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Doctor Who?

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Welp, it finally happened.

In an effort to try and control spoilers and leaked info, today the BBC announced who'll be playing the Doctor in Season 11 of Doctor Who.

 And the winner is.... Jodie Whittaker, whoever the hell that is.

Take that, Patriarchy! In your face, old white men! You just got served! Women can play fictional characters traditionally written as male just as well as you can!

So what do I think of this decision, you ask? Well, Mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all," so...























































































.

It Came From The Cineplex: Baby Driver

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Baby Driver was written and directed by Edgar Wright.

Wright previously wrote and directed Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and The World's End. He co-wrote The Adventures Of Tintin with Joe Cornish and Steven Noffat (of Doctor Who fame!). He also co-wrote Ant-Man along with Joe Cornish, Adam McKay and Paul Rudd.


Baby Driver is sort of a throwback to late 1990s gangster/action movies like Go, The Big Hit and The Way Of The Gun. Others have described it as Tarantino-esque, but I didn't get that impression at all.


Fair warning— for a movie called "Baby Driver," it doesn't contain much actual driving. Think Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive, which generated similar complaints about its lack of vehicular action. If you're looking for a character-driven (heh) relationship drama, then Baby Driver's the film for you. If you're hankering for Fast & Furious-style car chases and non-stop action , then you're gonna have a bad time.


Oddly enough, unlike all of Wright's previous films, Baby Driver is not a comedy. It's a straight up action/drama, with a few slightly quirky elements thrown in here and there.

Contrary to most of the internet, I don't worship at the altar of Edgar Wright, as I think he's a very uneven and overrated talent. I LOVED his debut film 
Shaun Of The Dead, as it's one of my all-time favorite movies. Unfortunately Wright's output quickly went downhill from there (for me at least), as I found each successive film worse than the previous one. I was baffled by the popularity of Hot Fuzz, even after giving it the benefit of a second viewing. I wasn't a fan of Scott Pilgrim either, and didn't care for The World's End. Fans lamented the day Wright was fired from Ant-Man (for refusing to tie it to the Marvel Cinematic Universe), but I thought it was cause for celebration.


That's why Baby Driver is such a pleasant surprise, as Edgar Wright finally made a good (but not great) film 
again.

Even more amazing is the fact that a decent movie like Baby Driver is distributed by Sony! Yes, Sony, the gold standard of movie studios (and my former employers!). Why, in just the past three years, they've produced such wonderful films as:

The Monuments Men • Robocop (2014)
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 • 22 Jump Street • Think Like A Man Too
Sex Tape • The Equalizer • Fury • The Interview • Chappie
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 • Aloha • Pixels • Ricki and the Flash 
Hotel Transylvania 2 • The Walk • Goosebumps • Freaks of Nature 
Spectre • The Night Before • The 5th Wave • The Brothers Grimsby
Money Monster • Angry Birds • The Shallows • Ghostbusters 2016
Sausage Party • The Magnificent Seven • Inferno • Passengers
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter • Underworld: Blood Wars
Life • Smurfs: The Lost Village • Rough Night

That's quite the grim track record, making Baby Driver's success all the more surprising. I guess when you swing at enough pitches, you're bound to hit a homer now and then.


Critics and audiences are both absolutely in love with this movie, which genuinely mystifies me. I must have seen a different version of the film, because I honestly don't get all the praise. It's got some decent performances and there's one really good action scene at the beginning, but the overall storyline is one we've all seen a hundred times before. I'd call it watchable at best. 

So far the film's a modest hit, racking up $73 million here in the States against its $34 million budget. It's grossed $14 million overseas, for a worldwide total of $87 million. Those are decent numbers for a small film that premiered in the middle of Summer Blockbuster Season. Due to marketing, most films today need to gross twice their production budget just to break even. I doubt Baby Driver did much in the way of advertising, so I'm betting it's turned a decent profit for Sony.


SPOILERS!


The Plot:
A car parks across the street from a bank in Atlanta. Three criminals— Buddy (played by Jon Hamm), his wife Darling (played by Eiza Gonzalez) and Griff (played by John Bernthal)— run into the bank, while their getaway driver "Baby" (played by Ansel Elgort) waits outside. Baby calmly listens to music on his earbuds while he waits. The three crooks return with cases of loot and hurriedly pile into the car. Baby peels out, still jamming to his music. Several police cars pursue them, but Baby expertly performs a series of impressive driving maneuvers, easily losing them.

They return to the headquarters of Doc (played by Kevin Spacey), the mastermind behind the robbery. Baby brings back coffee for everyone, his earbuds still blaring. For some reason this annoys Griff, who asks why Baby has to constantly listen to music. Through the magic of expository dialogue, Doc explains that as a child, Baby was in a car wreck that killed his parents. As a result of the accident he has tinnitus, and listens to music to drown out the constant humming in his ears.

Doc divides the money among the crooks, and gives Baby his small cut. He tells Baby that after their next job they'll be square, as his debt to him will be paid off. Baby goes home to Joseph, the man who raised him after his parents died. Joseph's now an elderly deaf man confined to a wheelchair, so their roles have reversed, as Baby now takes care of him.

Baby stuffs his share of the stolen money into an impressive stash under a floorboard in the apartment, as Joseph watches. He signs to Baby that he knows he's involved in something shady and to be careful. Baby takes a mini-recorder from his pocket, which he uses to capture everyday conversations around him. He uses a sample of Griff's tirade earlier that day to compose a "song." We see he has hundreds of such tapes, including a special one labeled "Mom."

Later Baby goes to Bo's Diner, where he "meets cute" a young waitress named Debora (played by Lily James). They chat for a while and Baby secretly records their conversation. Later at home he turns Debora's sample into a song.

Doc calls Baby in for his "final" job, and introduces him to the new crew: Eddie No-Nose (played by Flea, of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame), JD (played by Lanny Joon) and Bats (played by Jamie Foxx). This time the target is an armored truck. Bats becomes angry with Baby because he listens to music the whole time Doc outlines the plan. He shuts up though when Baby's somehow able to recite their agenda word for word.

Baby drives the criminals to a bank, where they wait for the armored truck to arrive. Bats becomes incensed again when he sees that JD bought the wrong masks for them to wear during the robbery (Mike Myers from Austin Powers instead of Michael Myers from Halloween).

The three rob the armored truck, but things go south when Bats kills a guard. They run back to the car, and Baby, who's shaken by the murder, takes off. A marine witnesses the robbery, firing at the robbers as he uses his truck to block the getaway car. Baby somehow drives between a row of parked cars and a wall to escape. 


They make it to a highway, with the marine in pursuit. He forces the front of the getaway car under a semi truck, trapping it. Bats starts to shoot the marine, but Baby frees the car and drives off before he can take the shot. JD realizes he dropped his gun back at the bank. Back at Doc's hideout, Bats asks Baby if he deliberately stopped him from killing the marine. Baby says no, but Bats doesn't believe him.

Baby goes to the diner again to flirt with Debora. She jokingly says it's not fair that there are few if any songs about "Debbies," but thousands with the name "Baby" in them.

Later Baby meets with Doc to get his cut of the money. When he mentions they're even now, Doc laughs and says Baby's his good luck charm and he plans to keep on calling him. He orders Baby to dispose of a car, which he sees has JD's body in it. Apparently Doc wasn't happy that he lost his gun during the robbery.

Baby takes the car to a junkyard, where he flashes back to the accident that killed his parents and injured his ears. Baby tries to go straight by taking a job as a pizza delivery man, using his driving skills to impress the customers. He takes Debora out to a fancy restaurant, where he's interrupted by Doc, who wants him for another job. When Baby refuses, Doc threatens to harm Debora and Joseph. Baby grudgingly agrees to the job. He takes Debora home and they share their first kiss.

The next job is stealing blank money orders from a post office, and Doc sends Baby in to check out the security. While there, he interacts with a friendly teller (foreshadowing!). Later on, Baby calls Debora and says he wants the two of them to drive far away from Atlanta, someplace where Doc will never find them. Despite the fact that she's known him for less than a week, she agrees.

Doc gathers Buddy, Darling and Bats for the post office job. But first he sends them to buy guns from an arms dealer called The Butcher (inexplicably played by singer/songwriter Paul Williams). They arrive at a warehouse where they're met by The Butcher and his army of thugs. As they look over the guns, Bats notices the boxes say "APD" on the side (for Atlanta Police Department, I guess?) and realizes The Butcher's a cop. Bats shoots The Butcher dead, which causes a massive firefight. Doc's crew manages to kill all the undercover cops, but Darling's shot in the arm.

On the way back to Doc's, Bats says he's hungry and wants to stop at Bo's Diner (um... shouldn't they be getting medical treatment for Darling?). Baby doesn't want to stop, as he doesn't want Debora to see him with a bunch of criminals, plus he's afraid of what Bats might do to her. Bats insists though, and they all go in.

Debora waits on them, and luckily she's smart enough not to say anything to Baby. Bats senses something between the two, and asks Baby if he knows Debora. He lies and says no, so Bats pulls his gun on her. Baby grabs his hand and stops him. The crew leaves, and Baby slips Debora a note that reads, "Road Trip— 2 am." I guess Debora will automatically know where to meet him.

Back at Doc's, he asks how things went with The Butcher. Bats says he killed him and his men because they were all cops. Doc says he knows that, as they worked for him (!). Bats lies and says The Butcher fired on them first. Buddy and Darling also lie and back him up. Doc wants to call off the post office heist, but for some reason Baby tells him to go ahead with it.

Doc orders the crew to spend the night in his HQ. Baby tries to sneak out to meet Debora, but he's intercepted by Bats and Buddy. Bats grabs Baby's recorder and discovers he's been taping all their conversations (to turn into songs). This leads Bats to believe Baby's an informant, and he knocks him out.

Baby wakes up back at Doc's, and sees Bats apparently raided his apartment. He's sitting in Joseph's wheelchair, and there's a pile of Baby's tapes in the middle of the table. Doc asks Baby to explain the tapes, and fast. Baby plays one, and they all realize he's just making crappy techo songs from their conversations.

The next morning, Baby drives the crew to the post office. Buddy causes a distraction inside by pretending to take Darling hostage. Meanwhile, Bats sneaks in the back to steal the money orders. As Baby waits in the car, he sees the friendly teller from the previous day. He shakes his head to warn her not to go in. She runs off and comes back with a security guard, just as the crew approaches the car. Bats kills the guard and orders Baby to take off. He hesitates, until Bats points his shotgun at him. Baby floors it and deliberately rams into a truck in front of them, which causes a piece of rebar to crash through the windshield and impale Bats in the chest (!). They all jump out of the car as the cops arrive.


Baby runs through the city in an epic footchase scene. He eventually steals an old woman's car, but not before grabbing her purse from the front seat and tossing it to her (more foreshadowing!). He runs into Buddy and Darling, as they're all surrounded by cops. Darling fires at the cops and is killed. And enraged Buddy fires back, and in the confusion Baby gets away.

Baby returns to his apartment (which seems like the first place the cops would look) and finds Joseph on the floor where Bats dumped him. He grabs all his money from under the floorboard, stuffs it in Joseph's pockets and takes him to a nursing home.

He shows up at the diner to pick up Debora, but is shocked to see Buddy sitting at the counter, having apparently got away from the cops. When Buddy threatens Debora, Baby shoots him in the chest. He and Debora run from the diner and steal a car.

Baby drives to Doc's and begs for help. Doc tells him to get lost, as he's preparing to leave town. For some reason, when he sees Baby and Debora together he has a change of heart and agrees to help them. Just then more of The Butcher's men arrive. Doc gives Baby a bag of money and says he'll hold off the thugs long enough for the two lovebirds to get away. Doc's shot several times before killing The Butcher's men.

Suddenly Buddy arrives in a stolen cop car, and runs over Doc, killing him (!). Baby rams into Buddy's car, knocking it over the edge of the parking garage. It falls several hundred feet and explodes. Baby's sure that's the end of Buddy, but anyone who's ever seen a movie before knows that's not true. Sure enough, Buddy appears again like the killer in a slasher movie. He grabs ahold of Baby and fires his gun next to both of his ears, causing his tinnitus to go crazy and deafen him. He then goes after Debora, but Baby shoots him in the leg, causing him to topple over the ledge and fall onto his burning car, which explodes for good measure.

Cut to the next day, as Baby and Debora are heading for a new life on the West Coast. For some reason Debora's driving, and she stops when she sees a road block ahead. She wants to try and run it, but Baby stops her and turns himself in.

At Baby's trial, Debora, Joseph, the post office clerk and the purse lady all testify that Baby's a good kid who just made some bad choices (!). The judge sentences him to twenty five years, with the possibility of parole after five. Debora sends him postcards of the places they plan to go once he's out. Five year later Baby's released, and Debora's there waiting for him.

Thoughts:
• The movie wastes no time as it jumps straight into the action with a lengthy and impressive old school car chase scene.


Baby's first getaway is downright awesome, as he effortless performs dozens of vehicular stunts, flying between cars and obstacles with inches to spare as he outwits the police.

Unfortunately that first action setpiece is the best one. Baby's next two getaways are nowhere near as much fun. He's almost caught on numerous occasions, and he continually smashes into cars, trucks and telephone poles before eventually escaping. For a movie that's ostensibly about a professional driver, these later stunts aren't very impressive. Heck, anyone could smash up their car during a getaway!

By the way, according to director Edgar Wright, the car chases were all filmed practically, with no CGI or green screen. That seems unbelievable in this day and age, but I guess we'll have to take his word for it.

• Edgar Wright dusts off two of his trademark directorial tricks and uses them again in Baby Driver.

Right after the first getaway, Baby exits Doc's HQ and sashays down the street to a coffee shop (to the tune of Harlem Shuffle), passing numerous extras along the way  He sweeps into the shop, picks up his order and dances his way back to HQ, all in one long, unbroken take.

Wright used this exact same "long take" shot TWICE in Shaun Of The Dead, as Shaun walks from his apartment to a shop and back, passing numerous extras along the way.

Later on when Baby and the crew meet with The Butcher, there's a violent shootout. Baby's got his ever-present earbuds in, and the gunshots are all timed to the beat of the music he's listening to.

Again, Wright used this same technique in Shaun Of The Dead, during the zombie shootout in the Winchester pub.

In the first scene of the movie, Baby walks down the street, into a coffee shop, buys several coffees and walks back— all in one continuous shot.

• Apparently Edgar Wright's a big fan of the Back To The Future films (but then who isn't?). Kevin Spacey's character's named "Doc." John Bernthal plays "Griff" (the name of Biff Tannen's grandson). Flea has a bit part in Baby Driver, and played "Needles" in Back To The Future II and III. And lastly, Doc mentions a previous caper called "The Spirit of '85," which was the year Back To The Future premiered.


• CJ Jones, who plays Baby's hearing-impaired foster father Joseph in the film, is deaf in real life.

• Doc uses a completely different crew for the first two robberies in the film. At one point he says he never works with the same team twice, with the exception of Baby.

Then in the very next scene, we see that his next crew is made up of members from Team #1 and #2.

I guess technically Doc is correct here, as this new team isn't exactly the same, but... it's still composed of previous members!

• Everyone and their dog has already pointed this out, but I noticed it right off so I'm joining in too. For much of the movie, Baby wears an odd jacket that looks very much Han Solo's iconic costume in Star Wars: A New Hope.

Actor Ansel Elgort was supposedly on the short list to play the lead in Disney's upcoming Young Han Solo film (whatever it's called), before they ultimately went with Alden Ehrenreich. Was Baby's costume choice just a coincidence? Homage? Or was this Edgar Wright's way of blasting Disney for not hiring Elgort?

• Speaking of Elgort, I'm not sure he was the best choice for Baby. Yes, I get that he's a damaged loner who rarely speaks or lets anyone get close to him. A role like that demands someone who can really emote— someone who can tell us what they're thinking with just their eyes. Unfortunately, Ansel Elgort is not that actor. He comes off as little more than a mannequin, and gives new meaning to the word "wooden."

• Lily James plays Debora, the friendly waitress at Bo's Diner. The second I saw her I honest to god gasped, as she looked exactly like Madchen Amick, who played waitress Shelly Johnson in Twin Peaks. In fact for a second I thought it WAS Madchen Amick there on the screen, until I realized she'd be close to fifty by now. It's an amazing resemblance!

• The biggest surprise in the film was cherubic singer/songwriter/actor Paul Williams in a cameo role as ruthless crime lord The Butcher. Williams spent most of the 1970s constantly popping up on every single variety and talk show on TV, belting out We've Only Just Begun in his strangled, warbly voice. 

I'm assuming that the diminutive Williams' casting as a violent criminal in Baby Driver was meant ironically.

• At one point Baby flips through the TV channels in his apartment, and we see a brief shot from Disney/Pixar's Monsters Inc. Apparently it was a big deal to get permission to show footage from a Disney film in an R-rated movie. In fact Monsters Inc. director Pete Docter even gets a special thanks recognition in the end credits!


For some reason, in the third act Buddy suddenly transforms from a laid-back criminal into a slasher movie villain. Baby seemingly kills him at least twice, and each time he returns from the dead (just like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees) before he's finally put down for good.

I wonder... earlier in the film there's a Michael Myers Halloween reference. Was that some kind of weird foreshadowing of Buddy's storyline?

• Oddly enough there are actually two songs titled Baby Driver. One's by Paul Simon, and is featured during the end credits. There's also one by KISS, which is NOT used in the movie. 

Either Edgar Wright liked the Paul Simon song better, or Gene Simmons wanted way too much money to license the KISS one.

