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R.I.P. Adam West

June 10, 2017, 8:15 pm
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Darn. I knew this day would eventually come, but it still hurts. Adam West, TV's Batman, died Friday at age eighty eight. Sad, but I guess that's a pretty good run.

For an entire generation, West was Batman. The 1966 show might have been campy fun, but he took the role seriously, and played it absolutely straight. There've been a host actors who played the role in later years, but West's version remains the most iconic.

I vividly remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV twice a week, dutifully watching Batman. Yes, twice a week. The producers wanted it to be a sixty minute show, but ABC didn't have any hour long timeslots available. So they split the episodes in two and aired them on Wednesday and Thursday nights. 

The first part of each story would always end on a cliffhanger, with Batman and Robin stuck in a villain's trap. I remember these endings always caused me great distress. Being a kid, I didn't understand that this was just a cheap way to get the audience to tune in the next day, and was honestly worried that Batman was gonna die!

The Batman TV show is likely what jump-started my interest in Marvel and DC comics (I read comics before then, but they were generally the funny animal kind), so thanks to Adam West for that. He provided me with many hours of colorful entertainment as a kid, as well as into adulthood as I continued to watch the series he made famous.

R.I.P., old chum!

Now who's gonna save us from that bomb?
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Transformers: The Last STRAW!

June 12, 2017, 7:19 am
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Last month in my 2017 Box Office Predictions Part 2, I asked the following question:
I have just one question for Michael Bay: How the hell did he talk Sir Anthony Hopkins into starring in a goddamned Transformers movie?
Seriously. Anthony Hopkins. Winner of an Oscar™ for Best Actor, two Emmys, three BAFTAs and the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Recipient of a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, and a knighthood granted by Queen Elizabeth II in 1993. 

And yet for some inexplicable reason he's starring in the upcoming Transformers: The Last Knight debacle.

On April 17 of this year, I said over on Facebook that I could think of three possibilities for Hopkins' presence in the movie:

A: Bay has some really big dirt on Hopkins, and blackmailed him into giving his horrible movie a much-needed touch of class.

B: They told Hopkins he's in some kind of King Arthur film, and he doesn't realize he's actually in a Transformers movie.

C: Michael Bay diverted one of the dump trucks that regularly deposits cash into his many money bins, and sent it to Hopkins' house.

Welp, in an interview this week with Event Magazine, whatever that is, Hopkins confirmed my suspicions, as the reasons for his appearance are a little bit of B (confusion) and a whole lotta C (money!).

Hopkins, who plays Sir Edmond Burton in Transformers: The Last Knight, admitted he had no idea what was going on in the movie, saying:
"You're not going to ask me to explain the plot are you? Because it's so very complicated and there's the whole mythology of four previous films that come into play. I have to admit, I don't quite get all of it."

"All I know is I play a highly educated, eccentric English lord. I had a terrific time making it. Mark Wahlberg was wonderful to work with, the locations were excellent (Northumberland, Norway, Arizona, the Isle of Skye and Stonehenge) and I showed up, put my costume on, said my lines and stayed out of trouble. That's all I ever do. It beats working for a living."
Hopkins Admits that despite his lofty credentials, he never shies away from appearing in giant summer popcorn movies. He says he's always followed the one piece of advice his father gave him: "Go where the money is."

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that! In fact it's kind of refreshing to hear a big name, highly respected Shakesperian thespian admit he's just in it for the money.

I just think it's funny that it's not just the audience who's flummoxed by the Transformers franchise. Even the people MAKING them don't understand what the hell's going on.
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 9: Empress Of Mars

June 13, 2017, 8:55 am
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This week's Doctor Who goes all Edgar Rice Burroughs on us, as our heroes encounter humans on Mars in the Victorian Era. Fortunately, Taylor Kitsch doesn't show up.

The episode is from frequent Who actor/writer Mark Gatiss. He'ss a very uneven writer, whose output is either just OK or downright awful, yet somehow he keeps on getting work. He previously wrote The Unquiet Dead (OK), The Idiot's Lantern (meh), Victory Of The Daleks (not bad), Night Terrors (yikes), Cold War (good), The Crimson Horror (meh), Robot Of Sherwood (OK) and Sleep No More (the one with the monsters made of eye boogers!). He's also starred in several episodes, including The Lazarus Experiment, Victory Of The Daleks, A Good Man Goes To War and The Wedding Of River Song.

Empress Of Mars was definitely a step up from the recent three-part Monks debacle. It feels very much like an old school Doctor Who story, as once again I could easily see this episode airing during the Tom Baker era.

There's way too much going on here though, as lots of ideas were shoehorned and crammed into an all-too brief episode. As a result, none of the concepts on display are given enough time to gel. For example, the Doctor brings up the notion that the humans here are the invaders, encroaching on Martian soil. And BOOM! That's it! The idea is never further examined, expanded upon, or even mentioned for the rest of the episode.

Better they should have shortened the Monk storyline and expanded this one into two episodes!

On the plus side, it's always good to see the Ice Warriors in action, and this episode gave us a bit more info on their culture and society.

Not much Nardole this week, as the TARDIS shanghais him away from the action for most of the episode. In fact the TARDIS becomes the engine that drives the entire plot, which is something I hope they tone down quickly.

Missy comes to the Doctor's rescue at the end, as she continues her campaign to convince him she's turned over a new leaf. I still don't buy her change of heart for a minute.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
In the present day, the Doctor, Bill and Nardole show up at NASA to witness a momentous event, as the Valkyrie probe is about to scan the Martian ice caps for the first time. The probe beams back an image of the pole, showing the words "God Save The Queen" spelled out on the Martian surface. Cue stinger and opening credits!

The Doctor and Co. then travel to Mars in the year 1881, which the TARDIS says is when the message was made (give or take a day or two). Nardole detects life forms under the surface, so he, the Doctor, Bill don spacesuits and investigate. Oddly enough, they spot a campfire in an underground cavern (?) and realize there's breathable oxygen there. No one explains why the Martian gravity appears to be the same as Earth's though.

Bill wanders off and falls into a deep shaft. The Doctor sends Nardole back to the TARDIS to get ropes and climbing equipment (?). Nardole does what he's told, and once he's inside, for some reason the TARDIS takes off on its own, kidnapping him and stranding the Doctor and Bill on another planet in the past.

Bill comes to and finds an elevator. Suddenly it opens and a terrifying figure in a steampunk spacesuit exits. The figure removes its helmet, revealing a human face underneath. Meanwhile, the Doctor spots an Ice Warrior, the indigenous species on Mars. It heads toward him menacingly until he gives it a traditional Ice Warrior greeting.

Back on present day Earth, the TARDIS materializes in the Doctor's office. Nardole tries to pilot it back to Mars, but it refuses to budge. Despite the fact that he knows how dangerous Missy is, he goes to the Vault and seeks her help. She says (through the door) that she'd be happy to help, but he'll need to free her first. Despite the fact that for decades Nardole's insisted that the Doctor not leave her unguarded for even a second, he actually considers letting her out...

In 1881 Mars, the Doctor and Bill find themselves guests of a group of British soldiers from the Victorian era, led by Colonel Godsacre. They explain that they found a crashed spaceship in the South African veldt. Inside they found an injured Ice Warrior (who they named Friday, after the Robinson Crusoe character). He asked for their help to patch up his ship, though what help Victorian soldiers could possibly be in repairing space technology is left to our imaginations. In exchange for their assistance, Friday offered to take them to Mars where they can mine it for its vast mineral wealth. Once there, he even helps them build a powerful laser cannon with which to blast the caverns.

The Doctor realizes there are no jewels on Mars, and Friday's using the soldiers to help uncover his hive. He voices his concerns to the Colonel, but Captain Catchlove refuses to believe him. Just then the soldiers use the laser to uncover a large cavern. Inside they find a large sarcophagus, which the Doctor says houses the body of the Ice Queen, leader of the Ice Warriors. Godsacre posts a couple of guards— Jackdaw and Vincey— at the entrance to the tomb, with orders to let no one near it until he figures out what to do.

That night Jackdaw decides to pry some of the large jewels off the sarcophagus, dreaming of riches. For some reason, disturbing the gems causes the Ice Queen to wake up. She kills Jackdaw with a wrist-mounted weapon that compresses him into a small cube (!). 

Friday approaches his Queen, whose name is Iraxxa, and tells her they've overslept by five thousand years, and the planet's now barren and lifeless. Just then the rest of the soldiers enter, along with the Doctor and Bill. A deadly battle seems imminent, as both sides poise to attack.

The Doctor appeals to Iraxxa, telling her that the Ice Warriors can't possibly survive on the surface without help (isn't that what their exosuits are for?), and suggests the two sides work together. Iraxxa notices Bill, and asks her what she thinks as a woman. She says the Doctor's not lying. 

Suddenly one of the troops accidentally fires, hitting Iraxxa's helmet. She returns fire, killing several more men. The Doctor tells Godsacre to retreat, but Catchlove refuses. He reveals that Godsacre is a traitor and coward, and assumes command. He traps Friday and Iraxxa in the tomb, and locks up the Doctor, Bill and Godsacre in a makeshift brig.

Godsacre explains that he was arrested and tried for desertion and cowardice, and sentenced to hang. For some reason the hanging didn't work (?), and he was able to escape and somehow resume command. Catchlove was the only one who knew his shameful past.

Inside the tomb, Iraxxa awakens an army of long-dormant Ice Warriors. They break through the tomb entrance and attack the soldiers. An Ice Warrior breaks through the ground inside the brig, and rises from the ground. Turns out it's Friday, who wants to form an alliance with the Doctor.

Friday frees them from the brig, and the Doctor runs to the laser drill, while Godsacre flees in terror. Just as Iraxxa is about to execute them all, the Doctor points out to her that he has the laser aimed at the roof. If she doesn't stand down, he'll fire and bring millions of tons of ice and rock down on their heads. 

Catchlove then grabs Iraxxa and holds a knife to her throat, threatening to kill her if she doesn't help him pilot Friday's ship back to Earth. Suddenly Godsacre reappears and executes Catchlove for treason. He then begs Iraxxa to kill him. She's impressed by the fact that he coldly executed one of his own, and says she'll call off the attack if he pledges himself to the Ice Warriors. Amazingly, he agrees.

The Doctor then tells Iraxxa he sent out a "cosmic email," and it won't be long before a space-faring race picks it up and offers to help the Ice Warriors. Sure enough, a few minutes later, Alpha Centauri, an alien who first appeared in 1972's The Curse Of Peladon, answers the call and welcomes the Ice Warriors to the Galactic Federation.

Alpha asks for some kind of physical marker to help them land. The Doctor, Bill and Godsacre then spell out "God Save The Queen" on the Martian surface (!).

The TARDIS then reappears, and when the Doctor enters he finds Nardole AND Missy inside. He tells her this can't be, and she'll have to go back to her Vault. She says fine, but then worriedly asks, "Are you all right?"

Thoughts:
• We've seen in past episodes (of the modern series, at least) that the TARDIS possesses a level of sentience and often takes the Doctor "not where he wants to go, but where he needs to be."

Never has that been more true than in this episode! This week the TARDIS ends up driving the entire plot. It brings the Doctor and Bill to Mars at exactly the right moment in time, resulting in the Ice Warriors fulfilling their destiny to join the Galactic Federation. It then takes it upon itself to hijack Nardole back to Earth and refuses to budge, knowing he'll be forced to turn to Missy for help, for reasons known only to it. 

And to top it all off, the TARDIS neatly closes up a causality loop, making sure the Doctor writes "God Save The Queen" on the Martian surface. The exact same message he saw at the beginning of the episode!

The problem with a sentient, self-sufficient TARDIS is it opens up a very large can of worms. For example, there've been many, many stories over the years in which the Doctor found himself physically separated from the TARDIS, and had to rely on his wits to get himself out of a deadly situation. But if the TARDIS is capable of materializing itself around the Doctor and rescuing him whenever he's in trouble, then that torpedoes any and all tension from now on. He'll never be in any danger again if his trusty time machine can whisk him away any time it wants.

A TARDIS that can come to the rescue on its own becomes an even bigger writing crutch than the sonic screwdriver, with its ever-expanding list of functions.

• So why did the TARDIS run off with Nardole this week? Does it have some sort of agenda known only to it? Or could Missy somehow be secretly influencing it, and it's actions are all part of an elaborate escape plan?

• Once again Doctor Who muddies the waters regarding just how the TARDIS works. At the beginning of the episode we see it physically hurtling toward Mars, but then a few seconds later it materializes on the planet's surface.

So which is it? Does it fly from one place to another and land, or does it just fade out of one location and into another? The answer is apparently both/neither. It does whatever's convenient to the script.

• For the first half of the season, Nardole clucked like an old mother hen anytime the Doctor left the Vault unguarded. This week he willingly accompanies the Doctor to NASA and even Mars, with nary a complaint. I guess he finally gave up on the idea?

• I really liked the steampunk spacesuit the Victorian soldiers wore in this episode. They looked like they'd been adapted from old-time diving suits and helmets. The tiny Victrola-like speaker on the side was a nice touch.

• Speaking of spacesuits, the TARDIS' wardrobe must have quite an extensive collection of them. These black numbers worn by Team TARDIS this week are an all new design we've never seen before.

Compare that to the Tenth Doctor, who I'm pretty sure wore the same orange spacesuit all through his time on the show.

• Pearl Mackie as Bill must have been paid by the movie reference this week, as she mentions The Terminator, The Thing and even The Vikings. The Doctor gets into the act as well, referencing Frozen, along with the most famous line from the Star Wars franchise.

• Kudos to whoever did the makeup and costumes for the Ice Warriors this week. Especially the Empress— her scaly skin and mouth full of disturbing, pointy teeth were suitably terrifying.

• There was a very nice touch in the episode that went by almost unnoticed. Friday tells the Doctor that he returned to Mars because he's old, tired and spent. He then knocks a saucer off the table and instantly catches it in his claw before it falls an inch, revealing he's definitely lying about his abilities.

• Last week in The Lie Of The Land, the Monks had a room filled with viewscreens that displayed various important events and figures from human history. One of the screens featured an image of the REAL Winston Churchill, and not Ian McNeice, the actor who played the Prime Minister several times in the series.

This week the Doctor mentions Queen Victoria, and we cut to a portrait of her. The painting is of actress Pauline Collins, who played the Queen back in 2006's Tooth And Claw. Interesting.

So why the inconsistency? Eh, it's understandable. In this episode the Doctor actually mentions Queen Victoria before we see the fictionalized version of her. So the audience is clued in as to who she's supposed to be, even if she doesn't look exactly like the real thing. 

In the case of Churchill, far more people know what the real deal looked like than they do the Doctor Who version. If they'd actually showed Ian McNeice on the Monks' monitor, the majority of the audience would have probably said, "Who the hell's that fat guy supposed to be?"

Some internal consistency would be nice though. Pick a version, real or fictionalized, and stick with it.

• The Ice Warrior's primary weapon, which can compress a man into a small, bundled cube, was hilarious and horrifying at the same time!

• When Jackdaw pries the jewels from Iraxxa's sarcophagus, he sings "It's the same the whole world over, it's the poor what gets the blame. It's the rich what gets the pleasure, ain't it all a bloomin' shame?"

This is the chorus from the song She Was Poor But She Was Honest. Trouble is, the song was written by Billy Bennett in 1930, and Jackdaw's a Victorian soldier from 1881. Whoops!

• At one point, Vincey, a black Victorian soldier, looks longingly at a photo of his fiance, who appears to be white. At first I assumed there's no way in hell something like that would have been permitted in the 1800s, and that this was another case of forced diversity trumping historical accuracy.

Turns out that's not the case! Believe it or not, interracial marriage was actually a thing in Britain from the 17th Century on. Mixed marriages weren't always completely accepted in British society, but there were no laws against them as there were in America.

By the way, as soon as Vincey started pining for his girlfriend, talking about getting married in the little church with the twisted spire down by the river, I knew he was as good as dead.

• When locked in the brig, the Doctor tries to open the door with his sonic screwdriver, but it's ineffective against anything made of wood. Frustrated, he cries, "Why is there still no setting for wood?"

Good question, Doc! It's been established that the various models of sonics are made by the TARDIS itself. So it can travel through time and space, but it can't create a sonic that can affect wood?

The sonic's wooden weakness was established back in 2008's Silence In The Library. I was sure it'd been mentioned before then, in the Classic Series, but I guess not.

By the way... where the hell did the soldiers get the materials to build a wooden jail cell door in the first place? I'm pretty sure there ain't no trees on Mars. And what were they burning in that campfire? Did they bring a supply of lumber with them on the ship? Whoops!

• According to water Mark Gatiss, the character of Major Catchlove was named after a real person. Gatiss says he did a lot of research for the episode, and got the name from a history book by Stephanie Williams called Running The Show. The book mentions a Victorian soldier named Edward Napoleon Buonaparte Catchlove, who lived in the period when Empress Of Mars is set. Gatiss wisely shortened the name to Neville Catchlove for the episode.

• Near the end of the episode, Iraxxa wakes her army of Ice Warriors, who are hibernating in small chambers inside a vast cavern.

This is VERY reminiscent of the iconic scene of the Cybermen breaking out of their hibernation pods in 1967's The Tomb Of The Cyberman. In fact the scene in Empress Of Mars is so similar it had to be a deliberate homage to that earlier moment.

• So what was up with the giant eyeball at the end of the episode that welcomed the Ice Warriors to the universe?

That was Alpha Centauri, who in this case isn't a star system, but an old-school character who first appeared in 1972's The Curse Of Peladon. In that episode, Alpha Centauri was a delegate for a Galactic Federation, which included two Ice Warriors!

Actress Ysanne Churchman played Alpha Centauri back in 1972. Amazingly, the show managed to bring her back here to reprise the role!

Many fans have mocked the "ridiculous look" of Alpha Centauri over the years, citing it as a low point in Doctor Who makeup technology. Eh, it doesn't bother me. The episode was made in 1972 on a minuscule BBC TV budget, so what the hell do people expect?

I'm not sure exactly when The Curse Of Peladon takes place, but I'm assuming it was most likely the "present day" of 1972, when it was aired. If that's true, then the Alpha Centauri we see here in 1881 is either very long-lived (which, as an alien, is possible) or an ancestor with the same name as the one in The Curse Of Peladon.

• This Week's Best Lines:
Bill: "Maybe someone's been messing around with time. Like in The Terminator."
The Doctor: "The Terminator?"
Bill: "It's a movie. You haven't seen it?"
The Doctor: "I'm a very busy man."
Bill:"Well, you'd like it. It's got killer robots."
The Doctor: "Oh, I'll put it on the list."

Bill:"Oh, it's like the underground tunnels in The Thing."
The Doctor:"The what?"
Bill:"It's a movie.You'd like that one too. Everyone dies."
(SPOILERS, Bill!)Bill: "Even if there are people here, why would they bother writing messages on the surface of the planet?"
The Doctor:"State visit? Patriotic fervour? Rogue graffiti artist?"

Catchlove: (looking at the Doctor's psychic paper) "So, according to this you’ve been on board Friday’s ship the whole time?"
The Doctor:"Yes. We were That sounds... that sounds..."
Bill: "Convincing."
The Doctor: "Yes, that’s right. On his ship."
Catchlove: "Well, I suppose it was pretty roomy, what!"
The Doctor:"Yes! It was!"
Bill: Yes.:
The Doctor: "Wasn’t it? Very roomy. Yes."
(This scene makes me laugh, as it's so blatantly obvious the Doctor and Bill are winging it here)

Godsacre: "Mars is dead. Dead as a coffin nail. Friday is the last of his kind."
The Doctor:"Is he now?"

The Doctor: "The Ice Warriors, they could build a city under the sand yet drench the snows of Mars with innocent blood. They could slaughter whole civilisations, yet weep at the crushing of a flower."
(Nice to see an enemy race that does something besides shriek "EXTERMINATE" over and over!)

The Doctor: "This is the tomb of an Ice Queen. I have a bad feeling about this."
(The Doctor may not have heard of The Terminator, but apparently he's a Star Wars fan)

The Doctor: "The sooner you get off this planet, the better!"
Catchlove: "Don’t belong?! We’re British! Mars is part of the empire now!"
(Good luck maintaining a supply line to it!)

Friday:"He speaks the truth, Majesty. The war, all that we fought for, is less than the dust now."
Iraxxa: "And you! Female. What do you say?"
Bill: "Me?"
Iraxxa: "We are both surrounded by noisy males. I would value your opinion."
Bill: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Er, they’re not lying to you."

Iraxxa: "You ask for mercy for these creatures?"The Doctor:"Indeed."
Iraxxa: "Then I grant it."
The Doctor: "Thank you."
Iraxxa: "They will die quickly!"

The Doctor:"Look, it doesn’t matter who’s in charge of your stupid expedition! You don’t stand a chance against the Ice Warriors!"
Catchlove:"What, all two of ‘em?"
The Doctor: "There’ll be more, you idiot! The Hive is active. Don’t you see? They’ll do anything to defend their home planet."
Catchlove: "Well, I dare say the British Army is more than a match for a bunch of upright crocodiles!"

The Doctor: (trapped in the brig) "There’s no setting for wood! Why is there still no setting for wood?"
Bill:"But you’ve got a plan?"
The Doctor:"Yes, of course, I’ve got a plan. I’m all plans. I’m MADE of plans!

Godsacre:"Who the deuce are you two, really? You speak of us as though we’re a different species. You seem to know all about these these... Ice Warriors.You seem to know a lot about most things."
Bill:"Well, we’re sort of police."
The Doctor: "Speak for yourself!"
Godsacre: "Ha ha ha!" 
Bill:"What, you can deal big green Martians and and rocket ships, but you can’t deal with us being the police?"
Godsacre: "No, no, no, no, no It’s just such a fanciful notion. A woman in the police force!"
Bill:"Listen, yeah, I’m going to make allowances for your Victorian attitudes because well, you actually are Victorian. But anyway!"

Bill:"How’s it looking out there?"
The Doctor: "All quiet. It’s traditional, at this point, to say, 'too quiet."

The Doctor: (to Iraxxa) "One good blast from the Gargantua here and your army would be on ice forever. Trapped in an eternal winter like... like Frozen! It’s a movie."

Iraxxa: "You would destroy yourself at the same time!"
The Doctor: "That’s a price worth paying, isn’t it? It’s a simple choice, Iraxxa, the oldest one in the book. We must live together. Or die together."

Bill: (after Iraxxa agrees to call off her attack) "You knew that would happen."
The Doctor: "Always been my problem."
Bill:"What?"
The Doctor: "Thinking like a warrior."

The Doctor:"Mars is dead, but the Ice Warriors will live on."
Bill:"Will they make it?"
The Doctor: "Oh, yes. In fact, this might be the beginning of the Martian Golden Age."
(The Doctor's obviously been watching his old adventures on Netflix)

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Separated At Birth: Grant Gustin & John Mulaney

June 14, 2017, 6:38 am
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Something I noticed recently:

On The Flash, it's been established that main character Barry Allen (aka Grant Gustin) is an only child.

I was thinking though that if the producers ever want to do a storyline in which Barry discovers he has a long-lost older brother, they could do a lot worse than to hire writer/actor/comedian John Mulaney to play the elder Allen sibling.

Look at 'em! They're practically identical!

I have to confess, I'd never even heard of Mulaney until a week or so ago (my duties as CEO here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld keep me VERY busy). I saw him on YouTube and my first thought was, "Why's Grant Gustin doing standup now?"
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It Came From The Cineplex: ALIEN: Covenant

June 14, 2017, 9:35 am
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ALIEN: Covenant was written by John Logan and Dante Harper, with "story by" credit by Jack Paglen and Michael Green. It was directed by Ridley Scott.

Logan is a VERY uneven screenwriter, who previously wrote Bats, Any Given Sunday, Gladiator, The Time Machine,Star Trek: Nemesis, Sinbad: Legend Of The Seven Seas, The Last Samurai, The Aviator, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street, Rango, Coriolanus, Hugo, Skyfall, Spectre and Genius. Whew!

Harper has worked extensively in Hollywood as a production manager, and has exactly one writing credit under his belt— this one!

Paglen previously wrote Transcendence, and that's about it. Green has worked mostly in TV, but also wrote Green Lantern and Logan. Talk about a checkered career!

Ridley Scott is of course a prolific and VERY esoteric director, who previously helmed The Duelists, ALIEN, Blade Runner, Legend, Someone To Watch Over Me, Black Rain, Thelma & Louise, 1482: Conquest Of Paradise, White Squall, G.I. Jane, Gladiator, Hannibal, Black Hawk Down, Matchstick Men, Kingdom Of Heaven, A Good Year, American Gangster, Body Of Lies, Robin Hood, Prometheus, The Counselor, Exodus: Gods And Kings and The Martian.

ALIEN: Covenant is of course a sequel to Prometheus, and yet another prequel to the ALIEN Quadrology.

I have an odd love/hate relationship with this franchise. I like ALIEN a lot, and I absolutely love ALIENS. It's one of my all-time favorite movies, and I've probably seen it fifty times. 

After that things take a turn for the worse. I've never watched ALIEN 3 and never will, due to the shoddy way it disposed of Newt, Hicks and Bishop. I strongly feel the characters deserved a better fate than to be killed— offscreen and in their sleep, yet— before the movie even began. I wasn't thrilled with ALIEN: Resurrection either, and absolutely hatedPrometheus (even though I gave it a B in my review of it several years ago— I'm working toward being harder on mediocre movies). Sadly, ALIEN: Covenant hasn't changed my attitude toward the series. In my mind the first ALIEN and ALIENS are the only two films in the franchise. All the other movies are nothing more than elaborate, non-canon fan fiction.

Despite the fact that I didn't care for Prometheus, I recently rewatched it to refresh my memory before seeing the new film. Oddly enough I didn't hate it quite as much on second viewing. I still don't particularly like it, but I kind of see what Scott was going for, and I appreciate the fact that he at least tried something different with the film instead of simply rehashing ALIEN for a fourth time.

Unfortunately, that "trying something different" is what made Prometheus so divisive among fans. Half of them liked the bold new direction, while the other half loudly complained that it didn't look and feel like an ALIEN movie. Both camps had a point!

If Scott had simply made a brand new sci-fi story about the extraterrestrial Engineers and the origins of man that had no ties to the ALIEN universe, Prometheus would have been much more successful, and viewers wouldn't have sat there complaining, "Yeah, yeah, this is all very interesting, but when are we gonna see some xenomorphs?"

I'm convinced that Scott took all the Prometheus criticism to heart and attempted a course correction with ALIEN: Covenant. Heck, all you have to do is look at the title for proof of that! Gone are the lofty questions about the origins of man, the nature of life and the search for answers, replaced instead with safe, familiar tropes like deadly aliens and lots of running through dark spaceship corridors.

This dumbed-down, rehashed approach is the most annoying and infuriating thing about Covenant, as it renders Prometheus completely moot. Seriously, there's now absolutely no point in ever watching Prometheus again!

OK, to recap for those of you who've forgotten or never seen the film, Prometheus tells us that millions of years ago, a race of giant blue aliens called Engineers came to Earth and jumpstarted all life here.

Cut to the near future, where Dr. Elizabeth Shaw discovers cave paintings featuring a map to the an Engineer planet, which she sees as an invitation to come pay them a visit when we're able.

Shaw convinces trillionaire Peter Weyland to mount an expedition to the planet, called LV-223. There they find a large structure filled with containers full of black goo. This goo infects several crew members, causing deadly lifeforms to erupt from their bodies. 

Shaw and David the android discover an Engineer who's still alive, who plans to take a ship full of goo back to Earth to wipe out humanity. Fortunately she and David are able to stop him and save the day. At the end of the film, the two of them take off in search of the Engineer Homeworld, to personally ask them why they created and then tried to kill us.

Thanks to Covenant, that "Search For Answers" plotline in Prometheus is now a dead end, which will never explored or resolved. Even worse, Elizabeth Shaw was apparently killed offscreen prior to the new film. So we all sat through Prometheus for absolutely nothing. Thanks, Ridley Scott!
Structurally, Covenant is a mess. It shares the same problem as all prequels— there's no reason for it to exist (other than money), as it over-explains things that didn't need explaining, and de-mystifies the mythology. The xenomorph in ALIEN was legitimately terrifying. Unfortunately the The more we find out about them and their backstory, the less frightening they are. It's called fear of the unknown.

Apart from the android twins David and Walter, there's not a single interesting or compelling character in the film. The only one that comes close to standing out at all is Daniels, who comes off as a Ripley 2.0 (or I guess 1.0, since this is a prequel). But even in her case, we find out precious little about her, other than that she's a badass.

The rest of the cast are completely forgettable ciphers, existing only so they can be killed. In fact I wonder why the screenwriters bothered to give them names. They might as well be called Victim #1, Meatbag #3 and so on.

Covenant is not a movie so much as it's a highlight reel of the previous films. It's ALIEN'S Greatest Hits. It freely and shamelessly borrows the best bits from all over the franchise, cobbling them together into a Franken-film. It even liberally borrows elements from Jerry Goldsmith's iconic score from ALIEN! I'm not making that up either, as it's confirmed in the end credits.

Unfortunately it seems (for now) to step on previously established continuity, and raises more questions than it answers. This is just going to end up pissing off fans of the earlier films, like myself.

