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Imitation Is The Something Something Flattery!

May 23, 2017, 2:01 pm
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WARNING! We've only got about a month left before the premiere of the upcoming Transformers: The Last Knight film.

I haven't yet decided if I'm going to see this film or not. As you may remember, the previous Transformers installment is the film that very nearly broke me, both physically and mentally. I dunno if I want to put myself through that punishment again.

Anyway, I recently saw this image of one of the new Transformer designs from the upcoming film.

So apparently the Transformers have now transformed into Gundams. Got it.

Seriously, look at that thing! That is a goddamned Gundam right there! Same helmet-like head, complete with upright "ears," same lanky body, and most of all the same exact white with red, yellow & blue color scheme. Talk about blatant!

Gundams first appeared back in 1979, and had that same color palette right from the start.

Probably ninety percent of every one made since has been white with red, yellow and blue accents.

The body may change slightly, but those four colors show up over and over and over.

You'd think if Michael Bay's gonna steal their design, the least he could do is alter the color scheme a bit.

At least there doesn't appear to be any robot testicles on this new Gundam/Transformer hybrid, so there's that.
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It Came From The Cineplex: Phoenix Forgotten

May 23, 2017, 2:04 pm
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I've gotten a bit behind on movie reviews here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, so I'm gonna try and get caught up in the next few days. This movie's probably no longer in theaters, but I sat through the goddamned thing so you're all gonna share my pain!

Phoenix Forgotten was "written" by T.S. Nowlin and Justin Barber, and "directed" by Justin Barber.

Nowlin previously wrote the utterly forgettable The Maze Runner and Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials. Barber has worked primarily as a graphic artist for various films. Phoenix Forgotten is his first major directing job.

Take The Blair Witch Project, substitute UFOs for the supernatural elements, cram in a pointless documentary framing device and you'll have a pretty good idea what this movie's like. There's even a character named Josh!

The film's based on the famous "Phoenix Lights" incident, which occurred on March 13, 1997 in Phoenix, Arizona. Thousands of witnesses observed a formation of strange lights in the sky, which were also seen in other parts of Arizona, as well as Nevada and even northern Mexico. It was one of the most-observed UFO incidents in recent history.

Despite what the poster says about "Shocking Untold True Events," the film's "missing teen" angle is complete and utter bullsh*t pulled straight out of the screenwriters' asses. It's yet another lame attempt to ape the success of The Blair Witch Project, which also tried to convince the audience they were watching actual video footage.

The film does try to distance itself a small bit from Blair Witch by bookending the found footage with a faux documentary about the incident and subsequent disappearances. It's a nice try, but in the end it doesn't offer us anything we haven't seen numerous times before in the past two decades. In the end the documentary angle does nothing but pad the run time, making the long, slow slog to the UFO abduction even more interminable.

I just realized something. This movie is a faux documentary about a fake disappearance that resulted from a UFO incident that never happened. Trifecta!

So far Phoenix Forgotten's grossed just $3.5 million against its $2.8 million budget. That's pretty dismal! Horror movies, even terrible found footage ones like this, generally always do well at the box office. Heck, even the dreadful The Bye Bye Man was a modest hit, grossing $26 million against its $7 million budget! Maybe this is a sign that the detestable found footage genre has finally run its course. We can only hope.

Lastly, I'm having trouble coming to grips with the fact that a movie set in 1997 is now considered a period piece. Excuse me while I go take my rheumatiz medicine, yell at some clouds and pull my pants up to my chest.

SPOILERS, I GUESS.

The Plot:
We open on video footage of Sophie Bishop's sixth birthday party on March 13, 1997, filmed by her older brother Josh. Suddenly everyone sees a series of mysterious lights in the sky, and Josh shakily (of course) films them. They wonder if the lights were military planes or a UFO. Suddenly two jets blast over the house, apparently chasing after the lights.

Cut to the present day (I guess), as the now adult Sophie is filming a documentary about her brother Josh's disappearance. Josh and his friend Ashley and Mark all disappeared a week after so-called "Phoenix Lights Incident." No trace of the them was ever found.

Sophie's dad picks her up at the airport and drops her off at their old home. Her parents divorced after Josh disappeared, and her mother is selling the house. Sophie's mother gives her a box of Josh's old videotapes, and she begins watching them.

When then get sort of a flashback, as the tape features newscasts of the Lights, along with Josh and his dad being interviewed. There's also a press conference with the then-Governor of Arizona, who mocks the incident and dismisses it.

Another tape shows that Josh attempted to film his own documentary about the Lights, interviewing various people around town. This is how he meets Ashley, a fellow student who he has a crush on. Josh and Ashley show the footage of the Lights to two local astronomers, who say they were most likely military flares. They also interview a Native American who says the Lights are a legend within his tribe, and he's seen things like them before.

Josh wants to visit the reservation where the Lights have been seen, but neither he or Ashley have a car. Josh talks his friend Mark into driving them. He and Mark drive into the desert to search for the Lights. They spot a bright light in the distance and hike up a steep hillside. There they see a group of police standing around a spotlight, looking into the sky with telescopes and binoculars, obviously searching for the UFO. The police spot the kids, and Josh and Mark hightail it back to the car.

The next day Josh and Mark pick up Ashley, and the three drive south of Phoenix, to the Indian Reservation where the lights have also been spotted. Unfortunately Josh's tapes end here.

Back in the present day, Sophie interviews a police officer who found Mark's abandoned car. It was in working condition and there was no evidence of foul play, other than a few drops of Mark's blood. He says the police investigated the case thoroughly, but reached a dead end and were forced to call it off. The officer says he always found it odd that Josh left his camera in the vehicle.

Sophie asks for the camera, and since it's no longer evidence, the officer gives it to her. She watches the tape in the camera as we flash back again. As the three teens drive along, Josh sleeps while Mark and Ashley get to know one another. They come to the mountains and pull over and take off on foot. Josh is angry that Mark and Ashley seem to be hitting it off. They come to a clearing where they see a dozen or so coyotes that've been burned to death by... something. The tape abruptly ends there.

In the present again, Sophie can't believe Josh would leave his camera in the car and not film whatever they found. She makes an incredibly intuitive leap and says there must have been a second camera. She contacts the school and asks if a video camera was checked out in 1997 and never returned, but unfortunately their records don't go back that far.

Sophie sees an interview with the former Governor, who's now recanting his statement from 1997, and says he believes the Phoenix Lights really were a UFO. She tracks down the Governor's former press agent, but he refuses to speak to her.

Her investigation at a dead end, Sophie leaves Phoenix and returns home.

Sometime later a lady from Josh's school calls Sophie, and tells her she found something. Apparently there really was a second camera (!), and someone found it in the desert and mailed it back to the school. Sophie returns to Phoenix and picks up the camera, which is scorched almost beyond recognition. Sophie's boyfriend carefully removes the tape from the burned camera, and amazingly it still plays. They watch the tape in stunned silence.

After watching the footage, Sophie sends a copy of the tape to an Air Force General. She later arranges an interview with him, but all he'll tell her is to never let the footage get out. Sophie's boyfriend asks what's next, and she says, "What do you think Josh would do?"

The final half hour or so of the film is Josh's tape. He, Ashley and Mark move past the burned coyotes, and into the rocky desert. They walk through a canyon marked with Indian petroglyphs that resemble primitive UFOs. Josh and Mark argue over Ashley. Suddenly Mark sees another object similar to the Phoenix Lights in the distance, and Josh films it. They congratulate themselves for capturing the UFO on tape a second time.

Josh wants to wait and see if the lights return, but Ashley says she has a curfew and needs to get back home. They head back toward the car, but soon become lost. They find more petrogylphs in the canyon, including odd hand prints. Ashley looks at Mark's compass, and sees the needle spinning wildly. Mark climbs a hill by himself to see if he can spot the car.

Josh and Ashley here a strange sound and are blinded by a bright light directly above them. After it disappears, Mark returns, acting oddly. They then find the car, pile in and head for home. Ashley notes that Mark looks sick, as his nose begins bleeding (which is why the police found his blood in the car). Mark insists he's OK. They see a light behind them, and think it's another car at first. It gets closer and closer, and flies over them, bathing them in bright light again. The car dies, as all of the electronics stop working. Josh and Mark push it to the side of the road, where the police will eventually find it. For some reason, Mark leaves his camera in the car.

The three teens get out and walk back toward town. Mark lags farther and farther behind, as he's clearly ill. Suddenly he runs into the desert, saying he can hear his brother (?), and Josh and Ashley chase after him. Suddenly the sky lights up again, flattening the teens. Rocks float up in the air and come crashing down. When the event is over, Mark has completely disappeared.

They search for a while, but Josh finally convinces Ashley they need to get help and come back for Mark. They spot a house in the distance, and run to it for help. Josh notices Ashley's nose is bleeding, and when she runs her hand through her hair, large chunks of it come out.

Ashley then runs ahead of Josh, saying she can hear her father. The light returns and more rocks are sucked up into the air. Josh looks up and can just make out a series of spinning rings above him. The light disappears again, and Ashley's nowhere to be found.

He runs to the house and goes inside. He looks around for a phone, and sees himself in a mirror and notices that now HIS nose is bleeding. And yes, despite the fact that his friends have been abducted and he's been attacked by the light several times, he's still filming with the goddamned camera.

The intense light shines through the windows, as everything in the house rises up. The roof is ripped off and Josh flies into the air. He's sucked into a ship as he lets go of the camera, which spins crazily before hitting the ground, where it'll be found and mailed back to the school.

Thoughts:
• There's really not a lot to say about this film. There's no message here, it brings nothing new to the table, it's not the least bit scary and there's absolutely no point to it, so this should be mercifully short.

• In case you think I'm exaggerating that this movie is nothing more than The Blair Witch Project with UFOs, just take a look at the names of Phoenix Forgotten's three main characters: Josh, Ashley and Mark. That's completely different from Blair Witch's Josh, Heather and Mike!

• The footage of the Phoenix Lights seen in the film (and allegedly shot by Josh) is actual video of the "real" event taken by an eyewitness in 1997.

As you might expect, the incident has been thoroughly debunked over the years. Most people don't realize there were actually TWO different events in Phoenix on the night of March 13, 1997. The first happened at 8:30 pm, and was the infamous "V" formation. Very few people actually saw this first event, as there was no reason for them to be staring up at the sky at that time.

Later that night around 10 pm, thousands of people who'd heard about the earlier sighting spotted a second, completely unrelated event. This sighting consisted of a line of lights that slowly sank behind the nearby Estrella Mountain range. The vast majority of witnesses confused this sighting with the earlier "V" formation, which they never actually saw.

The "V" event was later confirmed to simply be a formation of airplanes flying at high altitude, which was corrobrated by witnesses viewing them through telescopes. The second formation was a series of flares dropped by a military plane, which slowly sank to the ground.

• The found footage parts of the movie are set in 1997, so you know what that means! Anachronisms Ahoy!

At one point Josh and Ashley research historical UFO sightings in a library. Josh finds an illustration of a UFO that looks like a series of spinning rings, and say sit reminds him of the movie Contact. Ashley says that's her favorite movie, and even does a spot-on Jodie Foster impression from the film.

Supposedly the three teens when missing on March 20, 1997 (exactly one week after the Phoenix Lights incident). Contact was released on July 11 of 1997, some four months after the kids disappeared. Whoops!

After the teens disappear, billboards pop up all over Phoenix urging anyone with info to call a hotline. Unfortunately the 480 area code used on the billboard wasn't a thing in Arizona until April 1, 1999. Double whoops!

• In the film we see footage of then-Arizona Governor Fife Symington holds a televised "press conference" to mock and debunk the Phoenix Lights incident.

Later, in the present day half of the film, we see an interview of an older Fife Symington as he recants his earlier statements, saying he now believes the incident was real (insert eye roll here).

Both the press conference and later interview were actual footage of the real Fife Symington.

Fife?

• Near the end of the film, Sophie sends Josh's "lost" tape to an Air Force General. After he views it, all he has to say to her is "Don't ever let it get out."

Really? That's it? Sophie has a tape which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that UFOs and UFO abduction are real! Wouldn't the Air Force raid her house, confiscate all her video equipment and every copy of the tape and threaten her with legal action or even incarceration if it ever leaks to the public?

Phoenix Forgotten is yet another in a long, long, LONG line of imitators inspired by The Blair Witch Project. This one tries to hide its obvious roots by adding a faux documentary to the mix, which does nothing but pad the run time. Do yourself a favor and forget about Phoenix Forgotten (see what I did there?). I give it a D+.

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2017 Box Office Predictions Part One RESULTS (January thru April)

May 24, 2017, 8:55 am
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Last year my nephew Kyle and I began a tradition of predicting the year's Box Office Hits and Flops. We didn't do so well in 2016, as Kyle's predictions had a 41% accuracy rate, and mine was even worse at 37%. I guess we vastly underestimated the general moviegoing public's willingness to sit through literally anything.

We decided to try our hands at predicticating again this year, and see if we could do better this time. Below are the results of our 2017 Box Office Predictions Part One (January thru April). My comments are in red, while Kyle's are in blue.

Note: I don't want to have to keep saying this over and over, so keep this in mind— due to marketing and other costs, these days a movie has to make around TWICE its PRODUCTION BUDGET in order to break even. So if a movie cost $100 million to film, it's gotta make $200 million before it actually makes a dime! Crazy, huh?

OK, let's see how we did!

Underworld: Blood Wars
Bob: The fact that this was supposed to come out last October and was pushed back to this January tells me all I need to know. Plus these movies have historically ALL been "meh" at best. I doubt it'll even, um, break even.

Budget: $35 million
Domestic Gross: $30,348,260 • Foreign Gross: $50,709,541
Worldwide: $81,057,801

Welp, I was right on the nose if you only count the domestic gross. It cost $35 million and only made a shockingly low $30 million. If you add the domestic and foreign grosses, it managed to scrape up $81 million, meaning it just barely moved past the break even point. That has to be a disappointment for Screen Gems, aka SONY.

I'm gonna go ahead and give myself a point for this one.

The Bye Bye Man
Bob: Sounds like the usual watered down PG-13 horror tripe. If its budget is small enough, it might manage to make a bit of money. Teens will pay to see any movie so they can sit in a dark room and text.

Budget: $7 million
Domestic Gross: $22,395,806 • Foreign Gross: $4,271,391
Worldwide: $26,667,197

As I predicted, as bad as this film was (and boy, was it bad) it managed to make a small profit. Another point for me.

Monster Trucks
Bob: It has a $125 million budget (!), so it's gonna have to make at least $250 million just to break even. I don't see it making that much. I'm betting it'll be an expensive flop.

Budget: A whopping $125 million
Domestic Gross: $33,063,274 • Foreign Gross: $31,123,749
Worldwide: $64,493,915

This movie's inexplicably enormous budget doomed it from the start. There was no way it was ever gonna make it past its break even point, due to all the bad press the film received before it ever came out. I still maintain that this was a deliberate tax write-off on the part of Paramount.

Another point for me!

Split
Bob: The film only cost an extremely low $5 million (!), so I actually think it'll do OK. Surely it can clear at least $10 million!

Budget: $9 million
Domestic Gross: $138,120,085 • Foreign Gross: $136,857,851
Worldwide: $274,977,936

Hmm. I predicted it would do "OK." Looks like I was a bit off here. It grossed a very surprising and respectable $138 million here, for an astonishing total of $274 million worldwide. I don't get it, as I thought it was a middling film at best, but SOMEONE must have liked it.

Darn. A miss for me.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage
Bob: I'm predicting a bomb.

Budget: $85 million
Domestic Gross: $44,898,413 • Foreign Gross: $301,249,245
Worldwide: $346,147,658

Well, I predicted a bomb, and I was right if you only count the domestic gross. The film barely racked up half its budget here in the States. It's a much bigger hit overseas though (no doubt due to the diverse, international cast), where it grossed a very impressive $346 million!

I'm going to give myself half a point for this one.

The Red Turtle
Bob: It's a Studio Ghibli film, and they're always well-regarded, but they usually don't get a wide release. There's no way it'll be a huge hit. It'll probably make more on home video.

Budget: $3.7 million
Domestic Gross: $912,825

As I suspected, this film didn't get much of a release, playing in just 115 theaters (for comparison, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage played in 3,651 theaters!). It never played anywhere near me. I have no idea why it had such a limited release. Maybe they intended it to be a home video release, but stuck it in a few theaters and film festivals so it could win some awards?

Another point for me!

A Dog’s Purpose
Bob: Kids might latch onto it, so I think it might be a very mild hit if Rogue One isn't still siphoning money from the box office at the end of January.

Budget: $22 million
Domestic Gross: $64,230,845 • Foreign Gross: $120,670,635
Worldwide: $184,901,480

I'm very surprised by this film's success, especially considering the "animal abuse" bombshell that dropped shortly before it's release. I predicted a "mild hit," which is what I'd call the domestic gross.

I'm gonna give myself a half point for this one.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Bob: I doubt this'll be a massive hit, but I think it'll make a small profit.

Budget: $40 million
Domestic Gross: $26,830,068 • Foreign Gross: $285,412,558
Worldwide: $312,242,626

Well, I predicted it would make a small profit. That was wrong both domestically and abroad. It was a huge flop in the States, and a massive hit overseas. Look for Resident Evil 7 in a year or two!

Darn. Another miss.

Rings
Bob: Rings was supposed to come out last year, but was pushed back to the January Film Dumping Ground, which is a bad sign. It's yet another watered down PG-13 horror film which will make back its low budget and turn a very small profit.

Budget: $25 million
Domestic Gross: $27,793,018 • Foreign Gross: $55,287,872
Worldwide: $83,080,890

As I predicted, Rings made a very small profit (as most horror films do), due to its relatively low budget.

Point for me!

The Space Between Us
Bob: I smell a bomb.

Budget: $30 million
Domestic Gross: $7,885,294 • Foreign Gross: $6,908,091
Worldwide: $14,793,385

WOW! When I said "I smell a bomb," I had no idea just how right I was! What. The. Hell? How the hell can a movie gross just $7 million in this day and age? This wasn't a limited release either, it played in 2,812 theaters! Holy crap!

Another BIG point for me. Heck, I oughta get five points for this one!

The Lego Batman Movie
Bob: The Lego Movie brought in $470 million worldwide. I think this one will do even more than that. Kids will be chomping at the bit to see a new Lego adventure, plus ticket prices are slightly higher now.

Kyle: Right now, The Lego Batman Movie appears to be the only kid-family oriented film opening in February, so it should be a modest hit. I don't see it equaling the Lego Movie's numbers, but I predict this bringing in somewhere between $300-350 million.

Budget: $80 million
Domestic Gross: $174,691,628 • Foreign Gross: $134,000,000
Worldwide: $308,691,628

Hmm. Looks like both Kyle and I seriously overestimated the popularity of this film. I'm honestly surprised, as I expected it to do much, much better.

