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Eclipse Day 2017!

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Hope everyone had a lovely Eclipse Day yesterday!

We ended up having a little impromptu Eclipse Party at work. It started here around noon, which worked out perfectly as that was everyone's lunchtime. I walked out to the lake behind our building, thinking I'd be the only one out there, but I was surprised to see about ten or twelve people already there. By the time totality hit at 1:24 PM, there were probably fifty or sixty people staring up at the sky. A few of the managers even came out to gawk at the sky. Eh, what the heck? It only happens every twenty eight years or so!


My home town of Evansville was in the path of 99% totality. I thought for sure that'd be enough to snuff out the light altogether, but apparently not. It got kind of twilight-ish, but it never actually got completely dark, which was kind of disappointing. Shows how powerful the sun is, though— even 1% of it is enough to light the world! I  guess if I want to see darkness, I need to be in the 100% totality path. Lesson learned.

Even though it didn't get completely dark, it was still a pretty cool experience. It was like it was evening, but the sun was somehow still overhead, which was just plain wrong. It got dark enough that the parking lot lights came on! And the thrice-damned cicadas started chirping. And the temperature actually dropped! It was a very miserable and muggy 97º before the eclipse started, but it was actually quite comfortable during totality!

A thought occurred to me while watching the eclipse (and yes, I had the special glasses on). All my life I've heard tales of how ancient civilization would freak out during eclipses, fearing the sun was going out or being eaten by a giant demon. I wonder how much of that is actually true, and how much is myth?

Most ancient people had a pretty good understanding of the sky. Far more than the average citizen does today! They kind of had to— they kept track of the planets and stars to determine when to plant their crops, when the rainy season started and so on. They probably understood that every now and then the moon would cover up the sun for a spell.

Even if they were ignorant of eclipses, they don't last all that long. Usually two minutes, tops. That doesn't really seem like enough time for an entire ancient city to freak out. Seems like people would think, "Hey, what's going on? It's noon and getting dark already? OH MY GOD, IT CAN ONLY MEAN A GIANT SKY SNAKE IS DEVOURING THE SU... OK, everything's back to normal. Back to work, everyone!"

Lastly, I'll leave you with this. For months before Eclipse Day, the media warned everyone ad infinitum that staring at the sun is a bad thing that can cause irreparable eye damage, and to only view it through specially approved glasses.

So of course this happened at the White House yesterday...

And this.

And even this.

I... I just don't know anymore.

In the interest of fairness, this also happened a bit later. But Jesus Jetskiing Christ...

Buzz Off!

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Walked into my kitchen a couple days ago and found one of these things lying dead on the floor (the bug, not the Tic Tacs). It's a cicada killer!

They're a type of wasp that's common in the eastern half of the country. Unlike typical wasps which are social and build giant communal nests above ground, cicada killers are solitary and dig underground burrows.


Once a female digs its nest, it then cruises around looking for cicadas. When they find one they paralyze it with their stinger, then carry it through the air and drag it into their nest. They then lay an egg on top of the cicada, which hatches in just a couple of days. This larva feeds on the paralyzed cicada, much like the chest bursters in the ALIEN movie! Jesus, sometimes nature is horrifying!

The larva then mature in about two weeks, and enter a cocoon stage. They remain in that state until the next summer, when a fully mature cicada killer emerges from the cocoon, exits the underground nest and the whole cycle starts all over again.

My backyard has been lousy with cicada killers for the past month or so. Fortunately, despite their large size and terrifying appearance, they're virtually harmless (unless you're a cicada). Only the females have stingers, and they won't use it to attack unless they're stepped on or you try to grab one. I've walked through big buzzing swarms of them in my yard and they all completely ignored me.

A lot of people try to rid their yards of 'em, but personally I think it's best to just leave them be. They're actually somewhat beneficial, as they kill cicadas which can seriously injure your trees. Yeah, they do dig holes in your yard, but I don't think it's that big a deal. The holes are small, maybe a bit wider than a pencil, and the dirt they displace is about the size of an anthill. They only live for about two months, so they're a short-lived nuisance. Personally I think it's kind of cool to see a huge, scary-looking wasp that's not actively trying to kill me.

It Came From The Cineplex: The Dark Tower

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The Dark Tower was written by Akiva Goldsman (oy!), Jeff Pinkner (double oy), Anders Thomas Jensen and Nikolaj Arcel. Yep, believe it or not, it took a whopping FOUR people to write this gem. It was directed by Nikolaj Arcel.

Goldsman is a prolific and VERY uneven screenwriter, who previously penned The Client, Batman Forever (!), A Time To Kill, Batman & Robin (!!), Lost In Space (!!!), A Beautiful Mind, I, Robot, Cinderella Man, The Da Vinci Code, I Am Legend, Angels & Demons, Winter's Tale, Insurgent and The 5th Wave. You read right— somehow the man responsible for the Oscar-winning A Beautiful Mind also wrote the execrable Batman & Robin! The world is a very strange and nonsensical place.

Pinkner has mostly worked in TV, writing episodes of Ally McBeal, Profiler, Alias, LOST and Fringe. He also co-wrote The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (the one with Electro) and The 5th Wave. Jensen is a Danish writer with fifty one credits to his name, not a single one of which I've ever heard of.

Arcel is a writer and director, who previously helmed King's Game (?), Island Of Lost Souls (??), Truth About Men (???) and A Royal Affair (????).

The film's VERY loosely based on Stephen King's The Gunslinger series of books.

It's a bland, dull and mediocre film that tries to cram eight books worth of world-building and mythology into its brief ninety five minute runtime. Little of what's happening is ever explained and none of the scenes are ever given proper time to breathe, as it races from one nonsensical setpiece to the next.

As a result of this breakneck pace, none of the various characters have any motivation, as they do the things they do simply because it says so in the script. For example, main baddie Walter wants to topple the titular Dark Tower, which will destroy the entire multiverse. But why? What's he plan to do after that? What's in it for him? Where's he gonna keep all his stuff once the universe is gone? Apparently it's none of our business, as the reasons for his villainy are never addressed.

The Dark Tower is a Sony film, which explains everything. Sony Pictures is the wonderful studio that pumps out hit after hit, year after year to universal critical accla... HAW, HAW, HAW! Sorry, I couldn't finish that sentence with a straight face. Sony's the absolute worst, as they consistently turn out flop after flop. Why, in just the past three years they've produced such wonderful films as:

The Monuments Men • Robocop (2014)
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 • 22 Jump Street • Think Like A Man Too
Sex Tape • The Equalizer • Fury • The Interview • Chappie
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 • Aloha • Pixels • Ricki and the Flash 
Hotel Transylvania 2 • The Walk • Goosebumps • Freaks of Nature 
Spectre • The Night Before • The 5th Wave • The Brothers Grimsby
Money Monster • Angry Birds • The Shallows • Ghostbusters 2016
Sausage Party • The Magnificent Seven • Inferno • Passengers
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter • Underworld: Blood Wars
Life • Smurfs: The Lost Village • Rough Night

With the exception of Spider-Man: Homecoming (which they made with the help of Marvel Studios) and Baby Driver, this year was another grim one for Sony. Seeing them desperately try to come up with a hit is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Virtually every decision they make as a corporation is wrong. How the hell do Anthony Vinciquerra and Tom Rothman keep their jobs?

An example of some of Sony's brilliant thinking: Ever since the success of the Harry Potter and Hunger Games films, studios have been scouring bookstores, desperately searching for series they can turn into lucrative movie franchises. Stephen King's The Gunslinger Saga consists of a whopping EIGHT books, just waiting for some savvy filmmaker to come along and adapt them.

Yet for some unfathomable reason, Sony chose to ignore all that and make ONE short film that bears little or no resemblance to the source material. What the hell? Why wouldn't they hire a top notch writer and director and simply film all eight books? It's like a license to print money! Yes, yes, I've read the articles that claimed the books are "unfilmable." But that's what they used to say about The Lord Of The Rings, and look how that turned out. With the right talent, nothing's impossible. Jesus Christ, is it any wonder Sony's film division is bleeding cash?

The Dark Tower has been in Development Hell as far back as 2007, when the "dream team" of JJ Abrams, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof (shudder) were attached to the project. Fresh off the success of LOST, they were thought to be the perfect candidates to translate the book to the screen. Abrams and the others eventually bowed out, as they were unwilling to take on another lengthy project while still working on LOST.

After that Ron Howard was set to direct an adaptation which would alternate between theatrical films and TV series, which sounds needlessly complicated. Unfortunately Universal Studios got cold feet, slashing the budget before scrapping the project altogether.

Sony then picked up the project, scheduling it for a January 2017 release, with Nikolaj Arcel attached to direct, and Ron Howard staying on as producer. Sony then pushed the film back to February. As we all know, any time a movie is pushed back for any reason, it's ALWAYS a bad, bad sign. Sure enough, poor test screenings caused Sony to contemplate replacing Arcel with "a more experienced filmmaker," until Howard talked them out of it for some reason.

Sony then spent a whopping $6 million on reshoots to refine the confusing story and flesh out Idris Elba's Roland character. The movie was then pushed back to July 28, 2017, and finally to August 4. Oy. I hope all that was worth it, Sony!

The fact that The Dark Tower is a dud should come as no surprise to anyone, as the red flags were there months before the film premiered. The mild PG-13 rating angered and upset fans of the books who thought it warranted an R. The film's slim $60 million budget meant the filmmakers wouldn't be able to properly realize King's intricately described alien vistas. And the short runtime meant there was no way the nuances of the story could ever be properly adapted.

In the end, The Dark Tower doesn't seem to be a film for anyone. Fans of the books will be put off by how much is left out, while newbies will be completely lost by the truncated mythology and dimension-hopping. It's a movie without a country, so to speak.

Oddly enough this isn't even a proper adaptation of the book series, but is actually a SEQUEL to it. How can that be, you ask? How can you make a sequel before you make the original? WARNING! SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS AHEAD! The way I understand it, the Gunslinger character spends the whole series searching for the Dark Tower. He finally finds it in the final book, only to discover he's been there many times before. He's cursed to play out the same quest over and over for eternity as some sort of cosmic punishment. Apparently this film is not an adaptation of the books, but instead represents the next cycle in the Gunslinger's never-ending quest to destroy the Tower, and explains how Sony can make a sequel before it films the original. Ugh. I can't imagine a more unsatisfactory scenario.

For the record, I know little or nothing about The Gunslinger series. I tried to read the first book many years ago, but just couldn't get into it and gave up after fifty pages. I've been told by many people that this is common, as the first book is a hard read, but "once you get past that, it gets really good!" Thanks, but I read books for pleasure, not pain. I don't want to have to slog through one I don't like just to get to the "good stuff."

Anyway, because I'm not steeped in all the mythology, I didn't despise the movie. I didn't like it by any means, but I couldn't summon up the conviction to actually hate it. It honestly made me feel nothing one way or the other. It feels like there are things going on just under the surface, that the film doesn't care to share with the audience. I have a feeling if I was a fan of the books this film would have made my head explode.

Supposedly producer Ron Howard has plans to turn The Gunslinger books into a TV series that's connected to this film. Yeah, that's never gonna happen. At least not for several years, until the stench of this film has faded from the public's mind.

The Dark Tower had a VERY modest budget of just $60 million, which is surprising in these days of $200 million blockbusters. So far it's only managed to gross an anemic $44 million here in the States, and $43 million overseas, for a total of $88 million. As you're tired of hearing me say, due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies need to gross around twice their production budgets just to break even. It seems extremely unlikely The Dark Tower will ever reach the $120 million amount, much less surpass it. Chalk it up as yet another disappointment for Sony.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
A helpful caption gives us a brief rundown on the Dark Tower. Apparently the Tower exists in the center of the multiverse, and somehow protects all the various parallel Earths from ravenous CGI monsters. If the Tower ever falls, all universes (universi?) will be doomed.

On End-World (I think that's what it's called— honestly, it doesn't matter), a group of children frolic in slow motion in an idyllic playground. Suddenly a harsh klaxon sounds, and the kids line up and file into a large, bucket-shaped building. Inside, strange creatures (known as the Low Men, although I don't think the movie ever calls them that) wearing human masks pick one of the children and strap her into a chair. They fit an apparatus to her head, which drains her brain power or life essence or something. The Man In Black, aka Johnny Cash, er, I mean Walter O'Dim (played by Matthew McConaughey) looks on. The child's energy is then catapulted into the air, where it sails across the sky and slams into the side of the Dark Tower (!). Fortunately for us, it doesn't destroy it.