• As regular readers of my blog know all too well, I am very critical of modern movie posters. I hate the fact that illustrated posters have seemingly gone the way of the dodo, replaced by horrible Photoshopped montages.

That's why I'm happy to report that Baby Driver features an honest to goodness, actual ILLUSTRATED poster! And it's glorious! Take a moment to stare at this rare example of illustrated screen art, and soak it all in.

One tiny complaint about the poster— is Baby's 2006 Subaru WRX supposed to be going backwards? Based on the "speed lines," that's certainly how it looks. Speed lines generally flow away from a car, not toward it! Plus we can see the text on the "Downtown Atlanta" highway sign, something that wouldn't be possible if the car was coming at the viewer. 

It's certainly possible that the car's meant to be going backwards here, as Baby drives it that way several times in the film. I just thought I'd point it out.

There's actually a second illustrated Baby Driver poster as well. This one's got a nice retro vibe to it. I don't like it as much as the character poster, but the fact that it's been illustrated rather than Photoshopped elevates it quite a bit in my humble opinion. I wish more studios would give us posters like this.

Baby Driver is a competent little film that's long on character and drama, but short on vehicular action. It's also the best thing Edgar Wright's done in many a year. Somehow I doubt it'll have the rewatchability of Wright's Shaun Of The Dead. I wouldn't recommend rushing out to see it at the cineplex, but it's worth a look on home video. I give it a B-.

Happy 30th Anniversary To Robocop!

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Happy 30th Anniversary to Paul Verhoeven's classic film Robocop, which premiered on July 17, 1987. For the two or three people out there who've never seen it, it's a truly subversive movie that offers a scathing commentary on 1980s business and politics, wrapped up in the guise of a violent sci-fi film. It's the thinking man's action movie!

The movie's definitely a product of its time, as it satirizes the Reagan era, corporate takeovers and the growing divide between the rich and poor. It also completely failed to predict both the cell phone revolution as well as the internet.

Despite this, the movie's somehow eerily prescient. It correctly predicted the influence the media has on our lives, the dumbing down of popular entertainment, and the contradictory way technology actually tends to isolate us instead as it brings people together. It even accurately predicted the deterioration and downfall of Detroit!


Best of all, it's ultra violent and gory as hell, and damned near got an X-rating back in 1987! What more could you ask for?

Jesus Christ, I remember sitting in the theater watching this movie first run back in 1987! Where the hell has the time gone?

I'd buy that for a dollar!

Putrid Posters: Spider-Man: Homecoming (Again!)

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There was a time when a movie poster was just as important as the film it promoted, if not more so. A good poster would tease, inform and pique your interest about a particular film, whipping you into a frenzy until you couldn't wait to see the movie.

That time is long past. Gone are the days when movie posters were beautiful examples of graphic design and illustration, and works of art in their own right. Classic movie poster design has been replaced by nightmarish collages, poorly stitched together in Photoshop.


Case in point: the Sony/Marvel Studios joint venture Spider-Man: Homecoming. The movie may be a critical and box office hit, but its marketing campaign is one of the worst I've seen, as each poster released is more appalling than the last.

Like this one, for example. Oy gevalt! Where do I start? Obviously this poster was deliberately designed to be bad, as it's supposed to look like a page from Peter Parker's personal scrapbook. Because scrapbooking is totally a thing that teens are into these days, right? Especially male teens.

It perfectly captures the amateurish look of something cobbled together by a person with no artistic talent, so in that respect it's actually successful.

But... why would any sane art director think this would be the perfect way to advertise a multimillion dollar movie from a major studio? It's like spray painting "DIAMONDZ INSIDE" on the outside of an upscale Beverly Hills jewelry store. I... I just don't get it.

And then there's this one. At first glance it's better than the scrapbook poster, but it's got more than its share of problems as well. There's way too much dead space in the upper left corner, and it uses a really unappealing section of the New York skyline.

Worst of all, THERE'S NO ACTION! A movie poster's supposed to be electric and exciting! It should look like it's in motion even though it's a still image. This poster's so goddamned boring that Spider-Man fell asleep at the bottom of it! Does this poster make you want to see the movie? If he's bored by his own film, why would I want to pay to see it?

Plus he's inexplicably wearing his school uniform jacket over his costume. Yes, he does this briefly in the film, but there's zero context for it on this poster, which makes its inclusion beyond odd.

And to whoever designed this poster— tilting everything at a 35º angle in a desperate attempt to generate visual interest is the oldest trick in the book, and doesn't work here.

It Came From The Cineplex: 47 Meters Down

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47 Meters Down was written by Ernest Riera and Johannes Roberts. It was directed by Johannes Roberts.

Riera and Roberts co-wrote The Other Side Of The Door, which I've never heard of. Roberts previously wrote and directed a bunch of other films I've never heard of, including Hellbreeder, Darkhunters, Forest Of The Damned, F and Storage 24.

47 Meters Down is a perfect example of the "survival horror" genre, in which the characters are placed in highly contrived and deadly situations, and have to figure out a way to escape. Think Frozen (the one about being trapped on a ski lift, not the Disney thing), The Reef, The Canyon, The Ruins, and Eden Lake, among others.


Jaws is the granddaddy of all shark movies, and even though it came out over forty years ago, it still casts a long shadow in Hollywood. Any similar movie is automatically going to be compared to Spielberg's classic, so if you've got the chutzpah to attempt to make a shark movie these days, it'd better be a damned good one. Sadly, 47 Meters Down is not going to be dethroning Jaws anytime soon.

47 Meters Down was originally shot as a direct-to-video film, scheduled for release in August, 2016. Dimension Films then sold the rights to Entertainment Studios (which has to be the blandest possible name for a business). They were apparently so impressed with the film that they scheduled it for a theatrical release in June, 2017.

As we all know here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, any time a movie is delayed for ANY reason, it's ALWAYS a bad, bad sign. And so it is with 47 Meters Down. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen, but there's no tension, zero scares and very little in the way of sharks. It really does feel like a Siffy Channel movie that somehow found its way into the cineplex.


Somehow the film's a modest hit, grossing $41 million against its minuscule $5 million budget. Even subtracting marketing costs (if there were any), that's not a bad return. Look for 94 Meters Down in theaters next year!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We start with the usual urban horror movie setup— sisters Lisa (played by Mandy Moore) and Kate (played by Claire Holt) are attractive young Americans vacationing in Mexico. Lisa's boyfriend Stewart just broke up with her because she's "boring," so she's traveling with Kate to prove him wrong. She hopes once Stewart sees she can be spontaneous, he'll come running back to her. Sounds like Stewart's better off without her if you ask me.

Kate drags Lisa out for a night on the town, where they meet two local men, Louis and Benjamin. They hit it off and have a great time, thanks to blessed alcohol. The men tell them they're going shark diving in the morning, and invite the girls to come along. Kate's up for it of course, but Lisa's not so sure, because she's boring. Kate eventually talks her into it.

They meet the guys at the dock the next morning, where they're introduced to Taylor (played briefly by a vacationing Matthew Modine). Taylor's the captain of a comically decrepit boat that you'd only find in a movie, complete with an alarmingly rusty shark cage. No one in their right mind would ever step foot on this tub, but of course Kate's somehow able to talk Lisa into going.

Taylor asks the girls if they've ever been diving before. Kate has, but of course Lisa hasn't because she's boring. She lies and says yes, and Taylor knows she's lying, but takes her money anyway. They chug out onto the ocean, where Taylor's "crewman" Javier starts chumming the water to attract sharks. Kate points out that this is illegal, but Javier says it's OK because they're in Mexico. Charming!

Soon a couple of sharks show up, and Louis and Benjamin get in the cage. Seems odd that the two guys would dive together, but whatever. Taylor lowers the cage just under the water, and the guys get a spectacular view of the sharks swimming around them.

When it's the girl's turn, Taylor infodumps a bunch of expository dialogue, carefully explaining to them (and the audience) how scuba tanks and depth gauges work. He lowers them just under the water, and after a few minutes the girls see an impossibly huge Great White shark cruise past.

Lisa starts getting nervous (because she's boring), and uses her scuba mask's' hi-tech communication system to tell Taylor to bring them up. As he does, his rickety winch malfunctions, and the cage suddenly drops a dozen feet or so. The girls panic and try to get out of the cage. Before they can though, the winch chain breaks and the cage plummets to the ocean floor, 47 Meters Below (Houston, We Have A Title!).

They try to radio Taylor, but unfortunately they're too far down (really?). Kate opens the hatch at the top of the cage and swims up to 40 meters, where she can finally contact Taylor. He tells them to stay put in the cage, as ascending too quickly will give them the bends and kill them. He says he's sending Javier down with a cable to pull them back up with his "spare winch."

The girls huddle in the tank as they watch their oxygen supplies slowly dwindle. They see a flashlight in the distance, and realize it's Javier. They start banging on the cage to attract his attention, but the flashlight hangs motionless in the gloom. Kate's oxygen is dangerously low (because she swam up to contact Taylor, I guess?), so Lisa reluctantly offers to go meet Javier and bring him back.

Lisa hugs the ocean floor as she slowly makes her way to the flashlight. She comes to a terrifying sheer drop-off, with no discernible bottom, and  forces herself to cross it. Suddenly a shark appears, and she hides in a small cave until it leaves. She makes it to the flashlight, but doesn't see Javier anywhere. She sees his speargun lying by the light.

She grabs the flashlight and spear and swims back to the cage. She's horrified when she spots half of Javier's body on the ocean floor, along with the cable. She pulls the cable back to the cage and attaches it to the top. She then swims up to 40 meters to tell Taylor to start pulling them up. Lisa gets back in the cage, and sees Kate's air is almost gone.

The cage begins rising slowly, so as not to give the girls the bends. Hilariously, when they get to 20 meters this cable snaps as well (!), and the cage falls back down to the bottom (!!!). Unfortunately Lisa's leg is pinned under the heavy cage, trapping her. Kate swims up to tell Taylor they're still alive, and he says he's sending down extra oxygen tanks for them. He warns Kate that switching tanks can cause "nitrogen narcosis," and they may start hallucinating (?). He says he's alerted the Coast Guard, which should arrive within an hour to rescue them.

Kate sees two tanks and some flares fall to the ocean floor and swims out to get them. Her air's almost gone, and she manages to switch to one of the new tanks in the nick of time. A shark appears (a rarity in this film) and she hides against some rocks until it swims away. Just as she reaches the cage, the shark reappears and carries her off, presumably killing her. She drops the other tank just outside the cage.

Lisa weeps for her sister until her oxygen gauge starts beeping, indicating she's almost out of air. Unfortunately she can't reach the extra tank just outside the cage, as her leg's pinned. She uses Javier's speargun to try and drag the tank to her. She accidentally fires the gun, slicing open her hand. Eventually she manages to hook the tank and is somehow able to swap it out like a pro seconds before her air runs out. She then inflates her BCD (Buoyancy Control Device), which lifts the cage just enough for her to rip her leg out from under it.

She swims out of the top of the cage, and miraculously runs into a badly-wounded Kate (hmm...). The two swim slowly to the surface, stopping periodically so they don't get the bends. They decide to light the flares, hoping they'll ward off sharks. They light one, and when it goes out, Kate lights the other, but drops it. Lisa lights the third and last flare, which reveals they're surrounded by a dozen hungry sharks.

Somehow the girls make it to the surface. Louis and Benjamin pull them out of the water. Just as Lisa's almost in the ship, a shark leaps up and chomps on her leg. She jabs it in the eye, causing it to let go. She lies on the deck of the boat, laughing in relief.

Suddenly Lisa wakes up, and realizes everything after Kate's death was an elaborate hallucination and she's still trapped in the cage (!). She sees Coast Guard divers come toward her and remove her from the cage. The movie ends as they lift her slowly to the surface. Or maybe this was another hallucination, who knows?

Thoughts:
• For a film that advertises itself as a "shark movie," there really aren't all that many sharks in it. The movie's only eighty five minutes long, and less than ten of them actually features sharks.


• 47 meters is only about 154 feet. Put that way, it doesn't sound like all that terrifying or dangerous. Amazingly though, you don't have to go very deep before you start feeling the effects of the sea. Water pressure increases one atmosphere for every ten meters you descend. So at 47 meters it would feel like almost FIVE atmosphere's pressing against your body!

• Matthew Modine shows up for a few minutes in the movie as the "Day Player." 

See, low budget movies can't afford an all-star cast, so they usually hire one big name actor— usually an older star whose fame has faded a bit. The producers can usually only afford to hire them for one day, two at the most. They then use that day to film as many scenes as they can with the actor. Then they sprinkle those scenes throughout the movie, to give the illusion that they're in it much more than they really are.

This is an old, old trick employed by thousands of cheap B-movies.

This is definitely the case here with Matthew Modine. He appears in a couple of brief scenes at the beginning of the movie and then completely disappears. His voice is occasionally heard on the radio a couple times afterward, but that's it.

• It occurred to me while writing this review that this is the first ever Mandy Moore movie I've ever seen in my life. I guess at long last I can finally cross that item off my bucket list.

• James Van Der Beek was cast as Lisa's boyfriend Stuart, and filmed several scenes with Mandy Moore. All his scenes ended up on the cutting room floor though, as the final film just references him briefly. 


For some reason, Louis and Benjamin get in the shark cage together, leaving the girls up on the ship with Taylor and Javier. When they're done, Kate and Lisa pair up in the cage. Doesn't that seem a little strange?

Presumably they're all on a date, right? So why wouldn't each guy pair up with one of the girls for their dive?

Answer: Because if the experienced Benjamin paired up with Lisa, he'd have known exactly what to do when the cage plummeted to the ocean floor, and the movie would have been fifteen minutes long.


Plus, like it or not, women are generally seen as more vulnerable than men, so it's supposedly scarier to have two frightened gals trapped on the ocean floor.

This is what you call your Plot Contrivance. There was no logical reason to have the girls dive together, other than to make the movie scarier.


• For someone with such a ramshackle, derelict boat, Taylor's scuba gear has a surprisingly sophisticated communication system. The characters have no difficulty talking to one another, even under water.

That said, this comm system seems to have an extremely limited range. The cage falls to the ocean floor, and the two women can't contact Taylor on his ship, which is only 47 meters, or 154 feet away. Kate eventually has to swim up to 40 meters, or 131 feet, before Taylor can pick up her signal.

154 feet doesn't seem like all that big a distance. It certainly doesn't seem like enough to cause a radio signal to fade. Does water somehow block radio waves?

• I've never been scuba diving in my life, so my knowledge of it's pretty limited. From what I've read though, the scuba science in this movie is woefully inaccurate. Laughable, even. Here're a few examples of things the movie got wrong.


As the girls get in the shark tank, Taylor explains that they have an hour's worth of oxygen. But the amount of time you can breathe a tank of compressed air decreases with depth. A scuba tank might well last an hour near the surface, but at 47 meters you'd only get twenty five minutes. Even less if you're panicking or exerting yourself, like the characters were.

Taylor constantly warns the girls that they'll get the bends if they surface too fast. Unfortunately going down is just as bad as coming up. At the high rate of speed the cage fell, the girls' eardrums would have likely burst, possibly causing permanent deafness!

Taylor also warns Kate and Lisa about "nitrogen narcosis," saying it could cause them to experience elaborate hallucinations. Yeah, that's not how it works. It doesn't cause you to dream up fully-realized fantasy worlds, it just makes you dull-witted, like you're drunk.

The question is, do these inaccuracies really matter?

My first instinct is to say yes. A screenwriter should always try to be as accurate as possible, especially these days when looking up facts and figures literally takes seconds.

But then I start thinking about Jaws. It's one of the greatest movies ever made, yet it features some truly eye-rolling shark behavior (contrary to popular belief, real sharks don't stalk people like the villain in a slasher film). 
It's not fair to give Jaws' scientific inaccuracy a pass while mocking 47 Meters Down for doing the same thing.

After thinking about it a while, I came up with an answer to the accuracy question. If a movie features a particular procedure in a brief scene that isn't integral to the plot, then scientific accuracy isn't that big a deal. But if the ENTIRE PLOT revolves around that specific procedure (like scuba diving), then it absolutely needs to be as accurate as humanly possible.


• Near the end of the film, Lisa and Kate make it to the surface and swim to the boat. Just as Lisa's pulled from the water, a shark jumps up and bites her on her leg. Somehow she manages to free herself and is pulled to safety. She lays on the deck, happy to finally be out of the water.

Annnnnd then she comes to, realizing her whole "rescue" was just an hallucination, and she's still sitting on the ocean floor! So basically she created an elaborate fantasy in which she attacked by a shark during her "rescue!" I dunno about anyone else, but I don't think I'd incorporate something like that into my imaginary world.


47 Meters Down is a survival horror film that's light on thrills, scares and, well, horror. Worst of all, for a film that's ostensibly about sharks, there're very few of them on display. In fact the biggest danger in the movie isn't from man-eating fish, but from shady tour guides with dilapidated boats. The movie's also filled with nonsensical and inaccurate "science" that'll have scuba enthusiasts in the audience rolling their eyes till they sprain 'em. Do yourself a favor and rewatch Jaws instead. I give it a C-.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

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The new trailer for Season 8 of The Walking Dead premiered this week at the San Diego Comic-Con.

There's not much of note in the trailer until the very end, when we see a long, lingering, gauzy shot of a visible older Rick waking up in bed, complete with a comical Rip Van Winkle beard.

Predictably, many fans have taken to the internet, announcing that this shot confirms the ridiculous "The Entire Series Is A Nightmare In Rick's Head As He Lies In A Coma In The Hospital" theory that's been going around for many years.

Sigh....