Please, for the love of god, somebody stop Ridley Scott before he directs again. He's flushing the ALIEN franchise right down the crapper, with no end in sight. In fact, earlier this year in an interview with the Sydney Morning Herald, Scott claims he has ideas for SIX more ALIEN prequels after this one! SIX! That would put the total number of prequels to the original film at eight! That's insane.

This situation reminds me of "the talk" that all adult children eventually have to have with their elderly parents. You know, the one in which they have to take away their car keys and tell them they can no longer drive. Ridley Scott's kids need to take his director's megaphone away from him, and tell him it's time to stop ruining the ALIEN movies.

So far the film's underperforming here in the States, grossing just $71 million against its $97 million budget. It's done a bit better overseas, where it's raked in $110 million, for a total of $181 million. That's about the break even point, but I honestly don't see it making much more than that, especially with a dozen more summer blockbusters waiting in the wings.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin with a pre-Prometheus prologue, in which Peter Weyland (played by Guy Pearce), trillionaire founder of the Weyland/Yutani Corporation, activates the newly created android David (played by Michael Fassbender). This is the same David that will eventually wreak havoc in Prometheus, the previous film. Weyland says that one day he and David will search the stars to find mankind's creator. David wonders why he has to defer to puny humans, since he's immortal and they're not (uh-oh). He begins thinking he should serve whoever or whatever created mankind. Weyland angrily tries to shut down this dangerous line of thinking.

Years later in 2104, the USCSS Covenant is heading for the planet Origae-6 to start a colony there. The ship has a crew of fifteen, all of whom are in hypersleep. Also on board are two thousand frozen colonists, along with several thousand freeze-dried embryos which will be grown once they reach their destination. They're all cared for by Walter, an android of the same series as David, who looks exactly like him (Plot Point!).

Walter quietly tends to the ship and dormant crew for seven years, with the help of MU.TH.UR., aka "MOTHER," the ship's computer. Suddenly the Convenant's hit by a violent neutrino burst from a nearby star, causing major damage. Walter wakes the crew from hypersleep to help deal with the crisis. Unfortunately Captain Branson's cryotube is damaged and bursts into flames. He roasts alive inside the tube (!), much to the horror of his wife and second in command, Daniels (played by Katherine Waterston). The crew gets the ship back under control, but are saddened that forty seven of the frozen colonists were killed in the accident.

Command then falls to First Officer Oram (played by Billy Crudup), a highly religious, yet extremely unsure man. The crew has a short funeral for Branson before shooting his body into outer space. This irritates Oram, who for some reason forbid the crew from holding a service. The grieving Daniels confides in Walter, telling him that she and Branson planned to build a log cabin together when they got to Origae-6 (Another Plot Point!). She takes a nail they planned to use to build the cabin and makes a pendant out of it (which makes this Chekov's Nail).

Oram and Tennessee (played by Danny McBride), the ship's pilot, go on a spacewalk to repair the exterior damage. Tennessee picks up a faint distress signal, recognizing it as a human voice singing John Denver's Country Road. They trace the signal to a nearby planet, which scans indicate may be more hospitable than their actual destination (?). 

Against all logic and reason, Oram makes the incredibly reckess decision to divert the colony ship from its predetermined route and investigate the planet. Daniels protests (and rightly so), but is overruled, as no one wants to get back in the cryochambers and risk getting fried like Branson (!).

The ship arrives at the uncharted planet a few weeks later. Tennessee, Ricks and Upworth (don't bother trying to remember the names of these barely introduced characters) stay in orbit on the Covenant while the rest of the crew takes the one and only dropship down to the planet. They stupidly waltz off the ship without any protective gear whatsoever. As they walk through a lush field, they notice it's filled with wheat plants from Earth, and wonder how such a thing's possible. Daniel's points out that the planet's eerily quiet, as there are no animal or insect lifeforms to be found anywhere.

As they continue exploring, Ledward, a member of the security team, steps on a cluster of mushroom-like plants, causing alien spores to spew into the air. They fly around like cartoon bees and zoom right into his ear, infecting him. He stays behind to guard Oram's wife Karine, who takes samples of the local flora.

The crew then spots a crashed, horseshoe-shaped Engineer spaceship at the top of a mountain. They climb up to the ship and enter through a hole punched in the hull. As they wander around the interior of the ship, Daniels finds a set of dog tags labelled Dr. E. Shaw (the heroine of Prometheus). They also find her automatic distress signal and shut it off. Hallet is infected by additional spores that fly up his nose. Too bad these people didn't have some kind of... oh, I dunno... spacesuits to protect them from this sort of thing.

Ledward becomes violently ill from his spore infection, and Karine rushes him back to the dropship. She takes him to the medbay (that is one well-equipped dropship) for treatment. He becomes increasingly worse, until utimately a neomorph bursts from his back. Faris sees this and immediately seals the medbay, locking Karine inside with the creature. Karine pleads with Faris to let her out, but she refuses. The neomorph attacks Karine, and she fights it off for a while before it overpowers and kills her.

The neomorph easily breaks out of the medbay and starts scuttling all over the ship. Faris grabs a gun and shoots at it, accidentally hitting a rack of flammable tanks. The tanks explode, killing her and completely destroying the dropship (!). Somehow the neomorph escapes. The rest of the crew return just in time to see their ride go up in flames. Suddenly another neomorph explodes from Hallet's throat and disappears into the brush.

The two neomorphs grow up fast, and begin attacking the surviving crew. Ankor is killed, and Walter saves Daniels by jamming his left hand down a neomorph's throat. Unfortunately its acid blood burns off his left hand. The crew manages to kill one of the neomorphs, while the other's scared away by Obi-Wan Kenobi, er, I mean a mysterious, hooded figure. Gosh, I wonder who it could be?

Having no other choice— since amazingly there was only one dropship on the Convenant— the survivors follow the hooded figure. He leads them through a ruined city littered with hundreds of Engineer corpses. They enter a temple and the figure removes its hood. To absolutely no one's surprise, it turns out to be David, whose head was apparently reattached to his body sometime after the events of Prometheus. He assures them they're safe inside the temple.

Daniels asks David what happened to the city. He explains that he and Elizabeth Shaw arrived on the planet ten years ago in their borrowed Engineer horseshoe ship. Unfortunately the ship's cargo of black goo was somehow "accidentally" released over the city, destroying the populace. For some reason, the ship then crashed on the mountaintop, killing Shaw and leaving David the only inhabitant of the planet. Sure, sounds believable to me.

Daniels radios the Covenant, but they can't land the ship due to a massive and intense storm in the area (which we inexplicably never see on the surface). In the temple, David chats with Walter, who's sort of his descendent. David's surprised and upset that Walter isn't programmed with an imagination. Walter says that humans were freaked out by the David series' capacity for creative thought and removed it in subsequent models like himself. David then tries to teach Walter to play the flute, which isn't the least bit sexually suggestive at all.

Rosenthal is separated from the group and decapitated by the surviving neomorph. David discovers her body, and tries communicating with the alien. Oram walks in, sees what's going on and kills the neomorph, angering David. Oram demands to know what's really going on, and David reveals that for the past ten years he's been experimenting with the black goo, attempting to genetically engineer a perfect new species— the xenomorphs.

He takes Oram down to an underground chamber, filled with the familiar eggs from ALIEN. One of the eggs opens, and Oram stupidly sticks his head right over it, as a facehugger flies out and implants an embryo in him. A chestburster erupts from his body a few minutes later.

David tries to turn Walter to his side, telling them that humanity is an inferior species that should be wiped out. When Walter disagrees, David violently stabs him in the neck with his flute, causing him to spew milky white fluid from his wound, which, once again isn't the least bit sexually suggestive at all. Walter seemingly "dies," and David leaves. A closeup reveals Walter's neck wound slowly healing itself...

The security team comes to investigate Oram's disappearance, and Lope is attacked by another facehugger. Cole cuts it off him, but its acid blood severely burns Lope's face in the process. Cole's killed by a now full-sized xenomorph (that apparently grew to adulthood in a matter of two minutes), as Lope limps the hell out of there.

Meanwhile, Tennessee's wringing his hands back the Covenant, worried about his wife Faris (who he doesn't know is dead) and the rest of the crew. He overrides MOTHER's safety protocols and takes the ship down into the storm in an effort to reestablish communications.

Daniels wanders into David's chamber of horrors, and sees drawings he made of Shaw's disemboweled body. She realizes Shaw didn't die in the crash after all, and David killed her. She confronts him, and he admits he experimented on Shaw's body. David attacks Daniels, who stabs him in the throat with her nail pendant. David shrugs off the injury and pulls out the nail. He attacks Daniels again, but she's saved by the timely appearance of Walter, who, being a more advanced model of android, managed to heal himself.

Walter and David have a brutal battle, as Daniels flees the temple. She and the injured Lope manage to contact the Covenant, which is being buffeted by the dangerous storm (that we still can't see on the surface). Tennessee doesn't dare lower the ship any farther, but Daniels suggests flying the sturdy cargo sled down to the surface.

Daniels and Lope rush out to the landing area to wait for rescue. They're joined by Walter, who apparently "killed" David while we weren't looking. Never mind that no director with an ounce of sanity would ever allow a villain to be killed offscreen— this is really Walter! He's missing his left hand and everything!

Tennessee flies the sled down to the surface, and the three leap onto it. As it's about to take off, a xenomoprh climbs on as well. It tries to smash its head through the sled's cockpit to get to Tennessee, but Daniels manages to grab it with the claws of a crane (cough power loader cough), perfectly recreating the "Get away from her you BITCH" moment from ALIENS. She manages to crush the xenomorph and fling it into the air, as the sled rockets back into space.

Back on the Covenant, the survivors recover and prepare to resume course to Origae-6. Unfortunately they find Lope's been killed by a chestburster, meaning there's now an adult xenomorph on board. The creature kills Ricks and Upworth while they're in the shower, as the movie decides to try and remake ALIEN in its final fifteen minutes. Daniels and Tennessee lure it into the terraforming bay. Daniels locks it inside a large utility vehicle, which she then jettisons out the airlock (Wow, blasting a xenomorph into space? Never seen that before!).

The crisis averted, Daniels and Tennessee (the only surviving members of the crew) climb into their cryochambers. As Walter's tucking Daniels in, she mentions the cabin she and her late husband planned to build on Origae-6. Walter doesn't know what she's talking about, and Daniels realizes he's actually David, in the LEAST surprising plot twist of all time. She's horrified when she realizes what David will do to the two thousand frozen colonists on board, and begins shrieking and pounding on the cryochamber lid before it puts her back to sleep.

David goes to the hypersleep bay and observes his new frozen test subjects. He vomits up two facehugger embryos (?) and places them into cold storage. He (as Walter) makes a log entry, noting that all crew members except Daniels and Tennessee were killed in the neutrino blast (??).

Thoughts:
• As long-time readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld all know by now, I hate it when a "futuristic" movie is filled with all sorts of high-tech gadgetry and is set in a society radically different from out own— and then takes place in the far off year of 2030.

ALIEN: Covenant is one to these films, as it's set just eighty seven short years from now. I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE you there's no way in hell we'll have terraforming, colony ships, warp drives or androids indistinguishable from humans by that point. Hell, even if they started today, it would take NASA twenty years or more to send a manned ship back to our own Moon. And a Mars mission is even farther away.

Would it have killed them to have set the story three or four hundred years from now?

• James Franco has an uncredited role as Captain Branson, who dies in a horrific fire inside a cryotube within the first five minutes of the film. Actually it's impossible to tell it's Franco or anyone else during the death scene.

He shows up briefly again a bit later, as Daniels watches a video of him mountain climbing.

So why would the producers go to the trouble of casting a recognizable actor for such a short and distracting cameo? Welp, it's because Franco's role was originally a bit bigger, but was cut for time. You can see more of him in an online-only "prologue" called Last Supper.

By the way, when Daniels watches the video of Branson mountain climbing, it's impossible not to think of Franco in 124 Hours.

• Speaking of the cryotubes, why is it even possible to be incinerated inside one? Aren't they supposed to freeze you? Why's there anything incendiary in there?

• The movie goes out of its way to point out that Oram is an "extremely religious" man, implying this is a rarity in the future. Yet when the crew wants to hold a short memorial service for Captain Branson, Oram forbids it, saying there are more important duties to perform.

If he's so damned religious, why would he object to a funeral service? You'd think he'd have been the first one to suggest it, so he could get out his Bible and start thumping it!

• As everyone knows by now, every movie in the ALIEN franchise tells the exact same story over and over— people find aliens, aliens kill people, lady kills alien and survives. In an effort to lessen this repetition a bit, each film has featured a different group of victims, er, I mean characters.

ALIEN: Space Truckers
ALIENS: Space Marines
ALIEN 3: Prisoners
ALIEN Resurrection: Mercenaries
Prometheus: Scientists
ALIEN: Covenant: Colonists

Not a nitpick, just an observation.

• It's kind of disheartening to see people smoking in this movie. Surely by 2104 humanity will have wised up and kicked that filthy habit? On the other hand, smoking was still rampant in ALIENS as well, which was set in 2179. I guess people never learn.

• The crew picks up Shaw's automated distress signal, and discovers it's coming from a relatively nearby planet. After scanning the planet, Oram says it looks more promising than their destination of Origae-6, and wants to divert the ship there.

No. NO! Absolutely not! Bad movie! BAD! Go to your room, Ridley Scott, and don't come out until you're ready to direct something that's not so stupid.

The Covenant's mission is not something that was slapped together overnight. It no doubt required years of planning and research. Scientists studied hundreds, maybe thousands of planets, and designated Origae-6 as the best possible candidate for colonization. A crew was then chosen and trained for months, maybe years to prepare them for the conditions they'd encounter on that particular planet. Equipment was selected and loaded, based on the conditions they'd encounter on their new world. Then there's the fuel situation. We don't know exactly what powers the Covenant, but it's entirely possible it has just enough fuel to make it to Origae-6 and no farther.

And then Oram casually throws all that careful planning out the window by saying, "Hey guys, let's check out that completely unknown planet over there!"

This is something that would NEVER, EVER happen on any kind of expedition, and it was so monumentally stupid it actually made me angry there in my theater seat. Daniels should have declared him unfit for duty and assumed command right then and there.

• Why the hell is there only one dropship on the Covenant? That just seems like poor planning. They're millions of light years from Earth. If something happens to it, as it does here, they don't have a backup and there ain't anywhere to go for a replacement.

• I pointed this out several times in the plot, but it bears repeating. Over and over during the movie, we're told that the Covenant can't land on the planet's surface because there's a violent storm blanketing the area.

Yet whenever we cut to the surface of the planet, there's absolutely NO evidence of this. No wind, no thunder or lighting, no ominous clouds. Not even a single drop of rain. Chalk it up to bizarre alien weather that's invisible from the ground, I guess.

• Everyone and their dog has already pointed this out, but it bears repeating— after the dropship lands, the colonists all stupidly walk out and casually stroll around the planet with absolutely NO protective gear whatsoever. Not even so much as a cotton face mask. Wait, wait, strike that. They DO wear fetching little hats with a protective flap in back, so there you go. Safety first!

No one thinks to run any checks for hostile lifeforms, dangerous bacteria or harmful radiation. Naturally it isn't long before one of the crew members becomes infected by alien spores.

The crew in Prometheus acted like idiots as well, trying to pet alien cobra things and bringing potentially harmful organisms onboard their ship. Even so, they look like geniuses next to the Covenant staff.

To make matters even worse, we see they have a little wheeled drone that trundles down the ramp AFTER everyone's already disembarked. They could have easily sent this drone out in advance to have it test the air and see if protective gear was necessary or not. The thing's right there on the ship— why not use it?

Look, I get it. If they'd have used the drone, it would have detected the spores, they'd have said, "Let's get the hell out of here" and then the movie would have been over (if only). But surely there was a less clumsy and obvious way to jumpstart the plot.

• When Ledward steps on the extraterrestrial puffball, he releases a swarm of spores that form various geometric shapes as they fly through the air, before making a beeline for his nearest open orifice.

As they do so, it's impossible not to think of old cartoons featuring swarms of bees that form weapons and such.

• After Ledward's infected, an alien creature bursts from his back, rather than his chest, as is traditional in this films. SEE, GUYS? This movie's COMPLETELY different from ALIEN! It's got backbursters!

• How are the xenomorphs growing to adulthood so fast in this movie? Granted, the previous films have never given us a timetable for their life cycle, but it seems like it took a few hours at least to go from facehugger to chestburster to adult. In Covenant it seems like they're growing to full size in literally minutes.

• Credit where credits's due, ALIEN: Covenantlooks amazing, as all of Ridley Scott's films do. The David/Walter "twin" effects in particular were very well done. I just wish Scott put as much time into the story as he does his effects.

• David brags that he has the ability to imagine and create, which is something Walter doesn't have the capability to do. Walter explains that androids from the David series were a little too human, and made people uncomfortable. So the Walter series was deliberately designed to be more robot-like to avoid the "uncanny valley" effect.

This is the exact same plotline that was featured in the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode Datalore. In that episode, Data the android finds out he has an"older brother" named Lore, who acts much more naturally and can even experience emotions. Lore made the humans around him uncomfortable, so he was deactivated and the less-realistic Data was created as a substitute.

There's no doubt in my mind that Covenant stole this idea from Star Trek. It's so blatant it's actually shocking.

• After finding out that Walter isn't programmed with creativity, David attempts to teach him how to play the flute. As the lesson progresses, David slowly moves in closer and closer, gently guiding Walter's hand over the holes in the flute. Subtle!

This had to be the most obvious and downright WEIRD sex scene in cinema history. Flagrant doesn't even begin to describe it. If you've ever wanted to see Michael Fassbender shamelessly flirt with himself, this is the movie for you.

• At one point David takes Oram into his xenomorph birthing room, and shows him an alien egg. The top of the egg opens up, and Oram literally sticks his head down into it to get himself a better look at what's inside. Naturally a second later a facehugger springs out and wraps itself around his head (though it didn't have very far to spring).

This may have been the stupidest and most laughable scene in the entire franchise. I hope actor Billy Crudup was embarrassed at having to film it.

• At the end of the film, it's revealed that David actually switched places with Walter, in one of the most telegraphed "plot twists" I've ever seen.

Seriously, is there anyone who DIDN'T see this switch coming? The second that Walter got his hand burned off, I knew that would become a plot point, as it was an obvious way of identifying the identical androids from one another. Why hobble a character that way unless it was going to pay off somehow later on?

Later on David and Walter have an epic android on android battle. The movie turns its attention away from them for a bit, and then suddenly Walter appears, saying he "killed" David offscreen. It seems odd for a major character to die offscreen, but it must be true, as this is definitely Walter. After, all, he's missing his left hand! Eh? EH?

Then at the very end we find out that Walter is really David after all. To absolutely no one's surprise, he apparently burned off his own hand to imitate Walter so he could infiltrate the Convenant and continue his weirdo xenomorph experiments.

It was all so obvious. The movie has two identical characters, one good and one evil. Suddenly one disappears, and we're told he died offscreen. No movie would EVER do that, unless it was trying to set up a twist ending. It's Screenwriting 101. The most frustrating thing about it was how long it went on, to the point where the audience was practically yelling at the screen for the movie to reveal the twist already.

• By the way, it's established earlier in the film that David can't heal injuries, but Walter, being a later and more advanced model, can. Unless his hand gets burned off. I guess that's too big an injury for him to heal.

When David attacks Daniels, she stabs him in the chin with a nail. Later on when he's impersonating Walter, the chin wound is inexplicably gone.  Did David fill in the hole with putty?

• As I said earlier, ALIEN: Covenant plays out like the Greatest Hits of the franchise, borrowing elements from almost all the previous films. Amazingly, it even cribs a few things from Blade Runner, which was also directed by Ridley Scott.

The first third of the film, in which the crew lands on the planet, finds an alien ship and explores it, is practically a scene for scene remake of Prometheus.

The final fifteen or twenty minutes of the film are a condensed version of ALIEN, as a xenomorph gets loose on the ship. It kills several crew members before it's herded into a cargo bay and blasted into space.

The galley and dimly-lit corridors of the Covenant look amazingly like those of the Nostromo in ALIEN.

When the cargo sled lands, Daniels, Lope and Walter jump onto it. Unfortunately, so does a xenomorph. Daniels uses an industrial crane attached to the sled to fight the alien, ultimately grabbing it with a giant mechanical claw. This entire scene is lifted wholesale from the end of ALIENS.

This movie contains a scene where a toy bird drinking water is visable. In the opening scene of the original Alien (1979) there is another toy bird shown.

We see the xenomorph's point of view here, getting a glimpse of how they somehow see the world even though they don't have any visible eyes. This Alien POV is something that first appeared in ALIEN 3.

David tells Oram that the xenomorphs are the "perfect organism." This is exactly what the evil android Ash said about them in ALIEN.

David gives Walter a gentle kiss right before he stabs him. Roy Batty does the exact same thing to his creator Dr. Tyrell, right before he crushes his head in Blade Runner.

When David attacks Daniels, she stabs him in the throat with a large nail. David shrugs off the injury and says, "That's the spirit!" to her. This is the same line Roy Batty said during his fight with Deckard in Blade Runner.

• Sadly, ALIEN: Covenant raises far more questions than it bothers to answer. It's unclear at this point whether Ridley Scott just doesn't know the answers, or if he's saving them for the next film. Here are a few of the questions that came to mind while watching:

David arrives on the Engineer planet in his stolen horseshoe-shaped ship. For some reason, he then releases canisters of black goo onto the capitol (and only?) city, which kills the entire population of Engineers. Why does he kill them? Your guess is as good as mine.

Supposedly David is the one who single-handedly created the xenomorph species we all know and love by experimenting and cross-breeding the neomorphs. Just one question— where'd he get his test subjects? The species reproduces by infecting a host, much like a giant virus. David killed all the Engineers, so there were no hosts left. Did he somehow cross the neomorphs with each other?

Where does the xenomorph queen fit into all this? In ALIENS we saw that the queen is the one who lays the eggs. In Covenant, David somehow has an entire room full of eggs, but there's no queen to be seen anywhere. The queen wasn't in the original ALIEN, which was directed by Ridley Scott— she was invented for ALIENS by James Cameron and Stan Winston. Is Scott deliberately ignoring the queen?

One would assume the Covenant has various access codes and other security measures onboard. How's David gonna deal with those when he's impersonating Walter? Did he somehow upload Walter's codes before he killed him?

Back on board the Covenant, David puts Daniels and Tennessee into their cyrochambers. This makes sense, as he no doubt wants to use them as test subjects in his xenomorph experiments. But then he makes a log entry (as Walter) saying everyone but Daniels and Tennessee was killed in the neutrino blast. Why not say ALL the crew was killed? Does he think it would look suspicious if he said they all died? Plus, Daniels knows that David isn't really Walter now, so I can't imagine he'd let her live.

At the end of the film, David regurgitates two tiny facehugger embryos and places them in a freeze chamber for later experiments. Um... don't the facehuggers hatch from eggs? Did he break open a couple of eggs & swallow what was inside?

Since this is a prequel, the events of ALIEN haven't yet happened. Despite the fact that we just saw David seemingly wipe out the Engineer race, at some point in the future one of them HAS to crash a ship full of xenomorph eggs on LV-426, for the crew of the Nostromo to find. But if David is the one who created the eggs, where does the Engineer get a cargo hold full of them?

I'm told that the novelization and online articles clear up some of these nagging questions. I don't care. I shouldn't have to do homework in order to understand a goddamned movie. If the answers can't be found on the screen, then the director failed at his job.

ALIEN: Covenant is yet another of Ridley Scott's seemingly interminable prequels to the ALIEN franchise. Unfortunately, it completely torpedoes the lofty questions raised by its predecessor Prometheus, as it forgoes intellectualism for action. It's less a movie as it is a Greatest Hits reel of the entire series, and raises far more questions than it answers. Skip it and watch ALIEN or ALIENS instead. I give it a C+.

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Hail To The Chief?

June 15, 2017, 11:42 am
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It's been a while since I've posted anything about our Glorious Leader. In fact I've not said a peep about him since my embarrassingly profane (but admittedly cathartic) outburst back when he pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord.

The fact is the Nimrod-In-Chief has finally broken me. It's frankly exhausting even reading about him anymore, much less writing about his antics. So I've been taking a self-imposed break from even mentioning him. But I couldn't let this recent bizarre incident pass unnoticed...

This past Monday, Glorious Leader Trump held his first ever (?) cabinet meeting, in which he praised himself (of course). Said Trump of himself and his fantastic accomplishments:
"Never has there been a president, with few exceptions— case of FDR, he had a major depression to handle— who has passed more legislation and who has done more things than what we’ve done. We’ve been about as active as you can possibly be and at a just about record pace.”
Oy gevalt. Nice jab at FDR there too, by the way. Too bad he had that pesky Great Depression to deal with, else he too could have been as amazing as Trump.
Oddly enough, Trumpenstein then invited (read: demanded) his cabinet members also heap kudos on him. 

That's right, the grown-ass man who's somehow our president went around the table and asked each and every member of his staff to say something nice about him. 

Jesus wept.

Vice president Pencebot-3000 kicked off the love-in, saying:
“It is the greatest privilege of my life to serve as vice president. The president is keeping his word to the American people."
Tom Price, Secretary of Health And Human Services poured it on even thicker, stating:
“What an incredible honor it is to lead the Department of Health and Human Services at this pivotal time under your leadership. I can’t thank you enough for the privilege that you’ve given me, and the leadership you’ve shown.”
But it was Chief Of Staff and Slytherin House member Reince Priebus who really shoveled it deep, saying:
“On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing you’ve given us to serve your agenda and the American people, and we’re continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish those goals"
Stay down, lunch... you can do it. Just. Stay. Down.

The whole thing reminds me a lot of this. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

So what the hell is going on here? Is this laughable exercise just a sad old man's flailing attempt at trying to regain control of his administration? Or does it represent something more sinister?

The answer's "sinister." You probably already guessed that, didn't you?

This "Ring Of Accolades" was a tactic of the late Roy Cohn, who was Trump's mentor before he died of AIDS in 1986. 

Cohn was a controversial attorney who was Joseph McCarthy's right hand man during the Red Scare of the 1950s. He was also instrumental in convicting the Rosenbergs of espionage, and helped Nixon become president.

Cohn's clientele reads like a list of "Famous Trials Of The Century," as he represented Anthony "Fat Tony" Salerno, Claus von Bulow and even George Steinbrenner.

He also introduced Donald J. Trump to New York society and the world of politics. Cohn was famous, or I guess infamous, for believing that if you said something loudly and often enough, people would eventually believe it to be the truth.

Sound familiar?

Cohn would also host annual parties (at the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida!), in which he'd go around the table and demand his guests fawn and kowtow to him.

Again, sound familiar?

Trump was absolutely smitten with Cohn, calling him up to five times a day and taking his every nugget of advice to heart. Cohn often told anyone who'd listen, "I made Trump successful." Cohn was also disbarred from the legal profession for being "unethical and unprofessional," and "for particularly reprehensible conduct."

Yep! That all sounds mighty familiar!
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Use The Threat Of Legal Action, Luke!

June 19, 2017, 11:37 am
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Last month in an interview with Vanity Fair, actor Mark Hamill discussed the upcoming Star Wars sequel, The Last Jedi.

During the interview, Hamill made a troubling comment concerning Last Jedi director Rian Johnson and his plans for the iconic character of Luke Skywalker. Said Hamill:
“I at one point had to say to Rian, ‘I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for this character. Now, having said that, I have gotten it off my chest, and my job now is to take what you’ve created and do my best to realize your vision.”
Yikes! OK, it's impossible to know at this point just what plans Johnson has for the character. Plus it's normal for actors to quibble over a line or a scene. But for an actor to say they fundamentally disagree with every choice the director's made for their character is troubling, to say the least.

This week Hamill was interviewed again, and attempted to "clarify" his earlier statement. This time Hamill said:
"I got into trouble because… I was quoted as saying to Rian that 'I fundamentally disagree with everything you decided about Luke,' and it was inartfully phrased. What I was, was surprised at how he saw Luke. And it took me a while to get around to his way of thinking, but once I was there it was a thrilling experience."
Well. That's quite a piece of MarketSpeak® there, Hamill! Let's try running it through our handy "PR-to-English" translator, shall we? Here's what Mark Hamill's second statement REALLY meant:
“After careful consideration, and after Disney's vast cadre of attorney's threatened to tear me a new poodoo hole, is that I absolutely LOVE everything Rian Johnson has planned for my character! He's an exciting director with a singular vision and a compelling new take on the material, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be working for him! Be sure and see Disney's Star Wars: The Last Jedi, folks! Coming to a theater near you on December 15, 2017!"
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 10: The Eaters Of Light

June 20, 2017, 9:18 am
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This week on Doctor Who, we get a history lesson (in more ways than one) as the season barrels to an all-too soon close. Only two episodes left!

The final two episodes of the season will likely tell a two part story, which means The Eaters Of Light is the last ever standalone episode of Peter Capaldi's run on the show. How fitting that the whole thing takes place in Capaldi's native Scotland!