A miss for both of us.

A Cure For Wellness
Bob: It's directed by Gore "Pirates Of The Caribbean" Verbinski, for whatever that's worth. It's rated R, which is a rarity for a horror movie these days, but I don't know if that'll be enough to save it. I'm gonna say bomb.

Budget: $40 million
Domestic Gross: $8,106,986 • Foreign Gross: $18,356,451
Worldwide: $26,463,437

Yikes! Another huge bomb that I predicted! Again, this wasn't some indie-circuit thing, it played in 2,704 theaters. That's just embarrassing.

Another point for me!

The Great Wall
Bob: The movie's already made almost $200 worldwide, which is amazing. Honestly it could go either way here. I definitely don't think it'll be a blockbuster, but it might make a small profit.

Budget: $150 million
Domestic Gross: $45,157,105 • Foreign Gross: $286,800,000
Worldwide: $331,957,105

Whoops! I predicted it might make a small profit here. Just the opposite. That's too bad, as I liked the movie quite a bit. Even with the foreign gross, it just barely squeaked by the break even point.

A miss for me.

Patient Zero
Bob: Not to be confused with the cinematic jewel Cabin Fever: Patient Zero. This one inexplicably stars Matt Smith, Natalie Dormer and Stanley Tucci. What the hell are they all doing in a movie like this? I dunno, I'm gonna say it might make a very, very slight profit.

Hmm. This movie was supposed to premiere on February 17, but it's release date is now listed as "TBD." That's never a good sign.
No points either way, since it never came out.

The Girl With All The Gifts
Bob: This one actually looks interesting, and much better than Patient Zero. It's a British film, and unfortunately didn't do well there, which is a bad sign. It'll probably get spotty distribution in the States, so I don't foresee a huge hit.

Welp, this one apparently never made it to theaters here and went straight to home video, which should probably tell you something about its quality.

Again, no points either way.

Get Out
Bob: If the budget's low enough, I think it'll probably be a very low-level hit.

Budget: $4.5 million
Domestic Gross: $172,534,250 • Foreign Gross: $21,153,229
Worldwide: $193,687,479

The budget info wasn't available when I made my prediction, but it's listed now. And boy, is it ever a tiny budget at $4.5 million! With a production cost that low, pretty much ANYTHING it made was guaranteed to be profit.

I said it'd be a "very low-level hit." It was much more than low level, grossing almost fifty times its budget!

Darn. Another miss.

Rock Dog
Bob: It was supposed to come out last year, which is all I need to know. BOMB!

Budget: $60 million (!)
Domestic Gross: $9,420,546
Worldwide: $9,420,546

Looks like I was right. Despite the fact that it looks like a direct-to-video CGI cartoon, it somehow cost a whopping $60 million! And it only grossed a sixth of that, worldwide. I'd call that a bomb!

Point for me!

Logan
Bob: Unlike the vast majority of fanboys who lost their collective minds over this trailer, it honestly didn't do anything for me. I think it looks dull as hell. But I think it'll be a big hit, mostly because Joe Public will think it's a Marvel Studios movie.

Kyle: This won't do Deadpool numbers but should do better than X-Men: Apocalypse. I predict this grossing in the $630-$675 million range.

Budget: $97 million
Domestic Gross: $224,508,170 • Foreign Gross: $383,233,488
Worldwide: $607,741,658

Welp, as I predicted, it was a pretty big hit. And I ended up liking it more than I expected as well. It came pretty close to Kyle's oddly specific $630 million prediction.

Point for both of us!

Kong: Skull Island
Bob: This looks a lot like a remake of the 1976 King Kong, which was a wonderfully cheesetastic train wreck. It looks kind of fun though, so I think it'll be a moderate hit.

Kyle: Not a bomb, but not a huge hit either. This will be a steady mainstay on cable networks like FX and TNT five years from now.

Budget: $185 million
Domestic Gross: $167,066,744 • Foreign Gross: $398,100,000
Worldwide: $565,166,744

Welp, I was completely wrong about this film. I said it'd be a moderate hit, and it didn't even make back its budget in the States, but was a pretty big hit overseas.

Another miss for us both.

Raw
Bob: Supposedly this movie wowed the festival circuit last year. it's a French film though, so that means it probably won't get a very wide release, and will only play in select markets. So it's not gonna make much money, no matter how good it might be.

Budget: $3.8 million
Domestic Gross: $514,870

Well, I was right on the money here. Based on that astonishingly tiny gross, I'm assuming it played on the festival circuit only.

Point for me!

Beauty and the Beast
Bob: Disney. Live action remake of a beloved animated classic. Nuff said. Massive box office hit.

Budget: $160 million
Domestic Gross: $498,225,739 • Foreign Gross: $724,050,444
Worldwide: $1,222,276,183

I'd call crossing over into BILLION dollar territory a massive box office hit. Actually it's continuing to rake in money, as it's STILL playing around here, two months after its release.

Point for me!

The Belko Experiment
Bob: Sounds interesting, and I like pretty much everything James Gunn's ever done. It comes out the same weekend as Beauty And The Beast though, so... it's gonna underperform.

Budget: $5 million
Domestic Gross: $9,697,090

I'd call grossing less than twice its production budget "underperforming."
Point for me.

Life
Bob: I watched the trailer and it looks interesting, but it seems to be the same "alien possession" story we've seen a hundred times before. I predict an expensive film that won't be a bomb, but won't make its money back either.

Kyle: This looks like a pretty interesting SciFi movie. Originally schedule for release on memorial day weekend, it was moved back to March to avoid competing with the new Pirates of the Carribbean movie (another hard skip for me). I always enjoy some of the more under that radar scifi movies like Moon and I an cautiously optimistic for this one.

Budget: $58 million
Domestic Gross: $30,189,466 • Foreign Gross: $63,577,006
Worldwide: $93,757,472

I'm gonna give myself a point here, as it didn't come anywhere near close to making its money back. Kyle said he was "cautiously optimistic" for it, so I'd say that's a miss for him.

Power Rangers
Bob: Who's this movie for? Fans of the original will be put off by all the puzzling changes made to the characters and hardware, and people who never watched the show won't go see this anyway. It's gonna be one expensive flop.

Budget: $100 million
Domestic Gross: $85,080,980 • Foreign Gross: $54,881,952
Worldwide: $139,962,932

Yep. Expensive flop. Lionsgate had big plans for this film, hoping it would start a whole Power Rangers franchise. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for Part 2, unless it's a very, very stripped-down, low budget affair.

Point for me.

Ghost in the Shell
Bob: No matter how good it might be, the white washing controversy is gonna hurt it. It's gonna have an uphill climb just to break even. I smell a bomb.

Kyle: I love the original anime movie and manga this is based on. I just don't see why an asian actress wasn't cast in the lead. That being said, I predict this grossing similar to Scarlet Johansson's 2014 film Lucy, which did $463 million.

Budget: $110 million
Domestic Gross: $40,540,778 • Foreign Gross: $129,131,608
Worldwide: $169,672,386

Wow. When I said I smelled a bomb, I had no idea how right I was. It made an embarrassing $40 million here in the States, and made slightly more than its budget overseas. Maybe making a live action movie of a twenty four year old anime that was innovative in its time but now seems stale wasn't such a great idea after all?
Point for me. A miss for Kyle, who predicted it would gross $400 million (!).

Sleight
Bob: Supposedly a hit at last year's Sundance Film Festival. Everyone's comparing it to Chronicle, which I liked OK, but... eh. I don't see this being a hit.

Budget: $250,000 (no, that's not a typo!)
Domestic Gross: $3,858,730

I don't even think this played at any cineplexes around here. If I did it must have only been out for a week before it was yanked. I don't remember sI'm not really sure how to call this one. A gross of almost $4 million bucks is laughably low these days, but when you put it up against its paltry $250,000 budget, suddenly it becomes massively profitable.
I'll give myself half a point here.

Smurfs: The Lost Village
Bob: Jesus, they're still making these things? The original Smurfs grossed $563 million worldwide, while Smurfs 2 made $347 million. Looks like the Smurfs films are following the law of diminishing returns. It'll probably make around $150 million. Depending on the budget, that's probably not enough to make it a hit.

Budget: $60 million
Domestic Gross: $43,198,127 • Foreign Gross: $139,501,190
Worldwide: $182,699,317

Hmm. I said it wouldn't be a hit, but due to it's low budget, it actually made a slight profit.

Darn. Another miss.

Spark
Bob: NOPE! Bomb.

Apparently this is another one that went direct to video, as I can't find ANY info on it now.

No points either way.

The Circle
Bob: The titular Circle is obviously a thinly disguised Google. The trailer looked like a whole lot of "meh" to me though, so I'm gonna say it might make a very small profit.

Budget: $18 million
Domestic Gross: $20,091,354

Ouch! Are you kidding me? After being in theaters for an entire month, this film could only manage to scrape up a measly $20 million, which is little more than its production cost. I'm not sure if it just hasn't played overseas yet, or if it's not going to. If it does, the foreign market could help it, but I'm gonna go ahead and call it a flop.

Another miss.

So that's it for our 2017 Box Office Predictions Part One (January thru April). Let's see how we did!


Bob: 66% Accuracy Rate

Kyle: 20% Accuracy Rate

Welp, I got 66%, which is much better than last year's dismal 37%. Believe it or not, that's still considered a lowly D+ on the standard grading scale. No wonder I hated school so much!

Unfortunately Kyle did worse this year, with 20%. Probably because he hasn't had as much time to become as cynical as I am.

Stay tuned for our 2017 Box Office Predictions Part One (May thru August) results!
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Putrid Posters: Spider-Man: Homecoming

May 25, 2017, 8:28 am
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There was a time when a movie poster was just as important as the film it promoted, if not more so. A good poster would tease, inform and pique your interest about a particular film, whipping you into a frenzy until you couldn't wait to see the movie.

That time is long past. Gone are the days when movie posters were beautiful examples of graphic design and illustration, and works of art in their own right. Classic movie poster design has been replaced by nightmarish collages, poorly stitched together in Photoshop.

And they seem to be getting worse, not better. So bad that I'm starting a new feature here on Bob Canada's BlogWorld, called Putrid Posters.

For example, take this brand new Putrid Poster for Sony/Marvel Studio's upcoming joint venture, Spider-Man: Homecoming. Oy gevalt! Where do I start?

Seriously, Sony? It's hard to believe this is an official piece of promotional art from a professional marketing department, and not an example of amateurish fan art.

So why is it so bad? Because there's no design! There's no focal point to draw your eye, so your attention bounces all around the thing like a moth looking for a place to land. 

Who am I supposed to be looking at here? Who's the main character? Is it Tom Holland as Peter Parker? He's sort of in the center, but he's overwhelmed by Robert Downey Jr., who's sternly hovering over his shoulder as he stares off into the distance. What's he looking at? And why does he seem to be on fire? Who knows?

Why is Michael Keaton's face bigger than Tom Holland's? Is he more important than the main character? Why not place the small image of Keaton as the winged Vulture closer to his head, to establish a connection between the two?

Plus Michael Keaton and Marisa Tomei are both staring at something off to the right, which is another big no-no, as it drags your poor eye away from the main character (Tomei in particular seems delighted by whatever it is she sees!). They should both be facing inward, to draw your eye back to the center of the poster.

And was there really no other photo of Jon Favreau available anywhere in the world except for one in which he's awkwardly trying to button his suit jacket?

It's blatantly obvious that this "poster" was cobbled together from at least thirteen or fourteen different photographic elements, all of which were shot under radically different conditions with multiple lighting sources.

Seriously, look at the image above. Each yellow arrow represents a different light source.

As a general rule, when designing a collage with multiple figures and objects, you should pick ONE light source and stick with it. It helps to tie all the disparate elements together and make a complex layout into a cohesive whole. When you have a dozen light sources your eyes may not notice something's wrong, but your subconscious mind will.

Contrary to how I sound, I don't think ALL photographic posters are inherently bad. It's entirely possible to have a well-designed one. Take this Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 poster for example. It features lots of photographic elements, but they're all consistently lit, well-posed, extensively modified and they're all tied together with colorful computer graphics. 

You just needs an artist who knows what the hell they're doing.

There's a really easy way to eliminate all these photo-collage problems— ILLUSTRATE your poster instead! That way you won't be at the mercy of whatever photographic content you're provided, and you can control the light source, as well as the poses of your figures. No more guys buttoning their suits on the poster!

Where's Drew Struzan when we need him?
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Today's Trump Tidbit: The Emperor's First Overseas Trip

May 25, 2017, 1:52 pm
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Back in February, I decided I was going to start a new feature here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, in which I would chronicle all the batsh*t insane things our Glorious Leader Trump did each week.

Sadly, I threw in the towel after just two installments. It was literally impossible to keep up with all the crap that Trumpy did and said on a daily basis. It would take me twelve or fourteen hours a day, every day. I am not kidding. It's that bad.

So I've contented myself with occasionally talking about the REALLY outrageous things he says and does. Like these!

Gods help us, but this week Emperor Cheeto's taking his first foreign trip since becoming president.

His first stop was Saudi Arabia, where First Lady Melania chose not to wear the traditional head scarf, which is required of all women who appear in public.

Note that it's not required for foreign-born women to cover their heads, and most don't.

You can probably guess where this is going. Back in 2015, Trumpy blasted Michelle Obama for not wearing a scarf when she traveled to the country...

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Trumpy took country music singer Toby Keith with him to Saudi Arabia to perform at a concert there.

You know, the same Toby Keith who wrote such touching ballads as Whiskey Girl, Drunk Americans and I Love This Bar. Songs that are sure to go over well in a country that's outlawed the drinking of alcohol and the mixing of sexes in public. Well done, Don!

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Is everything OK in the Trump household? Any marital spats, resentment or tensions that have been simmering for months, only for the stress of overseas travel to cause them to bubble to the surface?

The reason I ask is that Melania seems unwilling to hold hands with the Commander-In-Chief.

Here they are on a red carpet in Saudi Arabia. Note how she visibly swats him away as he attempts to hold her hand.

And here they are the next day, exiting Air Force One. Note that Trumpenstein reaches for Melania's hand and... DENIED! She jerks it away with lightning speed, pretending to adjust her hair rather than have her husband try to wrap his tiny, clammy digits around her hand.

It's obvious from these incidents that the First Lady recoils in revulsion at her husband's very touch. Honestly, who could blame her?

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On Day Two of Trumpy's Saudi Arabia visit, he reportedly dropped out of an event due to "extreme exhaustion," sending his daughter instead.

Hmm. Didn't he tweet something about this topic a year or so ago? Something about stamina?

Ah, here we go! I guess traveling to another country and shaking hands with various dignitaries must be MUCH more stressful than running an entire country!

Does Trump understand that we can still see everything he ever tweeted?

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No time to rest for Glorious Leader! On day three, he visited Israel's National Holocaust Memorial Center in Jerusalem.

As he left the museum, he signed the guest book, writing:

"It is a great honor to be here with all my friends. So amazing and will never forget."

That... doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for such a solemn institution. Did... did he think he was signing someone's yearbook?

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The whirlwind tour continued, as Emperor Cheeto visited the Vatican on Wednesday, for a meeting with none other than Pope Francis! And the Pontiff couldn't have been happier to meet the leader of the free world!

Just look at the Pope's jubilant expression! He's so ecstatic he can barely stay in the frame!

It should be a law that from this day forward, any and all books about Body Language MUST include this photo.

I imagine this photo session went something like this:

Photographer: "OK, everybody smile now. Your Holiness, could you scooch in a bit to your right?"
Pope:"Just take the goddamned picture!"

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Lastly, on Thursday Trumpy attended a NATO conference in Brussels, to mark the nation of Montenegro becoming an official member of the organization.

After the meeting, Glorious Leader physically grabs Dusko Markovic, the Prime Minister of Montenegro, and literally shoves him out of the way so he can get a good spot in front of the cameras. He then just out his chin as he theatrically adjusts his jacket, in a typical display of dominance.

Congratulations, Trumpy! We're now at war with Montenegro!

Only two days left on his trip!
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The Flash Season 3, Episode 23: Finish Line

May 26, 2017, 8:18 am
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It's the Season Finale of The Flash!

WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON, INCLUDING DISCUSSION ABOUT THE DEATH OF A MAJOR CHARACTER! TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE EPISODE!

SERIOUSLY, BIG HONKIN' SPOILERS AHEAD! I'M NOT KIDDING!

LAST CHANCE TO AVOID SPOILERS!

Overall this wasn't a great season of The Flash, but it had its moments.

The whole "Flashpoint" storyline turned out to be a dud, mostly because it only lasted a single episode. Think how much they could have done with the "alternate reality" concept if they'd given it four or five episodes and let it breath a bit, ala The Framework arc over on Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.

We also got not just one but TWO "Villain With A Shocking Secret Identity" storylines this year, which was at least one too many. The first, the Alchemy arc, was muddled and mishandled as he turned out to be Julian, the most obvious candidate possible. In fact I was convinced he had to be anyone but Julian, because he was such a glaringly blatant choice. 

The "Who Is Savitar?" storyline was similarly botched, as it dragged on for months and months. He first appeared in Episode 6 for Thor's sake, and his identity wasn't revealed until Episode 20! Fifteen episodes was WAYYYYY too long to drag out that mystery, as most of the audience (myself included) stopped caring weeks earlier. And when Savitar was finally revealed to be a future time remnant of Barry Allen, it required some heavy duty and convoluted time travel shenanigans in order to make it work.

Thankfully the season wasn't all bad though. The big Invasion! crossover episode with all the other Arrowverse shows was a highlight, as well as the two part return of Gorilla Grodd.

And the season actually started picking up near the end, once the mystery of Savitar's identity was finally resolved. It was a bit too little, too late though. Three or four good episodes do not a season make.

In a perfect world, The Flash showrunners would adopt Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s"story pod" system, and give us three or four shorter arcs per season. They sort of tried that this year with Flashpoint, Alchemy and Savitar, but if was clunky and much less elegant than the way S.H.I.E.L.D. effortlessly does it.

This week's episode was a bit of a mixed bag. There were a couple of cool developments, a head-scratching, puzzling sequence, and a terrible ending pulled straight out of the writers' asses. 

Last week I totally called the fact that HR used his transmogrifier to impersonate Iris, and that Savitar actually killed him instead. And that's exactly what happened, right down to the stage directions I described. Boo-yah!

I was also very surprised that the writers decided to have Killer Frost reject her cure, and remain a quasi-supervillain. Conflicted, anti-hero Killer Frost is much more interesting than meek, vanilla Caitlin any day.