Cut to our world, which for some reason is called Keystone Earth. We're introduced to Jake Chambers, an eleven year old boy who lives in New York City. Jake has vivid nightmares about the Dark Tower, the Man In Black and a mysterious Gunslinger who opposes him. Jake draws his visions and plasters his room with them, much to the concern of his mother, who's afraid he's been traumatized by the recent death of his father.

When Jake gets into a fight at school, his principal contacts his mother, suggesting she send him to an upstate psychiatric hospital. When the hospital officials arrive at his apartment, Jake recognizes them as Low Men, and sneaks out.

With nowhere else to go, Jake tracks down a mysterious abandoned house he saw in one of his dreams. Inside he accidentally activates a machine (complete with old school dial-up modem sound effects!) that opens a portal to another dimension. He's then attacked by a "house demon," and runs through the portal to escape it. He emerges in the barren landscape of Mid-World, as the portal closes behind him. Jakes looks up and sees several large planets hanging in the sky, in a shot designed to show even the dimmest audience member that this is another planet.

Jake  wanders the desert landscape, slowly dying of thirst, until he encounters Roland Deschain, the Last Gunslinger (played by Idris Elba). Jake recognizes Roland from his visions, and asks to tag along. Roland has near supernatural skill with his guns, and can kill virtually anything. He's seeking revenge against the Man In Black, who killed his father Steven (played in a flashback by Dennis Haysbert, the Allstate commercial guy).

As the two travel through the wasteland, Roland infodumps the story of the Man In Black and the Dark Tower to Jake. He takes him to a village, where a Seer senses that Jake has the Shine, aka psychic powers. Right on cue, Walter detects Jake's psychic energy, realizing it's powerful enough to topple the Tower for good. He travels to Keystone Earth, determined to find Jake. He kills Jake's stepfather, then interrogates his mother before killing her as well. He admires Jake's drawings, and somehow figures out that he went to Mid-World. He sends his minions (called the Taheen) to Mid-World to capture Jake.

Meanwhile in the village, the Seer tells Roland where to find Walter's secret base in New York on Keystone Earth. Before they can go, the Taheen arrive, attack the villagers and capture Jake. Roland easily shoots 'em all dead. He and Jake then use a portal to travel to New York, in a desperate attempt to give the movie's budget a break.

There's suddenly lots of "hilarious" fish out of water humor, as Roland is amazed by the sights and sounds of New York. Jake returns to his apartment (which seems like a bad idea, as it's probably the first place the Man In Black would look for him) and finds the bodies of his parents. Roland comforts Jake, and vows to avenge them. He teaches Jake the Gunslinger's Creed ("I shoot with my heart, not with my hand" or some such nonsense) and shows Jake how to fire a gun.

Jake takes Roland to an gun shop, where he "comically" robs the owner and stocks up on ammo. Just then Walter shows up and captures Jake. He drags Jake back to his HQ in New York, and uses a portal to take him to End-World.

Walter watches breathlessly while his minions hook Jake up to his Tower-destroying machine. Back on Keystone Earth, Roland battles Walter's henchmen. Jake sends a psychic signal to Roland, telling him where he is. Roland's about to travel to End-World, when Walter comes through the portal and confronts him. They have an epic (sort of) battle, as Roland fires shot after shot at Walter, who easily catches or deflects each one. Finally Roland uses a trick shot to ricochet a bullet off a wall, which strikes Walter in the head, killing him instantly. That was easy! A little too easy, if you ask me!

Roland enters the portal to End-World, frees Jake and destroys Walter's machine. Hooray, the Dark Tower is saved! Roland tells Jake that he can't stay on Keystone Earth (although why is apparently none of our business). He points out that Jake has no reason to stay either, and invites him to join him on further film adventures that'll never happen. They both enter the portal to Mid-World.

Thoughts:
• Honestly there's not much to say about this cinematic turd, so this'll be mercifully brief.

• Months before the movie premiered, the internet went crazy over the news that English actor Idris Elba had been cast as Roland The Gunslinger (despite the fact that Stephen King said he based the character on Clint Eastwood). Social Justice Warriors praised this progressive, colorblind casting.


Annnnnnd then Elba was immediately demoted to second fiddle status, as the filmmakers inexplicably chose to shift the movie's focus onto the Jake character. So much for diversity! Who needs a strong black actor as your lead, when you can cast an unknown child?

I assume they made this change so they could use Jake as an expository device. Once he enters Mid-World he has no idea what's going on and asks a ton of questions. Roland then explains what's happening to Jake, and by extension, the audience. It's a cheap trick used a lot by hack screenwriters.

• Javier Bardem, Viggo Mortensen, Russell Crowe and Liam Neeson were all considered for the role of Roland The Gunslinger. Eh, honestly I don't think it mattered who played him. Movie Roland bears so little resemblance to the book version that they could have cast Danny DeVito and it wouldn't have made any difference.


Personally I wasn't happy with either of the film's leads, as I felt they were both severely miscast. Idris Elba looked suitably heroic, but I thought he was too stern and humorless to be likable. He'd have made a much more suitable villain, in my opinion. On the other hand, Matthew McConaughey as The Man In Black was a bit too easy going to be the literal embodiment of evil. I think it would have worked out much better if Elba and McConaughey had swapped roles.


• The Dark Tower had a budget of just $60 million, and it shows! Everything looks cheap and uninspired, like it's an episode of a TV series. Heck, Game Of Thrones has better production values than this thing.

A good part of this cost-cutting was accomplished by having a large hunk of the story take place on Earth. The filmmakers would have to create every single aspect of Mid-World. If the characters come to New York, then the film crew doesn't have to build anything!

• Jake suffers from terrifying visions of the Dark Tower and The Man In Black. To cope with this he draws the things he sees in his nightmares.

He's quite an artist for a kid, with a very eclectic style. In fact it almost looks like his drawings were done by several different production artists working on a film crew, who all had different levels of talent. But that's impossible, right?


• At one point Roland takes Jake to a village, where he's examined by a mystic Seer. Shortly afterward the Taheen invade the village and kill the Seer. Hmm... she must not have been much of a psychic if she didn't see her own death coming.


• So Walter's a sorcerer who possesses terrifying supernatural powers. In fact he can even kill just by telling people to "stop breathing." And yet this ultra powerful demon is killed by a simple bullet to the head. Really, that's it? That's all it takes to kill what is basically the Devil incarnate? Talk about anti-climactic!


• An early poster for the film showed Roland with his trademark guns, which were glowing with a cool blue light. Unfortunately there's no gun glow in the actual movie. They're just plain old six shooters, forged from Excalibur or something.

So what happened? Why'd the director change his mind about the glowing guns?

This is just my theory, so it could be completely wrong, but I think they changed it because of Legends Of Tomorrow. Over on that show, former Time Master Rip Hunter wears a full length duster much like Roland's, and his weapon of choice is a futuristic six shooter that fires blue energy bolts!

I'm betting the filmmakers planned for Roland's guns to glow blue until someone on the crew flipped on The CW, saw Legends Of Tomorrow, said, "Son of a bitch!" and changed their minds.

• 
Almost all of Stephen King's novels and short stories take place in various realities that are linked together by The Dark Tower series. For example, Randall Flagg, the evil antagonist of King's The Stand, is supposedly an aspect of Walter O'Dim.

Of course at just ninety five minutes, the movie has no time to adequately dive into any of these connections. Instead it packs the screen with tons of references, shout-outs and Easter eggs. Most of these will sail far, far over the head of the average viewer, while likely infuriating fans of the books.

Ultimately these references are completely meaningless, as they have absolutely nothing to do with the plot. The movie's basically shouting, "Hey, remember this?" over and over. Even worse, these constant references will likely infuriate fans of the books, as they shake their heads and realize what could have been.

Anyway, here are a few of the King connections in The Dark Tower. There may be even more, but I honestly don't care.

At one point Jake visits his psychiatrist, to discuss his visions. We get a very conspicuous shot of the doctor's desk, which contains a framed photo of the Overlook Hotel, which was the setting of 1980s The Shining.

Note to would-be directors— it's never a good idea to remind the audience of a better movie while they're watching yours.

Also, the Seer tells Jake that he has "The Shine," aka psychic powers. That's exactly what Dick Halloran called Danny Torrance's supernatural ability in The Shining. This is a movie-only connection though, as in The Dark Tower books psychic powers are called "The Touch."

Early in the film there's a scene in which Jake plays with a red toy car. This is obviously a reference to Christine, the evil 1958 Plymouth Fury from the book and movie of the same name.

While wandering through Mid-World, Jake finds an abandoned theme park called "Pennywise." That's of course the name of the evil clown in King's It.

Roland enters Jake's room on Keystone Earth, and sees a message— complete with smiley face— from Walter. Supposedly this is a reference to King's 2014 novel Mr. Mercedes.

Over on End-World, Walter has a copy of Misery's Child. It was written by Paul Sheldon, the novelist hero of King's Misery.

When Jake discovers the portal, the numbers "1408" are scribbled above it. That's a reference to 2007's 1408 (starring John Cusack), which was based on King's short story of the same name.

On Keystone Earth, Roland takes a long hard look at a poster of actress Rita Hayworth, which is of course a shoutout to King's The Shawshank Redemption.

Also on Keystone Earth, Roland stops near a store sign that reads "Barlow and Straker." They were "partners" who ran an antiques store in King's vampire novel 'Salem's Lot.

There's also a very quick shot of a woman walking a St. Bernard on Keystone Earth. That's gotta be a reference to King's Cujo. There's no other reason for it to appear!

I don't have a photo of it, but after the Taheen invade the village, Jake hides out in a cornfield. This is likely a nod to King's Children Of The Corn.

As I said, this is all meaningless window-dressing, added in a desperate attempt to make the film look like a proper adaptation of the books.

The Dark Tower is a bland and mediocre film that's VERY loosely based on Stephen King's eight book series. It fails in every measurable sense though, as newcomers will have little or no idea what's going on, and fans of the novels will be infuriated by how much was left out. Skip it and read the books instead. As someone who's not read the books, I give it a well-deserved C-. If I were a fan of the books I'd probably give it a D!

Happy 100th Birthday To Jack Kirby!

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Happy Belated Birthday to the one and only Jack Kirby, who would have been one hundred years young on 8/28. 

Kirby passed away back in 1994, but fortunately fir us his amazing body of work lives on. Kirby, together with writer Stan Lee, created most of the Marvel Comics Universe back in the 1960s. The two of them had an unusual working relationship, which they dubbed the "Marvel Method." First they'd briefly discuss a general idea for a plot. Kirby would go off and draw the whole thing, often adding new characters and ideas they'd never talked about. Then Lee would come in and write the dialogue over the art. It was an offbeat way of producing comics, but it worked! And how!

I've been a fan of Kirby's bold, stylized work ever since I was old enough to hold a comic book. He had the ability to infuse his drawings with action an energy, resulting in still images that almost looked like they were moving. 

His characters also stretched the boundaries of human anatomy to often ridiculous lengths. It's like he broke the rules and put them back together in a completely new and different way for his own purposes. Somehow it worked though, as his figures always conveyed an amazing sense of power and grace.

Oddly enough, Jack Kirby actually LOOKED many of the characters he drew! Or maybe it's the other way around.

Kirby's influence lives on in comics of course, and in film as well. There would be no Marvel Studios movies without Jack Kirby, as every frame is filled with his characters, designs and ideas. It's too bad he didn't live to see the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Happy 100th, Jack Kirby!

The Secret Revealed!

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Happy Force Friday II! What's Force Friday II, you ask? Why, just like the original Force Friday, it's the day Hasbro and other companies flood every retail establishment in the land with new Star Wars action figures, Legos, playsets, electronics, clothing and more. Best of all, this flood of brand new merchandise will be piled on top of all the stuff that was released two years ago, and is still collecting dust on store shelves everywhere. It's a virtual avalanche of Star Warscrap, er, I mean product! What a time to be alive
Among the many, many, many items being released today is this action figure of Supreme Leader Snoke, perched on his snazzy new throne. Ever since Snoke first appeared in The Force Awakens, fans have been trying to guess just who he is. Could he somehow be a resurrected Emperor Palpatine? A clone of Darth Vader? Harrison Ford's agent?