The Eaters Of Light of light was written by Rona Munro, who also wrote the 1989 episode Survival, starring the Seventh Doctor. Survival is notable as the FINAL episode of the Classic Series, as Doctor Who was canceled shortly after it aired. Gulp! 

Happily I don't think Munro will kill off the series this time. In fact she's probably elated that with this script, she no longer has the "Woman Who Ended Doctor Who" label hanging around her neck.

The Eaters Of Light feels like another old-school episode, which has become something of a theme this season. In fact I could easily see it starring the Seventh, or even the Fourth Doctor. Unfortunately it's also virtually identical to last week's Empress Of Mars. It's too bad the two episodes were scheduled so closely together, as their proximity to one another only emphasized the similarities. Why the hell would they air them one after the other like this?

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
In present day Aberdeen (that's in Scotland), a girl runs up a hill behind her neighborhood to a site filled with ancient stone cairns. He older brother follows, telling her she'd better come back home now. The girl refuses, saying she wants to hear "the music" (Plot Point!). The boy tries to scare her with tales of ghosts and monsters haunting the area, which, on this show, could be more than just an idle threat. As the two of them run off, we see a crow land on one of the cairns. It crows something that sounds suspiciously like "Doc-tor!" over and over. We see the cairns are carved with primitive figures and symbols, one of which looks suspiciously like a blue box...

Cut to Aberdeen in the 2nd Century. The TARDIS appears and the Doctor, Bill and Nardole exit. The Doctor and Bill are arguing over the fate of the famed Ninth Legion of Rome, which disappeared without a trace here sometime around 120 AD. Bill says she read "the book" on them (?), and that they disappeared without a trace. The Doctor disagrees, saying they were annihilated in battle. Bill says if that's true, then where's the giant pile of dead bodies?

Bill's sure she'll find the soldiers near the river, while the Doctor says there's got to be a battlefield nearby. He says they should split up and investigate their respective theories and meet back at the TARDIS later, which sounds like a perfectly safe and wonderful idea. And that's just what they do. Bill goes off BY HERSELF IN THE 2ND CENTURY, while the Doctor and Nardole head off in the opposite direction.

Bill wanders into a forest, where she stumbles upon a Pict warrior woman named Kar. When she sees Bill she immediately screams and runs toward her, intent on murder. Terrified, Bill runs through the woods and falls into a deep pit— just like she did last week in Empress of Mars.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finds his battlefield full of dead Roman soldiers. They're not just normal dead bodies though— all their bones have been completely disintegrated. The Doctor says the only thing that could cause that is "a complete and total absence of any kind of sunlight (?)." He says such a things should take decades, but it looks like it just happened.

Just then a crow lands on a nearby rock and says, "Dark" over and over, which surprises Nardole. The Doctor tells him it's a known fact that all crows can talk. Unfortunately humans stopped having intelligent conversations with them long ago, so they stopped talking.

The Doctor spots a cairn up on a hill (Gosh, I wonder if it's the same one from the prologue?), but just then he and Nardole are surrounded by Picts (not jpegs-- HAW!) who hold them at spear point. They tell the Doctor their leader Kar, Guardian Of The Gate, will arrive soon and deal with him.

Bill's surprised to find she's sharing her pit with a Roman soldier. She's even more surprised to find they can both understand one another, as he's apparently speaking modern English, and he hears her speaking ancient Latin. Bill correctly surmises that the TARDIS is "auto translating" for her.

Bill asks the soldier what happened to the Ninth Legion. He says they were all wiped out by a monster, and he and several others deserted and holed up in a cave. He went out foraging and fell in this Pictish trap. With the soldier's help, Bill climbs out of the pit, then helps him escape. Bill and the soldier then head for the cave hideout.

Suddenly a monster with glowing tentacles appears. They run, but the monster grabs Bil, wounding her. The soldier attacks it, and it grabs him instead and drags him off. Bill runs to the cave, where the other Romans see her and bring her inside. She passes out from her wound.

Back at the bottom of the hill, the Picts are still holding the Doctor and Nardole hostage. Kar finally arrives and the Doctor's surprised to see she's just a teen. She claims she single-handedly destroyed the Ninth Legion, which the Doctor doesn't believe for a second. He uses a bag of popcorn to create a diversion (don't ask) and he and Nardole escape.

They run to the top of the hill, and the Doctor enters the cairn while Nardole holds back. The Picts believe the cairns are gateways to other worlds, and the Doctor wonders if they might be right. As the sun rises, it shines into the cairn and on the back wall. The wall opens up, revealing a dark void. The Doctor takes a step into the void, and sees a swarm of flying creatures feeding on the light of a star. One notices him, and flies toward the doorway. The Doctor steps back and the portal closes, becoming a wall again.

Outside the cairn, Nardole and the Picts are surprised to see him. Despite the fact that he was only inside the void for a few seconds, two days passed for the rest of the world. Kar explains that once every generation, Picts picks a Pict warrior to enter the void and battle the Eaters Of Light (Houston, we have a title!). She's her generation's chosen warrior. Unfortunately, she accidentally let one of the creatures through.

Back in the cave, Bill comes to. A Roman soldier named Lucius feeds her and tells her to sit in a beam of sunlight, as it helps cure a Light Eater wound. He flirts with Bill, until she tells him she plays for a different team. Back at the Pict camp, the Doctor finds a victim of the Light Eater, and says it's getting stronger. Kar admits this is all her fault. She deliberately let the Light Eater out of the portal, hoping it would kill the Ninth Legion (which it did), but that they'd kill it before they all died (which they didn't). The Doctor tells her she doomed the entire world to save one little hillside.

Bill talks the Romans into leaving the cave and helping her find the Doctor. They exit their protected cavern and run through a series of underground tunnels until they come to a ladder. They climb the ladder and just happen to come up through a hatch in the floor of the Pict camp. The Light Eater tries to burst through, but they force it back into the tunnel and block the hatch.

Bill's happy to be reunited with the Doctor, and gloats as she says she found the Ninth Legion. Or some of them, anyway. Unfortunately when the Picts and Romans see one another, they try to kill one another.The Doctor tells them to knock it off, as there's no time for old arguments. He says the Light Eater's getting stronger, and if they can't get it back into the void, more of its kind will escape (?). The monsters then consume the sun, and eventually every star in the universe until the whole thing's dark. (Big deal! Wouldn't that take a trillion years?). The two sides reluctantly call a truce, and the Doctor explains his plan.

That night the Picts play loud music inside the cairn to attract the monster. It works, as the dinosaur-like creature hears and soon gallops up the hill. Inside the cairn, the Doctor and the others use special red crystals (don't ask) that magnify the torch light and weaken the beast. They manage to hold it in place until the sun rises, causing the back wall to open again. Working together, they jab and stab at it, forcing it back into the void.

The Doctor says the portal will stay open as long as the sun hits it, allowing the creature, and more like it, to escape again. He says someone needs to enter the void and stay inside, fighting off the creatures for eternity. He says humans are too short-lived to serve as effective guards, but with his extented Time Lord life span, he can guard the portal virtually forever.

Bill and the others refuse to let him sacrifice himself. One of the Picts hits him in the head with a rock (!) to keep him from entering the portal. Kar, Lucius and several others from both sides volunteer to guard the gate. They walk into the portal together, weapons drawn, as a couple play music for some reason. The cairn begins trembling, and everyone runs out just before it collapses.

Back at the TARDIS, the surviving Picts and Romans say goodbye to the Doctor & Co. One of the Ninth Legion soldiers tells a crow that Kar is defending the gate for all time. The crow flies off, shouting, "Kar, Kar!" This is supposed to indicate that crows didn't stop talking to us after all, but are honoring Kar with their call. I guess screw Lucius and the others who went in with her then?

Inside the TARDIS, Nardole insists the Doctor goes back home to guard Missy in the vault. He's shocked to see Missy sitting inside the TARDIS, apparently free. The Doctor explains that he's giving her a bit of freedom in exchange for some basic TARDIS maintenance.

Later the Doctor and Missy share a moment, as she somehow listens to the haunting music of the guardians inside the portal. A tear runs down her cheek. The Doctor says he still doesn't know if her redemption is part of a devious plan, or it's real and time for them to be friends again.

Back in the present, the little girl runs up to the cairn again, presses her head against a stone and and smiles as she hears the music still being played by the Guardians Of The Gate...

Thoughts:
• There's actually a good bit of actual history in this episode, not counting the light-eating monsters.

As you've probably already guessed, the Ninth Legion of the Imperial Roman Army was a real thing. It existed from the 1st Century BC to around 120 AD. The Ninth Legion fought in various provinces and was stationed in Britain following the Roman invasion there in 43 AD. Sometime around 120 AD, the Legion disappeared. To this day, no one's quite sure what happened to the five thousand men.

One theory is that they were wiped out after marching into Caledonia (aka modern day Scotland) in 108 AD, a view which was popularized by the 1954 novel The Eagle (which was made into a movie in 2011). 

Other scholars have found evidence that the Legion, or a part of it, was active in the Netherlands in 120 AD. We'll probably never know where or why they disappeared.

The cairns seen in this episode were totally a thing too, especially in ancient Scotland.

The Eaters Of Light also features black Roman centurions, something I was sure was shoehorned into the episode in the name of forced diversity. But then I looked it up and black centurions were apparently a thing, so... good on the writer, I guess.

• Overall, The Eaters Of Light is a decent story, but as I said in the intro, it's too bad it's so incredibly similar to the previous episode.

In Empress Of Mars, Bill wanders off by herself and falls into a deep pit, which gets the plot started. In Eaters Of Light, Bill wanders off by herself and— you guessed it— falls into a deep pit, which gets the plot started.

Both episodes featured Bill becoming separated from the Doctor, characters who were cowards but later found their courage and two sides that started out as enemies, but learned to work together. The only real differences were the sets and the monsters.

• Overall this is a decent episode, with one major exception: The Doctor actually suggests that he and Bill split up to look for the Ninth Legion. Seriously? Sending a young woman from 2017 off by herself in 2nd Century Aberdeen? What could possibly go wrong with a plan like that?
Look, I get it. They only have forty five minutes to play with, and they've got to get the plot moving quickly. But sending Bill off by herself just so she can get into trouble and be saved by the Doctor is the most blatant, ridiculous and hackneyed trope the writer could have possibly used.

At the very least the Doctor could have sent Nardole along with her for safety.

• Speaking of Nardole, what the hell is he wearing in this episode? I'm assuming this is supposed to be a "wacky" example of him not understanding human fashion, but it looks for all the world like actor Matt Lucas rolled out of bed about thirty seconds before shooting started and refused to change clothes. 

• While watching this episode, something suddenly became glaringly obvious to me: why doesn't the Doctor or his companions have any way of communicating with one another outside the TARDIS? 

It happens over and over in the series. The Doctor gets separated from his companion, then has to search for them while simultaneously trying to resolve the plot. Often he's not even sure if his friends are still alive.

Gosh, it's too bad this highly advanced humanoid alien, who owns a freakin' time machine and a magic wand, doesn't have some kind of COMMUNICATION DEVICE. Something like, oh, I dunno... a CELL PHONE, maybe? A set of cheap two-way radios, at the very least?

Of course if Team TARDIS could talk to one another, then most episodes would end up being about ten minutes long, so I get why the producers don't allow the characters to do so. And why they hope this issue never occurs to us.

• After completely forgetting about it in the previous episode, this week Nardole finally remembers the Doctor's supposed to be guarding the Vault, and asks him when he's gonna get back to it.

• This episode features a perfect example of what I like to call "Implied Visual Acuity." 

What the heck does that mean, you ask? It happens whenever a TV show or movie features a monster that's supposed to have vision that's superior to that of humans. But whenever we actually see a shot from the creature's point of view, it inevitably looks radically inferior to our vision. 

The monster's point of view is usually tinted a bizarre color, uses some weird, distorted fisheye lens, and is often blurred at the edges. And yet we're supposed to believe this sub-par way of seeing is somehow much better than our own.

• Bill stumbles onto a Roman soldier, and is amazed they can understand one another. She comes to the conclusion that the TARDIS is somehow psychically translating for her (even when she's not actually inside it). Bill's right of course, but... why the hell is she just NOW figuring this out? Did she really think the Blue People, Monks and Martians she's encountered all season were speaking the Queen's English?

As near as I can tell, the idea that the TARDIS translates for its passengers was first brought up in the revived series, when Rose Tyler noticed it.

Bill's statement that the TARDIS also lip-synchs its translations might be a dig at Star Trek's Universal Translator. On Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, it was revealed that the characters all had translators implanted in their ears so they could understand what the various alien crewmembers were saying. Not a bad workaround, but it didn't explain why the alien characters' lips always moved in perfect synch with their translated words!

• Did Lucius the Ninth Legion soldier look familiar to you? He should. He was in one of the biggest movies of all time a couple years ago.

Lucius, aka actor Brian Vernel, had a small role as Bala-Tik in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. He was a member of the Guavian Death Gang, who boarded Han Solo's ship, demanding to be paid. Bala-Tik also inexplicably had a thick Space Scottish Brogue, saying, "That Beh-Beh yoonit. Tha Ferhst Dord-der is lookin' fer one jus' lake ut!"

This of course confirms my theory that there are only about twenty five or thirty actors in the UK, and they appear over and over in every TV show and movie filmed there.

• CGI creatures are expensive. So how do you film an episode with a monster when there's not enough money in the budget to properly show it?

Why, you give it big glowy tentacles on the front of its head, that's what you do. Then you only have to show the relatively cheap tentacles flailing around every now and then, and don't have to spring for rendering the entire monster.

We finally get one decent look at the monster near the end of the episode, as the characters herd it back into the portal. It's an extremely short, blink-and-you'll-miss-it look though, lasting just a few expensive frames.

Once that brief scene's over though, we're treated to numerous shots of the Eater Of Light's back, as it bucks in the foreground like a bronco. Pret-tie sneaky, sis!

• I don't understand the Doctor's reasoning that he's the perfect person to guard the portal and keep the Eaters Of Light from getting through. He says due to his Time Lord lifespan, he could protect the Earth from the monsters virtually forever.

This is no doubt true, but did he forget about the portal's time dilation effect? Early in the episode, he steps into the void, sees the monsters inside and pops back out. He was only inside the void for a few seconds, but fifty six hours passed back on Earth (Two days, eight hours and five minutes, according to Nardole).

The portal's timey-whimey effect would allow even a short-lived human like Kar to guard it for millennia. In fact if my math is right, if she guarded the gate for fifty years, that'd work out to about 168,000 years on Earth! The Doctor even confirms this, saying, "One Pict in there, fighting it off for a few minutes, that adds up to 60 or 70 years out here."

So why does he think he's the only candidate for the Guardian job?

• This Week's Best Lines:
The Doctor: "There is so much that you don't understand about Roman Britain."
Bill:"I got an A star."
The Doctor: (dismissively) "Got an A star. I've lived in Roman Britain. Governed. Farmed. Juggled. And speaking as a former vestal virgin, second class, I can assure you—"
Bill: "I bet you there's a Roman legion down there."
Nardole:"Hang on. Second class?"

(I wonder if this little exchange is a reference to the fact that back in 2008, Peter Capaldi guest-starred as Caecilius in the episode The Fires Of Pompeii?)

The Doctor: "Eyes peeled. They must have left some kind of mark on the landscape. Burning huts, slaughtered locals, sweetie wrappers."

Crow: Dark! Dark!"
Nardole:"Doctor..."
Crow: "Dark!"
Nardole: "Doctor!"
The Doctor:"Look, a stone cairn Pictish civilisation."
Nardole: "The bird!"
The Doctor: "What about it?"
Nardole: "It said 'dark."
The Doctor: "Yes, well that's why we're hurrying, because there's not much light at this time of day."
Nardole: "But it talked!"
The Doctor: "Well, of course it did. It's a crow. All crows talk."
Nardole: "They don't talk in the future."
The Doctor: "Course they do. Human beings just stopped having intelligent conversations with them. And they all took a bit of a huff."
Nardole: "Crows in the future are all in a huff?"
The Doctor: "Course they are. Haven't you noticed that noise they make? It's like a mass sulk."

The Doctor: "What do you always find near churches?"
Nardole: "Women in hats?"
The Doctor: "Exactly."
(for an alien, Nardole seems to know an awful lot about Earth and its customs)

Bill:"A Roman soldier! I wish I'd studied Latin so you could understand me."
Soldier:"I understand you."
Bill: "Sorry, what?"
Soldier: "I understand you."
Bill: "But you're You're speaking English."
Soldier: "What's English?"
Bill: "Er, what you're speaking in."
Soldier: "You're speaking Latin."
Bill: "I'm not."
Soldier: "That's Latin. You just said that in Latin."
Bill: "Ah! It's the Doctor! Or the TARDIS, or both. Something, a telepathic link. Auto-translate. That's why everyone in space speaks English."
Soldier: "What on earth are you talking about?"
Bill: "Oh, my God, it even does lip-sync!"
(Due to the nature of the fantastic situation she's in, I'll give Bill a pass for her atrocious "Er, what you're speaking in" line)

The Doctor: (examining a dead Roman soldier) "It's as if his bones have disintegrated."
Nardole: "But what could do that?"
The Doctor:"A complete and total absence of any kind of sunlight."
Nardole: "Death by Scotland."

The Doctor: (to his Pictish captors) "Oh, for heaven's sake. How long are you going to keep us here? Couldn't we have seats? What about the wi-fi code, how about that?"
(I'm pretty sure this is at least the second time the Doctor's mentioned wi-fi this season)

Nardole: (to Picts) "Yeah, would you like some popcorn? Won't take me a jiffy to make."
(that had to be a Jiffy Pop joke, right?)

The Doctor:"What are you doing?"
Nardole: "I'm ingratiating myself."
The Doctor: "Stop it. It's nauseating."
Nardole: "It's called charm."
The Doctor:"I'm against it. I'm against charm."
Nardole: "Yeah, we all know that."

The Doctor: (discussing his time inside the portal) "I was in there for seconds."
Nardole:"Two days."
The Doctor: "It's an inter-dimensional temporal rift. A second in there equates to days of time on this side. I was in there for two days?"
Nardole:"And eight hours, five minutes, and..."
(From Nardole's Spock-like declaration, I'm assuming he must have some kind of internal chronometer? He is part robot, right?)

The Doctor: (to Kar) "You got a Roman legion slaughtered and you made the deadliest creature on this planet very, very cross indeed. To protect a muddy little hillside, you doomed your whole world."

The Doctor: "Are you sulking?"
Kar:"I'm remembering the dead."
The Doctor:"Oh, right. Well, save that for old age."
Kar:"They're dead because of me."
The Doctor: "You know, every moment you waste wallowing about in that happy thought means more of the living are going to join them. When you want to win a war, remember this it's not about you. Believe me. I know. Time to grow up, Kar. Time to fight your fight."

Bill: "So now that we all understand each other, how do we all sound?"
Lucius:"You sound like children."
Kar:"You sound like children, too."
The Doctor: "You all do."
Bill: "Is this what happens? When you understand what everyone in the universe is saying, everybody just sounds like children?"
The Doctor: "There are exceptions."
Nardole:"Thank you very much."
The Doctor: "Not you. OK, kids, pay attention."
(I love this conversation, as it's something I never thought about before. At this point the Doctor's thousands of years old. Everyone WOULD sound like children to him!)

The Doctor:"The gate has to be guarded, there's no other way. The trouble is, human life spans, they're tiny. They're hilarious. You get used up too quickly."
Bill:"So what's the answer?"
The Doctor: "Go on, figure it out. The answer is me. I go on for ages. I don't even really die, I regenerate. I can hold that gate till the sun goes out."
(This isn't the first time the Twelfth Doctor's described a human trait as "hilarious." Back in Season 8's Listen, he said, "Have you seen the size of human brains? They're hilarious!")

Nardole:"Sir, I must to protest in the strongest, most upset terms possible. Don't make me go squeaky voiced!"

Missy:"I don't even know why I'm crying. Why do I keep doing that now?"
The Doctor:"I don't know. Maybe you're trying to impress me."
Missy: "Yes, probably some devious plan. That sounds about right."
The Doctor: "The alternative would be much worse."
Missy: "Really?"
The Doctor: "The alternative is that this is for real. And it's time for us to become friends again."
Missy: "Do you think so?"
The Doctor:"I don't know. That's the trouble with hope. It's hard to resist."
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Search

Furst To Last

June 20, 2017, 9:48 am
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Last week I was saddened to hear of the death of actor Stephen Furst, who died at the much too young age of 63.

First was probably best known as Pinto in National Lampoon's Animal House.

He also played Vir in the 1990s sci-fi series Babylon 5, and is just one of the inordinate number of actors from that show who all died at a relatively young age. I can't think of any other relatively recent show that's lost so many cast members as B5:

Richard Biggs (Dr. Stephen Franklin) died at 44
Michael O'Hare (Commander Jeffrey Sinclair) died at 60
Jeff Conaway (Sgt. Zack Allan) died at 60
Andread Katsulas (Ambassador G'Kar) died at 59
Jerry Doyle (Chief Michael Garabaldi) died at 60
Tim Choate (Zathras) died at 49

Seven actors from the same show, all dead by age sixty! For the sake of comparison, Star Trek aired in the late 1960s, and four of its seven main cast members are still around. 

So what the heck was going on in that Babylon 5 studio? Asbestos in the air vents? Radiation in the ground soil? Was the soundstage built on an Indian burial ground?

I did some morbid googling, and their causes of death are all over the place, ranging from heart problems to diabetes, and in one case a traffic accident.

So that torpedoes my "cursed studio" theory. I guess there's no sinister reason for the inordinate number of Babylon 5 cast deaths after all. It's just plain old coincidence and a case of some really, really bad luck.
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It Came From The Cineplex: Wonder Woman

June 23, 2017, 8:49 pm
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Wonder Woman was written by Allan Heinberg, with "story by" credit from Allan Heinberg, David Fuchs and Zack Snyder. But don't let that scare you off. It was directed by Patty Jenkins.

Heinberg is primarily a TV writer, who previously worked on shows like Party Of Five, Sex And The City, The O.C., Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. Wonder Woman is his first theatrical script. Fuchs is an actor and writer, who previously penned Ice Age: Continental Drift (yikes!) and the 2015 mega-flop Pan (double yikes!). And of course Zack Snyder needs no introduction. He's a terrible, terrible director who started out promisingly with the Dawn Of The Dead remake, but has become progressively worse with each successive film. He directed 300, Watchmen, Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga' Hoole, Sucker Punch, Man Of Steel and his crowing achievement, the detestable Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.

Jenkins previously directed Monster, which was a pretty good film. After that she was apparently demoted to directing episodes of various TV series until now.

The film marks Wonder Woman's first solo theatrical outing. This particular version of the character first appeared in last year's Batman V Superman, as part of DC's cinematic shared universe. The character also appeared in a popular TV series starring Lynda Carter, that ran from 1975 to 1979. 

So what's the verdict? Has Warner Bros. pumped out another poorly written, dark and depressing DC murderfest, or have they at long, long last finally managed to make a decent superhero movie? Happily, Wonder Woman somehow managed to turn out pretty well. It's a solid origin story, it's very entertaining and I liked it quite a bit. I didn't love it though, as there are some glaring plotholes and it falls apart in the third act. 

It's definitely miles above any of the previous DCEU films though, which I will admit is a pretty low bar for it to overcome. It's nowhere near as good as Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2, but compared to crapfests like Suicide Squad, it looks like freakin'Citizen Kane.

The internet agrees, as everyone seems to absolutely love this film. I dunno, I have to wonder (heh)... is the film really that good? Or is this a case of DC's prior awful output making Wonder Woman look brilliant by comparison? I have a feeling if this was a Marvel movie, most people would shrug and say it was just "OK."

Gal Gadot was born to play the role of Wonder Woman, and is a perfect successor to Lynda Carter. Gadot is surprisingly good in the film, which came as a shock to me, considering her wooden performance in Batman V Superman. Obviously Patty Jenkins is a much better director than Zack Snyder, and found a way to work with Gadot and expand her range, helping her turn in a powerful yet innocent performance.

I'm glad that little girls finally have a female DC superhero they can look up to and call their own. Too bad the movie's too dark and violent for most of them to be able to see it. Yep, once again Warner Bros. seems to forget the point of superhero movies, making a film that's filled with murder, death and destruction.

Once again, a simple little summer blockbuster generates a ton of internet controversy months before it ever premiered. Feminists heavily politicized the film, using it to promote their agenda. Men denounced it on the grounds that it was misandrist. Fox News slammed the movie because this new version of Wonder Woman no longer wears a costume based on the American flag. Lebanon banned the film over the fact that actress Gal Gadot is Israeli, and served in the Israel Defense Forces. And believe it or not, there was even a brouhaha over the fact that Wonder Woman apparently shaves her armpits, which many women somehow interpreted as oppression by the patriarchy (!).

The weirdest controversy was the one caused by the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas. They generated a huge stink when they scheduled several all-female showings of the film. This "girls only" edict even extended to the employees. The projectionist, the venue staff and the custodial crew were all female as well (!).

This apparently deeply offended many men in the area, who took to the internet to complain, and in a couple of cases even filed lawsuits against the theater. Jesus wept, people. It's just a goddamned movie. It's not like they banned men from EVERY showing all over the country.

For the record, I don't have a problem with the all-female screenings, but I'll admit that I honestly don't get it. Maybe as a man, it's something I just can't understand.

Sigh... remember back when theaters used to show fun summer movies like Jaws or Star Wars, and we'd all just go watch and enjoy them for what they were? I miss those days.

If you're happy there's FINALLY a superhero film with a female lead, that's great. If you want to applaud the fact that it was directed by a woman, go for it. If you want to celebrate its box office success, by all means, have at it.

But please don't try to turn this movie into a feminist cause. I guarantee you that Warner Bros. doesn't give two sh*ts about women's rights. They couldn't possibly care less about female directors either. The only reason they hired Patty Jenkins is because they thought she'd make a flop, and then they could tell everyone that "female superhero movies don't work." There's no way you can ever convince me otherwise, and I'll fight anyone who contradicts me.

C'mon, ladies! The ONLY reason Wonder Woman exists is to make money for the Warner Bros. shareholders. You're romanticizing and championing a soulless corporate product that's designed to sell lunch boxes and toys. You're smarter than that!

Fortunately all the politicizing doesn't permeate the film. Unlike the execrable Ghostbusters 2016, which had an unpleasant anti-male sentiment a mile wide, Wonder Woman is a gender-friendly film. It features a powerful, independent woman as its main character, but one with no overt male prejudices, who has no problem working alongside men. That can only be a good thing.

So far Wonder Woman's tearing it up at the box office, grossing $280 million here in the States (as of this review) against its $149 million budget. It's done about the same overseas, where it's racked up $298 million, for a worldwide total of $578 million. Impressive!

Unfortunately the horrible Suicide Squad somehow ended up grossing an astonishing $745 million last year. Let's hope Wonder Woman can surpass it, if for no other reason than to prove to Warner Bros. that audiences care about quality, and won't automatically go see anything they crap out.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
In the present day, Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) works as a curator in the Louvre. In the requisite "Let's Remind People This Movie Takes Place In The DC Cinematic Universe" scene, she receives a package from Bruce Wayne, aka Batman. Inside the package is the photo we saw in Batman V Superman, of Wonder Woman standing next to a group of WWI soldiers. She looks exactly the same in the photo, meaning she hasn't aged a day in the past hundred years. Attached to the photo is a note from Wayne, saying he'd like to hear the story behind it someday. You know what that means— Yep, this is a flashback movie!

Cut to sometime in the past, as young Diana is living among the Amazons on the mystical island of Themyscira. The Amazons were created by the Zeus, to protect mankind against Ares, the God Of War. Diana's unusual among the Amazons, as her mother, Queen Hippolyta (played by Connie Nielsen) sculpted her out of clay and begged the god Zeus to bring her to life. Sure, why not? Diana wants to be a warrior woman like her aunt Antiope (played by Robin Wright), but Hippolyta forbids it. Antiope disagrees with her sister, and begins training Diana in secret.

One night, Diana asks her mom to infodump a bunch of exposition to her tell her a bedtime story. Amazingly, Hippolyta tells her about the time Ares jealously slew all the gods, even Zeus (!). Before Zeus died though, he gave the Amazons a "Godkiller" weapon to use against Ares. The End. Sweet dreams, Diana! Later Hippolyta takes Diana into a guarded tower, where she shows her a ceremonial sword, which the script strongly implies is the Godkiller.

Diana continues training with Antiope, but is eventually discovered by Hippolyta. She's angry with both of them, but Antiope says Diana needs to be ready to face Ares, who's still out there somewhere. Hippolyte eventually agrees, and allows Diana to practice openly. Through the power of a montage, we see Diana train over the years as she grows to adulthood and becomes the best warrior in all of Themyscira.

One day in 1918, Diana stands on a cliff and stares out at the ocean. She sees a small plane pierce the mystical barrier around the island and crash into the water. She instantly dives off the cliff to the rescue, pulling a pilot from the wreckage and bringing him to shore. She's surprised to see a man for the first time.

Suddenly a small army of German soldiers pierces the useless barrier around the island and heads for the couple on shore. The Germans land on the beach just as the Amazons arrive, and there's a huge battle between the two armies. The Germans are better armed, but are easily wiped out by the savage warrior women. One last German shoots at Diana, but Antiope leaps in front of her and is hit instead (good thing she somehow understood what a bullet is). Diana rushes to her her aunt's side. As Antiope dies, she tells Diana it's time to use the Godkiller.

