasel (played once again by the incredibly unfunny TJ Miller), somehow know the mutants are being transferred from the Icebox to an even MORE secure prison, eighty miles away. Deadpool realizes he'll need help to rescue Russell, and says they need to form a super team.

Meanwhile in the Icebox, Black Tom starts a prison riot. In the confusion, Russell sneaks into the basement cell, where he befriends the "monster" that's kept there.

Deadpool and Weasel hold auditions for their new team. They end up hiring Bedlam, a mutant who can manipulate electrical fields, Zeitgeist, who can vomit deadly acid, Shatterstar, an alien from the planet Mojoworld, Vanisher, a silent invisible man who may not actually exist and Peter, an ordinary guy with no powers whatsoever, who tried out because it "looked like fun." Peter's hiring pisses off the similarly un-powered Dopinder, who wants to become a superhero.

Lastly they interview Domino (played by Zazie Beetz), a mutant with the power of luck, who looks and acts nothing whatsoever like her comic book counterpart. Deadpool argues that luck isn't a power, but hires her anyway because it's in the script.

Deadpool dubs his new team "X-Force." Their plan is to parachute from a plane, land on the armored prison convoy, break into one of the trucks and rescue Russell. 

The team jumps out of the plane and opens their chutes. Unfortunately high winds in the area blow them off course. Deadpool gets stuck on a billboard and watches in horror as Bedlam crashes into a speeding truck, Shatterstar lands on top of a helicopter's spinning blades and Vanisher (played for a split second by Brad Pitt) gets tangled in high tension wires and electrocuted. 

Peter gets the hang of his chute and successfully lands. Unfortunately Zeitgeist falls into a wood chipper and vomits acid all over Peter, killing him instantly.

The only other X-Force member who survives is Domino, whose luck power causes her to land safely in the middle of a busy intersection. She then easily infiltrates the lead truck in the armored convoy and radios Deadpool that she's in. Deadpool steals a scooter and follows closely behind.

Suddenly Cable appears and leaps onto the convoy, searching the portable cells for Russell. Domino lets her luck steer while she has a shootout with Cable in the back of the truck. Deadpool leaps into the truck as well, and there's yet another big setpiece battle that goes on for way too long. 

In the confusion, Russell picks the lock to his cell and escapes. He enters the truck containing the "monster" from the prison and opens his cell. A massive figure steps out and punches though the floor of the truck, generating a shockwave that collapses an overpass and sends the vehicle flying.

Deadpool crawls from the wreckage and looks for Russell. He finds him standing next to the massive figure, who turns out to be Juggernaut. Deadpool gushes to him, but Juggernaut's not impressed. He grabs Deadpool, rips his body in half and tosses the pieces away. Russell says he no longer needs Deadpool, and he and Juggernaut head for the orphanage.

Domino arrives and carries Deadpool's top half back to his apartment. Once there, he hangs out with Blind Al, waiting for the lower half of his body to grow back. For some reason, Weasel, Dopinder and Domino show up at the apartment, and are all suitably horrified by Deadpool's tiny baby legs.

Just then Cable pops in as well, blaming Deadpool for unleashing Juggernaut. He says he can't take down the massive mutant alone, and as much as it pains him to admit it, he needs help.

Deadpool asks why Cable's trying to kill a fourteen year old boy. Cable finally decides to explain the film's plot: very soon, Russell will kill for the first time. He'll then decides he likes it and become a ruthless killing machine. At some point in the future, Russell will murder Cable's family. That's why he's come back in time— to eliminate Russell before any of that happens. So he's basically the Terminator.

Cable says his "time slider" has just two charges— one to get him to the past, and one to take him back to his own time once Russell's dead (ANOTHER FORESHADOWING ALERT!).

Deadpool says deep down he knows Russell's not evil, and asks for the chance to save him. For some reason, Cable throws away his motivation and says, sure, why not. Deadpool returns to the X-Mansion and begs Colossus for help. He refuses, neatly setting up a third act change of heart and triumphant entrance scene.

Russell and Juggernaut arrive at the orphanage, intending on killing the Headmaster. Just then Deadpool, Cable, Domino and Dopinder arrive and swagger toward the camera. For no reason other than lazy writing, Domino announces she used to live in the orphanage as well (?). Dopinder gets a good look at the enormous Juggernaut and decides to wait in his cab.

Juggernaut approaches, and Deadpool and the others attack. Unfortunately they're no match for the behemoth, and he easily mops the floor with them. Meanwhile, Russell— now in Firefist mode— goes after the Headmaster, burning the building as he goes.

As predicted, Colossus, Negasonic and Yukio arrive in the X-Jet at the perfect moment. Colossus attacks Juggernaut, but is severely beaten. Yukio binds Juggernaut's legs with an electrified chain (I guess?), immobilizing him. Colossus recovers long enough to jam a live electrical wire up Juggernaut's ass. Negasonic then blasts him into a pool, electrocuting him. 

Russell corners the Headmaster and is ready to deal the killing blow. Deadpool catches up to Russell and says killing his tormentor won't make him feel better. He apologizes and says he never should have left him in the Icebox. Russell says he overheard Deadpool saying he didn't care about him, and doesn't believe anything he says. He says he can never trust anyone again, and unleashes the full power of his blast on Deadpool. His costume is singed ash gray, causing all the comic book geeks in the audience to nudge one another and point at the screen.

Deadpool takes a power-dampening collar out of his belt (where the hell'd he get that?) and puts it on. He says if Russell's going to kill anyone today, then it'll have to be him. Russell begins powering up, as his hands glow bright red. Cable realizes Russell's a lost cause, pulls out his gun and shoots him.

At the last second, Deadpool leaps in front of Russell and takes the bullet for him. He collapses on the ground and begins dying. Russell's horrified by what his actions have caused, and has an immediate change of heart. He cradles Deadpool in his arms and tells him he's sorry. 

Cable looks down at the teddy bear attached to his belt, and marvels (heh) as the blood on it disappears. He realizes this means Russell's no longer a killer, and his wife and child are still alive in the future.

Deadpool's happy that he's finally going to die, and says goodbye to the entire cast in another scene that goes on way too long. He finally dies, and slips into the other realm again. This time he's able to reach Vanessa and they make out for a while. Suddenly she stops and says he can't stay, as it's not yet his time.

In the real world, Cable looks at his time slider disc. He twists the dial and slaps it, sliding back to the point where they first arrived at the orphanage. He pats Deadpool on the chest, seemingly for no good reason. 

Cut to the moment when Deadpool leaps in front of the bullet meant for Russell. He lands on the ground, but this time he doesn't die. He reaches under a strap and pulls out the skeeball token. He realized Cable went back in time and planted it there, knowing that's where Deadpool would take the bullet. Fortunately even though Deadpool doesn't die this time, Russell still has his change of heart.

Deadpool asks why Cable used his last time charge to save him. He says now that his family's safe in the future, he's gonna stick around a while to make sure humanity doesn't turn the Earth into a post apocalyptic wasteland. Groan! Now THAT'S bad writing!

Suddenly the Headmaster runs out of the orphanage, yelling about mutants and hell and whatnot. Dopinder then plows into him with his cab, killing him instantly. I guess that's the end of that subplot! Deadpool announces he's finally found a family. Groan!

In a mid-credit scene, Negasonic and Yukio recharge Cable's time travel disk and give it to Deadpool for some reason. He uses it to return to the moment of Vanessa's death. This time he's able to kill Valishnikov and save Vanessa's life! He then saves Peter from being killed as well.

He then travels back to 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where he kills the terrible, abortive version of Deadpool in that movie (who was also played by Ryan Reynolds). Cut to Ryan Reynold's apartment in 2011, as he reads the script for Green Lantern. Deadpool appears and shoots him in the head.

Thoughts: 
• Deadpool 2 is a prime example of what I like to call a "Barnacle Movie." What the hell's that, you ask? Welp, it's when a film franchise begins accumulating characters the way barnacles build up on the hull of a ship.

Deadpool introduced the titular character of course, along with Weasel, Vanessa, Blind Al, Colossus, Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Dopinder the cab driver. That's seven characters (not counting the villains), which is a lot for any movie to handle. 

Deadpool 2 brings back EVERY single one of these characters, plus it adds SIX more: Cable, Russell, Domino, Peter, Yukio and Juggernaut (I'm not counting the other members of X-Force, since they were only onscreen a few seconds). Hell, they even brought back Buck, the biker barfly at Sister Margaret's School For Wayward Girls! They'd have probably included Ajax and Angel Dust too if they hadn't been killed in the first movie.

That makes a whopping THIRTEEN characters the script needs to deal with! And when Deadpool 3 rolls around, I guarantee every one of these thirteen will be back, plus at least four or five more.

That's way, WAY too many speaking parts. Yeah, I get that the audience expects to see their favorite characters come back for each movie and all that. But at some point you've got to start scraping the barnacles off the ship, before it sinks under its own weight.

• One of the things I liked about the original film was its fidelity to the source material. Movie Deadpool spoke, acted, and best of all looked exactly like his comic book counterpart. His origin story and powers were even the same as in the comic (more or less).

Supposedly star Ryan Reynolds fought tooth and nail for this faithfulness to the comic, especially after the terrible and shameful version of Deadpool that appeared in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Hats off to Reynolds for caring so much and demanding the character be done right.

Unfortunately, all that devotion to accuracy was flushed right down the sh*tter in Deadpool 2. Cable comes closest to matching the source material, but he's still quite different from the comic version. Domino and Firefist are the worst of the lot, and have absolutely nothing in common with their comic book inspirations save their names (more on each of these characters below).

So what the hell happened? Why'd the franchise suddenly stop giving a flying fark for authenticity? Did Ryan Reynolds work so hard bringing an accurate Deapool to the screen that he was too worn out to care any more? Did the director think the new characters were so obscure that it wouldn't matter if they resembled the source or not? Was it a case of studio interference? Who knows. Whatever the reason, it's a shame the quest for fidelity took a sudden back seat in this film.

• Brad Pitt, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson, Kurt Russell, Bruce Willis, Alec Baldwin, Sylverster Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ron Perlman, Pierce Brosnan (!), Stephen Lang and David Harbour (of Stranger Things fame) were all in the running for the role of Cable.

I have a feeling most of those names were never seriously considered, as many of them seem way too old for the part and would likely demand too much money. In fact I disagree with pretty much everyone on that list except for Stephen Lang and David Harbour. Either one of them would have made a fine Cable.

Ultimately the filmmakers cast Josh Brolin in the part. He makes a pretty good cable, as he has the look, the attitude and the gravelly voice.

There's just one major problem— Brolin's wayyyyy too small for the role. In fact he's actually a little shorter than Deadpool, which becomes painfully obvious any time they share the screen.

Props to Brolin for trying though, as he hired a personal trainer and got absolutely shredded for the part. Unfortunately no amount of weight lifting's gonna add inches to anyone's height.

Obviously the producers were never going to find a perfect live action match for the character, as Comic Book Cable's usually depicted as being seven feet tall and nearly that wide. But c'mon, guys! You already had to CGI Cable's glowing eye and bionic arm in every one of his scenes. Would it have been that much more work to digitally enlarge him by ten or fifteen percent, so he was at least slightly taller than Deadpool? The least you could have done was have him stand on a box!

The writers chose to deal with this issue by having Deadpool make a couple of jokes about Cable's slight frame during the film. Feh!

• One last thing about Cable before I mercifully move on. The character has one of the most convoluted and complicated backstories in all of comic-dom. Cable's real name is Nathan Summers, and he's the son of Cyclops (of the X-Men) and Madelyne Pryor (a clone of X-Men member Jean Grey). Baby Nate was captured by the evil villain Apocalypse and infected with the "techno-virus," whatever that is. 

A woman from the future named Mother Askani then appeared and offered to cure Baby Nate. Cyclops reluctantly agreed, and she took Nate two thousand years into the future, where she taught him how to keep the techno-virus at bay. Mother Askani later revealed she was actually Nate's time-displaced half sister Rachael (yeah, I know).