Anyone who thinks that has obviously never read the comic. The trailer means the show's doing the "Time Jump" that happened in Issue #127 of The Walking Dead comic. See, after the events of the "All Out War" storyline (between Rick's and Negan's forces), the book jumped ahead approximately three years. I won't get into spoilers here, but let's just say a lot of things had changed for the characters during that time.

And just in case you don't believe me, the shot of the cane right before we see Older Rick confirms the Time Jump storyline. In Issue #127, Rick had to start walking with a cane for reasons. So there you go. Time Jump, not Coma Dream.

The Time Jump has quickly become something of a cliche in serialized TV shows the past few years. It's generally used when the writers want to change the status quo of a series, but have neither the time or the talent to show the audience how the characters got there.

The most famous example of the Time Jump occured in Battlestar Galactica, which skipped ahead an entire year during the final moments of its Season 2 finale. That "One Year Later..." caption was a shocking, game-changing WTF moment, and made a huge impression on the audience and Hollywood writers alike. Suddenly dozens of other series were using the Time Jump trope, hoping to capture some of that same magic. It rarely if ever worked.

Doctor Who famously did a "One Year Later" jump in Last Of The Time Lords, although it was undone by the end of the episode. There've been many other actual Time Jumps during Steven Moffat's tenure as showrunner.

Fringe may hold the record for furthest time jump, as it leaped ahead to 2036 in its fifth season.

Many other shows have used it as well, including The 100, 24, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., Angel, Hannibal, House, Mad Men, Once Upon A Time, One Tree Hill, Parks & Recreation, Supernatural, True Blood and The X-Files.



Ape Shall Not Kill Horse

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I'm currently working diligently on my War For The Planet Of The Apes review. In the meantime, check out this scene from the film:

Man, I feel sorry for that horse on the right! One rider at a time, please!

Any second I expect to see this happen in that scene.

It Came From The Cineplex: Spider-Man: Homecoming

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Spider-Man: Homecoming was written by Johnathan Goldstein, John Francis Daley, Chris McKenna, Erik Sommers, Christopher Ford and Jon Watts. Yep, it took a whopping SIX people to write this thing. It was directed by Jon Watts. 

Goldstein has worked primarily in TV, occasionally scripting mediocre films with actor/writer John Francis Daley (who played Sam Weir on Freaks & Geeks). Together they wrote Horrible Bosses, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2, Horrible Bosses 2 and Vacation. McKenna previously wrote Igor, and wrote The Lego Batman Movie along with Erik Sommers.

Ford and Watts previously wrote the low budget indie films Clown (a mediocre movie about a man who transforms into an evil clown after putting on a costume) and Cop Car (a pretty good movie about two young boys who steal a police cruiser). Watts also directed both films.

Yep, once again a studio takes a novice director with one or two little films under his belt and hands him the keys to a major, multi-million dollar tentpole picture. Seems like a risky strategy to me. On the other hand, these days movie studios just lovvvvvve to interfere and micromanage their films. If they tried to do this with a seasoned director like David Fincher, he'd likely tell them to piss right off. If they tell a nooby director to jump, he'll eagerly say, "Sir, how high, sir!"

So how is Spider-Man: Homecoming? Is it better or worse than the previous FIVE Spider-films? Overall I liked it quite a bit, even though it seemed to take a while to get going and engage me.
I'd call it good, but not great. It's most definitely a standard Marvel Studios movie, as it has their fingerprints all over it.


Honestly I liked the movie more for what it DIDN'T do. There was no world-ending threat or blue laser stabbing into the sky, as the film's stakes were pretty low. That's fine with me, as Spider-Man is traditionally a street-level superhero. The villain actually had a pretty good motive for his actions, as for once there was no convoluted revenge plot. And best of all, we didn't get a THIRD tedious rehashing of Spider-Man's origin story! Amazing!


Spider-Man: Homecoming marks the THIRD big-screen version of the titular character. It's also the first ever joint venture between Sony (who owns the film rights to Spider-Man) and Marvel Studios. So how'd that happen, you ask?

It seems hard to believe now, but back in the 1990s Marvel Comics was in serious financial trouble and darned near went bankrupt (!). In order to save the company, they started selling off the movie rights to their characters to various studios. New Line bought Blade The Vampire Hunter, while Fox purchased the X-Men and all their related characters, along with the Fantastic 4 and Daredevil. Universal acquired the Hulk, and Sony bought Spider-Man.

The move worked, as it saved Marvel from bankruptcy. Unfortunately the various films produced by the disparate studios varied wildly in quality. Some were quite good, while others were so bad it's a miracle they stuck to the film.

Marvel executives were convinced they could do a better job of adapting their characters to the screen. In 2004 they formed Marvel Studios, and began making their own films based on the characters they still owned. Their first film was 2008's Iron Man, which they distributed through a partnership with Paramount Pictures. Iron Man was a box office hit, and over the next five years Marvel Studios carefully and deliberately released a string of other successful films (such as Captain America: The First Avenger and Thor), culminating in 2012's teamup movieThe Avengers.

Meanwhile, Sony produced a series of Spider-Man films with ever diminishing critical and box office returns. Spider-Man (2002) and Spider-Man 2 (2004) were both very good, but Spider-Man 3 (2007) stunk on ice (due partly to studio interference on Sony's part). The less said about The Amazing Spider-Man and The Amazing Spider-Man 2, the better. In fact The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was the lowest grossing film in the series, barely making back its production and marketing costs.

Angry fans called for Sony to stop ruining the character, and give him back to Marvel Studios where he belonged. To their credit, Sony realized they suck at making movies, er, I mean realized they had no idea what they were doing, er, I mean realized they needed help. They approached Marvel Studios, asking them to produce a new Spider-Man film for them, while they'd retain creative control, marketing and distribution.Seeing dollar signs in their eyes, Marvel agreed, and a deal was formed.

In a brilliant move, Marvel introduced their new and improved Spider-Man in 2016's Captain America: Civil War. His appearance was one of the highlights of the film, reviving public interest in the character. Which leads us to Spider-Man: Homecoming. The title obviously has multiple meanings, as it references the homecoming dance relevant to the plot, as well as the fact that Spider-Man's finally been returned (more or less) to Marvel Studios, where he belongs.

Normally I hate 3D movies with the white hot passion of a thousand exploding suns. I willingly saw Spider-Man: Homecoming in 3D though, because all the 2D showings at my cineplexery were sold out, so it was either that or nothing. Some friendly advice: DO NOT see this movie in 3D. The fake, post-production 3D was some of the worst I've ever seen, and did absolutely nothing but siphon an extra $3 from my wallet. In fact there were times when the movie looked completely flat and I forgot I was supposed to be watching a 3D film— that's how poor the conversion process was.

So far the film's doing OK, grossing $571 million worldwide against its $175 million budget. While that sounds impressive, it's far behind even the lowest grossing Spider-Man film. I have a feeling the less than spectacular box office performance could be due to the fact that this is the SIXTH Spider-Man film in fifteen years, and the public may just be Spider-Manned out.  

Spider-Man: Homecoming's got a long way to go before it surpasses its predecessors at the box office. Hopefully it'll make it, because it's a decent film and I want Marvel/Sony to make more in the series.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin with a flashback to the aftermath of the first Avengers movie, as Adrian Toomes (played by Michael Keaton) and his salvage crew are cleaning up the rubble caused by the heroes' battle with Loki and the alien Chitauri. Just then a group called Damage Control arrives and announces they're taking over the operation. Toomes is livid, wondering how his business will survive.

When Toomes finds out Tony Stark (played by Robert Downey Jr.) owns Damage Control, he feels it's a case of the rich shoving aside the little guy. Toomes and his crew begin secretly salvaging junk from superhero battles. Cut to eight years later, as Toomes has built a mini empire by stealing high tech junk. He uses a flying suit, complete with a gigantic pair of wings, built from scavenged Chitauri tech. Why, he's just like... a vulture!

Cut to the events of Captain America: Civil War, as we see the Berlin Airport Battle from Peter Parker's point of view. After the fight, Tony Stark brings Peter back to New York. He allows Peter to keep the Spider-Man suit he designed for him, and assigns his assistant Happy Hogan (played by John Favreau) to keep an eye on Peter. Stark tells the eager young Peter he'll call him if he needs him.

Peter takes this "promise" seriously, expecting to be called up for a new mission any second. Eventually he settles back into his normal routine, as he tries to balance his life as a student at Midtown High with his newfound career as Spider-Man. He decides to quit the academic decathlon team to devote more time to crimefighting. This disappoints his classmates, including his best friend Ned and his secret crush Liz.

One night Peter goes on patrol and stops four bank robbers armed with high-tech alien weapons. Unfortunately during the confrontation, one of the robbers destroys a bodega across the street, nearly killing the owner. Peter realizes he's still got a lot to learn about the superhero business.

Later that night Peter avoids his Aunt May (played by Marisa Tomei) by sneaking into his room through an open window. Unfortunately Ned's there waiting for him, and realizes he's secretly Spider-Man. Peter makes Ned swear to keep his secret in order to protect Aunt May.

The next day at school Peter and Ned gaze longingly at Liz, who of course isn't interested in either of them. When Ned hears Liz say she has a crush on Spider-Man, he instantly blurts out that Peter knows him. Liz invites Peter & Ned to her party, hoping they'll invite Spider-Man. Gosh, I can see why Peter likes her so much!

Peter and Ned show up at Liz's party. Peter's harassed by Flash Thompson (the world's lamest movie bully) who doesn't believe he knows Spider-Man. Enraged, Peter decides it's time for Spider-Man to appear and humiliate Flash. He goes out to change into his costume, but sees an explosion in the distance. He rushes to investigate, and sees two of Toomes' men, Brice and Schultz, selling Chitauri tech to local gangster Aaron Davis (played by a dozing Donald Glover). Brice demonstrates a pair of powerful, energy-blasting gauntlets to Davis.

Spider-Man tries to apprehend Toomes' men, but they get away and drive off. He follows them, which is easier said than done in the suburbs. Suddenly the Vulture swoops down and grabs Spider-Man, flying him high into the air and dropping him. Somehow Spider-Man activates a parachute on his suit, but it becomes tangled and he falls into a river. As he struggles underwater, Iron Man, who'd been tracking him, shows up and saves him. Iron Man scolds Peter, telling him to leave crime fighting to the adults. As Peter despondently heads for home, he finds an alien power source that one of Toomes' men dropped.

Back at Toome's HQ, he's angry that with Brice and Schultz for demonstrating high tech weapons in public, and dropping a power source to boot. He fires Brice, who then threatens his family. Toomes vaporizes Brice and gives his gauntlets to Schultz, nicknaming him the "Shocker."

Later Ned studies the alien power source, while Peter tries to figure out all the features in his Spider-Man suit. Ned discovers that the suit is in "training wheels mode," implying it has more advanced features that Tony Stark didn't trust Peter with. Peter forces Ned to deactivate the training mode. 

Peter hunts down Schultz and places a spider-tracker on him. Peter and Ned then see that Schultz is headed for Maryland, which is near the Academic Decathlon Competition in Washington DC. Peter then rejoins the team (much to Flash's chagrin) so he can hitch a ride to DC and find Schultz.

In DC, Peter sneaks out of his hotel room and tracks Schultz. He discovers Toomes' and his crew hijacking a Damage Control truck that's filled with more alien tech. Peter manages to stop them, but in the process he's trapped inside the truck and knocked unconscious. He wakes up inside a Damage Control warehouse, which is sealed till morning. He passes the time by discovering how his suit works. He talks to the A.I. system in his suit, which is similar to that of Iron Man's. He decides to call his suit's A.I. "Karen" for some reason. Karen tells him the alien power core he discovered will explode like a bomb if exposed to radiation. Peter realizes the core is in Ned's backpack, and figures out a way to escape the warehouse.

Peter misses the academic competition, but his school wins without him, thanks to weirdo loner Michelle Jones (played by Zendaya, whoever that is). The team goes sightseeing at the Washington Monument, as Peter unsuccessfully tries to call Ned. He rushes to the Monument and arrives just as the core explodes, seriously damaging the elevator. Spider-Man climbs up the side of the Monument, breaks through a window and rescues his teammates seconds before the elevator crashes to the ground far below.

Back in New York, Peter meets with Aaron Davis, who tells him Toomes is planning to steal more tech from the Staten Island Ferry that afternoon. Peter swings out to the ferry and confronts Toomes— in costume as the Vulture— and his men, including Mac Gargan, aka the Scorpion. During their altercation, one of the high tech weapons misfires, slicing the ferry in half. Spider-Man heroically uses his webs in a futile effort to hold the ship together. Suddenly Iron Man appears and saves the ship by welding it back together.

Tony Stark then meets with Peter on a rooftop and tears him a new one, saying he's reckless and dangerous. He demands the Spider-Suit back, which devastates Peter. He says he's nothing without the suit, and Stark says if that's true, then he doesn't deserve to have it. Ouch!

Peter goes back home, where Aunt May says she knows he skipped detention and missed the Academic Decathlon, and knows that he's been sneaking out every night. She demands an explanation, and he tells her he lost the "Stark Internship," which of course is code for the Spider-Suit.

Without the suit, Peter becomes a normal student again. He even musters up the courage to tell Liz he likes her, and asks her to the Homecoming Dance.

On the night of the dance, Peter goes to Liz's house to pick her up. He's stunned when he sees her father is Adrian Toomes (GASP!). Toomes drives Liz and a visibly shaken Peter to the dance. He says he feels he knows Peter, and after some shrewd and careful questioning, works out that he's really Spider-Man. He tells Peter in secret to stay away from him and his salvage dealings, or he'll kill everyone he knows.

At the dance, Liz asks why Peter's so distracted. He finds out that Toomes is planning to steal a plane full of weaponry from Avengers Tower. He leaves Liz at the dance, and dons a homemade Spider-Man costume. As he heads outside, he's attacked by the Shocker. Peter gets his ass handed to him, and just as the Shocker's about to deliver the killing blow, Ned appears and saves him. 

With Ned's help, Peter tracks Toomes to his HQ. Toomes uses his suit to destroy the building, bringing it down on top of Peter. He then flies off to intercept the plane. Peter's trapped under tons of rubble, unable to move. He's ready to give up, until he remembers Tony's words ("If you're nothing without the suit, then you don't deserve it"). This causes him to rally, and he uses his enhanced strength to lift the rubble off him, in a recreation of one of the most famous moments from the comic.

Spider-Man swings to Avengers' Tower just as the plane takes off. Toomes follows it, and somehow Spider-Man latches onto his flying rig without him noticing. They have an epic battle on the plane, which eventually disables it, causing it to head right for downtown Manhattan. Peter's able to divert the plane, causing it to crash on Coney Island. 

Toomes grabs some power cores from the wreckage and starts to fly off. Peter tries to warn him that they're unstable and will explode, but Toomes doesn't listen. Sure enough, the cores explode, causing Toomes to crash to the ground. Peter pulls him from the flames and saves him. A groggy Toomes sees a severely injured Peter limp away, and realizes what he did for him. Happy arrives with the police, and Toomes is arrested. 

Later at school, Liz tells Peter she and her mom are moving to Oregon while her father's on trial. She says she's sorry things didn't work out for them, and hopes Peter figures out his priorities. Michelle's made captain of the Academic Decathlon team, and tells Peter to call her "MJ." Fan Service! Happy shows up, thanking Peter for his help, and says Tony wants to see him.

Happy brings Peter to the new Avengers HQ we saw at the end of Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Tony presents Peter with a new, even more advanced Spider-Suit, and wants to make him an official Avenger. He says he's called a press conference to make the announcement. Peter's amazed, but ultimately turns him down, opting instead to be a "friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man." More Fan Service!

After Peter leaves, Pepper Potts appears, saying the reporters are getting antsy. Apparently Tony really did call a press conference, and his offer to Peter was real and not a test. Happy gives Tony a ring, so he can use the press conference to propose to Pepper.

Peter returns home, and finds a large paper bag (?) on his bed. Inside is the original Stark Spider-Suit. He puts it on, unaware Aunt May's standing behind him. She shrieks "WHAT THE FU..." as we smash cut to black before she can finish her sentence.

In the obligatory mid credits scene, Toomes is in prison on The Raft. Gargan approaches him, saying he plans on escaping and killing Spider-Man. He demands Toomes tell him Spider-Man's secret identity. Toomes says he doesn't know it and walks off.

Thoughts:
• Many viewers
 myself included— were confused by the movie's timeline. It opens with a flashback set shortly after the Battle Of New York, as seen in The Avengers. It then jumps forward as we see a helpful caption that reads "Eight Years Later."

Woah, woah, woah, wait just a minute here! The Avengers came out back in 2012. If we assume the events of the film also took place in that year, then that means Spider-Man: Homecoming is set firmly in 2020.

Predictably, determined fans have taken to the internet with charts, graphs and convoluted theories attempting to explain this grievous and unforgivable temporal anomaly.

Personally I think the 2020 time frame was a deliberate choice on the part of Marvel Studios. See, in the film Peter Parker's a fifteen year old high school sophomore. I'm assuming in the next film he'll be a junior and then he'll round out the trilogy as a senior.

If the current film really takes place in 2017, then by the time the sequel rolls around three years from now, fans will demand to know how Peter could still be in high school in 2020. See what I mean? But by setting this movie a few years from now, Marvel's sort of future-proofed it.

Or maybe Marvel just forgot when The Avengers came out and screwed up. Who knows? Honestly this doesn't bother me, as I really don't think the timeline of the Marvel movies matters all that much. That's the last thing I think about while watching them.