The man Diana rescued is taken before Hippolyta and interrogated with the Lasso Of Truth, which prevents him from lying. He says his name is Steve Trevor, and he's a spy for the Allies. He tells the Amazons all about the horrors of The Great War (aka WWI), and how he was spying on the German army, searching for intel that could end the conflict. 

Steve says he discovered that the evil General Ludendorff (played by Danny Huston) and his associate Dr. Isabel Maru, aka Dr. Poison, an expert in deadly chemical warfare, are working on a deadly new bio-weapon that could wipe out the Allies. He stole Dr. Poison's notebook and was taking it back to London when his plane was shot down. He tells the Amazons they're in more danger than they know.

Diana believes Ares is responsible for causing WWI (I guess she never heard of Archduke Ferdinand), and wants to use the Godkiller to defeat him. Hippolyta forbids it, saying they shouldn't get involved. Steve asks to leave, but the Amazons forbid it, fearing he'll reveal their secret location to the world. Diana decides to fight Ares on her own. She climbs the guarded tower and takes the Godkiller sword, along with a shield, armor and the Lasso Of Truth. She tells Steve she'll help return him home if he takes her to Ares.

As they prepare to leave, Hippolyta appears and stops them. Diana defies her mother, saying their whole reason Zeus created them is to save the world from Ares. Hippolyta finally relents and lets them go. She tells her aide Diana must never know the terrible secret about who and what she is (Plot Point!).

Somehow, Steve and Diana take a tiny boat from wherever the hell Themyscira is and sail to London in one day. Diana's anxious to kill Ares, but Steve insists on delivering Dr. Poison's notebook first. They meet with Steve's secretary Etta Candy, and there's lots of fish out of water humor as she takes Diana shopping for suitable 1900s ladies' clothing.

Meanwhile in Germany, Dr. Poison develops a gas that, when inhaled, gives Ludendorff super strength. She's also inspired (by Ares) to perfect her new super-deadly mustard gas formula.

Back in London, Steve meets with Sir Patrick Morgan (played by David Thewlis). He tells Steve the war is going badly, and the Allies are planning to sign an Armistice with Germany. Steve gives him Poison's notebook, confident its contents could turn the tide of the war. Morgan can't read it though, as it's written in Sumerian. Diana translates it for him, since for some reason everyone on Themyscira speaks hundreds of languages.

The notebook says Lundendorff and Poison are planning to use their gas on Allied soldiers at the Western Front. Morgan says this news changes nothing, as he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize the Armistice. Diana believes Ludendorff is Ares in disguise, and wants to immediately go to the front and kill him. Morgan forbids Steve and Diana from interfering, but of course they do so anyway.

Steve (with Diana in tow) then travels around Europe, getting his old gang back together. His team consists of Sameer, a spy of Indian (I think?) descent, Charlie, a hard-drinking Scottish sharpshooter and The Chief, a Native American smuggler. Steve introduces this team to Diana, who's eager to get to the Front.

Ludendorff meets with a group of German generals to discuss Poison's new weapon. They're skeptical and dismissive of her work, so she demonstrates its effectiveness by lobbing a gas bomb into the conference room, killing the generals and leaving Ludendorff in charge.

Steve, Diana and the team finally make it to the Belgian Front. They see a town that's been devastated by the Germans, and a local woman begs Diana to help. As they walk through the trenches at the edge of No Man's Land, Diana's shocked and stunned by the horrors of "modern" warfare. In the film's signature scene, she leaps out of the trench and onto the battlefield. The German soldiers begin throwing everything they have at her, but she easily deflects their bullets and shells with her gauntlets and shield. As she slowly but deliberately progresses across the battlefield, Steve and the other soldiers are so inspired they follow in her wake, taking out all the Germans.

That night Steve and the others are honored by the Belgian townspeople they saved. A man takes a photo of Steve, Diana and the rest of the team— the same photo that starts off the movie. Steve learns that Ludendorff will be attending a gala the next day, and suggests he and Diana infiltrate it. As she's never been to a society event, he teaches her how to dance, and they share a kiss.

The next day the team disguises themselves and sneak into the gala. Steve spots Dr. Poison, and flirts with her for information. Before she can tell him anything, Steve is distracted by Diana, who's spotted Ludendorff in the crowd. He stops her right before she tries to kill the General in public. Ludendorff exits the party and gives the signal to launch a gas strike against the Belgian town that Diana saved. Diana rushes to the town, but arrives too late to save them. She's angry with Steve for not letting her kill Ludendorff when she had the chance.

Steve learns that Ludendorff plans on using a plane to drop his deadly new gas on London. Diana races to the airfield and battles her way through more soldiers. She spots Ludendorff in a control tower, and leaps up to confront him. He inhales his super gas and powers up. The two of them have an epic battle, but Diana eventually stabs him through the chest with the Godkiller.

Steve catches up to Diana, who's confused as towhy WWI hasn't instantly stopped now that Ludendorff, aka Ares, is dead. Steve tries to explain that wars aren't caused by evil gods, but by bad people. Steve and his team see the Germans still loading the gas onto a plane, and the two sides engage in a shootout. Meanwhile, Diana spots Morgan in Ludendorff's office, and realizes HE'S actually Ares. She accuses him of starting the war, but he denies it, saying all he did was give certain people a small nudge, and the natural evil in all humanity took over.

Diana tries to slay Ares with the Godkiller, but to her great surprise he easily dissolves it. He tells her the sword was never the Godkiller— it's actually HER. He invites her to join him, showing her how wonderful the world could be if they rid it of all mankind. Diana refuses, and they have a typical special effects-filled superhero movie battle.

Steve and his pals are pinned down by enemy fire as the gas-laden plane starts to take off. Steve makes a fateful decision and runs past Diana, whispering something to her as he hands her his father's pocket watch for safe keeping. He jumps onto the plane just before it takes off.

Inside the plane, he kills the pilots and takes control. When he's high enough, he shoots the gas canisters in the hold, detonating them in a fiery explosion. Diana screams in agony at his sacrifice. Enraged, she begins attacking the German soldiers as Ares looks on. Ares transforms himself into video game boss mode, complete with horned armor. He encourages Diana's anger, hoping it'll cause her to join his side. He brings out a helpless Dr. Poison, encouraging Diana to kill her. Poison's mask falls off, revealing her ravaged, disfigured face.

Diana lifts a tank over her head, determined to drop it on Poison. Then she remembers Steve's last whispered words to her that we didn't get to hear— he told her he can save the day, but she can save the world. Oh, and that he loved her. Diana tosses the tank aside, showing mercy toward Poison and letting her live so she can reappear in the sequel.

Diana tells Ares that she'll never join him, as she believes in the Power Of Love (this again?). He does his best Emperor Palpatine impression, saying, "So be it!" and fires a giant energy blast at her. She absorbs it with her magic gauntlets and reflects it back at him, blowing up the God Of War real good.

Now that Ares is out of the picture, WWI ends (even though he said earlier that he didn't cause it). The world celebrates, as Diana is reunited with Steve's team. She spots a wall containing photos and mementos of fallen heroes, including Steve Trevor.

Back in the present day, Diana's still staring at the photo. She emails Bruce Wayne, thanking him for sending it. In a voiceover, she tells the audience she'll keep fighting for justice forever, as she leaps into the air to battle evil as Wonder Woman.

Thoughts:
• As a fan of the 1970s Wonder Woman TV series, I was disappointed that Lynda Carter didn't have a cameo appearance in the new film. Surely they could have found a place for her in the background as an Amazonian dignitary or something?

I have a feeling the director was trying her best to distance this solemn and more adult take on the material as much as she could from the admittedly campy TV show, lest the audience not take it seriously.

• Not a nitpick, just an observation:

Every since she was created, Wonder Woman has been associated with America. Her original costume was basically the American flag, decorated with a golden eagle and festooned white stars on a field of blue. She was associated with Steve Trevor, an officer in the U.S. Army Air Service in WWII, and assumed the secret identity of Diana Prince, his secretary/personal assistant.

The movie seems to do its best to strip all the characters of any and all involvement with America. Wonder Woman's costume no longer contains any type of American branding or iconography. Steve Trevor is an American officer, but he works as a British spy to infiltrate the German military. Diana has a job as a curator in modern day Paris. Heck, the entire takes place completely in Europe!

• At the beginning of the movie, Diana stares at a hundred year old photo of herself standing with Steve Trevor and his gang from WWI. It's the same photo Bruce Wayne found on Lex Luthor's hard drive in Batman V Superman.

Later in Wonder Woman, we see Diana and the gang as they pose for the iconic photo. If you look closely, you'll see their positions don't quite line up with those seen in the photo.

According to actor Ewen Bremner (who plays Charlie), the cast shot the still photo in November 2015, before the Wonder Woman sets were even completed. The photo was then used in Batman V Superman.

When it came time to film the actual scene commemorated in the photo, several months had passed, and the actors had to do their best to recreate their earlier poses. They were also now standing in front of completed sets.

So the two images are pretty darned close, but not quite identical.

• Kudos to actress Lilly Aspell, who played Diana at age eight. She was perfect, and stole every scene she was in!

• This is some hardcore nitpicking, but whatever. If the Amazons truly are immortal, why do Hippolyte and Antiope look like they're in their late forties? And why are they played by actresses in their early fifties? Shouldn't they look the same age as Diana? Once they reach adulthood, why would they age if they're immortal?

• I can't say much for the magical forcefield Zeus placed around Paradise Island to "protect" it. Sure, it hides the place from the outside world, but it appears that anyone can just stroll right through it anytime they want.

• Diana tells Hippolyta she wants to leave Themyscira to find Ares and kill him. Hippolyta solemnly tells her, "If you leave, you may never return."

Um... that could be taken a couple of ways, and it's not clear just what she meant there. Was she saying "You may not return" as in "It's dangerous out there and you could be killed?" Or was she saying that once she leaves, the magical barrier around the island will physically prevent her from coming back?

If I had to bet, I'd say it's the former. This is an issue that'll likely be addressed in the inevitable sequel.

• According to Diana, the Amazons were created by Zeus to protect humanity from Ares. So how do they go about safeguarding us? By hiding out on a remote island, hidden behind a magic forcefield, with absolutely zero contact with the outside world. Heck, they're not even aware of WWI until Steve tells them about it. Great job, Amazons!

I guess we could chalk this up to Hippolyta keeping a low profile to try and protect Diana. She knows her daughter is the Godkiller, and as such is destined to face Ares someday. Maybe she was afraid Ares would kill Diana, so she was willing to sacrifice the world to save her daughter?

• Some more hardcore nitpicking: Diana, like all Amazonians, can speak and read every language on Earth. Fine. But how is it she seems to speak the modern versions of all these languages? Remember, this is a society that's closed itself off from the rest of humanity for thousands of years. Shouldn't her knowledge of language be hopelessly out of date? 

I know, I know. It's a comic book. Zeus probably created the Amazons to instinctively and automatically understand the latest versions of all languages.

• So just where is Themyscira, aka Paradise Island, located? Welp, given the connection to the Greek Gods and all that, it makes sense it'd be somewhere in the Mediterranean Ocean.

Due to the events of the film though, that location seems unlikely. Steve and Diana take off from Themyscira in a small sailboat, and arrive in London a short time later. Looking at the above map, that's obviously impossible. Sailing from the center of the Mediterranean to London would be a journey of 2,200 miles, give or take a hundred, and would take weeks, if not months. Obviously the Mediterranean's out.

I don't think it's ever mentioned in the film, but online sources suggest Themyscira is somewhere in the North Sea— which makes it significantly closer to London. This makes absolutely no sense to me, as I don't see why a Greek God would place his secret island full of Amazons in such a spot, but there you go.

It's the most likely location within the world of the movie though. First of all, Steve Trevor escaped from Germany in a small plane, and crashed just off the coast of Themyscira. There's no way he'd have made it from Germany to the Mediterranean Sea without stopping to refuel. Plus he was being pursued by a squad of Germans in boats, who arrived at Themyscira minutes after he did, so...

Secondly, after Steve and Diana take off from Themyscira in their boat, she says she's going to get some sleep. When she wakes, they're approaching London. Note that Steve does say they were towed part of the way by a larger passing boat. But even with help, there's no way in hell they'd have made it from the Mediterranean to London while Diana was asleep. Unless she's a really deep sleeper, and was out for a couple of weeks!

So even though it seems downright bizarre that Themyscria would be located in the North Sea, it does fit with the facts of the movie.

• When Diana arrives in London, Steve has his secretary Etta Candy take her shopping to find more suitable clothes for her.

Etta picks out a suit, hat and glasses for Diana, that makes her look very much like a female Clark Kent. Why the glasses? She obviously doesn't need them to see, and at this point she hasn't yet adopted a secret identity that needs protecting. I'm assuming she's wearing them because the filmmakers wanted to throw in a little Superman joke.

They toss in a second gender-flipped Superman reference, when Steve and Diana find trapped in an alley, surrounded by thugs. One of them shoots at Steve, and Diana uses her god-given strength and speed to catch the bullet and save him. Exactly the way Clark saved Lois in Superman The Movie!

• Dr. Poison actually appeared in early issues of the Wonder Woman comic.

Amazingly, the film version isn't too awfully different from those early comic appearances! About the only thing missing are the red gloves.

By the way, that partial mask that Dr. Poison wears to cover up her horrific facial injuries is very much like the ones worn by actual WWI veterans. Plastic surgery was in its infancy in the 1910s, and there was only so much doctors could do. That's where an artist named Francis Derwent Wood stepped in. She took plaster casts of her patients' faces and created a full or partial mask out of copper, painted to match their skin tone. They were often held on with a string around the head or attached to a pair of eyeglasses.

• Oddly enough, General Ludendorff was a real person! He was second-in-command of Germany's entire war effort, and made a name for himself fighting against Russia on the Eastern Front. 

In 1918, he came up with a plan to end the war, called the Spring Offensive. This plan sent Germany's best troops to attack the Western Front, in hope of winning the war before the Americans arrived.

Unfortunately the Spring Offensive was an extremely costly and bloody battle. Casualties were so high that the Germans had nothing left when the Allies counterattacked.

The real Ludendorff reportedly became increasingly unhinged as WWI went on— not due to inhaling gas that gave him superpowers, as in the movie, but because of the massive stress he was under, plus the fact that he only got one hour of sleep per night.

• The movie wants us to believe that Ares is responsible for all of humanity's wars. In fact the instant after Ares is killed, the German soldiers drop their weapons, milling about in confusion as if they've been under a spell the past four years.

So... what about WWII? The Korean War? Vietnam? The Gulf War? Iraq? All the hundreds of other smaller skirmishes taking place in virtually every country in the world? Ares didn't cause those. I guess humanity just likes war then?

On first examination it was clever to link WWI with Ares, but the idea falls apart with the smallest of scrutiny.

• So what was Wonder Woman doing during WWII? Did she sit it out, or fight the good fight against the Nazis? How about all the other conflicts since then? Since we see her living in modern day Paris at the end of the film, I assume she didn't go back to Themyscira and has spent the years fighting the good fight.

• In the comics, Wonder Woman's lasso had one, and one power only— it compelled anyone who was bound by it to speak the truth.

It's used that way in the film, but Diana also uses it as a secondary weapon, wrapping it around evildoers like an indestructible whip and using it to fling them into the air.

Diana also gains another new power in the film— now when she smashes her wrist gauntlets together, they emanate a powerful shockwave that knocks evildoers on their collective asses. 

And you know what? I'm OK with these additions! I don't mind Wonder Woman having a few weapons in her arsenal besides her fists, as it keeps her from becoming just a female version of Superman.

• At one point Diana steals a blue dress and infiltrates the gala, looking for Ludendorff, who she believes is secretly Ares. She spots him and reaches for her "Godkiller" sword, which she's hidden down the back of her dress.

Yow! Let's hope she somehow had the scabbard stuffed down her dress as well, so she doesn't slice her legs (and other parts) to ribbons!

• You'd have to be blind not to notice there are a LOT of parallels between Wonder Woman and Captain America: The First Avenger.

Captain America:Takes place primarily in the past, during WWII.
Wonder Woman: Takes place primarily in the past, mostly during WWI.

Captain America:Ends with the hero living in the present day. 
Wonder Woman: Begins and ends with the hero living in the present day.

Captain America: Features an innocent, straight-laced superhero who was designed to end the war. 
Wonder Woman: Features an innocent, straight-laced superhero who was designed to end the war. 

Captain America: Features the hero battling the Red Skull, an insane Nazi scientist.
Wonder Woman: Features the hero battling General Ludendorff, an insane German officer, Dr. Poison, and insane German scientist, and Ares, an insane Greek god.

Captain America: Features a ragtag group of mercenaries— The Howling Commandoes— who help out the hero.
Wonder Woman: Features a ragtag group of mercenaries, who help out the hero.

Captain America: Features Cap falling in love with Peggy Carter, but their relationship is cut short by his seeming death.
Wonder Woman: Features Steve Trevor falling in love with Diana, but their relationship is cut short by his death.

Captain America: Ends with the hero, Steve Rogers, sacrificing himself by stealing a bomb -filled plane and crashing it into the Arctic, saving humanity.
Wonder Woman: Ends with Steve Trevor sacrificing himself by stealing a mustard gas-filled plane and exploding it high in the atmosphere, saving humanity.

Wow. That's way too many similarities to be completely coincidental. Some of those had to be on purpose.

• When Man Of Steel came out, many fans (including myself) gave Superman a ton of sh*t for almost singlehandedly destroying Metropolis, as well as needlessly executing Zod at the end of the film. That film, plus its followup Batman V Superman, caused many fans to dub DC's shared cinematic world the DC Murderverse.

Sadly, Wonder Woman continues this violent trend. Diana cuts a wide and bloody swath through the Murderverse, killing dozens of German soldiers along the way before ultimately disintegrating Ares.

Worst of all, she straight up ruthlessly murders Ludendorff. Sure, he was an evil asshole who deserved to die, but that's for the courts to decide, not her. To make things even worse, she killed him for the wrong reason, mistakenly believing he was Ares!

Despite all that, I've not heard one single peep about Diana's massive body count in her debut film. Everyone's going out of their way to commend the movie for being "light" and "joyful," which is a load of bullsh*t. Why does Wonder Woman get a pass, but Man Of Steel doesn't? Are people afraid to criticize the movie, fearing it'll make 'em look anti-feminist?

I ain't afraid to go there! I'll say it plain and simple: Wonder Woman is every bit as dark and violent as Man Of Steel, Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad, and a worthy addition to the DC Murderverse.

• I was sad to see Steve Trevor die at the end of the film, but I understand the decision to kill him off. Storywise, his sacrifice was necessary to prove to Diana that ALL humanity weren't evil dicks. Plus even if he hadn't died in this movie, he'd surely be dead by the time of the framing sequence, as he'd be around 130 years old in the present day!

Maybe Steve could reappear via flashback in the inevitable sequel? Or Chris Pine could show up in the present day, as the great-grandson of Steve Trevor (which is similar to what happened on the 1970s TV series).

Wonder Woman is a fun, action-packed superhero origin story, and the only DCEU movie that's worth watching so far. It's not perfect though, as it features an underwritten villain and falls apart in the third act, but it's still worth a look. Sadly it's likely too dark and violent for the young girls who're most likely to look up to the character. Try and ignore all the controversy surrounding the film and just enjoy it for what it is. I give it a solid B.

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June Spawned A Monster

June 26, 2017, 7:52 am
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This week English actor Daniel Day-Lewis held a press conference, in which he officially announced his retirement from the acting profession. Day-Lewis, a three time Oscar™ winner, thanked his many fans, stating that he was "immensely grateful to all of his collaborators and audiences over the many years." 

The sixty year old star's final film will be Paul Thomas Anderson's drama Phantom Thread, which premieres this December. Day-Lewis and Anderson previously worked together on 2007's There Will Be Blood.

When asked about the reasons for his retirement, Day-Lewis said, "I feel I've accomplished everything I can in the world of cinema, playing a wide diversity of characters from Christy Brown (in 1989's My Left Foot) to Abraham Lincoln (in 2012's Lincoln). Therefore I feel it's time I put acting behind, so I can concentrate full-time on my musical career as my alter-ego, Morrissey"

Day-Lewis adopted the fictional persona of Morrissey in the early 1980s, and became the front man for British alternative rock band The Smiths from 1982 to 1987. He then split with the band and launched a successful solo career in 1988, recording such hits as Suedehead, Every Day Is Like Sunday, The Last Of The Famous International Playboys, Interesting Drug, Ouija Board, Oujia Board, November Spawned A Monster and We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful.

Day-Lewis refused to answer any questions from the assembled press, instead slipping into his "Morrissey" persona and launching into an impromptu, acapella rendition of his latest single, Kiss Me A Lot.

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It Came From The Cineplex: It Comes At Night

June 27, 2017, 12:22 pm
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It Comes At Night was written and directed by Trey Edward Shults. He previously wrote and directed the low budget indie film Krisha (?)

So what's the film about? Welp, despite the fact that it's being advertised as a horror film, It Come At Night is anything but. Contrary to its marketing, there are no monsters, zombies or cannibalistic mutants in this movie.

It's more of a bleak, hopeless, post apocalyptic family drama, along the lines of 2009's The Road, except not good. That's right, this is one of those, "The Real Monster Is MAN!" movies, in which we see characters placed in impossible situations, who'll do whatever unspeakable things it takes to survive.

That could have made for a compelling film, if the topic hadn't already been covered to death for the past seven years over on The Walking Dead. We get it already! Humans are assholes who are capable of horrific acts of violence and depravity. Next topic, please!

This is the perfect example of a "slow burn" film— one that moves along at a glacial rate, as it takes its sweet time telling its story. I'm not a huge fan of such movies, but I can tolerate a deliberate pace as long as it's leading toward an amazing ending. Unfortunately, It Comes At Night has no such payoff. In fact it doesn't end so much as it just stops, as if the director ran out of time, money, film or all three.

This is most definitely a character-driven film, as there's virtually no plot whatsoever. The closest it ever comes to a proper storyline is in the third act, when the chapters argue over whether someone left a door open or not. Seriously!

My dislike for the film comes from the highly deceptive trailer, which promised one movie but delivered a completely different one. The trailer strongly implies there's some kind of titular "It" hiding in the woods, which comes out at night to prey. In reality there's no such thing anywhere in the movie, which was frustrating and disappointing to say the least. I honestly wish I'd never seen the trailer and had gone into the film blind. I'd have liked the movie much more, and wouldn't want to track down every existing copy and burn them all, as I do now. Do yourself a favor— if you plan on seeing this movie, DO NOT watch the trailer before you go!

The film clocks in at a brief one hour and thirty seven minutes, but seemed more like four hours.

So far critics seem to universally love It Comes At Night, praising its bare-bones plot, raw-nerve tone and moody cinematography. Audiences are split pretty much right down the middle, with half loving it and half wondering what the hell they just watched. 

Supposedly this film had a budget of $5 million dollars, which I refuse to believe. That money certainly isn't up there on the screen, as the entire movie is filmed in a small home in a wooded area, lit mostly with battery-powered lanterns. I'm confident I could shoot a similar-looking film in my own house.

Against all reason and logic, the film is a modest hit, grossing $13 million against its $5 million budget. Due to marketing and other hidden costs, these days most films need to gross twice their production budget just to break even. I doubt this rule of thumb applies to It Comes At Night though, as I can't imagine them spending $5 million to advertise this thing. So I'm gonna guess that that $7 to $8 million of its gross was pure profit.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
As the film opens, a virulent plague (I guess?) has wiped out most of the country (maybe?). Paul (played by Joel Edgerton), his wife Sarah, teenaged son Travis, father-in-law Bud and dog Stanley are holed up in a remote house in the woods, waiting out the disease. Sarah comforts Bud, who's contracted the plague and is covered with boils. She tells him it's OK to "let go."

Paul and Travis, wearing protective gloves and masks, take Bud deep into the woods in a wheelbarrow. Paul shoots Bud in the head to put him out of his misery, and burns his body in a shallow grave. This traumatic event causes Travis to start having horrific nightmares (most of which are shown in the incredibly misleading trailer).

A few days later, Paul hears someone in the house at night. He investigates and finds a man rooting around for food. He knocks him out, drags him outside and ties him to a tree, leaving him there overnight to see if he's suffering from the disease. The next day Paul interrogates the man, whose name is Will. He claims to have a wife and child, and they've been living in his brother's house (Plot Point!) some fifty miles away (!). Will says he was out searching for fresh water, not realizing Paul's house was occupied. He tells Paul he and his family have plenty of food, and offers to trade some for water.

Paul and Sarah discuss what to do with Will. Paul doesn't trust him, but Sarah says having more people around would make it easier to defend their home from others. Paul agrees to take Will back to his house to check out his story. Paul loads up his truck, and he and Will take off.

Everything goes fine until they're suddenly attacked by gun-toting woodsmen along the way. Paul crashes his truck into a tree, gets out and sees two men approaching. He shoots and kills one, while Will beats the other man to death. Paul suspects Will was in on the attack, but he swears he's never seen the men before. They push the truck back on the road and continue on their way.

Several days later Paul returns to his house with Will, his wife Kim and young son Andrew. Plus a goat and several chickens. Apparently Will convinced Paul they're not infected and pose no threat. Sarah and Travis welcome their new borders.

That night at dinner, Paul explains the rules of the house. He shows them the bright red door, saying it's the only way in or out of the house, and it's to remain locked and closed AT ALL TIMES (Another Plot Point!), and only Paul and Sarah have the key. They keep their weapons locked in a small armory, and always go out in groups of at least two. Lastly, and most importantly, they NEVER, EVER GO OUT AT NIGHT, unless it's an absolute emergency. Why this particular rule is in place is apparently none of our concern, as it's never addressed.

Days go by, as the two families get to know one another. After a while though, cracks begin to show in the happy facade. Will teaches Travis how to chop wood, which generates jealous looks in the stern and rigid Paul. Travis, being a horny teen, becomes attracted to Kim, going so far as to awkwardly flirt with her. His nightmares also continue.

One day while chopping firewood, Stanley begins barking at something in the woods. Paul tries to take Stanley inside, but he snaps at him and runs into the woods. Travis chases after him, but eventually loses sight of him. A furious Paul catches up with Travis, and yells at him for running off by himself. Will looks around briefly for Stanley, but doesn't see anything. Paul insists they return quickly, as Stanley knows the way home.

That night Paul and Will share a drink and get to know one another. Will mentions being an only child, which contradicts his earlier story that he was staying in his brother's home (told you it was a Plot Point!). Travis has another nightmare, and wanders through the house, unable to go back to sleep. He finds Andrew asleep on the floor in Bud's old room, tossing and turning. He wakes Andrew and takes him back to his parents' room.

Travis hears a noise downstairs, and thinks it may be Stanley returning. He goes down to investigate, and sees the red door's open. He runs back upstairs to wake his parents. Paul and Will go downstairs, and find a sick and bleeding Stanley lying on the floor. Fearing the dog is infected, Paul sends Travis upstairs. He then takes Stanley outside and shoots him.

There's then a family meeting, as Paul demands to know who let the dog out, er, I mean in. Travis says the door was ajar when he came downstairs, and suggests Andrew may have opened it while sleepwalking. Kim insists that Andrew doesn't do that, and says Travis must have opened it while half asleep and doesn't remember. Paul realizes they'll never get to the bottom of it, and suggests both families stay in their respective rooms for a couple of days. Mostly so they can all calm down, but also to make sure no one's infected.

The next morning, Travis eavesdrops on Will's family, as Andrew constantly cries and Kim says they need to leave. Travis tells his parents that Andrew's sick, and may have passed on the disease to him. Paul and Sarah don their protective gear and knock on the door of Will's room, demanding to see if Andrew's sick. Will tells them to get lost, but Paul insists. Will opens the door and points a gun at Paul, taking him captive.

Will says there's nothing wrong with them, but demands their fair share of supplies so they can leave. Paul agrees, and he and Will head downstairs. Sarah appears out of the shadows, surprising Will as Paul grabs his gun. Paul marches Will and his family outside. Will suddenly attacks Paul, hitting him over and over in the face with a rock, until Sarah shoots and kills him.

Kim grabs Andrew and runs into the woods. Despite Paul's savage beating, he's able to rise up and fire after Kim. He hits and kills Andrew, as Kim sobs uncontrollably. Having lost everything, she begs Paul to kill her. Paul grants her wish, shooting her in cold blood, while Travis looks on in disbelief. Travis runs back into the house, where he vomits blood into the sink.

Some time later, Sarah tells a visibly diseased Travis it's OK to "let go." Gosh, it's like poetry, ending the same way it started! Paul and Sarah, both infected, then sit at the dining room table, staring at one another. Roll end credits, as the audience groans and shuffles out of the theater.

Thoughts:
• I gotta give props to the A24 Studio's Marketing Department, for coming up with an awesome promotional campaign for It Comes At Night. 

Take the poster, for example. Design-wise it ain't much to look at, but the concept is amazing, as it draws the viewer right into it. What's the dog looking at there in the inky blackness? Some kind of nocturnal monster? A shambling, animated corpse? Bigfoot? A bunny calmly nibbling on grass?