Rachael then pulled the minds of Cyclops and Jean Grey (NOT Madelyne Pryor) into the future, where they trained Nate in how to use his mutant abilities. When he reached adulthood, he decided to come back to the present day for some reason, where he became the leader of X-Force.

Note that this is an extremely truncated version of Cable's origin story. I could easily write another ten thousand words on the subject.

As soon as it was announced Cable would be in Deadpool 2, I told my movie going pal there was no way in hell they'd be able to include his comic book origin in the movie, and the filmmakers would have to drastically alter his backstory. 

Sure enough, I was right. Movie Cable has a very simplified history. Basically he's a cybernetic soldier who lives in a post apocalyptic future, and travels back in time to prevent his wife and daughter from being killed. That's it! That's all we ever find out about him. We never learn who he is or how he got his cybernetic implants and bionic limbs. We get no explanation as to what happened to his world, and no idea where he got his advanced weaponry and time travel technology.

It's like the filmmakers knew they couldn't shoehorn ALL of Cable's elaborate origin into the movie, so they solved the problem by not including ANY of it. 

• Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lizzy Caplan, Kerry Washington, Sienna Miller, Ruby Rose, Mackenzie Davis, Kelly Rohrbach, Eve Hewson, Sofia Boutella, Stephanie Sigman, Sylvia Hoeks, and Janelle Monáe were all considered for the part of Domino. Ultimately the role went to Zazie Beetz, who ever the hell that is.

OK, that was mean. Actually, Zazie Beetz is the beloved star of such highly popular films as James White, Applesauce, Wolves, Finding Her, Sollers Point, Dead Pigs and 2017's megahit Geostorm (cue falling slide whistle sound effect).

If the filmmakers went out of their way to give us a comic-accurate Deadpool, then they completely dropped the ball when it came to Domino. As you can see for yourself in the above image, this version has absolutely NOTHING to do with her comic book counterpart, and is different in nearly every measurable sense. The only thing Movie Domino has in common with her inspiration is her name and power.

In the comics, Domino was part of a government project to breed the perfect living weapon. Her mother broke her out of the lab, and hid her in a church in Chicago. Domino later left the church and became a mercenary, as one does. 

She eventually met Cable and formed an intimate relationship with him (!). When Cable became the leader of X-Force, she joined the team as well.

Comic Book Domino is a skilled marksman and athlete, and has extensive training in armed combat, martial arts and explosives. Most notably she has the ability to affect the laws of probability in her favor. In other words, she's incredibly lucky.

On the flip side, Movie Domino shares the name and the luck power with her comic version, and that's pretty much it. 

Most egregious of all, Comic Domino is an albino. In fact she's about as albino as a person can be, as her skin is bright paper white. She has a distinctive black patch of skin around her left eye, which inspired her nickname.

Movie Domino is NOT an albino, and is in fact black. Instead of switching things up and giving her a white patch around her eye, she has a faintly flesh colored one, that's barely lighter than her surrounding skin. This makes it easy to miss in 90% of her scenes. 

Look, I get it. It's 2018, we're all "woke" and representation is in high gear. So it's inevitable they were going to include at least one black woman in this film. That's great, and I don't have a problem with it in theory. But why in the name of Stan Lee's toupee did they pick a goddamned ALBINO character to race swap? Now do you maybe see the problem with Beetz's casting? Jesus wept!

In addition to completely hosing her look, they also eliminated her mercenary background and weaponry skills. And they completely ignored the fact that Comic Domino was a longtime ally and sometime girlfriend of Cable, who absolutely hated Deadpool.

If you're going to fundamentally change everything about a character— her look, her race, her costume, her motivation and overall personality— then why the hell even bother? Why didn't they just create a brand new character who conformed to their parameters? They could have easily came up with a character named "Lady Luck." The general public wouldn't known known the difference, and they'd have been able to get their representation into the movie without giving me a stroke.

• Naturally the internet is wild about Zazie Beetz, and fans are demanding she get her own Domino movie. Really? I must be taking my crazy pills again, because I thought her performance was flat and underwhelming. She barely had any screen presence at all. There's no way in hell she'd be able to carry her own movie.

• Poor Rusty doesn't fare much better in Deadpool 2. In the comics, Russell Collins was a tall, lanky sailor in the Navy. He met up with a prostitute while on shore leave, and unfortunately his mutant fire powers activated for the first time when he kissed her. Fearing he'd killed her, he went AWOL but was eventually captured by military police.

The mutant team known as X-Factor then sprung Rusty from jail, and made him part of the team.

Obviously none of that happens in the film. Movie Rusty is a much younger doughy teen who's from New Zealand for some reason.

• So they half-assed Cable by torpedoing his entire backstory, and totally botched both Domino and Firefist. But oddly enough, the producers managed to give us a reasonable live-action facsimile of extreme 90s icon Shatterstar, of all characters. 

Naturally they devoted all their time and energy to getting his look just right, since he has all of ninety seconds of screen time.

• Stuntwoman Joi Harris was killed in a motorcycle accident during the filming of Deadpool 2, which stopped production for two days. Hope it was worth it, producers!

• I have many questions about the mechanics of Deadpool's regenerative powers. They seem to function based on the needs of the script, rather than operating by any sort of logic (no surprise there).

At the beginning of the film, Deadpool attempts suicide by literally blowing himself to pieces. Afterward, it appears that Colossus gathers the chunks of Deadpool's body, throws 'em in a trash bag and drags it to the X-Mansion.

So what happened then? Did Deadpool's arms and legs wiggle over to his torso and reassemble themselves? Or did his head sprout a brand new body, like a giant planarian? Based on events of the first film in which he regrew a hand, I'd say it was most likely the latter.

Another question: Late in the second act, Juggernaut grabs Deadpool and tears him in half. Deadpool then has Domino tote him back home, where he regrows a new lower body.

So what happened to his original lower half? Did it grow a new top? Are there now two Deadpools running around? Or can only the half with the head regenerate?

By the way, I'm betting that Deadpool getting torn in half is a reference to the 2013 Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk comic book miniseries. In that story, Hulk rips Wolverine's body in two, and tosses the lower half on top of a mountain or something. Wolverine then has to crawl to the top, grab his bottom and reattach it with his healing power. Just like real life!

• Best Moment (and joke) In The Film: Deadpool complains to Colossus that he never sees anyone other than him and Negasonic Teenage Warhead inside the vast X-Mansion. As he says this, we catch a brief glimpse of the entire X-Men team behind him, as Beast discreetly closes the door (as seen in the blurry bootleg screencap above). HAW!

That really was the current X-Men lineup in that little cameo, including Cyclops (Tye Sheridan), Storm (Alexandra Shipp), Nightcrawler (Kodi Smit-McPhee), Beast (Nicholas Holt), Quicksilver (Evan Peters) and Professor X (James McAvoy).

When I first saw this shot I was impressed that they'd gathered the entire cast together for a five second scene. Alas, that wasn't the case. Supposedly the cast the cameo during filming of the upcoming X-Men: Dark Phoenix movie. Pretty cool!

• Speaking of cameos, my second favorite joke in the entire film was the scene in which the Vanisher parachutes into some high tension wires. As he's electrocuted, we (very) briefly see he's played by Brad Pitt!

• One last cameo, before I stop talking about 'em. Stan Lee makes his obligatory appearance in Deadpool 2, as he does in every Marvel Studios, Fox and Sony movie.

Well, sort of... As Not Domino parachutes through the city, she floats past a building emblazoned with a large mural of Stan's smiling mug. Hey, at least he's in there somewhere!

I have a feeling this is how they'll probably handle his cameos when the sad but inevitable day comes that Stan shuffles off this mortal coil.

• Believe it or not, the X-Force team and most of its members have their roots in the comics. The X-Force comic debuted in 1991, and concerned a team of mutants led by Cable.

Bedlam (played by Terry Crews) first appeared in X-Factor #1, and like his movie counterpart, had the power to generate electromagnetic fields.

Shatterstar (played by Lewis Tan) first appeared in The New Mutants #99. He's an extradimensional alien from the planet Mojoworld, and had superhuman strength, speed and agility. He could also open portals or something. And he was from the future, sent back in time to prevent the downfall of his planet or some such. Amazingly, Movie Shatterstar is pretty darned close to the comic version.

Zeitgeist (played by Bill Skarsgard) debuted in X-Force #116. He had the ability to spew highly acidic bile, that could burn through almost anything, just like the film version. He was killed on one of his first missions, also like his movie counterpart.

There was a Vanisher in Marvel Comics, but he wasn't a member of X-Force. Instead he was a supervillain, who first appeared way back in 1963's The X-Men #2. He wasn't an invisible man though, as he had the ability to teleport himself and anything he was carrying.

As you might expect, Peter has no comic book analogue, and was created just for the movie.

• At one point Cable's holed up in a fleabag hotel, assessing and reassembling his weaponry. This scene is very reminiscent of the T-800 doing the same thing in The Terminator. In fact almost everything about Movie Cable— his look, his motive and his ability to time travel— is very Terminatoresque.

• During an epic setpiece brawl in the Icebox, Deadpool says my favorite line in the entire film. He tells Cable, "You're so dark! Are you sure you're not from the DC Universe?" HAW!

• In yet another setpiece battle, Deadpool tells Cable, "Bring it on, One-Eyed Willy!" This is of course a shoutout to the pirate character in The Goonies, which starred Josh Brolin (among others).

• After he escapes, Deadpool feels guilty for leaving Russell inside the Icebox. Weasel tells him he has intel that the entire mutant population of the Icebox is being moved to an even more secure "super max" prison, eighty miles away.

Jesus Christ! How much more secure could a prison possibly be? From what we see in the film, the Icebox is located on a remote mountaintop, accessible only by special train. So there's another facility that's even harder to get into?

Moving ALL the prisoners at the same time would be a huge undertaking, and would just invite trouble and escape attempts. Why not leave 'em where they are? Did Cable's attack spook the warden, and convince him the Icebox just wasn't secure enough?

• Late in the third act, Russell knocks Deadpool across the screen with a flame blast. This singes Deadpool's costume and covers it in a layer of grey ash.

I'm assuming this was an homage to the fact that Deadpool wore a grey variant of his costume when he briefly joined X-Force in the comics.

• To get through to Russell, Deadpool pulls out a working power-dampening collar and puts it around his neck. Where the hell did he get that? The one he wore in the Icebox was damaged and stopped working. I guess maybe he must have picked one up off a corpse after the prisoner transfer went South? But why?

• Writing time travel stories is hard! Like most of them, this one falls apart with only the slightest bit of scrutiny. At some point in the future, Russell kills Cable's family. Cable then comes back to the present to prevent that from happening. Deadpool manages to steer Russell away from his murderous path, thereby saving Cable's family.

Makes sense, until you start to think about it. If Cable's family is never killed, then there's no reason for him to go back in time. But if he doesn't go back, then they'll be murdered. And so on, and so on, in an infinite circle.

Also, right after Deadpool dies, Cable decides to save him by going back in time to the moment they arrived at the orphanage. But Cable was already at the orphanage then. Shouldn't there be TWO Cables there now?

Same goes for Deadpool. In the mid-credits scene (which I admit probably isn't meant to be taken too seriously), he goes back in time to prevent Vanessa from being killed. Again, Deadpool was already present at that event, so there should be two of him there as well. Obviously that's not the case, creating yet another nonsensical paradox.

• In a mid-credit scene, Deadpool uses Cable's time slider to prevent Vanessa's death. Doesn't it seem odd to resurrect a major character AFTER the film's over, rather than during the actual storyline? Why the hell would they do that? Now ninety percent of the audience has no idea that Vanessa's still alive.