Welp, after examining this new figures, the answer's clear. With his sumptuous, luxurious golden robes, there's only one person Snoke can be— the Librarian seen in Attack Of The Clones! It's the only possible answer!

2017 Box Office Predictions (September Thru December)

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You know the drill by now— my nephew Kyle and I like to predict whether Hollywood's latest blockbusters will be hits or flops. There were way too many movies to cover all in one go, so I'm splitting them up. The following reviews are for September through AugustYou can see our predictions for January through April here, and May through August here.

My comments are in red, while Kyle's are in blue. Note that he isn't making very many predictions this year, as he's only concerned with films he plans to see.

September
Wow, the pickin's are slim indeed this month! Looking at this list, there's maybe one lone movie I care about seeing. And then Hollywood wonders why ticket sales are down this year!

It
Based on Stephen King's 1986 novel. Children begin mysteriously disappearing from the sleepy town of Derry, Maine (of course). A group of kids band together to battle Pennywise, the evil, demonic clown that's responsible for the abductions. Premieres September 8.

The trailers for It look suitably creepy, and the new version of Pennywise is OK, I guess, but I'm seeing some red flags waving over the project. It's been in development hell since 2009 (!) and has gone through two different directors, which isn't exactly a good sign. It's currently being directed by Andres Muschietti, whose only previous film was the mediocre horror film Mama.

It also has three screenwriters, which is often a bad sign. Two of them have no credits of any note, while the third, Gary Dauberman, wrote Annabelle and Annabelle: Creation. That's not exactly filling me with confidence.

My biggest concern about the film is its structure. The book takes place in two separate time periods, following the characters when they're children and then later as adults. This film only follows the kid part of the story, saving the adult half— and Pennywise's ultimate demise— for an assumed sequel. This may not be a problem though, as splitting books into two films worked out pretty well for The Hunger Games and Twilight.

By the way, I wonder if this film will include the novel's "tween gang bang" scene? You know, the one in which a  bunch of twelve year olds have sex with one another to "strengthen their bonds" so they can defeat the evil Pennywise? Let's all pray to the movie gods that the producers skip that part.

Despite my reservations about the project, there's a HUGE amount of buzz surrounding this film, which surprises me, especially since The Dark Tower, which is also based on a Stephen King novel, is still stinking up a few screens around the country. The internet's been going batch*t nuts over It for months and months now, which makes me think it's gonna be a huge hit. This baffles me, as I have little or no desire to see it. Maybe the memories of the mediocre 1990 TV miniseries are coloring my views of the project.

The budget reportedly somewhere between $35 and $45 million, which sounds awfully low. If true, It is guaranteed to be a box office smash. On the other hand, it's rated R, so that'll no doubt cut into its gross. On the other other hand, there's little or no competition in September, so I'm confident it'll make around $200 - $250 million here in the States.


9/11
Charlie Sheen plays one of five people trapped in an elevator in the North Tower of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. He and the others struggle to escape before the building comes down around them. Premieres September 8 (I guess coming out on 9/11 would have been too much?).

You don't need to be Nostradamus to know this movie's gonna bomb hard. The trailer was met with gales of criticism, calling it "manipulative" and "beyond offensive." The fact that star Charlie Sheen is a known "9/11 Truther" doesn't help either.


I can't find any info on the movie's budget, but it looks pretty cheap (remember, most of it takes place inside an elevator!). I'm betting it's only gonna make around $15 million. If that!


mother!  
Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem play a couple (!) whose tranquil life is disturbed by a mysterious couple who come to live with them. Premieres September 15.

Yet another movie I have zero interest in seeing. There's all sorts of buzz surrounding it though, which again puzzles me.

It's got a great cast though. Naturally, the film continues the time-honored Hollywood tradition casting a leading man who's twice the age of his female love interest. It's directed by Darren Aronofsky, whose films are always stylish and well-made, but never tear up the box office. 

I can't find any info in it's budget (which seems to be a recurring theme), but I'm sure it's pretty low. I'm betting it'll make around $60 million here in the States.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Everyone's back for this second installment in the Kingsman franchise, including director Matthew Vaughn and 
Colin Firth, whose character died in the first movie, but apparently got better. Premieres September 22.

Finally, a movie I'm actually excited to see! The first film was a surprise box office hit, grossing an impressive $414 million worldwide against its slim $81 million budget. I expect this one to be just as popular, especially since there's little or no competition for it in September. I'm betting it'll make around $450 million worldwide.

Stronger
Jake Gyllenhaal stars in the true story of Jeff Bauman, the most famous victim of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. 
Premieres September 22.

The trailer looks interesting, but I have a couple of concerns about the film. Patriots Day (which was also about the Boston bombing) came out last year and was a huge box office flop, so that's not a good sign. Secondly it's directed by David Gordon Green, whose previous work includes the stoner comedies The Sitter, Your Highness and Pineapple Express (!). An odd choice for a serious biopic.

Again, no budget info. I predict it'll make around $35 - $40 million here.

Battle of the Sexes
The story of the infamous 
1970s tennis match between Bobby Riggs (played by Steve Carell) and Billie Jean King (played by Emma Stone). Jesus, I almost fell asleep just typing that sentence. Premieres September 22.

Despite the fact that this match was a HUGE media event back in the day, I don't see how you could make an entire film about it. I'll save you ten bucks— King won. It's directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, who previously helmed Little Miss Sunshine. I liked that film quite a bit, so I guess that's a good sign.

I suspect this'll have a fairly limited release, so I don't see it grossing over $30 million in the States.

Friend Request 
A college student unfriends a mysterious girl who turns out to be a demon that starts killing her classmates. Premieres September 22.

Hooray, another internet-themed horror film! Because the internet is scary, right? Right? Wrong.

This is a German film that was released there in 2016, and is just now finding its way to the States. As we all know, delayed release dates are always a bad, bad sign.

The film stars no one you've ever heard of, but the budget was a microscopic $6 million, so it'll have no problem turning a profit. I predict it'll make around $25 - $30 million.

The Lego Ninjago Movie
Six young warriors have to defend their island home of Ninjago. They're deadly warriors by night, but ordinary high school students by day. Premieres September 29.

The 2013 Lego Movie was a huge hit, grossing $470 million against its modest $60 million budget. This year's The Batman Lego Movie didn't do quite as well, making $311 million against its $80 million budget.

I suspect this film will continue that downward trend, grossing between $200 - $250 million in the States.

Flatliners
Five medical students are obsessed with the question of life after death. To find answers, they experiment by stopping their hearts for short periods to see what— if anything— lies beyond. 
Premieres September 29.

From the director of the original The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo comes this remake (?) of the 1990 supernatural thriller. There seems to be some confusion as to whether this is a straight up remake or a sequel. 

The original film was pretty big hit back in the day (grossing the equivalent of $114 million), but I honestly don't think there'll be much interest in this version. I'm betting it'll make around $50 million in the States.

American Made 
An airline pilot (played by Tom Cruise) begins working for the CIA and as a drug runner in South America during the 1980s. Premieres September 29.

Tom Cruise hasn't exactly been burning up the box office lately, as he's had a string of flops here (coughThe Mummy cough). As usual, Cruise's love interest is played by a woman who's twenty two years younger than him. The film's directed by Doug Liman, who previously helmed several of the Bourne movies, as well as Cruise's Edge Of Tomorrow, so at least it's got that going for it. 

Sigh... I dunno. I don't see this being a huge hit. I think it'll make $60 million in the States, tops.


October
Yikes. October's not looking much better. Wouldn't it make sense to release a few horror films this month?

Blade Runner 2049
A young blade runner named "Officer K" (Ryan Gosling) discovers a long buried secret that could destroy what's left of future society. In an effort to save the world, he goes on a quest to find former blade runner Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) who's been missing for thirty years. Premieres October 6.

The last thing the world needs is a Blade Runner sequel, as the first film is a self-contained classic. I can't imagine this new entry's going to add anything worthwhile to the mythology, and will most likely tarnish the memory of the original.

It's directed by Denis Villeneuve, who previously helmed Sicario and Arrival, which were both great films. And original Blade Runner screenwriter Hampton Fancher is back as well, so who knows? It might actually turn out OK. As long as they all ignore original director Ridley's Scott's asinine idea that Deckard was actually a replicant, we'l probably be OK.

The film supposedly has a runtime of nearly three butt-numbing hours though, which is going to limit how many times a day it can be shown, which will severely affect the box office. I honestly don't think it'll be a smash hit, even with Ryan Gosling as a draw. Arrival made around $100 million in the States, and I think this'll do about the same. $120 million tops.

I've seen the original Blade Runner, and I don't see what all the fuss was about. It's not a bad movie, far from it, but aside from the fantastic visuals, I wasn't that invested in the plot. Maybe it's just because similar themes have been explored in so many other movies since it's initial release such as Total Recall and Minority Report, among others, and the impact of seeing it fresh was lost on me. It's also possible that, with five different cuts of the movie available, I picked the wrong one to watch.

That said, I'm not sure how the public will react to this one. This appears to be a direct sequel, however, I'm not sure how many people have actually seen the original. I love the director of this movie, Denis Villeneuve (if you haven't seen his 2014 film Enemy, go see it now). Villeneuve's name has been tossed around as a potential direct of a new adaptation of Dune and I would love to see that.

Box office prediction: No idea. It's not a well known property, but Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling should give it some credibility. May do slightly better than the directors last outing, Arrival, so somewhere in the range of $250-$300 million.


Bob here again. Funny you should mention Blade Runner's themes being similar to those in Total Recall and Minority Report. All three films are based on the work of the late sci-fi author Phillip K. Dick, who's favorite plot seemed to be "What does it mean to be human?"

The Mountain Between Us
A small plane carrying two strangers (played by Idris Elba and Kate Winslet) crash-lands on a mountain. When they realize rescue isn't coming, they embark on a perilous journey through the wilderness. Premieres October 6.

The trailer looks mildly interesting, but it's directed by Many Abu-Assad, who's made nothing you've ever heard of before. I honestly don't see it being a huge hit, and think it'll likely gross around $40 - $50 million.

My Little Pony
A dark force threatens Ponyville (?) and the Ponies have to use the magic of friendship to save their home. Oy. Premieres October 13.


How the hell is a My Little Pony movie just now a thing? The revamped series has been around since 2010! I can't believe this film was seven years in the making.

It's a kid's movie, which ordinarily would guarantee it at least $100 million. My Little Pony's a special case though, as kids can watch the series every week on TV, which might make some parents reluctant to shell out ticket money. I'll say it'll gross about $150 million.


Happy Death Day

A young college student is killed on campus, but keeps waking up again on the morning of her death. She'll keep on reliving the same day over and over until she can solve her own murder. Premieres October 13. 

So this is basically every slasher movie ever made crossed with Groundhog Day. It's directed by Christopher Landon (son of Little House On The Prairie's Michael Landon!). Landon previously wrote Disturbia (not bad) and directed Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (bad) and Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse (just OK), so honestly this could go either way. The budget's a microscopic $5 million, so even if it's awful it's guaranteed to turn a profit. I'm guessing it'll make around $30 - $35 million.

The Snowman
A thriller about a detective (played by Michael Fassbender) who investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf was found wrapped around a creepy-looking snowman. Premieres October 20.

Before I make any box office prediction here, I'd just like to point out that Michael Fassbender plays a character named "Harry Hole." Um... what the hell?

The trailer has kind of a Seven-ish vibe to it, but honestly it didn't do much for me. It's directed by Tomas Alfredson, who also helmed the original Let The Right One In, which was pretty good. It's gonna make $60 million, tops.

Geostorm
A disaster porn film starring Gerard Butler as a man traveling to space in an attempt to fix Earth's out of control environment. Premieres October 20.

The trailer's batsh*t insane, and honestly looks like it could be a lot of fun. It's directed by Dean Devlin, who produced Independence Day and Godzilla 1998, so expect the same type of "Multiple Cliched Characters Battling Special Effects" films. The very similar San Andreas grossed $470 million worldwide a couple years ago, and I would expect this one to do pretty much the same. I'm guessing it'll make about $150 million here, and $300 million overseas.

Insidious Chapter 4
The always great Lynn Shaye returns for a fourth film, despite the fact that her character died in the first film (Um, SPOILERS!). Premieres October 20.