On the down side, I didn't for one second buy the scene in which Barry and the Gang try to reach Savitar, and he actually accepts their offer of help. He tried to murder them all season long, and we're supposed to believe he does a complete 180º turn after just one pep talk? Doubtful.

The worst part of the episode though was the ending, in which Barry enters the Speed Force as penance for his time travel shenanigans. It came completely out of the blue and gave new meaning to the phrase "tacked-on." It feels like the only reason this ending exists is because the writers realized they hadn't come up with a cliffhanger yet, and cobbled one together in five minutes.

Lastly, The Flash executive producer and co-showrunner Aaron Helbing announced he won't be returning for Season 4. His brother, co-showrunner Todd Helbing, will remain with the show. I don't know whether this is good news or bad.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
The season finale picks up right where we left off last week— with Barry cradling the dead form of his fiance Iris, who's just been murdered by Savitar. Tracy Brand looks on in disbelief, while up on a nearby rooftop, Joe collapses with grief.

But wait! Iris isn't quite dead after all. And she isn't quite Iris either! She pulls out the facial transmogrifier and instantly transforms into HR, just as I predicted last week!

See, shortly after HR said his weirdly stilted goodbye to Cisco in the previous episode, he used the shard of Savitar's blade to find out where he was holding Iris. He then used the transmogrifier to make himself look like her, and vice versa (which we didn't know it could do, but whatever). Iris protests, but HR convinces her to go along with the ruse.

HR and Tracy share a brief goodbye, as he tells her he loves her. HR then gives Barry a special message for Cisco and promptly dies. Joe points out that Savitar took the Speed Force Bazooka with him after he killed "Iris."

Meanwhile, Cisco and Killer Frost are facing off in the forest. Savitar appears and tells her not to kill Cisco, as he needs him for a special project. Savitar then doubles over, saying something's not right. He realizes— as new memories from Barry form— that Iris is somehow still alive.

Back at STAR Labs, Joe says that since Iris wasn't killed, Savitar will never be created and should vanish from reality. Barry says this is technically true, but it could take several hours to happen. Julian tells the group that he worked with Caitlin's mom (remember her?) and came up with a cure for her Killer Frost-ism.

In Savitar's lair, he orders Cisco to alter the Speed Force Bazooka so it will shatter him and spread his fragments throughout time, so he'll exist simultaneously in the past, present and future. He says this will make him immune to the paradox that wants to erase him from history. Cisco of course refuses to help. Savitar threatens to kill, er, Killer Frost if he doesn't, and Cisco reluctantly gives in.

Barry, Iris and Joe enter the Time Room and see that the holographic newspaper now once again has Iris' byline on the front page, indicating things are back to normal. Iris asks Barry what he's going to do next, and he says "the last thing that Savitar expects!"

Barry goes to an abandoned (of course) warehouse and a few minutes later Savitar meets him (I guess he remembered this happening in the past?). He pleads with Savitar to let the STAR Labs Gang help him, dredging up memories of past fun times. Amazingly, this half-assed attempt at psychology somehow works on Savitar, seemingly reversing centuries of anger and hatred in just a few minutes.

Barry brings Savitar to STAR Labs, and asks the Gang (or what's left of it) to help him. Despite the fact that Savitar tried to kill Iris and ruined the past year of her life, she's willing to give it a go and forgives him. Tracy's not so generous, refusing to help the man who "took away her future." Iris tells Barry she knows someone who can convince Tracy to help. Savitar says it was a mistake to come to STAR and zooms off.

Tracy sits in her lab, brooding. Suddenly she sees what she thinks is HR's reflection, and spins around. Turns out it's actually Harry, who the Gang somehow transported from Earth-2 without Cisco's help. She's disappointed of course that he's not the HR she knew, and says she's not helping Savitar. Harry gives her a Patented The CW Pep Talk™, telling her not to be such a Gloomy Gus and that it's what HR would have wanted.

Suddenly an alarm sounds, and Barry sees that Savitar somehow left the Philosopher's Stone in a lab and it's "rigged to go off," whatever that means. He and Wally zip everyone out of the building seconds before a comically cliched giant blue laser shoots through the roof and high into the sky.

Back at Savitar's lair, Cisco says he's done modifying the Speed Force Bazooka. To no one's surprise, Savitar then orders Killer Frost to kill Cisco. She fires a barrage of deadly icicles at him, but he's saved by the timely appearance of Gypsy, who tackles him and vibes him to safety.

Savitar and Killer Frost then take a trip to a park, where he zooms around in a circle and opens up a Speed Force portal (which is different from an Earth-2 portal) so he can begin his ascension into godhood. He says the Speed Force doesn't like it when speedsters mess with time, and right on cue, the Black Flash exits the portal and zooms toward Savitar. Killer Frost nonchalantly freezes Black Flash solid and he shatters.

Savitar then stands in front of the portal, as Killer Frost shoots him with the modified Speed Force Bazooka to fragment him across time. It begins to work, until suddenly Savitar's knocked over by a superfast figure. It turns out to be Jay Garrick, the Flash of Earth-3, who's now been freed from his "prison" inside the Speed Force.

Just then Barry, Wally, Cisco and Gypsy show up to take on Savitar and Killer Frost. Savitar zooms away, with the speedsters (including Jay) in hot pursuit. Cisco and Gypsy battle Killer Frost. They manage to defeat her, and Cisco tosses her the serum that will turn her back into Caitlin Snow (Um... where'd he get that?).

Savitar outmaneuvers the others and returns to the park. He picks up Cisco and is about to kill him, when he's blasted by Killer Frost, who I guess has decided not to be semi evil. 

Barry returns to the park well, and Savitar tells him he's going to kill Joe, Iris (for real this time) and Wally. Barry then leaps at Savitar, phasing into his armor and throwing him out of it, which I have to admit was pretty darned cool. For some reason the Savitar armor turns red with Barry inside it.

Barry extends a blade and looks like he's about to execute Future Barry, who hisses at him to just do it already. Barry begins vibrating and shatters the Savitar suit from the inside, and walks away from the now-beaten Future Barry. Suddenly Future Barry screams and runs toward Present Barry, intending to kill him. A gunshot rings out...

Future Barry falls dead to the ground, as we see Iris was the one who shot him. That was easy! She says that for months Barry tried to save her, but in the end she saved him.

Cut to the Gang at HR's funeral, as they all say a few words over his grave. Barry tells Cisco what HR told him as he died: "Tell Cisco this took strength, and he gave it to me." Barry sees Killer Frost lurking behind a tree, watching the funeral. He, Cisco and Julian approach her. She gives them back the serum, saying she's not going to take it. She says she's no longer Killer Frost, but she's not Caitlin either, and needs time to figure out just who and what she is.

After the funeral, Barry and Iris relax at their place, discussing their wedding plans. Suddenly a series of tremors strike, as violent lightning stabs down at Central City. They return to the ruins of STAR Labs, and determine that the disturbance is being caused by the Speed Force. It requires a speedster to maintain its balance, and once Jay exited, it became unstable.

A Speed Force portal opens in the center of town, and what appears to be Barry's mother walks out of it. She tells Barry to come with her. He tells the others it's time for him to pay for altering time and creating Flashpoint. He says goodbye to everyone and walks into the portal. It disappears and the lightning stops.

Thoughts:
• The past few weeks I've commented on how difficult it is to write a logical time travel episode, one that's not riddled with inconsistencies, paradoxes and plot holes.

This episode is no different, but credit where credit's due— at least its blunders are consistent with what's gone before. 

When HR saves Iris by switching places with her, this prevents Savitar from ever being created. Instead of Savitar simply winking out of existence like you'd expect though, it takes a while for the paradox to catch up to him. 

This is the same way we've seen time travel work over on Legends Of Tomorrow. There, Rip Hunter tells his teammates that they have a bit of latitude when trying to change the past or future, because the timeline "takes a while to harden."

So while Savitar sticking around for a while after being "uncreated" doesn't make any sense, at least it's consistent with what's gone before.

• The first time we saw HR's transmogrifier in action, it simply altered his face. Last week when Barry borrowed it, it transformed his entire body to make him resemble Lyla Michaels of ARGUS. Now this week we find out it can somehow cause two people to swap appearances, even when only one of them is actually holding the device.

BOO! Bad form, writers! You can't keep adding new functions to sci-fi tech like this every week as the script demands! How are we ever supposed to know what a device is capable of if you keep changing its rules? It's as bad as the sonic screwdriver on Doctor Who!

• Future Barry actually calls his headquarters his "lair!"

• I guess speedsters really do heal faster than a normal person. Last week Savitar gave Wally a severe beatdown, even appearing to break his leg. Poor Wally was even bedridden at the end of the episode.

In this week's episode (which takes place immediately after the previous one), he's up and around with nary a bruise to be seen!

• I wasn't a fan of the scene in which Barry tries to redeem Future Barry as it came out of nowhere and seemed completely unrealistic. He's been an evil, unrepentant bastard all season, and then suddenly after one heartfelt chat with Barry he's willing to try to be good? Feh!

The only reason this scene existed is because they needed to pad out the runtime a bit.

• Seems like the writers momentarily forgot that Savitar automatically remembers ANYTHING that Present Barry thinks or does.

At one point Barry and Iris sit in the Time Room and ponder what to do about Savitar. Iris asks Barry what he's going to do. Barry says, "The last thing he'd expect."

Cut to an abandoned warehouse, where Barry waits. Suddenly Savitar shows up. Barry says, "I wasn't sure you'd come... so you remember coming here."

Um... why is Barry so surprised that Savitar remembers meeting him in the warehouse? Does he really think that "doing the last thing he'd expect" could possibly work? It doesn't matter what Barry does. He can zig instead of zagging all he wants, but it's all ancient history to Savitar. Do the writers not understand this?

Then a bit later Barry brings Savitar to STAR Labs to "help" him somehow. Savitar's very uncomfortable, and really does seem like this is something he didn't expect the Gang to do. Again, this is not possible. From Savitar's point of view, ANYTHING Barry or the others do has already happened. There cannot be any surprises.

• Is murder not a crime in the Arrowverse? When the Gang tries to talk him into being good, he says he murdered people. Iris says, "And you are going to have to live with that. But we won't give up on you, okay? That is not what we do." 

Really? That's it? Just living with it? What about, oh, I don't know, throwing his ass in prison for first degree murder?

• I don't think I've mentioned Future Barry's makeup since he first appeared. Um... yeah. It ain't good. 

Maybe they didn't wanna get too graphic in prime time, but his scar looks reeeeeally cartoonish. It's much more Freddie Krueger than what a real burn scar looks like.

Early in the episode Cisco mocks Future Barry, saying his face looks like a thin crust pizza. That's a pretty apt comparison, as it actually does look more like a pizza than damaged skin. The milky contact lens is a nice touch, but the overall look is one big fail.

By the way, did they ever explain how Future Barry got his facial scar? A couple weeks ago in I Know Who You Are, Tracy mentioned that Savitar's armor protected him from the massive heat generated when he ran at super-superspeed. 

Is that what happened to him? Did he run so incredibly fast he literally burned his face?

• In Cause And Effect, Barry discovers that Savitar is a future time remnant of himself. They then have the following chat:

Savitar: "God feels no pain. All I had to do was become one. And I only need two more things— for Iris to die so that you are driven so far into the dark that I can be born."
Barry: "And the other?"
Savitar: "It may sound ironic given who I'm talking to, but I'll keep that one to myself."

Um... so what was the mysterious other thing Savitar was keeping to himself? Was it the Speed Force Bazooka, that he meant to use to fragment himself across time? Or was it something else and the writers just forgot about it?
• Somehow the Gang brings Harry to Earth-1 without Cisco's help to open a breach.

OK, I honestly can't remember any more— can Barry open breaches to other Earths by himself? I thought only Cisco could do that?

• Glad to see the return of Harry this week. He's been the best version of Wells so far, and I hope he sticks around next season. Why not? Now that Jesse's living on Earth-3 he's got nothing to keep him on Earth-2.

By the way, here's how great an actor Tom Cavanaugh is. After HR was killed I thought, "Gosh, that's too bad that the actor who plays him just lost his job!" It took me a minute or so to remember that Cavanaugh's still on the show, playing Harry! He really did make HR seem like a completely different person.

• Speaking of HR, remember earlier in the season when there were multiple occasions where his actions seemed borderline sinister? We'd see him lurking in the shadows, or eavesdropping on conversations with an ominous look on his face. For a while it honestly thought like he had some sort of dark secret, and could turn on the Gang any second.

So what the hell was that all about? Was it a red herring to make us think he might be Savitar? Or was there going to be an Evil HR subplot and the writers ended up abandoning it?

• Everyone who didn't foresee Cisco double-crossing Savitar by futzing with the Speed Force Bazooka, stand on their head.

• When Killer Frost attacks Cisco, why does he need Gypsy to save him by vibing him away? Other than to give Gypsy and excuse to appear on the show again, that is. Couldn't he have escaped by opening a portal by himself?

I think maybe he needs his special glasses to do that, and Savitar took 'em away from him? I swear I've seen him vibe without them though, so who knows?

• Nice to see our old friend the Blue Laser getting work!

So is STAR Labs destroyed for good? The outside looked OK, but the Cortex was definitely trashed. Will the Gang have to find a new HQ next season? 

• When Savitar opens a portal to the Speed Force, the Black Flash emerges and makes a beeline for him. Killer Frost freezes him and he shatters into a million pieces. 

Well that was certainly easy! Eobard Thawne spent most of Season 2 of Legends Of Tomorrow running from the Black Flash, implying he was an inexorable and unstoppable force of nature. And then Killer Frost dispatches him without breaking a sweat. Too bad Thawne didn't have her number!

• After Cisco defeats Killer Frost, he tosses her Julian's serum and says it'll cure her. 

Where the heck did Cisco get that? Julian unveiled it at STAR Labs AFTER Cisco was captured by Savitar. I guess maybe Barry took the serum with him to the park and handed it to Cisco while we weren't looking?

• The scene in which Barry phases into Savitar's armor and shove him out of it was pretty darned awesome!

As were the scenes in which Barry was then wearing it (Barritar?)

Was there any reason though why Barry turned the armor red? Other than because it looked cool, and to differentiate it from Savitar?

• At one point Cisco calls Savitar "Two-Face." How does Cisco know that name? Does that mean Batman exists somewhere in the Arrowverse? Or are do they just have Batman movies there?

• I guess after they inscribed the Mark Twain quote on HR's sleek, ultramodern tombstone, they didn't have room for his birth and death dates?

• Late in the episode, Cisco actually says, "Hey, Wally, can you reverse the polarity on the neutron flow?"

This is of course a shoutout to Doctor Who. For some reason the technobabble phrase has become associated with the Third Doctor, even though he only said it twice during his tenure on the show! He said it once in 1972's The Sea Devils, and again in 1983's The Five Doctors, which was the 20th Anniversary Special.

The Third Doctor would often use a shortened version of the phrase, saying, "Reverse the polarity," so maybe that's how the whole thing started.

• After Savitar's defeated, Barry and Iris relax at home. Suddenly their apartment is struck by a powerful quake. Iris is gobsmacked, declaring, "There's never been an earthquake in Central City!"

Sorry, Iris. According to the U.S. Geological Survey's Earthquake Information Center, EVERY state in the U.S. has experienced an earthquake of some magnitude at one point or another. The USGU does list Florida and North Dakota as the two states with the fewest earthquakes though.

Once again, I am not a seismic geologist. I found this out with literally fifteen seconds of googling.

• When the crazy lightning appears over Central City, the Gang gathers back in the ruins of STAR Labs. Cisco manages to get some their equipment up and running to analyze what's going on. He spots a large portal in the center of town, and says, "Holy plutonium! What even emits that many kilojoules?"

Sigh... Again with the joules!

A couple weeks ago in Cause And Effect, Tracy unveiled the Speed Force Bazooka, and said it needed 3.86 terajoules of energy to function. This greatly impressed Cisco, who said, "That's more energy than in the sun!" That statement was woefully wrong, but never mind that now.A joule is described as "the work required to produce one watt of power for one second." A terajoule is equal to ONE TRILLION joules. A kilojoule however, is equal to one thousand joules.

Why is Cisco so impressed by something that's literally a million times LESS than a terajoule?

• At the end of the episode the Gang discovers the Speed Force is unbalanced, and needs a speedster inside it to restore order.

For a brief second I honestly expected Jay to volunteer to return to the Speed Force instead of Barry.

• I guess as of this episode Savitar's prophecy is now complete. Way back in The Present, Savitar (through Julian) said, “I know your destinies. One shall betray you. One shall fall. One will suffer a fate far worse than death. This is the knowledge I have for you about your everlasting damnation.”

So how'd he do? Caitlin is obviously the one who betrayed the Gang. HR was the one who fell. And based on the end of this episode, Barry's the one who suffered a fate far worse than death, as he became trapped in the Speed Force.

• This Week's Best Lines:
Savitar:"Fix this."
Cisco:"Fix what? The Speed Force bazooka? Hey, I didn't name it. If I didn't name it, I didn't make it. And if I didn't make it, I don't know how it works."
Savitar:"Oh, you know enough about it to alter what it does."
Cisco: "Oh, I see. You want me to alter it. Well, what do you want me to alter it into? Like, a hair dryer? Or a waffle maker? Oh, I know. Maybe something that's gonna fix that thin-crust pizza you call a face?"

Savitar: "Get to work, Francesco."
Cisco:"How about I sit on my ass and let you obliterate permanently from existence? How's that sound?"

Barry:"Are you still planning on becoming a god?"
(I included this line because it makes me laugh)

Savitar:"So how's this gonna work? Where will I live?"
Barry:"What do you mean?"
Savitar:"Are Wally and I gonna be bunk-mates? Am I supposed to just rejoin Team Flash, fight some Rogues? What kind of life were you thinking I'd lead?"
Barry: "I hadn't gotten that far yet."

Iris:"He wasn't a genius, and he didn't have super speed. But when we needed him the most, he was our hero. He was my hero."
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He Has The Kevorka!

May 30, 2017, 1:43 pm
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I was in Target last night and saw this:

Attention all Seinfeld cosplayers! Target is now selling Official Cosmo Kramer™ jackets, just like the one Michael Richards wore throughout the series' run!

Hurry on over to Target now and pick up your Kramer jacket for Halloween, or if you just want to be as successful with the ladies as Cosmo!

I'll be scanning Target in the coming months, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Puffy Shirt, the Beltless Raincoat, the Urban Sombrero and the Cashmere Sweater With A Dot on it!
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 7: The Pyramid At The End Of The World

May 30, 2017, 1:47 pm
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The Monks return this week on Doctor Who, in the second part of a three episode story arc.

I didn't much care for Extremis (the first part of this arc), as it was basically just setup for Parts 2 and 3. In fact, with just the smallest of tweaks, they could have easily started the arc with this episode, and eliminated Part 1 altogether. I'm assuming they wrote it the way they did to pad out the season a bit.