Apparently whatever he sees is none of the audience's business. In the film, Stanley the dog does run into the woods after something, but whatever he's chasing— and whatever injures him— is never addressed.

Too bad the poster's far more intriguing than the actual film.

• The aforementioned trailer is just as deceptive and manipulative. It features quick flashes of disturbing images, in an effort to bamboozle the audience into thinking they're going to watch a standard zombie film.

Unfortunately NONE of these "scary" images appear in the "real" world of the film. Instead they're seen only during Travis' nightmares. I cannot emphasize this enough— anything that's remotely frightening in the trailer is "all just a dream."

• Paul's family has an unusual dynamic— he's while, while his wife Sarah and son Travis are black. This is never commented on or acknowledged in any way during the film, which I assume was supposed to be a progressive statement in itself. 

• Paul and his family are terrified of the mysterious plague, and rightly so. To keep from becoming infected, they wear gas masks and gloves whenever they go outside, and wash up with antibacterial soap when they come back in. 

Annnnnd then they let their dog Stanley tromp around outside and waltz right back into the house. Travis even lets him sleep in his bed! So much for all their precautions!

• Will tells Paul that he traveled a whopping fifty miles from his brother's home, looking for water. FIFTY MILES! That's a hell of a long way to go for a drink! Is potable water really that scarce in this world? Surely to Thor he had to have run across a few bottles of water before he got that far away. How long has this disease been around?

And did he really walk the whole fifty miles? He must have, as he never mentions a car or even a bike!

• After Will and his family arrive, Paul runs down the rules of the house for them. Their most important rule of all is "Never, Ever, EVER Go Out At Night."

Sounds pretty compelling and creepy, eh? This ironclad rule implies there's something horrible in the woods, something that only comes out under cover of darkness. Something Paul and his family have heard, and are terrified of. What could be lurking out there in the inky blackness?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

As I said earlier, there are no monsters, zombies, or anything else even remotely interesting in this movie. Despite the film's title, there's no "It." Apparently the only thing lurking in the woods is the characters' fear of the unknown. How spectacularly disappointing.

• There's some really bad editing going on in the scene in which Paul and Will are attacked while driving though the woods. It looks for all the world like a lone man comes running out of the woods, as Paul shoots at him. We then see Will beating someone in the head with a rock, which I assumed was the lone attacker. 

A bit later we see him throwing two men into a shallow grave. I guess there were actually two men who attacked? Maybe if I watched the movie again this scene would make more sense, but that ain't happening.

• At one point Stanley the dog runs off into the woods after something. Later that night, he somehow gets back in the house, and lies dying on the floor, covered in blood. It looks like he's either sick with the plague or has been attacked— it's not clear which.

So many questions here. How'd Stanley get back in the house? Did Andrew hear him and let him in? If he didn't open the door, who did? Did Stanley get sick and come home to die? If not and he was attacked, what did it? Once again, it's apparently none of our business, as none of these questions are ever answered.

• So far I've been pretty hard on It Comes At Night (and rightly so). Are there any pluses?

Eh, a couple. The film isn't the least bit scary, but it does feature an oppressive and unsettling tone, that's similar to that of 2016's The VVItch. I didn't think much of The VVItch when I first saw it, but it's grown on me over the past year or so, and I have a newfound appreciation of it. So any similarity to it can only be a good thing.

There's also a bleak hopelessness to the film, as we see the characters simply going through the motions of their everyday lives. They're existing rather than actually living. It makes one question whether living in a post apocalyptic world would be worth it.

That's all I got!  

• The final scene, in which the infected Paul and Sarah sit at their kitchen table, silently staring at one another, is taken right out of John Carpenter's 1982 version of The Thing. Hey, if you're gonna steal, might as well steal from the best!

It Comes At Night is a low budget, slow-burn film that starts out promisingly, but sputters and comes to an abrupt stop in its third act. I wanted to like it, but unfortunately my enjoyment was tainted by the highly misleading marketing, which promised a horror film but instead delivered a survivalist family drama. Do yourself a favor and don't watch the trailer beforehand. I give it a C.

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Is That Your Shell, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

June 29, 2017, 8:38 am
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Mondo toys is producing a series of 1/6 scale (approximately 12" high) action figures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The figures are based on the look of the original comic book characters.

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it— toy companies, it's time to stop trying to sculpt tails on TMNT figures. I don't care if it's comic-accurate, please stop.
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 11: World Enough And Time

June 29, 2017, 8:42 am
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Wow! Now THAT was an episode! Holy Christ!

This week on Doctor Who, it's the penultimate episode of Season 10, and man, what a story it was. I have no idea how Moffat's gonna write himself out of this corner!

We're now just one episode away from the end of Peter Capaldi's run on the show. I have to say, I wasn't a huge fan of him when he first started, because his "stern, grumpy" Doctor was quite a jolt after the friendly Tenth and often goofy Eleventh. 

But Capaldi softened quite as he grew into the role, and I'll honestly miss him. That seems to be the pattern I experience every time a new actor takes over the role of the Doctor: Shock, Dislike, Gradual Acceptance, Enjoyment and then Sadness.

With the exception of the three part Monks misfire, Season 10 of the series has been a vast improvement. The plots have been simpler, the concepts more grounded, and the writing more focused. I guess showrunner Steven Moffat was saving his best for last.

This season also benefited greatly from the addition of Pearl Mackie as the Doctor's new companion Bill Potts. So far she's been a shot in the arm, and just what the series needed. I wouldn't mind seeing her stick around for a couple more seasons, but after the events of this episode... I don't know if that's possible.

Season 10 also saw the addition of Matt Lucas as Nardole, the Doctor's comic relief companion. I like Nardole quite a bit, but it's obvious the writers have absolutely no idea what to do with him. He spent the beginning of the season constantly reminding the Doctor of his oath to guard the mysterious Vault. Unfortunately once that storyline was resolved, he's spent the rest of the season literally standing around in the background, like a glorified extra. Hopefully if he sticks around for Season 11, they'll think of something for him to do.

I was glad to see the return of the original 1966 Mondasian Cybermen in this episode. For my money, they were the creepiest versions ever, as they were extremely disturbing and unsettling.

I feel like the show's never really taken advantage of the whole "body horror" concept of the Cybermen. In each subsequent appearance, the Cybermen became more and more robot-like, as if the writers forgot there were supposed to be chopped-up people inside their cybernetic suits. By the time they appeared in the Modern Series, they were pretty much just Daleks in Iron Man armor. Luckily this episode takes them back to their horrific roots.

And now a word or ten about spoilers. Back in the 1982 Doctor Who story Earthshock, the BBC went to great lengths to conceal the fact that the Cybermen were the big bad in Episode 1. Of course that was much easier in those days, since newspapers and TV Guides were the closest thing to social media back then. The point is, when the Cybermen appeared at the end of that episode, all of Great Britain uttered a huge gasp of surprise. Fans still talk about that ending to this day!

Cut to 2017. The BBC gleefully announced that the original Mondasian Cybermen would appear on the show months before Season 10 even aired. Same with the appearance of both Michelle Gomez as Missy and John Simm the Master. And of course they trumpeted the fact that Peter Capaldi would be leaving the show and regenerate sometime during the Christmas Special.

Holy crap, is there anything left that they didn't tell us?

OK, I get that there's a lot of crap out there that's demanding the attention of the viewers, so it's necessary to hype the show and get people interested in watching. But surely there's a way to entice them WITHOUT publishing the goddamned scripts twelve months before they air. Jesus Christ, the BBC even released a freakin' POSTER for this episode, featuring both versions of the Master on it! I miss the days when the Cybermen could unexpectedly appear and knock the audience out of their chairs in utter surprise.

MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:
We begin on a desolate, snowy planet (possibly Mondas?), as the TARDIS materializes on the surface. A disheveled-looking Doctor staggers out, collapses to his knees and begins glowing gold with regeneration energy as he screams "Noooooo!" Cue opening credits.

Apparently the cold open was actually a flash forward to the final episode of the season (or beyond), as we cut to a massive cylindrical spaceship, four hundred miles long and a hundred miles wide. As the camera flies past it, we see various levels of the ship through the windows. The lower levels contain industrial-looking cities, while the higher levels are filled with Earth-type environments— mountains, plains, etc. The ship is perched in front of a massive black hole, and it's reversing engines in a desperate attempt to escape its gravitational field.

The TARDIS materializes on the bridge of the ship, and Missy, Bill and Nardole exit. This is a "test run" for Missy, to see if she really can be a good girl and stop being evil. The Doctor hangs back inside the TARDIS, monitoring her progress.

Missy announces to the empty bridge that she and her "pets" are responding to the ship's distress call. A jittery blue skinned alien named Jorj appears, indicating that "the ones below" have detected a human and are on their way up from the bottom of the ship. He demands to know which of the three is human, and Bill sheepishly admits she's the only one. Jorj apologizes in advance, saying he has to kill her in order to prevent "the ones below" from entering the bridge.

The Doctor sees what's going on and flies out of the TARDIS, trying to reason with Jorj. It doesn't work, and he fires his raygun at Bill, blasting a huge smoldering hole clean through her body! She looks down at her chest for a few seconds for effect, then falls over.

Cut to a flashback of the Doctor explaining to Bill that he wants to give Missy a chance to reform. He tries to talk her into accompanying Missy on a mission and help keep her in line. Bill refuses, saying Missy scares her. She finally agrees, but makes the Doctor promise she won't get killed. He tells her he'll try.

Back on the ship, a group of mummy-like figures exit the elevators and collect Bill, who's somehow not quite dead. The figures assure the Doctor that she'll be "repaired," but refuse to let him come along. Before they take her away, he implants a message in her subconscious: "Wait for me."

Nardole scans the ship and says the bottom levels are teeming with life forms. Jorj says that's impossible, as the ship was just launched and only has a skeleton crew of fifty. The Doctor says the enormous population below are actually the descendants of the crew. 

The Doctor explains that the massive gravity of the black hole is actually distorting time itself. Time's moving incredibly slowly at the top of the ship, which is nearer the black hole. Four hundred miles away at the bottom of the ship, time's moving normally. Because of this, two days have passed on the bridge since the ship was launched, while centuries have gone by on the lower decks.

Bill wakes up in a hospital ward at the bottom of the ship, and sees a cybernetic chest plate has been grafted onto her body. This doesn't seem to concern her all that much, as she gets up and takes a walk. She wanders into a ward filled with patients whose faces are completely covered in gauze masks. One of them taps out the word "PAIN" over and over and over on an electronic vocal device, which may be the creepiest thing I've ever seen on this show. Bill looks out the window of the ward and sees a decayed city, under a vast metal ceiling with "1065" painted on it. Apparently this is the level she's on.

Bill hears footsteps and hides behind a curtain. A nurse enters, along with Zathras from Babylon 5, er, I mean the odd-looking Mr. Razor. He notices Bill hiding, and after the nurse leaves, tells her to follow him.

He takes her to his apartment, where he shows her a live video feed of the Doctor and the others on the bridge. Bill notes that they appear frozen, and Mr. Razor explains the ship's time differential to her. He says she's been in the hospital ward for months, while only seconds have passed for the Doctor on the bridge.

Bill apparently decides to share Mr. Razor's flat, living with him for over a year (!). They pass the time by watching the Doctor, Missy and Nardole on the monitor as they slowly approach the elevator. 

Bill asks Razor about the creepy patients in the ward. He says that over the centuries, the engines have polluted the atmosphere at the bottom of the ship, causing the inhabitants to sicken and die. The hospital then began altering the population to help them survive the toxic environment. All this is in preparation for Project Exodus, an expedition to the top of the ship. When Bill asks why she can't simply take an elevator to reunite with the Doctor, Razor says her cybernetic heart will only work within the confines of the hospital (?).

Eventually the Doctor and the others enter the elevator and start on their way down. Bill asks Razor to take her to  meet the Doctor when he arrives. He agrees, but then betrays her by taking her to an operating room, where she's captured by a group of cybernetically enhanced patients. The Surgeon appears, holding an elaborate headpiece. He tells her the device won't remove the pain caused by the cybernetics, but will make her not care about it.

The Doctor & Co. arrive at the bottom of the ship. The Doctor and Nardole look for Bill, while Missy stays behind to hack into the computer and gather intel. Razor enters the control room and confronts Missy, saying it took him a while to figure out who she really was. He says she's been on the ship before, and that the Doctor will never forgive her for what she did to Bill. Missy has no idea who Razor is or what he's talking about.

The Doctor and Nardole wander into the operating room, where they see a figure in the shadows. It clomps toward them, and the Doctor sees it's an original model Mondasian Cyberman.

Missy calls up a file and sees that the ship isn't from Earth as they thought, but from Mondas. Razor then whips off the mask he's been wearing for years, revealing he's the Harold Saxon incarnation of The Master— the one who preceded Missy.

The Doctor tells the Cyberman he's looking for Bill Potts. The Cybermen stops and says, "I AM BILL POTTS!" in its horrible singsong electronic voice. The two Masters then enter the room and stand next to Cyber Bill. The Master welcomes the Doctor to the Genesis Of The Cybermen. Inside the Cyberman's mask, we see Bill shed a single tear.

Thoughts:
• The cold open might have been more effective if we hadn't just had a "fake regeneration" scene a couple weeks ago in The Lie Of The Land. 

Yes, I realize that Peter Capaldi's leaving the show and the Doctor's due to actually regenerate soon, but I can't help but feel this is yet another fake out. The BBC's already reported that he won't regenerate until the 2017 Christmas Special, so that doesn't bode well for it happening next week in Episode 12.

Maybe this regeneration scene is actually from the final seconds of Episode 12, and the Christmas Special will pick up right where it left off?

• Sigh... I reeeeeeeally could have done without all the lame "Doctor Who" jokes and lines at the beginning of this episode. Showrunner Steven Moffat has specialized in this joke for the past five or six seasons, but he really went overboard with it this week!

For several years now I've been saying that every time Moffat makes a "Doctor who?" joke on the show, he owes me $20. Congratulations, dude! You just paid off one of my credit card bills!

What bothers me most about all this is the fact that the general public really does think the character's name is "Doctor Who." It's been a personal crusade of mine the past couple of decades to educate people that he's just called "The Doctor." No "Who" required, thanks. And then Moffat goes and writes an entire scene implying that's the Doctor's name after all. Feh.

I can understand why the public's confused about the Doctor's name though. After all, the show's called "Doctor Who," so it's only natural to assume that's the character's name as well. Plus he's actually been referred to as "Doctor Who" numerous times in the show's history, both in the stories themselves, as well as in the credits.

Back in The Highlanders, the Second Doctor called himself "Doktor von Wer" (German for "Doctor Who"), and in The Underwater Menace he signed his name "Dr. W." And the Third Doctor drove around in a car with a "WHO" personalized license plate. Why would he have that if it wasn't his name?

So the "Doctor Who"name situation isn't without precedent. But having Missy try to convince Bill that the Doctor's name is Who is a little too meta for my tastes, and brought the episode to a screeching halt. 

• When Bill says the Doctor considers her a friend, Missy's appalled, saying, "Ew, Doctor! Think of the age gap." She then tells him that "Time Lords are friends with each other, dear. Everything else is cradle snatching."

This brings up an issue the show rarely examines: the fact that even a hundred year old human is a child compared to the extremely long-lived Doctor. This was an especially seamy situation during the early days of the Modern Series, when the then-thousand year old Doctor fell in love with the nineteen year old Rose Tyler. Yeah, he might have looked like David Tennant, but he was several centuries old. What the hell would he possibly have to talk about with an air-headed teen?

• This isn't the first time the Doctor's found himself in a place threatened by a black hole. In 2005's The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit, the Doctor and Rose landed on Krop Tor, a planet precariously balanced in orbit around a massive black hole.

• At one point Jorj suggests his ship may have been boarded by something that came out of the black hole. Missy tells him, "Nothing comes out of a black hole!"

Eh, that's not quite true, at least in the Whoniverse. Wayyyyy back in 1972's The Three Doctors, the Doctor and several of his friends traveled through a black hole to an antimatter universe, where they battled the renegade Time Lord Omega. They eventually returned to their own universe by going back through the black hole. 

Missy wasn't present during that adventure, so maybe she doesn't know it's possible to escape one.

• Missy apparently has a "sonic umbrella," which she brandishes in this episode. She's been carrying the umbrella around since her first appearance, but as near as I can tell this is the first time she's used it as a sonic (I may be wrong about that one though).

• Jorj appears to be from the same blue-skinned race as Dahh-Ren from Oxygen. Whatever their race is called, it seems to be a running joke on the show that they all have human-sounding names.

• The Doctor assumes the colony ship is from Earth, since it's filled with humans (except for Jorj). At the end of the episode, Missy discovers the ship and its inhabitants are actually from Mondas, a twin planet of Earth.

That means Mondasians must be absolutely identical to humans then, right? Jorj says the Surgeon detected Bill's "human" life signs on the bridge, and is sending up a squad of proto-Cybermen to retrieve her. If Bill was the least bit different from a Mondasian, the Surgeon wouldn't bother with her, would he?

• I'm struggling to understand how Bill could possibly survive a ten inch hole blown completely through her chest. 

And she most definitely IS somehow still alive, the episode confirms it. When Nardole states that Bill's dead, the Doctor says, "Those things are going to repair her, so clearly she isn’t." Plus the Doctor's able to implant a message into her subconscious, implying she's not quite dead yet.

Later Bill wakes up good as new with a Cyber-heart implanted in her chest. Seems like the Surgeon would have had to fix a lot of other damage while he was at it. Like replacing a good hunk of her spinal column, and probably her lungs as well.

• Although the "Ship Experiences Time At Different Rates" plot was interesting, it wreaked havoc with the plot at times. Seconds after Bill appears on the bridge, the Surgeon detects her and sends up a squad of proto-Cybermen to capture her and bring her to the hospital ward at the bottom of the ship.

But time's moving much slower on the bridge than in the hospital ward. Much, much slower. It probably took the Cybermen a couple of years to travel to the bridge and back. Does that seem right? Would the Surgeon really bother sending a crew on a mission that took that long?

• Shortly after its launch, the colony ship encountered a black hole and reversed course in a desperate attempt to back away from it. In order to do so though, twenty of the crew had to go all the way down to the engine room at the bottom of the ship, and physically push a button marked, "Reverse." Does that sound right?

Shouldn't they be able to control something major like that from the bridge at the top of the ship? If not, why have a bridge at all then? 

It's like this spaceship is a 1900s ocean liner, with a Captain who has to relay orders to a crew below decks when he wants to increase speed or turn.

That's not the only flaw in this poorly-designed colony ship. At one point Mr. Razor says, "This was a good place once, hundreds of years ago, when the settlers first came here, but this ship is old, everything is dying. Our world is rust. Our air is engine fumes."

So... there're no exhaust vents in the ship? The engine pour their fumes right into the habitat levels? That's... that's not a good design.

• The Doctor realizes that due to the time differential at the opposite ends of the ship, the team sent to the bottom to reverse engines ended up reproducing and populating the lower levels. It's now filled with thousands of their descendants.

Jorj says the team consisted of twenty crew members. Is that enough people to create a viable, genetically heathy population? Maybe that's why everyone at the bottom of the ship is so unhealthy! They're all inbreds!

• A few weeks ago in The Lie Of The Land, I noted that the Doctor was wearing a very worn and threadbare coat. I assumed it was tattered because he'd been a captive of the Monks for several months.

He must have liked the look of his scruffy jacket, because he's wearing it again in this episode!

• I don't know whether to blame Steven Moffat or actor John Simm for this, but one of them reeeeeeally liked the late Tim Choate's performance as Zathras on Babylon 5. Mr. Razor doesn't look all that much like Zathras, but his accent, broken speech patterns and even his body language are virtually identical.

Plus, Zathras' first appearance was in a time travel episode of B5, where he played an eccentric caretaker on a miles-long space station!

• I'm struggling to wrap my head around The Master's plan here. Apparently at some point in the past, he encountered the massive Mondasian colony ship and decided, "What the hell, I'll just hang out in there for a few decades." Note that he had no idea he'd ever cross paths with the Doctor there, so he's not there for revenge. Maybe he saw the whole "time differential" thing happening on the ship, and decided to stick around and observe what happened?

Also, for some reason, once he arrived on the ship he donned a weird disguise, even though it's unlikely anyone onboard would have ever looked at him and said, "Hey, you're the Master!"

When the Doctor finally arrives on the ship, the Master somehow recognizes him, even though he's never seen this particular incarnation before. I guess he probably saw him step out of the TARDIS and figured it out. Also, he somehow recognizes Missy as a future version of himself, which is even more impressive. 

Evidently he then decided to screw with the Doctor by befriending befriend Bill, hanging out with her for over a year, then betraying her and handing her over to the Surgeon for Cyber-conversion.

I could see the whole Bill thing being part of an elaborate revenge plot against the Doctor after he arrived, but I have no idea why the Master was on the ship before that.

• After Bill wakes up in the hospital ward, she sees two chronometers side by side on the wall. Both display how much time's passed on the ship since it was launched. The one on the left shows the elapsed time on the bridge. The one on the right displays how much time's passed on level 1056, where Bill is.

A few things about these chronometers...

First of all, they were obviously installed AFTER the ship was caught in the black hole. They had to be, right? There'd be no other reason to have two clocks measuring time at both ends of the ship, unless they PLANNED to get caught in the black hole!

Secondly, when Bill first sees the chronometer, two days have passed on the bridge since the ship was launched. Amazingly, 365,035 days have gone by at the bottom of the ship. Assuming Mondasian days are the same as Earth's, that means 1,000 years have elapsed at the bottom of the ship since it took off! No wonder the place is falling apart!

That means one day on the bridge equals about five hundred years below.

Bill then begins living with Mr. Razor, where they spend their days watching the Doctor move very, very slowly on the bridge. Bill looks at the chronometer again, and it now reads 365, 433, meaning it's been 398 days since she woke up in the hospital ward with her new Cyber-heart. 

Note that Mr. Razor says she was in the hospital ward for "several months" before she woke up, so it's possible she's been on the ship for two years. Somehow I got the impression she was there a lot longer than that.

• When Bill first wakes up in the hospital ward, she wanders into a wing filled with faceless patients. One of them constantly taps out the word "PAIN" on a little Speak N' Spell device.

This was an extremely creepy and unsettling scene, like something out of a nightmare. Kudos to everyone involved!

• When Bill first sees the Doctor on the bridge monitor, she asks Mr. Razor why the image is frozen. He tells her they're not frozen, but moving really, really slow. He says, "They are at top of ship. Top of ship very slow. We are at bottom. Bottom much faster. Very fast bottom."

Welllll, that's not quite true, Mr. Razor. Time IS moving very, very slowly at the top of the ship, but it's moving at normal speed (or close to it) at the bottom. Nitpicky perhaps, but there is a difference.

• Moffat uses this episode to tweak the traditional Cybermen origin a bit. Way back in 1966's The Tenth Planet, we were told that billions of years ago, the Earth and Mondas were twin worlds, orbiting around one another. Mondas was a complete duplicate of Earth, right down to the shape of its continents (which oddly enough, appeared to be upside down!). The inhabitants of Mondas were identical to humans as well.

Then at some point in the distant past, Mondas was knocked out of orbit and sailed off into deep space. As you might imagine, this was bad for the planet's environment, and the Mondasians began dying off in droves. In order to survive, they began replacing their bodies with cybernetic parts, until they were more machine than man. They removed all emotions from their minds as well, in order to "preserve their sanity."

Eventually the Mondasians developed a planetary drive system, so they could fly their world around the galaxy. They then began conquering other planets, turning the inhabitants into Cybermen (just like the Borg!).

When Russell T Davies revived the show in 2005, he must have thought the Cybermen's "twin planet" origin story was too silly for modern audiences. In Rise Of The Cybermen/The Age Of Steel, Davies reintroduced the Cybermen, but revamped their origin so they now came from a parallel universe.

Moffat's script seems to restore the Mondasian "twin planet" origin, with a few tweaks. He's dropped the "Rogue Planet That Can Be Driven Through Space" idea, as the Cybermen now originate on a four hundred mile long colony ship.

• Kudos to the makeup/costume department, for coming up with a "modern" version of the original Mondasian Cybermen.

There's no denying that the original Cybermen were very creepy, with their bandaged faces, unsettling singsong modulated voices and their normal-looking human hands.

That said, those first costumes were pretty crude by today's standards. They honestly looked like the crew raided a junkyard and glued various car and air conditioner parts to the actors. 

These new costumes do an amazing job of honoring the Cybermen's original look, while updating them for modern audiences.

• This episode also solves a minor problem I've always had with the series. Virtually every time the Doctor's encountered the Cybermen over the years, they've always been the latest, most advanced versions.

Why would that be? The Doctor's got a freakin' time machine, for corn's sake! You'd think every now and then he'd run into an older version of the Cybermen for a change.

Thankfully, this episode finally, at long last, rights this grievous oversight.

• On the bridge, the Doctor uses "Venusian Aikido" to overpower Jorj. This is a shoutout to the Third Doctor, who often used it during his run on the show.

Nardole's line about needing four arms to properly perform Venusian Aikido is a reference to Doctor Who novelizations from the 1970s. In those stories, the Doctor boasted that he was one of the few two-armed beings who'd mastered the discipline.

• At one point Mr. Razor confronts Missy, whips off his disguise and reveals he's the Master. This is in keeping with the Classic Series, in which the Master was fond of using disguises to, er, disguise himself.

• The biggest question of the episode is why the hell Missy doesn't immediately recognize the colony ship, and why she doesn't remember living on it for decades as the Master.

In the past, it's been established that when the Doctor meets a future version of himself, he'll forget about it once the episode's over. Take The Day Of The Doctor for example, in which the Eleventh Doctor teamed up with the Tenth Doctor (along with the War Doctor). 

One would think that since Ten was the earlier model, he'd remember the time he ran into Eleven, but he didn't. For some reason— call it cosmic censorship, selective memory or writer fiat— once Ten went back to his own time period, he had no memory of his encounter with his future self.  

But just the opposite's happening here. The Master is the previous version, and Missy's the current one. For some reason, Missy has absolutely no memory of ever being on the colony ship, while the Master seems to know all about her— even the fact that the Doctor's trying to de-evilize her!

So what the hell's going on here? Is it possible that this version of the Master isn't the previous one after all? What if he's the NEXT version? Maybe at some point in the future, Missy regenerates into the John Simm Master again. That would definitely explain her selective amnesia in this episode, but I doubt that's what's going on here.

The real reason why Missy doesn't remember of course is, once again, "plot contrivance." If Missy remembered being on the ship before, then everyone would have realized who Mr. Razor was the second he showed up, and Moffat couldn't have done his big reveal at the end.

Hopefully this is something that'll be cleared up in the next episode. It'll probably be written by Steven Moffat though, so don't bet on it.

• When the Doctor sees Bill's been turned into a Cyberman, Nardole says they could use the TARDIS to go back in time and rescue her. The Doctor says, "This close to a black hole, we'll never be able to pilot her accurately."

Sigh... this is yet another plot contrivance. The Doctor can pilot the TARDIS anywhere in time or space, except when it's inconvenient to the storyline

• At the end of the episode, the Master tells the Doctor he's witnessing "The Genesis Of The Cybermen."

This is obviously a not-so-subtle reference to the Tom Baker story Genesis Of The Daleks, which aired in 1975. It's the one that introduced Davros, creator of the Dalek race.

It may also be a nod to a proposed storyline called Genesis Of The Cyberman, which was written in 1981 by Doctor Who script editor Gerry Davis. For whatever reason, then-showrunner John Nathan-Turner rejected the script and it was never filmed.

• We've had multiple Doctor stories before, in which he met previous incarnations of himself. As near as I can tell though, this is the first time we've had a multiple Master episode.

• At the very end of the episode, we see a closeup of Bill inside her Cyberman headgear, as she sheds a single tear (out the wrong side of her eye). This tear then runs out the lens of her Cyberman mask.

So Moffat just explained why every model of Cybermen seen after The Tenth Planet has that "teardrop" cutout in the corner of their eyes, didn't he? It's because they're in constant pain, or remembering their humanity.

And here I thought the teardrop was to show a Cyberman had killed someone...

• This Week's Best Lines: 
Missy: (bursting from the TARDIS) "Hello! I’m Doctor Who! And these are my plucky assistants, Thing One and the Other One."
Bill: "Bill."
Nardole: "Nardole."
Missy: "We picked up your distress call and here we are to help, like awesome heroes!"
Bill:"Yeah, we’re not we’re not assistants."
Missy: "Ok, right, so what does he call you? Companions? Pets? Snacks?"
(apparently Missy's a fan of Dr. Seuss!)

Missy: (seeing Jorj) "Oh, hello, what have we got here?! You’re probably handsome, aren’t you? Congratulations on your relative symmetry."
(this line confirms the idea that Time Lords have no idea whether a particular human is attractive or not, something the Twelfth Doctor struggled with when Clara traveled with him)
Jorj:"Who are you?"
Missy:"Well, I am that mysterious adventurer in all of time and space, known only as Doctor Who, and these are my disposables Exposition and Comic Relief."
(that may be the single most meta line in the fifty-plus year history of Doctor Who)

The Doctor:"Nardole agreed."
Nardole: "No, I didn’t."
The Doctor: "You did in my head, which is good enough for me."