On the other hand, that's kind of on the audience members for bolting out of the theater like track stars the second the credits appear onscreen. What the hell's your hurry? Are you all late for your meetings with the president, to discuss your solutions to the immigration crisis? Sit the hell down and relax!

Deadpool 2 is the antithesis of its predecessor. Everything that worked in the original film falls flat here, as the irreverent tone is replaced with a cheap, maniupulative and wildly out of place sentimentality. It's nowhere near as funny as the first either. I can't work up enough strength to say I hated it, but I sure didn't like it. Stick with the original, and maybe check out the sequel when it comes to home video.


                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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Missed Opportunity

                     

                                              June 30, 2018, 7:41 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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Although I loved Marvel's Avengers: Infinity War film for the most part, I have to confess I was shocked that they left out a vital and integral part of Thanos' backstory.

Infinity War doesn't feature a single scene of Thanos flying around in his Thanoscopter!

Just think how much better the film would have been if he'd taunted the heroes from above, while riding in his very own customized whirlybird.

You definitely dropped the ball here, Marvel. Hopefully you'll correct this egregious error in Avengers 4!
                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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It Came From The Cineplex: Solo: A Star Wars Story

                     

                                              June 30, 2018, 7:42 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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Solo: A Star Wars Story was written by Jonathan Kasdan and Lawrence Kasdan, and directed by Ron Howard (more or less).

Jonathan Kasdan, as you might have guessed, is the son of famous screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan. He previously wrote In The Land Of Women and The First Time, neither of which I've ever heard of. His pops Lawrence Kasdan penned some of the most famous and successful movies of the past thirty years. He previously wrote The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, Body Heat, Continental Divide, The Return Of The Jedi, The Big Chill, Silverado, The Accidental Tourist, Grand Canyon, The Bodyguard, Wyatt Earp, Mumford, Dreamcatcher (I guess you can't write a winner every time) and Darling Companion (whatever that is). He co-wrote Star Wars: Episode VII– The Force Awakens along with JJ Abrams and Michael Arndt.

Ron Howard's an actor turned director, with a reputation for making competent, but unremarkable films. He previously directed Grand Theft Auto (the movie, not the video game series), Night Shift, Splash, Cocoon, Gung Ho, Willow, Parenthood, Backdraft, Far And Away, The Paper, Apollo 13, Ransom, EdTV, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, A Beautiful Mind, The Missing, Cinderella Man, The Da Vinci Code, Frost/Nixon, Angels & Demons, Rush, In The Heart Of The Sea and Inferno. Whew!

So how's the film? Overall, it's surprisingly not bad! I enjoyed most of it quite a bit (with a few eye-rolling exceptions). It's a fast-paced little adventure story, and much more fun than The Force Awakens and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. And it's about a thousand times better than the execrable The Last Jedi, which pretty much killed my life-long love for Star Wars altogether.

As fun as it is though, Solo highlights a major problem with Disney's Star Wars films— that they have absolutely no idea what to do with the franchise, so they keep looking to the past and duplicating what worked decades ago.

The Force Awakens was a virtual remake of A New Hope. Rogue One told the incredibly unnecessary story of how the Rebels stole the Death Star Plans in A New Hope. The Last Jedi was a bizarre retelling of The Empire Strikes Back, with huge swathes of The Return Of The Jedi thrown in for good measure.

And now Disney's announced too more retro projects: An Obi-Wan Kenobi movie, which by necessity will be set between the Prequel and Original Trilogies, and a Boba Fett standalone movie.

See the problem here? Disney has no idea how to move forward, as they're too busy strip mining the past for content. Eventually they're going to have to figure out something new to do with Star Wars, or we're gonna get a Greedo standalone film, right after Porkins: A Star Wars Story.

By now you've probably heard about all the behind the scenes turmoil on Solo. Ron Howard wasn't the original director of the film. That job originally fell to the team of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, who previously directed Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, 21 Jump Street, The Lego Movie and 22 Jump Street. All movies that made them the perfect choice to helm a Star Wars film.

Anyway, late in the process, Disney decided they didn't like the work Lord and Miller were turning in, and fired them due to "creative differences." 

They then brought in Ron Howard to take over the project. Disney claimed Howard was just filming a few reshoots, which is standard procedure in Hollywood these days. Crew members who actually worked on the film though reported that Howard reshot over EIGHTY PERCENT of the film!

Given all that, it's a wonder the film turned out as well as it did.

So far the film is a dismal box office failure, grossing just $357 million worldwide. While that might sound like a lot to you and me, it's pathetically low for a Star Wars movie. Bad as it was, The Last Jedi managed to gross $1.3 BILLION in its theatrical run!

Solo's $357 million take is also nothing compared to its massive budget, which Disney claims was $275 million. That's most likely a lie, as many sources who actually worked on the film claim that Ron Howards's extensive reshoots practically doubled the original budget.

Due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies need to make about twice their production budget just to break even. If Solo cost approximately $500 million to make, it'd need to gross a cool BILLION before it turns a profit! Obviously that's not going to happen. 

That's a shame too, as it's not a terrible film. I was even looking forward to additional films featuring young Han Solo and his friends. Sadly, given this film's poor box office showing, it's extremely unlikely that'll happen now.

SPOILERS FOR A PREQUEL DETAILING THE LIFE OF A CHARACTER CREATED IN 1977.

The Plot:
We begin on the ship building world of Corellia— a bleak, dark industrial world. Actually everything's dark in this movie, but that's a story for another time. A young man named Han (played by Alden Ehrenreich) hot wires a speeder and roars off in it. 

As he flies down the street, we see a pair of gold alien dice hanging from the windshield— his good luck charm. He returns to the orphanage where he lives, which is run by Lady Proxima (voiced by Linda Hunt), an enormous worm-like alien. Much like a Dickensian character, Proxima sends her orphans out on missions to pilfer and steal whatever they can and bring it back to her.

Han sees his girlfriend Qi'ra (played by Emelia Clarke), and excitedly shows her a vial of coaxium (the substance that fuels hyperdrive engines) he just stole. It's such a valuable commodity they'll be able to use it to buy their way off of Corellia and live anywhere they want. He gives the vial to Qi'ra for safe keeping, along with his lucky dice (PLOT POINT ALERT!).

Just then several guards grab Han and drag him before Lady Proxima. She demands he hand over the goods from his latest mission, but he says things went badly and he barely managed to escape with his life. Proxima doesn't believe him, and orders her guards to beat him. 

Han pulls out a rock and pretends it's a thermal detonator, which fools no one. He throws the rock through a window, and a beam of sunlight stabs through (even though minutes ago we saw it was nighttime). Proxima shrieks and dives into her pool of water. Han grabs Qi'ra and they run for it.

Han & Qi'ra jump in his stolen speeder and drive off. They head for the nearest space port, intending to use the coaxium to book passage on the next ship leaving the planet. Suddenly they're rammed from behind by a larger speeder, piloted by Proxima's men.

Han tries to lose the goons by flying through a crowded factory. The speeder gets stuck in a narrow corridor and he and Qi'ra flee on foot. They make it to the spaceport and lose themselves in the crowd, hiding from both Proxima's guards and squads of Imperial stormtroopers.

They step up to the gate and an Imperial Officer asks for their travel papers. As they have none, they bribe the guard with the coaxium. She lets them pass, but just as they step through the gate Qi'ra's grabbed by one of Proxima's men and dragged away. The gate closes with Han on the other side. He tearfully tells Qi'ra he'll come back for her, no matter how long it takes.

Han spots a nearby Imperial recruitment station. Having no other options, he decides to enlist in the Imperial Navy so he can become a pilot. A bored Recruitment Officer asks for his full name, and he replies, "Just Han." Needing something to fill in the blank, the Officer assigns him the last name of "Solo." GASP! This is moment in which he got his iconic name, as the entire audience audibly groans.

Cut to three years later. We see Han's been kicked out of the Flight Academy and is now an Imperial infantryman, fighting on the mud planet of Mimban. When his entire squad is wiped out by enemy fire, he sees a trio of nearby soldiers and decides to tag along with them.

Han soon realizes these soldiers are actually a group of smugglers: Tobias Beckett (played by Woody Harrelson), the leader, Val (played by Thandie Newton), his girlfriend, and four-armed alien Rio (voiced by Jon Favreau). He asks to join their crew, but Beckett tells him to get lost. When Han threatens to turn them in to the authorities, Beckett reveals the Imperial Officers answer to him (?). I guess he bribed them or something? Who knows. Beckett has Han arrested and thrown into a mud pit, where he's to be eaten by the creature that inhabits it.

Inside the pit, Han hears the creature growling. It rushes toward him, and Han realizes it's a large Wookiee. It attacks Han, pinning him in the mud as it violently chokes him. Han manages to gurgle out a trilling growl, which makes the Wookiee stop in its tracks. That's right— Han not only understands the Wookiee language, but can speak it as well. Sigh...

Han tells the Wookiee he has an escape plan, and points to a large pole supporting the grated ceiling of the pit. The Wookiee gets the idea and uses his brute strength to knock down the pole, causing the ceiling to collapse. Why the Wookiee never thought to do this himself a long time ago isn't made clear.

Han and the Wookiee escape, just in time to see Beckett and his crew take off in their ship. They run after the ship, begging for it to stop. Beckett sees Han and is so impressed with his moxie he actually lands and takes them aboard (which infuriates the no-fun Val). The ship leaves Mimban and blasts off into space. Han asks the Wookiee his name, and he says it's "Chewbacca." GASP! This is the iconic moment the two of them met! Han says he's not saying that every time, and shortens his name to "Chewie." GASP! This is how Chewie got his iconic nickname!

Some time later, the crew gathers around a campfire on the snow planet of Vandor-1. Beckett asks Han what his deal is. Val correctly guesses he has a girl back home. Han says she's right, and he'll do anything to rescue her. When they ask how he knows she's even still alive, the wide-eyed Han says he just knows.

Beckett says he and his crew are working for Dryden Vos, a major player in the criminal organization known as Crimson Dawn. Vos has ordered them to steal a huge shipment of coaxium from a train trundling through the mountains on Vandor-1. They intend to lower their ship over the train, attach towing cables to one of the cars, uncouple it and fly off with the shipment. If all goes well, they'll each have make enough dough to live out the rest of their lives as millionaires.

Beckett tells Han he'll need a weapon if he's gonna be part of the team. He disassembles a rifle into a small hand blaster, and casually tosses it to Han. GASP! This is the moment he got his iconic, trademark weapon! 

Cut to the next day, as a bizarre double train, with cars above and below the track, barrels though the mountains. True to the plan, Rio flies the ship over the train, and Beckett, Han and Chewie jump onto one of the cars. Meanwhile, Val zip-lines several miles ahead, where she plants explosives on the track for some reason.

Beckett and the others attach the towing cables to one of the coaxium-filled cars. Unfortunately they attract the attention of a squad of Stormtroopers guarding the shipment. They use their magnetic boots to stick to the sides of the rapidly tilting train, and begin firing on the smugglers. Eventually Beckett's crew wipes out the Troopers.

But they're not out of the woods yet! Suddenly a swarm of speeder bikes appear and fire on the smugglers. It's the Cloud Riders, a gang of space pirates led by the infamous Empty Nest  Enfys Nest. The Riders attach their own cables to the train car, intending to steal it for themselves. Note that there are at least twenty other cars in the train that the Riders could easily steal, so it's not clear why they want THIS one so badly.

Han and the others fight back, killing several of the Riders. One of them infiltrates Beckett's ship, and there's a brief shootout before Rio kills the Raider. Sadly, he's mortally wounded in the process, causing the ship to veer wildly. Beckett tells Han to take over. He leaps onto the ship just in time to see Rio die. Han slips into the pilot seat and takes over.

Meanwhile, Val's attacked by a group of flying guard droids. She holds them off, but is wounded as well. As the droids swoop in for the kill, she detonates the explosives, sacrificing her life in order to save Beckett and the mission.