If the desert setting and alien threat in this episode feels a bit familiar, that's because it was written by Peter Harness and showrunner Steven Moffat, who gave us Season 9's The Zygon Invasion and The Zygon Inversion. Those episodes even took place in Turmezistan, the same fictional Middle Eastern nation featured in this episode!

Amazingly, Peter Harness was also the culprit responsible for "writing" Season 8's Kill The Moon (aka The One Where The Moon Is A Giant Space Dragon Egg) which will go down in TV history as the all-time WORST episode ever of Doctor Who. An episode so monumentally bad that I (and other fans as well) have chosen to pretend it doesn't even exist!

It's probably too early to tell yet, but the preview for next week's episode looks very similar to The Sound Of Drums/Last Of The Time Lords, which featured a world which was ruled by the Master. We'll see.

Lastly, a few days before this episode aired there was a horrific terrorist attack at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England, in which twenty two fans sadly died. Supposedly the BBC made a small edit to this episode, excising a line in which Bill says the word "terrorism."

Whew! Crisis averted! The BBC came thissss close to broadcasting an unpleasant word over the airwaves!

Jesus Jetskiing Christ! Look, my heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims of this attack. But does anyone really think that hearing the word "terrorism" on TV could possibly make them feel any worse than they already do? 

I thought it was just America that lived in a politically-correct Hellscape full of jittery, delicate snowflakes that collapse on their fainting couches when they're triggered by mean old words, but apparently the phenomenon has spread into Britain as well.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Bill goes on a date with Penny, the woman she met in the virtual world last week. She recklessly tells Penny everything about the Doctor, including the fact that he's an alien. Bill also tells Penny about their simulated date, which was interrupted by the Pope. Just then their real date is interrupted by armed soldiers, as the Secretary-General Of The United Nations bursts in. Penny realizes everything Bill said was true and politely excuses herself.

The Secretary informs Bill that the Doctor's the President Of Earth in times of planetary crisis, and they need her help to contact him.

Cut to a plane, where the Secretary explains to Bill that a five thousand year old pyramid suddenly appeared overnight in the fictional country of Turmezistan, an area disputed by American, Russian and Chinese forces. The Secretary's afraid that if something's not done soon, World War III could break out.

Meanwhile, the Doctor soliloquizes inside the TARDIS. Bill tries to enter, but the door's locked. She yells through the door to the Doctor that the UN urgently needs him in Turmezistan. The Doctor says nothing doing, and Bill says they won't take no for an answer.

The Doctor (who's still blind, but can sort of see with the help of his sonic sunglasses) pokes his head out the door of the TARDIS and "sees" it's inside the Secretary's plane. Somehow the army removed the door of his office and transported the TARDIS into the plane without the Doctor noticing.

Cut to Agrofuel Research Operations, in a seemingly unrelated subplot. Two employees, Erica and Douglas, are working on some kind of genetically modified crops or growth potion or something. Erica broke her glasses earlier that morning, and asks Douglas to conduct the day's experiment. Because he's a drunken idiot, he types "118.9" instead of "11.89," and injects too much of a dangerous enzyme into the experiment. This creates a deadly bacterium or something that liquefies all organic matter. Nice to know the fate of the world depends on a single decimal place.

The Doctor and Co. land in Turmezistan. They gape in awe at the pyramid, which the Doctor assumes is alien in origin. He walks up to it and a door opens, as one of the red-robed Monks from the simulation appears. The Doctor asks what the Monks want, and it states that they intend to conquer the planet and its people. The Doctor says he'll stop them, but the Monk says they'll be "invited," and will be asked to rule. It scuttles back into the pyramid.

Suddenly everyone's watches and phones flash 11: 57. The Doctor notes that this is a signal from the Monks— it's the Doomsday Clock, and the closer it gets to midnight, the bigger the threat of global catastrophe.

The Doctor then uses the TARDIS to kidnap the leaders of the Russian and Chinese armies. He brings them onboard his plane so they, along with the American Colonel, can work together to defeat the Monks. Amazingly, the Doctor suggests they combine their forces and attack the pyramid. Bill's surprised at the Doctor's violent solution, but he says the Monks didn't come in peace, and they need to strike back while they can.

An American bomber flies toward the pyramid, but the Monks catch it in a tractor beam and lower it to the ground, along with a Russian sub (I guess China sat out the attack?). Everyone's clocks move to 11:58.

The Doctor, Bill, Nardole and the Colonels then enter the pyramid to meet with the Monks. They find them in a chamber, "weaving" Earth's future by twisting glowing tendrils hanging from a machine. The Head Monk says they're "modeling the future," whatever that means, and they detect that a catastrophe is coming. The Monk says they can save the Earth, but they have to be asked.

The Monks invites everyone to take hold of a glowing strand to see what's coming. As they do, they see a vision of a dead, lifeless Earth. The Doctor wonders why the Monks have to be asked when they could just save the Earth themselves. Everyone's phones move to 11:59. The Doctor asks again why the Monks have to be invited, and they reply that they must be wanted and loved, as ruling through fear is "inefficient."

The Doctor warns the others against giving consent, as there will surely be conditions and consequences. The Secretary's so rattled by the future vision that he doesn't listen, and gives his consent. The Monk places his hand on the Secretary and disintegrates him into dust, saying he gave consent out of fear instead of love. Everyone runs the hell out of the pyramid.

Back in the plane, the Doctor realizes the pyramid is a decoy, to focus their attention away from something else. He has the others search the internet for biological threats. Nardole finds several labs that are performing bacterial experiments, and the Doctor narrows it down by finding out which one the Monks are watching. It's Agrofuel.

The Doctor and Nardole travel to Agrofuel in the TARDIS, surprising Erica. She and the Doctor discover that Douglas' mistake has created a deadly bacterium capable of liquefying all life (including Douglas!). Erica says that the building's automatic systems will vent the bacterium into the air in twenty minutes, which will cause the catastrophe the Monks foresaw (Yeah, no. That's not how labs work). Erica's safe from the strain, as she's wearing a hazmat suit, and the Doctor's confident he's immune. He tells Nardole, who's not wearing any kind of protection to get back to the TARDIS, unaware that he's already infected.

Meanwhile the Colonels go against the Doctor's orders and head toward the pyramid to surrender to the Monks. Once again the Monks disintegrate them, as they gave their consent out of strategy instead of love.

Back in the lab, the Doctor cobbles together a makeshift bomb to incinerate the bacteria before it can be released into the air. He sets the timer and tries to exit the lab, but finds the airlock door is, um, locked. Erica gives him the combination for the weirdo cylinder lock to the door, but unfortunately he can't see it, being blind and all. He tries to sonic the lock, but since it's a plot-convenient device, it doesn't work on the door. He calls Nardole, but he's passed out inside the TARDIS.

He contacts Bill and finally admits to her that he's blind. When Bill hears this she says she's making an "Executive Decision" and goes to the Monks. She tells them she'll give consent, on the condition they restore the Doctor's sight. They see that her consent comes from love, and agree. 

The Doctor suddenly regains his sight, enters the combination and escapes the labs a second before it explodes. The Monks then tell the Doctor, "Enjoy your sight. Now see OUR world!"

Thoughts:
• Last week the simulated Doctor and Bill found themselves in the virtual world's Oval Office.

While there, Bill saw a man slumped dead in a chair and asked if he was the President. I noted that the man clearly had a head of jet black hair, and said I was jealous that the America in the Whoniverse didn't have an petulant orange buffoon for a leader like we do here in the real world.

This week the Secretary-General Of The UN arrives in Bill's flat and says he needs her help contacting the President. Bill thinks he means the U.S. President, and says, "How would I know the President? I wouldn't even have voted for him, he's orange!"

This implies that Donald Trump is indeed the president in the Whoniverse. So who the hell was the dead guy in the chair last week?

• The Doctor was unanimously elected "President Of Earth" back in 2014's Death in Heaven.

• The Doctor exits the TARDIS and sees it's inside the Secretary's plane.

Apparently the UN had to tear out the entire side of the Doctor's university office to remove the TARDIS. Then they SOMEHOW managed to fit it inside a cramped airliner, even though it appears to be taller than the plane's ceiling. Got it.

And how the hell did the Doctor not feel the TARDIS being picked up and transported into the plane? We've seen many times before that outside forces can rock the interior. I guess he was really deep in meditation and didn't notice?

• The interior of the Secretary's command plane has an unusual feature: gigantic air vents that are almost big enough to crawl through! Is that really a thing? I'm gonna bet not.

• Since the Doctor's still blind, he's wearing his sonic sunglasses, which give him rudimentary vision. They also provide him with basic stats of the people around him, such as gender and age.

It's hard to see here, but according to the glasses, Nardole (who's represented by the green box at left) is two hundred thirty seven years old!

• The pyramid plops itself down in the fictional country of Turmezistan. If that location sounds familiar to you, it's because it's appeared on the show before, in 2015's The Zygon Invasion. Maybe the show's trying to be consistent with its fake nations?

• After arriving in Turmezistan, the Doctor's introduced to the leaders of the three armies disputing the area— Colonel Brabbit of America, General Ilya of Russia and General Xiaolian of China. 

Note that Xiaolian is female. Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure the Chinese government would never put a woman in charge of their military.

I don't have a problem with diversity— I really don't. But I can't stand diversity for diversity's sake. It needs to make sense, and not be tossed in just to appease the SJWs in the audience.

• What happened to UNIT? Why aren't they present at this crisis? Isn't protecting Earth from alien invasion kind of their charter?

• After the Doctor speaks with the Monks, everyone's phones and watches flash "11:57." The Doctor notes this is the Doomsday Clock, which he says was created by atomic scientists in 1947 to monitor how close the planet is to global catastrophe.

And he's exactly right! It was started by members of The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientist's Science And Security Board in 1947. Well done, writers!

• Eh, I dunno... somehow the Monks don't look quite as creepy in the cold light of day. Keep 'em in the shadows, guys!

• The Blue Laser Stabbing Up Into The Sky has been popping up in a LOT of superhero movies and TV shows lately. So it's always nice to see its lesser known cousin, the Yellow Laser Stabbing Up Into The Sky, get a bit of work.

• Apparently the budget must have been a bit stretched this week. We see an American Air Force bomber try to attack the Monk's pyramid, only to be captured by a tractor beam and slowly lowered to the ground.

A few seconds later the Monks capture a Russian sub and plop it into the sand as well. However, instead of actually seeing this happen, we just get a shot of all the characters WATCHING this happen. Those CGI effects ain't cheap!

• Apparently the Monks are big fans of Avatar, and reeeeeally liked the Tree Of Souls in that film.

• I'm a bit fuzzy on the Monks' plan here. Obviously they want to rule a living world and not a dead one, or else they'd just sit back and wait for the bacterium to wipe out the planet. But they won't save our world unless we ask them nicely, because a race that consents to subjugation is less likely to rebel than one that's conquered.

OK, that makes sense I guess. 

The problem I have with their plan is the whole "consent" thing. What if no one gave consent. Would the Monks then stand by and watch while the world they studied for so long just up and died? Would they really not lift a finger to save us if we didn't ask?

• When we first meet Erica, she props open the door to her flat with her purse so she won't be locked out while carrying in bags of groceries. This causes the door to smash her glasses inside her purse, which starts a chain of events resulting in the end of all life on Earth (!).

Um... why the hell does Erica prop open the door in the first place? She's clearly holding her keys in her hand as she walks out to her car. If the door closes, so what? She can't be locked out, as she's got the keys with her. Set the bags down, unlock the door and go on with her life.

• It's amazing how one misplaced decimal point (118.9 instead of 11.89) could potentially destroy the entire world. Too bad Agrofuel didn't spring for some kind of override system to prevent an obvious and fatal error like this. You'd think they'd at least have a "Are You Sure You Want To Inject This Amount?" screen pop up.

• The Agrofuel scenes in this episode are a goldmine of stupidity and unrealism. The "scientists" do everything wrong at every possible juncture, just so the bacterium can escape and the plot can happen.

The Agrofuel experiments are contained behind two airlock doors, which is good. But then Erica says the lab automatically vents the air from the lab into the atmosphere without sterilizing it first! And if that wasn't enough, it's an automatic process that can't be shut down! WRONG! If there's no way to neutralize outgoing air, then they might as well not bother with the airlocks in the first place!

Douglas also removes the hood of his biohazard suit inside the lab (!), because he didn't want to throw up in it. Yeah, no one would ever do that either, no matter how sick they were. Is it any wonder he was liquefied?

Erica's not much better, as she grabs a sample of the bacterium and takes it through the first airlock to examine it. This contaminates the area between the first and second airlocks, which ain't good. Later the Doctor and Nardole go through the second airlock and enter the lab with Erica, sans hazmat suits. Nardole then goes back to the TARDIS without decontaminating himself, meaning he just released the bacterium into the air! Thanks a lot, Nardole!

• By the way, someone did their homework in this episode. It's hard to see, but in the image above, the canister on the right is labeled "R. planticola." 

That's actually a real bacterial substance! Back in the 1990s, Raoutella planticola was the subject of a genetic engineering experiment, to try and find a substance that could break down plant matter into ethanol. When tested inside a lab, it was discovered that R. planticola caused mass plant death from excessive ethanol production 

Some scientists speculated that if the bacterium had escaped the lab, it could have caused worldwide plant death!

So the writers didn't just pull a fictionathreat out of their asses, they based the episode on actual science. Well done!

• So the Doctor is President Of Earth, but the three army leaders willfully ignore his orders and do whatever the hell they want, including surrendering the planet to the Monks. Does that sound right?

• If Agrofuel had used a lock with a normal, everyday keypad like a normal, everyday human company, then the Doctor would have been able to operate it by touch, and Bill wouldn't have had to make a deal with the devil, er, Monks and subjugate Earth.

Instead they used this clunky, cartoonish prop from The Price Is Right to secure their doors and ensure the Doctor wouldn't be able to operate it.

This is what's called a "plot contrivance," kids!

• At the end of the episode, Bill gives consent to the Monks to save the Doctor. She's not atomized because her consent "comes from love."

The Monks clearly state earlier in the episode that they must be loved before they'll save the planet. Her love is obviously for the Doctor here, not them. So why do they give her a pass and not disintegrate her?

• The Monks have run numerous simulations in their perfect replica of our world, and presumably know every possible outcome. So why the hell would they give the Doctor his sight back, and make it easier for him to defeat them?

• This Week's Best Lines:
Secretary: (to Bill) "I have flown here today to speak to the President. I am told you might be able to help."
Bill:"I don't know the President. How would I know the President? I wouldn't even have voted for him, he's orange!"

The Doctor: (discovering his TARDIS is now in the Secretary's plane) "How did they get it out of my office? The windows aren't big enough."
Colonel: "Oh... they are now."

The Doctor: "Last I heard, you were on a date with Penny. What happened?"
Bill: "The United Nations Secretary-General."
The Doctor:"Awesome."
Bill: "No, that wasn't a metaphor."
The Doctor: "Good, because I really wasn't following it."

The Doctor:"So what it's doing, Colonel, is sending us a message."
Colonel:"What message?"
The Doctor: "Bring it."
(Is this a reference to George W. Bush's 2003 taunt to Iraqi insurgents, in which he famously said, "Bring it on?")

Monk: "We know you."
The Doctor: "Then you'll know that there is a line in the sand, and I'm the man on the other side of it. You want to keep me that way."
Monk: "We will take this planet and its people."
The Doctor: "You will be prevented. You will be fought."
Monk: "We will be invited. We will take this world. We will rule its people. But only when we're asked. We will talk again."
The Doctor: "When?"
Monk: "At the end of the Earth."

The Doctor: (after kidnapping the Russian General) "Now, this is the Secretary-General of the UN. I am the President of the world. And this is Xiaolian, she's in charge of the Chinese army. Say hi to each other. Now, we've been having a bit of chat. The thing is, World War Three what do you think? Basically, we're against it."
(That is definitely the Fourth Doctor speaking right there! I can just hear that line being said by Tom Baker!)

Bill: "I mean, this is a trap, right?"
The Doctor: "Possibly. Probably."
Bill: "And we're just walking into it."
The Doctor: "Well, every trap you walk into is a chance to learn about your enemies."

Monk: "We can detect when a catastrophe is about to occur."
The Doctor: "And?"
Monk: "Stop it from occurring."
Colonel: "You don't look much like guardian angels."
Monk: "We have chosen this form to look like you."
Colonel: "You look like corpses."
Monk: "You are corpses to us. Your world is ending."

The Doctor: (to the Monks) "Planet Earth does not consent to your help, your presence, or your conquest. Thank you for playing the big pyramid game, bye-bye, see you again next week, hopefully not."

Monk: "Without our help, Planet Earth is doomed."
The Doctor: "Yes, well, it's been doomed before. Guess what happened? Me!"

Erica:"Oh, my God!"
The Doctor: "No, I'm the Doctor, but it's an easy mistake to make. The eyebrows."

The Doctor:"Back to the TARDIS, this place is toxic."
Nardole:"I'm not human."
The Doctor: "You're human enough. I got your lungs cheap."
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Search

Eyes Of The Tiger

May 31, 2017, 8:17 am
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Whoops! Looks like celebrity golfer Tiger Woods had another little brush with the law yesterday, as he was found asleep at the wheel of his Mercedes, which inexplicably had two flat tires. Hey, we've all been there, right?

Anyhoo, after seeing Tiger's newest mugshot, it struck me that he looks very much like a character I would draw! Same world-weary expression and soulless dead eyes and everything!
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It Came From The Cineplex: Free Fire

May 31, 2017, 8:19 am
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I've gotten a bit behind on movie reviews here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, so I'm gonna try and get caught up in the next few days. I saw this movie several weeks ago and it's long gone from theaters, but I sat through the goddamned thing so you're all gonna share my pain!

Free Fire was written by Amy Jump and Ben Wheatley, and directed by Ben Wheatley.

Jump previously wrote High-Rise, while Wheatley wrote Down Terrace. The two of them collaborated on Kill List and A Field In England.

Wheatley previously directed Down Terrace, Kill List, Sightseers, A Field In England and High-Rise. He also directed two episodes of Doctor Who: Deep Breath and Into The Dalek.

Free Fire asks the cinematic question, "Is It Possible To Film A Movie That's Basically A Ninety Minute-Long Shootout?" The answer is yes. Yes it is. Although I'm not sure just why anyone would want to.

Actually I'm exaggerating a bit here. The film clocks in at ninety minutes, but the action doesn't begin until the twenty eight minute mark, so the shootout lasts for sixty two minutes. The action plays out pretty much in real time, in a single location.