Bill: "So, Time Lords, bit flexible on the whole man/woman thing, then, yeah?"
The Doctor: "We are the most civilised civilisation in the universe. We’re billions of years beyond your petty human obsession with gender and its associated stereotypes."
Bill: "But you still call yourselves Time Lords?"
The Doctor:"Yeah, shut up."

Bill:"So promise me one thing, yeah? Promise you won’t get me killed."
The Doctor: "I’m sorry. I can’t promise you that."
Bill: "Thanks!"
The Doctor:"I mean, look, you’re human, and humans are so mortal."
Bill:"Cheers!"
The Doctor: "I mean, you pop like balloons. I mean, one heart. It’s your most important organ, and you’ve no back up. It’s like a budget cut."
Bill: "You’ll try and keep me alive?"
The Doctor: "Within reason."
Bill: "Thanks, mate!"
(Moffat must have just watched The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey right before he wrote this scene. Also, I love the line about humans popping like balloons)

Bill: (indicating the proto-Cyberman who keeps tapping "PAIN") "What about him?"
Mr. Razor: "It’s all right. They don’t feel pain."
Bill:"I think they do."Mr. Razor: "Yes, they do."
Bill: "So why did you say they don’t?"
Mr. Razor: "It was a clever lie, but you see straight through me."Mr. Razor: "Do you want the good tea or the bad tea?"
Bill: "What’s the difference?"
Mr. Razor: "I call one good, one bad."
Bill:"Er, I’ll take the good one."Mr. Razor: "Excellent, positive attitude. Will help with the horror to come."

The Doctor: "Right, we need to find out more about this ship."
Nardole:"On it."
The Doctor: "No. Missy, you do it. Nardole, you come with me."
Nardole:"But I'm the computer guy. That's always me."
The Doctor: "Sorry, she's cleverer."
Nardole:"She's more evil."
Missy: "Same thing."
The Doctor:"It really isn't."
Missy:"Oh, it is a little bit. A little bit the same."
Missy: (to Mr. Razor) "Hello, ordinary person. Please maintain a minimum separation of three feet. I’m really trying not to kill anyone today, but it would be tremendously helpful if your major arteries were out of reach."

The Master: "Hello, Missy. I’m the Master, and I’m very worried about my future."

Missy: (to the Doctor) "This is not an exodus, is it? More of a beginning, really, isn’t it?"
CyberBill:"I waited."
The Master:"In fact, do you know what I’d call it? I’d call it a genesis."
Missy:"You’ve met the ex?"
The Master:"Specifically, the Genesis of the Cybermen."
(somehow the Master refrains from winking into the camera when he says this)
↧

It Came From The Cineplex: The Mummy

July 3, 2017, 2:13 pm
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The Mummy, which is not to be confused with The Mummy (1911), The Mummy (1932), The Mummy (1959) or The Mummy (1999) was written by David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman. Yes, somehow it took three people to write this script, and I'm convinced none of them ever communicated with each other at any point. It was directed by Alex Kurtzman.

Oddly enough The Mummy has some actual talent behind the screen, as it was written by people who've done some very good work in the past. This makes it all the more puzzling that The Mummy turned out so... bland. I guess you can't hit a homer every time at bat.

Koepp is a prolific and wildly uneven screenwriter who's penned some amazing films as well as his share of dogs. He previously wrote Dark Angel, Toy Soldiers, Death Becomes Her,Jurassic Park (!), Carlito's Way, The Shadow, Mission: Impossible, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Snake Eyes, Stir Of Echoes, Panic Room, Spider-Man (!), Secret Window, War Of The Worlds, Zathura: A Space Adventure, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (yikes), Ghost Town, Angels & Demons, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and Inferno. Whew!

McQuarrie previously wrote The Usual Suspects, The Way Of The Gun, The Tourist, Jack Reacher, Jack The Giant Slayer, Edge Of Tomorrow and Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation. Kussman is primarily an actor, whose previous writing credits were Burn (?) and the TV series The Steps (??).

Alex Kurtzman is a very successful producer and writer of horrible films that somehow rake in hundreds of millions of dollars. He partnered with fellow horrible hack Roberto Orci for many years, creating and writing various TV series before branching into films. The two wrote The Island, The Legend Of Zorro, Mission: Impossible III, Transformers (!), Star Trek (the JJ Abrams one), Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (!!), Cowboys & Aliens, People Like Us, Star Trek Into Darkness (!!!) and The Amazing Spider-Man 2. His sole theatrical directing credit was 2012's People Like Us, a low budget indie drama starring Chris Pine. Which of course makes him the perfect choice to direct a big budget, special effects-laden action/adventure movie like The Mummy!

Jon Spaihts, Alex Kurtzman and Jenny Lumet also get "story by" credit (which means they came up with the initial concept, but it was heavily rewritten by someone else).

Take any of Tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible films, mash it up with some Egyptian mysticism, add a healthy dose of Marvel Studios superheroics and you'll have a pretty good idea what this movie's like. Oh, and be sure and strip it of anything even remotely scary as well!

The film isn't quite as terrible as most critics are saying, but it definitely ain't good either. Mostly it's just plain deadly dull. I just checked and was amazed to see that the official runtime is listed as 107 minutes. That's gotta be a mistake, as it felt more like four hours.

The Mummy 2017 is the first film in Universal Studios' desperate attempt to start up their own shared movie world, which they've imaginatively dubbed "Dark Universe." Oy. This is obviously a blatant attempt to ape Marvel Studios and their highly lucrative cinematic universe.

Universal had great success in the 1930s and 1940s with their Classic Monster series, producing films featuring the Frankenstein Monster, Dracula, the Wolfman, the Mummy, the Bride Of Frankenstein, the Invisible Man, the Phantom Of The Opera and the Creature From The Black Lagoon.

In 1943 Universal invented the concept of the shared movie universe with the release of Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman. The film was a direct sequel to both The Ghost Of Frankenstein and The Wolfman. For the first time ever, a studio took characters from two different series and teamed them up in one movie.

Critics hated the film, but the public ate it up. In fact it was so popular that Universal continued the trend and released House Of Frankenstein in 1944 and House Of Dracula in 1945. Both films teamed up Frankenstein and the Wolfman again, but this time added Dracula to the mix. 

In 1948 they released Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, which paired the comedy duo with the Big Three monsters for laughs. The film spawned an amazing three sequels: Abbott And Costello Meet The Invisible Man, Abbott And Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde and Abbot And Costello Meet The Mummy. After that the "Monster Team Up Craze" petered out and died.

And here we are seven decades later, as Universal desperately tries to come up with another cinematic universe. They've been trying to start up a new one for ten years now, with disastrous results. They hoped that 2010's The Wolfman would usher in a new series of Classic Monster remakes. When that didn't work, they tried again with 2014's Dracula Untold, reshooting the ending to imply it was part of a shared world. Unfortunately audiences stayed away in droves, so they're trying yet again with, for some reason, The Mummy.

Every film studio in Hollywood wants a piece of that sweet, sweet Marvel Studios Cinematic Universe pie, but they're all going about it completely backwards. See, back in 2008, Marvel released Iron Man, a standalone superhero film with an end credit scene that hinted at a larger universe. Over the course of the next five years, they slowly and deliberately built on that small foundation, expanding their movie world a bit at a time. This culminated in 2012's The Avengers, the ultimate shared universe team up film.

Sadly, Marvel's slow-but-sure method is too much like work for other studios. They want their shared universes, and they want 'em NOW. Screw all that patient world-building! Why establish individual characters and then team them up later, when you can start with the combo right out of the gate?

Sadly, this "cart before the horse" method never, ever works, but studios just keep on trying it anyway. Earlier this year Lionsgate Studios released their Power Rangers film, which they proudly proclaimed would be the first of a six movie franchise. The poor box office response pretty much guarantees that'll never happen.

A few months later Warner Bros. tried the exact same thing with King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword, which was allegedly another attempt to start up a six film series. Once again, audiences said no thanks, and plans for King Arthur 6 were cruelly dashed.

Maybe someday a studio will set up a successful shared universe by carefully following the steps Marvel took, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Universal practically built their studio on the backs of their atmospheric, moody horror films. They're throwing all that away with The Mummy, as they attempt to turn their characters into a Marvel superheroes. I cannot emphasize this enough— The Mummy is NOT a horror film. There's nothing the least bit scary about it, as instead it's an action-packed superhero origin story.

Seriously! Tom Cruise's Nick Morton character is basically Tony Stark, a "lovable" jerk who gains superpowers and learns to become a hero by the end of the film. There giant action setpieces sprinkled throughout the film, as Nick battles an army of villains. There's even a Nick Fury analogue, who works for a top secret agency that's recruiting a team of "good" monsters to fight "bad" ones! Like a said, it's a superhero movie!

Part of me applauds the fact that Universal tried to do something a bit different here. After all, The Mummy's a property that's almost eighty years old— it's overdue for a fresh approach. But turning it into a superhero film wasn't the answer.

So what's Universal's endgame with their little Dark Universe? Have they really thought this idea through? They recently released a photo of the stars of their planned films, which consists of Tom Cruise (age 54) as the Mummy, Russell Crowe (age 53) as Dr. Jekyll, Johnny Depp (age 54) as the Invisible Man, Xavier Bardem (age 48) as the Frankenstein Monster and the baby of the group, Sofhia Boutella (age 35) as additional mummy Ahmanet. 

Oddly enough, the next entry in their Dark Universe series is supposedly The Bride Of Frankenstein, which is schedule to premiere in 2019 (why they're doing Bride Of Frankenstein before Frankenstein, I have absolutely no idea). That seems like an awfully long time to go between movies that are supposed to be interconnected. In comparison, Marvel Studios has carefully and deliberately released two movies per year since 2008.

Anyway, by 2019 Bardem will be 50. I'm assuming Crowe will show up, since, as Dr. Jekyll, he's the glue that holds the universe together. If he does, he'll be 55 then. If Cruise deigns to make a cameo in the film, he'll be 56. Lord knows how old Depp will be if and when they ever get around to making an Invisible Man movie.

See what I'm getting at here? How long are they planning to milk this franchise? Whatever they're going to do, they'd better hurry up and do it fast, before all their rapidly aging stars shuffle off to the retirement home!

By the way, regarding this Dark Universe: if The Invisible Man movie ever gets made, I GUARANTEE you that Johnny Depp will NOT spend the entire movie in a transparent state/ There's no way in hell Universal will pay him millions of dollars to not show up in a film. I bet it'll be like Memoirs Of An Invisible Man.

As you've probably gathered by now, The Mummy is a critical and box office flop (at least here in the States). So who's responsible? Is it Universal, for greenlighting a film no one asked for in the first place, and using it to jump start a shared universe?

Or does the blame lie with Alex Kurtzman, a hugely inexperienced director with one little indie film under his belt?

Amazingly, Universal Studios is blaming actor Tom Cruise! According to an article in Variety, Cruise saw Kurtzman floundering in the director's chair and shoved him aside, taking full control of the film. He allegedly even had the script re-written to beef up his part and downplay the role of the titular creature. He supposedly even supervised the editing and marketing of the movie as well!

According to Frank Walsh, The Mummy's supervising art director:
"This is very much a film of two halves: before Tom and after Tom. I have heard the stories about how he drives everything and pushes and pushes, but it was amazing to work with him. The guy is a great filmmaker and knows his craft. He will walk onto a set and tell the director what to do, say ‘that’s not the right lens,’ ask about the sets, and as long as you don’t fluff what you’re saying to him, he’s easy to work for (!)”
Whether any of this is true or not, it seems like a particularly dickish move on Universal's part to throw Cruise under the bus like that, placing the blame for the film's failure squarely on his shoulders. It's just gonna piss him off, and virtually guarantee he'll never star in another Dark Universe film again. Well done, Universal Studios! Way to spite that old face!

R.I.P. Universal Studios' Dark Universe: 2017 - 2017

So far the movie's underperforming at the U.S. box office, earning just $74 million against its reported $125 million budget. It's been saved by the overseas market though, where it's grossed a whopping $275 million, for a worldwide total of $349 million. Thanks a lot, China!

Due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies need to gross about twice their production budget just to break even. The Mummy passed that point, but it's still far from a runaway hit. There are reports that the actual budget was closer to $190 million. If that's true, then it's unlikely the film will ever turn a profit.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
In 1157 London, a group of Crusader knights place a glowing red jewel in the hands of a fallen comrade and bury him in a catacomb. If you don't immediately recognize this jewel as a major Plot Point, then you've never seen a movie before.

Cut to the present day, when the catacomb is unearthed by construction workers. They're dismissed by Dr. Henry Jekyll (played by Russell Crowe), who assumes full control of this major archeological find. He sees a hieroglyphic symbol on the wall, which launches him into the first of many lengthy voiceovers as he infodumps the history of Princess Ahmanet (played by Sofia Boutella).

Ahmanet was a warrior in ancient Egypt who was all set to inherit the throne from her father, Pharaoh Menehptre. But then dad had to go and have a son with one of his wives, which automatically eliminated Ahmanet from the running. She made a deal with Set, the Egyptian god of death, who gave her a magic dagger in exchange for a corporeal body. She killed her entire family with the dagger, making her the sole heir to the throne. Then, per their deal, she prepared to stab her boyfriend with the dagger, which would allow Set to inhabit his body. She was stopped in the nick of time by a group of Menehptre's priests, who mummified her alive and took her sarcophagus out of Egypt, burying it in what is now Iraq. Got all that? Eh, don't worry, they'll repeat it again later.

Cut to present day Iraq. Civilian mercenary Nick Morton (played by a badly miscast Tom Cruise) and his pal, army Sgt. Chris Vail (played by Jake Johnson) are scoping out a small city that's occupied by insurgents. Nick has a map, which leads him to believe the city houses ancient treasure that'll make them both rich. He talks Chris into following him into the city.

Naturally things go wrong, as they're hopelessly outnumbered and pinned down by enemy gunfire on the roof of a building. Chris calls in a "small, precision" airstrike (?) which scares off the insurgents. They're still not safe though, as their building collapses, causing a deep hole to open in the ground and revealing the lost Tomb Of Ahmanet. Wow, what a coincidence!

Col. Greenway, and tears Nick and Chris new assholes for risking their lives and calling in unauthorized airstrikes. Why he doesn't just arrest them on the spot isn't made clear. Just then, archaeologist Jenny Halsey (played by Annabelle Wallis) shows up from somewhere (was she with Greenway?) and punches Nick, accusing him of stealing her map after sleeping with her. She forgets all about Nick though as soon as she sees Amhamet's Tomb.

Jenny wants to properly explore the Tomb, but Greenway only gives her one hour. For some reason, he orders Nick and Chris to help her. They descend into the Tomb, where they see a series of six statues facing inward toward a pool of mercury, which contains Ahmanet's sarcophagus. Nick and Chris pilfer gold and jewels while Jenny studies the tomb. Jenny sees there are chains holding down the sarcophagus and dramatically states, "This isn't a tomb. It's a prison!"

Jenny wants to raise the sarcophagus, but can't find any way of freeing it from the pool of mercury. Nick carelessly shoots one of the chains, which for some reason causes a series of weights and pulleys to lift the sarcophagus from the pool. Why this would happen when Jenny just said the chains were holding down the coffin, I have no idea. Nick then has a vision of Ahmanet calling to him. As he snaps out of it, he sees hundreds of camel spiders crawling out of the walls. Chris freaks out and begins shooting at them, as one bites him in the neck.

Cut to a chopper lifting the sarcophagus out of the prison, as Jenny has it loaded into a cargo plane. For some reason, Nick and Chris accompany her as well. The plane takes off just seconds before a gigantic sandstorm engulfs the area. 

Onboard the plane, Nick has another vision of Ahmanet. Meanwhile, a visibly poisoned Chris gets up and tries to cut the sarcophagus free so he can open it. Greenway tells him to knock it off, and Chris stabs him twice in the chest. A couple of soldiers pull their guns on Chris, as Nick begs them to stand down. He grabs a soldier's gun and tells them to back off from his friend. Well, until Chris starts trying to stab him, that is. Then he shoots Chris himself, killing him (!).

Suddenly a huge flock of ravens flies into the plane, crashing through the cockpit and killing the crew. In the film's signature setpiece, the plane dives straight down, as the passengers float weightlessly around the cargo hold. Several soldiers are sucked out the hatch, before Nick finds a parachute and gives it to Jenny. She puts it on and Nick pulls the ripcord, which yanks her violently out of the plane, no doubt breaking her neck or back. The plane then crashes with Nick onboard.

Nick wakes up inside a body bag in a London morgue, without a scratch on him. The ghost of Chris appears, exactly like Jack Goodman in An American Werewolf In London, and tells him they're both cursed. Just then, Jenny's brought in to identify Nick's body, and is shocked to see him standing there talking to nothing.

At the plane crash site, two lone policemen sift through the wreckage. One finds the opened sarcophagus, while the other finds Ahmanet's shriveled, mummified body. He sticks his face closer and closer to hers, practically touching it. To absolutely no one's surprise, she springs into action, sucking the life-force from the cop. She does the same to the other one, and they then become her shambling, undead thralls.

Meanwhile, Nick and Jenny sit in a pub, discussing everything that's happened. Nick sees Ghost Chris motioning to him, and meets him in the rest room. Ghost Chris says that Ahmanet has chosen Nick to be the new host for Set. Naturally this unnerves Nick, and he runs into an alley. He's attacked by a swarm of rats, as Ahmanet's bony body crawls toward him. Suddenly he snaps out of it, and finds himself standing outside next to Jenny. He tells her he's been seeing visions of Ahmanet.

Jenny infodumps some more backstory, telling Nick that after Ahmanet was buried, the Dagger Of Set was broken in half and buried in two separate locations for safe keeping. Too bad the Crusaders didn't just, oh, I don't know, destroy the goddamned thing and be done with it! Anyway, the dagger was hidden in a church somewhere in England, while the red jewel was buried with a Crusader (which we saw at the beginning of the movie). Without the jewel, the Dagger's powerless.

Nick says he knows where to find the Dagger, and leads her to a church near the plane crash. Nick enters the church and is immediately attacked by an almost completely restored Ahmanet and her minions. She breaks a small statue open and takes the Dagger from inside it. Just how she knew it was inside that particular statue is left to our imaginations. The minions hold down Nick as Ahmanet raises the Dagger over her head, intent on stabbing him.

Just then Jenny enters, interrupting the ceremony. Nick takes advantage of the distraction, grabs the Dagger and Jenny and runs outside. They steal a police van and race through the woods, as Ahmanet's zombie minions try to stop them. One of them causes the van to crash, trapping Jenny inside and throwing Nick clear. Ahmanet approaches him, but she's captured by a team of soldiers with high-tech gear.

Nick and Jenny are taken to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, er, I mean Prodigium, a super-secret facility under the Natural History Museum Of London. Nick Fury, er, I mean Dr. Jekyll welcomes Nick to Prodigium, explaining that the organization is dedicated to discovering, studying and controlling monsters. Jekyll then explains Ahmanet's origin story yet again as he explains it to Nick (and the audience as well). Nick sees Ahmanet chained in the center of the room, her body being pumped full of mercury to weaken her. 

Nick is concerned about the way they're treating Ahmanet, and walks toward her. She gives him the sad eyes as she pleads with him, promising he'll become a living god if he helps her escape. Nick snaps out of it and returns to Jekyll's office, where he's surprised to see that Jenny actually works for Prodigium, and Jekyll's her boss. Jenny asks Jeckyll what he's going to do with Nick, and he says he'll have to be killed to prevent Set from possessing him. Not surprisingly, Nick is against this.

Right on cue, Jekyll begins transforming into his evil alter-ego, Mr. Hyde. He reaches for his serum, but Nick grabs it, demanding to be released. A Prodigium grunt pulls Jenny out of the office as it seals shut and alarms sound. Jekyll transforms fully into Hyde, and begins tossing Nick around. Nick manages to inject Hyde with the serum before he kills him. He transforms back into Jekyll.

Meanwhile, Ahmanet summons a small spider (again with the spiders!) that crawls across the chamber and bites a Prodigium tech. He gets up and stops the mercury flow, which allows Ahmanet to break her chains. She grabs the Dagger and heads toward Nick. He and Jenny run from the museum and out onto the street. Ahmanet follows, conjuring up a sandstorm that engulfs the entire city.

Nick and Jenny flee into the sewers below London, where they're chased by a horde of Ahmanet's undead minions. They dive into the water to escape, and surface in a small tunnel. Ahmanet appears and pulls Jenny deep down into the water. Nick swims after them, but is captured by zombies. They just happen bring him up in the Crusader chamber from the beginning of the movie. Another amazing coincidence! Nick's horrified to see that Jenny's drowned body lying lifeless in a shallow pool.

Ahmanet senses the jewel in one of the Crusader coffins and opens it. She retrieves the jewel and places it on the Dagger. She confronts Nick with the Dagger, saying it's his destiny to become a vessel for Set. He tries to fight her, but she easily knocks him across the room. She's then horrified when she sees that Nick palmed the Dagger when she wasn't looking.

Nick smashes the Dagger on the stone floor, trying to destroy the red jewel. It cracks, and Ahmanet pleads with him to stop, tempting him by saying he'll have control over life and death if he lets Set possess him. He holds the Dagger out to her and she reaches longingly for it. For some reason he then stabs himself with it. He's now possessed by Set, and inexplicably punches Ahmanet a few times before sucking the life force from her. She turns back into a shriveled mummy and he tosses her aside. Nick then uses his newfound powers to bring Jenny back to life. She tries to get him to come with her, saying Prodigium can help rid him of his curse, but he says it's something he has to figure out for himself.

Jekyll and Jenny then place Ahmanet's body into a mercury-filled sarcophagus, so she'll be free to come back in The Mummy 2: Retribution. Jenny wonders what'll happen to Nick, and Jekyll says he'll have to decide which side he's on, and hopes his humanity will win out. He says they may need Nick's help someday, as "only a monster can defeat another monster." The audience then groans, realizing this entire movie had nothing to do with Ahmanet and was actually Nick's origin story.

Cut to Nick in the desert, his hands and face wrapped in bandages for absolutely no reason at all. Chris is there as well, and awkwardly thanks Nick for bringing him back to life. They take off on horseback on another adventure.

Thoughts: 
• When I first read that this movie would be set in the present day, I thought it was a mistake. I seemed like it would work much better as a period piece, like the 1932 version of The Mummy.

But then I remembered that version of the film actually was set in the present at the time it was released! It just seems like an historical film because we're watching it eighty years after the fact.

So I can't really fault this new Mummy for its modern setting. That said, I still think the idea of mummies, Egyptian tombs and grave robbing just seems better suited to the past.

• I mentioned in the plot synopsis that Tom Cruise is completely miscast in this film, and it's true. The character of Nick Morton is supposed to be a "lovable rogue," someone the audience likes and roots for in spite of his selfish actions.

Unfortunately Cruise doesn't have the acting range to pull that off. Instead of being a Han Solo type, he just comes off as an insufferable asshole. Even after he sacrifices himself to save Jenny, I still saw him as a jerk.

Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, Bradley Cooper or even Taron Egerton would all have been much better choices, and made much more convincing scoundrels. Those casting choices would never happen though, as Universal insisted on "star power."

By the way, Tom Cruise? You're 54 and your leading lady in this movie is 32. Literally young enough to be your daughter. It's time to stop pretending you're in your 30s.

• For a movie called The Mummy, very little of it actually takes place in Egypt, as you'd expect. There's a short prologue and a tiny bit at the end that take place there, but that's it. The bulk of the film is set in London for some inexplicable reason.

• Ahmanet gets the plot rolling when she makes a deal with Set. He gives her a magic  dagger, which she uses to kill her family so she can inherit her dad's throne. Yeah, did she really need the help of a death god and magical cutlery to do that? She kills a lady and a baby and then slices an old man's throat while he's asleep. She couldn't have done that on her own with a plain old everyday knife?

• I was going to go into a rant about how Dr. Jekyll says Ahmanet was captured by priests and "mummified alive." 

Yeah, that's not possible, and is a huge contradiction in terms. Mummification is literally the preservation of a body after death. It was an exacting ritual that involved removing the subject's origins and placing them in canoptic jars, a process that took around seventy days.

But pretty much EVERY Mummy movie ever made has featured a scene in which the titular character was "mummified alive." They did it to Boris Karloff in The Mummy 1932, to Christopher Lee in The Mummy 1959 and to Arnold Vosloo in The Mummy 1999. 

It's like a tradition at this point, so I can't squawk too much about it. Maybe they could just say, "buried alive" instead though?

• Once Ahmanet was mummified, her body was taken from Egypt all the way to what is modern day Iraq, to dishonor her soul or something. Um... the distance between Cairo and Baghdad is eight hundred miles, give or take. That's a pretty hefty distance in this day and age. It would have taken weeks, if not months, to travel that far in ancient times. Those priests must have reeeeeeally wanted to dishonor her!

• Nick is some kind of mercenary or soldier of fortune, so it makes a certain amount of sense that he can travel the world as he pleases. But what's the deal with his pal Chris? He's a Sargent in the U.S. army. Why's he following Nick around? Was he assigned to protect him for some incomprehensible reason? Or is he a special soldier who has complete autonomy, and can go anywhere and do anything he wants?

• After disturbing Ahmanet's tomb, Chris is bitten by a magical camel spider and becomes deathly ill. It has to be a magical one, because as Nick correctly points out, camel spiders aren't venomous. It's bite shouldn't have affected him at all.

Later on Chris becomes worse, as his skin turns a sickly white, his eyes grow cloudy and his blood vessels darken and become visible beneath his skin. Yet somehow no one around him seems to notice his obvious and dire condition.

Is this some weird case of the audience being able to see Chris' sickness, but the characters in the world of the film can't?

• The cargo plane containing Ahmanet's body takes off from somewhere in Iraq. Sometime later it crashes near London, England, a distance of about 3,100 miles, which would take around eight hours by plane.

To be fair, we have no idea how long the plane was in the air. At one point Nick has another of his visions. When he finally comes to, Jenny's tapping away on her laptop, while Greenway is dozing in his seat. Obviously some amount of time passed while Nick was out. Was he really in his trance for eight hours? That seems unlikely. Did no one ever try to talk to him in all that time, or notice him staring off into space for eight hours?

• This is some hardcore nitpicking, but whatever. After the cargo plane crashes, the British police send out a massive squad of two officers to investigate. Why do these English cops say the plane wreckage is spread out over two miles? Shouldn't they be saying "3.2 kilometers?"

Told you it was hardcore!

• Once she's resurrected, why does Ahmanet have double irises in her eyes? It happens to Nick as well after he's stabbed by the Dagger.

Is this supposed to indicate they're possessed by evil spirits? That explanation would make sense for Nick, since he's possessed by Set (sort of) at the end of the movie. But as far as I know no one's possessing Ahmanet. So why's she have double eyes? Because it look kewl?

Believe it or not, there's sort of a precedent for this. In many ancient cultures, it was believed that a person with two pupils in each eye had special powers. People believed they possessed the "evil eye"— literally!

Whether the screenwriters knew about this or it's just a coincidence, I can't say. If I had to guess though, I'd say it's the latter.

• Credit where credit's due: Ahmanet's zombified minions looked really good, and were easily the scariest thing in the whole movie. Seriously, they were far more terrifying than Ahmanet, and honestly I'd rather have seen a movie starring them.

Kudos to the makeup department that created the grotesque minions!

• Ahmanet's zombie minions highlight one of the main problems with The Mummy— it's just not the least bit scary.

In an effort to be diverse, progressive and inclusive, the producers gender-flipped the titular monster, making her a woman. But not just any woman— this new lady mummy isn't some rotting, shambling corpse wrapped in filthy bandages, laws no. She's a sexy and alluring waif who uses her seductive powers against her victims. And there lies the problem— sexy mummies aren't scary.

• Someone on The Mummy's writing staff reeeeeeeally likes An American Werewolf In London. In fact they like the film so much they stole one of its best bits! Check it out:

In The Mummy, after Chris is killed his ghost begins appearing to Nick from time to time, dispensing advice as well as explaining the plot to the audience. Ghost Chris still has bullet holes in his chest from where Nick shot him.

In An American Werewolf In London, after Jack Goodman is killed his ghost begins appearing to David Kessler from time to time, dispensing advice as well as explaining the plot to the audience. Ghost Jack's face still has horrific claw marks from an attack by a werewolf.

Seriously, these scenes aren't an homage to An American Werewolf In London, they're wholesale theft. It's so blatant it's actually shocking.

• When Nick is taken to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ er, I mean Prodigium, he's led through a large storage area filled with hundreds of jars full of preserved artifacts. 

This little scene is obviously here to help advertise set up future Dark Universe films. In fact it's the equivalent of the "Wonder Woman Sits At Her Computer And Watches YouTube Videos Of Potential Justice League Members" scene from Batman V Superman. 

Thankfully this scene's slightly less clunky and obtrusive than that one was.

Among the artifacts Nick sees stored at Prodigium: a scaly hand, that presumably belonged to a Creature From The Black Lagoon-type Gill Man.

He also sees a skull with very pronounced fangs, which is obviously meant to set up the existence of vampires in this world.