Chewie uncouples the train car, and he and Beckett jump onto the ship. Han flies off with the car in tow, but the Raiders try to drag it in the opposite direction. Han's alarmed when he sees they're heading straight for a mountain. Beckett orders him to stay on course, saying the Raiders will chicken out and release their cables. 

Unfortunately Han panics, and severs the cables as he flies away. The train car slams into the mountain, and the unstable coaxium inside causes a massive implosion, taking out the surrounding geography and killing most of the Cloud Raiders. The survivors— including Enfys Nest of course— wisely flee.

We then see Beckett burying his fallen comrades on the alien world. I guess Val's grave must have been symbolic, since it's unlikely she left any remains for burial. He then punches Han in the face for ruining the mission. Yeah, take that, Han! How dare you have no control over the fact that the Cloud Raiders showed up! Beckett's perfectly fine after this, as if his girlfriend and pilot never existed at all.

Beckett tells Han he should leave (how?), as Dryden Vos will be arriving any second. He says Vos'll be mighty upset when he finds out they don't have his coaxium, and will likely kill them all. Han says he ain't a-scared and says he and Chewie are staying.

Just then Vos' skyscraper-like ship appears and lands. Beckett, Han and Chewie enter and are taken to Vos' penthouse apartment at the top. Since this is a Star Wars movie, the penthouse is filled with dozens of aliens drinking at the bar.

Amazingly, Han runs into his old flame Qi'ra in the bar! He tells her he's sorry about what happened, and says he's been trying to make it back to Corellia to rescue her. Qi'ra says she's started working for Vos shortly after Han left. He notes she has a Crimson Dawn logo tattooed (or maybe branded, it's too dark to tell) on her wrist, and realizes there's more to her story than she's telling.

Just then Vos (played by Paul Bettany) appears. He's a sophisticated yet slimy human with bizarre scars all over his face, which might be the result of an accident or could be self inflicted— who knows? He invites Beckett, Han and Chewie into his private office. Qi'ra follows along.

As predicted, Vos is royally pissed that Beckett doesn't have his coaxium, and regretfully says he'll have to kill them all. As his guards raise their weapons, Han suggests they find him some more. He says there's a huge cache of coxium under the spice mines on Kessel. GASP! THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL! I KNOW THAT!

Vos says the problem with that plan is unrefined coaxium is highly unstable, and has to be processed quickly after mining or it'll explode. They'd need an impossibly fast ship and a skilled pilot to get it a refinery in time. Qi'ra pipes up and says she knows where they can get a ship, and Han boasts that he's the best pilot in the galaxy. Vos thinks it over and agrees to give them one last chance, and says it they fail they're all dead. He orders Qi'ra to go with them, much to her dismay.

Qi'ra takes Han and Chewie to meet Lando Calrissian (played by Donald Glover), a charming con man who owns his own ship. Han challenges Lando to a game of sabaac, with the winner getting the other's ship (even though Han doesn't actually have one). Han pretends to be a newbie, but is actually quite a skilled player and seemingly beats Lando. Unfortunately Lando's a cheat, and literally has a card up his sleeve in a retractable holder. He uses this card to beat Han.

Lando then demands Han's ship, and he sheepishly admits he doesn't have one. Qi'ra tells him about the coaxium, and says if he helps them with the Kessel job, he'll have enough money to retire. Lando thinks it over and for some reason agrees to join them.

Lando picks up his co-pilot, a "female" droid named L3-37. She's a parody of both feminists and SJWs, as she constantly tells the other droids around her they're being exploited and should rise up and overthrow their masters. She's also the most irritating character in the entire goddamned franchise since Jar Jar Binks.

The group enters an underground hangar, where Lando shows them his ship— the Millennium Falcon. GASP! This is the iconic moment where Han first sees the Falcon! I... I think I'm going to swoon! Lando's upset to discover the ship's been booted, which I guess is a thing in the Star Wars universe. Beckett says he can remove the boot, but it'll lower Lando's share of the bounty. He reluctantly agrees. The group takes off for Kessel.

During the flight, L3 engages in girl talk with Qi'ra, and implies that she and Lando are in a physical relationship. Jesus wept.

They arrive at Kessel, which sits in the center of a treacherous and nonsensical region of space, surrounded by dangerous storms and massive "carbon-bergs." Sure, why not. They follow a marked "safe" route to the surface and land. 

Qi'ra poses as a regional governor (Hey, that's from A New Hope!), and presents Han and Chewie as slaves to the head of the mining facility. Lando stays on board, recording his memoirs (?), while L3 traipses around and tells her fellow droids to throw off the shackles of their servitude and get woke. I just don't know anymore...

Han and Chewie are taken inside the mines, where they overpower their guards. As they look for the vault containing the coaxium, Chewie sees a group of enslaved Wookiees. He tells Han he has to try and free them, and they split up.

Han finds the vault and begins loading coaxium containers onto a cart. Meanwhile, L3's boneheaded actions cause a goddamned riot, as her liberated droids begin opening the slave pens. Hundreds of slaves then revolt against their masters, causing complete chaos.

Han struggles to push the heavy coaxium-laden cart back to the ship. Suddenly Chewie returns to help. His fellow freed Wookiees cover them as they load the coaxium into the Falcon. 

Lando shrieks when the guards begin firing at his pristine white ship. He fires on the guards, and tells L3 to haul her metal ass back to the ship so they can take off. Just then she takes a blaster hit to the chest, as the audience rises to its feet and cheers. Lando cradles the annoying droid, and is wounded himself as he drags her upper torso back to the Falcon.

Since Lando's checked out and in no state to fly, Beckett tells Han he's the pilot now. He fires up the Falcon and blasts off. Lando cradles L3 in his arms as she powers down and dies. Thank the Baby Motherfraking Jesus!

Unfortunately the Falcon's path out of the Kessel Run is blocked by a massive Imperial Star Destroyer, which sends out a squad of TIE Fighters. Apparently the Empire somehow heard about the coaxium heist and arrived within thirty seconds.

As the ship's rocked by TIE Fighter blasts, Han says their only hope is to leave the safe route out of Kessel and head through The Maw— a deadly cluster of black holes. Lando points out that there's no route through the cluster that's less than twenty parsecs, which will take too long and cause the unstable coaxium to explode.

Han remembers that L3 had a sophisticated navigational database in her head, and suggests uploading it into the ship so they can pilot a quick & safe way out. Qi'ra apologizes to L3's metallic corpse, rips the hard drive out of her head and plugs it into the Falcon's nav computer. Sigh... that's right, folks. The goddamned Millennium Falcon was just retconned into containing the mind of a feminist, SJW droid.

The ship plots a course out of The Maw, and Han flies them through it. Suddenly they're attacked by a massive space squid or something. Han gets an idea and flies dangerously close to one of the gravity wells. The creature follows, and is pulled in and torn apart. Unfortunately the Falcon's caught too, as the well begins dragging it in.

Han suggests adding a drop of coaxium to the ship's reactor to help them break free. Beckett does so, and just as the Falcon's about to be pulled in, the coaxium gives them the extra boost they need to rocket out of the dangerous region. Because he took a short cut, Han brags that he... get ready for it... made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. GASP! This is the iconic moment in which he first said the thing we know!

The battered Falcon barely makes it to Savareen, where they begin processing and stabilizing the coaxium in the nick of time. Lando looks at his ruined ship and tells Han he hates him. Just then, Empty Enfys Nest and the Cloud Riders show up (???), demanding the entire shipment of coaxium.

Han cockily points to the Falcon, and tells Nest it's filled with several dozen deadly smugglers. He says all he has to do is snap his fingers and they'll emerge and wipe out the Riders. Wait, weren't they all killed during the train heist? Did Nest recruit some more in the past day? Anyway, right on cue, Lando takes off in the Falcon, leaving Han with space egg on his space face.

Enfys Nest removes his helmet, revealing he's really a young Maya Rudolph teenage girl. She says her mother was from Savareen, and Crimson Dawn agents raped and pillaged the place years ago. She's now doing everything in her power to keep the coaxium out of the criminal organization's hands. Han and Beckett discuss what they should do.

Suddenly Vos' ship arrives and lands. Han, Qi'ra and Chewie take a sample case of coaxium to Vos' penthouse. He examines a vial, declares it's fake and accuses Han of selling the real stuff to the Riders. Vos reveals he has an "inside man" who told him this plan, and reveals it's Beckett. Han and the others are gobsmacked by this stunning information, even though he's the only person it could possibly have been.

Han then says he anticipated Beckett's betrayal, and the coaxium he sold to the Riders is actually fake (?). It's a double double cross! A fight breaks out in the penthouse, as both Han and Qi'ra attack Vos. In the confusion, Beckett grabs the coaxium, takes Chewie hostage and leaves.

Qi'ra battles Vos and ends up stabbing him in the heart. She then tells Han to go after the coaxium and rescue Chewie. She says she has a few things to take care of first (?), but will join him soon. She's obviously lying and has no intention of following him, but Han believes her and runs off anyway.

Even though Beckett had a good ten minute start, Han somehow appears in front of him. They banter for a bit, and then Han decides he's had enough, pulls out his gun and shoots Beckett in the chest. GASP! This is the iconic moment in which Han learned to shoot first! Han then cradles Beckett in his arms for some reason, as he watches his mentor/enemy die.

Back on Vos' ship, Qi'ra contacts her real boss, who turns out to be Darth Maul (!). GASP! A rare appearance of a character from the Prequel Trilogy. Qi'ra lies and says Beckett killed Vos before she killed him, and the coaxium was destroyed. Maul apparently buys this story, and promotes Qi'ra to Vos' position. She then flies off in the late Vos' ship, and looks mournfully out the window at Han as she zooms overhead.

Han gives the entire shipment of coaxium to Enfys Nest. She says she plans to use it to fight back against the Empire. In fact you might say she's going to start a... rebellion. GASP! This is the iconic moment in which the Rebellion against the Empire was formed! Before she leaves, she gives Han a vial of coaxium, saying it should be enough for him to buy his own ship.

Cut to an unknown planet, where Lando is once again playing sabaac. Han and Chewie appear, causing Lando to do a spit-take. Lando hugs Han and says he hopes there's no hard feelings. Unknown to him, Han swipes Lando's hidden card from under his sleeve.

Han challenges Lando to another sabaac rematch, with the Falcon as the stakes. Han lays down his hand, and Lando once again reaches for his hidden card. He's startled when it's not there, and Han announces he won "fair and square." GASP! He said the thing! This is the exact moment he talked about in The Empire Strikes Back!

With the Falcon now theirs, Han and Chewie decide to head for Tattooine, where a gangster's putting together a crew for a new mission. GASP! They're talking about Jabba the Hutt! The Falcon blasts off into space.

Thoughts: 
• In an effort to not be completely negative, I want to point out that I liked most of the film. It's a fun little adventure, and I liked that the stakes were relatively small, and there was no threat to the entire galaxy. The characters were fun and engaging (with one big exception), and the majority of the acting was decent.

I did feel things were a bit rushed though. I always kind of assumed the various events of Han's life happened over a period of years. It never occurred to me that he'd meet Chewbacca, do the Kessel Run and win the Falcon from Lando all in the same day.

Would it have killed them to have spread things out over two or three movies?

The main problem with a film like this is that Han never had any backstory whatsoever in the Original Trilogy, which makes it difficult to write an origin movie. Because of this, the screenwriters had to pore over every one of his lines in the original film, examining them for ideas. As a result, his every utterance in A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and The Return Of The Jedi becomes a plot point in this film.

If you're OK with that, you'll likely love the movie. If you have a problem with it, you're in for a rocky two hours and fifteen minutes.

• Like Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Solo doesn't begin with an opening crawl. It does open with several static paragraphs of onscreen of exposition.

• Might as well get this out of the way now. Solo is without a doubt the darkest movie I've ever seen. And I ain't talking about its tone— I mean dark as in the absence of light.