Take the violence of Reservoir Dogs, toss in characters from a Guy Ritchie film and cross it all with a Looney Tunes cartoon and you'll have an idea what this film's like. If the idea of  unrepentant thugs shooting one another for comedic effects piques your interest, then this is the movie for you. Otherwise you're gonna have a rough time.

It's an interesting experiment, but unfortunately there's little or no substance. The ten main characters are painted in the broadest strokes possible, as we learn little about them other than their names. The closest we get to an actual character is Vernon, but even in his case all we know is that he's a hot-headed, foul-mouthed, misogynist jerk.

Additionally, the characters are ALL remorseless assholes, giving the audience no one to root for. As a result of this, it's impossible to care about any of the characters when they're killed off, making the whole film nothing more than a cold, clinical lab experiment.

Free Fire reportedly had a budget of $7 million, which seems awfully high for a film like this. If that figure's true, most of it must have gone to the actors, with the rest being used to buy bullet squibs and fake blood.

After a month in theaters, the film could only manage to rack up an embarrassing $1.8 million dollars. Ouch! It was in 1,070 theaters too, so it's not like it only played on the indie circuit. Blame this on the film's non-existent marketing campaign. I never saw a single trailer for the film and didn't even know it was playing until the day I saw it.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
I'm gonna try something a bit different here— there're a ton of characters in this movie and they all just have common, everyday first names. This makes it virtually impossible to remember who everyone is and which side they're on. So I'm gonna color code the names to try and make it easier to remember who's on what team.

Boston, the late 1970s. Two low level thugs, Stevo and Bernie, are driving to a meeting at an abandoned warehouse. Bernie notices that Stevo's face is bruised and battered, and asks what happened. He says he was beaten the night before by the cousin of a woman he propositioned. They arrive at the warehouse, where they meet their cousins Chris (played by Cillian Murphy) and Frank, two IRA members who are looking to buy weapons and take them back to Ireland.

The group is approached by Justine (played by Brie Larson), who'll serve as the intermediary between the groups, and Ord (played by Armie Hammer) who I guess set up the meeting. Ord takes the group inside, where they meet with Vernon (played by Sharlto Copley) and his associates, Martin, Harry and Gordon. See, I told you there's a lot of names to keep track of.

Vernon unveils the weapons, and Chris complains they're not the ones they agreed on. Tensions rise until Justine calms everyone down. Chris agrees to buy the guns, and orders his group to load the cases of weapons into his van. He hands a briefcase of money to Vernon, who hands it to Martin to count.

Stevonotes that Harry (one of Vernon's men) is the one who beat him the night before, and tries to act inconspicuous. Harry notices him, and reveals that Stevo didn't "proposition" his cousin as he said, but beat her so severely she was hospitalized. Harry lashes out at him, raising tensions between the groups again. Vernon demands that Stevo apologize, and Chris orders him to do so. Stevo apologizes, but Harry doesn't think it sounds sincere. Stevo then begins bragging about what he did, and Harry shoots him in the shoulder.

All hell then breaks loose, as the two sides split up and start firing wildly inside the confines of the warehouse. Ord crouches calmly behind the van, staying out of it. EVERY member of the cast is shot at least once as they all scramble for cover. Martin, who was holding the briefcase, is shot in the head and collapses. Vernon sees the case lying in the open, and tries to force one of his men to crawl out and get it.

Bernie's shot in the back by Harry, and dies. Suddenly shots ring out from the rafters, as two snipers fire on both groups. Ord kills one of the snipers and wounds the other. He recognizes the wounded sniper as Howie, a man he knows. Howie says he was hired by someone to kill everyone in the warehouse and take the money. Just as he's about to reveal who hired him, he's shot dead by someone from Chris' group.

Chris, who flirted with Justine earlier, yells to Vernon to let her leave unharmed. He agrees, as Gordon crawls along the floor after her. More gun play erupts, as pretty much everyone is shot in the arm. leg or shoulder a few more times (!).

Suddenly everyone hears a phone ringing in an upstairs office, and they all realize they can call for backup. Chris sends Frank to the office, and Vernon crawls after him. Gordon catches up to Justine, but she manages to kill him. Another fire fight breaks out, as everyone's shot a few more times. Vernon crawls upstairs as well. Frank pours gasoline under a door and lights it, engulfing Vernon in flames. As he tries to put himself out, Frank reaches the phone and answers it, but finds it's just a recorded message saying he's won a lifetime supply of something. Vernon then kills Frank.

Martin, who was shot in the head, suddenly regains consciousness. He's out of his head though (literally!) and begins firing wildly, shooting at his own group. He yells that the snipers were working for him as he picks up the briefcase. He then keels over and dies for good this time.

Chris sneaks past Ord and Harry and crawls up to the office, where he kills Vernon. He grabs the phone to call for backup, but Ord cuts the line. Justine takes a rifle from one of the dead snipers.

Harry takes the briefcase and painfully crawls into the van, attempting to get away. Stevo sees him and begins firing at the van. Harry's hit several more times, but manages to run over Stevo's head before he dies. The fire causes the sprinklers to come on. Ord and Chris run out of ammo and call a truce, agreeing to wait for the police to arrive.

Suddenly Justine appears and shoots Ord in the head, accidentally hitting Chris as well. As he lays dying, he tells her he's sorry they didn't get to know one another and go out for a drink. Justine limps toward the exit with the money, but stops as she hears police sirens outside...

Thoughts:
• As I said above, I blame the A24 Marketing Department for this film's dismal box office performance. Apparently they couldn't afford to promote it much, and on the rare occasion when they did, they obviously didn't know how to sell it. This resulted in a horribly schizophrenic ad campaign. Is it an action movie? A dark comedy? A Guy Ritchie-esque gangster film? A Reservoir Dogs wannabe?

The trailer apparently thinks it's a zany comedy about bad people who constantly argue and comically shoot one another to make a point, and sells that concept hard. Unfortunately while there are humorous elements to the movie, it's nowhere near as wacky as the trailer suggests.

Even the poster's confused. If it wasn't for the fact that they're all pointing guns at one another, this could be a poster for a goddamned Disney movie!

• Kudos to director Ben Wheatley, who somehow figured out a way to keep a sixty two minute gunfight interesting. Wheatley expertly choreographs the shootout, alternating the frenetic action with strategically placed lulls. 

Wheatley also makes excellent use of the movie's space. Ninety eight percent of the film takes place inside an abandoned warehouse, which could have gotten old really quickly. Fortunately this doesn't happen, as the characters crawl from location to location, trying to kill one another without being hit themselves.

• The action is very cartoonish at first, as each of the characters is shot for comic effect. As the gunfight drags on though, things slowly become more realistic, as the characters have to resort to crawling, and pass out due to blood loss.

• Since the film is basically one long gunfight, I kept a running tally of how many times each character was shot before they died.

Stevo: 3
Bernie: 3
Frank: 4, possibly 5
Chris: 3

Vernon: 4 (along with many other non-ballistic injuries, including being set on fire)
Harry: 4
Gordon: 2

Ord: 3
Justine: 3
Martin: 1

I may be off by a shot or two, as it's often hard to tell if certain characters were actually hit by a bullet or just shrapnel.

• When Frank finally answers the ringing office phone, it's a recording saying he's won a lifetime supply of something (it's hard to hear what's actually being said). Did they have telemarketing calls like that in the late 1970s? Seems to me like that didn't happen until much later, but I can't remember for sure.

• After being shot a couple of times, Vernon worries that he'll bleed to death. Ord says, "Relax. It didn't even hit an artery. You're fine. You got at least an hour and a half."Vernon replies, "Eh?" and Ord says, "The Golden Hour And A Half. It's a rule."

Welp, Ord'salmost right. There's no such thing as a Golden Hour And A Half, but there is a Golden Hour. It's the period of time following a traumatic injury, during which medical treatment will have the highest rate of success and prevent death.

I'm assuming the movie stretched the Golden Hour a bit here, to explain why the characters can still be functioning (well, sort of) by the end of the ninety minute run time.

• Vernon is by far the most cartoonish character in the entire film, as he racks up injury after injury like a South African Wile E. Coyote. In addition to being shot four times, he cuts his hand on broken glass, gets tossed around by the gas explosion, is hit on the head numerous times by falling debris, and is finally set on fire! 

About the only thing that doesn't happen to him is falling off a cliff and making a small poof of dust far below...

• Martin gets shot in the head early on in the shootout, and seemingly dies. Later he suddenly springs back to life, shooting wildly at both sides as he hallucinates. He finally falls down again, for good this time.

Harry then tells everyone to stop shooting for a minute (!) so he can check to make sure Martin's really dead this time.

This "time out" scene was identical to the way kids playing "War" will call a temporary truce in order to gather more ammo. It was particularly funny seeing dangerous thugs do the same thing.

• When Harry crawls into the van and tries to escape, the 8-track player starts up, playing You Fill Up My Senses. Stevo tries to stop the van by shooting it, until Harry slowly runs over his head and bursts it like a ripe melon.

After seeing that scene, you'll never listen to John Denver the same way again!

• When the characters first enter the abandoned factory, they wonder what kind of company it was. This becomes kind of a running joke, as it's mentioned two or three times throughout the film. 

In the final minutes of the movie, the fire in the upstairs office causes the sprinklers to come on. The dying Chris then slumps against a wall, leaning against a large painted sign that ironically reads, "Watson's Umbrellas." Eh? EH? It's raining inside an umbrella factory! Get it?

Is there really such a thing as an umbrella factory? That seems like an odd product to devote an entire business to manufacturing, but what do I know?

Actually the factory space inexplicably contains carts full of broken concrete, numerous flammable gas tanks and lots of broken glass. It seems more like a machine shop or mill than a place that makes something delicate like umbrellas.

The factory contains lots of broken rock, flammable gas tanks and broken glass. It looks more like a foundry than a place that makes umbrellas.

Free Fire is a violent action movie/dark comedy, who's sole selling point is its sixty two minute gunfight that plays out in real time. Other than that there's little to the film, as its characters are all unlikable ciphers, giving the audience no one to root for. I give it a C.

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It's A Perfectly Cromulent Word

June 1, 2017, 8:49 am
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The Man From Another Place has a special message for Glorious Leader Trump.


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From The Land Down Underwater

June 1, 2017, 12:05 pm
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This week fishermen off the coast of Sydney, Australia (where else) discovered this bizarre new species of fish, some two miles below the ocean surface. The ghastly fish has a repulsive-looking orifice for a mouth, but no actual face.

C'mon, guys, you're not fooling me— that ain't no fish. Back me up here, Whovians. That's a goddamned cybermat they discovered!

Prepare for deletion!
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Article 1

June 1, 2017, 12:53 pm
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Last week Fox released a trailer promoting Seth MacFarlane's latest TV series, The Orville.

The one hour, live action series (a first for MacFarlane) is a spoof of Star Trek. It's set four hundred years in the future, and follows the adventures of Planetary Union Captain Ed Mercer and the crew of the U.S.S. Orville.

So... MacFarlane just invented Galaxy Quest. Got it.

But I cannot emphasize this enough— this IS Galaxy Quest, guys. Just look at The Orville's uniforms. They're virtually identical to the ones in the movie.

And the Orville itself is amazingly similar to the NSEA Protector fromGalaxy Quest.

There's nothing wrong with doing a show like this, despite the fact that it's already been done literally a thousand times before. The series certainly looks slick and polished, and I have to admit I was a bit intrigued by the trailer, despite its unoriginality.

Plus MacFarlane's a huge Star Trek fan, so it looks like the series will be gently poking fun at the concept and not laughing at it, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

But you can only milk a parody for so long before the jokes become stale or you run out of material, whichever comes first. That's why Galaxy Quest made a good standalone film instead of a series. Eventually such a concept has to stand on its own, and I worry The Orville may not be able to do that. This is the same guy who wrote and directed A Million Ways To Die In The West, after all.

On the other hand, MacFarlane was the executive producer of Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey a few years ago, proving there's more to him than just fart and poop jokes. So who knows which way The Orville will go? 

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The day after The Orville trailer dropped, CBS finally, at long, long LONG, last, released a preview of their troubled Star Trek: Discovery series.

The series was supposed to premiere in 2016, which was the 50th Anniversary of the original Star Trek series. Unfortunately there've been numerous problems and setbacks with the show, delaying it for well over and year, and there's STILL no firm premiere date in sight. I'm not gonna get into the various reasons for the delay here, as it would take fifty thousand words to adequately list them all. You can google it if you're really interested.

Trek fans (including myself) were less than impressed with the trailer. Discovery is yet another prequel series (like Enterprise), set just ten years before Kirk and Spock's era.

That means the new series takes place during Captain Pike's time.

Do these people look like they could ever possibly exist in the same period as Pike & crew?

And this is supposedly a Klingon from Discovery. Um... that ain't a Klingon— from the Original or Spin-Off series. I don't know what the hell that is.

It's patently obvious that CBS lied when they assured fans that this new show would be set in the Original Series timeline. It looks more like a prequel to the JJ Abrams' reboot films, which is gonna royally piss off the fans of the Original Series.

And to make matters worse (and even more confusing), some industry insiders claim that Discovery is set in a THIRD timeline that's independent from the Original Series and the Abramsverse!

It's sad, but this series is starting to make The Orville look better all the time!

There's something really, really wrong when a parody series like The Orville looks more like Star Trek than the new Star Trek series does!
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An Open Letter To Mr. Donald J. Trump On The Eve Of His Decision To Pull Out Of The Paris Climate Agreement

June 1, 2017, 6:50 pm
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WARNING! Unapologetic, R-rated rant ahead. Turn back now if naughty words give you the vapors.

I've said it before and I'll keep saying it until the day the Secret Police haul me away: Fuck you, Donald Trump.

Today Glorious Leader informed the world that the United States is pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement, an incredibly stupid, short-sighted and dangerous action.

Trumpy's actions will cause America to lose out on hundreds of thousands of jobs and millions of dollars resulting from the renewable energy industries created by the Agreement.

Why would anyone in their right mind reject the Agreement? Two reasons. 1. Because Trumenstein's cronies in the oil industry will stand to gain from the pullout, and 2. Because the Agreement was endorsed and signed by Barack Hussein Obama, and therefore must be savagely and utterly erased from the face of the Earth, no matter the cost to the American people or the nation.

Note that the U.S. is only one of THREE countries that refused to sign the Agreement. Nicaragua didn't sign because they didn't think it was tough enough (!), and Syria's a little busy right now with that pesky little civil war kerfuffle they're having.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, even fucking North Korea signed the goddamned thing! NORTH FUCKING KOREA recognizes the importance of the Agreement! Congratulations, Trump. You just made batshit insane despot Kim Jong Un look like the voice of reason. Well done, you pompous asshole of a fucktard.

As usual, Trump's reasons for pulling out of the Agreement are based on half-truths, falsehood, misinformation and outright lies. So in other words, business as usual.

You've succeeded in making America a laughing stock, and seriously weakened our position on the world stage. Congratulations on making us "great" again, you fucking horse's ass.

I have no jokes here, as I'm all out of humorous comments or funny jibes regarding the reprehensible human genital wart that is Donald Trump. All I have to say is FUCK YOU, YOU WORTHLESS ORANGE SHIT-STAIN. I loathe you with the white hot passion of a billion exploding suns. Fuck your goddamned wig that wouldn't fool a blind man, fuck your bloated puffy face, and fuck your repulsive bright orange skin. You're a goddamned national embarrassment, and the sooner you're forced to resign in humiliation and shame and live out the rest of your miserable life in a trailer park, the better off we'll all be.
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Not So Fast There, Power Rangers!

June 2, 2017, 9:20 am
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A few weeks ago I reviewed the dreadful new Power Rangers movie, noting that producer Haim Saban and Lionsgate Studios had high hopes for the film. They honestly expected the movie to be a massive hit, and were planning on leveraging it into a lucrative SIX film franchise (!).

In my review I pointed out that the film wasn't exactly burning up the box office, and I wouldn't hold my breath waiting on Power Rangers 2 - 6.

How frighteningly prescient of me. After a little over a month in theaters, the $100 million dollar film only managed to scrape up a disappointing $85 million here in the states. Ouch! Oddly enough it's done even worse overseas, where it grossed an anemic $54 million, for a worldwide total of $140 million.

Lionsgate was banking on the Chinese market to save the film, but they didn't want anything to do with it either. Power Rangers could only manage an embarrassing $3.3 million in its opening weekend in China! Double ouch! Meanwhile, Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 raked in almost $50 million in its Chinese debut!

Lionsgate's hoping the Japanese market can save the film, especially since it's based on the Super Sentai TV series there. I don't see any way that's gonna happen. Why would the Japanese go see a movie based on a pale imitation of one of their own shows?

So say goodbye to the Power Rangers Cinematic Universe!

If it sounds like I'm gloating here, it's because I am. I resented sitting through every second of this dreary film's bloated 124 minute runtime. Look, I know Power Rangers isn't Shakespeare. But it's a silly proper about superpowered teens who ride around in robotic dinosaurs. How the hell can you make an insane concept like that boring? The last thing a Power Rangers movie should ever be is dull. There's no reason Lionsgate couldn't have made a fun movie like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2.

Note that Warner Bros. had similar plans for their recent King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword film, as it was designed to be the first of a six film series as well. And just like Power Rangers, it tanked at the box office, dashing all hopes of any follow up films. 

Hey, movie studios, here's an idea for you! Instead of foolishly betting your company's future on a series with no chance in hell of ever becoming a reality, maybe make one movie and see how that goes. If it's a hit, THEN go ahead with plans for a franchise. It's simple common sense, guys.
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Umbrella Policy

June 6, 2017, 1:54 pm
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This week a skin care clinic in Vietnam found itself the subject of unwanted internet attention when it was discovered that their logo was identical to that of the Umbrella Corporation, the sinister company in the Resident Evil video games and movies. Whoops!

This is especially unfortunate, since in one of the Resident Evil movies (god knows which one), Umbrella sells a revolutionary skin care cream that's supposed to reverse aging, but actually turns users into zombies.

As you can see, the octagon symbol in the logo is exactly the same as the one in the films. 

Obviously the founder of Medicare Skin Centre never saw any of the movies, but I'm still wondering why they approved this logo in the first place. I don't get what it has to do with skin care, even in an abstract sense. Maybe they're saying their treatments protect your skin the way an umbrella does from the sun?

The only way this story could possibly get any better is if there's a Raccoon City in Vietnam!
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 8: The Lie Of The Land

June 6, 2017, 6:39 pm
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This week on Doctor Who, we finish the loose trilogy that started in Extremis and continued in The Pyramid At The End Of The World.

There are some good character moments in the episode, especially from the excellent Pearl Mackie as Bill Potts, but overall the storyline is lacking, and a sub-par ending for the trilogy.

The script tries to cram way too much into far little screen time, rushing from one scene to the next with no time for the audience to catch its breath. The episode is also riddled with contrivances, that pile up like cars on a California freeway. Sadly, the way the story's written it can't work without them.