Wait, there was an Insidious 3? Wow, these movies are all starting to run together. I just read the online synopsis and it didn't ring a single bell. Either I didn't see it, or I sat through it and completely forgot about it by the time I got back to my car. 

The first film made a decent $54 million, the second a respectable $83 million, and the third dropped to $52 million. I would expect that downward trend to continue. I think it'll make around $40 - $50 million here.

Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween
Madea and her friends visit a haunted campground and run for their lives when monsters are unleashed. Premieres October 20.

I guess that should properly be Tyler Perry's Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween. I've seen exactly one Madea movie in my life, as I caught it on Amazon Prime last year. All I'm gonna say about it is that it was a hard watch, and these movies are obviously not made for me. Someone must like 'em though, as Perry keeps pumping them out year after year after year.

The Madea movies consistently gross about the same amount each time, like there's a very loyal core audience that dutifully trots out to see each one. The previous Boo! A Madea Halloween grossed an impressive $74 million against its slim $20 million budget. I would expect this one to do the same, or a little worse. I'm betting it'll make $65 million.


Jigsaw
Mutilated bodies begin turning up around the city, and the investigation points to John Kramer, aka the Jigsaw Killer, who's been dead for over a decade. Premieres October 27.

The first Saw film was massively profitable back in 2004, grossing an astonishing $103 million worldwide against its microscopic $1.2 million budget! That fact right there explains why there were a whopping SIX sequels! All of them except Saw VI have reliably grossed over $100 million worldwide, and I would expect this one to do the same. I'm betting it'll gross around $50 - $60 million here in the States, and $100 million overseas.

November

November's not looking a whole lot better than the other months. Other than the two superhero movies duking it out, there's still not much of interest playing. Isn't November supposed to be the kickoff of the big holiday movie season?

Thor: Ragnarok
In his third solo film, Thor teams up with the Hulk to prevent the evil goddess Helga from destroying Asgard. Premieres November 3.


One of the few films I'm actually looking forward to in 2017. It looks like a hell of a lot of fun, and will be the perfect antidote to DC's dour and dismal Justice League. It's helmed by Taika Watiti, who co-wrote, co-directed and co-starred in What We Do In The Shadows, which I liked quite a bit.

Thor The Dark World grossed $640 million worldwide, so I expect this one to do at least that well. I'm gonna say $700 million worldwide.

I liked Thor: The Dark World when I first saw it, but now it's one of those movies where every time you watch it, it gets worse. I'd like to see Thor have at least one good movie before they kill off the character in Infinity war, and this is the last chance for that to happen. Fingers crossed.

Box office prediction: $650-$725 million.

A Bad Moms Christmas

The gals from Bad Moms struggle to cope when their respective mothers come to visit for the holidays. Premieres November 3.

First of all, I understand why the title doesn't have an apostrophe in "Moms," but it's honestly driving me nuts. Plus it's just going to confuse our populace, which already has no clue when it comes to proper punctuation.

Anyway, I didn't see the first film, but it grossed an impressive $183 million worldwide against its tiny $20 million budget. Obviously that made a sequel inevitable. It's directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore, who, for good or ill, brought us the Hangover movies. I think this one'll do about the same as the first. I'm gonna say $180 million worldwide.

Blade Of The Immortal
An immortal warrior teams up with a young girl to seek revenge on the people who killed her family. Based on the popular manga. Premieres November 3.

The trailer looks fun, and it's the 100th film from director Takashi Miike, who brought us Ichi The Killer, One Missed Call, Zebraman and 13 Assassins, among many others. 

I guarantee this will have a limited release, playing in just a handful of cities. Couple that with its lengthy two hour and twenty minute runtime, and there's no way it's gonna be a huge hit. I'll be surprised if it makes over $30 million in the States.

Paddington 2
Paddington Bear works at a series of odd jobs to make enough money to buy the perfect present for Aunt Lucy's 100th birthday. Premieres November 10 (maybe?). 

I didn't see the original film, but it did quite well, grossing $268 million worldwide against its $55 million budget. The bulk of those ticket sales came from overseas, and I think that'll be the case again. I'm gonna say it'll make around $250 - $275 million.

Mayhem
A virus that lowers inhibitions (so it makes you drunk?) sweeps through a high rise office, causing the workers to become violent. Steven Yeun (of The Walking Dead) stars as the only employee not affected. Premieres November 10.

I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called The Belko Experiment. This is Steven Yeun's first post-Walking Dead gig, and will be a good indicator as to whether or not he has a career in theatrical films. If it's a flop, he'll need to either crawl back to TV or go into marketing.

The film's directed by Joe Lynch, whose only previous credit of note was Knights Of Badassdom. Oy. I don't see Mayhem being a huge hit, as it'll likely have a limited release. I'm betting it might make $30 million.


Justice League
After the "death" of Space Jesus, er, I mean Superman, Murder Man, er, I mean Batman and Wonder Woman recruit Kal Drogo, er, I mean Aquaman, Pointless Flash and Cyborg to defeat the evil Steppenwolf, minion of Darkseid. Premieres November 17.

Sigh... DC's latest in their increasingly desperate attempt to copy Marvel's success. So far the only DCEU movie worth watching was the one NOT directed by Zack Snyder (Wonder Woman). Hey, guess who directed this one?

Early test screenings called the film "unwatchable," so DC shoved Snyder aside and rushed in beloved nerd icon Joss Whedon (who directed Marvel's first two Avengers movies) to try and salvage what he could. Supposedly the film underwent MASSIVE reshoots, altering the personalities of various characters and changing the entire plot. Not a good sign.

Despite the fact that most DCEU movies are piles of hot garbage, they inexplicably gross hundreds of millions of dollars. Batman V Superman made $870 million worldwide (!), while the execrable Suicide Squad brought in an astonishing $745 million. What the hell is wrong with the general public?

Anyway, I would expect the Justice League movie to do no less, as audiences will flock to it to see a bunch of people in funny suits running around onscreen. I'm betting it'll gross around $800 million worldwide.

Coco
An animated tale of a young boy travels to the land of the dead to find out why his family hates music (?). Premieres November 22.


What the hell, Pixar? Didn't we just see this? Jesus, how many "Day Of The Dead" animated movies do we need? This one looks like they took The Book Of Life, mashed it up with Kubo And The Two Strings and called it a day. 

Thank the gods old and new it appears they cast actual latino actors in the film, so we won't have to hear six months of complaining about whitewashing in a goddamned cartoon.

This is a Pixar film, so no matter if it's good or bad it'll automatically make over $100 million. Their most recent effort Cars 3 grossed "just" $325 million, a far cry from their previous film Up, which brought in a whopping $774 million. Has "Pixar Fatigue" finally set in? I'm betting Coco won't be a huge hit, and will gross around $300 - $350 million.

Daddy's Home 2
In this sequel to the 2015 comedy, Brad and Dusty deal with the arrival of their obnoxious fathers during the holidays. Premieres November 10. 


I didn't see the original film, but it was a box office hit, grossing $242 million worldwide against its $69 million budget. It's directed by Sean Anders, who helmed the first film, as well as several other awful comedies, including Sex Drive, That's My Boy and Horrible Bosses 2.

Since there's not a lot of competition in November, I'd expect this film to do at least as well, if not better than, its predecessor. I'm betting it'll make around $250 - $275 worldwide.

Murder on the Orient Express
Detective Hercule Poirot investigates a murder on a train traveling through Europe. Based on the Agatha Christie mystery novel. Premieres November 10. 


Jesus, how many times is Hollywood gonna film this story? There's at least one previous theatrical version, and more TV adaptations than I can count. I'll save you all twelve bucks and two hours of your life: EVERYONE DID IT!

It's directed by Kenneth Branagh, who's primarily an actor, but has helmed quite an eclectic list of films. He previously directed Henry V, Dead Again, Much Ado About Nothing, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, Hamlet, Sleuth, Thor (!), Macbeth, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (!!!) and Cinderella.


Although Branagh's films are generally well regarded, they rarely make a lot of money (with a couple of exceptions). I expect the same here. I'm betting it'll make around $30 - $35 million in the States.


Death Wish 
A doctor (played by Bruce Willis) becomes a violent vigilante after his wife is murdered and his daughter brutally attacked by thugs. Premieres November 22.

Wow, another remake. How unusual. This one of course is a reboot of the 1974 original, which starred (and likely launched the career of) Charles Bronson. It's directed by Eli Roth, the gore-meister who gave us such classics as Cabin Fever, Hostel, Hostel Part II and The Green Inferno.


December
The box office finally shapes up a bit in December, but I expect Star Wars will siphon cash from most of the other films released this month.

Polaroid
A horror film about a camera that kills anyone whose picture it takes. Premieres December 1 (maybe).

This was originally supposed to come out in August, but was pushed back to December. That's always a huge month for horror films, right? As we all know by now, any time a movie's release date is pushed back for any reason, it's ALWAYS a bad, bad sign.

I'm pretty sure The Twilight Zone did this exact same plot fifty years ago. It's directed by Lars Kievberg, and appears to be his first theatrical film. Uh-oh... I predict it'll make $25 million in the States. If that.

The Shape Of Water
Set during the Cold War, it's a tale of the relationship between a mute woman and a captured fish-man. Seriously. Premieres December 8.

It's directed by Guillermo de Toro (that means "the bull!"), who gave us such films as Chronos, Mimic, The Devil's Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy II: The Golden Army and Pacific Rim. Del Toro's films are always visual treats, and often have a very fairy tale-like quality. This one is no exception.

On the other hand, how the hell is del Toro getting away with making this film? This is basically an origin story for Abe Sapien, the fishy hero from the Hellboy movies. Abe was created by writer/artist Mike Mignola, and it looks for all the world like del Toro just stole the character from him wholesale.

It comes out a week before Star Wars, so it might have time to make a bit of cash before it's pushed to the side. I'm betting it'll make around $50 million in the States, and maybe $150 million worldwide.


Ferdinand
An animated tale of a bull (voiced by John Cena) who refuses to fight in the ring. Based on the beloved children's book. Premieres December 15.

It's from the studio that brought us the Ice Age movies, which have all been huge financial successes. It's coming out the same week as Star Wars though, so that's definitely gonna take a bite out of its box office gross. I think it'll make around $450 - $500 million worldwide.

Star Wars: Episode VIII
In this followup to 2015's The Force Awakens, Rey continues her Jedi training with Luke Skywalker, while the rest of the cast runs around and shoots at things. Premieres December 15.

The previous film was pretty much a straight up remake of A New Hope, so I expect this one will ape the structure and tone of The Empire Strikes Back. It's directed by Rian Johnson, who, in addition to spelling his name in the most annoying way possible, helmed Brick, The Brothers Bloom and Looper, which were all pretty good. Hopefully he'll do a better job with the plot than JJ Abrams did.

The Force Awakens grossed an astonishing $2 BILLION worldwide, while last year's Rogue One brought in $1 billion. I expect The Last Jedi to easily outdo Rogue One, but I don't think it'll blow The Force Awakens out of the water. I think it'll make between $1.5 and $2 billion.

I like director Rian Johnson, and with J.J. Abrams less involved in this production, it can only go up. However, The Force Awakens is another one of those movies that gets worse the movie you watch it and Rogue One was DOA fan service. See Red Letter Media's various rogue one related videos for more information. 

Box Office: 1 Billion Plus. Who cares if it's bad it's Star Wars.


Well, I care, for one. Of the eight Star Wars movies that have been released over the years, there are only two I'd call GOOD. That's a 25% score for the series, which is FAR below an F grade!

Jumanji
A sequel/remake/reboot of the 1995 film, about a kid's game that comes alive when played. In a "shocking" new twist, the titular game has been updated. This time it's a video game! 
Premieres December 22.

The movie's directed by Jake Kasdan, son of Lawrence Kasdan, who wrote, among other things, The Empire Strikes Back. So that's a good sign! Jake Kasdan previously directed Orange County, The TV Set, Bad Teacher and Sex Tape, along with a lot of TV episodes. Can he handle a big budget special effects extravaganza? Who knows? I'm betting it'll make around $100 million here in the States, as Star Wars will still be in theaters and steal a lot of its thunder.

Pitch Perfect 3
After winning the world championship (?), the Bellas reunite for one last singing competition. Premieres December 22.