• For once we get a Spider-Man movie with a Peter Parker who actually looks like a teenager, instead of a thirty year old. Well done, Marvel! Tom Holland, who plays Peter, is nineteen— the youngest actor to ever play the role. Tobey Maquire was twenty five when he was first cast, and Andrew Garfield was twenty six when he took over the part.

• The best thing about this film is that we didn't have to sit through yet another tedious retelling of Spider-Man's origin. We've seen it twice already— we don't need to see it again, thanks.

On the other hand, the movie seems to bank on the audience's knowledge of the character from the previous films, which isn't fair. Bad form, movie! If you've see any of the previous Spider-Man films, then you'll know how Peter got his powers. If you've not seen them, then you'll likely be scratching your head here, wondering how he can crawl on walls and such. There's a very brief mention of him being bitten by a spider, and that's it.

Also, Peter became a superhero due to the guilt he felt after the death of his Uncle Ben. There's absolutely ZERO mention of this in the film. Heck, the characters talk about the spider that bit Peter more than they do poor old Uncle Ben. The closest he gets to an acknowledgement is when Peter talks about "everything that Aunt May's gone through recently."

OK, I freely admit I sound like a typical whining fanboy who's never satisfied. I bitch when they rehash the origin and moan when they don't. But there's got to be a middle ground here.

• Michael Keaton plays Adrian Toomes, aka The Vulture (even though he's never actually called that in the movie). 
Apparently it's state law that whenever Keaton is in a superhero film, he has to play a character with a winged costume.
He was previously in Batman, Batman Returns and Birdman.

Toomes is actually an interesting villain for once, which is a rarity in Marvel movies. He doesn't want to rule the world or destroy the galaxy, he's just a little guy trying to eke out a living in a cruel world. It's a refreshing change, and one that everyone can relate to.

That said, I'm not a huge fan of this modern trend of "humanizing" villains. Why do their actions always have to be justified somehow? Why can't a villain just be a plain old asshole who loves being evil? Is that not interesting enough for today's audiences?

By the way, the big twist in the third act is that Toomes turns out to be the father of Peter's love interest Liz. GASP! Unfortunately this "Villain Turns Out To Be Someone Close To Peter Parker" plotline has been used in EVERY previous Spider-Man movie. 

In Spider-Man, Norman Osborn (the father of Peter's friend Harry Osborn) was revealed to be the Green Goblin. In Spider-Man 2, Otto Octavius became Dr. Octopus. In Spider-Man 3, Harry Osborn becomes the new Goblin, Peter's Daily Bugle rival Eddie Brock becomes Venom and we find out the Sandman was the one who really murdered Uncle Ben. In The Amazing Spider-Man, Peter's mentor Dr. Curt Connors became the Lizard. And in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Peter's friend Harry Osborn became the Green Goblin, while Max Dillon, a man he snubbed, becomes Electro.

As you can see, this "Familiar Villain" trope has more than worn out its welcome. Time for a new plotline!

• In the flashback at the beginning of the movie, Toomes and his crew are sweeping up after the Battle Of New York. They're interrupted by Damage Control, a private company owned by Tony Stark.

Damage Control was actually a thing in the comics, and appeared in three miniseries between 1989 and 1991. The comic was a bit more humorous than what we saw here, and it was pitched as a "sitcom in the Marvel Universe." It was founded by Anne Marie Hoag (played by Tyne Daily in the film), and was originally owned by Tony Stark and Wilson Fisk (aka the Kingpin, seen on the Daredevil Netflix series). The Damage Control headquarters was located in the Flatiron Building.

Kinda cool to see such an obscure comic reference brought to life in the movie!


By the way, check out this house ad for the Damage Control series, complete with an image of the World Trade Center after it's been shattered and shoddily repaired. Yikes! The damage is played for laughs here, as no one back then could have possibly known the real life horrors that were to come. The 1980s were a different time!

• Marisa Tomei reprises her role as Peter's Aunt May, that she first played in Captain America: Civil War. As a lifelong Spider-Man fan, it's frankly disturbing and kind of confusing to see an Aunt May who's actually hot instead of a frail, elderly old woman.

Aunt May's traditionally been more, er, mature in the movies as well. Rosemary Harris was seventy four when she played the part in Spider-Man, and Sally Field was sixty five when she took over in The Amazing Spider-Man. At fifty two, Marisa Tomei's the youngest actress to play the part so far.

If this trend keeps up, eventually Peter and Aunt May are going to be the same age!

I kid, but actually it makes sense for Aunt May to be middle aged. Peter's mom was probably around forty when she died. If May's her sister, she'd likely be around the same age, not ninety five!

Maybe the traditional ancient Aunt May was Peter's great, great aunt?

• I'm very puzzled by Peter's best friend Ned Leeds in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Not because of his inclusion,  as he practically stole the show, but due to his name.

See, Ned Leeds first appeared in 1964's Amazing Spider-Man #18. He was an adult white reporter for the Daily Bugle, and was Peter's workplace rival. He eventually became the villainous Hobgoblin and was ultimately killed.

Many years later in 2011's Ultimate Fallout #4, a black/Puerto Rican teen named Miles Morales became Spider-Man on a parallel Earth.


Miles' best friend was a Korean/American classmate named Ganke Lee, who first appeared in 2011's Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #2. It's patently obvious that the "Ned" we see in the film was modeled after Ganke. Look at him! They couldn't have found an actor who looked more like Ganke if they'd tried! So why the hell did they change his name? Was the name "Ganke Lee" too ethnic? Too hard to pronounce? Too strange?

I'm betting it's an issue of money. Writer Brian Michael Bendis created Ganke, meaning Marvel would have to pay him royalties for using the character. Doessimply changing his name (and nothing else) mean he's now considered a completely new character in the eyes of the law, and Marvel no longer has to pay Bendis?

• In the comics, Flash Thompson has traditionally been depicted as a dumb, musclebound jock who physically bullied Peter. I guess that's too much of a cliche here in "woke" 2017, because Flash is now a rich, entitled little asshole who just verbally antagonizes Peter. 

He's also on the Academic Decathlon team, meaning he's much smarter than the old school Flash. Oddly enough, this Flash is about the same size as Peter, if not smaller. Even without the proportionate strength of a spider, it looks like Peter would have no trouble cleaning his clock. So why doesn't he?


• I like Donald Glover quite a bit, but what the hell was up with his drowsy performance in this movie? He slurred his way through his role with an extremely laid-back delivery, like he was in danger of dozing off any second. I honestly can't tell if this was a bizarre acting choice on his part, or if he was legitimately high during filming.

• All In The Family: In the film Jennifer Connelly provides the voice of Karen, the A.I. installed in Spider-Man's suit. Connelly's husband Paul Bettany was the voice of Jarvis, the A.I. inside Tony Stark's Iron Man suit in his first three films. Bethany later became the Vision in Avengers: Age Of Ultron.

• Kenneth Choi plays Principal Morita, the head of Peter's high school. Choi also played Commando Jim Morita of the Howling Commandos in Captain America: The First Avenger. There's a photo of the Howling Commandos in the Principal's office, which implies he's likely the grandson of Jim Morita.

Also if you look closely in the halls of Midtown High, you'll see photos of Howard Stark, Bruce Banner and Abraham Erskine (who invented Captain America's Super Soldier Serum).

• As we saw in Captain America: Civil War, the Spider-Man suit that Tony Stark made for Peter features articulated eye-holes. The suit's eyes are downright expressive, seemingly mirroring Peter's emotions as they narrow in suspicion and enlarge with surprise.

This seems like exactly the type of unnecessary but showy thing Tony Stark would build into the suit. He did it because he could.

In Spider-Man: Homecoming, Tony punishes Peter by taking the Spider-Suit away from him. Peter then starts using his original, homemade Spider-Man suit. Oddly enough, this primitive suit ALSO features crudely articulated eyes as well! What the hell? Why would Peter take the time and trouble to figure out a way to build completely useless and superfluous feature in his cobbled-together costume?

Unless.... what if it's not a useless feature after all? Maybe the eye articulation in both suits isn't just cosmetic, but functional. Maybe when the eyes on the suit narrow, they're actually zooming in on a subject?


• This is the first Spider-Man film in which his iconic "web wings" appear. The wings were a regular feature of the Spider-Man costume in the early days of the comic, but later they kind of came and went, depending on whether or not the artist remembered to draw them.

• At one point Peter and Aunt May eat in a Thai restaurant that's next to a Korean church.

If you look closely, the sign in the church window reads, "Korean Church Of Asgard!" Apparently the citizens of the Marvel Cinematic Universe have started worshiping the Norse Gods again!

This actually makes perfect sense. The people of New York witnessed a musclebound, blond-haired man flying around the city, conjuring up lightning with his magic hammer. Of course they'd think he was a god! He'd certainly be much easier to believe in than the invisible, faith-based gods of most other religions who can't be bothered to ever make an appearance in public!

• Several times in the film we see brief shots of Peter's smartphone, and its screen is cracked all to hell. This was a nice little bit of realism on the part of the filmmakers. Of course his screen's cracked! He's probably dropped his phone dozens of times while swinging through the city!

 features a ton of obscure characters from the comics that the general public will never, ever recognize.

In the movie: Toomes' righthand man is named Mason. He's the one who builds all of the Vulture's high tech gadgets. In the comics: Phineas Mason was an inventor who called himself The Terrible Tinkerer (!). He cobbled together weapons and gadgets for many of Spider-Man's enemies.

In the movie: Peter's high school has its own "morning news" program, hosted by two students: Jason Ionello and Betty Brant. In the comics: Jason was part of Flash Thompson's gang and often bullied Peter. Betty was Peter's first crush, and later worked as J. Jonah Jameson's secretary at the Daily Bugle.

In the movie: Jackson Brice, one of Toomes' men, wears an electrical gauntlet and calls himself the Shocker. Toomes eventually kills Brice, and gives the gauntlet to Herman Schultz, another of his men. In the comics: Jackson Brice was a member of The Enforcers, a gang that often clashed with Spider-Man. Brice called himself Montana, and had incredible lasso skills (?). Herman Schultz was the Shocker, one of Spider-Man's earliest and most persistent villains.

In the movie: Mac Gargan is one of the gang who attacks the Staten Island Ferry. Gargan has a large scorpion tattoo on his neck. In the comics: Gargan is the Scorpion, one of Spider-Man's deadliest villains. He wears— what else— a scorpion costume with a powerful, prehensile tail.

• At one point Spider-Man finds himself in the suburbs, and quickly discovers his web-swinging powers are useless outside the skyscrapers of New York City.

Believe it or not, this storyline actually happened in the comics! InAmazing Spider-Man #267, Peter chases a burglar into the suburbs and ends up having to hitch rides on various modes of public transportation back to the city. The filmmakers definitely did their homework here!

• At first I wasn't a fan of the high tech Spider-Suit that Tony Stark made for Peter. Spider-Man's always been sort of a DIY superhero— he's not supposed to have a billionaire patron! And he's definitely not supposed to have a costume that's filled with advanced weaponry and its own artificial intelligence! This new high tech suit made him seem more like a junior Iron Man than Spider-Man.

But then I realized it's not as radical an idea as it first seems. In the movie: Peter uses a mechanical spider to spy on and follow enemies. In the comics: Peter invented a spider-tracer that he could place on enemies and track them.

In the movie: Peter discovers the logo on the front of his suit is actually a drone, which can transmit what it sees to him. In the comics: Peter invents a drone that follows him around and photographs him, so he can sell the pictures to the Daily Bugle

In the movie: Ned unlocks the Combat Mode on Peter's suit, giving him access to several hundred different types of webbing. In the comics: Peter's often experimented with different types and formulas of webbing.

In the movie: Tony Stark makes Peter's advanced Spider-Suit. In the comics: Tony Stark built an advanced "Iron Spider" suit for Peter in the Civil War miniseries.

So the movie's high tech version of the Spider-Suit actually follows the comic pretty closely.

• When Peter's trapped in the Damage Control warehouse, he roots through a pile of high-tech junk. One of the items he picks up and quickly tosses aside appears to be Ultron's head, from Avengers: Age Of Ultron.

• In the third act, the Vulture literally brings the house down on top of Peter, trapping him under tons of rubble. He nearly perishes, but eventually gathers his strength and saves himself through sheer force of will.

This is obviously a nod to a similar scene in The Amazing Spider-Man #33, which is one of the most iconic pages in comic book history.


• As is becoming increasingly the norm these days, the various Spider-Man: Homecoming trailers feature scenes that aren't in the final film. Two missing scenes in particular stand out.

The first one features the Vulture swooping down inside what appears to be a huge hotel atrium. There really aren't all that many scenes of the Vulture in the final film, so it's too bad they had to cut this one.

The second missing scene comes at the end of the first and third trailers, when we see a thrilling shot of Spider-Man and Iron Man swinging and flying side by side over New York City. It's an awesome shot, and really sells the idea that Spider-Man's a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. 

Unfortunately there's nothing remotely like this scene in the final film.

According to director Jon Watts, Marvel wanted the trailer to contain a shot of the two characters together in costume. Unfortunately there were no actual scenes like that in the film, so Watts shot one specially for the trailer. Bad form, guys!

To his credit, when Watts was asked about the team up scene, he admitted he wasn't a fan of it, saying, “I feel a little weird that there’s a shot in the trailer that’s not in the movie at all, but it’s a cool shot. It’s funny, I forgot that we did that.”

Well, no, Jon, it's not funny. It's deceptive at best, and false advertising at worst. At least there are only a couple of missing scenes in the Spider-Man: Homecoming trailers. They don't advertise a completely different movie like the Rogue One trailers did.

I feel like I'm the only one who thinks this is a very slippery slope here. The day's coming when this is the norm, and ninety percent of the scenes in movie trailers aren't in the actual film.

• It was great to see Tony Stark's gal pal Pepper Potts again, even if she is played by nutsy cuckoo actress Gwyneth Paltrow. If you've been paying attention to the news lately, Paltrow landed in hot water when she touted the health benefits of women stuffing wasp nests into their vaginas. I wish I was making that up.


• At the end of the film, Tony presents Peter with a new Spider-Suit and offers him a place on the Avengers. He even calls a press conference to make the announcement!

Peter ultimately turns him down, thinking the perks are all part of a test. A visibly shocked Tony Stark agrees that it was a test and that Peter passed. Pepper then appears and asks what they're going to tell the assembled press in the next room!

So apparently Tony wasn't testing Peter, and was seriously offering him a spot on the Avengers! D'oh!

• Nice attention to detail— in the public service videos, Captain America is wearing his costume from the first Avengers movie, indicating it's an old spot that was shot eight years ago (Maybe. Who knows when these movies take place?).

• At the end of the movie, Peter's classmate Michelle, who's been crushing on him for the whole movie, tells him, "My friends call me MJ."

Groan! The implication here is that she's somehow supposed to be Mary Jane Watson, the love of Peter's life, and we're going to rehash that storyline for a third time.

But in a recent interview, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige emphatically stated that Michelle is NOT Mary Jane. Said Feige, 
"She’s not Mary Jane Watson, that’s not who the character is. But giving her the initials that remind you of that dynamic certainly is intriguing about what could go forward... Is she going to date Peter? Are they going to fall in love? She seems to be intrigued with him. There’s a nice chemistry there. Who knows what will happen in the future films?”
Which of course translates to "Of course they're going to date, and we're just trying to be cute with the 'MJ' thing here." As proof, when Michelle says to call her MJ, there's a picture of a goddamned tiger on the wall behind her. In the comics and previous films, Mary Jane's nickname for Peter Parker was "Tiger." Case closed.

• In the mid-credits scene, Toomes refuses to tell Gargan, aka The Scorpion, Spider-Man's true identity.

At first glance it seems like Toomes is protecting Peter out of respect. After all, Peter saved Toomes' life, so he's returning the favor here.

Or is he? What if Toomes refused to rat out Peter so he can kill him himself after he's released or escapes?

• Spider-Man: Homecoming takes a while to find its groove, but once it does it's a good but not great superhero film, and the best Spider-Man film in years. I liked the film more for what it DIDN'T, as it tells a very low level story with no world-ending threat. Sony definitely made the right decision in partnering with Marvel Studios. I give it a solid B.


Resistance Is Futile!

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As a lifelong Star Trek fan, I'm very much looking forward to Shia LaBeouf's new film, Borg/McEnroe! I'm assuming the plot has to do with the evil Borg race challenging Starfleet to a tennis match, for control of the Earth. Should be exciting!

It Came From The Cineplex: War For The Planet Of The Apes

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War For The Planet Of The Apes was written by Mark Bomback and Matt Reeves, and directed by Matt Reeves.

Bomback is a VERY mediocre screenwriter who can occasionally pump out a decent script when he has to. Sadly, this is not one of those times. He previously wrote The Night Caller, Godsend, Live Free Or Die Hard, Deception, Race To Witch Mountain, Unstoppable, Total Recall (2012), The Wolverine, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes and The Divergent Series: Insurgent.

Matt Reeves worked mostly in TV until his cinematic directorial break, Cloverfield. He also directed Let Me In (the American remake of Let The Right One In) and Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes.

Take Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, throw out everything that made it good and cross it with a Cliff Notes version of Apocalypse Now and you'll have a pretty good idea what this movie's like.

I thought Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (the first film in the trilogy) was just OK at best. I loved Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes though, as it was a quantum leap forward in terms of writing, characterization and quality (I even gave it a A grade!). It was almost like a Shakespearian tragedy— I found myself hoping the fragile ape/human alliance would work out, even though I knew it was doomed from the start. The movie asked hard questions about race, prejudice and trust, and didn't flinch at answering them. 
I eagerly looked forward to the third chapter.