Seriously, at my screening I literally could not see the faces of any of the characters. For most of the run time I had to guess who was talking. Even the daylight scenes were dark and murky. 

I actually turned around and looked up at the projection booth several times, as I was sure something must have dropped down over the window. It was obvious that this wasn't just a dimly-lit movie, and something was seriously wrong. That's too bad, as the film certainly sounded exciting. Too bad I couldn't see what the hell was happening.

It wasn't just my imagination either. The next day I emailed the theater and told them something was wrong with their projection system. Amazingly the theater manager responded, and said he'd check it out. A hour or so later he emailed me and said he checked the projector in that theater, and the bulb had been accidentally turned down to 68%, instead of the standard 91%. He thanked me for letting him know something was wrong, and sent me two free passes to make up for the problem.

See? I KNEW I wasn't crazy, and that something was seriously wrong! Now the question is why the hell is 91% the standard projector brightness? Why the hell aren't they cranking it up to 100%?

I actually went back a few days later to see the movie in its proper brightness. Believe it or not, it looked slightly brighter, but was STILL way too dark to see much of what was happening. 

Oddly enough, this wasn't an isolated incident. Apparently audiences nationwide had the same problem, and were complaining they couldn't see the characters faces during the movie. 

In an interview with IndieWire, theater projection consultant (which I guess is a thing) Chaplin Cutler said there are a variety of factors that can cause a movie to look too dark. Films are projected through a window in the theater wall. If that window becomes dirty, it can darken the picture. The projector bulbs also dim over time, and because they're pricey, theater owners often wait too long to change them.

3D can also be a factor. When a theater shows a 3D movie, they place a special lens over the projector that splits the image in two. Supposedly it's a pain to remove this lens, so theaters often leave it on when they show a 2D movie. Unfortunately the 3D lens significantly darkens a 2D image.

There's also the fact that all theatrical movies these days are digital. That makes it necessary to compress the files, which often causes loss of detail in darker scenes.

Those are all great excuses, but this isn't some indie movie by a no-name studio. It's a Disney film, for corn's sake. They've been around for almost a hundred years, so you'd think they'd know about all this stuff by now and be able to compensate for it.

In addition to being literally too dark to see at times, Solo also has some of the ugliest cinematography I've seen in quite a while. Everything's dull and dingy, with an unpleasant brown tinge. Most infuriating of all, much of the film is backlit by bright windows or light sources placed behind the actors. Jesus Christ, even I know better than to do that. Lighting a movie from behind blows out the screen and makes it virtually impossible to see the actors.

Supposedly Bradford Young is the guilty party responsible for the horrible, horrible cinematography on Solo. This's surprising, since he also worked on Arrival. I had no problems seeing what the hell was going on in that film, so I dunno what the hell happened here.

• I really think these "A Star Wars Story" films need some sort of onscreen caption or something to explain just when they're taking place. Sure, the die-hard fans all know the timeline, but I guarantee the general public doesn't have a clue, and is wondering Han Solo is alive and young after being killed as an old man in The Force Awakens.

For the record, Solo begins thirteen years before the events of A New Hope. There's then a three year time jump in the first act, so the rest of the movie takes place ten years before Han meets Luke in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

• Solo clocks in at two hours and fifteen minutes. That's a bit too long for a fun, breezy heist movie. Trimming it by fifteen or twenty minutes would have helped it greatly.

• Alden Ehrenreich does a passable job as Han Solo, but I still think there were better choices out there. It's not that his performance was bad per se, it's just that there was never a point in the movie where I actually thought I was looking at a young Han.

Dave Franco (!), Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Miles Teller (and his punchable face), Nick Robinson, Leo Howard, Tony Oller, Chandler Riggs (!!!), Hunter Parrish, Rami Malek (?), Landon Liboiron, Ed Westwick, Tom Felton (WHAT?), Joshua Sasse, Logan Lerman, Ansel Elgort (I could see him in the part), Jack Reynor, Colton Haynes, Max Thieriot, Scott Eastwood (???), Chris Pratt (that's gotta be a joke, as he's currently OLDER than Harrison Ford was during filming of A New Hope!), Emory Cohen, Taron Egerton, Jack O'Connell and Blake Jenner all auditioned for the role.

Personally I think actor Anthony Ingruber would have been the perfect choice. He sounds and acts exactly like Harrison Ford, and best of all looks eerily like him as well. Look him up on Youtube, and see what I mean. It's amazing how well he channels Ford.

• The filmmakers might have botched the casting of Han, but they made up for it with Lando. Donald Glover was absolutely perfect in the role. He moved and acted exactly like a young Billy Dee Williams, and even had the voice and inflections down pat. 

Some fans are complaining (imagine that) about Glover's performance, saying it was nothing more than an impression of Lando. Well... so what? Isn't that kind of the idea when you cast someone to play a previously established character?

• Tessa Thompson, Naomi Scott, Zoë Kravitz, Kiersey Clemons and Jessica Henwick were considered for the role of Qi'Ra, before it ultimately went to Emilia Clarke. Eh... she does an adequate job I guess. Honestly I just don't think she's much of an actress. I hope she's socking away her Game Of Thrones money, because I don't see much of a future for her once that show's done.

• Joonas Suotamo plays Chewbacca, as he's done now in both The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Suotamo replaced original Chewie actor Peter Mayhew, who sadly had to retire due to ill health.

Suotamo does as good a job as anyone's likely to do, but it's painfully obvious that Mayhew's no longer inside the fur suit. Sadly it's just not the same.

• Dryden Vos was originally played by actor Michael K. Williams, and the character was supposedly some sort of CGI lion-man alien.

Unfortunately Williams wasn't available for the extensive reshoots, so he was replaced by Paul Bettany, who played him as a live action humanoid.

• Thandie Newton, who plays Val, is a stunningly beautiful woman. You'd never know it from watching Solo though, as she's saddled with a horrible Toni Home Perm, that adds a good ten years to her age and makes her look like a frumpy 1950s housewife. 

It almost looks like she's sporting a replica of Moss' do from The IT Crowd!

• Jon Favreau voices Rio Durant, a four armed CGI alien member of Beckett's crew. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but Favreau/Rio sounds EXACTLY like Rocket Racoon from the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies. Ah, who am I kidding. Of course they were trying to make him sound like Rocket.

• Empty Enfys Nest is played by Erin Kellyman, whoever that is. All I know is she's a dead ringer for a young Maya Rudolph, of SNL fame. Distractingly so. In fact when she first took off her helmet and revealed her face, my first thought was, "Wow, why'd they waste time and money digitally de-aging Maya Rudolph?" Eventually I figured out it wasn't her, but man, do they look alike.

Somebody in Hollywood needs to cast these two as mother and daughter, or the same character at different ages. C'mon, agents! Get on this, stat!

• Warwick Davis makes a brief appearance as Weazel, a character who was allegedly in The Phantom Menace. Davis played Wicket the Ewok in The Return Of The Jedi, and has been involved in eight other Star Wars related projects over the years.

Davis also starred as the title character in Willow, which coincidentally was also directed by Ron Howard.

• Phoebe Waller-Bridge provides the voice and motion capture for the detestable droid L3-37.

On the Graham Norton Show, Waller-Bridge claims that when she auditioned for the role, she played the character as a human, because not only had she never seen a Star Wars movie in her life, but she "didn't know what a droid was."

Sigh.................

OK, I'm calling shenanigans on that one. I can accept the fact that someone's never seen the films, but how the hell can a grown-ass human adult have never heard the word "droid" before? It's only two letters away from "android," which isn't exactly an arcane term, and it's the name of one of the most popular smart phones in the world! Jesus Christ!

Either Waller-Bridge is a complete and utter moron who needs help finding her way home, or she just wanted a "cute" story to tell on a chat show.

• Naturally since this is ostensibly a Ron Howard film, he stuck his brother Clint into it (as he always does). 

• Because this is a Disney Star Wars film, it's filled with references from the various movies. It's a pretty lengthy list, but somehow the shoutouts didn't seem as blatant and obtrusive as they did in Rogue One. 

Here are a few of the references I noticed. I'm sure there were probably others I missed.

— During the train heist, Val mentions Bossk. He's the lizard-like bounty hunter in The Empire Strikes Back (which actually takes place after this movie!).

— When Lando meets Beckett, he says, "You're the man who killed Aurra Sing!" Beckett replies that he only gave her a push, and the fall killed her. Sing was a bounty hunter who popped up VERY briefly (we're talking one second or so) in The Phantom Menace.

— When Han and the others enter Vos' penthouse, he asks if they'd like some Colo Claw Fish. The Claw Fish was one of the giant aquatic beasts that tried to snack on Qui-Gon and Co. in The Phantom Menace.

— To keep Vos from killing them, Han and Beckett try to think of alternate sources of coaxium. Qi'Ra suggests Scariff. That was the planet that sort of got blown up by the newly minted Death Star in Rogue One.

— Lando consistently mispronounces Han's name, just as he did in The Empire Strikes Back and The Return Of The Jedi.

— Onboard the Falcon, Qi'Ra discovers Lando has a closet just for his capes (!). Han interrupts her as she's trying on a blue cape— which appears to be the same one Lando wore in The Empire Strikes Back.

— En route to Kessel, Beckett teaches Chewie how to play Dejarik, the 3D chess game first seen in A New Hope. This is at least the third time the game's appeared in the franchise now.

— In the elevator on Kessel, Han's horrified to see Chewie's torn off the arms of a guard. In A New Hope, Han warns 3PO that Wookiees are known for that.

— When the gang's on Kessel, Beckett sports the same guard helmet and armor that Lando wore when he infiltrated Jabba's palace in The Return Of The Jedi. I always assumed Lando just picked up the armor in the palace, but apparently he owned it for some reason, and stored it on his ship!

— On Kessel, Qi-ra dispatches a guard with a martial arts move. When Han looks at her in amazement, she says she knows "Teras Kasi." That's a nod to the 1997 Playstation videogame Star Wars: Masters Of Teras Kasi. Most fans consider it one of the worst fighting games ever made.

— During the famous Kessel Run, Han says, "I have a really good feeling about this." That's of course a play on "I have a bad feeling about this," a phrase which has famously been uttered in every previous Star Wars film.

— At one point Lando mentions Sharu, the Oseon system and the Starcave Nebula. These are all references to a series of novels from the 1980s, detailing Lando's adventures prior to losing the Falcon to Han. For the record, the novels are Lando Calrissian And The Mindharp Of Sharu, Lando Calrissian And The Flamewind Of Oseon and Lando Calrissian And The Starcave Of ThonBoka. I have a feeling the titles are the best things about these books.

Oddly enough, in these novels Lando also travels with a droid copilot! I've not read any of these titles, but hopefully the droid in the books was nowhere near as annoying as the one in the movie.

— After Han practically destroys the Falcon during the Kessel Run, Lando tells him, "I hate you." Han replies, "I know." This is a reverse of the iconic Leia/Han scene in The Empire Strikes Back.

— At the end of the movie, Beckett pulls a gun on Han and begins monologuing. Before he can finish his speech, Han pulls out his blaster and shoots him dead. This of course is supposed to be the origin of Han's "shoot first" philosophy, as seen in the original theatrical release of A New Hope.

• For over forty years now, no one's ever given a mynock's ass as to what powers the ships in the Star Wars universe. They just go. That's all we've ever needed to know.

All that's changed in the past year. Suddenly the fuel source of Star Wars ships is an issue of vital importance. In fact it's a major plot point in Solo, and in The Last Jedi as well. 

I don't get it. What changed? Why's it suddenly such a relevant topic? Because we're worried about energy in the real world?

• Inside the Corellian spaceport, we see a flatscreen TV playing an Imperial propaganda commercial. This ad consists of shots of Star Destroyers and TIE Fighters, and amazingly is accompanied by a slightly reworked version of The Imperial March, which first appeared in The Empire Strikes Back. 