The episode's also quite derivative, as it blatantly apes The Last Of The Time Lords, along with cribbing elements from Turn Left and even The Wedding Of River Song.

The worst part of the episode though is the Monks themselves. They're extremely weak and uninteresting villains, and I'm still not entirely sure what their plan was, other than generic world domination. They seemingly sit back and do nothing, even when the Doctor and Co. waltz right into their headquarters, bent on destroying them. 

The Monks finally make a token appearance in the third act and toss a few anemic lightning bolts and a couple soldiers, but that's pretty much it. Worst of all, when they're eventually defeated, they bugger off in silence, without so much as a "You haven't seen the last of us, Doctor!"

Lastly, a word or two about Donald J. Trump. He may have an all-time low approval rating, but our sci-fi TV series apparently can't get enough of the guy and his bizarre views on the media! Earlier this year Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. did a storyline featuring a Trumpian dystopia ruled by misinformation, and this week Doctor Who gets in on the act as well, with a similar episode all about "Fake News!" Thank Thor for Trump, I guess, else our sci-fi shows would be plotless in 2017!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin six months after the previous episode, as the Monks have taken control of Earth after Bill gave them her consent. Using subliminal mind control, they make it seem like they've been here for thousands of years, gently guiding human development. For some reason, the Doctor regularly appears on TV praising the monks, touting their benefit to humanity and reinforcing the lie.

Occasionally someone remembers the truth and is imprisoned for "memory crime." Bill's one of these people, but fortunately she's never found out or hauled off to jail. She reinforces her memory by having conversations with an imaginary, idealized version of the mother she never knew (WARNING! PLOT POINT ALERT!). She's sure the Doctor's involvement with the Monks is part of a plan to defeat them, but after six months her faith is starting to waver.

Suddenly Nardole bursts into her flat, with a lame and poorly-written explanation for how he survived the Agrofuel bacterium in the previous episode. He tells Bill that after he recovered from his illness, he went searching for the Doctor. After several months he found he's being held "on one of the old prison ships," which I guess are still a thing.

And just like that, Bill and Nardole decide to rescue the Doctor. They disguise themselves as part of a re-supply crew, and despite the fact that security on the prison ship is tight, they virtually waltz right into it. There's a tense moment as a Monk inspects the operation and actually stares right at Bill, but apparently it doesn't recognize her as the person who gave them consent.

Bill and Nardole sneak away and search the curiously empty ship until they find the Doctor in a cabin. Bill bursts in, happy to finally see her friend again. The Doctor takes a look at her and immediately calls his guards, who surround Bill and Nardole. She pleads with the Doctor to stop pretending to go along with the Monks and finally reveal his plan to defeat them. He coldly tells her there's no plan, and that he's willingly cooperating with them in order to save humanity.

Bill's so horrified by this revelation that she grabs a gun from one of the guards and shoots the Doctor several times in the chest. He falls over and his body begins to glow, as the regeneration process starts. This should of course mean absolutely nothing to Bill, who's never seen it before. Halfway through the process he stops and says "GOTCHA!" Apparently the gun was filled with blanks, and this entire scenario was cooked up to test Bill's loyalty. EVERYONE— including Nardole and the guards— are in on it. Somehow Bill restrains herself from shooting everyone with a real gun.

The Doctor then takes control of the prison ship and smashes it into a dock. Just how he managed to accomplish this, and why the Monks didn't try to stop him, is apparently none of our concern, as it's never addressed. He and Bill make a beeline for the University, where the Monks are waiting for them. Fortunately the Doctor's not headed for his office, but to the Vault below the school. I guess the Monks don't know about that?

The Doctor opens the Vault and reveals Missy imprisoned in a round Hannibal Lecter-type cell in the center of the room. She claims she had dealings with the Monks before and defeated them, and the Doctor demands to know how she did it.

Since Missy is allegedly trying to be "good," she decides to help the Doctor defeat the Monks. She can't just tell him the answer though, as she forces him to play a guessing game for the answer. Eventually the Doctor determines that the Monks beam their false history to the world through the statues of themselves they've set up in every city. The statues have a psychic link to the person who gave consent. Missy says all the Doctor has to do is find that person and render them brain dead, so the signal stops. Uh-oh.

The Doctor refuses to accept this plan, and looks for another solution. He reasons the Monks must have a machine that broadcasts their fake history hidden inside their pyramid. He says if he could hook himself up to the machine, he could send out the true history of the world to the populace, breaking the Monks' hold on them.

The Doctor, Bill, Nardole and a squad of soldiers infiltrate the pyramid in London. Inside they're attacked by the Monks, who kill several soldiers before inexplicably disappearing. The Doctor, Bill and Nardole reach the central chamber. Inside they find a lone Monk sitting in a chair, hooked up to a machine that constantly broadcasts its thoughts of fake history to the world. A series of screens on the ceiling display the lies the Monks are selling to the populace.

The Doctor grasps the Monk's head and forces his own thoughts into it. Slowly the images on the ceiling are replaced with real events, but then the Monk begins fighting back. The Doctor's thrown across the room by a massive psychic assault.

Bill tells the Doctor that even he won't survive a second attack, and says she needs to fix the problem she created. She walks up to the Monk and grabs its head. The Doctor tries to stop her, telling her she'll be killed, but it's too late. Bill is overpowered by the Monk at first, but slowly the screens begin filling with images of the fantasy version of Bill's mom. Since this version of her mother never existed, the Monks couldn't corrupt or control it, which I guess kind of makes sense if you squint.

The plan works, and the Monks' hold on the populace is broken. Humanity begins to revolt, and the Monks hightail it back to their pyramid and blast off into space.

A few weeks later, the Doctor notes that humanity doesn't remember the Monks, as they erased themselves from the public mind. He tells Bill she owes him a paper on The Mechanics Of Free Will.

Later, the Doctor sits in the vault with Missy. She sobs, saying she remembers the faces of everyone she killed.

Thoughts:
• As I predicted last week, this episode was very similar to the Season 3 finale, The Last Of The Time Lords

In that episode, the Master takes over the entire Earth and holds the Doctor captive, artificially aging him so he can't escape. Martha Jones, the Doctor's companion, wanders the Master-controlled Earth for an entire year. She tells everyone she meets about the legend of the Doctor, and encourages the public to spread the word.

Eventually she's captured and taken before the Master, who plans to kill the Doctor in front of her. As part of Martha's plan, the population of Earth sends their "good thoughts and positive energy" toward the Doctor at a predetermined time. He's then restored through the Power Of Love, which allows him to defeat the Master and reset time so the past year never happened.

Sounds familiar, eh?

Bill even styles her hair and dresses in black just like Martha Jones did in The Last Of The Time Lords!

• Why the hell would the Monks ever let Bill out of their sight? After all, she's the person who gave them her consent and allowed them to take over the world. She's literally indispensable to them, especially since they've established a psychic link that allows them to broadcast their fake history through her. One would think they'd keep HER locked up in a cell instead of the Doctor!

Nope! Instead she's allowed to wander freely in public, coming and going as she pleases. You'd think at the very least they'd have kept her flat under constant video and audio surveillance. Obviously not, as she and Nardole plan to rescue the Doctor, and no secret police bust in to take them away.

In a similar vein, one would think the Monks would give Bill an extra helping of mind control to make sure she never remembered the past. Apparently this never occurred to them, as Bill realizes the Monks are a sham and freely recalls the way things used to be.

No wonder these schlubs were run off the planet!

I suppose it's mildly possible that while the Doctor was imprisoned by the Monks, he may have used his influence to protect Bill from them.

• The Monks never really seem like much of a threat in this episode. They occasionally have someone imprisoned when they remember the truth about the past, but that's pretty much the extent of their enforcement. 

Heck, Bill and Nardole are able to walk right onto the prison ship and into the Doctor's cell, and the Monks never even notice!

Writer Toby Whithouse tries to smooth over the Monks' apathetic attitude by saying they're more concerned about the Doctor getting out than by anyone else getting in. That's an old, old, ancient story trope that thousands of shows have used over the years to make their plots possible.

Even worse, the Monks barely try to stop the Doctor and Co. when they infiltrate their pyramid. They fire a couple of halfhearted lightning bolts at the invaders before being killed, and that's about it. 

And one would think there'd be some sort of alarm when the Doctor enters their thought-broadcasting chamber. Even if the Monks didn't want to dirty their hands stopping him, they could have sent their secret police to stop him.

Once again, is it any wonder these maroons were run off the planet so easily?

• Last week when the Colonel told the Monks they looked like corpses, they said, "We have chosen these forms to look like you."

I was sure that meant they had a true appearance that was even more shocking than a moldy-looking mummy. Or I thought their identity would turn out to be a twist of some kind. Like they were secretly Cybermen or something. Instead we got nothing. So what was the point of the whole "choosing our form" line?

I have a feeling that despite what happens at the end of this episode, we haven't seen the last of the Monks, and there's more of their story to be told.

In a recent interview, showrunner Steven Moffat said that "The Monks" is not the race's true name. And we know that the original 1960s Mondasian Cybermen are supposed to pop up sometime this season. I may be totally off base here, but I'm still not convinced that the Monks aren't somehow secretly the Cybermen.

• Speaking of appearances, doesn't it seem odd that the public so willingly accepts a race of "benevolent guardians" who look like ghastly, rotting corpses? I'd think most people would be uncomfortable even looking at them, much less submitting to their rule.

Wouldn't it have made more sense for the Monks to have looked like impossibly beautiful angels or something?

• This is some heavy duty nitpicking, but what the heck. During the Doctor's opening introduction, we see a Monk standing behind a victorious Winston Churchill, implying they helped guide his decisions.

Hmm. Churchill appeared on the show several times during the Eleventh Doctor's era, where he looked like the man above. How odd. One of these men is clearly an impostor!

• Also during the opening narration, the Doctor says the Monks have been there for all of mankind's greatest achievements, even waiting for us when we walked on the moon.

This is all a lie of course, but in the world of the story, humanity doesn't know that. If the Monks have already done everything humans are attempting to do, doesn't it seem like after a while we'd all just... give up? Why try to go to Mars or invent cold fusion when the Monks have probably already done it? 

• Now and then the Monks' psychic hold weakens on certain people and they realize the revised history of the world is a lie. 

This is such a threat to the Monks that they pass the "Memory Crimes Act" of 1975, making it a crime to realize the truth. In fact, whenever this happens the Monks actually send out an armed squad of "Memory Police" to round up anyone who remembers the way things used to be. 

That seems like a bad idea to me. Calling them "Memory Police" implies that there's something they don't want you to remember. Seems to me like that's just gonna get people wondering and thinking, and then even more citizens will start remembering! Why pick a name that needlessly encourages the very thing you don't want to happen? Wouldn't simply "Secret Police" or even just "Police" be enough? Or why mark their vans at all?

• At one point Bill walks by a Magpie Electrical store, which features a window full of TVs broadcasting the Doctor's propaganda.

The Magpie brand first appeared back in 2006's The Idiot's Lantern. The Magpie logo's shown up several times since, on various TV sets, Sarah Jane Smith's computer, River Song's scanner, a shop on the Starship UK and even on the Twelfth Doctor's guitar amp.

Oddly enough it doesn't appear on the TV set in this episode, which is a Sharp brand. I'm guessing Sharp probably ponied up some product placement dough, while the fictional Magpie Corp. didn't.

• So why doesn't Nardole use the TARDIS to pick up Bill and then rescue the Doctor? We've seen in past episodes that he can fly it. The TARDIS isn't even seen or mentioned in this episode, and it's not until it's over that you notice its absence.

Obviously the writer hoped that if he never mentioned the TARDIS, viewers wouldn't think about it, and then wouldn't realize that it could have solved the plot problems in about thirty seconds.

• Nardole tells Bill that he's located the Doctor, saying, "The Monks have got him on one of the old prison boats. Hulks, they used call them."

Believe it or not, Nardole knows what he's talking about here. The UK launched the ship HMP Weare in 1997 as a temporary measure to ease prison crowding. It was closed down in 2006.

• Bill and Nardole find the Doctor on the prison ship, but he appears to have betrayed humanity by siding with the Monks. This upsets Bill so much that she decides to straight up murder the Doctor by shooting him several times, which seemingly causes him to regenerate. After a few seconds he stops, admitting he was simply testing Bill's loyalty.

Obviously this "Fake Out Regeneration" was done just to trick the audience and make us think we were getting a new Doctor a few episodes early. He certainly didn't do it for Bill's benefit. As far as I know she isn't even aware that the Doctor CAN regenerate, unless he told her about it between episodes. And even if he did, she certainly wouldn't know what regeneration LOOKS like. When he started seemingly changing, she should have just stared and said, "'Why's there a golden fountain pouring out of your head?"

This entire sequence was nothing more than a cheap stunt designed to trick the audience into thinking they producers were actually going to switch Doctors this week. Bad form, guys!

• So Bill just shot the Doctor— a man she admittedly loves— three times in the chest at near point blank range. And no one says a peep about it afterwards! Not even a "Sorry I tried to kill you in a white hot rage" from Bill.

In fact the Doctor seems to have anticipated she'd do it, as he ordered his guards to put blanks in their guns (never mind where they got those on a ship anchored at sea).

• Why does the Doctor's coat look noticeably worn and threadbare in this episode? He's only been a captive of the Monks for six months. How'd his clothing get so worn in that short amount of time?

• All season long the series has been building up to the moment when the Doctor seeks the help of Missy. It finally happened this week, and I have to say it was pretty disappointing, consisting of playing "Hot & Cold" with the Doctor instead of just telling him the goddamned answer he needed.

I was expecting him to let her out of the Vault, and the two of them would team up to take down the Monks.

Hopefully her involvement will increase before the end of the season.

• Inside the Monks' pyramid is a room where they broadcast their fake history. The ceiling of this room is filled with screens displaying dozens of images of the altered past.

One of the screens even displays an image of a smug, grinning Donald Trump! Too bad that image wasn't a lie by the Monks.

The fact that Trump is the president should have been a huge clue to citizens of the Whoniverse that the Monks' version of history was all a lie. No race that "gently guided and encouraged humanity" would allow such a nimrod to become leader of the free world!

Note to the producers: I prefer my Doctor Who to be Trump-free, thanks. No need to see that on the screen while I'm trying to be entertained.

• The Doctor plans to infiltrate the Monks' pyramid and hook himself up to their machinery so he can broadcast the true history of the world, breaking the spell over the populace. He also starts coming up with things he could alter while he's at it, like using his thoughts to eliminate racism and "people who talk in cinemas."

That sounds a lot like the way the One Ring works in The Lord Of The Rings. Even when used for good, the Ring would subtly corrupt the user, urging them to try and remake the world according to their own rules.

• Sigh... once again, Doctor Who uses "The Power Of Love" to defeat the baddies of the week. Something they've done many, many times before in the revived series. At this point Huey Lewis would have a good copyright infringement case against the BBC.

I really hate this trope, but it sort of makes sense in this case though. Bill has a fantasy version of her mother in her head, and because it's not a real memory, the Monks can't corrupt it. That's actually kind of clever. It seems though like this pure memory would only affect Bill though. I'm not sure why it would disrupt the mind control of everyone else on Earth.

• At the end of the episode, the Doctor says the Monks somehow erased themselves from everyone's minds before they left, and humanity's completely forgotten them.

Nice try, episode, but that doesn't make the least bit of sense. Didn't anyone notice they'd inexplicably experienced six months of lost time? Did everyone just shrug & go on with their lives? What about all the people the Monks killed during their reign? I guess the families of these victims never wondered what happened to them? What about the people in the prison camps? Are they still there, with no memory of why?

• Last week we saw that giving consent to the Monks was a dangerous decision, as they'd disintegrate anyone whose request didn't come from "love." Bill gave her consent to the Monks and somehow survived her encounter.

This week we're told that rendering Bill brain dead is the only way to disrupt the Monks' psychic hold on humanity. She links her mind with that of a Monk, but somehow survives the encounter with her brain intact.

Some fans are starting to think Bill's seeming invulnerability isn't just the result of dumb luck. There's a theory going around that when the Doctor went back in time to meet Bill's mom in The Pilot, he may have done more than just snap her photo. Some are convinced that the Doctor fell for Mrs. Potts and actually fathered Bill, making her half Time Lord and explaining her invulnerability, as well as the Doctor's intense interest in her.

Ugh... I hope that's not what Moffat has in mind here.

• This Week's Best Lines:
The Doctor: "The Monks have been with us from the beginning. They shepherded humanity through its formative years, gently guiding and encouraging, like a parent clapping their hands at a baby's first steps. They have been instrumental in all the advances of culture and technology. They watched proudly as man invented the light bulb, the telephone and the internet. They were even there to welcome the first men on the moon. It's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. And they have defended us too. Who can forget the time the Monks defeated the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Weeping Angels? Two species, sharing a history as happily as they share a planet, humanity and the Monks are a blissful and perfect partnership. How lucky Earth is to have an ally as powerful and tender as the Monks, that asks for nothing in return for their benevolence but obedience."

Nardole: (to Bill) "I thought your mum (whispering) died. You know, when you were (whispers again) little."
(this line makes me laugh because of Nardole's unnecessary whispering of the word "little")

Bill: "Why do it? That's what I don't get. They invade somewhere, take control. Why go to the trouble of changing the past?"
Nardole: "However bad a situation is, if people think that's how it's always been, they'll put up with it. That's 90% of the job done."

Bill:"But I shot you."
The Doctor: "Yes, well, that was the plan, you see? Everyone exchanged their ammo for blanks."
Dave: "Ahem."
The Doctor: "Did you forget, Dave? You forgot? Well, that would have really blown the plan, wouldn’t it?"

Bill: (after finding out the Doctor was faking his involvement with the Monks) "And you were in on this too?"
Nardole: "It was partly his idea."
Bill:"Oh, my God. I’m going to beat the shi-"
The Doctor: "No! No! Oh, come on, come on, we’ve got the band back together again!"

Bill: (finally seeing the occupant of the Vault) "But it’s It’s just a woman. The way you and Nardole have been carrying on, I thought you had a monster in here, or something!"
The Doctor:"I do. Missy, Bill. Bill, Missy, the other Last of the Time Lords."
Bill: "Wait a sec. Why have you got a woman locked in a vault? Because even I think that’s weird, and I’ve been attacked by a puddle."

Bill: "I asked the Monks for help and started all of this, so I have to be the one to finish it. The only downside is, if that’s what we do well, it’s not worth me starting any long books.
Nardole: "Ok, well, er, let’s put a pin in it for now, as they say, and, er, see if we can think of something else."