A bit later, when Dr. Jekyll transforms into Mr. Hyde, Jenny grabs a large book off a shelf and uses it to clonk a Prodigium grunt in the head.

We then see it's the Book Of The Dead from 1999's The Mummy, aka The One With Brendan Fraser. The book's got the same star-shaped lock and everything. So what do we think here? Playful Easter egg, or proof that the much more fun 1999 Mummy movie is part of the Dark Universe?

• Nick meets Nick Fury, er, I mean Dr. Henry Jekyll, the head of S.H.I.E.L.D., er, I mean Prodigium. As they speak, Jekyll casually injects himself with his serum to prevent him from transforming into Mr. Hyde.

Less than fifteen minutes later, it's apparently time for another injection, as Jekyll starts to transform and reaches for his syringe.

Seriously? He really has to inject himself that often? God forbid he ever falls asleep!

• I'm confused by Dr. Jekyll's motivation in the film. Jekyll introduces himself to Nick, and they chat pleasantly for a while. Nick then sees Ahmanet chained up in the center and the room, and seems concerned for her welfare. Apparently this behavior concerns Jekyll (I guess?), and he announces that Nick has to die for the good of the world. He's then fully prepared to kill Nick right then and there.

Then at the end of the movie, Jekyll vows to do whatever he can to help Nick and lift his curse. Wha...?

So what changed? Why'd he want to flat-out execute him one minute, and help him the next? Apparently it's none of our concern, as the conundrum's never dealt with.

• If you stick Dr. Jekyll into a movie, its inevitable that at some point he's gonna transform into Mr. Hyde— it's state law. Sure enough, shortly after he's introduced, Jekyll misses an injection and changes into his chaotic alter-ego.

Sadly, this consists of his eyes turning red, his skin becoming pale, his accent becoming more Cockney and... well, that's about the extent of his change. Talk about a disappointment! Heck, the real Russell Crowe is scarier than this. Especially when he starts beating up photographers!

In fact I think the 1931 version of Mr. Hyde looked more menacing almost NINETY years ago!

• I've been re-watching the original Twin Peaks recently, so when I saw Ahmanet strung up like this at Prodigium...

I couldn't help but think of Agent Cooper's dream, in which Laura Palmer said this.

• Let's talk poster design, shall we? The Mummy poster features one of the butt-ugliest, all-time worst layouts I think I've ever seen. It's dark, desaturated and worst of all, muddy looking. It looks for all the world like it fell in a puddle of stagnant, brackish water. Everything about it offends my eye.

Plus it seems to feature a thousand foot tall Tom Cruise looking puzzled as he stomps around downtown London during a sandstorm.

Seriously, what the hell happened to the art of movie poster design? There used to be some real works of art hanging in cineplexes. I miss those days.

I'm not crazy about this design either, but it's like a Rembrandt painting compared to the Cruise-centric poster.

• After Ahmanet was buried alive, a group of Crusader Knights took her Magic Dagger and broke it in half. To keep it safely de-powered, they hid the knife half inside a statue in a church, while burying the jewel in a crusader's tomb.

Why hide the pieces and risk someone finding them and putting them back together someday (which is exactly what happens in this film)? Why not just destroy the thing altogether and be done with it?

It's not like it was indestructible. At one point Nick smashes the Dagger on the ground and cracks the red jewel. Another hit and it would probably have broken for good.

• In the third act, Ahmanet enters the Crusader Knight's tomb, where she finds the Dagger's red jewel. She places it atop the Dagger, restoring its power.

The mummified remains of the Crusader Knights then crawl from their tombs and appear loyal to her, ready do her bidding. Does that seem right?

Earlier in the film we saw her controlling the two zombified policemen, so I guess she has some sort of power over the undead. But the Crusader Knights did everything in their power to stop her before they died. It just seems odd to me that they'd fall in with her after death.

• I don't really understand the rules of the Dagger, and I'm not sure the writers do either. If Ahmanet stabs Nick with it, Set will be reincarnated into his body. Then I guess the two of them will rule the world together or something? 

But then Nick goes and ruins the plan by stabbing himself with the Dagger and becoming possessed by Set. Nick gains all Set's powers over life and death, but for some reason still retains his own mind. Wha...?

So... I guess Set is in Nick's body vying for control, but he's constantly fighting him? Is that it? Did I get it right?

• Possibly the worst part of The Mummy comes at the end, when you realize you didn't just sit through a movie, but a two hour advertisement for future installments in this universe. 

The movie doesn't end, so much as it just stops, as the now possessed Nick skulks out of frame. Dr. Jekyll wistfully watches him go as he says to Jenny, "Who knows what amazing adventures Nick may have in the future? And we may have need of him someday, as it takes a monster to kill a monster." Hard as it is to believe, that's the actual dialogue in the film.

The Mummy is Universal's latest ill-advised attempt at starting up their own cinematic universe starring their Classic Monsters. Unfortunately they've forgotten their horror roots, turning the film into a superhero origin story. It all adds up to a bland, forgettable film that's as lifeless as the titular character. Stick with any of the many previous versions instead. I give it a C-.

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The Future Is Now!

July 6, 2017, 10:01 am
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Way back in 2007, my nephew Aaron had a homework assignment to draw himself as a high school senior in the far off year of 2017.

Knowing I'm a graphic designer and illustrator, he decided to cheat by asking me to help with his assignment. And of course by "help," he meant "do it for me." 

So I agreed and drew "Future Aaron" for him, depicting what I thought he'd look like in the year 2017. I never did find out what grade I, er, I mean HE got on the assignment. Hopefully at least a B+!

Anyway, now that 2017 is actually here and he's graduated from high school, let's dredge up the drawing and see how I did!

Looking at my various "predictions," it's obvious I was going more for comedy here rather than accuracy. Especially with things like "Animated Hair Dye." I don't even know what the hell that means.

Same with the "TV Monitor Built Into Clothes." I knew that wouldn't come to pass by 2017, if ever. 

Amazingly, some of my snarkier predictions actually did come true after all. Well, sort of.

Take the "T-Shirt Displaying Animated Advertisements." We don't have anything quite like my illustration, but in 2014 a company called Digital Dudz came out with a line of t-shirts that utilized a smart phone to display moving images.

Simply download an animation onto your phone, then slip it in a special pocket on the inside of the shirt (behind a strategically placed hole) and watch the hilarity ensue.

So believe it or not, I sort of got this one right!

I was joking about the "Transparent Shoes" as well, but sure enough, a couple years ago Converse came out with clear Chuck Taylor All Stars! Amazing!

As you might expect, these shoes are made of some kind of clear vinyl instead of canvas, like normal Chuck Taylors. The number one complaint about them is the material "doesn't breathe well." Imagine that.

I did pretty well on most of the technology predictions. My "Goggles Displaying TV, Movies, Incoming Cell Phone Calls, Etc" is basically Google Glass, which came out in 2012 (and promptly disappeared shortly after!).

The "Personal Computer (Voice Activated— No Keypad Needed" is pretty much the same as the smart phone that everyone and their dog carries around today. Of course the first iPhone came out the same year I drew this, so it wasn't much of a stretch to predict it. 

Thor knows why I thought we would stick the thing to the back or our hands instead of actually carrying them or putting them in our pockets.

The "Cell Phone Earpiece" is puzzling, as that's pretty much a Bluetooth, which came out around 2000, well before I drew this in 2007. Congratulations to me, for predicting a seven year old technology! Maybe I'd never heard of Bluetooth at the time. I honestly don't remember. 

Note that I thought a "Cell Phone Receiver" would be necessary to go along with the earpiece and pick up your voice— something an actual Bluetooth doesn't require. Ah well. Can't predict everything right!

And the "Strange Fashions His Parents Don't Understand"— that's a safe prediction in ANY year! And we don't have "Government I.D. Barcode" tattoos... yet. Give 'em time!

Overall about half the predictions in my stupid drawing came true. That doesn't sound too bad, until you realize it's a "F" on the school grading chart. No wonder I hated school!
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Doctor Who Season 10, Episode 12: The Doctor Falls

July 6, 2017, 10:04 am
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Welcome to the season finale of Doctor Who!

This week's episode doesn't just wrap up Season 10— it's the end of an era, as the entire cast says goodbye to the show. The Doctor Falls marks actor Peter Capaldi's final regular series appearance as the Doctor. It's also likely the last time Pearl Mackie will ever play Bill. Matt Lucas' Nardole character also bows out of the show this week. We even say goodbye to Michelle Gomez as Missy! 

Most importantly, this is Steven Moffat's final regular episode as the series' showrunner.

I've been pretty hard on Moffat the past few years, and for good reason. After all, he's the genius who greenlit horrible episodes like the horrible Kill The Moon (for my money, the all-time worstDoctor Who episode ever) and even worse In The Forest Of The Night. I honestly felt bad for Peter Capaldi. He's a brilliant actor— one of the best who's ever played the Doctor— but unfortunately he was saddled with some of the worst scripts in the history of the show.

Then somehow Moffat made a complete 180º turn and gave us Season 10, which was a MASSIVE improvement over the previous two (with the possible exception of the mediocre Monks storyline). Why couldn't Moffat pump out good work like this all the time? Maybe taking all of 2016 off helped recharge his batteries, who knows?

It's been a tradition for modern Doctor Who two part episodes to start with an amazing setup, only to falter with a subpar conclusion. Actually I can't single out Doctor Who here, as most sci-fi series are guilty of doing this. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Happily, The Doctor Falls doesn't, er, fall into this pattern. It's a worthy followup to the excellent and shocking World Enough And Time. Imagine, a conclusion that's as good as its setup! What a concept!

The idea of the Doctor being tired of constantly changing into someone else is an interesting one, and something I don't think they've ever explored before (other than the Tenth Doctor's brief, plaintive cry of "I don't want to go"). The Twelfth Doctor started out as a cold, distant and grouchy alien, who gradually softened over the course of three seasons as he struggled to discover just who he was. And then just when he figures it all out, his body starts to change. Of course he doesn't want to regenerate now! Who would Unfortunately, due to real world events, his change is inevitable.

I've always been a sucker for stories in which the villain teams up with the hero, so I was happy to see the semi-rehabilitated Missy finally decide to do the right thing in this episode and stand with the Doctor. I'm not sure her change of heart felt truly earned though, as it seemed a bit sudden. I really wish they'd have given us two or three episodes of Missy traveling with the Doctor & Co. as a companion. We needed to actually see her being good for a change, which would have made her eventual betrayal all the more meaningful. In fact I wish they'd have torpedoed the Monks storyline, and given us three episodes in which Missy saved the day.

Although I enjoyed Missy this season, there's something about her reformation that bothers me a bit. The episode doesn't quite come out and say it, but it's subtly implied that Missy's change of heart came about because she's now a woman. Because women are more emotional, dontcha know. This emotional awakening makes her realize she has feelings for the Doctor, and is a big factor in her decision to side with him.

I'm not just imagining this, as the Master even comments on it briefly. Yikes! You know, there are a lot of fans out there chanting that it's time we had a female Doctor. If this is the kind of heavy-handed and cliched writing we're in for, then I hope the show NEVER turns the Doctor into a woman!

I hated to see Nardole go, but as I said last week, the writers obviously had no idea what to do with him once the Vault storyline was over. So his departure's probably for the best. The character deserves better than to be stuck in the background like an extra.

So what was up with all the Susan Foreman references and Easter eggs at the beginning of the season? She hadn't been mentioned for years, and then suddenly you couldn't swing a sonic without hitting a Susan reference. 

I assumed Moffat had something up his sleeve, and was reminding the audience that she existed because she was the inhabitant of the Vault for some reason, or Bill would somehow turn out to be a regenerated Susan.

Fortunately neither of those lame plotlines came to pass. But the question remains— why did the show try so hard to remind us of Susan?

MASSIVE SEASON-ENDING SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

The Plot:
We pick up more or less where we left off last week, on a massive, four hundred mile long Mondasian colony ship that's desperately trying to back away from a black hole. Because of the time dilation effect, time moves normally at the back of the ship, but slows to a crawl at the front. After hundreds of years on the ship, the Mondasians began modifying themselves into Cybermen, in an effort to survive the harsh environment near the engines. Thanks to the Master's shenanigans, Bill was captured and converted into the very first Cyberman.

OK, all up to date. Missy and the Master are holding the Doctor captive on a hospital roof at the bottom of the ship, while Cyber Bill looks on. The Masters gloat as they look out over the city, which is now a massive assembly line that's converting the populace into more Cybermen.

Suddenly the Cybermen detect the Masters' presence and begin heading for the hospital to convert them. When they wonder how this could have happened, the Doctor admits that while the Masters weren't looking, he changed the Cybermen's parameters of humanity. They now see Time Lords as "human," and consider them ripe for conversion as well.

As the Cybermen attack, Missy knocks out the Master and frees the Doctor, seemingly joining his side. The Doctor's still not convinced she's sincere though. Just then the Doctor's hit by a Cyberman's blast, which knocks him to his knees.

Nardole, who escaped the Masters earlier, arrives in a stolen shuttlecraft. The Master wakes up, and he and Missy board the shuttle, ordering Nardole to take off. Just then Cyber Bill grabs the shuttle and keeps it from leaving. She carries the Doctor on board, and they all escape with seconds to spare.

The shuttle somehow blasts through floor after floor of the ship before finally crashing on Level 507, which contains a solar farm. A group of farmers have banded together there to protect themselves and their children from the encroaching Cybermen, who're systematically working their way up the ship. The farmers are amazed to see Cyber Bill stagger from the shuttle wreckage, carrying the badly injured Doctor in her arms.

Two weeks later, the Doctor's recovered. Unfortunately he's starting to show signs of regeneration, but is able to repress it. Nardole suddenly stops being an idiot and becomes a general, organizing the farmers into a Cyberman Defense Force.

We then see a perfectly normal looking human Bill sleeping in a barn (?). A little girl named Alit enters, and for some reason, nervously gives Bill a mirror and backs away. Bill looks in the mirror and sees a Mondasian Cyberman staring back, which puzzles her. Alit runs off and the Doctor enters the barn. He explains to Bill that she's been changed into a Cyberman, but through sheer strength of will she still thinks of herself as human.

Cyber Bill sheds a tear when she realizes she's being kept in the barn because the others are afraid of her. She then becomes angry with her situation, inadvertently firing a blast of energy from her headset. The Doctor warns her she can no longer afford to become angry.

Cyber Bill reminds the Doctor that he promised to restore her, and says if he can't, then she doesn't want to live. When the Doctor sees her crying, he says, "Where there's tears, there's hope."

Meanwhile, Missy discovers a camouflaged lift in a nearby forest. It opens up and a modern Cyberman exits. Cyber Bill quickly destroys it, and asks why it looks different from her. The Doctor says time is moving much faster at the bottom of the ship than on their level, and the Cybermen are quickly evolving.

Missy suggests takng the lift to the bridge, which is where the Doctor left his TARDIS, so they can finally escape the ship. The Doctor says they can't, as time is barely moving at the top of the ship, which will give the Cybermen below plenty of time to plan an attack. This doesn't make the least bit of sense, but let's just move on.

Nardole realizes that even though Level 507 looks like a vast, pastoral world, it's still part of a spaceship. He figures out a way to remotely detonate pipes and electrical conduits under the floor to use against the Cybermen. The Doctor finds a hatch to another farm a few levels above, and tells the farmers to prepare to evacuate.

The Master tells Missy that his malfunctioning TARDIS is at the bottom of the ship, and they decide to head there and try to repair it. The Doctor makes an impassioned, Oscar-worthy speech to the both of them, asking them to stand and fight the Cybermen with him. He says it's the "kind" thing to do. The Master refuses of course and leaves. Missy stays behind a bit longer and says she knows the Doctor's right, but she can't stay.

The Cybermen arrive on Level 507 and begin attacking. Nardole and the farmers fight back, forcing them to retreat and regroup. The Doctor elects Nardole to take the farmers and their children to safety on the upper level, and to stay there and look after them. Nardole's reluctant to go, but agrees. Cyber Bill decides to stay and fight alongside the Doctor.

The Master and Missy arrive at the hidden lift. Before they get in, Missy embraces the Master. She sneakily stabs him in the side, which she knows will force him to regenerate into her. When he asks why she did it, she says it's because she knows the Doctor's right, and she's going back to stand with him.

Missy leaves, stupidly turning her back on the Master. Sure enough, he zaps her with his laser screwdriver, fatally injuring her and somehow repressing the regeneration process. This means the Master just effectively killed himself. The Master laughs as the lift takes him down to his TARDIS, while Missy dies alone in the forest.

Back at the farm, the Doctor and Cyber Bill battle wave after wave of attacking Cybermen. The Doctor's takes several cyberblasts, further weakening him. As he falls, he uses Nardole's remote and ignites all the pipes under the floor, causing a massive explosion. The Cybermen are all wiped out, except for Cyber Bill, who's inexplicably OK. She stands over the severely injured Doctor.

Suddenly Bill's back in human form, as her Cyber-suit crumples to the ground. She looks and sees Deus Ex Machina, er, I mean Heather The Sentient Puddle from The Pilot forming before her eyes. Heather says she located Bill through the tears they shared and followed her here. She's turned Bill into a puddle like her, but says she can easily rearrange her molecules and make her human anytime she wants. Apparently Heather is now God.

Heather removes the TARDIS from the bridge, and she and Bill place the dying Doctor inside it. Heather invites Bill to come with her, so they can explore the galaxy together as sentient puddles (!). Bill accepts her offer, after saying goodbye to the Doctor and crying a sentient puddle tear on his forehead.

Sometime later the Doctor wakes up, disoriented. He starts to regenerate, but once again represses the process, saying he's tired of changing and living his life as someone else. The TARDIS lands, and the Doctor starts to regenerate again. He runs out of the TARDIS, into the snowy landscape we saw at the beginning of World Enough And Time.

The Doctor manages to stop his regeneration again. Just then he hears a voice, as a figure appears out of the snow. It's the First Doctor, prattling on about not wanting to regenerate...

Thoughts:
• The previous episode, World Enough And Time, began with a shot of the Doctor exiting the TARDIS as he started to regenerate. Everything in the episode after that was a flashback.

I predicted that this regeneration scene would reappear at the end of The Doctor Falls, as a cliffhanger that would be resolved in the 2017 Christmas Special.

And that's exactly what happened! Well, sort of. Sure enough, at the very end of The Doctor Falls we see the regeneration scene again. The scene continues though, as the Doctor represses his regeneration and encounters the First Doctor.

• I was looking forward to the Master/Missy team up in this episode, but... they never really did all that much once they met. They captured the Doctor, tied him to a wheelchair and taunted him, and... welp, that was about it. The second the Masters found out they were in danger from the Cybermen, they turned tail and fled, and that was the end of their evil shenanigans.

Even worse, we've seen the whole "Master Pushing The Doctor Around In A Wheelchair" schtick back in The Sound Of Drums.

• At one point Missy says, "Exciting, isn't it? Watching the Cybermen getting started." The Doctor says, "They always get started. They happen everywhere there's people. Mondas, Telos, Earth, Planet 14, Marinus. Like sewage and smartphones and Donald Trump some things are just inevitable."

The places he lists are all planets where the Cybermen popped up over the years. And for Thor's sake, we get yet another Donald Trump reference this week. I hate that orange buffoon as much or more than the next person, but even I'm tired of hearing his name on this show. I watch Doctor Who to escape reality, not to be reminded of the petulant man-child sitting in the White House who's doing his best to destroy the country.

• I really liked the scene in which the Masters separately tell Nardole, "The Doctor's dead. He told me he always hated you."

• This is some hardcore nitpicking, but whatever.

The bulk of the episode takes place on a "solar farm" inside Level 507 of the Mondasian colony ship. But... just what is this solar farm collecting? 

There's no actual sun on any of the ship's 1,065 levels, right? Each level's most likely lit for half the "day" by a series of lights on the ceiling. So the solar panels must collect energy from the lights, and then uses it to power them. It's a closed loop system!

• Apparently the levels on the colony ship are made of pretty flimsy stuff. Nardole flies a shuttlecraft through 558 floors (from Level 1065 to Level 507) before it's finally totaled. 

Later on we see Operation Exodus begin, as the evolved Cybermen blast off and seemingly punch through level after level with their heads!

• So occasionally the Cybermen wander up from the bottom of the ship and attack the solar farm on Level 507. When they do, the farmers either kill them outright, or capture them and hang 'em up like scarecrows.

I'm honestly struggling to understand the scarecrow thing. Why the hell would they chain them to crosses and truss them up like that?? To send a message to any other Cybermen out there who get any ideas about attacking?

• It was a nice touch to have Cyber Bill still believe she was human throughout the episode, and very creepy whenever she was reminded she wasn't.

Obviously the producers did this so Pearl Mackie could still be in the episode, but it was still an interesting idea.

• Whenever Cyber Bill takes a step, there's a loud, metallic "CLONK" on the soundtrack. Later on the modern, updated Cybermen appear and clonk around as well.

OK, I get why the upgraded Cybermen sound this way, as they're completely covered in clunky Iron Man-type armor. But why does Cyber Bill make the same sound when she walks? She's wearing what looks like a baggy silver suit and rubber boots. She doesn't have any armor at all.

• Math is hard! In World Enough And Time, Bill was stuck at the bottom of the ship for an extended period. I noted that according to a chronometer on the wall, she was there for at least 398 days, which is a little more than year. Mr. Razor notes that she recovered in the hospital ward for several months before she woke up, so we could be generous and say she was down there for close to two years.

But then in this episode Bill says she was stuck at the bottom of the ship for a whopping TEN years! Either Moffat's math was waaaaaaaay off in World Enough And Time, or Bill spent a hell of a long time there that we didn't get to see.

• In World Enough And Time I said I understand the Master's plan. Why was he on the colony ship in the first place? There's no way he could have known that the Doctor would appear, so he wasn't there as part of a revenge plot. Was he trapped there? Or did he decide what the hell, I'll just spend ten years or so on this ship gaining Bill's trust so I can ultimately betray her?

We actually get an explanation as to why he was there, although it goes by so fast I didn't even catch it the first time I saw the episode. At one point the Doctor and the Master have the following conversation regarding his plan:

The Doctor:"The last time I saw you, you were on your way to Gallifrey."
The Master: "Well, I didn't stay. Why would I stay?"
The Doctor:"So they cured your little condition and kicked you out."
The Master: "It was a mutual kicking me out."
The Doctor: "Somehow you ended up in this dump. You never could drive."
The Master: "You wouldn't understand."
The Doctor: "Well, let's see how I do. Your TARDIS got stuck, you killed a lot of people, took over the city, lived like a king until they rebelled against your cruelty, and ever since then you've been hiding out, probably in disguise, because everybody knows your stupid round face."

Whew! Sounds like the Master was stuck on the ship a LOT longer than the ten years we saw! He may have been there a hundred years or more!

• Last week I wondered why Missy couldn't remember the decades she spent on the colony ship as the Master, and hoped that this week's episode would explain this anomaly.

Welp, we actually get an explanation this week, sort of. Missy states that being in such close proximity to her former self has caused both their timelines to move out of sync, disrupting her memory.

As I mentioned last week, this has happened on the show several times before to the Doctor. But usually when the Doctor meets one of his previous selves, it's the YOUNGER one whose memory is affected. Missy's older than the Master, so HE should be the one who loses his memory! Looks like Steven Moffat lost his memory too when he wrote this scene.

• Immediately after Missy explains that being so close to the Master has scrambled both their memories, the two of them have the following conversation:

The Master: "I blew the dematerialization circuit."
Missy: "Which reminds me, funny thing happened to me once!"
The Master:"What?"
Missy:"A very long time ago, a very scary lady threw me against a wall and made me promise to always, always carry a spare dematerialization circuit. I don't remember much about her now, but she must have made quite an impression."

The implication here of course is that Missy is the scary lady who once (meaning right now) threw the Master against the wall, which stuck in his mind.

But a minute or so earlier she said she doesn't remember ever being on the colony ship! So which is it, Moffat? Does Missy remember anything about the ship or not? 

• This episode features a HUGE plot hole regarding the time dilation effect on the colony ship.

Missy suggests heading for the Doctor's TARDIS on the ship's bridge. The Doctor balks at this notion, saying, "We can't go back to the bridge. We can only go four or five floors up at the most. The further we move up the ship, the slower time moves for us and the faster it moves for the Cybermen. By the time we get to the bridge, they'll have had thousands of years to work out how to stop us. There is no safe way to get back to the TARDIS it's a mathematical impossibility."

OK, he's right about the fact that time moves slower on the bridge, and normally (not faster) on the lower levels. The closer the Doctor & Co. get to the bridge, the more time will slow for them.

But if the Cybermen pursue them, THEY'LL slow down as well! It's not like the Cybermen are immune to the effects of the black hole!

Either Moffat doesn't understand his own premise here, or he realized he wrote himself into a corner and violated his own rules to resolve the story, hoping we wouldn't notice.

• This episode really hammers home how silly it is that the Doctor has no way to remotely control the TARDIS. The thing can fly anywhere in time and space, but god forbid the Doctor can call it to him.

Look, I get it. If the Doctor could make the TARDIS materialize around him whenever he got into trouble, then every episode would be ten minutes long. Maybe less!

So I understand why the writers don't want him to have that ability. But they really need to come up with a good in-show explanation as to why a remote control isn't possible. 

• Shortly after the Doctor & Co. arrive on Level 507, an army of evolved, advanced Cybermen attack. I was sorry to see these modern Cybermen appear, as the original versions are so much creepier. 

And what are the odds that the modern Cybermen on this isolated ship would look EXACTLY like the ones we've seen elsewhere on the series?

• After Missy mortally wounds the Master, he shoots her in the back with his laser screwdriver. Oddly enough, his blaster effect looked practically IDENTICAL to the Dalek's lasers. Coincidence?

• Since the Master fatally injured Missy, that means he basically just killed himself!

Despite how it looks, I'm sure we'll see one or both of them again at some point.

• Despite the fact that Nardole's been around since the 2015 Christmas Special, we still know little or nothing about him. Including where what species he is. When Hazran asks him where he's from, he says, "I don't know. I was sort of found."

Somehow I get the feeling that the writers aren't trying to be mysterious here, they just honestly have no idea who or what Nardole is.

• After an entire season of seeming like he's "on the spectrum," Nardole suddenly becomes a badass in this episode. He starts acting like a general, ordering the farmers around and organizing a defense against the Cybermen. His computer hacking skills get an upgrade this week as well, as he figures out a way to remotely detonate pipes and such under the ship's floor.

Then in the third act, Nardole tells the Doctor, "This is me we're talking about. Me. You know what I was like. If there's more than three people in a room, I start a black market. Send me with them, I'll be selling their own spaceship back to them once a week."

Nardole's a black marketeer? Nardole? Why are we just now hearing about his sketchy past five minutes before he exits the series for good (probably)?

• I wonder what happened to the colony ship after the Doctor and Bill left? Did it ever successfully back away from the black hole? Or is it doomed to hang in front of it forever? Apparently it's none of our concern, or Moffat forgot about it, because it's never addressed.

• I was NOT a fan of the Heather The Magic Puddle plot resolution, as I never quite understood what the hell she was supposed to be in The Pilot. A sentient puddle of alien spaceship engine oil, that absorbed a college student and took on her identity or something?

Yes, Heather's existence was set up in the first episode, but her appearance here still felt a bit too convenient, as did her magical handwaving that undid Bill's Cyber-conversion and removed the TARDIS from the ship's time distortion. Talk about a deus ex machina!

On the other hand, I can't think of any other way they could have realistically restored Bill, so... magic puddle it is then, I guess!

• Bill says goodbye to the Doctor while he's lying unconscious on the floor of the TARDIS. That means he'll never know what happened to her. As far as he knows, she's still clonking around as a Cyberman somewhere.

• As of this episode, both of the Twelfth Doctor's main companions were seemingly killed, but were actually transformed into cosmic beings who flew off to explore the galaxy.

• The Doctor Falls featured quite a few dialogue callbacks to previous episodes, both in the Classic and Modern Series.

When Missy hugs the Master after stabbing him, she says, "I loved being you." This is the same thing the Tenth Doctor told the Fifth when they met in the mini-episode Time Crash.

During the final battle, the Doctor rages at the Cybermen, saying, "Telos! Sealed you into your ice tombs! Voga! Canary Wharf! Planet 14! Every single time, you lose. Even on the Moon!" These are all references to past episodes in which the Doctor defeated the Cybermen.

Bill says goodbye to the Doctor, saying, "Where there's a tear, there's hope." This is similar to the Third Doctor's final words in Planet Of The Spiders, in which he said, "No, don't cry. While there's life, there's hope."

When the Doctor wakes up inside the TARDIS, he shouts, "Sontarans! Perverting the course of human history! I don't want to go! When the Doctor... when the Doctor was me! When the Doctor was me. It's starting, I'm regenerating." The Sontaran line was the first thing the Fourth Doctor ever said in Robot. The Twelfth Doctor also said this in Listen. The Tenth Doctor famously said, "I don't want to go" right before regenerating in The End Of Time, and the Eleventh Doctor said, "When the Doctor was me in The Time Of The Doctor.