OK, so it was supposed to be a fun little Easter egg or whatever, but all I could think of when I heard it was how John Williams must exist in the Star Wars universe.

Hey, I had to think of something during this movie, since I couldn't see the goddamned thing!

• When Han signs up with the Empire, he doesn't give the recruiter his last name because he's on his own and "he has no people." Later on he tells Beckett about his dad, who used to build space ships on Corellia.

So which is it, Han? Do you have "people" or don't you? 

It's possible to reconcile his two statements with a little bit of effort, but we shouldn't have to do the writers' work for them.

• By the way, during this "recruitment scene," we discover the burning question of how Han got his last name. What's that? You never wondered about that? Yeah, neither did I. Apparently it was a big bee in the bonnet of the screenwriters though, as they felt the burning need to explain it.

See, when the recruiter asks Han his last name, he mumbles that he doesn't have one. The recruiter, needing something to put on the form, says, "Hmmm... Han... ummm... Han Solo." Just like an immigrant who's complicated name was changed to "Smith" at Ellis Island in 1900.

Jesus wept. I audibly groaned in the theater at that line. This is NOT something that needed to be explained, like. His name's Han Solo. That's a common surname in the Star Wars galaxy. End of story.

• When Han's thrown into the pit, the Imperial guards gleefully chortle that he'll be eaten by the monster inside. Once in the pit, Han notices the bones of the monster's previous victims.

Eventually the "monster" turns out to be Chewie. So what a minute... did Chewie actually eat the previous prisoners who were tossed into the pit with him? Are Wookiees really carnivores who eat intelligent species? Based on this scene, it sure looks that way! Holy Crap!

• I was underwhelmed by Han's first meeting with Chewie. Part of that might have been because the sequence is a shot for shot remake of the "Pit Witch" scene from Army Of Darkness.

• In the pit, Chewie tries to kill Han, until he croaks out a few words in "Shyriiwook" (the Wookiee language). So... not only can Han understand the language, but he can speak it as well. Of all the things I thought I'd see in this movie, Alden Ehrenreich moaning and gargling onscreen was last on the list.

• For several years now, smart alecks on the internet have snarkily asked how the hell Chewbacca can pronounce his name, when his language consists of nothing but growls and trills. Good question!

Against all logic and reason, those noises apparently somehow represent his name. When Han finally asks the Wookiee what he's called, he utters a series of bleats that Han translates into "Chewbacca." I'm confused.

• Apparently Chewie is destined to undergo a major growth spurt sometime in the next ten years. Here in Solo, he's barely a foot taller than Han. Compare this to A New Hope, in which he absolutely towers over his partner!

• Right before the train heist, Beckett tells Han he'll need a weapon. He then disassembles a rifle, turns it into a handgun and tosses it to Han.

So I guess Chewie can just go fark himself then, as Beckett never gives him a weapon.

Since they insisted on explaining everything else in this film, shouldn't they have shown how Chewie got his laser-shooting crossbow thing?

• The heist goes horribly wrong when Han panics and cuts the stolen train car from Beckett's fleeing ship. As the car crashes to the ground, the highly volatile coaxium inside causes a massive implosion, completely destroying an entire mountain.

But just a minute or so earlier, the entire train— consisting of twenty or so cars— jumped the track and crashed as well. If just one car load of coaxium could wipe out a mountain, shouldn't a couple dozen have cracked the planet in two? Whoops!

• After the train heist goes South, Beckett says Vos will be arriving any second. He tells Han and Chewie they should leave before he arrives, as Vos likely kill them if they stay.

Um... how the hell would they "leave" exactly? They don't have a ship. Does Beckett expect them to trudge to the train depot and steal a ship from there?

• Vos' penthouse office is a goldmine of Easter eggs and references. At least I think it was. Once again, the scene was so dark I could barely make out what was happening.

His collection includes the golden fertility idol from the beginning of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. You can see it right in the center of the screen as Vos and the others chat.

Vos also has what appears to be a suit of Mandalorian battle armor on display. It's the same style of armor worn by Boba Fett in the various Star Wars films (although this example looks to be a dark red, rather than green).

There's also a large crystal skull on a shelf in Vos' office. Most fans believe this is a nod to Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. I suppose it could be, but I'm wondering if it's not a more obscure reference. There was a 1980 novel by Brian Daley titled Han Solo And The Lost Legacy, which featured— you guessed it— a large crystal skull on the cover. Is it possible the skull's a shoutout to that little-remembered cover?

• Some fans have claimed that Vos' elaborate facial scars became brighter when he got angry. I honestly couldn't say whether that's true or not, as I seriously could not see what the hell was going on in the movie. 

If true, that's a clever little touch. It's also a direct swipe from Alfred Bester's 1957 sci-fi novel The Stars My Destination. In it, main character Gulley Foyle is forced to get an elaborate tiger tattoo on his face. He eventually gets the tattoo removed, but finds it becomes visible again when he loses his temper. He then has to learn to control his emotion, lest the tattoo become visible and he reveal his true identity. Didn't think I'd catch that one, did you, Kasdan boys?

• Shortly before the film premiered, screenwriter Jonathan Kasdan announced in an interview that the character of Lando Calrissian is "pansexual," and doesn't limit himself to women or even members of his own species. Predictably, the press and internet went wild over this nugget of info, passionately arguing the pros and cons of a fictional character's sexuality.

Oddly enough, there's absolutely NOTHING in the movie to suggest Lando's orientation. And I do mean nothing.

So what the hell, Jonny? Why bring up something that has no bearing on the film? Was he pandering to the SJW crowd in a desperate attempt to pique their interest?

• Best Line Of The Movie: At one point Lando finds the Falcon's been "booted." Beckett says he can free it— for a hefty fee. Lando says, "I don't like it. I don't agree with it. But I'll accept it." 

Words to live by!

• Welp, I put it off as long as I could, but it's time to talk about L3-37. Jesus Jetskiing Christ, has there ever been a more annoying character in the history of film? I used to think Jar Jar Binks was the worst character in the trilogy, but this fraking robot makes him seem appealing.

I hated everything about her. She was arrogant, recklessly headstrong and infuriatingly smug. I even hated her voice!

She wasn't just annoying, but dangerous as well. Her actions actually incited a full-blown riot that killed people, as well as the droids she was trying to "save." She even got herself killed and Lando wounded.

I honestly came close to standing up and cheering when L3 droid was shot and killed. Never in my life have I been so satisfied at the death of a fictional character.

Oddly she's played so broadly it's almost like she's like a parody of a typical SJW. How the hell did that happen? I know for a fact that a "woke" presence like Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy would never allow such a character onscreen. Is Kennedy really so dense that she couldn't see that L3 was making fun of the audience segment she loves so dearly?

I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think L3's name is supposed to be a joke. I think L3-37 is supposed to look like 1337, as in "leet speak." You know, when people online substitute letters with symbols, and write things like "b&" instead of "banned."

By the way, if you can stand to look at her, you can see that L3's upper arms appear to be made from spare astromech legs, much like R2-D2's. 

That's sort of a nice little touch I guess, but something's way off here. R2's legs appear to be about twenty four inches long, without the "foot." If L3's upper arms really are spare R2 legs, that would make her about ten feet tall. Obviously that's not the case.

Is there some sort of tiny astromech unit we've not yet seen, whose arms were cannibalized to build L3?

• Man, the planet Kessel is quite the mineralogical wonder. Not only does it contain the spice mines, but there're apparently vast deposits of coaxium underneath them! 

• Way back in A New Hope, Han bragged that the Millennium Falcon was "the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs." The idea of course was that the Falcon traveled the distance in record time, but Han's statement made no sense. A parsec is a unit of distance, not time. It's like saying you ran a hundred yard dash in ten feet.

Obviously this was a flub on George Lucas' part, as he must have heard the term "parsec" at one point but had no idea what it meant. That simple explanation wasn't good enough for the fans though, as for decades they've been trying to reconcile Han's statement.

The most popular fan explanation is that the Kessel Run was a dangerous region of space, but there was a relatively safe— but lengthy— route through it, which was maybe twenty or so parsecs long. For whatever reason, Han decided to take a dangerous shortcut through the area, which ended up being just twelve parsecs.

Amazingly, that's exactly what happens in Solo, as the screenwriters incorporated this fan theory pretty much verbatim!

• During the Kessel Run, you can hear snippets of The Asteroid Field score from The Empire Strikes Back. Another nice touch.

• Late in the third act, Vos reveals that Beckett is secretly working for him. This leaves Han and Qi'ra completely gobsmacked, as their jaws practically hit the floor. Why is everyone so surprised when the inside man turns out to be Beckett? Lando's already checked out of the movie at this point, so Beckett's literally the only other cast member it could possibly be.

• Beckett takes Chewie hostage and leaves with the heavy case full of coaxium. Han and Qi'ra then say goodbye to each other for a good five minutes. Han then goes after Beckett.

Cut to Becket & Chewie lugging the coaxium up a sand dune. Suddenly they're confronted by Han, who's waiting for them at the top! How in the name of George Lucas' neck wattle did Han not only catch up to the pair, but manage to get ahead of them? Can he secretly teleport himself?

Solo's a film that didn't need to be made, but turned out far better than it had any right to. It's not a perfect film by any means, but it's a fun little adventure, and the first one Disney's done so far that actually feels like a Star Wars movie. Unfortunately fans apparently don't agree with me, and the film's sinking at the box office. I give it a B.


                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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Hi-Def Revelation: Independence Day

                     

                                              July 4, 2018, 7:06 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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I spent part of today rewatching the 1996 blockbuster film Independence Day, as I do every July the 4th. It's become sort of an annual tradition for me.

I've probably seen the film fifty times now, and I get a lot of crap about it from friends and co-workers. I don't care. I know it's schlock, but there's something about it I just like.

Anyway, this year I watched it on blu ray in glorious 1080p resolution, and it's been, pardon the pun, eye opening. I'm seeing all kinds of things I never noticed before when I watched films in low-def, like a common peasant.

Like this, for instance. At the El Toro military base, Capt. Steven Hiller (played by Will Smith), drops a small box on the floor. His pal Capt. Jimmy Wilder (annoying played by Harry Connick Jr.), bends down to pick it up.

Jimmy opens the box and gasps, exclaiming "Stevie, this is a weddin' ring!"  Hiller sheepishly explains, "Jasmine kinda has a thing for dolphins..."

He's not wrong! Earlier in the film, we saw that Hiller's fiance Jasmine (played by Vivica A. Fox) is wearing earrings shaped like dolphins! Cool! I can't believe I never noticed that detail the previous forty nine times I've seen this movie! Thanks, blu ray!

Other things I noticed:

In this scene, Secretary Of Defense Albert Nimziki (on the right) is in the Oval Office, speaking with an Aide. Obviously the aliens have already landed and infiltrated the White House at this point. How do I know? Because one of them's hiding on the Aide's head!

Get a load of that horrible looking hamster's nest on top of that guy's head! Jesus Christ, you know a toupee's bad when you can spot it on film! Why not just yank that moldy rug off his head and toss it in the dumpster? Surely he couldn't have looked any worse bald than he does with that thing! Keeee-rist!

This has nothing to do with high definition, but it's always been one of my favorite nonsensical scenes in the movie. As the alien ships approach, David Levinson (played by Jeff Goldblum) chats with Marty Gilbert (played by Harvey Fierstein) at the cable company where they work. 

Note the giant wall of monitors behind them. Every single one of them is tuned to a different channel.

Suddenly President Whitmore (played by Bill Pullman) appears on TV, to make a special announcement. Note that for some reason, several of the screens in the center of the wall have somehow merged together to display three large images of the President.

A few seconds later, the Prez urges the public to flee the cities as quickly as possible. In an effort to emphasize his words, ALL the screens combine into one massive display featuring Whitmore's solemn face.