Unfortunately War For The Planet Of The Apes is a huge step backwards. Somehow War took everything that made Dawn a great film and dumbed it down. Gone are the deep, thoughtful questions on the nature of humanity, replaced with a cliched revenge plot pulled straight out of a comic book adaptation of Moby Dick

Characterization suffers here too. In Dawn, Caesar was a flawed, complex character who felt real, despite the fact that he was a talking ape. Here he's been reduced to a cartoon character who's as shallow as the pixels used to render his form. He's gone from a thoughtful leader who desperately tried to find a way for apes and humans to coexist, to a reckless vigilante whose obsession with vengeance outweighs the good of his people.

Worst of all is the ridiculous ending. Apparently the writers were unable to come up with a satisfactory way to wrap up the war between the species, so they literally wipe the humans off the screen with a comically contrived deus ex machina.

So what went wrong here? Why is War such a step downwards in quality? If I had to guess, I'd say the fault lies with the writing team— or rather the lack of it. Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver wrote Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, and co-wrote Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes along with Mark Bomback. For some reason they didn't return for this third installment. Apparently they were the real talents of the franchise, as their absence is keenly felt here.


So far the film's grossed $100 million domestically, and $77 million overseas, for a worldwide total of $177 million against its $150 million budget. That ain't good. Rise grossed $481 million (worldwide), while Dawn raked in an impressive $710 million (also worldwide). I don't know if it's just bad timing or people are tired of CGI apes, but War definitely has its work cut out for it if it wants to surpass (or even equal!) its predecessors.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
To recap: It's been fifteen years since the Simian Flu swept the world, killing billions of humans and smartening up the great apes (which we saw happen in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes). Caesar the chimp (played by Andy Serkis), the leader of a large group of apes, struggled to live in peace with the remaining humans. Unfortunately a rogue bonobo named Koba (played by Toby Kebbell) betrayed Caesar, causing a war between the apes and humanity. Caesar broke the apes' cardinal rule and killed Koba, ending the conflict (as seen in Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes). He and his tribe now live deep in the Muir Woods, inside an abandoned human command base behind a waterfall. OK, we're all caught up!

As the apes mind their own business, a team of soldiers quietly sneak through the woods and surround them. The humans are helped by a couple of turncoat apes (including a gorilla named Red) who were loyal to Koba. The soldiers attack the ape base, but Caesar's tribe savagely strikes back with spears and guns.

Caesar's forces several humans, including one named Preacher, who'll become important later on. They capture Red as well. Caesar sends the humans back to their camp unharmed, to show their commander the apes are peaceful. He holds onto the traitorous Red though, ordering an albino gorilla named Winter to lock him up. Unfortunately Red escapes from Winter and heads back to the human camp.

Just then Caesar's son Blue Eyes returns from a scouting mission, reuniting with his mate Lake. Blue Eyes tells him of a Hidden Valley he discovered, where the apes would be safe from humanity forever (?). It seems unlikely there'd be anyplace on Earth that humans wouldn't eventually find, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all day. Many of the apes are all for moving, but Caesar's reluctant to go. Instead he huddles with his wife Cornelia and youngest son Cornelius.

That night the ape camp is raided by another squad of human soldiers, led by Colonel McCullough (played by Woody Harrelson). Because that's what army Colonels do, right? They lead dangerous missions instead of controlling troop movements from a command bunker. The Colonel kills Blue Eyes and Cornelia, thinking he's slaying Caesar and his wife. Caesar wakes and finds his wife and son dead. He spots the The Colonel as he climbs up a rope beyond the waterfall. Enraged, Caesar leaps after him and follows up the rope. The Colonel cuts the rope, and Caesar falls into a pool far below.

Caesar returns to the cave and discovers his youngest son Cornelius is still alive. He asks Lake to watch over Cornelius, and then orders his people to head for the Hidden Valley immediately, while he goes off to seek revenge on The Colonel. Maurice the orangutan is shocked that Caesar isn't personally leading his people to their promised land.

Caesar rides off to the soldier's camp, which he somehow knows how to find, and is soon followed by Maurice, Rocket the chimp and Luca the gorilla. Caesar orders them away, saying this is something he has to do himself. They refuse to leave, insisting on protecting him. The apes soon come to a small human outpost. They're surprised to see Winter there, and discover he's defected after Red talked him into letting him go. Caesar interrogates Winter, who tells him The Colonel and his men are heading toward their larger border camp. Caesar knocks out Winter and leaves him unconscious.

The next day the apes find a cabin, where they surprise a human gathering wood. He tries to shoot them, but Caesar kills the man first. Inside the cabin they find a young human girl. She struggles to speak, but can't for some reason. Maurice gives her a doll to calm her down, and takes her with him. Caesar objects, but Maurice says he's not leaving her to die alone.

The apes enter a snowy, mountainous region, where they find the executed bodies of three of The Colonel's men. Miraculously, one's still alive, and Caesar attempts to question him. Unfortunately the man can't speak, just like the girl. Hmmm... Caesar kills the mortally wounded man, putting him out of his misery.

Just then a shadowy figure steals one of their rifles and horses. They chase after it, and corner it in an abandoned building. They see it's a small chimp who calls himself Bad Ape (played by Steve Zahn). He explains that he lived in a zoo, and after the Simian Flu elevated his intelligence, he learned to speak from watching and listening to humans. Bad Ape gives his jacket to the girl, along with a metallic car emblem that reads "NOVA." Fan service!

The next day Luca and Nova bond, until he's shot and killed by one of The Colonel's snipers. Caesar says this is why he wanted to come alone. Maurice tells Caesar his thirst for revenge is turning him into Koba.

That night Caesar heads for The Colonel's camp alone. Outside the camp he sees several familiar apes crucified on large wooden "X"s. Why, it's almost like The Colonel's trying to send a message, and the camp is a Forbidden Zone! More fan service! Caesar tries to free one of the apes, who tells him that shortly after he left, the apes were all ambushed and captured by The Colonel's men. Just then Caesar's knocked out by Red.

When Caesar wakes up he's taken to see The Colonel, and tells him he plans to kill him for murdering his wife and child. The Colonel apologizes, saying he actually meant to kill Caesar. He orders him to be put to work with the other captured apes, to build a giant wall around the camp. Caesar's relieved to see that Cornelius and Lake are still alive.

The humans force the apes to work endlessly on the wall for days, with no food or water. Caesar eventually tells them to stop until they're fed. This angers The Colonel, who orders Caesar to be whipped. Lake and the other apes start working again in order to save Caesar's life.

Later Red and Preacher bring Caesar to The Colonel's office. The Colonel tells him that the Simian Flu is starting to mutate, and it's causing the human survivors to lose their ability to speak and to regress to a primitive state (which explains why Nova can't talk). The Colonel says his own son was affected by this new strain, and he was forced to kill him, which obviously unhinged him. The Colonel claims the military's blind to what's happening, so he and a group of men deserted to form their own enclave. The wall is meant to protect them from the military that's coming to put an end to The Colonel's rogue faction.

The Colonel then agrees to feed and water the apes— except for Caesar. Meanwhile, Maurice, Rocket, Bad Ape and Nova observe the camp. Somehow Nova sashays into the camp unchallenged and unseen, giving Caesar food and water, and inexplicably, her doll. A group of soldiers approach, and Rocket distracts them so Nova can get away. He's captured and thrown in with the other apes. The Colonel sees the doll in Caesar's cage and realizes something's going on. For some reason he picks up the doll and takes it to his office.

Somehow Bad Ape knows there're a series of tunnels under the camp, and Maurice realizes they can use them to free their people. Bad Ape digs through the top of a tunnel, popping up inside the main ape cage. Rocket creates a diversion by throwing his feces at a human guard (!). This angers the guard so much he actually enters the cage and demands to know who threw their poop. He just happens to stop at the perfect spot so that Bad Ape can pull him underground.

The apes begin evacuating their young out of the camp, and Rocket manages to free Caesar. Rocket's stunned when Caesar tells him to go on without him, as he can't let go of his hatred of The Colonel and plans to finish him off. Some leader!

Just then the real military shows up and launches an all-out attack on The Colonel's crazy faction. Naturally the makeshift wooden wall is no match for missiles and other high tech weaponry, and is instantly breached. In the confusion Caesar enters The Colonel's office, and sees him lying in bed, seemingly drunk. He sees The Colonel's holding Nova's doll and realizes he's been struck dumb by the mutated flu as well. That was quick! Caesar hands The Colonel his gun, and he uses the last of his intelligence to shoot himself in the head.

Caesar's then caught between the two warring human armies. He's shot with an arrow by Preacher, the man he showed mercy to earlier. I'll bet there's a message there somewhere! Red, who's still working for the humans, sees Caesar fall. He decides to have a third act change of heart, and turns on his oppressors. Caesar grabs a grenade belt and throws it at a fuel truck, blowing up the entire camp. Caesar of course manages to escape somehow.

Caesar watches as the newly-arrived army cheers the destruction of The Colonel and his forces. Just then a couple of these new soldiers spot Caesar, and draw their guns on him. Before they can fire, a massive avalanche— triggered by the explosion— flows down the mountain.

Caesar and the other apes quickly climb to safety, as the deus ex machina, er, I mean the avalanche completely wipes out the human army. Well, that was certainly easy! No more messy truces or trying to get along with the humans!

The apes then head for the magical Hidden Valley, where no mean nasty humans will ever be able to find them. They finally arrive, and see the Valley is a virtual paradise, filled with abundant trees and flowing rivers. Caesar and Maurice watch with satisfaction as their people make themselves at home. Suddenly Caesar slumps over, as we see his wound was more serious than he let on. He asks Maurice to take care of Cornelius for him. Maurice says he'll make sure that his son, and all apes, will know what he did for them. Caesar then dies in peace.

Thoughts:
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes was absolutely lousy with Easter eggs, shoutouts and callbacks to the original Planet Of The Apes franchise. I counted at least twenty one such references in the film. One or two in-jokes would have been fine, but after a while this constant fan service became extremely distracting and downright annoying.


Thankfully, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes featured were few if any callbacks, and all was right with the world.

Annnnd now the references are back with a vengeance in War Of The Planet Of The Apes.

Many of the ape names are references to the original franchise. Caesar's son Blue Eyes is likely a nod to "Bright Eyes," the nickname given to Taylor by Dr. Zira in Planet Of The Apes. Caesar's youngest son is named Cornelius, which was the name of Roddy McDowell's character in Planet Of The Apes. Maurice the orangutan is a shoutout to actor Maurice Evans, who played Dr. Zauis in Planet Of The Apes. Caesar was of course the ape protagonist in Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes

To be fair, these names were all established in Rise and Dawn, so I can't fault this film too awfully much for using them again. Still, a shoutout is a shoutout!

The mute human girl found by Caesar and his peeps is nicknamed "Nova." Actress Linda Harrison played Nova, Taylor's mute human mate in Planet Of The Apes and Beneath The Planet Of The Apes.

The Colonel calls his rebel faction the Alpha & Omega. In Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, a group of underground mutated humans worshiped an atomic bomb that was called Alpha & Omega.

When Caesar first approaches The Colonel's base, he sees a group of apes crucified on large wooden "X"s. There were similar wooden crosses used to mark the edge of the Forbidden Zone in Planet Of The Apes.

After Caesar dies at the end of the movie, it's implied that Maurice will take his place as leader. In the original franchise, the ape society was led by an orangutan called "The Lawgiver."

• These motion capture actors have apes on the brain! In the film, Andy Serkis plays Caesar, while famed "movement coach" Terry Notary plays Rocket. Oddly enough, both men have played King Kong before— Serkis played him in 2005's King Kong, while Notary played him in Kong: Skull Island.

• Credit Where Credit's Due: The script might be disappointing, but the ape effects in War are top notch. The CGI has improved exponentially with each successive film, and that's especially true here. 

Take Maurice, for example. He looks absolutely real to me, and if I didn't know he was a CGI creation, I'd think that the director just filmed a real, highly trained orangutan. I think it's his realistic ape eyes that complete the illusion.

Unfortunately Caesar doesn't fare quite as well. It's not that he doesn't look a living, breathing creature, because he does. It's just that he doesn't look like a real chimp. That's no doubt due to the fact that the filmmakers did their best to map mocap actor Andy Serkis' facial features onto Caesar. Instead of looking like an actual chimp, this makes him look like some kind of weird human/ape hybrid.

• The Colonel's actual name is never spoken in the movie, but according to the patch on his uniform, it's "McCullough."

• The traitor apes working for The Colonel are called "donkeys" by the human soldiers. Supposedly this is a reference to Donkey Kong (com-O-dee!) as well as the fact that these apes are used as pack animals.


• Why is Caesar suddenly such a horrible leader in this movie? In the previous film he did whatever was necessary to protect his tribe. Then in War he throws that all away, as he abruptly develops an Ahab-like obsession with killing The Colonel. In fact he's so dead set on murdering him that he can't be bothered to lead his people to their "promised land," sending them off on the journey by themselves!

Yes, The Colonel did kill Caesar's family, which was a bad thing. But that doesn't justify his abandonment of his his huge colony. "The needs of the many" and all that.

Worst of all, the screenwriters actually reference this in the movie, as Maurice says Caesar's need for revenge makes him as bad as Koba (the vengeance-obsessed villain of the previous film). So they recognized that they were corrupting their own character, and then went ahead and did it anyway!

• At one point Caesar and his posse run into Nova's dad, and shoot him in self defense. A few minutes later she wanders out of her cabin and stares down at her father's lifeless body. Not one wisp of emotion ever flickers across her face.

Later in the film, Nova stares amazed at a tree that's inexplicably bloomed in the snow. Luca the gorilla picks a flower from the tree and places it in Nova's hair. A few minutes later Luca's killed. Nova immediately climbs atop his body and sobs uncontrollably. If she was capable of speech, she no doubt would have thrown her head back and screamed to the heavens, "WHYYYYYY?"

So she couldn't possibly care less that her dad was killed, but she's devastated by the loss of a gorilla she's known all of a day. One that she had no prior interaction with, save for the flower thing. What the hell?

Wouldn't it have made much more sense if Maurice had been the one who was killed, and Nova grieved over him? After all, the two of them had a special rapport from the moment they met. I suppose the screenwriters couldn't afford to lose Maurice, since he's been with the series from the beginning and they obviously meant for him to take Caesar's place. The least they could have done though was to establish a bond between Nova and Luca early on, so her reaction to his death would have felt earned. As it stands it comes completely out of nowhere.


• Caesar and his crew meet Bad Ape, a chimp from a zoo who learned to speak by listening to his human captors. Supposedly this is a shocking moment in the franchise, as it confirms that Caesar and his tribe aren't the only talking apes in the world. 

Hmm. The Simian Flu enhanced the intelligence of apes across the globe, so I just assumed they all started talking too. Apparently not though. It seems odd to think that the only apes with the power of speech are in the San Francisco area.

I guess this makes sense though. Caesar was a special case, who was taught sign language at an early age and learned to speak from his owner Will Rodman. He then passed this knowledge onto the various members of his tribe. 

So what's going on in other parts of the world? Did the apes in Europe and Asia become intelligent, but never learned to talk or sign? Or did they made up their own languages?

• Welp, they finally went there. 2017 will go down in history as the year in which a Planet Of The Apes movie featured an ape that actually threw its own feces at a human. 

• The Colonel knows the Simian Flu virus has mutated, causing human survivors to lose the ability to think and speak. Several of his men— including his own son— have succumbed to this new strain.

So of course he and his men take absolutely zero precautions against catching the disease. Not even so much as a cotton face mask. They even go so far as to house hundreds of captured apes (who are likely Simian Flu carriers) in the middle of their camp!

• Nova sneaks into The Colonel's camp to give Caesar food and water. Hilariously she makes little or no attempt to hide, and none of the human soldiers ever seem to notice her. Isn't The Colonel building a wall to keep out a rapidly-approaching army? One would think security at the camp would be at an all-time high in such a situation. Apparently not though, as a little girl can come and go as she pleases.

• I don't think the screenwriters understand how tunnels work.


Maurice, Rocket & Bad Ape look for a way to rescue Caesar and their people from The Colonel. Suddenly Bad Ape falls through some rickety wooden planks, down into a series of tunnels that run under the camp. Maurice and Bad Ape then explore these cement-lined tunnels. They spot a ladder, Bad Ape climbs it, and somehow pokes his head up through the ground inside the camp.

So... did he dig his way through several inches of cement while we weren't looking? Or was there a hole in the top of the tunnel, covered by just a couple inches of grass and dirt? Based on the way his head pops through, it certainly looks like the latter. How the hell did none of The Colonel's men ever accidentally fall through this deathtrap?

Later on Bad Ape finds another tunnel and this time sticks his head through the ground inside the captive apes' cage, rescuing them. Again, this second hole appears to be covered by nothing more than a couple inches of dirt and grass. There's no way at least one of the hundreds of apes in the cage wouldn't have fallen through.

• The Colonel says the Northern Army is coming to eliminate his rogue faction. In order to hold back this technologically advance invasion force, he orders a wall be built around his camp.

What's this tremendous, impregnable wall made of, you ask? Solid steel? reinforced concrete? Bamboo? Nope! It's made of logs and whatever other junk the ape slaves can find to stack up. "Primitive" doesn't even begin to describe it. In fact, if left to themselves, the apes could probably make a better looking and more substantial wall!

Sure enough, when the Northern Army arrives, it only takes one or two air to ground missiles to completely punch through the sad, ramshackle little wall.

• As I mentioned earlier, the film ends with a hilariously convenient deus ex machina in the form of an avalanche, that literally sweeps away every single one of the apes' human adversaries. It gives new meaning to the word contrived.