I've not seen either of the first two installments, but they were both quite successful. Pitch Perfect grossed $115 million against its minuscule $17 budget, while Pitch Perfect 2 made $287 million on a $29 million budget. On the down side, the new film's directed by Trish Sie, whose sole previous theatrical film was the beloved cinematic classic Step Up All In. That could be a bad sign. I expect this one to do slightly better than it's predecessor, mainly because ticket prices are higher now. I'm betting it'll make around $300 million worldwide.

The Greatest Showman

A musical celebrating the life of P.T. Barnum, played by Huge Ackman. Premieres December 25.

Wow, a musical film AND it comes out on Xmas day? Sign me up! I've not seen one trailer or even so much as a poster for this thing. It's directed by Tom Hooper, who helmed Jackman's previous musical Les Miserables. Amazingly that film grossed a whopping $441 million worldwide, against its slim $61 million budget! This one doesn't seem to be based on a broadway play though, so I think it'll gross less, making around $250 - $300 million worldwide.

Tune in a few months from now to see how we did!

Sign Of The Times

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So last night I was sifting through Amazon Prime on my Roku, looking for something to watch, and noticed this:

Yep, according to Amazon Prime, The Beverly Hillbillies is rated TV-PG!

A quick check with Google reveals that TV-PG means a show contains moderate violence, sexual situations, infrequent coarse language and suggestive dialogue. 

I guess all those scenes of Granny chasing Jethro with a frying pan are too violent for today's jittery, fragile children?

That's No Moon... It's A Lack Of Originality.

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As you are no doubt well aware if you've stepped inside any retail establishment in the past few days, September 1 was Force Friday II. That was the big event in which all the new Star Warscrap, er, merchandise was dumped into stores, right on top of all the stuff from Force Friday I that's still sitting unsold on the shelves.

Among the new merchandise was this model kit of the TIE Silencer, Kylo Ren's new ship from The Last Jedi. There's not a lot to say about the new ship, other than it's a butt-ugly design that seems to be a cross between Darth Vader's TIE Fighter from A New Hope and the TIE Interceptor from The Return Of The Jedi.

What really caught my eye though was the box art. Take a good look at the box, specifically the area just to the left of the Tie Silencer.

Yep, that a goddamned Death Star.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ on a cross! Please, please, PLEASE tell me that writer/director Rian Johnson isn't so creatively bankrupt that he's bringing back the Death Star for a FOURTH time. Yes, I said fourth. I'm counting The Force Awakens' Starkiller Base as a Death Star. It looked like one, it destroyed planets like one, and they blew it up like one. It was a Death Star, no matter what JJ Abrams called it.

I realize it's entirely possible that I'm getting all vexed over nothing here. The inclusion of the Death Star here could be nothing more than a mistake. It could be a case of a rushed and overworked designer battling a deadline and grabbing a random background to stick behind the ship, not realizing it contained something it shouldn't. Hell, if he was in a time crunch he may not have even noticed the Death Star back there. He may have even cropped it out, only to have it unexpectedly shift into view due to a computer glitch. Such things are in the realm of possibility.

On the other hand, corporations like Disney are notoriously picky about their properties and how they're represented by products. This box no doubt went through numerous rounds of approval before it was finally OKed. If the Death Star WASN'T supposed to be there, rest assured some Disney exec would have noticed and ordered it changed.

All I know is if I sit down to watch The Last Jedi and they trot out another goddamned Death Star, I will lose my sh*t. I am gonna get up, walk out of the theater and flip over the frakin' ticket booth. And then I'll get mad!

It Came From The Cineplex: Dunkirk

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Dunkirk was written and directed by Christopher Nolan.

Nolan's a fanboy-favorite who previously co-wrote and directed Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, Inception and The Dark Knight Rises. He wrote and directed Interstellar. He also received "Story Credit" for Man Of Steel, for which he should be publicly flogged.

Dunkirk is an epic film, and like all of Nolan's work, it's visually stunning. He spared no expense in recreating the Battle Of Dunkirk, using practical effects and vehicles wherever possible, even going so far as to film in the actual locations!

Nolan got the idea to make the film after he and his wife Emma Thomas sailed across the English Channel, following the same route as many of the ships involved in the real evacuation of Dunkirk. He seriously considered not writing a script, planning to improvise the entire film (!). Fortunately for us, Thomas talked him out of this terrible idea, and Nolan turned in a seventy six page screenplay (about half the length of his usual scripts). 

As a result of this, Dunkirk is a very atypical Hollywood war movie. It clocks in at a brisk 106 minutes, which is unusual for a film of this scope. It's also an odd subject for a Hollywood war movie. Although many historians consider it a turning point in WWII, The Battle Of Dunkirk was not a military victory. It didn't involve America in any way (the U.S. hadn't even entered WWII at the time!), there are no frontline skirmishes, no scenes of Churchill in a war room surrounded by generals and no German soldiers are ever seen onscreen (save for a couple in the closing seconds).

The film contains surprisingly little dialogue, as the characters spend whole swaths of the movie running from place to place, simply trying to survive. This makes for a highly immersive cinematic experience, putting the audience squarely in the middle of the action. 

Despite this, Dunkirk has a very cold and hollow tone. Rather than focus on one main character, we're introduced to several, but unfortunately we never get to know anything about them. A few get names and maybe one identifying characteristic and that's it. It's a film filled with ciphers, which severely lessens its emotional impact.

So far Dunkirk's grossed $460 million worldwide against its $100 million budget, which makes it one of the bigger hits of the summer. That's surprising to me, as there's been little or no buzz surrounding the film. It's like a stealth hit.

SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE BASED ON AN HISTORICAL EVENT!

The Plot:
A word of warning: Dunkirkseems like a traditional linear narrative, but it's anything but. The film depicts three interconnected storylines that take place over wildly different time periods. The land story covers an entire week (!), the sea story a day and the air story just one hour. However, the movie freely cuts back and forth between these plots as if they're happening simultaneously, which can be confusing if you're not paying attention.

A helpful title card tells us that it's 1940, and the Germans are invading France. 400,000 Allied soldiers are forced to retreat to the seaside town of Dunkirk, France. As the Germans relentlessly close in, the soldiers desperately wait on the beach for rescue.

The Mole, aka Land (which takes place over the course of a week)
Six British soldiers are walking through the deserted streets of Dunkirk, when they're attacked by German snipers. A young private named Tommy is the only one to survive. He threads his way through the town and makes it to the beach, where he's stunned to see hundreds of thousands of troops waiting to be evacuated.

Tommy gets in the back of a huge line of soldiers and waits. He spots a soldier named Gibson, who's seemingly burying a fellow private, and helps him. Just then a pack of German Stuka dive bombers attacks the beach, killing dozens of men caught out in the open.

Tommy sees a rescue ship that's giving priority to the wounded, and gets an idea. He and Gibson grab a stretcher and carry an injured soldier to the ship. They make it onto the ship, but unfortunately they're ordered off after they deliver the wounded man. They sneak under the pier (aka The Mole), where they wait to board the next rescue ship. Suddenly the German planes attack again, sinking the ship they were just on. Hundreds of soldiers jump off, and Tommy saves a man named Alex (played by Harry Styles, of One Direction fame!) from being crushed.

Eventually the three make it onto another ship, where they can finally relax. Not so fast there, guys! This ship is then hit by a torpedo from a German U-boat, and begins sinking. Gibson saves Tommy and Alex, and they manage to grab onto a packed life boat and make it back to shore. In the first of the interconnected elements, we see the lifeboat is commanded by a man we'll soon come to know as the Shivering Soldier (played by Cillian Murphy).

Meanwhile, British officers Commander Bolton (played by Kenneth Branagh) and Colonel Winnant (played by James D'Arcy, aka Jarvis of Agent Carter) discuss the situation. Bolton says Churchill refuses to surrender and doesn't want to risk large ships in the evacuation, fearing they'll be needed to defend Britain from a potential invasion. Churchill has also decided not to help evacuate Allied French soldiers in an effort to save space (!). Bolton says in order to speed up the evacuation, the government is commandeering small civilian ships, which can get closer to the beach.

Some time later, Tommy, Gibson and Alex spot an abandoned fishing trawler on the beach, grounded by low tide. They run toward it, hoping to hide in it until high tide arrives and floats it out to sea. They're joined by a squad of Scottish soldiers who have the same idea. The soldiers all board the boat and wait in the hold.

Unfortunately the boat's in German territory, and they begin using it for target practice. The soldiers flatten themselves on the floor, desperately trying to avoid the hail of bullets. Just then the tide begins rising, and water pours through the bullet holes in the ship's side. One of the Scottish soldiers says they need to lighten the load, demanding one of the group get off the boat. They suspect Gibson of being a German spy, because he's yet to say anything. Tommy defends Gibson, who reveals he's actually French. He stole the uniform of the man he was burying when we first saw him, hoping to make it onto a British evac ship.

Just then the tide floats the boat out to sea, but unfortunately it starts sinking. The soldiers abandoned the boat, but Gibson's caught in a net and drowns. Tommy and Alex swim for a minesweeper ship, but once again it's hit and sunk by German forces. Oil pours from the sunken ship, turning the sea into an inferno. Fortunately they're finally rescued by Mr. Dawson, who we'll hear about in a minute, and pulled onto his boat.

The Sea (which takes place over a day)
In the English town of Weymouth, the Royal Navy is commandeering civilian boats to help with the Dunkirk evacuation. Mr. Dawson agrees to help, but insists on sailing his boat himself. Hhis son Peter and his friend George tagalong.

On the way they spot three Spitfires flying overhead (which we'll find out more about later). Mr. Dawson spots a British officer clinging to the wreckage of a ship destroyed by a U-boat attack, and rescues him. He turns out to be the Shivering Soldier we saw earlier. The Soldier hides silently in a corner until he sees Dawson's heading for Dunkirk, and demands he turn the boat around. 
Dawson calms the Shivering Soldier, and Peter locks him in a bedroom below deck.

When Dawson finds out Peter locked up the Soldier, he demands he let him out. The Soldier rushes up to the deck and tries to turn the boat around. There's a scuffle, and George is knocked backward, falling into the hold. He hits his head on the deck, severely injuring him. Peter rushes to his side, and George says he can't see. Dawson makes the decision to continue to Dunkirk.

Dawson sees a Spitfire crash into the ocean and heads for it. He rescues a pilot named Collins, who we'll meet in the next segment, seconds before he drowns. They make it to Dunkirk, where they see dozens of soldiers leaping off a sinking minesweeper that's surrounded by flames. Dawson risks his life rescuing as many soldiers as he can, including Tommy and Alex.

Peter attempts to move George to make more room, but sees he's dead. On deck, the Shivering Soldier asks if George is OK. Peter realizes the man's out of his head and lies, saying George is fine.

The Air (which takes place over an hour)
Three RAF Spitfires, piloted by Ferrier (played by Tom Hardy), Collins and "Fortis Leader," head across the English Channel to Dunkirk to protect the evacuating soldiers. They encounter a squad of German fighters and engage in a dogfight. Fortis Leader's shot down, and Ferrier assumes command of the mission.

Ferrier's fuel gauge was damaged during the skirmish, preventing him from telling how full his tank is. Collins asks if he want to abort the mission, but Ferrier insists they continue to France.

They shoot down another German plane, but Collins' Spitfire is damaged and he crashes into the English Channel (where he's later picked up by Mr. Dawson). Farrier sees another German bomber attack a minesweeper and shoots it down. Unfortunately it ignites the oil leaking out of the minesweeper, turning the sea into an inferno.

Farrier reaches Dunkirk just as his fuel runs out. He manages to glide long enough to shoot down a dive bomber, and safely lands his plane outside the Allied perimeter. He sees German soldiers approaching and sets fire to his plane to keep it out of their hands. He's captured by the Germans and taken prisoner.

The Wrap Up
Dawson's boat makes it back to Weymouth, where he's celebrated for saving so many soldiers. George's body is carried off the boat, as the Shivering Soldier looks on. Peter takes a photo of George to the local paper, which publishes an article praising him as a war hero.

The surviving soldiers are put on a train. Tommy and Alex assume the public will treat them as cowards for retreating from France, but instead they're given a heroes' welcome. Tommy reads a newspaper article in which Churchill praises the bravery of the soldiers and vows to never surrender.

Back on the beach, Commander Bolton says they expected to save 30,000 soldiers, but over 300,000 were actually evacuated. He tells Colonel Winnant he's staying behind to help evac the French soldiers as well.