How the holy hell could ANY of that happen? I suppose it's physically possible to program a wall of screens to combine into one display. But someone would have to control it. There's no way it could happen as shown, without human intervention. You'd have to invent some kind of sophisticated A.I. that could comprehend what it's hearing, and combine the screens at relevant and dramatic moments!

One last thing, that's fun to look for. When David announces the aliens are counting down to humanity's destruction, Marty gasps in horror. He says, "Oh my god! I gotta call my brother! I better call my housekeeper! I gotta call my lawyer! Ah, forget my lawyer!"

It's a funny moment, but the "Ah, forget my lawyer" line has obviously been dubbed. That's because if you look closely, Marty actually says, "Ah, F*CK my lawyer!" 

I'm betting the MPAA told the producers that line would earn them an R rating instead of PG-13, so they hurriedly dubbed over Marty's line with the less provocative "screw."

                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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It Came From The Cineplex: Hereditary

                     

                                              July 7, 2018, 6:48 pm
                     


                     
                     

                     
                     
                                          
                     
                                          
                     
                   


                   
                   


                     
                     

                       
                       

                         
                              
                         

                          
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Hereditary was written and directed by Ari Aster.

Aster previously wrote and directed several short films you've never heard of. Hereditary is his first theatrical movie.

Hereditary is a pretty impressive debut. I didn't know what to make of it when I first saw it, as it was so disjointed and off-kilter that I wasn't quite sure what I'd just watched. The movie stuck with me though, as I was still thinking about it days after I'd seen it (which rarely if ever happens these days).

It's a very layered film, featuring many scenes that are seemingly unimportant, but become significant the more you think about them.

Thematically it's VERY similar to Rosemary's Baby, and to a lesser extent The VVitch. There're probably many other influences in there as well, that I just don't recognize. Now that I think about it, it definitely feels like three or four movies mashed together into one.

Unfortunately the movie's not the least bit scary, despite what all the promotional material would have you believe. It IS extremely unsettling and disturbing though, which is even better. In fact it's so intense at times that it's actually hard to watch.

Hereditary has a VERY odd story structure, which doesn't completely work. It presents itself as a psychological horror film about a woman's slow descent into madness, and the resulting disintegration of her family. Turns out that's not what the movie's about at all. The REAL plot doesn't actually kick in until the final fifteen minutes!

On the plus side, this bizarre framework kept me guessing all through the movie, as I was trying to figure out where the hell it was headed. On the negative side, this doesn't give the real story the room it needs to breathe and develop, making it feel almost inconsequential. It definitely could have benefited from one more pass at the script.

Credit where credits's due though— Hereditary may not be perfect, but at least it isn't a sequel or remake.

Earlier this year in Australia, the Hereditary trailer was accidentally played before a screening of the kid flick Peter Rabbit. This caused much wailing and pants-wetting, as panicked parents rushed their precious snowflakes out of the theater before their delicate psyches were permanently scarred.

Said an audience member, “It was dreadful. Very quickly you could tell this was not a kid’s film. Parents were yelling at the projectionist to stop, covering their kids’ eyes and ears. A few went out to get a staff member but she was overwhelmed and didn’t really know what to do. Some parents fled the cinema with their kids in tow.”

I love that story...

So far the film's grossed $61 million worldwide against its minuscule $10 million budget, making it a decent box office success.

BIG HONKIN' SPOILERS AHEAD! THIS IS A MOVIE BEST SEEN "COLD!" DO NOT PROCEED UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN IT! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

The Plot:
Meet the Graham family: Steve (played by Gabriel Byrne), the level headed father, Annie (played by Toni Collette), the unstable artistic mother, teenaged son Peter (played by Alex Wolff) and creepy young daughter Charlie (played by Milly Shapiro). As the film opens, they're preparing for the funeral of Annie's late mother Ellen, the cold and controlling matriarch of the family.

Annie delivers the eulogy at the funeral, suddenly veering off into a bizarre tirade against her mother. During the service, the sullen and distant Charlie clucks her tongue while she draws disturbing pictures in her sketchbook. Steve freaks out when he sees Charlie eating a candy bar, as she has a deadly peanut allergy. She assures him it's nut-free, and chomps solemnly away (PLOT POINT!).

After the funeral, Annie notices Charlie's acting more withdrawn than usual, and assumes she's saddened by her grandmother's death. For some reason, Annie says Ellen always wished Charlie was a boy (PLOT POINT!), which is an odd thing to tell a little girl. Charlie asks who'll take care of her now that her grandmother's dead, which disturbs Annie. 

Annie enters her studio, where she creates intricately detailed miniature dioramas. She finishes a piece illustrating her late mother dying in hospice (!). Distracted, she starts going through a box of Ellen's things. She stops when she sees a ghostly vision of her mother in the studio.

The next day, Charlie's sitting in class when a bird flies into the window and dies. At recess, Charlie finds the dead bird, cuts off its head and stuffs it in her pocket. As one does in that situation. She looks up and sees a woman across the street waving at her (PLOT POINT!).

That night, the cemetery informs Steve that Ellen's grave has been desecrated. He decides not to tell Annie about it. Annie says she's going to a movie, but secretly attends a grief counseling support group. She's reluctant to talk at first, but then begins blurting out ever more shocking personal details about her and her family, including the fact that her father and brother killed themselves. She says her mother killed herself as well, likely due to the fact that she had both D.I.D. and dementia.

Charlie begins sleeping in a treehouse in the backyard, where she builds bizarre little figures and sculptures. She tops off one with the bird head she harvested earlier that day. As she admires her work, she sees a strange light pass through the treehouse (PLOT POINT!).

Some time later Peter asks Annie if he can take her car to a party. Annie asks if there'll be drinking there, and he lies and says no. Annie asks him to take his sister Charlie, I guess in an effort to bring her out of her shell. Peter reluctantly agrees to take her. 

At the party, the creepy and withdrawn Charlie clings to Peter's side, cramping his style. He spots a group of teens baking in the kitchen (?) and tells Charlie to go talk with them. Freed from his little sister, he goes upstairs and smokes pot with his crush Bridget and her friends. Charlie grabs a piece of chocolate cake and starts chowing down. Unfortunately the cake contains peanuts, and she begins having an allergic reaction.

Peter spots Charlie choking, and carries her to the car. He speeds to the hospital, telling her to hold on. Unable to breathe, Charlie rolls down the window and sticks her head out. Suddenly Peter sees a deer in the road, and swerves to avoid it. He sideswipes a utility pole, which brutally decapitates Charlie. Holy. Crap.

Peter slams on the brakes and sits in the car for several minutes, refusing to look in the back seat. In shock, he slowly drives home, goes upstairs and crawls into bed. The next morning, Annie announces she's going into town for art supplies, and shrieks when she sees her daughter's headless body sitting in the back seat of the SUV.

Cut to Charlie's funeral, where an inconsolable Annie wails and collapses to the ground. Later Steve looks through Charlie's sketchbook and is horrified by what he sees. Peter has a panic attack at school and shakily rides his bike home.

Later, Annie drives to another grief meeting, but changes her mind and starts to turn around. She's stopped by Joan, a woman from the support group. She hands Annie her phone number and urges her to call any time.

Annie begins sleeping in the treehouse, I guess in an effort to try and be "near" Charlie. Peter hears a clucking noise in his room, and sees a vision of Charlie in the corner.

Several days later, Annie visits Joan at her apartment, and unloads her emotional baggage onto her. She tells Joan she's a sleepwalker, and once doused Peter and Charlie with paint thinner and was about to drop a lit match on them before waking up in the nick of time (!). She says her relationship with her children was never quite the same after that. I can't imagine why. 

Annie begins a slow and steady descent into madness, going so far as to build a diorama of accident scene that killed Charlie (!). The family then has a tense and unpleasant dinner, in which Annie finally comes out and blames Peter for Charlie's death. He correctly points out that it was her idea for him to take her in the first place. Annie storms off, as the family slowly disintegrates.

Annie runs into Joan, who breathlessly tells her about a seance she attended. Annie's skeptical, but Joan insists she come back to her place so she can demonstrate. Once there, Joan conjures up the spirit of her late grandson, who moves a cup across a table and draws on a chalkboard. Annie's flabbergasted, and realizes she can use this technique to talk with Charlie. Joan tells her all she has to do is use a personal item belonging to her daughter, recite a few magic words and make sure her entire family's in the house during the seance.

Annie's sanity continues to unravel, as she rushes home and tries the incantation, using Charlie's sketchbook. Later that night, Annie wakes Steve and Peter, telling them both she's contacted Charlie. She drags them out of bed and demonstrates, seemingly becoming possessed by the spirit of her dead daughter. A horrified Steve shakes her out of the trance, as Peter begins sobbing uncontrollably.

The next day, Peter's in class and sees the same mysterious light Charlie saw. He turns his head and sees his reflection in a window, and is disturbed to see it smiling at him. Back home, an unhinged Annie destroys her studio and everything in it.

That night Peter has another vision of Charlie, as two hands reach out from under his bed and choke him. He wakes up to find Annie's sleepwalking and trying to kill him again. She comes to and begs Peter not to tell Steve what she did. She says she accidentally woke something dangerous by trying to contact Charlie, and she's the only one who can stop it.

Annie grabs Charlie's sketchbook and throws it in the fireplace. Unfortunately her arm catches fire at the same time as the book. She fishes the book out of the flame and puts it out, which douses her arm as well. She realizes she can't destroy the sketchbook, and returns to Joan for help. Annie's shocked to see Joan's apartment is decorated with various witchcraft items, along with a photo of Peter inside a ceremonial symbol.

Now that the movie's three-fourths over, the actual plot begins to kick in. Annie returns home and googles the symbol from Joan's apartment. She discovers it's associated with Paimon, a demonic king of Hell. She roots through her late mother's belongings again, and finds photos of her with Joan, proving they were both in the same witchy coven. Apparently the followers of Paimon are attempting to conjure him into a male body, which will bring them vast wealth or something(?). 

For some reason, Annie goes up in the attic, which is filled with clouds of flies and a dreadful smell. She roots around and is shocked to find the headless corpse of her late mother (solving the mystery of Ellen's desecrated grave). 

At school, Peter's in class when he hears Charlie clucking her tongue. He suddenly becomes possessed, and violently smashes his head against his desk, breaking his nose.

Steve brings Peter home from school. Annie couldn't care less about him, as she tells Steve that her mother's decapitated corpse is in the attic. She shows him the photos of Ellen with Joan, and says she cursed the family when she tried to contact Charlie. Steve doesn't believe a word she says, but goes into the attic to humor her. He sees the body and accuses Annie of digging up her own mother.

Annie tries to get Steve to burn Charlie's sketchbook, but he refuses. She throws it in the fire, even though she knows it'll kill her. For some reason Steve instantly bursts into flame instead of her (?) and dies.

Peter wakes up and wanders through the house, looking for his parents. He finds his father's charred corpse, and sees a vision of his dead grandmother. A possessed Annie begins chasing him, and he runs up into the attic to hide. Annie bashes her head against the attic door, desperately trying to get in.

Inside the attic, Peter sees candles and other witchcraft paraphernalia, along with a photo of himself with the eyes scribbled out. He hears a noise and sees Annie hovering above him, sawing through her neck with a cord while she stares at him.

Suddenly Peter's confronted by the corpses of his family. He leaps out the attic window and dies when he hits the ground. The glowing light enters his body, and he slowly gets up. He sees his mother's headless corpse float into the treehouse (!). 

Peter climbs into the treehouse, and sees a coven of naked Paimon worshippers inside. Charlie's decapitated head sits on top of a statue of Paimon. Annie and Ellen's headless bodies bow at each side of the statue. Joan appears, and places a crown on Peter's head, and welcomes him as the resurrected spirit of Paimon.

Thoughts: 
• Doesn't it seem odd that Ellen (the grandmother) is a major character and presence in the film, but dies before it starts?

• The movie opens with a very cool shot, as we see one of Annie's dioramas. Specifically a detailed recreation of the Graham's house.