After watching this scene, I am 99% sure the following conversation happened in the War For The Planet Of The Apes writer's room:

Mark Bomback:"OK, so Caesar just singlehandedly took out The Colonel's troops with a well-timed explosion, but then the massive Northern Army arrives. How are we gonna resolve this plot line?"
Matt Reeves:"Well... we could have Caesar rally his apes and attack the Northern Army."
Mark Bomback: "Nah, the movie's already well over two hours long. That'd add at least another hour to the runtime."
Matt Reeves: "We could end it as the Northern Army arrives and have the apes fight them in a fourth movie."
Mark Bomback: "Nah, we can't do that. Andy Serkis is only contracted for three films. He'd want a fortune to do a fourth. What are we gonna do?"
Matt Reeves: "How about this? A big avalanche comes down the mountain and wipes out all the bad humans, leaving the apes fully in charge of the world?"
Mark Bomback: "Are you kidding me? That's the dumbest, most hackneyed ending possible! The movie'd be laughed off the screen and we'd never work in Hollywood again!"
Matt Reeves: "Fine. So what do you suggest we do instead?"

Cut to one year later, as the film ends with a giant avalanche wiping out all the bad humans, leaving the apes fully in charge of the world.


• In Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, a TV in the background airs a news broadcast stating that the spaceship Icarus has entered Mars' atmosphere.

A bit later we see a newspaper headline saying the Icarus has been "Lost In Space."

At the end of War, I half expected to see a post-credits scene of the Icarus returning to Earth, as the astronauts discovered the planet was now ruled by apes. I still wouldn't rule this out. They went to a lot of trouble to mention this ship in Rise, much more so than if it was just a fun little Easter egg.

War For The Planet Of The Apes is a big step backwards for the franchise, and a disappointing finish to the trilogy. Everything that made Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes great has been turned on its head and dumbed down here, resulting in a film that's mediocre at best. For completists only. I wish I could score it higher, but sadly, I have to give it a C+.


Trail And Error

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This past weekend I went walking along the trail that winds through town, and accidentally stumbled across the Windows XP wallpaper!

I also spotted this bit of graffiti where the trail ducks under a bridge. Nice of the artist to provide a helpful caption to help identify the subject matter of his highly stylized and abstract work.

Maybe this particular piece of art is an homage to Magritte, and his The Treachery Of Images? Something like "Ceci nest pas une penis?"

It Came From The Cineplex: Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets

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Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets was written and directed by Luc Besson.

Besson is a prolific filmmaker who previously wrote Point Of No Return (the American remake of his own La Femme Nikita!), Kiss Of The Dragon, The Transporter, District B13, Unleashed, Transporter 2, Taken, Transporter 3, District 13: Ultimatum, Colombiana, Taken 2, Brick Mansions, Taken 3 and The Transporter Refueled, among many others.

He wrote and directed La Femme Nikita, Leon The Professional, The Fifth Element, The Messenger: The Story Of Joan Of Arc, The Extraordinary Adventures Of Adele Blanc-Sec and Lucy.

The film's based on the long running French comic series Valerian And Laureline (1967-2010) by Pierre Christin (writer) and Jean-Claude Mezieres (artist).

I've been a fan of the Valerian comic for years, ever since I first discovered it back in the early 1990s. I was especially impressed with the stylized artwork, which was somehow both cartoonish and realistic at the same time. I eagerly bought all the Valeriancomics I could find, which was easier said than done back in the dark times before the internet.


Writer/director Luc Besson was also a big fan of the comic, growing up in France as he did. In fact it was a HUGE influence on his 1997 film The Fifth Element, which has a very similar look and tone. There's a reason for that— Besson hired Valerian co-creator and artist Jean-Claude Mezieres as a production designer on the film! Mezieres, along with fellow French comic artist Jean Giraud Moebius, designed all the various props, costumes, ships, aliens and environments for The Fifth Element.


While working on The Fifth Element, Mezieres asked Besson, "Why are you working on this sh*tty film? Why you don't do Valerian?" Besson felt that doing justice to the books was impossible, due to the limits of film technology at the time. When Besson saw James Cameron's Avatar though, he realized it was now possible to film literally anything and began working on scripting and storyboarding.

Unfortunately Besson was so intent on capturing the look and feel of the comic that he dropped the ball when it came to little things like characterization, story and most of all, heart. Visually the film is amazing, but it feels cold and ultimately empty. It's all flash with little or no substance. 

Compare this to the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies, which have a similar visual style but are surprisingly warm and emotional. If you didn't choke up a bit when Yondu told Peter Quill he was proud to be his daddy, then you must be dead inside.


Sadly, Valerian and Laureline have no such emotional resonance. The movie's so preoccupied with moving them from one action setpiece to the next that it never takes time to develop them into actual characters. They have about as much depth as the comic pages from which they're adapted.

Valerian also suffers from a wonky story structure. Less than five minutes after Valerian is introduced, he proposes marriage to Laureline, and she turns him down. This is obviously supposed to make the audience care about the characters, but since we have absolutely no idea who they are or what they're like, Laureline's denial means absolutely nothing. It would have made infinitely more sense to let us spend the film getting to know the characters, and THEN have Valerian propose at the very end.


As longtime readers of my blog know all too well, I hate 3D movies with the white hot passion of a thousand exploding suns. That said, a mind-bogglingly visual movie like this seems tailor made for 3D. In fact I would have actually considered seeing Valerian in 3D. So of course it makes perfect sense that it wasn't shot in native 3D, nor was there a 3D option playing anywhere within a hundred miles of me.

I had a feeling this film was gonna bomb hard here in the States, and unfortunately I was right. So far it's only managed to gross a dismal $32 million. It hasn't done any better overseas, where it's only raked in $29 million. Add it all up and it's made just $61 million against it's massive budget of $177 million. Some sources report that the budget was actually closer to $210 million! 


I don't think the film's premiered worldwide yet, but I honestly don't think it matters. At this point it's extremely unlikely it'll ever break even, much less turn a profit. Sadly, it looks like this will be the one and only cinematic adventure of Valerian and Laureline.


So what went wrong? Why didn't Valerian connect with the public? There were a number of reasons.


Unfamiliarity With The Property: Although the Valerian And Laureline comic is very popular in its home country of France (and much of Europe), it's virtually unknown here in the States. In fact I'd be surprised if even 1% of the audience had ever heard of the comic, much less read it. That unfamiliarity had to have been a big factor in audience disinterest.


One could argue that Guardians Of The Galaxy was just as unknown when it premiered, but it was still a massive success (along with its sequel). But Guardians had the advantage of being produced by Marvel Studios, which has been on an unparalleled roll since 2008. Audiences may not have known who the Guardians were, but they recognized the Marvel brand!


Lack Of Star Power/Miscasting: When you make a movie that focuses on just two main characters, you'd better make damned sure you pick the right actors. Sadly, Valerian fails miserably in this regard, as its stars are woefully miscast.


Dane Dehaan (who plays Valerian) is a fine actor, but an action hero he is not. The Valerian character is a brash wisecracking adventurer and ladies' man, and has always been drawn as a typical square-jawed leading man. Sort of like a young Bruce Campbell. Dehaan looks for all the world like he's fifteen at the most. Seeing him try to talk tough and swagger his way through the film is like watching a child playing grown up. And the movie's notion that he somehow has a string of female conquests is laughable at best.


Cara Delevingne (last seen in 2016's Suicide Squad as the Enchantress) doesn't fare much better. Delevingne is a former fashion model, with all the acting skills that profession requires. She seems to have one default expression which she uses throughout most of the film, as if she's back up there on the catwalk. On the slightly plus side, at least she somewhat resembles the comic version of Laureline.


As bad as these two are individually, they're even worse together. They have absolutely zero chemistry, and their attempts at playful, "sexy" banter fail miserably. They seem more like brother and sister than potential lovers.


Confusion Over The Concept: I have a feeling the public had absolutely no idea what this movie was about. Epic space fantasy? Futuristic action film? High concept comedy? Sci-fi love story? All of the above?

The trailer didn't help clarify the story or tone either, leaving potential audience members in the dark and causing them to stay away in droves.


Reverse Similarity: The Valerian comic's been around since 1967, and has been a HUGE influence on dozens of sci-fi films over the years— including the Star Wars films. So even though Valerian did it all first, it's just now making it to the silver screen. Unfortunately this makes it look like it's copying from the very movies it inspired! The general public has no idea Valerian came first, so they just write it off as another Star Wars ripoff.


Valerian also bears a visual similarity to 2015's Jupiter Ascending, which was a critical and financial disaster. I have a feeling that film may have unfairly tainted Valerian with its box office stench.


Bad Timing: Unfortunately Valerian premiered the same weekend as Christopher Nolan's highly anticipated Dunkirk and the chick flick Girl's Trip, both of which are tearing up the box office. War For The Planet Of The Apes and Spider-Man: Homecoming are both still in theaters as well, siphoning even more cash away from Valerian.


In retrospect it might have been better to delay the film's release until September or October, when there wouldn't have been as much competition.


Put these elements all together and unfortunately they spell "Box Office Bomb."


SPOILERS!

The Plot:
It's pretty convoluted, so I'll try to straighten it out as much as I can.

We begin in 1975, with a small space station orbiting Earth. Over the years various nations achieve space flight and add on to the station. Numerous alien species then make contact with Earth, attaching their own modules to the ever-growing station. By the 28th Century, Alpha is a vast construct housing thousands of races and millions of inhabitants, sharing their knowledge and coexisting in peace. Eventually Alpha grows so massive it threatens Earth, so the President Of The World State Federation (played by Rutger Hauer in a VERY brief cameo appearance) orders Alpha to be propelled into deep space.

Cut to the planet Mul, an ocean paradise inhabited by the Navi, er, I mean the Pearls, a primitive, spiritual race that lives in harmony with the land. The Pearls harvest glowing energy, er, pearls from the ocean, which they feed to small animals called "converters." The converters duplicate any object they ingest (Plot Point!) and literally poop out hundreds more energy pearls (!). The Pearls then take these glowing gems and give them back to their planet as an offering. During one of these offerings, a Mul child secretly takes a pearl for itself and keeps it. Another Plot Point!

One day a massive spaceship crashes on Mul, creating a deadly and destructive shockwave. Emperor Haban-Limal and his subjects head for the shelter of a small space capsule that apparently landed on the planet years before. Unfortunately the Emperor's daughter Liho is trapped outside. As the shockwave vaporizes her body, she releases a burst of powerful psychic energy that travels through space.

Smash-cut to thirty years later (something that's not made clear by the film at all). Major Valerian (played by Dane Dehaan), an agent of the Spatio-Temporal Police. He's suddenly jolted awake by Liho's psychic blast, which is just now reaching his location. Liho's soul then enters Valerian, but he shrugs it off as just a dream. 


Valerian and fellow agent Sargent Laureline (played by Cara Delevingne) flirt for a bit, and he even proposes marriage to her. She brushes off his advances, explaining that she doesn't want to be another of his long list of "conquests." Just then Laureline answers a call from the Defense Minister (inexplicably played by musician Herbie Hancock), who orders them to retrieve the last known converter in the galaxy from a black market dealer in Big Market, an interdimensional bazaar.

Valerian and Laureline land on the planet Kyrian, where they're met by a support team of soldiers. Valerian outfits himself with special goggles and gloves, so he can interact with the millions of shops in Big Market, which lie in another dimension. Why another dimension? Because it looks kewl, that's why. He tracks the converter to Igon Sirus (voiced by John Goodman), who illegally obtained it and is selling it to two mysterious hooded figures who pay him with an energy pearl (Plot Point!). Valerian grabs the converter and the pearl, and runs through the interdimensional market in a huge and expensive CGI action setpiece.

He makes it back to Laureline and the support team, and they take off in an antigrav bus. Sirius sends an indestructible alien monster after them, which begins shredding the bus. Valerian calls his ship to his location, and he and Laureline escape seconds before the monster kills everyone on the bus. Sucks to be you, expendable support team!

As the ship heads for Alpha, Laureline rejuvenates the converter creature in a radiation chamber, then hides it in a pouch on her belt. On Alpha they're met by Commander Arun Filitt (played by Clive Owen). He demands Laureline hand over the converter, but she refuses. So I guess that's a thing in the future? Sargents can ignore direct orders from Commanders?

Fillit tells the agents that there's a toxic zone in the center of Alpha that's rapidly spreading, and will completely engulf the station in a matter of weeks. None of the teams sent into the deadly zone have returned. Just when we think he's going to send the two agents into the zone, he orders them to follow him around the station instead (?). Filitt then calls a meeting of Alpha council members to discuss the "infection" that's plaguing the station. Suddenly a group of Pearls burst into the chamber and shoot everyone with weapons that immobilize them in cocoons. They abduct Fillit (thinking he has the converter) and leave with him.

Valerian cuts his way out of his cocoon and chases after Filitt and the Pearls. The Pearls blast off on their ship and fly through the interior of Alpha. Valerian follows in a small pursuit ship. Laureline manages to free herself from her cocoon as well, and tracks Valerian. Unfortunately the two ships fly into the toxic zone, and Laureline loses contact with Valerian.

Laureline's then contacted by a trio of Shingouz informants, who offer to help her find Valerian— for a price, of course. They tell her she needs to find a quartex jellyfish to track him. Unfortunately, the jellyfish like to attach themselves to the heads of giant whale-like aliens. Laureline hires a pirate named Bob (!) to help her steal one of the jellyfish. They barely escape with their lives, but manage to capture one. Laureline puts the enormous jellyfish over her head, which somehow gives her Valerian's exact location. Yeah, this is an odd movie.

Laureline finds Valerian in the wreckage of his crashed ship. After a brief reunion, she sees a glowing butterfly fluttering through the air, and for some reason grabs it. She's then caught and reeled in by aliens who are literally fishing for humans (!).

Valerian chases after Laureline, and finds himself in a seedy part of Alpha. For no reason at all, he wanders into a burlesque show run by a pimp named Jolly (played by Ethan Hawke). Valerian's mesmerized by the main attraction, a dancer named Bubble (played by Rihanna) who's a shapeshifter. She uses her powers to constantly morph her outfits and looks.

At the end of her act, Bubble asks Valerian for help to escape her sad life. He knocks out Jolly and takes Bubble with him. Valerian tracks Laureline to an alien citadel, where she's to be sacrificed to their king. Bubble flows over Valerian's body and disguises him as one of the aliens, which I have to admit was pretty cool. Valerian/Bubble rescues Laureline, and the three then have to battle their way out of the citadel in another expensive action setpiece. Unfortunately Bubble's killed as they escape, and turns to dust. Oh no! That character we've known for all of ten minutes is dead! How sad!

Valerian and Laureline then enter the center of the "toxic" zone, and find the air and environment are completely normal. They discover a large ship at the center of the zone, which is inhabited by Pearls— including Emperor Haban and his subjects. Haban explains that thirty years ago, Filitt was the commander of an Earth ship involved in a war with an alien armada. As the ships approached the peaceful planet Mul, Filitt gave the order to fire a doomsday weapon at the enemy fleet. Unfortunately he didn't check to see if Mul was inhabited first. The weapon wiped out the alien fleet, but it caused the ships to crash to the surface of Mul, destroying the planet.

A handful of Pearls survived, and are now seeking to rebuild their ruined world. All they need is one of the energy pearls and a converter— items that both Valerian and Laureline possess. Haban examines Valerian, and senses he's carrying the soul of his daughter Liho.

This convinces Valerian and Laureline to hand over the energy pearl and converter to Haban. He feeds the pearl to the converter, which duplicates hundreds more. He then uses these energy pearls to recreate a perfect simulation of Mul inside their spaceship. Just then, Filitt orders a squad of K-Tron robot soldiers to surround the Pearl ship and fire on his order.

Valerian and Laureline then confront Filitt, accusing him of trying to cover up his thirty year old war crime by eliminating the Pearls. He orders the robots to attack, resulting in many Pearl casualties. Valerian eventually destroys the robots, and Filitt is arrested.

Haban thanks Valerian and Laureline for helping them rebuild their world. He tells Valerian that Liho's spirit can now leave his body and rest in peace. Valerian proposes to Laureline again, and promises she'll be the only one on his list. Fade out as the two of them kiss.

Thoughts:

• History repeats itself: Back in 1997, Luc Besson (co)wrote and directed The Fifth Element, which had a budget of $100 million, making it the most expensive French film ever made (up to that time).

Here we are in 2017, as Besson wrote and directed Valerian, which had a budget of somewhere between $177 million and $210 million (depending on who you ask), making it the most expensive French movie ever made.

I'm looking forward to 2027, when Besson once again makes the most expensive French film ever.



• The title of the movie was obviously inspired by the Valerian comic The Empire Of A Thousand Planets, despite the fact that the film has absolutely nothing to do with that story. Instead it's VERY loosely based on another issue called Ambassador Of The Shadows. I guess Besson felt the latter title wasn't exciting enough.

Oddly enough, Ambassador Of The Shadows is actually a Laureline-centric episode, as Valerian is captured early on by aliens and is absent for most of the story. The bulk of the plot concerns Laureline searching the station (called "Central Point" in the comic) for him. He doesn't show up again until the last few pages.


Obviously it wouldn't make much sense for Valerian to sit out most of his own movie, so Besson rejiggered the plot a bit to give the two agents equal time. Maybe it would have been better to have adapted the first issue of the comic, to show us how the two characters actually met?


• For the most part Valerian is very faithful to its source material, with a couple of MAJOR and puzzling exceptions. In the comic, Valerian and Laureline are agents in the "Spatio-Temporal Service," meaning they travel through both space AND time. For some reason the film chooses to completely ignore the time travel element. 