Thoughts:

Dunkirk stars several members of Christopher Nolan's little repertoire company, including Tom Hardy (Inception, The Dark Knight Rises), Cillian Murphy (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Inception) and of course, Michael Caine (The Prestige, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Inception, Interstellar), although his role is just a voiceover cameo.

• Tom Hardy apparently hates the bottom half of his own face. He wore a partial mask as Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, his face was half covered for much of Fury Road and he spends most of Dunkirk with the lower half of his face hidden by an oxygen mask. He eventually takes if off the mask in the final seconds of the film.

C'mon, Tom! You're not that hard to look at!

• Nolan used practical effects in the film wherever possible. For example, to populate the beach during the evacuation scenes, he used over one thousand extras. These crowds were then enhanced by using numerous cardboard cutouts of soldiers (!).

He also used era-appropriate planes for the aerial scenes, along with twelve of the surviving civilian ships that participated in the actual Dunkirk evacuation back in 1940! Pretty cool!

Also, the military uniforms worn in 1940 were made from heavy wool, which was no longer produced. The producers used a factory in Pakistan to manufacture wool fabric and create thousands 
of historically accurate wool uniforms for the actors and extras. 

• Hans Zimmer composed the film's score, making extensive use of the Shepard Tone to generate tension in the audience. It's kind of hard to explain, but basically it consists of three overlapping, rising tones. One tone is played at a consistent volume, while a second fades out as it rises. The third tone fades in as it gets higher. When the three are played at the same time and infinitely looped, they give the illusion of a tone that seems to rise forever, even though it never actually gets any higher, which makes the listener edgy and uneasy.

Zimmer also used the sound of a ticking clock on the soundtrack, to suggest urgency I guess. The ticking was supplied by Nolan's own pocket watch.


• A big part of the Dunkirk evacuation's success lies with the fleet of civilians who used their own boats and risked their lives to rescue thousands of trapped soldiers.

That's something that could have only happened in WWII, and a feat only the British with their stiff upper lips and can-do attitudes could have pulled off. No matter how hard I try, I can't imagine current day American citizens crossing enemy lines and risking their lives to evacuate a bunch of soldiers. WWII was a different time.

• Whenever the German Stuka dive bombers, er, dive toward the beach, there's a distinctive whining sound that signals their approach. This sound came from sirens mounted on the planes' landing gear, which the Germans called the "Jericho Trumpet." 

These sirens were solely for psychological effect, meant to strike fear into the troops on the ground. They did their job well, as troops were terrified and would scatter whenever they'd hear the distinctive Stuka whine.

George Lucas supposedly used this idea for the sound of the TIE Fighters in the Star Wars movies!

• As longtime readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld know all too well, I'm not a fan of biopics or historical dramas, as they're usually woefully inaccurate. In fact most of them outright fabricate characters and events to make their stories more cinematic.

Amazingly, Dunkirk is actually fairly historically accurate! In fact a few surviving Dunkirk survivors were invited to the film's premiere, and they all praised its realism and accuracy. One survivor did say however that the movie was louder than the battle (!).

Here are a just a few of the things Dunkirk actually got right:

The Germans really did drop propaganda material that illustrated how the British troops were surrounded, and demanded they surrender (the actual leaflets didn't look like the ones in the movie though). 

The Royal Navy really keep their destroyers and other large ships from participating in the evacuation. They did this partly because they didn't want to lose ships they'd need in a larger battle they expected, and also because the huge ships couldn't get close enough to the shallow beach to be of any help.

The Royal Air Force really did engage in dogfights with German planes over the sea, and they really were limited to just an hour of flight time by their fuel capacity.

The soldiers on Dunkirk beach really did curse the Air Force for not protecting them from German bombers. The film fails to mention though that the Royal Air Force planes actually did battle the German planes, but they did so far inland, out of sight from the beach. This led the soldiers to think the RAF had abandoned them.

The British commanders really did refuse to evacuate French soldiers at first. Churchill later insisted they be rescued along with the British troops.

None of the characters in the film are real, although a few, like Kenneth Branagh's Commander Bolton, are composites of several actual people.

Dunkirk is a visually spectacular film that's a throwback to old school war films. There's little or no dialogue, which helps immerse the audience in the action. Unfortunately there's no central character, and the ones we do meet are virtual ciphers with absolutely no depth, resulting in a cold and clinical film. It's still worth a look on the big screen though, if nothing else than for the sound. I give it a solid B.

So Much For Summer Movie Dumpster Fire 2017!

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Welp, Summer Movie Dumpster Fire 2017 has finally come to a close, and what a brutal season it was! Cineplexes nationwide are littered with the rotted, bloating corpses of stale sequels, ill-advised reboots and failed franchise attempts.

It's not just my imagination either. According to industry insiders, Labor Day 2017 was the lowest grossing box office weekend since 2000! 

In fact, the number one movie this past weekend, The Hitman's Bodyguard, and could only manage to scrape up a dismal and embarrassing $10.3 million! The news gets worse— the top twelve movies playing over the Labor Day weekend grossed a combined $51 million! Heck, a good summer movie should be able to make that much on its own!

Studio executives are pointing fingers in every direction, like a finger pointing champ on National Finger Pointing Day. They're blaming the box office slump on streaming (of course), piracy, Hurricane Harvey (how many moviegoers could possibly live in Houston?), the Mayweather/McGregor fight, and of course their old standby, Rotten Tomatoes.

Naturally they seem to have completely missed the most obvious reason for the decline: the movies they're pumping out are pure crap! 

Who the hell wants to spend $12 bucks and make a special trip to the cineplex to see such classics as Leap!, Annabelle: Creation, The Emoji Movie, Kidnap, The Glass Castle, Tulip Fever or the aforementioned The Hitman's Bodyguard, a movie so bland and mediocre that I doubt Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson would have watched it unless they were contractually bound to attend at the premiere.

I can personally attest to this dearth of watchable films in theaters. I generally go to the movies once a week, and let me tell you, it was tough finding something worth seeing this past weekend. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so, as the parking lot of my local cineplexery was virtually empty.

I'd either seen everything or had no interest in what was playing, so I settled for watching the 40th Anniversary re-release of Steven Spielberg's Close Encounters Of The Third Kind! Seriously! A four decade-old (oy) movie that I own on DVD and blu ray and have seen at least fifty times. 

 That's a pretty sad state of affairs when the only movie worth seeing is one that came out back in 1977. I saw Close Encounters in the theater back in '77, and I never dreamed I'd be watching it again forty years later because it was the only decent film playing.

On the other hand, it was fun seeing Close Encounters on a big screen again, with a really loud kickass sound system. And believe it or not, I wasn't the only person in the audience, like I expected. There were a good twenty five or thirty people there to see it! Amazing!

Even more mind blowing is the fact that this re-release of Close Encounters grossed $2.3 million over the weekend. Let that sink in for a minute— a forty year old movie grossed a fourth of what the brand new The Hitman's Bodyguard managed to pull in!

There are a few potential blockbusters looming on the movie horizon, such as It, Thor: Ragnarok and of course Star Wars: The Last Jedi, which will hopefully pull the box office out of its dismal slump.  But I ain't holdin' my breath.

What's The Big Rush, Rush?

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For the past several days, talk radio host and bloated whale carcass Rush Limbaugh, who's apparently still a thing, has been telling his loyal listeners (?) that the the monstrous Hurricane Irma which is barreling towards Florida is nothing more than a conspiracy cooked up by the media and retail stores.

On his syndicated radio show, Limbaugh bleated,
"There is symbiotic relationship between retailers and local media, and it’s related to money. It revolves around money. You have major, major industries and businesses which prosper during times of crisis and panic, such as a hurricane, which could destroy or greatly damage people’s homes, and it could interrupt the flow of water and electricity. So what happens?"

"Well, the TV stations begin reporting this and the panic begins to increase. And then people end up going to various stores to stock up on water and whatever they might need for home repairs and batteries and all this that they’re advised to get, and a vicious circle is created. You have these various retail outlets who spend a lot of advertising dollars with the local media."

"The local media, in turn, reports in such a way as to create the panic way far out, which sends people into these stores to fill up with water and to fill up with batteries, and it becomes a never-ending repeated cycle. And the two coexist. So the media benefits with the panic with increased eyeballs, and the retailers benefit from the panic with increased sales, and the TV companies benefit because they’re getting advertising dollars from the businesses that are seeing all this attention from customers."
Sure, Rush. It's all a conspiracy to sell bottled water. This is extremely dangerous and irresponsible of Limbaugh, or any public figure for that matter. Irma currently is described as the largest hurricane ever recorded in the Atlantic, and its sustained 185 mph winds have utterly decimated Puerto Rico and many Caribbean islands. I have no doubt someone's going to actually listen to his cries of "fake news" and refuse to evacuate, and then all the skin will be blown off their body. His ill-advised conspiracy theories are going to end up getting someone killed.

Someone other than Rush, that is.

In case you weren't aware, Limbaugh's studio is located in Palm Beach County, in the state of Florida. You know, the state that Irma is relentlessly heading towards. This morning Limbaugh evacuated the state, exiting so quickly he left a cartoonish hole in the shape of his body in his studio wall.

Said Limbaugh, 
“May as well go ahead and announce this,” he said. “I'm not going to get into details because of the security nature of things, but it turns out that we will not be able to do the program here tomorrow. ... We'll be on the air next week, folks, from parts unknown. So we'll be back on Monday. It's just that tomorrow is going to be problematic. Tomorrow it would be, I think, legally impossible for us to originate the program out of here.”
Did you get all that? Limbaugh says the media's blowing Hurricane Irma all out of proportion, and there's absolutely no danger. Of course he said all this as he was evacuating the state.

Limbaugh seemed less concerned with the inevitable loss of life and property and more with how the hurricane had impacted his personal plans, saying, “You know, I had to cancel a bunch of stuff. I was going to go to a private movie screening this afternoon, and I had a bunch of stuff to do tonight, and now that's all blown to smithereens.”

That is a tragedy, Rush. Please, people, for the love of Thor, do NOT listen to anything that spews out of this blowhard's foul orifice of a mouth. 

Exactamundo!

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I don't ever remember seeing this, but apparently back in 1976, MPC produced a "Fonz Dream Rod" model kit (complete with a figure of Henry "The Fonz" Winkler).

Back in the day many model enthusiasts accused MPC of simply reusing their 1966 "Monkeemobile" kit (from The Monkees TV show), in a shameless effort to cash in on the HUGE (at that time) popularity of TV's Happy Days and all things Fonzie.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Take a good look at both cars. For one thing, the Monkeemobile has a full vinyl top, one that extends from the back of the car all the way across the seating area and attaches to the windshield. 

The Fonz Dream Rod, on the other hand, has a vinyl roof that only extends halfway from the back (which would likely blow off the second the car was driven faster than fifteen miles per hour). The Dream Rod is CLEARLY a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT model kit! How dare anyone accuse MPC of reusing its molds!

Honestly I'm much more interested in finding out how Fonzie acquired a 1966 Pontiac GTO, when he lived in the 1950s.

Thanks to my pal KW Monster for pointing out these kits to me!

It Came From The Cineplex: Logan Lucky

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Welp, Summer Movie Dumpster Fire 2017 has officially sputtered to a limp and disappointing close. In the past few weeks it's become increasingly difficult to find anything worth paying to see at the cineplex. Fortunately there are a one or two bright spots if you know where to look, such as this film.

Logan Lucky was written by Rebecca Blunt and directed by Steven Soderbergh.

Blunt has exactly one theatrical writing credit to her name— this one.

Soderbergh is a prolific writer, producer and director. He previously directed many critically acclaimed films such as Sex, Lies And Videotape, The Limey, Erin Brockovich, Traffic, Ocean's Eleven, Solaris, Ocean's Twelve, The Good German, Ocean's Thirteen, The Informant!, Contagion and Magic Mike, among many others.


Soderbergh claimed he'd retired from filmmaking after directing the 2013 TV movie Behind The Candelabra. According to him, he was given the Logan Lucky script by a friend and asked to recommend a director. Fortunately for us, Soderbergh read the script and liked it so much he decided to come out of retirement and direct it himself.

Overall I enjoyed Logan Lucky, but I'm not as in love with it as most critics seem to be. I'm kind of wondering if part of the reason it's receiving so much praise is that the utter dreck filling the rest of the cineplex makes the film look epic by comparison?