The camera slowly zooms in toward the house, focusing on a tiny replica of Peter's bedroom.

Suddenly Steve bursts into the room, carrying Peter's suit.

He then wakes up his son, telling him to get ready for the funeral, as the miniature room transitions into the real thing.

The whole scene's done as a single tracking shot, and the switch from the model home to full size house is absolutely seamless. Well done!

I'm assuming the filmmakers didn't include this shot just to show off, and the scene has some symbolic or deep-seated psychological meaning, but I have no idea what it might be.

By the way, the film's peppered with various shots of the treehouse and the exterior of the Graham home, shot with a "tilt shift" camera, which makes them look like miniatures. These shots ad to the film's sense of unease, as the audience is never quite sure if they're looking at a model or the real thing. 

• Speaking of Annie's models, they serve a subtle, psychological purpose in Hereditary (as just about everything in the film does). All through the movie, Annie's fragile mental state is in constant danger of collapsing. As a result of this, she's compelled to make miniature dioramas of the major events in her life, such as the death of her mother. She even makes a model of Charlie's grisly decapitation accident!

Why the hell would she want to do something like that? Because recreating these traumatic scenes is a release for her. Plus building and staging the dioramas gives her a feeling of control over these events she can't change. In effect she's like a god who has power over her tiny world.

It's a pretty cool concept that's flawlessly executed.

• Alex Wolff must have one hell of an agent. Somehow he managed to get top billing in the film, even over Toni Collette, who's the ostensible star. Strange!

• As a general rule, I hate it when a trailer misleads the audience, promising one film and delivering a completely different one. The Hereditary trailer is a prime example of this. It's edited in a way that makes it look like Ellen dies and her spirit begins possessing Charlie. It also implies that Charlie's a major presence throughout the entire movie.

In reality, none of that's true, as Ellen doesn't do any possessing, Charlie shockingly dies at the end of the first act and everything's part of a plot to resurrect Paimon.

Ordinarily I'd be livid at such a deceptive trailer. But Hereditary is a film that works best if you walk in knowing absolutely nothing about it. In this case the misleading trailer actually worked to its advantage.

• Speaking of misdirection: the trailer's edited to make it look like this is a scene of Ellen's funeral. It's actually Charlie's!

In fact if you look at the scene from the actual movie, you can clearly see the mourners are standing over a tiny coffin. One that's just the right size for a headless thirteen year old girl!

• One last thing about the trailer before I finally move on. At one point, Annie says her mother Ellen wouldn't let her breastfeed Charlie, and insisted on doing it herself (which is downright weird). For some reason, Annie even creates a miniature diorama commemorating this bizarre bit of family history. 

There's even a shot of this diorama in the trailer, showing Ellen preparing to nurse Baby Charlie. Note that in the trailer version, Ellen's elderly breasts are mercifully covered by her nightgown.

When this scene appears in the actual film though, Ellen's left breast is most definitely exposed. Obviously there're rules against female nudity in movie trailers, but I guess that goes for DOLL boobs as well.

• During Ellen's eulogy, Annie looks out at the assembled mourners and says, "It's heartening to see so many strange, new faces here today. I know my mom would be very touched. And probably a little suspicious."

This is a brilliant and subtle little detail that doesn't become significant until after you've seen the film and had time to think about it. 

The "strange, new faces" at Ellen's funeral are all her fellow members of the Cult Of Paimon, who've come to pay their respects! Of course Annie's never seen them before, because at this point in the film she has no idea her mom was "Queen" of a cult!

• After Ellen's death, Annie sneaks out of the house and attends a grief counseling meeting. She's too shy and embarrassed to talk at first, so she just sits silently and listens. Then suddenly she starts spewing a torrent of lurid and appalling details about her family, including the fact that her father starved himself to death, her brother hung himself because he thought his mother "put a person in his head," and more.

I'd have given anything if the camera had slowly pulled back from Annie, revealing the other members of the group slowly and discreetly backing away from her in horror and sneaking out of the gym!

• I feel bad saying this about a young girl, but Milly Shapiro, who plays Charlie, is one creepy-ass looking kid. There's something unsettling and... off about her, which I'm sure is just what every awkward adolescent girl wants to hear.

• There's a definite decapitation theme running through this movie. Charlie cuts off a dead bird's head to use in a craft project. Later she's decapitated in a ghastly accident. Annie finds Ellen's headless, rotting corpse in her attic. And finally Annie saws off her own head at the end of the film.

I have no idea what all this means, but it's most definitely a thing in the film.

• I was definitely NOT expecting this movie to kill off a thirteen year old girl in such a brutal and horrific manner, and especially not at the end of the first act. After Charlie's death, I sat in the theater honestly wondering where the hell the story could possibly go from there. 

It was actually a good feeling (well, you know what I mean) not knowing what was going to happen next, as most of the time I can see every single plot point coming from a mile off. 

Now I know how audiences felt in 1960 when they saw Psycho for the first time!

• Charlie's accident scene was masterfully shot and (pardon the expression) executed. The director ratcheted up the tension by showing Charlie panicking as she suffocated in the back seat of the SUV, as Peter desperately tried to get her to the hospital. The audience is so focused on her plight, that we're completely blindsided when she's gruesomely decapitated.

But the scene doesn't stop there! Immediately after Charlie's killed, we see a long shot of the SUV as it screeches to a halt and sits motionless, for what seems like a full minute of screen time. Director Ari Aster holds interminably on the scene, as the audience waits for confirmation that what they think they just saw really happened. 

We then get an extreme closeup of Peter, who stares straight ahead with the realization that his life just changed forever. He then slowly drives home, enters his house, climbs into bed fully clothed and lays there all night, hoping against hope that this is all a ghastly nightmare and he'll wake up any second.

It's a brilliant scene, one that manages to be extremely disturbing and upsetting without containing a single drop of gore. By focusing the camera on Peter and his reaction, Charlie's death becomes much more shocking than if it would if it were actually shown. It's an impressive achievement.

By the way, I've read online comments calling Peter an asshole and a coward for "hiding in bed" and leaving his poor sister's headless body in the back of the SUV all night. Sigh... HE WAS IN SHOCK, you nimrods! He's not a terrible person; he was simply overwhelmed by the situation and had no idea what to do next. His actions actually felt pretty realistic to me, as it seems like something a teen would actually do in such a case.

• As upsetting and disturbing as the accident was, it couldn't hold a candle to Annie's reaction to Charlie's death. She collapses to the floor in unimaginable pain and grief, wailing that she wants to die. The director holds on the shot for an uncomfortably long time, and it was legitimately hard to watch.

Kudos to Toni Collette for turning in such a realistic, raw and fearless performance. In that instant I honestly believed her pain was real.

If Collette doesn't at least get nominated for a Best Actress Oscar, than the Academy might as well just close up shop!

• I knew from the second she opened her mouth that Joan was up to no good, and was secretly manipulating Annie. That said, I did NOT foresee that she was part of a coven attempting to resurrect one of the Kings Of Hell.

• When the Paimon hooey finally started up in the final minutes of the film, I assumed the director pulled it all directly out of his ass. Nope! Turns out Paimon is a real demon! Well, not real, but you know what I mean.

Paimon (sometimes spelled "Paymon") is a king of Hell who commands two hundred legions— half from the Angelic Order and the rest from the Order Of Powers, whatever that is. He usually appears as a man with a woman's face (!), riding a camel and wearing a headdress made of precious stones.

Paimon has knowledge of past and future events (well we ALL have knowledge of past events, don't we?) and will truthfully answer any question asked of him. He can revel hidden treasures (which is why the cult wants to resurrect him so badly), fly and reanimate the dead.

As you can see in the image above, Paimon even has his own logo sacred symbol.

Note that this exact symbol appears all over the movie. Ellen's wearing the symbol on a chain as she lies in her casket, and Annie's seen wearing one just like it when she delivers the eulogy.

So kudos to Ari Aster for googling demons, and reading all about Paimon!

• At one point Annie enters Peter's room and sees he's being eaten alive by ants. She screams and wakes up, as she's been sleepwalking. Peter asks her what she's doing, and she tells him she tried to abort him before he was born. She then wakes up again, but this time in her own bed. 

Yep, it's the old "dream within a dream" trope. I've had plenty of dreams in my life, but I've never, ever, not even once dreamed I was dreaming. In fact I'm confident that NO ONE has ever done this. It's a bit of screenwriting bullsh*t dreamed up by Hollywood, in an effort to trick audiences.

• For the majority of the runtime, it appears that the film is about Annie's slow descent into madness, her fear that she inherited her condition from her mother and may pass it to her son and the disintegration of her family.

Then at literally the last minute, the movie starts up its REAL plot, one which involves cults, witchcraft and demonic possession. 

The switch is so sudden and abrupt you could get whiplash from watching it. And this isn't just a little plot twist, like "the butler did it."Hereditary pretty much starts up a whole new film in its final fifteen minutes.

Unexpected? Sure. Shocking? Absolutely. Well handled? Definitely not. 

Unfortunately the real plot arrives so late that it's never given the room to breathe, or a chance for it to develop. The audience is too exhausted by this point to have to pay attention to ANOTHER plot. I couldn't believe they were troweling on all the Paimon stuff in the final ten minutes, and was sure it was all another of Annie's nightmares, and she'd wake up any second.

It's not that I hated the Paimon ending— in fact I kind of liked it. It was definitely unexpected, which is always a plus in my book. I just wish it had more of a buildup, to give the audience time to properly buy into it.

• There's a lot to unpack in the final ten minutes of the movie, as it goes completely off the rails and deep into "What The Hell?" territory. So much so that it's hard to understand exactly what happened. For the record, here's my take on the ending.

Ellen and her cult were trying to resurrect Paimon for many, many years. She even tried using her son as a vessel for the demon, which prompted him to kill himself because his mother "put voices in his head."

Ellen then wanted Paimon to possess Peter, but Annie put her foot down and wouldn't let her mother near her son. When Charlie was born, Annie relented for some reason and let Ellen have access to her. Ellen then began breastfeeding her own granddaughter, which is just downright wrong.

Somehow Paimon then possessed Charlie, possibly while she was still in the womb. This explains why she was so weird and awkward. Unfortunately this wouldn't do, as Paimon's a male demon and couldn't go around occupying a female body.

I'm not sure if Ellen's death was part of the long-term plan, or it just happened. Either way, Joan then took over for Ellen, gaining Annie's trust and manipulating her while carrying out the plan.

The cult somehow used its power to orchestrate Charlie's gruesome death. We know this because we see the symbol of Paimon carved into the utility pole that decapitates Charlie.

Once Charlie was dead, the cult planned for him to move into Peter's body. But first, Joan told Annie about a seance she performed, in which she contacted her late grandson. She gave Annie a book of magic words to recite, so she could contact Charlie. In reality, the words didn't conjure up Charlie's spirit, but Paimon's! Clever!

Annie's then seemingly possessed by some kind of evil spirit— most likely Paimon— as she crawls around on the ceiling and chases Peter into the attic. She then saws off her own head, which probably isn't physically possible, but whatever.

Annie's headless body floats into the treehouse, where it joins the noggin-less corpse of her mother. Peter kills himself, and is finally possessed by Paimon. He enters the treehouse, where Joan and her fellow cultists place a crown on his head.

Your mileage may vary, but that's how I saw the ending.

Hereditary is an extremely and unsettling psychological horror film, filled with unsettling scenes that are genuinely hard to watch and will stick with you long after it's over. It features top notch performances by the entire cast, especially Toni Collette, who deserves an Oscar for her role of a woman slowly going mad. The best thing about the movie is that I literally had no idea what was going to happen next, which is a rarity these days. It flies off the rails in its final minutes though, as it tries to start up an entirely new movie. If you can get past that, you'll probably enjoy it. I give it a B+.


                       


                           
                       
                     


                   


                   
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