Secondly, the film leaves out a HUGE and defining aspect of the Laureline character— she's actually from the past! See, in the very first comic story (The City Of Shifting Waters), Valerian is sent on a mission to 11th Century France. He gets into a jam of course, and is saved by a peasant girl named Laureline. He decides to take her back to the future with him for reasons. Once there, Laureline puts on a "teaching helmet" to bring her up to speed on future history and technology, and she becomes Valerian's partner.

That's a pretty cool backstory for Laureline, and I have no idea why Besson chose to leave it out. Maybe he was afraid it'd complicate an already overly-convoluted plot?

• Despite those major omissions, the movie goes out of its way to get many of the visuals just right. Some of the characters and vehicles look like they stepped right off the printed page!

For example, the film did an amazing job of translating Valerian's spaceship into the "real" world. It looks exactly like the comic version, right down to the multiple fins and the wide "windshield" in front. Well done, guys!

They even went out of their way to add the Marmakas, aliens that appear in one panel of Ambassador Of The Shadows!

The converter looks pretty close to the version in Ambassador Of The Shadows as well. The film changes his temperament quite a bit though. He's pretty surly and unpleasant in the comic, but designed to be as cute as possible in the movie.

As for the comic version of the converter being unpleasant— who could blame him? Laureline spends the entire movie forcing him to literally sh*t out money and jewels!

They do a good job of bringing the alien Shingouz to life as well, even though there's something creepy and off-putting about the eyes on the live action versions.

The Bagoulins in the movie look exactly like the comic versions. I think they're my favorite alien design in the entire film. Again, well done!

The alien Pearls sort of have an equivalent in the comic. There they have red skin instead of white, and they've been around so long they no longer remember the name of their race. 

It's nice to see a director who respects the source material enough to try and do it justice, instead of changing everything about it for no other reason than to put his own personal stamp on the project.


• The first five minutes of the movie are absolutely brilliant, as it wordlessly tells the story of how the Alpha station came to be. I loved the scenes of the station commanders greeting various Earth cultures to the station, then gradually transitioning into welcoming assorted alien representatives. It was definitely the highlight of the film.

If only the entire movie could have kept up this level of awesomeness!

• Halfway through the film there's a big action setpiece scene in which Valerian takes a shortcut through the Alpha station by running and literally crashing through a series of walls (!) into various areas. Seriously, every time he comes to a wall he just folds his arms and plows right through it, without even slowing down.


Either Valerian has super-strength that we're never told about, or the walls of Alpha are really, really thin. We're talking cheap apartment wall-level thin.


I wonder how many Alpha residents died in the aftermath of his little sprint? He starts in a storage area, then in order he crashes into an industrial section, a greenhouse, a huge vertical shaft, a tunnel filled with delicate-looking blue spheres being tended by aliens and finally an underwater environment.

Note that all these various sections are right next to one another. Hopefully no one was killed when the water flooded the blue sphere tunnel, or the toxic atmosphere of the industrial section invaded the greenhouse.

• As I said earlier, the Valerian And Laureline comic was a HUGE influence on an entire generation of filmmakers, illustrators, animators and designers. It seems to have been particularly inspirational to the artists and technicians who worked on the various Star Wars films. Thumb through any random issue of Valerian and you'll see some very familiar images.


These similarities didn't go unnoticed by the creators of Valerian. Surprisingly, Pierre Christin was delighted by Star Wars, and actually saw its swipes as a compliment. Said Christin, "That’s how it goes in sci-fi— It’s all about copying from one another. Or, in other terms, you borrow something from someone else and develop it further. In any case, Star Wars was a huge, positive surprise to me. I loved the characters."

Jean-Claude Mezieres was a little less charitable about the situation. When he sat down in 1977 to watch Star Wars for the first time, he said he was "astonished" to see how many of his designs and concepts (especially the idea of a lived in future) found their way into the film.

Mezieres reportedly contacted George Lucas to make polite inquiries about all the similarities, but his calls went unanswered.

Mezieres fired back at Lucas shortly afterward with this drawing, showing Luke and Leia running into Valerian and Laureline in an alien cantina...

Let's take a look at just how much Valerian influenced that galaxy far, far away.


While it's not an exact match, there's no denying the fact that Valerian's ship was a big inspiration for the Millennium Falcon.

Valerian also introduced a terrifying masked character...

...whose helmet covered a hideously scarred face.

The Ambassador in Ambassador Of The Shadows bears more than a passing resemblance to a certain Imperial officer from Star Wars.

In one issue Laureline even dons a retroactively familiar metal bikini!

To be fair though, Valerian didn't invent the notion of the scantily clad sci-fi babe. That's been going on since the days of John Carter Of Mars.

The similarities even extend to environments. Valerian featured several cloud cities...

As well as a massive alien citadel on a desert planet— complete with two suns in the sky!

The comic didn't just influence ships, props and characters, but actual shots as well!

Valerian even seems to have influenced the Star Wars Prequels!


A determined George Lucas apologist could probably talk himself into believing a lot of these similarities are just innocent coincidences. But even the most delusional fan couldn't ignore the fact that Han Solo in carbonite is a blatant swipe of Valerian sealed in some kind of amber resin. Jesus Christ! Solo's even got his arms up just like Valerian did! There's no way in hell THIS one was just a coincidence!

In addition, the Valerian comic featured a clone army storyline, and the characters often found themselves in seedy bars filled with hundred of alien denizens.

I suppose none of this should come as a surprise, since Lucas liberally borrowed elements from Flash Gordon serials, samurai films, WWII movies, Arthurian legend and more. Why not throw French comics into the mix as well?

Valerian is a visually stunning sci-fi action film that's sadly all flash and no substance. It definitely looks amazing, but the two leads are horribly miscast and their characters are woefully undeveloped, which only adds to the cold and sterile tone. Maybe Luc Besson needs to study the Guardians Of The Galaxy films to learn how to do thrilling space opera with compelling characters. It deserves a C+, but I'm bumping it up to a B- out of my affection for the source material.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That...

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Lately I've been seeing vehicles festooned with this logo tooling around town. From the name I'm assuming uCabbi is some kind of independent cab service that's a knockoff of Uber and Lyft. 

Whatever it is, it's always nice to see our old friend The Seinfeld Logo getting work!

R.I.P. Haruo Nakajima

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Haruo Nakajima, the first actor to ever play Godzilla, died this week (August 7, 2017). He was 88. Sad news, but that's a pretty good run.

Nakajima was a struggling actor whose big break came when he donned the dinosaur suit in the 1954 Godzilla movie. He played the Big G in twelve successive films over the next eighteen years. His final appearance was in Godzilla Vs. Gigan in 1972.

According to Nakajima, the original Godzilla suit weighed a whopping 220 pounds! Holy crap! Respect to him— I dunno if I could even stand upright in such a getup! He claimed the suit weighed so much because it was made of concrete (?), as there was a rubber shortage in Japan after WWII. 

OK, I really don't get how a moveable suit could be made out of concrete, but I guess I'll have to take his word for it.

The general public probably doesn't realize it, but the first Godzilla film was actually quite serious. The titular monster was obviously a metaphor for the legacy of the atomic bomb, and the public's fears over its literal and figurative fallout.

It wasn't until 1962's Godzilla Vs. King Kong that the movies became the camp-fests most people remember. After that they were filled with increasingly ridiculous monsters, bizarre plots and little boys named Ken wearing tiny shorts. That's also around the time that Godzilla became the protector of Japan, rather than an unstoppable force of nature.

These days the trend in Godzilla films is to use a CGI monster, rather than a man in a suit. Hollywood's done this twice now, and even the most recent Japanese Godzilla film (Shin Godzilla) used a computer generated creature.

Sure, an all-CGI Godzilla looks and moves better, but that's missing the whole point. Part of the charm of these films is seeing a man in a dinosaur suit battle a giant moth on a string, on a soundstage filled with miniature buildings. There's something innately appealing about a practically realized, handcrafted Godzilla. Something's definitely lost when they make him look too slick.

Hopefully Hollywood and Toho Studios will realize this, and start using suits again!

Anyway, in honor of Mr. Nakajima, let's all don our 220 pound cement suits and stomp on a model city of Tokyo!

Spider-Blast

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Saw this photo of a new Spider-Man: Homecoming action figure today:

At first glance, it looked for all the world like the figure was blasting a clear plastic fart cloud out of its nether regions! Just look at it! Tell me that's not a Spider-Man figure with a special fart accessory! Once you see it, there's no way you can ever unsee it.

I think the transparent part is supposed to be a stand to help hold the figure in swinging poses. I can't think of a worse way they could have photographed it though.

It Came From The Cineplex: Colossal

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Colossal was written and directed by Nacho Vigalondo.

Vigalondo is a Spanish writer, director and actor. He previously wrote and directed Timecrimes (which I highly recommend), Extraterrestrial, Open Windows and the Parallel Monsters segment of V/H/S Viral.

Imagine an indie relationship drama like Garden State combined with a Godzilla film, and you'll have a good idea what this movie's about.

The film's well-written and well-acted, and I was surprised by how much I liked it. I generally don't have much patience for "soul-searching" movies like this, but somehow it found the perfect balance between a character piece and a monster movie.


Best of all, Colossal sets up a specific series of rules concerning the way the monsters work, and the story actually follows them! In fact, main character Gloria even cleverly uses the rules to her advantage at the end of the film! Well done, movie!

You don't have to be a film scholar to pick up on the movie's conspicuous message. The Giant Monster is obviously supposed to represent Gloria's destructive addiction. At one point her boyfriend Tim even tells her, "You're out of control!" Later she wakes up after a booze-filled bender, sees the Monster on TV and asks, "What did I do? How many people did I kill?" much the way a remorseful drunk driver would. 
Her attempts to tame the Monster then perfectly coincide with her kicking her booze habit as well, as she takes steps to clean up her act and get her life back on track. Not exactly subtle, but it works.

Unfortunately the film does go off the rails a bit at the end, as the resolution to the story is a too clean (not to mention morally ambiguous), but if you can live with that, you'll probably enjoy it.

In May of 2015, Colossal was hit by a lawsuit from Toho studios in Japan, owners of the Godzilla films. The lawsuit claimed that Voltage Studios (distributers of Colossal) were using images and stills from various Godzilla movies in a presentation designed to lure potential investors. Voltage reached a settlement with Toho that October, and the suit was dropped.

While researching the film, I noticed that perennial movie critic Rex Reed of the New York Observer gave Colossal 0 out of 4 stars, saying, "It was almost as unwatchable as it was incomprehensible." 


First of all, I was surprised to find out that Rex Reed is not only alive, but still reviewing films. Secondly, Reed's so out of touch with the general public that any time he says a film is a bomb, you should immediately seek it out and watch it. There's nothing incomprehensible about Colossal unless you're a drooling moron. Lastly, anyone who willingly starred in 1970's Myra Breckinridge has no business being a film critic (look it up, kids).

So far the film's grossed just $3 million against its $15 million budget. It's probably not fair to call it a flop though, as it had an extremely limited release, playing in just 327 theaters. For comparison, Wonder Woman played in a whopping 4,165 theaters during its first week.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Twenty five years ago in Seoul, South Korea, a girl’s searching for her lost doll in a park. As she finds it, she looks up and sees an enormous Godzilla-type monster, er, I mean a generic-looking Giant Monster (don't wanna get sued!) form out of thin air and start stomping around the city. The girl screams in terror.

Cut to present day New York City. Gloria (played by Anne Hathaway) comes home from a night of hard partying, and tries to sneak into the apartment she shares with her boyfriend Tim (played by Dan Stevens of Downton Abbey and Beauty And The Beast fame). He complains that she’s out every night drinking, and is tired of her constant hangovers, lost jobs and screw-ups. He packs her things and tells her to get out.

Having nowhere else to go, Gloria moves back to her hometown in upstate New York, into her (presumably deceased?) parents’ old home. It’s completely unfurnished (Plot Point!) so she walks to a local store to buy an air mattress. On the way back she runs into her childhood friend Oscar, (played by Jason Sudeikis). The two of them reminisce a bit, and Oscar seems like a typical “Nice Guy.” He mentions he’s on his way to the bar he inherited from his father, and gives her a ride there. So far this is playing out like every indie drama I've ever seen.

At the bar, Gloria meets Oscar’s best friends Garth (played by Tim Blake Nelson) and Joel. The four of them hang out in the bar after closing time and get falling-down drunk. Joel tries to kiss Gloria, which enrages Oscar.

Gloria wakes in the bar the next morning, and walks home with her mattress. She passes through a small playground at exactly 8:05 am (Another Plot Point), stopping to watch a group of kids walk to school. She makes it home with the mattress, but is too tired to inflate it and passes out on the floor.

Later that day Gloria’s awakened by a call from her sister, who asks her if she’s been watching the news. She opens her laptop and is stunned to see news coverage of a huge kaiju attacking Seoul. She can hardly believe that something like this is happening in the real world. Just then Oscar arrives at her house, and is such a Nice Guy he gives her an old big screen TV he was going to throw out. He offers her a job at the bar and she accepts.

Gloria begins working in the bar and hanging out after hours with Oscar and the gang. She walks home one morning and stops in the playground— at 8:05 am— to call Tim. He hangs up when he realizes she's hung over again and hasn’t changed. She angrily throws her phone to the ground and scratches the top of her head, which is her trademark nervous tic.

Gloria goes home and passes out again. When she wakes she watches the news, and sees more coverage on the Giant Monster. She's puzzled when it mimics the action of throwing something to the ground, then stops and scratches the top of its head. Gloria begins to suspect a link between her and the monster, and decides to perform an experiment.

The next morning she goes to the park at 8:05, raises one arm over her head, then the other. She rushes home to watch the news, and is both delighted and terrified that the monster copied her exact movements. In some bizarre way she's causing the monster to appear in Seoul, and is inexplicably controlling its movements.

Gloria brings Oscar, Garth and Joel to the playground the next morning and tells them to watch the live "monster streams" from Seoul on their phones. The guys are puzzled, but humor her. At 8:05 she steps into the playground and starts dancing. The guys are stunned as they watch the Giant Monster perfectly mimicking her movements on the other side of the world. Suddenly several helicopters begin shooting the Monster in the face, which Gloria painfully feels. She swats at something unseen in front of her face, which causes the Monster to send a chopper crashing to the ground. Oscar steps into the playground to help. Gloria swats at another unseen attacker and falls down.

Back home, Gloria watches the news in horror. When she fell in the playground, the monster fell in Seoul as well, destroying buildings and killing hundreds. She feels directly responsible for their deaths. Oscar arrives and hands her a newspaper, which shows that the Monster was joined by a Giant Robot. He says he thinks the Robot was him!

Gloria then stops drinking and begins acting responsibly for the first time in years, as she feels an obligation to the people of Seoul. She has a Korean restaurant owner translate a message for her (apparently she doesn't know about Google Translate). The next day she goes to the playground and conjures the monster. She gestures for everyone to stand back, then writes her message in the sand. The Korean citizens are gobsmacked by the message, which reads, "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. It won't happen again." This causes a change in opinion toward the monster, as the public now believes it means well.

That night after the bar closes, Gloria goes home with Joel and spends the night with him. The next morning Gloria walks home through the playground, and sees a drunk and jealous Oscar waiting for her. His Nice Guy facade starts to slip a bit, as he scuffs his feet in the sand, causing the Giant Robot to kill hundreds in Seoul. Gloria tries to stop him, slapping him in the face and ordering him to leave. In Seoul, it looks like the Giant Monster fights the Robot and drives it away, to the cheers of the populace.

That night after the bar closes, Oscar begins drinking and becomes increasingly hostile and violent. He drives Garth away and accuses Gloria of thinking she's "too good" to drink with him. He orders her to drink a beer, threatening to destroy Seoul if she doesn't (!). She takes the beer, defiantly pours it out in front of him and leaves.

The next day Joel delivers a load of old furniture to her house, saying it's a gift from Oscar. She goes to Oscar's home, where he apologizes profusely for his behavior and begs her forgiveness. Later that day Tim calls Gloria, saying he's in town for business and would like to see her. She goes to his hotel room, and he seems impressed that she's stopped drinking and is seemingly turning her life around.

Tim insists on giving Gloria a ride to the bar. Oscar's none too pleased to meet Tim, and sets off a huge firework inside the bar, severely damaging it. Tim asks Gloria to come back to New York with him, but she refuses. Oscar gloats, telling Tim that no matter how awfully he behaves, he's got Gloria under his thumb and she'll never leave.

Gloria has a flashback to her childhood, when she and Oscar were walking to school. Gloria carries a model of Seoul she made for a school project (!), but the wind blows it out of her hands and into a small clump of trees (that's now the site of the playground). Oscar walks through the brush, sees Gloria's model and spitefully stomps it to pieces, revealing he's always been an asshole. Suddenly lightning flashes, striking Gloria and Oscar on their heads. A toy kaiju monster spills out of Gloria's backpack, while a robot toy falls from Oscar's. Get it? It's their origin story!

Gloria goes home and is startled to see Oscar waiting there for her. He tells her he's there to make sure she doesn't run back to Tim. She tries to leave and he attacks her. They have a brutal fight, destroying her living room in the process. Oscar punches Gloria (!) and leaves, heading toward the playground. No more Mr. Nice Guy, I guess!

Gloria comes to and follows Oscar. She sees him stomping all over the playground, wreaking havoc in Seoul. She attacks him, but he punches her again and knocks her down. He tells her that if she leaves town, he'll come back every morning and destroy Seoul until there's nothing left. She sobs on the ground while Oscar/Giant Robot rampages the city.