At the end of the episode the First Doctor says, "I'm not a doctor. I'm the Doctor. The original, you might say." This is a blending of two lines from previous episodes. In Robot, the Fourth Doctor tells Harry Sullivan that "he may be A doctor, but I'm The Doctor." The definite article, you might say." In The Five Doctors, the First Doctor meets Tegan and says, "I am the Doctor. The original, you might say."

* So the First Doctor regenerated after a battle with the Cybermen drained his strength. It looks like the same thing's going to happen to the Twelfth Doctor.

The First Doctor's played here by David Bradley, who's no stranger to Doctor Who. Bradley was in Dinosaurs On A Spaceship, where he played the evil Solomon. Then in the BBC TV movie An Adventure In Space And Time (which was all about the creation of Doctor Who), Bradley played actor William Hartnell, who played the First Doctor on the show!

You might also recognize Bradley as Mr. Filch in the Harry Potter films.

• This Week's Best Lines:
The Master: (to the Doctor) "How many times have you died?"
Missy:"How many different ways?"
The Master: "Have you burned?"
Missy: "I know you've fallen."
The Master: "Have you ever drowned?"
Missy:"Have you felt the blade?"
The Master: "I suppose what we're really asking, my dear, is, well..."
Missy:"Any requests?"
(Missy's "I know you've fallen" line is a reference to the Fourth Doctor, who regenerated after falling from a tall tower while battling the Master)

Missy: (to the Doctor) "Well, we thought we might chuck you off the roof, but I wasn't sure how many regenerations you had left."
The Master: "Yeah, we could have been up and down the stairs all night!"

The Doctor:"Begging for your life already? That's a new record."
The Master:"I'm not begging you. I'd rather die than beg you!"
The Doctor:"Lucky day, then."

Missy: (to the Doctor, after knocking out the Master) "I was secretly on your side all along, you silly sausage."
The Doctor:"Is that true?"
Missy: "Don't spoil the moment."
The Doctor:"Seriously, I need to know. Is that true?"
Missy:"It's hard to say, I'm in two minds. Fortunately, the other one's unconscious."

The Master: (pretending to talk to the Doctor as he boards Nardole's shuttlecraft) "What was that, Doctor? You'll only slow us down? Yeah, I think you're right. (to Nardole) The Doctor's dead. He told me he always hated you. Let's go."
Nardole:"No."
Missy: (to Nardole as she boards the shuttle) "The Doctor's dead. He told me he always hated you."
Nardole:"Yeah, I heard you the first time!"

Cyber Bill:"What was that? In the mirror?"
The Doctor:"Er, a Cyberman."
Cyber Bill: "What's a Cyberman?"
The Doctor: "A technologically augmented human being, designed to survive in a hostile environment. Perfectly sound idea unfortunately all they want to do is to turn everyone else into Cybermen too. They go viral."
Cyber Bill: "Why?" 
The Doctor: "They consider themselves to be an improvement, an upgrade."
Cyber Bill: "No. Why do I see a Cyberman in the mirror?"
The Doctor: "What do you remember?"
Cyber Bill: "There's quite a lot! You know? I was down there for ten years.
The Doctor: "And then, one day they took you to the conversion theatre. Do you remember that?"
Cyber Bill: "No. Bits of it. You turned up.
The Doctor: "Do you remember what they did to you?"
Cyber Bill: "Nothing. Look at me. I'm fine. I'm fine!"
The Doctor: "You are so strong. You're amazing. Your mind has rebelled against the programming. It's built a wall around itself a castle made of you and you're standing on the battlements, saying, "No! No, not me."
Cyber Bill: "What are you talking about?"
The Doctor: "All that time, living under the Monks you learned to hang on to yourself."
Cyber Bill: "But I'm I'm fine, look at me!"
The Doctor: "Bill, what you see is not you. Your mind is acting like a perception filter. You still see yourself as you used to be."
Cyber Bill: "Used to be?"
The Doctor: "It won't last forever."
Cyber Bill: "What do you mean, used to be?"
The Doctor: "Bill, I'm sorry, but you can't be angry any more. A temper is a luxury you can no longer..."
Cyber Bill: "Why can't I? Why can't I be angry?"
The Doctor: "Bill please!"
Cyber Bill: "You left me alone for ten years, don't tell me I can't be angry! (she blasts the barn with her headpiece)
The Doctor: "Because of that. That's why."

Nardole: "Right, everyone, back to work. Nothing to see here, somebody broke the barn, no biggie."

The Master: (to Cyber Bill) "Oh, hello, my dear. My God, you were so boring for all those years but it was worth every day of it for this!"
The Doctor: "Bill, don't let him upset you."
The Master: "Though, didn't you used to be a woman? I'm going to be a woman, fairly soon. Any tips? Or, maybe I dunno, old bras?"

The Doctor: (explaining how the Cybermen work to Cyber Bill) "They target the children because conversion is easier with a younger donor. The brains are fresher, and because the bodies are smaller, there's less to..."
Cyber Bill: "Less to what?"
The Master:"Less to throw away."

Cyber Bill: "No, I want you to know, as my friend I don't want to live if I can't be me any more. Do you understand?"
The Doctor: "Yeah."
Cyber Bill: "And that's not possible, is it?"
The Doctor: "Well, I'll tell you what else isn't possible. A Cyberman crying. Where there's tears, there's hope."

The Doctor: (to the Masters) "And we just gave our position away. Well done, the genius twins!"

Missy:"We could evacuate the Waltons back there, if you're feeling ridiculous."
(I think it's funny that at some point in the Master's past, he apparently watched The Waltons!)
The Master: "You know you basically have me to thank for this."
Missy: "You're welcome."
The Master: "By the way, is it wrong that I..."
Missy: "Yes! Very."
(Yep, kids, that really just happened. The Master just became aroused by a female version of himself)

The Doctor: (to the Masters) "No. No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out. You and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. I'm not doing this because I want to beat someone, or because I hate someone, or because I want to blame someone. It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do, because it's right. Because it's decent. And above all, it's kind. It's just that. Just kind. If I run away today, good people will die. If I stand and fight, some of them might live. Maybe not many, and maybe not for long. Hey, you know, maybe there's no point in any of this at all. But it's the best I can do, so I'm going to do it. And I'll stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too. Some day. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. And where I stand is where I fall. Stand with me. These people are terrified. Maybe we can help a little. Why not, just at the end, just be kind?"
The Master:"See this face? Take a good, long look at it. This is the face that didn't listen to a word you just said."
The Doctor: "Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have, and I know what you're capable of. Stand with me, it's all I've ever wanted."
Missy:"Me too. But no. Sorry. Just no. But thanks for trying."

Missy:"Come here, I said."
The Master: "Seriously? Are we really going to do this?"
Missy: "I loved being you. Every second of it. Oh, the way you burn. Like a sun. Like a whole screaming world on fire. I remember that feeling, and I always will. And I will always miss it."
The Master: (seeing that Missy just stabbed him) "Now that was really very nicely done."
Missy:"Thank you."
The Master: "It's good to know I haven't lost my touch."
Missy: "You deserve my best."

The Master: "How long do I have?"
Missy: "Oh, I was precise. You'll be able to make it back to your TARDIS, maybe even get a cuppa, though it might leak a little."
The Master: "And then regenerate into you."
Missy:"Welcome to the sisterhood."

The Master: "Missy, seriously, why?"
Missy:"Oh, because he's right. Because it's time to stand with him. It's where we've always been going, and it's happening now, today. It's time to stand with the Doctor."
The Master: "No. Never. Missy! I will never stand with the Doctor!"
Missy: "Yes, my dear, you will."

The Doctor: (to the approaching Cybermen) "Telos! Sealed you into your ice tombs! Voga! Canary Wharf! Planet 14! Every single time, you lose! Even on the Moon! Hello. I'm the Doctor."
Cyberman: "Doctors are not required."
The Doctor:"I'm not A doctor. I am The Doctor. The original, you might say."

Stranger: "I will not! No, no, no, the whole thing's ridiculous."
The Doctor:"Hello? Is someone there?"
Stranger: "Who is that?"
The Doctor:"I'm the Doctor."
Stranger, Who Turns Out To Be The First Doctor: "The Doctor. Oh, I don't think so. No, dear me, no. You may be A doctor, but I am THE Doctor. The original, you might say!"
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That's Deep!

July 11, 2017, 6:16 pm
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Something I noticed in the world of cinema this week...

There's a movie called 47 Meters Down that's currently playing in theater. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in a shark cage at the bottom of the ocean, surrounded by hungry man-eating Great Whites. Can their air hold out long enough for rescue to arrive?

Last week I saw a trailer for the upcoming film 12 Feet Down. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in an Olympic sized pool when the fiberglass cover is inadvertently closed over them for the weekend. Can their air— and their strength— hold out long enough for rescue to arrive?

By the way, I honestly thought this was a parody trailer, but I checked and apparently it's a real movie.

Based on this progression, any day now I expect to see a trailer for Twelve Inches Below. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in a backyard kiddie pool.

After their father orders them to mow the lawn, Megan and Brittney decide to blow off their chores and beat the summer heat by splashing around in a plastic wading pool. Their plan works perfectly, until the girls accidentally knock a case of beer off their cooler. Their yard is now a death trap, as the tall grass hides deadly shards of jagged glass.

Afraid to step out of the wading pool, the girls find themselves trapped in twelve inches of tepid water, under the blazing sun. Can they survive until rescue arrives?

Twelve Inches Below premieres this month, in finer cineplexes that aren't showing Spider-Man: Homecoming twenty four times per day.
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It Came From The Cineplex: Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

July 11, 2017, 6:19 pm
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Welp, so far Summer Movie Season 2017 is playing out as expected, just like the previous few years. Studios bet the farm on bland, ill-advised and massively-budgeted tent pole pictures that crash and burn on arrival at the box office (I'm lookin' at you, The Mummy and King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword), while a precious few rise from the rubble to become bona fide hits (like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 and Wonder Woman). Unfortunately I don't see this trend going away anytime soon.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales was written by Jeff Nathanson (with "story by" credit for Terry Rossio) and directed by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg.

Nathanson previously wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control (with Jan de Bont), Rush Hour 2, Catch Me If You Can, The Terminal (with Sacha Gervasi and Andrew Niccol), The Last Shot, Rush Hour 3, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (with David Koepp and George Lucas) and Tower Heist (with Ted Griffen, Bill Collage and Adam Cooper).

Ronning and Sandberg are Norweigian filmmakers who previously directed Max Manus: Man Of War and Kon-Tiki, neither of which I've ever heard of.

If you've seen even one of the previous Pirates movies, then you know exactly what to expect here. There's an attractive young couple who "meet cute" and fall in love by the end, a soggy sea villain who's looking for a magical McGuffin and Jack Sparrow slurs and staggers his way through the film, having little or no effect on the plot.

And that in a nutshell is the problem with Dead Men Tell No Tales. It's not a terrible film, it's just bland and stale. Even worse, it contains absolutely nothing to distinguish it from any of the previous four.

Pirates Of The Caribbean was a surprise hit wayyyyy back in 2003, grossing a whopping $654 million against its $140 million budget. That kind of success made a trilogy inevitable, and the second and third films were even more lucrative, grossing an amazing $1billion dollars (or close to it) each. 

With the trilogy completed, further films were neither needed or wanted, but Disney pumped one out anyway in 2011, which once again went on to gross over a billion dollars worldwide. That made a fifth installment all but inevitable.

It's hard to believe now, but back in 2003 Johnny Depp's performance as Jack Sparrow was a breath of fresh air at the cineplex. The public had never seen anything quite like his eccentric, outrageous antihero, and the character was embraced by audiences worldwide. Incredibly, the role earned Depp an Oscar™ nomination for Best Actor! Unbelievable!

But that was then, in the Before Time. These days Depp's performance as Jack has lapsed into pure self-parody. There's something sad and pathetic about seeing him don the old costume again as he staggers around the set, slurring the same old, worn catchphrases. It's like watching your sad, drunken uncle do his cringeworthy Cap'n Jack impression for two and a half hours.

Oddly enough, Jack Sparrow's been shoved aside in Dead Men Tell No Tales, as the other characters far outshine him. He stumbles his way through the movie with little or no effect on the plot, and nothing even remotely resembling a character arc. Heck, Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa has a far more interesting plotline in the film than Jack does, and comes close to being the bona fide star.

Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley had the good sense to flee the series after their three film contracts were up (although they're pulled back in here for brief cameos). They're replaced by a pair of equally vapid leads, who might as well be clones of the originals.

Javier Bardem stars as Captain Salazar, the latest in the franchise's succession of waterlogged villains. Bardem is the only one who seems to be having a good time here, and his Salazar is easily the most interesting character in the entire film.

The plot seems a bit more streamlined this time, which can only be a good thing, as previous films were bogged down by excessively convoluted scripts. Many are claiming this new film is a "soft reboot," meaning it advertises itself as a sequel while stealthily remaking the first movie. I don't see any evidence of that here. This is most definitely a sequel, as it picks up a dozen dangling plot threads from previous films and continues them.

The film ends on something of a final note, even though we all know that's not true. If the movie reaches the magic billion dollar number, you can be sure a Part 6 will be along soon. There's a post credit scene that sets up an additional film, and shortly after Dead Man's Chest Premiered, Disney officially announced a sixth installment.

So far this series has given us titles such as Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and now Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. I've no doubt we can soon look forward to Pirates Of The Caribbean: Shiver Me Timbers, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Ahoy, Matey, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Blow The Man Down, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Thar She Blows!, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Walk The Plank, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Yo, Ho, Ho and the ultimate title, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

The film's a bona fide flop here in the States, grossing just $167 million against its $230 million (!) budget. Ouch! Once again though, the foreign box office has saved a poorly-received American movie. It's made a whopping $544 million overseas, for a worldwide total of $712 million. That's a respectable amount, but it's about $300 million LESS than the previous outing took in.

There are some reports that the budget was actually closer to $320 million, due to delays caused by Johnny Depp injuring his hand during shooting. Because of marketing and other hidden costs, these days movies need to gross around TWICE their production budget just to break even. If those $320 million reports are accurate, then this film's never going to turn much of a profit. Jack Sparrow may have finally been done in, not by fellow pirates, but by studio economics and a disinterested audience.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
The movie opens as young Henry Turner sneaks out of his house at night, rows into the ocean and jumps overboard (!). Somehow he just happens to land on the deck of the ghostly Flying Dutchman, the ship captained by his father Will Turner (played by Orlando Bloom). After the events of the previous films, Will's cursed to ferry those who died at sea into the afterlife. Henry believes he can lift his father's curse with the help of the legendary Trident Of Poseidon. Will says to forget about him, and sends him back to his boat.

Nine years later, Henry (now played by Brenton Thwaites) is a sailor about the Monarch, a British Royal Navy ship. When the ship starts to sail into the Devil's Triangle, he warns the captain not to enter the dangerous area. He's accused of treason and locked in the brig.

The Monarch enters the Triangle and sure enough, it's immediately attacked by the undead Captain Salazar (played by Javier Bardem) and his ghostly crew of the Silent Mary. Salazar's men kill the entire Monarch crew (it's a Disney movie!) except for Henry. Salazar tells Henry to send a message to Jack Sparrow that he's coming for him.

On St. Martin, a young woman named Carina Smyth is accused of witchcraft for her knowledge of astronomy and horology (the study of time). She manages to escape her cell and sneaks out of the prison.

Elsewhere on the island, the Mayor (played by Bruce Spence) touts the theft-proof safe in the town's new bank. When he opens the safe, he finds Jack Sparrow (played of course by Johnny Depp) sleeping off a bender inside (?). Jack's crew ties a team of horses to the safe in order to steal it, but they inadvertently end up pulling the entire bank building through the streets of St. Martin (??).

The bank trundles through the streets in a massively expensive setpiece, as Jack hangs onto the safe for dear life. Unfortunately all the money in the safe falls out the open door as it bumps and jostles along the streets. By the time the crew makes it back to Jack's ship, there's only a single coin left in the safe. Jack's crew tells him they're fed up with his drunken, incompetent leadership and desert him.

Meanwhile, Henry's scheduled to be executed for treason. Carina sneaks back into the prison and tells him she has a diary containing a map to the Trident Of Poseidon, and for some reason wants him to help her find it.

Jack staggers into a pub to buy a bottle of rum. When he finds out he doesn't have enough money, he trades his magic compass (that points to the owner's fondest desire) for a bottle. For some reason, this immediately frees Captain Salazar and his crew from the Devil's Triangle, allowing them to come after Jack. Yeah, I don't get it either, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all day.

Carina helps Henry escape from prison. Unfortunately she's immediately recaptured and thrown back in jail. Jack's also arrested for bank robbery and tossed in the slammer. Henry visits Jack in prison, disappointed to find out that the legendary sea captain is a hopeless drunk. He tells Jack he plans to find the Trident and use it to break his father's curse.

Jack and Carina are taken to the gallows for execution. For some reason Jack's given the choice between hanging and the guillotine, and picks the latter. At the last second, Jack's crew comes to the rescue, led by Henry, who paid them to come. How he knew where Jack's crew was or even what they looked like is left to our imaginations. The pirates fight the guards and both Jack and Carina are nearly executed several times before they're ultimately freed. Everyone makes their way to Jack's ship, the Dying Gull, a barely-seaworthy tub that miraculously doesn't sink when it's launched.

Out at sea, Captain Barbosa (played by Jeffrey Rush) is enjoying the high life after taking the Queen Anne's Revenge from Captain Blackbeard (which happened in the fourth movie). Barbosa encounters a sea witch, who for some reason now has Jack's compass. She gives it to Barbosa.

Salazar then approaches Barbosa's ship and calls for a meeting. Salazar infodumps his origin story to Barbosa, saying that many years ago he was a captain in the Spanish Navy, determined to wipe out every pirate he saw. They came across a pirate ship with a young Jack Sparrow among the crew. Salazar and his men attacked the ship, killing many of the pirates.

As Jack's captain lay dying, he gave him the magic compass. Jack then assumed command of the ship, and tricked Salazar into following him. At the last second Jack's ship veered off, and Salazar's sailed helplessly into the Devil's Triangle, which I have to admit was a pretty cool scene. The ship was destroyed and all aboard were lost, doomed to live as ghosts in the Triangle. Jack then became captain of his own ship.

Salazar now wants to find the Trident Of Poseidon (that makes THREE people looking for it now) and use to to kill Jack Sparrow. Barbosa agrees to help him.

A British Navy ship spots the Dying Gull and heads toward it. Suddenly Salazar's ship appears and destroys the Brits. Salazar and his men then board Jack's ship and attack. Jack, Henry and Carina escape in a rowboat and head for a nearby island (our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!). Salazar sends a group of zombie sharks after them, but the three manage to escape and make it to shore. Because of their curse, Salazar and his crew can't step onto dry land, so Jack and the others are safe as long as they stay on the island.

Barbosa arrives on the island and demands something from Jack— the Black Pearl. In one of the previous films, the ship was magically miniaturized and placed inside a bottle, which Jack wears around his neck. Jack agrees, breaking the bottle and setting the tiny ship in the water, where it instantly grows to full size. Barbosa then takes command of the ship, and ties Jack to the mast. For some reason, he allows Henry and Carina to come along for the ride, unrestrained.

Carina uses the stars and the map in her diary to navigate their way to the Trident. Barbosa sees a design on the cover of her diary, and recognizes it as his own. He then realizes that Carina is his daughter. He left her (and the diary) at an orphanage years ago, to give her a chance at a better life. In a rare lucid moment, Jack figures this out as well, and Barbosa threatens to cut out his tongue if he tells Carina about her parentage.

Eventually the ship reaches a remote island where the Trident's located, and Jack, Barbosa, Henry and Carina go ashore to search for the Trident. Carina sees a field of jewels corresponding to the design on her diary, but can't locate the Trident. She sees a large jewel jutting out of a rock, and realizes a piece of it's missing. She pulls the small jewel from the cover of her diary and places it in the larger one. It fits perfectly, and the large jewel lights up, causing the sea to magically split in two (Moses-like), revealing the Trident at the bottom.

Jack, Henry, Barbosa and Carina run down the Trident, just as Salazar and his men appear on one side of the ocean. Salazar grabs the Trident and tries to stab Jack with it. Henry somehow realizes that destroying the Trident will break EVERY curse of the sea worldwide. He breaks it in half, and the undead Salazar and his men are instantly brought back to life (um... shouldn't they turn into moldy corpses?).

With the Trident destroyed, the sea trench starts to collapse. Far above, the Black Pearl sails as close to the edge of the trench as possible, dropping its anchor so Jack, Henry, Barbosa and Carina can climb back up. They start climbing the chain, but Salazar sees them, and he and his men follow.

As they climb, Carina notices Barbosa has a tattoo on his arm that matches the design on her diary. She realizes the truth about her parentage, and asks what she is to him. He answers "Treasure," and lets go of the chain. He falls onto Salazar and his men, knocking them off the chain. The ocean trench closes, engulfing them all. Jack, Henry and Carina make it back up to the Black Pearl.

Some time later, Henry and Carina stand on a hill and kiss. She says she's decided to ditch the name "Smyth," and call herself "Barbosa" in honor of her father. They watch as a figure emerges from the ocean, and see it's Henry's father Will, who's now freed from his curse. Elizabeth Swann, or I guess Turner (played by Keira Knightley) shows up for ten seconds and welcomes Will home.

Jack's once again Captain of the Black Pearl. He has his magic compass back and uses it to set sail for the sixth movie.

In the after credits scene, Will and Elizabeth are in bed asleep. Their bedroom door opens, and a shadowy figure with a large claw enters. Will wakes up, sees nothing and goes back to sleep. We pan down to see soggy barnacles on the floor, indicating Davey Jones was there.

Thoughts: 
• For some reason, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is known as Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge in the UK. Strange. Maybe there's already a film with a similar title there?

• Javier Bardem plays Captain Salazar in the film. He's keeping things in the family, as his wife Penelope Cruz starred as Angelica in the previous movie, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

• Brenton Thwaites plays Henry Turner, son of Orlando Bloom's Will Turner. I'm assuming Thwaites was cast for his slight resemblance to Bloom, and because he delivers a similarly wooden performance.

By the way, in real life Thwaites is only twelve years younger than Bloom, and just four years younger than his "mother" Keira Knightley. Kids grow up so fast these days!

That's still nowhere close to the most ridiculous "Minimum Familial Age Gap" record set by 2004's Alexander. In that film, Angelina Jolie plays the MOTHER of Colin Ferrell, despite the fact that she's only ONE year older than him!

• Because of her scientific knowledge, Carina's accused of being a witch and sentenced to hang. 

Oddly enough there's an actual witch in the film, who helps both Barbosa and the British Navy locate Jack Sparrow. Even more puzzling, the Navy officers seem perfectly willing to work with her, never once suggesting she be locked up or executed.

So which is it, movie? Does this society hate witches or doesn't it?

The movie's supposedly set in 1755. England abolished the practice of executing witches two decades earlier in 1736. Additionally, astronomy was a proven science at the time, as the Greenwich Naval Observatory was founded in 1675. Carina's knowledge of the stars would not have been seen as heretical, supernatural or witchy.

• By the way, for someone who claims to have studied astronomy, Carina doesn't know what she's talking about. She says she was named after "The Brightest Star In The North." Um... Carina isn't a star, it's a constellation— one that's only visible in the Southern Hemisphere. Whoops! 

Secondly, the movie takes place in 1755, meaning Carina was probably born sometime around 1735. The Carina constellation was discovered in 1751. Double whoops!

• When Jack's captured and thrown in the dungeon, he meets his Uncle, er, Jack, who's locked up as well. 

For some reason, former Beatle Paul McCartney has a cameo role as Uncle Jack. I guess it's only natural— after all, Rolling Stones member Keith Richards played Jack Sparrow's father Captain Teague in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

• When Jack's placed in the guillotine, he looks down and sees a couple of severed heads in the basket below him. This is an Easter egg, as the heads were modeled after the film's directors, Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg.

• Nitpick Alert! The Pirates movies have never been big on historical accuracy, a trend that definitely continues here. After Jack's captured, he chooses the guillotine as his form of execution., noting it was invented by the French. Sorry, Jack. There was a similar contraption in use in England in the 1755, but it looked quite different and was called "The Maiden." Dr. Joseph Guillotin invented the, er, guillotine as we know it in 1789, well after the movie takes place.

Additionally, Jack mentions mayonnaise, saying it was invented by the French as well. He's technically right, but it wasn't called "mayonnaise" until 1806.

Inaccuracies like this generally bother me, as they could be avoided with thirty seconds of googling. I'm not terribly upset by the slip-ups here though, as this is a big dumb action movie and not a documentary. Besides, it's got far bigger problems than flubbing the date that mayonnaise was invented.

• Whenever we see the soggy Captain Salazar, his long, stringy hair flows back and forth like it's being affected by unseen underwater currents. It's a nice little detail that I liked quite a bit, and was probably a nightmare for the CGI artists to create.

• Speaking of CGI— one of the highlights of Dead Men Tell No Tales is Jack Sparrow's origin story, as we get to see him back when he was young, sober and in his prime. It's actually one of the better parts of the movie, as we watch him outsmart Captain Salazar, see where he got the name "Sparrow" and find out why he wears his signature hat and beads.

Young Jack is played by Johnny Depp of course, as Disney once again trots out the digital de-aging technology that they love to use so much. Maybe they paid a lot for it, so they're trying to get their money's worth? The tech was used to great effect to de-age Robert Downey Jr. In Captain America: Civil War and Kurt Russell in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2.

Honestly I'd rather see an entire movie this young, in-his-prime Jack Sparrow, instead of the perpetually inebriated sot who wore out his welcome log ago. It'd probably be too expensive to de-age Johnny Depp for an entire movie though.

• In the third act, Henry breaks the Trident Of Neptune, which breaks all curses of the sea all over the world. While that sounds like a good thing, it should have caused quite a few problems for the characters that never actually occur.

When Salazar and his men first sailed into the Devil's Triangle, their ship exploded, instantly killing them all and turning them into soggy ghosts. Most of the ghosts appear to be minus significant body parts. Salazar himself is missing the back of his skull, while others are lacking limbs, chests and even heads (!). Heck, one of his men appears to be nothing more than a floating torso. 

Yet once their curse is lifted, for some reason Salazar and his crew are transformed back into completely whole, living humans. I dunno... they were blown up and dismembered before they were cursed, right? So shouldn't they turn into inanimate piles of rotting meat?

Similarly, once the Trident's snapped in two, Will Turner's curse is lifted and he's able to return to land and join his wife Elizabeth. 

But in Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, Will's heart was cut out (!) and placed inside the Dead Man's Chest for reasons. Seems like the second the curse was lifted, he should have dropped dead like a sack of wet laundry.

Sounds like the screenwriter forgot to watch the previous films before he sat down at the computer.

• At the end of the movie, Barbosa attacks Salazar, sacrificing himself to save his daughter Carina.

Earlier this year in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (SPOILERS!), Yondu attacks Ego, sacrificing himself to save his foster son Peter.

Pirates came out just a month after Guardians, so there's no way it could have deliberately stolen this little story arc. Still, it's an interesting coincidence that two big budget summer films killed off a major character in exactly the same way.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales isn't a terrible film (it's nowhere near as bad as The Mummy), but it's bland, repetitive and offers absolutely nothing we haven't already seen in the previous four outings. Johnny Depp's once-entertaining Jack Sparrow shtick wore out its welcome long ago, as he's now lapsed firmly into self parody. For diehard fans of the franchise only. I give it a C+.

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Wall-Eyed

July 14, 2017, 7:45 am
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In the past few weeks, you may have noticed a sudden and distinct absence of anti-Trump posts here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld. Don't worry, I haven't gone over to the other side. In a flailing effort to preserve what's left of my sanity, lately I've been doing my best to ignore Glorious Leader and not comment on his shenanigans. 

But his latest statements about his pet project, the Mexican Border Wall, were too good to let go.

This week Trumpy announced that his original plan for a 2,000 mile long border wall were being significantly scaled back, saying:
"It’s a 2,000 mile border, but you don’t need 2,000 miles of wall because you have a lot of natural barriers. You have mountains. You have some rivers that are violent and vicious. You have some areas that are so far away that you don’t really have people crossing. So you don’t need that."
Trump stated that the wall will now only need to be around 700 to 900 miles long. Of course even at this reduced length, it would still be a massive undertaking that would cost billions and take years to complete.

And then Glorious Leader went completely off the rails, as he actually claimed that the wall would need to be "transparent" so that American citizens could avoid the large sacks of drugs constantly being thrown over from the Mexican side. Said Trump:
"One of the things with the wall is, you need transparency. You have to be able to see through it. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the large sacks of drugs over, and if you have people on the other side of the wall, you don't see them– they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff? It’s over. As crazy as that sounds, you need transparency through that wall."
Jesus wept. 

So how the hell is he planning on making a goddamned see-through wall? Is it gonna be made of glass? I have a horrible feeling that Trump recently watched Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, and thinks that "transparent aluminum," is a real thing.

And setting aside just how bizarre the idea of a transparent wall is, who the hell's out there casually tossing SIXTY pound bags of drugs over a twelve foot wall? The Hulk? Even if it was possible to throw a bag that heavy that high, why the hell would there be any Americans milling around our side of the wall?

You'll have to excuse me, as I need to go lie down in a dark room. I'm getting another one of my sick headaches.
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