Soldier: (under the influence of the Monks) "I’ll kill you first!"
(The Soldier suddenly collapses, as Nardole places his hand on his shoulder)
Nardole: "Tarovian Neck Pinch. Yeah, I studied their martial arts for a while, actually. Reached the level of Brown Tabard. Can’t do it with this hand though. Kind of bugs me. Course, this wasn’t my original hand, as you know. I won this in a game of... Yeah, let’s crack on."

The Doctor: (as he walks into the Monks' broadcast chamber) "Fake News Central!"

The Doctor: (calling to student to prove to Bill that the Monks erased themselves from humanity's memory) "You, Appalling Hair! This thing that we’re sitting on, what is it?:
Student: "Uh, we thought they were just like filming something here or something?"
The Doctor: "Thank you. Very helpful. Now go away, or something."

Bill: "Why do you put up with us, then?"
The Doctor: "In amongst seven billion there’s someone like you. That’s why I put up with the rest of them."

Missy:"I keep remembering all the people I’ve killed. Every day I think of more. Being bad... being bad drowned that out. I didn’t know I even knew their names. You didn’t tell me about this bit."
The Doctor:"I’m sorry, but this is good."
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It Came From The Cineplex: The Lost City Of Z

June 7, 2017, 11:42 am
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I'm WAY behind on movie reviews here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, so I'm desperately trying to catch up in the next few days. I saw this movie several weeks ago and it's long gone from theaters, but I sat through the goddamned thing so you're all gonna share my pain!

Apparently May of 2017 was Charlie Hunnam Month at the cineplex, as he starred in two major films at the same time (this one and King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword). Unfortunately for him, both turned out to be huge box office flops. So what went wrong? Was it a case of bad timing? Bad scripts? Or do people just really, really not care for Charlie Hunnam?

The Lost City Of Z was written and directed by James Gray. 

Gray previously wrote Blood Ties, and wrote and directed Little Odessa, The Yards, We Own The Night, Two Lovers and The Immigrant. I admit I'm not familiar with Gray's work and have never seen any of this films. I think the only one I've even heard of on that list is We Own The Night.

The film's based on the book of the same name by David Grann, which tells the "true" story of one of Britain's greatest explorers, Lt. Col. Percy Fawcett, who searched the Amazon jungle looking for a mythical lost city he called "Z."

Sadly, as with most biopics, little or nothing in the story actually happened, and it's all a load of crap. More on this below.

Don't be deceived by the trailer, which promises a rollicking Indiana Jones-type adventure. Instead the film feels like a throwback to epic adventure movies of the past, such as The Four Feathers or Lawrence Of Arabia. And if you don't know what either of those are, then think Downton Abbey in the jungle.

The Lost City Of Z is a well-made and well acted film that's lush and beautiful to the eye. I could easily see it being a contender come Oscar™ season. Unfortunately it's aimed at a mature audience, tells a morally ambiguous story about obsession and doesn't feature any CGI or blue lasers shooting up into the sky, meaning modern audiences will have little or no interest in it.

It also takes its sweet time telling its story, clocking in at an overlong 141 minutes, so prepare your ass! 

Curiously, The Lost City Of Z was produced by Amazon Studios. Yep, THAT Amazon. That means that I just paid Amazon TWICE to see this movie. They used my Amazon Prime membership money to make this thing, and then I bought a ticket to see it!

So far the movie's an enormous box office flop, grossing an anemic $8.3 million against its $30 million budget. And that's after fifty four days in 866 theaters. Yikes! For comparison, The Bye Bye Man is easily the worst movie I've seen so far this year, and it managed to gross $28 million. People REALLY had no interest in discovering The Lost City Of Z!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
The movie begins in 1905 Ireland, where British officer Percy Fawcett (played by Charlie Hunnam) is attending a shindig for the visiting Archduke Ferdinand of Austria (the same Archduke Ferdinand whose death started WW1). Fawcett, whose father shamed the family name, hopes that by hob-knobbing with the upper crust he can restore his honor. He participates in an elk hunt on the estate and easily bags the animal, to the cheers of his fellow hunters. Unfortunately he's snubbed during the banquet when the nobility discovers his lineage. D'oh!

A year later, Fawcett's summoned to London by the Royal Geographical Society. They tell him that Bolivia and Brazil are disputing their common boundary, and have asked a neutral party to map it for them. Fawcett's reluctant to leave his wife Nina and their son Jack, until the Society tells him that going on the survey mission could restore his family name. Blackmail much?

On the ship to Brazil, Fawcett meets Colonel Henry Costin (played by Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame), a hard-drinking explorer who's familiar with the Amazonian area. They arrive in Brazil, at a rubber plantation owned by Baron de Gondoriz. There, Fawcett and Costin meet Corporal Arthur Manley, who warns them against going on the expedition. Fawcett insists, and de Gondoriz gives him an Amazonian slave named Tadjui to serve as a guide.

As the expedition sails down the Amazon river, Tadjui tells Fawcett stories of a mysterious, golden city deep in the jungle. He says the city was once populous, but is now abandoned and lies in ruins. Fawcett dismisses the stories, believing them to be nothing more than local legends. After several months, the expedition completes their mapping mission (I guess?).

Tadjui tells Fawcett where to find the source of the Amazon river before he disappears into the jungle. Fawcett follows his directions and amazingly finds the source, right where Tadjui said it'd be. Unfortunately it looks like a small waterfall, which is kind of disappointing. As Fawcett tromps around the waterfall, he finds shards of broken pottery on the jungle floor, and begins to suspect Tadjui was right about the lost city.

Fawcett returns to England and is reunited with Nina, who's given birth to their second son. Fawcett appears before the Royal Geographical Society and tells them of his findings. They poo poo the idea that the "savage Amazonian natives" could have possibly built a thriving civilization that predated the British Empire, and threaten to run him out of town for his borderline heretical beliefs. Fortunately, biologist James Murray believes him and offers to join him on his quest to find the "Lost City Of Z."Houston, we have a title!

For some reason, even though the Royal Geographical Society dismisses Fawcett's lost city theory, they agree to fund an expedition to further map the Amazon basin.

The expedition sets off, but is bogged down by Murray, who's not used to the reality of jungle exploration. The expedition is attacked by hostile natives, as several members are killed. Fawcett manages to make peace with the natives, and asks them if they have any info on the Lost City. Murray injures his leg, which quickly becomes infected. Costin and the others want to turn back and get help for Murray, but Fawcett refuses. He leaves Murray behind (after giving him a horse and directions back to the native village) and pushes on. After surviving many hardships, the expedition is finally forced to turn back without finding the Lost City.

Fawcett returns to London, and is surprised to see that Murray survived and recovered. He meets with the Royal Geographical Society, where Murray accuses Fawcett of leaving him for dead (which is true). He demands the Society dismiss Fawcett, along with a public apology from him. Fawcett resigns rather than apologize. That'll show him!

At home, Nina's happy to finally have her husband back. Fawcett's restless though, as he's obsessed with finding a Lost City which likely doesn't even exist. His son Jack accuses Fawcett of abandoning his family for a stupid ideal (which is also true).

Suddenly World War I breaks out, adding another half hour to the film as Fawcett and his pal Costin go off to fight. During the Battle Of The Somme, Fawcett is injured in a mustard gas attack (too bad he didn't run into Wonder Woman!). He wakes up in a hospital, completely blind. Nina visits him with their now three children. When Jack sees Fawcett lying helpless in his hospital bed, he tearfully reconciles with his father.

Eventually Fawcett's sight returns, and he lives a peaceful life in England. In 1923, America's interest in exploring the Amazon is at a fever pitch, mostly due to Fawcett's claims of a Lost City. Millionaire industrialist John D. Rockefeller Jr. contacts Fawcett, and offers to fund a new expedition. The Royal Geographical Society, not wanting to be one-upped by the Americans, agrees to reinstate Fawcett and co-fund the expedition as well.

Fawcett feels he's too old to go traipsing off into the jungle again. Amazingly, Jack, who once denounced his father's quests, is now gung-ho to explore the region himself. He badgers and pesters Fawcett into going, until he finally agrees. The two men somehow convince Nina to let Jack go along on the expedition.

Fawcett tries to convince his old friend Costin to come with him one last time, but he refuses, saying he's content to enjoy the peaceful life. Before he leaves, Fawcett meets with Sir John Scott Keltie, a member of the Royal Geographical Society. He shows Keltie his compass, and says when he finds the Lost City, he'll send it back as confirmation (Plot Point!).

For some reason, Fawcett and Jack go alone on their quest, which seems like a bad idea, but what do I know about exploring? Months later (or maybe years, it's impossible to tell), the two encounter a hostile native tribe. They run from them through the grasslands, in a scene that looks exactly like the opening of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

At the last second they're saved by the timely appearance of a second tribe, that scares off the pursuers. They're taken back to the natives' village, where the elders confer. After a short deliberation, they decide that the two men's souls must belong to the tribe, whatever that means. They drug Fawcett and Jack in an elaborate ceremony, and take them deep into the jungle, as we get a brief glimpse of what might be the ruins of an ancient city.

Several years later, Nina meets with Keltie, who's now the head of the Royal Geographical Society. She says she's heard rumors that her husband and son are still alive, and asks Keltie if he has any news. He tells her they sent more than a hundred people to search for them over the years, with no luck. He says it's time she came to terms with the truth— that Fawcett and Jack are dead. She refuses to believe this, and shows Keltie a package she received. He opens it, and sees Fawcett's compass inside.

The End. OR IS IT?!!?!?!?!?

Thoughts:
• First things first— the title of the movie is actually The Lost City Of ZED and not The Lost City Of ZEE. I think America's the only English-speaking country in the world that pronounces the letter Z that way.

• I'm not quite sure how the movie wants me to feel about the main character. Am I supposed to admire Percy Fawcett? Is his refusal to ever give up supposed to inspire me? If so, then the film failed miserably. Despite the fact that the movie does its level best to romanticize him, he was not a hero. 

Fawcett was a failed explorer whose obsession to discover a lost city that never existed bordered on insanity. He never discovered anything, and ruined his life trying. Does the script want me to applaud his tenacity or pity him?

Watching the film, I couldn't help but think of his poor family. He obviously cared far more about glory and restoring his name than he did about them, leaving his wife for years at a time, forcing her to raise their three children alone. He wasn't a hero, he was a pathetic loser and an asshole.

Who wouldn't want to see a film about someone like that?

• At one point in the film, one of Fawcett's men receives a telegram during an expedition (?). He reads the message to Fawcett, saying, "It seems Bingham just discovered a lost city in Peru! He calls it Machu Pichu." 

When I heard that I thought, "Gosh, that sounds a lot more exciting than this movie! I wish I was watching a film about THAT guy!"

• Oddly enough, despite the film's excessive 141 minute runtime, it absolutely races through its plot as it attempts to cover EVERY major event of Fawcett's life. 

Fawcett goes on his first Amazon expedition and BOOM! It lasts all of fifteen minutes and he's there and back again before you know it. WWI starts up? It's barely given ten minutes worth of screen time. You could actually miss the entire war by visiting the restroom or going out for more popcorn!

As a result of this breakneck pace, few scenes get the screen time they deserve, and there's no gravity to any of the events. This makes the movie feel like an extra long trailer, or a highlight reel of Fawcett's life. 

It would have improved the film considerably if they'd just briefly touched on the early events of his life, and had the bulk of the film concentrate on his final expedition.

• Brad Pitt produced the film, and was originally slated to star before dropping out. Benedict Cumberbatch was also considered for the lead, but had to cancel due to scheduling conflicts with Doctor Strange.

• Robert Pattinson plays Col. Henry Costin in the film, complete with a full beard and scruffy, disheveled appearance. Apparently Pattinson is trying his best to distance himself from his pretty boy Twilight persona.

• In the film, Charlie Hunnam plays the father of Tom Holland. In reality the two actors are only sixteen years apart. Not impossible, but unlikely.

That's still far short of the "ridiculous age record" set by the 1974 movie Earthquake. In that film, Lorne Greene played the father of Ava Gardner, even though the two were only seven years apart. You've not lived until you hear Ava Gardner calling a man nearly the same age as her, "Daddy."

• Speaking of Holland, he had to wear a fake 1920s mustache in the film, as he reportedly couldn't yet grow one of his own.

• Ian McDiarmid (aka Emperor Palpatine) gets seventh billing in the film, despite the fact that he appears for literally fifteen seconds and has exactly two brief lines. Now THAT'S a good agent!

• Near the end of the film, Fawcett and his son Jack run through a jungle plain from hostile natives.

The scene's practically a shot-for-shot recreation of the one in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Too be fair, there are probably a limited number of ways to film someone running from a native horde. Still, note to filmmakers: Don't remind the audience of more exciting movies they could be watching instead of yours.

• As regular readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld know by now, I am not a fan of biopics. That's because even when they're well made, they usually contain far more fiction than fact, in an effort to make the subject's life more interesting and cinematic.

The Lost City Of Z is an unusual film in that it's very close to the book on which it's based. Unfortunately, according to real life Canadian explorer John Hemming, David Gramm's book is wildly inaccurate.

According to Hemming, the real Percy Fawcett was "a surveyor who never discovered anything, a nutter, a racist, and so incompetent that the only expedition he organised was a five-week disaster."

Hemming claims that Fawcett was severely ill-prepared for his one and only expedition, which resulted in the deaths of five of his crew. On a later survey mission, he actually shot an indigenous Indian, something that was forbidden by the Brazilian government.

Fawcett wrote of his encounters, describing the natives as "large hairy men, with exceptionally long arms, and foreheads sloping back from pronounced eye ridges… villainous savages, hideous ape men with pig-like eyes." Which of course was nothing even remotely close to the truth.

Fawcett heard rumors of a lost city reportedly seen by explorers in 1743, and became obsessed with finding it, despite no evidence it existed. He made a couple of half-hearted attempts at discovering it in locations hundreds of miles from where it was rumored to be (?). 

In 1925, a penniless Fawcett made one last desperate attempt to find the city, taking his son Jack and friend. Fawcett insisted they travel light, assuring his tiny crew that the Indians would look after them (??). They were never seen again.

Twenty years later, the Chief of the Kalapalo tribe gave a detailed account of Fawcett's visit, claiming his people killed the unwelcome explorers (!!!). 

Fawcett's efforts were forgotten until 2009, when David Grann published his book The Lost City Of Z, which Hemming claims blew the story all out of proportion and quite wrongly painted Fawcett as a great explorer. According to Hemming, most of the book is nothing more than utter nonsense.

So which account is right— David Grann's or John Hemming's? I'm going to side with Hemming, since he's the one who's an actual explorer with many expeditions under his belt.

For what it's worth, here's a rundown of the film vs the book vs reality:

In The Movie: Fawcett went on three expeditions to the Amazon over the years. 
In The Book: Fawcett went on a whopping EIGHT expeditions! The movie thankfully condensed these to just three.
In Reality: Fawcett went on ONE actual expedition. He went on a couple of survey missions for the British government, but they were for map making purposes only.

In The Movie: Fawcett's father sullied the family name. 
In The Book: This is true, as he squandered the family fortune by drinking and gambling.
In Reality: ?

In The Movie: Fawcett was a member of the British Secret Service. 
In The Book: This was sort of true, as the British Secret Service often recruit members of the Royal Geographic Society, believing that map making was the perfect cover for a spy.
In Reality: Fawcett was an artillery man in the army, and took a surveying course. The Bolivian government asked the Royal Geographical Society to send a "mature" surveyor to map their northwest border.

In The Movie: Fawcett's claims of an ancient Amazonian civilization rocked stuffy British society, and he was ridiculed for his beliefs.
In The Book: Also true, as experts believed that the heavy rains and flooding in the Amazon would prevent crops from growing, meaning large populations would never be able to flourish.
In Reality: ?

In The Movie: Fawcett seeks advice from a psychic during WWI. 
In The Book: Yep. He became a devotee of charlatan psychic Madame Blavatsky
In Reality: Hemming confirms this.

In The Movie: Fawcett sent home coded letters to his wife Nina, so as not to give away his location to rival explorers. 
In The Book: True.
In Reality: ?

In The Movie: Fawcett's fame grew with each expedition. 
In The Book: All eyes were on him during each of his trips. On his final expedition, millions of readers scoured newspapers for word of his exploits.
In Reality: Hemming claims that Fawcett's disappearance in the Amazon became a media sensation.

In The Movie: The Royal Geographical Society sends out thirteen expeditions to find Fawcett, resulting in one hundred deaths. 
In The Book: This is supposedly true, as early expeditions hoped to find him alive, and later ones looked both for his remains as well as his fabled lost city.
In Reality: Hemming says only two search parties were sent out. One was sent in 1928 and discovered that Fawcett and his two companions had been killed. The other was a failed expedition sent out in 1935 for some reason. The total death toll from these two rescue attempts? Zero.

The Lost City Of Z is an old-fashioned adventure tale that feels like a throwback to films of the past. It's a story about a flawed man obsessed with discovery and glory, which will be of absolutely no interest to the eighteen to thirty four demographic. As with all biopics, the vast majority of the movie is largely fabricated. I wish I could judge it just as a piece of fiction, but the fact that it's filled with misinformation and outright lies drags down my score quite a bit. I really want to love this movie, but unfortunately I just can't. I give it a B-.

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Imitation Something Something Flattery (Transformers: The Last Knight)

June 8, 2017, 7:25 am
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As longtime readers of my blog know, Transformers: Age Of Extinctionwill forever go down in my personal history as the film that almost broke me. I felt like I was being beaten about the head for every miserable second of its eight hour runtime, and the first time I ever wanted to get up and walk out of a movie. I would have too, but I didn't drive and had no way home. Maybe I should have just walked or sprang for a taxi.

I hoped that film might end the miserable Transformers series forever, but its $1.1 BILLION DOLLAR worldwide box office gross guaranteed that they'll never, ever stop making them.

In fact, in just a couple of months sadistic director and hater of all humanity Michael Bay is releasing a brand new way to torture the public, called Transformers: The Last Knight. Let's take a look at a few scenes from the new trailer, shall we? No? Well, too bad, we're doing it anyway.

As I watched the trailer for Bay's newest nightmare, I noticed a lot of it seemed awfully familiar...

For example, there's this scene, which inexplicably features an attack by a squadron of TIE Fighters. Seriously, those are freakin' TIE Fighters there. The same kind Darth Vader flew, with the angled-in wings.

One would think if one was going to blatantly steal a piece of production design, one wouldn't select an iconic vehicle from one of the most famous movies of all time. Steal something from Starcrash, for Thor's sake, not Star Wars!

Next up we have what appears to be ED-209 from the Robocop remake, crossed with an AT-ST from The Return Of The Jedi.

It even has the same awkward, clumsy gait as the AT-ST. Subtle!

Bay also apparently straight up lifted the ATOM robot from Real Steel, and gave it a C-3PO-esque butler personality. It's even got the same glowing blue eyes!