Suddenly Gloria has an idea. She boards a plane and flies all the way to Seoul. She walks calmly through the ruined city, as panicked citizens run past her. She sees the Giant Robot ahead and walks determinedly toward it. Back in the States, Oscar's stomping around the playground again. He stops as he feels the ground quake, and looks up to see the Giant Monster looming over him.

In Korea, Gloria reaches down and grabs at a small, unseen object. In the playground, the Giant Monster snatches Oscar and holds him up to its face. This causes the Giant Robot to raise in the air, as if held by a giant, unseen hand. Oscar begins sobbing, asking Gloria/Giant Monster for forgiveness. She almost falls for his ruse, until he calls her a "f*cking bitch." Gloria then hurls her unseen captive into the distance. This causes the Giant Monster to throw Oscar a hundred miles through the air. In Seoul, the Giant Robot also sails off like a shot, never to be seen again.

The people of Seoul celebrate the defeat of the Giant Robot. Gloria walks into a bar, looking shellshocked. The bartender asks if she's OK. Gloria says yes, and asks if the woman would like to hear an amazing story. The lady says yes, and asks if she'd would like a drink first. Gloria lets out a long, ambiguous sigh.

Thoughts:
• I don't have a lot to say about this movie, so this'll be brief. That's a good thing, by the way! That means I couldn't find much wrong with it.


•  Once Gloria discovered she controlled the Giant Monster, why didn't she didn't just clam up and stay away from the playground? She and Oscar were the only ones linked to the location, and he was unlikely to ever go there before she involved him and he found out he could control a Giant Robot. 

Of course if she'd kept quiet about it and took another route home, then the film would have only been twenty minutes long.

• I liked the look and design of the Giant Monster quite a bit. Unfortunately we never really get a good look at the Giant Robot, as we only see it from a distance and only at night.


• Gloria tries to make amends to the people of Seoul by focring the Giant Monster write an apology in the sand. She gets a local restaurant owner to translate the message into Korean for her.

So why didn't she just use Google Translate? 

Oddly enough writer/director Vigalondo seems to realize this is a plot hole, as he even includes a line about Gloria not trusting the accuracy of online translators. It's pretty weak sauce though. There's also a lengthy scene calling attention to the fact that she needlessly risked exposing her link with the Monster by involving a third party, instead of translating it herself.

Why bother with all these unnecessary explanations? Why not just cut the scenes, have her use Google Translate and be done with it?

• I'm not a fan of Gloria and Oscar's "origin story," which explained how they can control rampaging kaiju on the other side of the world. To refresh your memory, as kids they were struck in the head by lighting. While standing in the future site of the playground. While Young Gloria was holding a school project about Seoul. And while they were both carrying toy monsters in their backpacks. Sheesh!

Honestly I think it would have been better if they'd just left it unexplained.

• Many reviewers had a problem with Oscar's sudden 
transformation from "Nice Guy" into violent, emotionally manipulative psycho, claiming it came completely out of the blue.

I disagree. The signs were there all along, from his very first scene. His true nature was buried just an inch or two under the surface, and it didn't take much provocation to bring it out.

Oscar plays the "Nice Guy" role to the hilt around Gloria, constantly giving her furniture bringing over groceries and even offering her a job. Of course he then feels she owes him something for these unsolicited gifts, and lashes out at her when he doesn't get what he thinks he deserves.

Kudos to Jason Sudeikis for such a subtle (maybe too subtle!) and amazingly perceptive performance.

• Sadly the film's plot train derails late in the third act. 

Oscar threatens Gloria physically and emotionally, vowing to destroy Seoul and kill thousands of innocents if she tries to leave town. Gloria then uses her connection with the Giant Monster to kill Oscar.

OK, her solution to the problem was a clever use of the rules the film set up, but it sends out a very weird message. Apparently if you're in an abusive, manipulative relationship with a violent, emotionally-crippled bully, just straight up murder him! Problem solved!

Sure, Oscar was a horrible asshole, he physically and mentally abused Gloria and his actions indirectly lead to the death of hundreds of innocents in Korea, but... did he really deserve to die for all that? It's not really for Gloria to decide. Especially since her drunken actions inadvertently killed several Seoul citizens as well. How about if maybe Gloria just called the police on him after he broke into her house and beat her?

Colossal is a bizarre mashup between an indie relationship drama and a kaiju movie, but somehow it works. It stuck with me for days after I saw it, which is more than I can say for most films these days. It falls apart toward the end, but overall it's a well-written and well-acted film that I highly recommend. I give it a solid B.

This Week In Bad Advertising

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As most readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld know, I'm a graphic designer by day and have worked in advertising and marketing for most of my adult life.

I dunno how things work elsewhere, but here at my job, when I finish laying out a project, it's only the beginning. Every ad I design is submitted to a veritable army of department heads, supervisors, sales associates and compliance officers, all of whom give it a glance before signing off on it. At least fifteen to twenty people have to approve my work before it's sent off to the printer. There are numerous opportunities to catch mistakes or change the content.

That's why it never ceases to amaze me when I come across a truly bizarre or inappropriate ad. How the hell do so many embarrassing, laughable or downright offensive advertisements get approved on a daily basis?

Like this online ad I saw on Yahoo recently. It's for one of those home DNA testing kits that analyzes your genetic makeup and lists your true ethnicity.

All well and good. But for the love of Thor, can someone tell me what the hell's going on in this ad? "What will your DNA tell you?" I dunno, but this horrifying banner seems to be implying this woman isn't quite as human as she assumed she was all these years!

Let's zoom in for a closer look, shall we? Can anyone explain why the lady in the ad is trying to shove a cow out of the way? Did it wander into the photoshoot and inadvertently stand on her test results? 

Or perhaps the cow ate her readout, and she's positioning herself so she can get a good look into its anal cavity, hoping to spot her DNA report?

What clinically insane art director thought this was a good idea and gave it a pass?

Then there's this one. It's supposed to show a little girl having fun using Elmer's Glue to mix up a batch of slime.

And yet it looks for all the world like she's howling with laughter as she holds up a giant pair of her mom's blue panties! I defy anyone to look at that sheet of slime and NOT see a pair of underpants!

Again, how did the Elmer's corporation let this slip through the cracks, no pun intended?

It Came From The Cineplex: Atomic Blonde

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Atomic Blonde was Written by Kurt Johnstad and directed by Lavid Leitch.

Johnstad previously wrote True Vengeance, 300, Act Of Valor and 300: Rise Of An Empire. Leitch has worked primarily as a stuntman in dozens of films, and acted in a few. He co-directed John Wick with Chad Stahelsi, but for some reason got no onscreen credit. He also directed No Good Deed.

The film is based on a graphic novel I've never heard of called The Coldest City, by Antony Johnston and Sam Hart.

Atomic Blonde is a Cold War spy-fest, hampered by an overly convoluted plot filled with agents constantly double and even triple crossing one another. After a while you'll realize there's no point in trying to figure out who's on which side or what's going on, as it ultimately doesn't matter. The entire plot exists solely as 
a framework on which to hang a series of impressive fight scenes. 

That said, director Leitch definitely knows his way around a good action setpiece. The action is all well filmed and choreographed, and very reminiscent of the fight scenes in John Wick (which of course shouldn't be a surprise, as he co-directed that film). Best of all, at no time is any annoying Shakey-Cam used to disguise the fact that the actors don't know how to throw a punch, which is a miracle in this day and age.

Unfortunately this focus on action and fight scenes means characterization takes a big hit. There are zero emotional stakes in the film, and no one for the audience to care about. Say what you will about the John Wick films, but at least there the title character had a bit of depth to him, and we know he loved his late wife and his pet dog. In Atomic Blonde we absolutely nothing about Charlize Theron's Lorraine emotionless automaton of a character, and know nothing more about her at the end of the film than we did at the beginning. The only thing we ever find out about her is her penchant for bathing in ice water, apparently to match her chilly, frigid exterior.

So far the film's grossed around $73 million worldwide ($47 million in the States, and $26 million overseas) against its slim $30 million budget. Since films generally need to make back twice their production budget to break even, Atomic Blonde could be considered a very slight financial hit.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
It's needlessly convoluted, so I'll try to make some sense of it.

We start out in East Berlin in November, 1989, shortly before the fall of the Berlin Wall. MI6 agent James Gasciogne runs through the streets, chased by a car. The car violently slams into him and KGB agent Yuri Bakhtin exits. Bakhtin shoots Gasciogne in the head, takes his large, conspicuous watch (Plot Point!) and tosses the body into the river. Honestly there's really no point to this scene other than to establish the existence of the watch.


Gasciogne was searching for The List— a top secret document containing the names of every undercover agent operating in Europe. MI6 and the CIA are both anxious to recover The List, as it could jeopardize national security if it falls into enemy hands. Unfortunately Gasciogne was betrayed by an agent named Satchel.

Sometime later, British MI6 agent Lorraine Broughton is debriefed (ouch!) by her superior Eric Gray (played by Toby Jones) and CIA agent Kurzfeld (played by John Goodman). Gray sent Lorraine to Berlin to recover The List, and demands to know what happened. She says she doesn't know the whereabouts of The List, and that the mission was a complete failure.

Lorraine tells the story of happened on her mission, as we flash back to ten days earlier. Yep, that's right— this is a dreaded Flashback Movie. Whatever happens to Lorraine from this point on, we know she survives because we've already seen her alive in the future. How I loathe this kind of film. But I digress. MI6 sends Lorraine to Berlin to kill the treacherous Satchel and recover The List. She's ordered to meet with her contact, David Percival (played by James McAvoy).

We catch up with Percival in a bar, as he meets with a Stasi officer who's code-named Spyglass (played by Eddie Marsan). Spyglass has memorized The List (?) and will give the info to Percival if he helps him defect to the West. Unfortunately KGB arms dealer Bremovych is looking for Spyglass, brutally killing anyone who gets in his way. Are you getting all this?

Lorraine arrives in East Berlin and is met by two men who claim they're taking her to meet Percival. Fortunately for her she realizes the men are Bremovytch's agents, and kills them in a cool action setpiece. She then meets Percival, who was following her car. He agrees to help her find The List.

Lorraine goes to Gasciogne's apartment to look for clues. Seems that Lorraine was romantically involved with Gasciogne before he was killed. She sees a photo of him with Percival. Just then the East German police arrive, and once again, Lorraine dispatches them in an impressive action setpiece. She suspects Percival set her up, since he's the only person who knew she'd be in the apartment.

She then goes to a bar, where she's approached by a French agent named Delphine (played by Sofia Boutella). They go back to Delphine's place and Lorraine shoves her against the wall, suspicious of her intent. She eventually decides Delphine's not a threat, and the two of them roll around in bed for a while in order to wake up the males in the audience.

Bakhtin approaches Percival, who kills him with an ice pick (!). He takes Gasciogne's watch from Bakhtin's wrist and puts it on. Again with the watch!

Spyglass then asks Lorraine for her help to get over the Wall into West Berlin. For some reason, Percival agrees to help. They set up an elaborate escape plan, but then Spyglass throws a monkey wrench into it when he reveals his wife and child are coming along too. Lorraine and Percival split up the family, sending the missus and child one way, while attempting to sneak Spyglass out during a large protest march.

The plan works at first, until suddenly Percival shoots Spyglass in the gut (?). Lorraine hurries him into a building, where they're attacked by many KGB agents. Lorraine manages to kill them all in a gloriously bloody and impressive ten minute long fight sequence that's designed to look like one continuous shot.

Lorraine manages to get Spyglass out of the building and into a car, and of course a chase ensues. Suddenly another car slams into hers, knocking it into the river. She manages to escape, but Spyglass' seatbelt is stuck and he drowns. Welp, so much for that subplot, I guess!

Back in her apartment, Delphine develops photos she secretly took, and comes to the conclusion that Percival is actually Satchel (he's not). Just then he conveniently breaks into her apartment and for some reason strangles her. Lorraine arrives later and finds Delphine's body.

We then see Percival burning all his records as he prepares to flee his apartment. Lorraine confronts him, says she knows he's Satchel (he's not) and shoots him in the head. She then takes his watch, which we see secretly contains The List.

Flash forward to the debriefing, as Lorraine wraps up her story. She gives Delphine's photos to Gray, which prove that Percival was the traitor Satchel (he wasn't). Gray asks if Lorraine has The List, but she says no— it apparently died with Spyglass. Gray closes the case.

Sometime later, Lorraine is in Paris. She meets with Bremovych, presumably to give him The List. At the last second she pulls a gun out of an ice bucket (?) and kills Bremovych, paying him back for murdering Gasciogne.

Lorraine then joins Kurzfeld on a plane headed for the States. She gives him The List, revealing she's really an American, and was Satchel all along. Um... surprise, I guess?

Thoughts:
• Honestly I can't think of much to say about this film. It was mildly entertaining, it took up 115 minutes of my time, and it began fading from my memory by the time I walked back to my car.


Atomic Blonde's storyline is so convoluted it makes it hard to spot any plot holes. For example, I still have absolutely no idea what Percival's plan was, or why he did any of the things he did in the film. 

Who was he working for? Was he an enemy agent, or out for himself? Was he evil or just opportunistic? Your guess is as good as mine. I'd need to see the film again to figure it out, and that ain't happening. I was too busy trying to keep up with the plot to pay attention to character motives. 

Maybe that was the idea here? Confuse the audience so they don't realize how hollow the film is?

• The McGuffin that everyone's trying to get their hands on in the film is a list of every MI6 and CIA spy working undercover in Europe. Ugh, THIS plot again?

They used this same "We've Got To Recover The Undercover Spy List" trope in the first Mission: Impossible movie, as well as in Skyfall. It's fast becoming the "One Last Mission Before I Retire From My Life Of Crime" plot of heist movies, or the "Villain Feels He's Been Wronged By The Hero And Seeks Revenge" storyline of virtually every comic book films.

• Not necessarily a nitpick, but an observation: In 2008's Wanted (which oddly enough also starred James MacAvoy), wounded agents took baths in hot wax to help them heal faster. 

Here Lorraine regularly bathes in tubs filled with ice water, presumably to help heal her bruises quicker. So which is it, Hollywood? What heals best, hot wax or ice?

• The highlight of the entire film is unquestionably the amazing ten minute fight scene in the third act, in which Lorraine battles several enemy agents inside an abandoned apartment building. 

The scene appears to be one long, continuous take, but of course that's not true. In reality it was created from forty separate shots, stitched together with CGI (or sometimes a strategically placed pole or body) to look like a single scene. It's all done so smoothly though that it takes you a while to realize it's all one seemingly unbroken shot.

This fight scene is absolutely brutal, as none of Lorraine's male opponents hold back against her. It's somewhat shocking at first to see a lumbering thug whaling the tar out of Charlize Theron, but fortunately she's such a badass that she's able to dish out equal punishment.

The best part of the fight is its realism. After several minutes of constant punching, stabbing and shooting, Lorraine and her opponents are so battered they actually stop a few times, backing away from one another panting until they get their second wind. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone do that in a movie!

It's almost like the movie exists just so they could hang this epic fight scene on it. In fact I wouldn't be surprised to find out they started with the fight first, and then wrote the plot around it.

• Eddie Marsan plays Spyglass, the agent trying to defect to West Berlin. Every time I see Marsan, I can't help but feel he looks like the unholy and ill-advised offspring of Howard Sprague and Floyd The Barber.

• Other than the single-shot fight scene, the best thing by far about Atomic Blonde is its soundtrack. Every song in the film made me smile, as I was a big fan of 1980s synth pop back in the day. Hey, don't judge me! It was a different time!

Here's just a few of the songs used in the film. I'd be tempted to buy the soundtrack CD, if that was something people still did:

Blue Monday '88, performed by New Order
Cat People (Putting Out Fire), performed by David Bowie
Fight The Power, performed by Public Enemy
Major Tom, performed by Peter Schilling
99 Luftballonsperformed by Nena
Father Figureperformed by George Michael
Der Kommissarperformed by After The Fire
London Callingperformed by The Clash
Cities In Dustperformed by Siouxsie and the Banshees
The Politics Of Dancingperformed by Re-Flex 
Voices Carry, performed by Til Tuesday
Stigmata, performed by Marilyn Manson
Behind the Wheel, performed by Depeche Mode
I Ran (So Far Away), performed by A Flock of Seagulls
Under Pressure, performed by Queen and David Bowie


Atomic Blonde is a spy thriller filled with impressively choreographed John Wick-esque fight scenes. Unfortunately, fight scenes do not a movie make. There's zero characterization, and the plot is so needlessly convoluted it's honestly not worth the effort to try and unravel it. It's got a great soundtrack though! I give it a middling C+.


Proofreading Is Important, Kids!

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Was driving to work today and saw this sign on the marquee of Donut Bank (a local Dunkin' Donuts knockoff store).

OK, I get what they're trying to say here— there's a "Three Bagels For $1.50 Special On Wednesday." But they spelled it out in the worst way possible. As written it looks like they're saying bagels are three for a buck. But if you're patient and wait until Wednesday, then you can get FIFTY for a dollar! Wotta deal!

I'm not a fan of Donut Bank for reasons, so I dearly hope that this Wednesday someone walks in, plops a dollar on the counter and refuses to leave until they get their fifty bagels.

It Depends

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So I'm typing an email on Yahoo this morning, glance over at the right side of the screen and see this ad:

Jesus Christ, Yahoo! What the hell are you trying to say? I'm not old enough to need this. Yet. Not even for two dollars off.

Welp, that's it for today. I'm going home and spending the rest of the day sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the floor.
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