The movie's been described as a "Red Neck Ocean's 11," which seems pretty apt. All of Soderbergh's familiar Ocean's elements are here— the gang full of quirky personalities, the meticulously planned heist and even the twist at the end. In fact in the movie, a news anchor even describes the robbery as "Ocean's Seven-Eleven."

Despite this similarity to the Ocean's trilogy, Logan Lucky somehow feels fresh, and has its own distinct personality. 

It's a much smarter and better executed version of last year's Masterminds (which I inexplicably liked and graded much, MUCH too high).

Although Rebecca Blunt is credited as the sole writer of the film, Hollywood insiders claim there's no such person. Rumor has it the movie was actually written by Jules Asner, the wife of Steven Soderbergh. This would makes sense, as Asner hails from West Virginia, where the film takes place.

So far the film is a financial flop, grossing just $31 million worldwide against its slim $29 million budget. Ouch! And yes, it's still a flop, since due to marketing costs, movies generally have to gross twice their production budget before they turn a profit. Logan Lucky probably didn't spend a fortune on promotion, but it's still unlikely to ever break even. That's too bad, as it's one of the very few decent movies out there this month. Maybe it'll do better on home video.

The Plot:
Jimmy Logan is a construction worker in rural West Virginia, whose promising high school football career was cut short by an injury that left him with a permanent limp. His wife Bobbie Jo (played by Katie Holmes) left him for a wealthy used car salesman named Moody (played by David Denman). Jimmy and Bobbie Jo have a daughter Sadie, who's heavily into the creepy child beauty pageant scene.

As the film opens, Jimmy works on his truck while Sadie looks on. He tells his favorite song is John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads, and suggests she sing it in her upcoming Junior Miss beauty pageant. Unfortunately she insists on singing Umbrella by Rihanna instead.

Jimmy heads to his construction job in the tunnels beneath the Charlotte Motor Speedway, where he's suddenly fired for not disclosing his limp. Shortly afterward, Bobbie Jo tells him she and her new family are moving to Lynchburg, which will make it harder for him to visit Sadie.

Jimmy drowns his sorrows in a bar run by his brother Clyde (played by Adam Driver), an Iraq War veteran who whose jeep was bombed just as he was heading for his flight home. The incident cost Clyde his most of his left arm, forcing him to wear a crude prosthetic. Clyde says that Jimmy's misfortune is just the latest in the infamous "Logan Family Curse," which has plagued them their entire lives. 


Max Chilblain (played by miscast Seth MacFarlane), a snooty British sports drink entrepreneur, enters the bar and makes fun of Clyde's disability. Jimmy gets into a fight with Max and his goons. In the confusion, Clyde sneaks out and tosses a Molotov cocktail into Max's truck.

The next day, Jimmy, sick of being poor and destitute, pitches an idea to Clyde— robbing the Charlotte Motor Speedway the week after Memorial Day. Due to his recent construction job, Jimmy has intimate knowledge of the system of pneumatic tubes under the track that funnel concession money to an underground vault. Clyde says he's in, and they talk their hairdresser sister Mellie into going along with the plan as well.

Jimmy and Clyde then visit the local prison to meet with Joe Bang (played by a bleached-blonde Daniel Craig), an old acquaintance who's a convicted demolitions expert with just five months to go on his sentence. They explain their plan to Joe, who points out one tiny flaw— HE'S CURRENTLY IN PRISON. The brothers assure Joe they can sneak him out and back in before the authorities know he's gone. Amazingly, Joe agrees to the plan, but insists they bring his younger brothers Fish and Sam in on the deal.

Clyde deliberately commits a petty crime in order to be sent to Joe's prison for ninety days. Jimmy buys supplies for the heist, and runs into Sylvia Harrison (played by Katherine Waterston), a former classmate who's now a nurse with a mobile clinic. Sylvia gives Jimmy a booster shot, and mentions her clinic is low on funds. Jimmy asks Sylvia if they ever kissed in high school, which upsets her. Jimmy then runs into his former boss, who says the construction job is ahead of schedule and will be finished by Memorial Day, meaning the heist will have to be moved up a week.

In the prison, Clyde and Joe talk the other prisoners into staging a fake riot so they can slip out unnoticed. They sneak out under a delivery truck and are met by Mellie, who takes them to the Speedway. Meanwhile the befuddled Warden Burns (played by Dwight Yoakam!) tries to diffuse the imaginary riot.

At the Speedway, Fish and Sam cut the power so the concession stands can only accept cash. Joe mixes up a homemade bomb to blast into the vault. He, Jimmy and Clyde use a vacuum to suck up the money and funnel it into plastic bags. Jimmy accidentally reverses the vacuum, causing it to suck Clyde's prosthetic arm into the tubes. Clyde freaks out, convinced the authorities will find his arm and convict him (Logan Family Curse!). Jimmy assures him he'll find the arm, and tells him and Joe to hurry back to the prison before they're missed.

On their way out, Clyde and Joe encounter Max Chilblain. He recognizes Clyde and attacks him
 (Logan Family Curse!). Clyde breaks Max's nose, and he and Joe run off. The two manage to slip back into prison unnoticed. Meanwhile Fish and Sam, dressed as janitors, drive out with the trash bags full of money.

Mellie makes it to the beauty pageant just in time to do Sadie's hair. Sadie goes onstage, ready to perform her Umbrella song as planned. Suddenly Jimmy enters the auditorium, just in time to see his daughter perform. Sadie spots him in the audience and decides to sing Take Me Home, Country Roads after all. The audience is so moved they begin singing along, and Sadie wins first place.


Later that day a news report states that all the Speedway's stolen money was recovered inside a truck parked at a convenience store. Apparently Jimmy left the truck in the lot and called in an anonymous tip to the police. The rest of the gang is livid with Jimmy for betraying them after all the trouble they went through
. Mellie refuses to speak to him, while Joe Bang vows to kill him once he's released from prison.

FBI Agent Sarah Grayson (played by Hilary Swank) arrives to investigate the robbery. She questions several people, including Warden Burns and Max Chilblain. Burns is no help, but Chilblain claims he saw Clyde at the Speedway while he was supposed to be in prison. Grayson questions the Speedway officials, but since almost of the money was returned, they're satisfied with the outcome. With no concrete evidence, Grayson is forced to close the case.

Clyde and Joe are released from prison. Joe plans to murder Jimmy, but when he returns to his old house he finds a large sum of the money buried in his backyard. We then see that this was all part of Jimmy's Master Plan. During the heist, he secretly stashed several bags of money in a secure location, turning in the rest of it to throw off any suspicion or investigations. He distributes the money among the gang, and even gives a bit to Sylvia for her clinic.

Later we see Jimmy working at Lowes. He goes to Clyde's bar with Sylvia, where we see the rest of the gang (including Joe) celebrating. Clyde, who now has a new high-tech bionic arm that he bought with his share of the loot, spots a woman at the bar. He buys her a drink and asks her where she's from. We then see the woman is Agent Grayson, who's continuing the investigation on her own (Logan Family Curse!).

Thoughts:
• Despite the fact that I enjoyed Logan Lucky, I really don't have a lot to say about it, so this'll be quick.


• The highlight of the film is definitely its top notch cast (with the exception of the very out of place Seth MacFarlane and his Dick Van Dyke level British accent). 

Channing Tatum even turned in a decent performance. I used to think he was little more than a sack of potatoes that could talk, but he's won me over in recent years, and my opinion of him has risen quite a bit.

Daniel Craig steals the show as Joe Bang, an insane, bleached-blonde convict. He honestly surprised me here with his versatility, as the role allows him to uncharacteristically cut loose in a way James Bond never could. Who knew Craig could be legitimately funny?

• The idea of beefcake Channing Tatum and the owlish Adam Driver appearing onscreen as brothers strains suspension of disbelief to its breaking point. Maybe they had different moms or something?

• Speaking of Adam Driver, he plays a wounded Iraqi War veteran here. In reality, Driver was a Marine before he became an actor. He was scheduled to be deployed to Iraq, but broke his sternum and was medically discharged.

• I'm betting a huge part of the film's $29 million budget went toward digitally erasing Adam Driver's left forearm to simulate his war injury. Kudos to the effects team, as it honestly looks like Driver's really missing an arm!

• Jimmy and Clyde's sister Mellie is played by actress Riley Keough, who's the daughter of Lisa Marie Presley, and granddaughter of Elvis (!).

• In the film, Jimmy lives in West Virginia and had a promising football career before an injury sidelined him. Supposedly the character was based on actor Channing Tatum, who grew up poor in Alabama, Mississippi and Florida. Tatum had a college football scholarship until an accident damaged his knee, and he turned to stripping and modeling to make ends meet

• My favorite scene in the film was the prison riot, in which an inmate gives a list of demands to Warden Burns. All they want is for the prison library to stock the final two books of George R.R. Martin's Game Of Thrones series.


Burns then has to patiently explain to the prisoners that Martin was still working on The Winds Of Winter (Book 6)and hasn't even started on A Dream Of Spring (Book 7). The prisoners refuse to believe him, since the TV show is detailing events that happen after Book 5. The Warden and the prisoners then get in a discussion about TV schedules and the details of book-to-film adaptations.

It's a funny scene because it's all too true, and the inmates' frustration with Martin's writing speed very much echoes my own.
• According to Clyde, the Logan Family Curse strikes whenever things seem to be going well for the clan. Jimmy blew out his knee after becoming a high school football star. Clyde lost his arm in Iraq on the way to the airport to catch his flight home. 


At the end of the film, it's hinted that the curse may be about to strike again. The gang got away with the robbery and are all celebrating their good fortune in Clyde's bar. The final shot of the movie shows Clyde innocently chatting up an undercover Agent Grayson, implying she'll eventually dig up the evidence she needs to convict the gang, and proving the Curse true once again.

Logan Lucky is one of the few worthwhile films currently playing this month. It's a good, but not great variation on the Ocean's 11 plot, filled with memorable performances and a surprising twist. I give it a solid B.

Fast And Furry-ous

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Went to my local Target last night to check out their Halloween decorations, and saw these.

It's hard to get a sense of scale from the photo, but those are adult-sized animal masks. They're also creepy as hell, especially the unicorn one with its unsettling, penetrating blue eyes.

Ah, Target. Serving the Furry community since 1962!

So far I only saw the heads. I dunno if they're gonna be carrying the rest of the costume or not.

The Only Feature You Need

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The new iPhone 8 came out today.

No doubt it contains a host of slightly tweaked functions and features that no one actually needs, but the teeming masses will line up to buy it anyway. I have absolutely zero interest in buying one, as I'm perfectly happy with my four year old Galaxy 4 and plan to keep it until it stops working.

There's only one thing Apple could add to the iPhone 8 to get me to buy it— a feature that makes it impossible to film vertical videos!


The Orville

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A while back I wrote a post on The Orville, Seth MacFarlane's new live-action scifi TV series. The show looked like it would be a laff-a-minute parody of Star Trek, in the style of 1999's Galaxy Quest. I said I was actually looking forward to it, as The Orville looked more like proper Star Trek than CBS' upcoming Star Trek: Discovery series did.

Welp, The Orville finally premiered on Fox this past Sunday and I managed to catch the first episode. So how was it? 

Um... I'm not really sure. I honestly don't know what to think of it.

The Orville is definitely not a comedy series, despite what Fox would like you to think. It appears the network took every single joke in the pilot episode and crammed them all in the trailer in a blatant effort to mislead the audience. Seriously, if you've seen the trailer, then you saw ninety percent of the jokes in the premiere episode. 

Instead The Orville's more like a pseudo-drama with some oddball humor thrown in now and then at the worst moments possible. Whether it's the writing or the timing, most of these "jokes" fail to land, thudding to the ground like sacks of wet cement. I get the feeling MacFarlane dearly wanted to write a straight up scifi drama, but knew his fans would be expecting jokes and so tossed in a handful of "funny" lines. The result is a tone that can only be described as bizarre.

The show's also not a good-natured parody of Star Trek, ala Galaxy Quest. A parody takes the structure, characters and conventions of a show and pokes fun at them. The Orville lifts numerous elements from the various Star Trek series and then does absolutely nothing with them. There's no ribbing or clever roasting whatsoever. Instead the show just points at Star Trek's trappings and says, "Hey, remember phasers? Remember warp drive? Eh? EH?"