I dunno what's going on here, but this oceanic base is a dead ringer for the submerged alien spaceship in The Abyss.

And lastly, we have this three headed dragon that looks like it rolled around in scrap metal. Gosh, I feel like I've seen something like this before, but I can't figure out where (cough—King Ghidorah—cough).


The most amazing thing about this movie is the fact that it apparently took a whopping FOUR people to come up with the story and write the thing. And as we all know by now, the more screenwriters there are, the better the script, right?

I still haven't decided if I'm going to subject myself to this highly original waking nightmare or not. Stay tuned.
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It Came From The Cineplex: King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword

June 9, 2017, 8:41 am
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Apparently May of 2017 was Charlie Hunnam Month at the cineplex, as he starred in two major films at the same time (this one and The Lost City Of Z). Unfortunately for him, both turned out to be huge box office flops. So what went wrong? Was it a case of bad timing? Bad scripts? Or do people just really, really not care for Charlie Hunnam?

King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword was written by Joby Harold, Lionel Wigram and Guy Ritchie. It was directed by Guy Ritchie.
Harold is primarily a producer, whose sole previous screenwriting credit was Awake. Wigram is also a prolific producer, who previously wrote Sherlock Holmes and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Ritchie is a prolific writer, producer and director. He previously wrote AND directed Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, Swept Away, Revolver, RocknRolla and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. He directed Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows.

Guy Ritchie also took one for the team and was married to Madonna from 2000 until 2008. I guess someone had to do it...

Note that David Dobkin also receives "story credit" on the film. Um... Shouldn't that go to Geoffrey Of Monmouth, who wrote the original Arthurian legends back in 1130?

This is Hollywood's first Arthurian film since Antoine Fuqua's similarly revisionist King Arthur in 2004, which starred Clive Owen and Keira Knightley.

At first glance, Guy Ritchie might seem like an odd choice to helm this film. But hey, his gritty and grounded style-over-substance approach worked for the Sherlock Holmes movies, so it oughta be perfect for King Arthur as well, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

Ritchie's take on the material adds absolutely nothing to the film, as he throws out virtually everything in the traditional Arthurian mythology. This will likely confuse newbies and scholars alike, as his version makes Monty Python And The Holy Grail look like a meticulously researched, historically accurate documentary. Worst of all, despite its numerous action setpieces, it's just plain dull.

If you've ever read King Arthur before and thought, "Eh, this is OK, but there just aren't enough gigantic CGI fantasy monsters, and I wish the main character was a lovable thug with a morally grey code of ethics," then this is the movie for you!

This is definitely not your father's King Arthur, laws no. No longer is he a noble and selfless knight. This Arthur's a streetwise con-man and pimp (seriously!), who enjoys nothing more than a good brawl, couldn't care less about saving the world and wields the Medieval equivalent of a lightsaber (also seriously!). Same goes for the Knights Of The Round Table, who've been transformed into a motley crew of low-level criminals who engage in witty banter with their leader.

Wondering why Merlin and Guinevere don't show up in this film? Me too. According to the producers, this film is supposedly the first of a planned six part King Arthur franchise. They're just setting up Arthur's origin here, and the other characters are scheduled to show up in future installments.

Um... no. King Arthur 2: Knights Unite or whatever they planned to call it ain't gonna happen. The initial film is a major flop, which will no doubt force Warner Bros. to cancel any and all intentions of a followup.

Why do studios keep making these grandiose franchise plans before the first film premieres and proves itself a success? Lionsgate did the same thing a couple months ago with their dark, gritty Power Rangers reboot. They too had a six film series all mapped out, only to have those hopes and dreams dashed when the first film crashed and burned upon release.

Wouldn't it make infinitely more sense to release one film, see how that does, and then start planning your franchise? Seems like it'd be much less risky, and there'd be a lot less snickering behind the producers' backs.

So far King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword is tanking violently at the box office, grossing a very anemic $37 million here in the States, for a total of $130 million worldwide. That sounds like a lot of dough until you weigh it against the film's MASSIVE $175 million budget. 

Due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies need to make about twice their production budget just to break even. That means King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword will need to gross $350 million before it can start turning a profit. There's no way in hell it'll ever get close to that amount.

I have absolutely no idea why the film cost so much. Either ALL the actors pulled down enormous $20 million dollar paychecks or this was another one of those movies designed as a tax write off, ala Monster Trucks. 

Yes, King Arthur features a lot of CGI creatures and a few epic battle scenes, but on the whole it looks like a typical episode of Game Of Thrones. For the sake of comparison, virtually every scene in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 contains some kind of special effect, and two of its main characters are total CGI creations. Yet it cost just $25 million more. 

So why did the film fail so miserably? Some industry insiders say it's because Charlie Hunnam just isn't leading man material. Others say it's because audiences don't care about King Arthur. That may all be true, but the real culprit here is timing.

The film was originally scheduled for release on July 22, 2016. For some reason, Warner Bros. then moved the release date up to February 17, 2017, and then to March 24. A few weeks later they then bumped it up one last time to May 12, 2017. As we've seen over and over, any time a movie gets delayed multiple times, it's ALWAYS a bad, bad sign. When will studios ever learn?

Supposedly Warner Bros. moved the film from March 24 to avoid competition from the new CHiPS film (!). Seriously? They really saw CHiPS as a threat? Jesus Christ! Unfortunately the May 12 release date put King Arthur firmly between the premieres of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 on May 5 and Alien: Covenant on May 19, which may go down as one of the stupidest decisions in Hollywood history. It never stood a chance wedged between those two juggernauts!

SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE BASED ON A NINE HUNDRED YEAR OLD STORY!

The Plot:
The film begins with the evil mage Mordred attacking Camelot. He conjures up a herd of five hundred foot tall elephants from The Return Of The King and lays waste to the city. King Uther Pendragon (briefly played by Eric Bana) leads his own troops against Mordred's army. He climbs to the top of Mordred's mobile war tower and uses his sword Excalibur to slay the mage.

Uther's brother Vortigern (played by Jude Law) is also a mage, and believes he should be the rightful ruler of Camelot. He sacrifices his wife Elsa to a group of sirens in a pit below the castle, which grants him supernatural powers. He then leads a coup against his king with his personal army, called the Blacklegs.

Uther takes his wife Igraine and son Arthur to the docks, in an effort to get them to safety. Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer, er, I mean a Demon Knight then appears, killing Igraine. Arthur hides in a boat and sees the Demon Knight kill Uther. With him out of the way, Vortigern is now king.

Arthur floats safely downriver, just like Moses (hey, wrong fictional story!). He runs aground in the city of Londinium, where he's found by a prostitute named Lucy, who raises him in a brothel. Through the power of a montage, we see Arthur grow up, as his life on the streets teaches him to be a capable fighter. The now adult Arthur (played by Charlie Hunnam) eventually takes over the brothel and provides for the women who raised him (so... a pimp then?). He becomes friends with two other ruffians named Rubio and Percival.

When a group of Vikings assault Lucy, Arthur and his pals retaliate against them. This draws the attention of the Blacklegs, who claim the Vikings are under Vortigern's protection. The Blackleg Commander kills Lucy and the other prostitutes in front of Arthur, then puts him on a slave ship bound for Camelot.

Meanwhile, for some reason the sea around Vortigern's castle drains like water from a tub, revealing the sword Excalibur stuck in a stone on the ocean floor. Vortigern meets with the sirens again, saying he's still not at full power. They say it happens to all guys now and then. Just kidding, they tell him that Arthur's still alive and he'll never succeed until he kills him and claims the power of Excalibur for himself. To that end, Vortigern rounds up all the young men in his kingdom, forcing them to try to pull the sword from the stone in order to find Arthur.

The slave ship arrives, and Arthur and the other prisoners are forced to try and free the sword. Arthur steps up to the stone, and when he wraps his hands around the hilt of Excalibur he sees images of the night his father died. He easily pulls the sword from the stone and holds it aloft. It begins glowing like a lightsaber (take THAT, traditional Arthurian legend!) which causes him to pass out. He wakes in a dungeon, and receives a visit from his uncle Vortigern. He explains to Arthur who his father was, and why he was so affected by the sword.

Uther's former general Sir Bedevere (played by Dimon Hounsou) is approached by a female known only as The Mage, who says she was sent by Merlin to help Arthur.

Vortigern sentences Arthur to public execution. Just as he's about to be killed, The Mage summons a flock of hawks to attack the Blacklegs, while Bedevere and his men rescue Arthur. They take him to their hideout, where Bedevere says they need Arthur's help to defeat the evil Vortigern. Arthur says he's no hero, and passes out once again after trying to wield Excalibur. This causes the rebels to question whether Arthur's their savior or just another schlub.

Bedevere explains that Vortigern is planning on building a massive Mage Tower, and if it's completed he'll be unstoppable. He says the only thing that can stop Vortigern is Excalibur, and Arthur, being Uther's son, is the only one who can use it. Because we're only halfway through the movie, Arthur says he doesn't know how to wield the sword. The Mage suggests Arthur visit the mystical Blacklands in order to learn.

Arthur travels to the Blacklands (not to be confused with the Blacklegs) and battles lots of expensive CGI creatures. The sword causes him to have another vision of the night his parents died. The Demon Knight throws a spear at his mother, killing her. Uther battles the Knight, but is fatally wounded. He throws Excalibur into the air, and as it impales him as it comes back down. Uther turns into the stone that held Excalibur and then sinks into the sea, which I have to admit was pretty cool). Arthur wakes from the vision, determined to kill Vortigern (so he didn't want to kill him before?).

Arthur and his rebels learn that Vortigern's coming to Londinium for an important meeting, and plan to kill him there. The plan goes horribly wrong when Vortigern sends a decoy instead of appearing himself. Arthur and his men are discovered and make a run for it. Rubio's injured and tells Arthur to leave him behind. The others are eventually surrounded by Blacklegs, forcing Arthur to unleash Excalaibur. He grabs the sword with both hands, gives a mighty swing and kills them all.

Arthur and his men hide out in the city, waiting for nightfall so they can escape. Blue, Rubio's son, sneaks out to find his father. Unfortunately Blue leads Vortigern right to the injured Rubio. Vortigern tortures him to find out where Arthur's hiding. When he won't talk, Vortigern kills Rubio in front of Blue, who runs back to Arthur and the Gang.

Stung by Rubio's death and feeling he's not a leader, Arthur angrily flings Excalibur into the sea. He walks through the woods moping, and is pulled into a pond by the Lady Of The Lake. She shows him what'll happen if Vortigern isn't defeated, and basically kicks him in the ass and tells him to wrap up the plot.

Arthur returns with a renewed purpose, and rounds up Bedevere, George and Percival. They return to their hideout and find out that the Blacklegs have killed the rest of the Gang, and captured both Blue and The Mage (she couldn't defend herself against normal human soldiers?). Vortigern's ally Greybeard the Viking tells Arthur to surrender, or Blue and The Mage will die.

Arthur goes to Vortigern's castle and turns himself in. Vortigern releases The Mage, who conjures up a giant snake that kills all the Blacklegs. Arthur's rebels enter and free all of Vortigern's prisoners and wipe out the remaining Blacklegs.

Vortigern needs more power, so he sacrifices his daughter Catia to the sirens. He's instantly transformed into the Demon Knight again. He and Arthur then have an epic duel. Arthur's eventually overwhelmed, and sees the vision of his parents' death again. Uther throws Excalibur into the air, but before it hits him, Arthur grabs it. Uther tells his son it's high time he wielded the sword. Arthur then tells Vortigern that his actions engineered his own demise, and stabs him. He leaves Vortigern for dead (?) as Sauron's Barad-Dur, er, I mean the Mage Tower collapses on top of him.

Cut to Arthur knighting Bedevere and the rest of his Gang. They see he's been busy building something... a round object that looks like a table. Arthur's then crowned the new king, and holds Excalibur high into the air as the crowd cheers him.

Thoughts:
• Even if I hadn't seen his name in the opening credits, I'd have instantly recognized this as a Guy Ritchie film. You can spot his signature style a mile away. All his old favorite tics and flourishes are in full display in King Arthur, like he was checking items off a list. Here are just a few of them:

An Innovative Title Sequence
Check!

Rapid-Fire Dialogue Peppered With Nearly Impenetrable Slang
Check and Check! Somehow I doubt the real King Arthur (if he existed) had a Geordie accent.

Flashbacks Filled With Super-Fast Cuts And A Voiceover That Explains Plot Points
Check! There are at least two of these in the film.

Shirtless, Barefisted Boxing Match For No Good Reason
Check! Heck, there was even one of these in Sherlock Holmes! SHERLOCK HOLMES!

"Speed Up, Slow Down" Fight Scenes
Check! I lost count of how many times this technique's used (or should I say "overused") in the film. OK, this trope was innovative when it first appeared back in 300, but it looks reeeeeally dated today.

Fast-Paced, On-Foot Chase Scene Shot In Extreme Closeup
Check! The one in King Arthur is particularly noteworthy, as it looks like the camera was somehow attached to the running actors.

And those are just the Richie-esque trademarks I spotted. I'm sure there are more that I missed.

• The opening battle scene features an attack by gigantic, five hundred foot tall war elephants that dwarf the Mumakil in The Return of The King. Not something I remember from traditional Arthurian legend, but hey, whatever it takes to spice up this snoozefest.

Just like the Mumakil, these elephants had wooden platforms built onto their backs, filled with soldiers. Some of them also had what looked like enormous "wrecking balls" chained to their long trunks. 

At one point one of the elephants is started by an attack, causing it to raise its trunk high above its head. Unfortunately the wrecking ball on the end of its trunk then zooms wildly through the air, smashing the hut on its back and sending the soldiers flying.

That... that seems like a pretty big design flaw to me!

• At first I assumed that the female Mage character was supposed to be a gender-flipped version of Merlin, but no. She's actually listed in the credits as "The Mage." No doubt the studio planned to bring in the real Merlin in a later film.

There's actually a Merlin listed way, way down in the credits. I honestly don't remember seeing him in the film, but I think he might have briefly appeared in the lengthy expository prologue.

• Earlier I compared the movie's look to Game Of Thrones. It also features at least one actor from the series— Aidan Gillen, aka Littlefinger, who plays Arthur's pal Bill here.

This shouldn't be a surprise, since as we all know there are only about twenty five actors in all of England. It's only natural for the same ones to continually pop up over and over in films.

• Dimon Hounsou plays Bedevere in the film. Has he ever starred in a film set in the present day? Seems like every time I see him he's either in a period piece or a futuristic sci-fi adventure.

The only contemporary film I think I've ever seen him in was Guardians Of The Galaxy, which, despite its look, was actually set in the present. He was some kind of alien cyborg in that film though, so it probably shouldn't count. I can't remember ever seeing him play a present day suburban dad or anything like that.

• Mikael Persbrandt, who played Beorn in The Hobbit films, plays Greybeard the Viking here. He's hidden behind a long beard (hence his character's name), but I recognized his voice immediately.

• One of the most famous moments in all of Arthurian legend is the scene in which he pulls the Sword From The Stone. Everyone's familiar with that bit, even people who've never read a King Arthur story in their lives.

Apparently Guy Ritchie doesn't think it's that big a deal though, as he completely botches this all-important moment. He films it in the dullest and most pedestrian way possible, as Charlie Hunnam pulls Excalibur out of the rock with all the gravitas of a old man trying to open a stuck dresser drawer.

Even worse, this momentous scene is totally overshadowed by a distracting and puzzling cameo by soccer star David Beckham (?), who plays one of Vortigern's henchmen named "Trigger."

In fact, Beckham's featured just as prominently in the scene as Hunnam is. Here's the way it plays out onscreen: 

(Arthur shoves his way through the crowd and up to the Stone)
Arthur: "Where do you want me?"
Trigger:"Bouncing on my knee, where do you think I want you? Hands on the hilt, stupid!"
(Arthur grabs the Sword with one hand and gives an anemic tug, but it won't budge)
Trigger:"Oi, both hands!"
(Arthur then grabs the Sword with both hands and nonchalantly pulls it out of the Stone with zero resistance)

Beautiful! It's like visual poetry!

Note that Ritchie must have a thing for David Beckham, as he gave him a small part in his previous film, The Man From UNCLE.

• In most versions of Arthurian legend, Excalibur doesn't really have many actual powers. It's said to give off an intense light— "as bright as thirty torches"— that could blind enemies, but that's about it.

Oddly enough, Excalibur's scabbard seemed to be more powerful than the sword itself. The scabbard had the power to protect the wearer from injury and blood loss.

Naturally in this film Excalibur's powers are ramped up to eleven. When Arthur holds it in one hand, it acts like a normal sword. But if he grips it with both hands, suddenly it glows like a lightsaber. It slices through anything, can throw opponents a hundred feet in the air, and even slow down time itself!

• For hundreds of years historians have argued as to whether Arthur was a real person or not. Even if he was, story elements such as Merlin, Excalibur, Camelot and the Knights Of The Round Table are most definitely fictional. So historical inaccuracy in Arthurian legend doesn't bother me much.

That said, a couple things jumped out at me in this film.

At the beginning of the film, young Arthur floats down a river to the city of Londinium, the prototype for modern day London. Londinium was a real settlement in England, founded around 43 AD. Unfortunately by the time Arthur was supposed to have lived, it was virtually destroyed and uninhabited after being raided by Saxons.

In the movie, Vortigern lives in an enormous castle. Eh, no. Castles didn't appear in Britain until about five hundred years after Arthur's era.

Shiny metal armor didn't exist in Arthur's time either.

This is clearly a fantasy movie though, so eh... I'm willing to overlook these issues.
• The end credits list Kieran Belshaw, Max Berman, Rob Bliss, Christopher Brandstrom and several dozen others as Concept Artists.

They forgot the most important name of all— the late Frank Frazetta! The Demon Knight in the film is DEFINITELY inspired by Frazetts's Death Dealer painting, and there's no way anyone will ever be able to convince me otherwise.

Here's a shot of the Demon Knight from the trailer...

And a closeup of his helmet.

And here's Frazetta's Death Dealer. The Demon Knight is the exact same goddamned design! They even gave him the same turned-down horns! And he carries an axe just like the one in the painting!

Someone owes the Frazetta estate a big fat royalty check, and I think it's Warner Bros.!

King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword is a dull retelling of the Arthurian legend that short on substance but long on director Guy Ritchie's signature idiosyncrasies. Worst of all, it takes the Arthur character and turns him from a noble, honorable knight into a brawling, streetwise thug. Inexplicably filling the screen with CGI monsters to turn the film into The Lord Of The Rings doesn't help either. The movie was meant as the first of a six part Arthurian franchise that's never going to happen. Skip it and go watch the vastly superior 1981 Excalibur instead. I give it a C.

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