OK, so it's not a wacky space comedy, nor is it a good-natured parody ala Galaxy Quest. So what the heck is it then?

It quite literally IS Star Trek. Specifically Star Trek: The Next Generation.

I'm not even sure you could properly call it an homage, as The Orville is a perfect recreation of ST:TNG in every measurable sense. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. It's all there— the sweeping shots of the ship in flight, the wrinkly-foreheaded aliens and the clean, carpeted interiors. Heck, even the triumphant orchestral music and the editing are identical!

It's as if MacFarlane met with Fox executives, asked to do a new Star Trek series, was told it wasn't legally possible and then simply did it anyway. He made the television equivalent of a Louis Vuitton purse you buy in Chinatown, one that gives new meaning to the term "knockoff." 

I suppose this shouldn't come as a big surprise. MacFarlane has made no secret of the fact that he's a huge Trek fan, and even made a couple of guest appearances on Enterprise (!). Apparently he loved Trek so much he decided to remake it in his own image.

MacFarlane even hired some Trek alumni to work behind the scenes, as The Orville's produced by Brannon Braga and David A. Goodman. Braga was a writer and executive producer on (what else?) Star Trek: The Next Generation. He also also wrote and produced Star Trek: Voyager and Enterprise, as well as co-writing Star Trek Generations and Star Trek: First Contact. And Goodman was also a writer and producer on Enterprise.

It's honestly shocking how much of ST:TNG MacFarlane appropriated here, and I can't believe he's getting away with it. CBS (who now owns Star Trek) is notoriously protective of the property, and just last year they got all pissy and started stamping out fan films. Any day now I expect a cadre of their lawyers to show up at Fox with a cease and desist order.

I know, I know, you're probably thinking I'm overreacting and exaggerating just how much The Orville cribs from ST:TNG (and other Trek shows). So here's a few examples:

ST:TNG features the Federation, which is sort of like the United Nations in space.
The Orville features the Union, which is sort of like the United Nations in space.

ST:TNG features warp drive, shields, shuttles and transporters.
The Orville features quantum drive, deflectors and shuttles. They may well have transporters too, but I didn't spot any in the pilot.


ST:TNG characters wear two piece (for the men) uniforms, color-coded to their departments and rank.
The Orville characters wear two piece uniforms, color-coded to their departments and rank.

ST:TNG features a sleek, antiseptic circular bridge, with the captain sitting in a central chair surrounded by his officers.
The Orville features a sleek, antiseptic circular bridge, with the captain sitting in a central chair surrounded by his officers.

Seriously, this is just a slightly updated version of the Enterprise-D's bridge. It's even got the same goddamned railing behind the captain's chair!


ST:TNG features the holodeck, a high-tech room that can create perfect interactive replicas of any life form or environment.
The Orville features the holodeck, a high-tech room that can create perfect interactive replicas of any life form or environment.


Also in the pilot episode of ST:TNG, Commander Riker enters the holodeck, where he has a conversation with Lt. Data.
In the pilot episode of The Orville, Captain Mercer enters the holodeck, where he has a conversation with Gordon Malloy.

This was by far the most shocking part of the episode for me. They just straight up lifted the holodeck directly from ST:TNG. They don't actually call it the holodeck, but it operates EXACTLY the same, right down to the entrance incongruously appearing in the middle of the fake environment. The simulation even fades away as the characters exit, just like it did on ST:TNG! I really do not understand how they're able to get away with this.


Here's the thing— this would be acceptable if they were actually spoofing the holodeck, or cleverly skewering the many "Holodeck Gone Wrong" episodes in the series. But there's no parody or satire going on here. The characters just have a normal plot-advancing conversation inside a perfect copy of a ST:TNG holodeck. The entire scene apparently just exists so they can say, "Hey, remember the holodeck?"

ST:TNG and Star Trek: The Motion Picture both featured scenes in which the captain addresses the entire crew prior to a mission.
The Orville features a scene in which the captain addresses the entire crew prior to a mission.

In Star Trek: The Motion Picture (and others), the Enterprise pulls out of space dock as tiny figures watch and wave goodbye.
In The Orville, the ship pulls out of space dock as tiny figures watch and wave goodbye.

In the original Star Trek pilot The Cage, there's a shot in which the ship flies by, and the camera zooms in to reveal the crew through a window in the top of the bridge.

In The Orville, there's a shot in which the ship flies by, and the camera zooms in to reveal the crew through a window in the top of the bridge.

ST:TNG features the Enterprise seemingly stretching as it breaks the light speed barrier and goes to warp.
The Orville 
features the ship seemingly stretching as it breaks the light speed barrier and goes to warp, er, I mean activates its quantum drive.

ST:TNG features Worf, a Klingon bridge officer who's played by black actor Michael Dorn.
The Orville features Bortus, a Klingon-like alien bridge officer who's played by black actor Peter Macon (they even copied Dorn's race!).

This one's a jaw dropper too! Bortus IS Worf. They don't even make any attempt to hide it. Worf was a large, powerfully-built alien who was very disciplined and spoke in a very formal manner. Bortus is exactly the same, at least in this first episode.

Again, there's no joke or spoof of Worf here. They just completely xeroxed the character and used him on their own show!

ST: TNG features a female doctor whose uniform is a slight variation of everyone else's
The Orville features a female doctor whose uniform is a slight variation of everyone else's.


And just to deepen the connection even further, Dr. Finn here is played by Penny Johnson, who occasionally guest starred on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as Cassidy Yates, Captain Sisko's love interest!

ST:TNG features Lt. Commander Data, an android bridge officer.
The Orville features Isaac, an android (I guess?) from a planet of artificial lifeforms.


By the way, despite his obvious superiority, Data constantly strived to become "more human." In a radical burst of creativity, Isaac (who I assume is named after noted scifi author Isaac Asimov) sees humans as an inferior species.

Lastly, the cinematography, editing and even the fade-to-black commercial breaks are identical to ST:TNG as well. 

Just take a look at the above comparison of the "Ship Fly-By Shots." The camera angles, lighting and light speed effects are EXACTLY THE SAME. Now granted, maybe there are only so many ways to film a ship traveling at warp, but Jesus Christ! When I saw this scene in The Orville, for a second I honestly thought I was watching ST:TNG instead.

Like I said before, how the holy hell are they getting away with this?

I've decided not to do any weekly reviews of The Orville, as my schedule's already full and I honestly don't particularly like the show at this point. You really need to care about a series in order to type fifty thousand words about it every week, and so far this show's just not doing anything for me. If I need a Star Trek fix I'll just go watch reruns of ST:TNG instead.

This Week In Graphic Design: Denny's

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This week restaurant chain Denny's squeezed out a brand new mascot for their nationwide marketing campaign. Let's take a look at it, shall we?

Oh dear. Yup, that's a turd wearing a fedora. A turd that was apparently designed by Aardman Studios.

OK, I think it's supposed to be a breakfast sausage and not a hunk of walking, talking fecal matter. I guess that might be OK if that was the only thing on Denny's menu. Since they offer a variety of food, sausage isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I see this thing, and it ends up looking like a nice, healthy dump. Definitely not something you want to see when you're trying to eat in a restaurant.

Once again I have to ask— how the hell does something like this make it to print and into stores? If Denny's is anything like where I work, then this design had to go through dozens and dozens of people for approval. I cannot believe that not a single one of them looked at this thing and said, "Wait a minute... that's not a sausage, that's a turd!" Someone was definitely asleep at the wheel in the corporate headquarters.

Even if it didn't look like a sentient bowel movement, it's still a terrible design. Adding a cartoony face and limbs to a product is one of the most hackneyed and unoriginal graphic design concepts possible— one that was old and worn out back in the Speedy Alka-Seltzer days. No self respecting graphic designer would ever create such a thing, especially here in the 21st Century. 

In fact back when I was in art school, I had a professor who actually kicked a student out of his class for creating a mascot very similar to this one!

On the other hand, I supposed Saucy The Breakfast Sausage here was better than Denny's original mascot idea— Scuttles The Kitchen Cockroach.

What Are You Trying To Say Here, Chick-Fil-A?

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Went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch today, and saw this on my receipt.

What the heck's that supposed to mean? I don't think I appreciate the implication.


I don't think I'd be going around calling people "fruits" if my name was Sam Cathy (founder of Chick-Fil-A)!

R.I.P. Basil Gogos

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I was saddened to hear of the death of painter/illustrator Basil Gogos last week, who died at the age of seventy eight.

His name may not be familiar to you, but if you're a fan of old school monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman, you'll definitely recognize his work. His amazing and garishly colored illustrations graced many a cover of Famous Monsters Of Filmland magazine during the 1960s and 1970s.

Gogos was born in Egypt (even though he was Greek) in 1939. His family moved to America when he was sixteen, and he attended several New York City art schools.

In the early 1960s Gogos began illustrating lurid covers for various men's magazines, which usually featured scenes of WWII battles and Nazis menacing scantily-clad women.

Eventually Gogos began working for Warren Publishing, and that's when his career really took off. Warren was the publisher of Famous Monsters magazine, and Gogos painted over fifty covers for them over the years.

Gogos' illustrations of classic monsters were quite striking, often utilizing bizarre and unnatural colors. The results were bizarre and gaudy, but somehow it worked!

Gogos left Warren in the late 1970s, devoting his time to fine art (yawn), photo retouching (bigger yawn) and advertising (huge yawn). 

In the meantime, his original iconic monster portraits became highly sought after, prompting him to return to the world of illustrating (yay!). In the 1990s he began painting new monster images for magazines, cards and CD covers.

In 2006 his work was collected in a highly recommended coffee table book called Famous Monster Movie Art Of Basil Gogos. I'd urge you to run over to Amazon and buy a copy, but it's apparently out of print and currently selling for hundreds of dollars. Hopefully with the advent of his death they'll put out another printing soon.

Enjoy this sampling of Basil Gogos monster art!

Boldly Going

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Last week I wrote a lengthy (of course) post on Seth MacFarlane's new sci-fi series Star Trek: The Next Generation, er, I mean The Orville. In it I said it was frankly shocking just how much MacFarlane straight up stole not borrowed, but outright swiped from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The series goes far beyond "homage" and straight to "plagiarism."

I must be taking my crazy pills again, because I'm apparently the only one who noticed this or was bothered by it. The series premiere brought in 11.6 million viewers, the highest ratings Fox has had in years. Figures.

By the way, I saw this article a couple days ago:

Ouch!!! I just rolled my eyes so hard I think I permanently injured them! Yeah, The Orville goes where no TV show has gone before. Except for Star Trek, Star Trek The Animated Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, Enterprise and all fourteen theatrical movies.

Once again, just in case you think I'm imagining how much this show lifts from ST:TNG, take a look at this scene from Episode 2, Command Performance. At one point Commander Grayson is traveling in a shuttle and decides she's hungry. She walks to the back of the ship and I'll be goddamned if she doesn't order some goddamned food from a genuine goddamned ST:TNG replicator! This replicator functions exactly like the ones in ST:TNG, right down to the sound it makes as the food materializes. I honest to god did a spit take when I saw it!

Again, there's no satire or parody here. There was no attempt at making a joke or clever statement about how ST:TNG's replicators or how they work. The Orville simply has them, because this series IS ST:TNG with just a few minor name changes.

Am I missing something here? Is MacFarlane making some sort of VERY subtle joke by perfectly recreating every aspect of a pre-existing series? If so, the point's sailing far over my head.

Oh, and this week we also got a title sequence (there wasn't one at the beginning of the pilot, for some reason), and wouldn't you know it, it borrows liberally from other Trek shows. There's a shot of The Orville flying through a cloud of space gas, just like in the title sequence of Voyager.

And at one point the ship flies past a comet, much like the one in the Deep Space Nine opening (!).

And in the final scene of the title sequence, the ship's three engines power up as it prepares to go to warp, exactly like Voyager does before it zips off. It's downright incredible. I am still amazed that CBS hasn't sued the wig off Seth MacFarlane (look it up!) and Fox.

One last thing before I stop bullying this show. In the pilot episode, Lt. Alara Kitan looked like this.


In Episode 2 she suddenly looked like this. What the hell? I guess Alara was jealous of Earth girls and their luxurious eyebrows, and decided to have a couple of furry caterpillars surgically implanted on her own forehead? 
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